#268 Slow and Measured

it should be. That's such a good point. Um, I think it's called it's called like Archetypes. It's just like, come on, is it just her talking in the bathroom? No, she has a guest, but apparently the first episode was with Serena Williams and she didn't get let Serena get a word in, and I go, wow, I'm just like MiG and Markle. I felt for the first time. I was like, wow, we're similar. You could I used to do. I loved just being like in a closet, like, welcome

to Archetypes. Don't tell Harry or anybody that doing this. I know, I can get murdered for talking, are you. I was thinking the same thing about it. I was like, man, she's because she apparently they're like the most controversial thing she said in the first episode was like, oh no, no. His second episode, Maria Carrey was on and Mike Carry, I guess I don't know why I'm saying that all like Myke Carrey, Mike Carry said turning into you. Um, you know we all carry the way of Marian Carrey.

It's it's all of our burdens culturally. But she apparently said to her, like to Megan, Maria was like, well, you've got a little enter like you got a diva and you and Megan was like, like it was nervous. You know, I'm getting all this from the Daily Mail, who's like, you know, any time the celebrity walks out there like Rebel Wilson flaunting her flawless pins and it's like she just was walking to her car. She wasn't

flaunting anything. So it was like, I read it on the day email because they're obsessed with her, but um, she does have to tread so carefully, especially in light of watching the Diana documentary, Like but she's free from the royal family, Like that's the point, Like she can do anything she wants, even though I cannot imagine what how much money she's making from that podcast, and rightfully so, I mean it's everyone, it's number I think it's number one.

But I mean, what do you think, Oh, well, she lives in California. You know that, right yeape get over so hot to me that Harry left his entire family for her and like said goodbye to all of that for her to protect her because she got suicidal, Like his mom, it's not fun over there. He's not having a good time to leave that though, Like it's like leaving Mormonism, like it might be hell, but it's all

you know, I don't know, I don't know. I know you are, but it's I do find it like so fucking attractive that, um, he did that for her and like just how by her you can tell that he just like loves her so much and you know, risk everything. But I was thinking that, um, this podcast that she's doing, I was like it, like I would be worried even though she's free of the royal family, Like she has

to still tread so carefully because everyone's watching her. Every move, wanting her to funk up um, even me, you know, manifesting it in my daily rituals, just being like, please let Megan Margo missed up. But but she's I I love that. I forget that interview she did with Oprah where she said she was suicidal, which anyone of that nature. Admitting as someone who has those thoughts as well, admitting

that publicly is so brave. And maybe I'm chooting my own horn, but like I was just talking to last night, Whitney and Ben Gleeb. We're at the comedy store and we were talking about admitting things that you think I forget where we're saying something about but if you say it, people won't want to work with you, like if they if you if you say too much, you might become a liability. And that's always been my worry about saying I have suicidal thoughts. Is like, well, we don't want

to give her the tonight show. She's gonna kill herself, and then what what we're we gonna do? It's like, well, it'd be great advertising, it would be great for you. Yeah, if I do it live on air. No, I'm I'm like, but it's not. No, one cares. No one people people, you know, Chris Farley was on a path to death, and people were not intervening, Like as long as you're making people money, they don't They're not looking if you're a liability down the road. They want to make the

dollar right now. So it's like, it's almost sad that no one cared that I was suicidal when I said it on like that. None of my reps were like, hey, do you need a break or like, can you say that more? Because that got you a lot of press. There was a bump and I'm going to do a couple to feel better. Um, but oh, I was thinking about It occurred to me when I was doing Kimmel um, and I was, you know, we're talking about the hardest part of the show for me was like trying to

be present during the interviews. Hear what they were saying, laugh, set them up for good stuff, not try to make it about me. Don't try to chewhorn punch lines. No one is going to go wow, great comeback with like

just be natural. And there was a point that I wanted to make when he was talking about and maybe I have gotten cut because I didn't see the interview, but he was talking about um mel Brooks and Arnold doing voices for his cartoon and how it all happened during COVID, and I just wanted to say, like, picture Arnold under a blanket, like doing voice. It's such an

inside thing of like people who do audio. No, like how like crazy it looks like so that you're under a blanket, like in a closet in a hotel room, being like Dave Matthews Band Radio Channel thirty this week on Labor Dave Weekend, like inside one of his horses, you know, like like like inside of Clydesdale. So I'm gonna do this formal ces. Why did I give him a British check? Why could he? Why do I picture him in a horse? That's weird because he horses. He's

all about horses. Oh yeah, there's like a pony like walking around his house in the face in one of his movies. I love that scene because you can tell it's so fake, like she didn't actually hurt the horse because the horse kind of just there's a minute, it's a beat where it kind of goes like someone off camera goes fall and then it like falls. There was a conversation where Arnold was like, look, I want to hit the horse. It's got to Should I just do it?

You can go to lunch earlier. Um, They're like, we might. I bet. Back in the seventies though, there were like a little bit of lax laws about like stuff like you know what, hit it with your left hand, Arnold. Animals were getting punched it with your laugh Give it, yeah, give it any animals and brave Heart fell don't break its leg because we'll have to kill it. I did that, but Brave Heart they got hit all with spikes. Remember they Oh well, Meldon cared the horses were Jewish. Um.

He made sure to have Jewish horses for heaven. Andrew your I did not see it your your show. I did. I kind of texted you late on Tuesday night to see how it went. I assumed. I mean, I had no doubt it was going to be like epic and I hate that word. But how was it tell us about it? I mean had founding cheesy. So yeah, I got to finally, I didn't know the only other time I've ever done an hour you saw it was when I did my one many an hour and a half. Yeah,

And I like, so I have no question time. I was still worried about the time, especially, you know, because you know there it's more laxed about. But I was like, I'm going to do these longer stories. I'm gonna can put them in there. I don't give a fuck. And um, I don't know the stories. It's just you've done it so many times. But the timing and of doing an hour versus like fifteen to twenty minutes. I don't tell

the stories though, dude, that's different. But but it's like this like feeling of like blah blah blah blah, like getting joke after laugh laugh, but like you could have moments where they're still listening. And I was just proud of myself where like I wasn't crushing at some point at some points and there was some quiet and it was like and I just kind of sat in it and I was very present, and I wondered about that.

You're good. I watched you even in your smaller sets that you do, and I I sometimes resented because I can't do it. But you are able to get them back to a place where they're like calm down again and they're like on the edge of their seats. You do not need to fill the silence. You're not insecure in that way on stage, and I think that I don't know how I'm not. I don't know either, dude,

because it doesn't fit anything else about you. But you really can do this thing where you just kind of like we'll be you'll just take your time, and I know that you know what's next, and sometimes you'll say like you'll make it like casual, but you just can be in those moments you can like take your time. It's really I want to get better at being slower like that. But I remember Louis saying like, you can't

have the highs without the lows. Like if you're going on a roller coaster and the whole thing is just down, you're by the end of it, you're just like, well, we gotta have to You're gonna have to have moments where everyone goes, what's he like, wait, what's next, Like we're kind of like back down to But I always get worried that because I know about human psychology and sociology and what people remember, that they're going to remember the moments where they didn't have faith in me to

keep going. But the truth is they do have faith in you. I am thinking that they don't think like I can. Artists you do that, yeah, you know, but I'm it's like I'm fine watching you. I don't get nervous, Like there is a way to do it where you take beats. I gotta I gotta learn how to do that. So present, I felt like there was a hundred people there, So I was really amazing. Do you think it's because you played sports as a kid that it helps me

for moments like this? Yeah? No, because I never was like the man on sports either, like no, no, but I was always like the fifth best guy on the

team or something, you know, like why would that help? No. So I was playing with my nephew the other day and he's you know, like into sports and stuff, and we were playing like monkey in the middle and he would like come up to me and try to tackle me, and he had like no hesitation about it, and I was thinking, like, wow, I wonder if this is going to like translate to later in life where you just go into something with no hesitation, and um, I just that.

I don't know. The older I got, the more fear I hadn't in sports. Sometimes with stand up it's the same way. It's kind of a weird thing. You'll go to like a a competition and a person that's like two months in will have the most confidence in the room because they just haven't felt pain of failing. They don't know how that it feels to get tackled yet. Yeah, like your nephew has not been in the face or you know what I mean, Like he doesn't know because

that's when you start flinching. Is when you know, when you burn yourself on the stove. Otherwise you're putting your hand on the stove. And yeah, that's interesting. Like I think you're right, Like the more you do it, the more you you have more data where you're like, I know how bad this can go. Badly this can go. I did a set last night where I was trying to be more slow and measured. The audience was terrible.

Like no offense to people who are at the comedy store last night on Wednesday, but main room you were drunk. It was not all of you, but there was like a couple of people that were just too drunk, laughing at the wrong times, like trying to make the show about them and like when they laugh and so it was just I heard it backstage and I go, oh, this set that I'm going to try to get something done on, it's worthless, like I heard Tom Poppa said.

And then when Tom brought me up and we crossed paths and I just go, he goes they are drunk, and I was like And then it became so fun because I was like this all I don't have to I can just experiment. I'm gonna go through like new stuff and it was um easier. And there were times where I was like, I'm not doing well like I am. I these setups are longer. Um. There was just moments where there's like too much silence for me where I start to go into your bombing if there's not laughter.

But I got off stage and Ben Glee watched me. Maybe it's just being nice, but he was like that was awesome, Like it was great. It was actually great because it wasn't that I wasn't funny. People were just listening and it was interesting and they're just lit and it's yeah, I know it's that and we need huh really okay, I'm still listening Like that's what comedians need is like constant, like are you still there? And that's why. That's what laughs confirmed. But otherwise you think they're they're

tapped out when they're just listening. We had we we definitely had a Bestie's there last uh two nights ago, and there was this one guy and there was a couple of funny moments with like crowd work because like I was really happy with my crowd work and like going back to the guy and bringing it in and like really just the rhythm of it. But one guy had his shirt unbuttoned all the way down to like his his belly button, and I was just like this is and you're sitting in the front row facing the

I was like, you're what what is this? Like this can't be your look and whatever. Like I went in on the guy, but like in a fun way, and and uh called like Benjamin unbuttoned, did you like have a fun Well listen, I'm in a relax state, right No, no, but no, But my my point is is that so I'm like rasing him a little and his girlfriend goes he passed a kidney stone and still came to your show. It was like yeah, And then I go, can anyone

beat that? Does anyone have seven fun? And who has a better story of like what they overcame to get here? How far did you drive? Like how many people like? But I went right into cancer, like like late cancer, and it hit pretty get there eventually it would hit harder though if like I probably didn't pick the most dude, how that's comedy for you. It's just like taking a risk like that and then going man, I was on the right path, but I overshot it a little bit,

like his buttons. Um, I've done that so much where I go, I take it. Oh my god, this is so embarrassing. I don't even want to say it because I don't even know how I can say this without UM, because I'm trying to be obviously more private about my UM, my personal life and my relationship because I like, I'm so obsessed with it right now and it's just the

best thing in the world. And it's because I've chosen to be UM just more loving and like not as freewheeling with It's like I could just say anything about my relationship, like I'm trying to respect it more. But I'm gonna I'm gonna try to get through this without breaching anything because I think it's funny. I was on stage, and people already kind of know that I don't get.

I was talking about jealousy and being jealous of j Loo, and then I was talking about I honestly, I've said it before, like I don't care on stage, so I think it's okay. I don't care if my boyfriend like hooks up with other girls. I'm actually turned on by it. And these two really hot girls in the front row like front ish row original room in the store. If you've been there, it's like kind of like a more like intimate setting. Yeah, it feels like like a bar show.

I was talking about, like, you know, I've been the other woman before. No women admit to it, but like, I don't care if you like I I went after a guy that had a girlfriend. I didn't care, and um, I don't really feel that bad about it. And I'm grappling with that, and they were like, well we're gonna and I go, no one ever admits of being another woman, and the girls go, and I go, except these fucking

oars and they go, we're gonna suck your boyfriend. And I go, it's funny you say that, you think that I would be threatened by that, but I actually like that, you guys are very hot, honestly, DM me, I will set it up. I will be turned on by that. And and then I just took it one step too far, like do you ever Like the audience was kind of on board with it because it's just such an outrighteous

thing to say. But then I took it to a place where things I say in the bedroom that are like the shorthand that Chris and I have in our intimate bedroom setting of like the kind of dirty talk that we do. I'm so used to talking that way and having it be totally line and like acceptable and almost sound like that's just the way you're talking about room.

Everyone must talk that way. That I said the most filthy thing I've maybe ever said in the bedroom, but it's something it would be, you know, it's up there. And I said it about them fucking my boyfriend and then like what I would do afterwards, and it shut the room down and suck like it was crickets so fast where people were like, like it was it was all of a sudden, like someone saw my porn search history.

Like it's almost like I opened my laptop at a Starbucks and like my porn from the last night was like and you're just like, oh my god. They just like it was. Yes, it was so gross that everyone was just like ah. And it was so funny because I also had this guy from Esquire magazine who's following me around that night and watching my sets, and he witnessed that, and I I hope he does he refers in some way because it was such a perfect example of me just being like, too, We're I'm exposing a

part of myself that I think. Me being such an open person, I say everything. There are still things I can say that can absolutely shock people. And it was but you know what it was. It was kind of like I've talked about it before, how I would like to do porn someday. Like it was impressively, impressively pornographic in a way that I think the silence was also

people being like horn too horny for it. I hate when I said morning goes oh, but like horny nous and comedy don't mix, like your dick if it's like has blood rushing to it. You know, I've talked about it my special so I think it was that too. But it was just it was that thing that you talked about where you're just like, oh man, I had them and I lost them on a dime because I

just said something so gross. But I do stand by it, and those girls can dm me and I would like to set it up, but um no, that's not my relationship right now. It's a you know, not. Everything he says about it has to be a reality. I just have to say I'm very happy in my relationship. It's the best it's ever been. And he's been in Iceland for eight days. It's awesome. Um do you find the distance makes the heart grow fonder? Yeah? No, it does,

if for sure? Um, I mean I was only gone for two days, but yeah, no, when you get back, I don't know. I was driving back and I was listening to someone talk about how much they love they have for their partner, and I was like literally getting teared up while driving back, thinking like, wow, this person really does love me for just just my who I am, and I don't know, just like the love. I was thinking about the love she has for me, not how much I love her, but like how can someone love

me so much? And I was just like driving like like I just had that too. It's sad to say that. I just let that in after nine years with this person or like going through so many different phases of our relationship. But I just had that too of like I think, you know, I hate to speak in like you know, f boy Island talked at the end of the day, his walls are coming down, and so are mine because I had to bring my walls down first.

I did not realize in my relationship that I was the one that is avoidant and scared of commitment and scared of forever and scared of like I think that I got into this archetype. Talk about archetypes now on Spotify, but I got into the archetype of the girl that is like, why doesn't this guy want to marry me? I want to get married. He's fairy of commitment. Like it's easy to play that character where you know, even on my reality show, it's like I was pursuing Chris,

he doesn't want to get married. It's just a that's a role I play. But I'm the one that is creating this vibe from him that that then makes me

this desperate character. I'm setting the stage for that. Like if you you you don't realize, like you can create the narrative about yourself that you want by having people like and it kind of showcases you, like like I was listening to the the same but like like you can make up, not make up, but you can make a story where it's like my mom did this, so then UM like this and maybe you like for me, like maybe I'll even like you could have exaggerated or whatever

to make yourself. You're not a bad person. You're not like yeah, someone else repeccable investigate this more read of this break. Yeah, we're talking about love and feeling loved before we went to break and yeah, I'm just starting to be like, oh my god, this person because I was so depressed last week and he was so like I just kept telling him, like get run away from this, like who wants to be with this? Like how could you possibly want to be around such a negative Nellie?

And like I just picture him like he's in having the time. He's holding up like a like a steak that he used to climb the mountain and he's like yeah, and you're on the other end, Like I just told him to stay, I go back to your friends. Yes, I was like I run away from me and I

wasn't trying to push him away. I was really like this, just check back in when I'm a better person, Like just forget you have a girlfriend, because this is not fun to deal with and there's nothing he was just like he just was like I am not going anywhere. I don't care, Like this is this is it? Like this is like this is what you are and like

it's just the way it is. Like it was almost kind of like sickness and in health, like and he thrives in that state too, Like it's a he's he likes being there for me in those times and just not having to fix it, but just like listening being there.

It's um, I think it makes him feel closer to me when I can be, you know, really honest about how ship, like how bad I feel, and I sometimes go because I remember in our relationship prior, like I would talk bad about myself or I would say I'm so like ugly or whatever I was struggling with, and

I would be like I remember him. Maybe he didn't say it, but I just remember someone being like when my partner talks like that about themselves, like why would I want to be with someone that doesn't even like themselves? Like what do you think of me if I'm with you, and I think whether he said that or I heard that somewhere back then, it's not the way he feels now like he the love we have for each other. It's I could say anything bad about myself and it's not going to make him go oh, I never saw

that about you. I was always kind of scared of revealing something that's like now you're going to see the real thing, and now you're gonna run away. It's like he's I could become you know, I could be in an assile attack and have no face and he would still be attracted to me. He would still want Yes, he accepts me, and that really confounds me. Though I'm kind of similar, I think to you in a way

where I don't like to ask for help. I don't like people helping me a lot until it gets to the point where like I need all the help sometimes and like I feel like so much strong in so many ways where it's like this person doesn't need anything at all, and then it's like no, I do. And because I think, like some people like go oh, you can help me today, like like it's like little increments of help, you know what I mean? And so then it's like and that's he likes to be of service.

He like and it makes him feel good. It makes anyone feel good to help out others. I always talk about it whenever i'm if you're depressed, out there the number one way to get out of it. And I should have told myself this past weekend, but I was not.

You know, depressed people are not in a state to figure out things that will make them feel better, because the problem with depression is that you convince yourself this is the state that you should this is reality, and anything to get you out of it would be in a lusory dreamlike world where you don't want to be one of the sheep. You want to know how bad add life is, and so you get stuck in it. So I really don't want to take advice. But anytime

I'm just like, can we start talking about me? Can I just like hear about your life and like give you some advice, like helping someone else takes you out of it. But he, um, he loves doing that ship and I think that, um, I just need to get

it depressed more often for our relationship. Now. It's it was really like I don't know, I was just like sometimes it does strike me where it's the same thing with what my mom says she loves me, and I go, but why, Like I want actual I want information about what you love about me because I feel like I want to hear like you're you make me feel this like I get it from my friends, but sometimes I feel like, you know, when people just love you, um

unconditionally the way that you know Brenna loves you and conditionally the way you're talking about where it's just like, oh my god, someone like deeply loves me in a way that like my mom does, just because I exist and I'm that person, Like that's what I'm replacing it, Like that's what you get a partner for, I believe is because your parents die and that unconditional someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally is going to leave this earth and you need to replace them with someone

else that is just like I'm in it. I'm family, and I have that from my friends, but I'm really starting to feel that like, Okay, I just have to stop questioning why Chris loves you even though he puts up with all this stuff that you think makes you unlovable. Just surrender yourself to the fact that he does. And it's just like the way your dad or your mom loves you, like it's it's that deep now that there, it doesn't need definition, it doesn't need evidence in proof.

I would fine tune that and take out puts up with two accepts. Well, I guess I'm saying. I'm saying I was saying puts up with to be the most negative version of myself in that scenario. But you're absolutely right, accepts. But you're right, But in my most negative state, I, oh god, what am I offering him? Except like, I know sex really, like I blow it out of the park every fucking time. But like that is not enough

to keep a relationship going. And it's certainly I know him enough to know that, like it takes more than that. So sometimes I'm like, what is he getting out of this? And um, and I think that that just is me needing to I do need to know more of Like I need to know what I do that makes him feel like he loves me so much so I can do more of it. And I figured out that with men just from reading read it really and having male friends, but really read it. And I've talked about this before.

Men are starved of hearing what they mean to you. What how complimenting them about their personality there looks like men are so thirsty for it. And I think that in the past with Chris, I was so I watched Jerry McGuire last night, and I'm like, oh my god, this is our relationship. Like if you remember that movie was up till three watching it. I'm just going through all my favorite movies with Harry mat Sally, Jerry McGuire.

I And it's so interesting to see these movies from an adult lens because in that movie, I thought Renee's Elwigger and Jeremy Ware liked each other equally and then it just didn't work out. But she was so in love with him, put him on a pedestal, would do anything to make it work. He did not love her in that way because he wasn't capable of it, and also she he shouldn't have because she loved him blindly,

so he didn't actually feel. You can't love someone that you go, I don't really this person loves me and they don't really know me. He didn't feel seen because he didn't let his walls down. She shouldn't have loved him that way. So eventually she says to him, like, this was a mistake. It was my fault. I I thought I could love us enough for both of us,

and it's not the case. So then they get, you know, they separate, and then he finally, you know, lets his walls down and like and loves her, and it kind of happens a little too quick for my taste upon second viewing, but it's a movie and they gotta get it under two hours, um, because I used to respect

your time back in the nineties with movies. But I just feel like, um, I used to want Crystal love me so much and just get that like I love you that I um that I didn't leave him space to actually do it, and I think once and now I'm so cagy about putting too much love on him because I used to not get it back enough, like I feel like I love you so much, And then he'd be like, I love you too, you know, like he was trying to match me to be polite, but I can tell it wasn't the same as what I

was feeling or But the truth is I didn't love him in that way, so he was reacting the right way.

You know, like, but now I feel like I need to be more confusive about my feelings because he like I think with Jerry McGuire, and I think maybe even with you a little bit like but honestly kind of like he Jerry McGuire, like the whole point of the movie is like he searched for, you know, as many clients as possible and being a ruthless agent, and his career was fucking everything and that's where he found his happiness is signing the most money and and all this

like ego stuff. And I feel like with you where you've like you couldn't you had your head down so much for your career this whole time, that like how could you love someone if you're that focused on, you know, finding happiness in your career and finding from the outside from from yeah yeah, validation that is so and that doesn't mean anything. And then the end, but you have

to go through it to learn that. It's kind of like the monkey in the middle with Noah's like nephew, it's like he doesn't know that, like, oh this he never You experienced so many highs in this business already and you're gonna only get more. But it's like trying to feed that like whatever, like that validation related to that movie, right, I related to her and him and fucking Cuba Gooding Junior to it all, and and the

baby boy wears glasses and has blue highs. And though I would have liked to see this woman be a little bit old her in his age, he's thirty five and she's twenty six, And I'm like, well, couldn't she have been thirty four in the movie? Like I'm glad they've cast her and it was probably based on that, but like I don't need her to be so young.

And but it makes sense because she's maturity wise, they're kind of at the same place because he's so stunted from having this like a career, and she's grown up more because she's a single mom. So it does make sense. But man, I just feel like, um, do boys do men?

I should say, like it's I think that you if you want more from people, you've got to give it first, Like you gotta be the one like if I and I think that I've just been so cag about showing like being so loving to Chris because I used to not get it back that if I give him that again he won't give it back. But our relationship is different now. It's like I'm dating a different person, so I have to be I want to be more effusive

because he seems to really respond to it. And then I get it back and it's like, oh my god, whoa this is? I think I've just been So it's like, yeah, it's exactly like the monkey in the middle thing of like I got tackled too much early on with the same person and I didn't get back, and it hurts so much that I don't want to give up anything now and I'm more cag with my feelings and I just have to I have to realize, like, uh, I gotta do the uncomfortable thing if I want to get

that back. Well, what's so cool about well life in general, but with relationships, like let's say nine nine times in a row, the person doesn't respond how you want them to respond, and then but then like let's say, you know, the eighth and ninth time, you finally speak up and you go, Okay, this isn't working like this, like whatever, like you gotta change, and then the tenth time they actually like change. It's not like life. You're like whoa,

They're gonna go back to you. You're like, Okay, this is who they are now and and this is great and let's go from here like that. Like that, it's hard to you know what I us. They will like you will relapse, You will have those moments where you go back to the first nine times you were doing it because that it's so ingrained us and it and by the time we're thirty five, I'm learning this from

this book that I've actually I'm finishing you guys. Um Breaking the Habit of being Yourself by Joe to Spenser. I have so much to say about it. I want people to read it because I want to make fun of it so bad. That are so And you gotta listen to his meditations because I love this guy's writing so much. But Joe, if you're listening, your meditations are fucking insane and I can't. I just need you, guys, to do one of his meditations on YouTube, and just

so I can make fun of it. We can talk about it, um and see if you can get through it because I could not. Um. But what you're saying is um. Yeah, Like I I actually was on a run recently and I told Chris because we were doing We're just on such a good stretch of loving each other so much. And I He's like, hey, if you put in this effort that the things I need from you, my love language, if you work towards doing these things that for you, you just don't think like why would

that me matter to him? But it does, Like you need to understand these do so please. And I said the same to him. And I said to him, I was on a run recently and I was like, oh, I gotta tell him. This analogy of our relationship is going to be like a run, a long run where I'm like, I'm not gonna stop running, but they're going to be stretches of it where it looks like I'm walking, almost like there's going to be times where I'm never

gonna give up. I'm giving you that promise, like I obviously haven't yet, but just know that my I'm not gonna always be sprinting. It's not always gonna look that impressive, and it's gonna look but I'm not gonna I'm not gonna walk. Like you know, if you if you go on to run your runner and you start walking, you don't run again. I mean, it's rare where you go. I'm gonna just take a break and get some water,

and then you get up to a pace again. Once you stop, you're kind of like, well, I'm gonna stop my app Nike Run app. And then they say something, you know, like, hey girl, you got out there today and every run is just a little change in the penny jar and someday you're gonna cash out, and you're like that is insulting. Um, it's like Hussain Bolt being like, whoa, I saw you out there today. You almost caught up to me. I gotta watch my back, and you're like,

stop this condescension. But um, that's how it feels like. I just don't want to stop running. And it might look like I'm one of those old men who runs like they're throwing a baseball where they're just like limping, like the old man in town that you would see running on the side of the road constantly. It might look like that. And I told him I was like, Chris, I am always going to I'm not gonna walk, I'm not gonna sit down. I'm not gonna give up on

this run. I gotta complete it. But it's gonna be it's not gonna be perfect. I'm going to forget dates that you tell me to save. I'm going to schedule things sometimes without thinking about you. Um, I'm gonna forget stuff. Um, but I don't want to forget it, and my intention

is not too But I'm gonna slip up again. And it's does that is that kind of like what you're saying about let's feel like I'm well, I'm thinking about with the run analogy like the tortoise and the hair like I feel like your very hair like like with your life because your life is fast moving and it's hard to pay attention to think. So it's like maybe run like a little. I want to do that with everything. I'm so excited about the surgery because it is going to make me I cannot talk, so I will be

listening constantly. I will just be observing. It will be a completely almost meditative experience. I want to get quiet and calm and slow. I need like purposely. Yeah. I think your life has been your life has been on one point eight speed or maybe maybe to talk so and that is actually for my vocal healthy Remember vacation, No, because you've never been on one. I thought you met

the movie. You know what I mean. No, No, I'm just saying, like your vacations are even work, you know, like you just haven't let yourself because you've had no but for two days. This is the best thing. I would not have been able to do this break where

I don't do any podcasts. I don't do like I just posted a tweet yesterday that said, normalize free time as not something that means I. It was something about, like free time doesn't mean that is I'm available, Like free time does not equal oh, we should like put some press interviews in here or like, because there's always something I can put in there. And the only way that I was able to get actual free time is to have my turn into Ariel and to have Ursula

take my voice. I'm calling doctors, I tell us Ursula because he's taking my voice from me, and I have to figure out I it's the only because otherwise if I, let's say I took a break from the road and was like, I can't go on the road, like I pull a Jonah Hill and I go it's giving me anxiety. I'm not doing this part of my life. There's always something else I can do. I could do zoom interviews.

I could like, but when you can't talk, it really is like I think it's gonna make me a better guitarist because man, I gotta figure out myself in that way together together where like area because you can't talk anymore and I have a tail? Can I be Sebastian and you brush your hair with a fork? Yes, you gotta be Sebastian. Um, I'm starting to Anthony jessel N. You know what I mean, Like there's no wiggle room for you then with this no voice, there's not like

you have. That's why I love about it. It's like literally being thrown in prison and I'm like there's nothing. It's like bondage that I talk about where it's like you get to be lazy in bed and it's forced laziness, Like I don't know, one gets to say I'm lazy in bed. I'm like, I'm tied up. I can't move.

It's not my fault. Um. Is there any part of you know that goes like any part of your ego or you're like even without a voice, I'm still gonna do a special or not as special, but you know, like like you're going to figure out something people are going to actually do. I know that people are gonna steal my idea and have their vocal cords fixed because there's so many people with damage. Nearly everyone who sings as no, no, I'm just talking about you. I'm just

going to accomplish so much during it. It's going to make people go, what this you know, Like when Mulaney quit drinking that was I was like, that's his special sauce, Like, I need to do what this guy does because he's

on the next level. And I do believe this is going to take me to the next level, not comedically necessarily, but it's what my intention for it is to find like the artist I want to be after this and to shift into like who I want to just find who I want to be after this, and I'm gonna my intention is to pull a Hannibal Burris and reinvent myself as another artist and to like start over. I really I want to do it. I cannot sing as myself. I don't want to be a singer songwriter as Nikki Glazer,

that's a comedian, that is a TV host. I want to get like I'm gonna do. It's so fun. I'm gonna do like a character name and be because when I started doing comedy, I was thinking about it because I'm trying to write songs right now and I'm like, I cannot this is so hard to do. I keep saying I can't do it. But when I first wrote jokes, I just was like, what would Sarah Silverman right? Just right for Sarah Silverman? So I need to create right now.

I'm kind of like, okay, right for Taylor's swift, right for dually, but like if you had to turn in the song to them, what would it be? And that's an easier way. But I need to invent a character for myself that is me, that is and I'm waiting for what that is and I think it's I just the name has to like find me. So I'm my intention is like I come out of this and I

know and I'm not gonna reveal. I don't think I'm gonna reveal who it is because I want to become famous in um in my own right without any help from my current career. And I because people will always say if you get famous, and you know, Michael Jordan maybe not would not have made the baseball team if he wasn't Michael Jordan, and they gave him an extra like, let's just see what this guy's got, you know, Like what, oh yeah, they wanted to sell T shirt? Yeah, what

do you mean? He actually probably would, but he'll never know because he went in as Michael Jordan and people can always say, no, they gave him an extra shot because he's Michael Jordan's not that I'm comparing myself to him. I'm just saying I don't want anyone to be able to say she's actually not good. I want people to go, I want people to go, that girl, whatever my you know name is, is so good and they go, do you know what's Nicky Glazer? Hannibal Burst is doing it

with his rap career. He has to um. He started this new I forget the name of the He's good, He's great, amazing. It was like, did you hear the freestyle? It was so good. I mean, that guy's a genius artist and it makes sense like comedians are. That's what Sway was saying there. I think it was Sway, someone

who was interviewing. I don't think it was say actually, but it might have been on the show, was saying to Hannibal Comedians are good at being artists and like they can bridge that stuff like look at Jamie Fox. Did you hear Jamie Foxes Trump? I saw that it was that guy is probably the most talented personalized Jamie Fox oscar Winner with things throw oh my god when they go that's how they get you. That's how they get you. Because he was like, so, what is your

favorite death Death Row artists? And he was like, I see what he did there. That's like the way you guys got to watch the impression he did of Trump because it is number one almost deep fake levels of like two uh too spot on. You know, someone was talking about how deep fakes are not funny. Who was it, Oh, we're talking to um. We're talking about Kyle's on again doing impressions and how it's really funny the filter he

puts on his face to do impersonations. If it was a deep fake with that voice, it's two looks too much like them that it doesn't make it funny. You need to be a little bit off to parody it. And that is what how good Jamie Foxes is is that it sounds so much like him. I mean it is I have keep watching it. I'm like this guy is the most talented person ever. And I never even

saw Ray. I mean he didn't either, but uh so that reminds me of the best slide of the show, maybe Everest, when I go, how do you know what your asshole looks like? And you were like, how does Stevie Wonder play the piano? Yeah? Does he know what the keys look like? That was one of the greate Yeah, you're gonna always know where your asshole is. Uh what?

But I think, like, what's crazy about that is obviously he's a black man, looks nothing like Donald Trump, but like some of these character actors can embody and where you're like, oh, you don't even have to. If you're that, you don't even have the fun. The reason I'm good at comedy is because I wasn't good enough at acting or singing to actually do I would have been I would have been those things, right, Like those are the avenues that you learned about early on to become famous,

which is what I craved being on TV. And then comedy was the low last thing I tried out of all those things, and it's stuck. But the truth is what I didn't know then, and I talked about all

the time. Is like I just didn't work at those other things and comedy I just got lucky the first time and had a good set and so and someone goes, I mean, you talk about it in one of my specials of like all it takes to get a girl to blow you all the time is to be like, you're really good at this, like make her feel special, and then you'll do it forever. And that's why everyone has to be more heavy handed with compliments when you are impressed by someone. Because I was talking to, um,

who was I talking to recently? Oh, the guy that's following me around for Esquire. His name is John McDermott. He's written UM so much for Esquire. He's a great writer. And he goes, I mean he can trace his becoming a journalist to one teacher going you could actually do this for a living. That the one teacher saying that, and like his whole career is based on this one person who believed in them. Um, and I just didn't get that from singing and acting, whereas I got it

with comedy. But the truth is it it I could have come across someone that actually thought I was a good actress because I do have potential there, but I just never got in front of the right person to say that, or I would have been an actress because all that does is push you too then practice enough because you know you're good. You have it in your head that like, I know, no matter how bad I suck, that person who I respect thinks I have it, So

I'm unwavering. That's what you need to become great is an unwavering confidence that I know I'm good somewhere and here I'm good. And if you don't have that going into something, and you also don't have the uh you haven't read a book like the Talent Code that talks about like talent is not born, it is practiced you you will not get good at things like you need that and especially the young, impressionable age. I have it

now for myself. I realize, like I'm having a lot of epiphanies about being at an age where like I have to decide if I'm having kids, and I was like, what if I don't have kids, and if if let's say, my ideal daughter is like, oh, she's like this Olivia Rodrigo, like emotional artist who's like knows herself is like inspiring people, But like, why can't I give that same like opportunity that I would give my daughter to facilitate that to myself Because I don't have to pay for swim lessons,

I don't have to pay for dental appointments for my kids. I don't have to I'm I can mother myself. I can start over because also, I think a lot of people don't pursue talents later in life because they have jobs, they have kids, they don't have time spend hours it takes to get good at something. I'm not bragging, but I have I don't have kids. I have jobs that I can actually walk away from in a responsible way.

I've saved enough money. That's why Whitney last night was like you need to buy Are you gonna buy a house? And I go, no, I'm going to keep living moderately because I need to finance my pop star career. Like I need to be like Miley Cyrus is well, not Miley Cyrus' mom, but like you know these young moms of like these young girls that go like We're going to move out of Ohio, move to l A and fucking take a shot, and I'm gonna bank all my

money on my daughter pursuing her dream. I can do that for myself because I would do that for my daughter no matter what she wanted to pursue. So it's a nice way to flip it in my head of like if I don't have kids, I can mother myself and and and start over. There's something about there's something about like Hannibal doing rap where the analogy the thing

is is like a lot of rap is comedy. Right, It's just like one line nerds that are like left turned so that it's it's not not too far from comedy. It's not so well, that's what you're going freestyling. It's the same kind of right. It's like if you go from comedy to singer songwriter, where it's a heart and emotional and you're and you have to really it's it's

a bigger leap in a way from going comedy. Well, I've already faced the back comedy of being like trashed about exactly, and that's why I'm like I gotta kill off. Nikki Glazer, singer like Matt Pond is releasing some songs with his new band, The Natural Lines, which they have a new song out. I really implore everyone to add it to the Spotify because it's my friend. And that's the Natural Lines and the new song is the Problem

is Me. I recorded that song. He wrote that song for me to record, and I recorded it, and so I know it already. It's such a good song. He did such a better job with it. Obviously, it's I've been playing it NonStop. It's called the Problem is Me. I put it on my Instagram story yesterday. But that, um, what was gonna say. I he's going to release some of the songs. I think St. Lou which is the song that was on my UM show, and um this other song still not Still Summer, I forget what it

was called Endless Summer. We're gonna release those two on a record next to May. And he's getting together all this record design and and it said Nicky Glazer with the Natural Lines, And I'm like, can you just do the Natural Lines featuring Nicki Glazer? Like I don't want this is the old me and like she had a she had a voice. Things are great, the songs are great, but I gotta I'm gonna reinvent and um and so that people so that I can if people go, oh

my god, Nicky Glazers singing, it's embarrassing. I'm gonna go no, she's actually Nicki Lazer is not singing. She Nicki Lazard does comedy. Um, you know, George Funk is singing. I don't know even know what my name is gonna be. It might be like a boy's name. I honestly, I'm like, I get to be anyone I want. And it's so cool because it's also like having a baby. You get to like name yourself. Like I know this sounds very transy um and I mean that in the best way,

but like I get to create a new person. Maybe that's just what I'm thinking now I'm going to do. But I want to be a new person with this. I'm thinking what like because Garth Brooks obviously Chris Gaines. With Chris Gaines, it was a little much because he went to like straight Hair and it was like he he just like, by the way, I love that album. I listened to it when I had mono and I was crying in an attorney house writing poems so like to but but I'm just trying to do you know

what Garth Brooks, like, I forget how he did that. Uh, yeah, yeah, there was like is that Garth was it? Like? This is it was Sasha Fears like I'm Beyonce, but this is my alter ego Ziggy start us, like yeah, yeah, I believe that's how it was the only thing he changed with a straight in his hair and he had like a little soul pat. I might do wigs like I want to do with I want really like I can't.

I don't want to look like myself. I want to sing um totally, like maybe do like a dead mouse thing like in a fucking helmet or something, you know, like I want. I eventually will take it off one side know who this person is, but I might daft punk it of like I don't want me. I want people to go like I want to be. I want to disappear into it and I don't want anyone to know it's me. But I also so I probably will end up just being like Hannibal about it. Of like,

don't judge this person. She's a new artist. It is me though, you know. But that's the trick is like you gotta create a separate persona. I love picturing you though doing the podcast with the daft punk helmet on. I mean I I basically do that on days or my eyes look like the sunglasses. That is another world.

That's what That's what I love about Cia. I don't know if people know this, but Sia did not put on a wig and sing with her back to the camera because she was felt like she was ugly or embarrassed, like maybe those things were with those selfestee stuff. She didn't want. She wanted to have a normal life where everyone didn't know was her everywhere she went, and so she purposely did that to be separate than from the artist.

Anya said to me recently that Sharon Stone was always like when people talk about Sharon Stone and the tabloids, that's not me. I'm a different person. Um, she didn't have to give herself a different name, even though Sharon Stone is an amazing, you know, pseudonym. But I gotta come up with a new name, which who knows if it's going to be like Kesha, or it's gonna be like two names, or it's gonna be I don't Cincinnati, sue, uh,

Andrew's frozen again. But we'll be right back with fan Trax. Alright, we're back. Let's get to fan Trax. Hell. Yes, Let's hear what the bussies have to say this week. So many good voice nails. Let's start off with Alyssa, Hey, Nikk. You know and Andrew, I love you all, best of

your life. Since the beginning of Blah Blah blah, um, so, I working at restaurant and I was listening to The Horse Side with Blend Gleab episode about how, um, sometimes the customer is not always right and everything, and I just want everyone to know that. Like what we do in my restaurant to get through it is we kind of poke fun to the customers without them knowing. Um. We have this thing called LHC and that means liquor hunter like his cock, and that means going above and beyond,

but like kind of being santastic about it. So it's like, oh my god, yes, I'd love to get you an extra side of ranch apps, so fucking lutely should like that. Um. And then we also do this thing where when people leave, instead of saying take care, we say dick hare and it kind of sounds the same, and it's just and keep things light because honestly, the restaurant industry stocks right now in yeah for a reason. We love our jobs and it's fun. It's great money out there to restaurants.

I love you all and love you grabbit jack rabbit um love that. Yeah. I really implore people, if you got expendable cash and you like dining out, get out there. Be nice to your weight staff, tip a lot um, help them out because it's I think it is a it's a struggle out there right now in customer service, entitled people. It's just something's changing culturally where people are just were are so mean. But I love these little tricks the out Wait, what is it? Lick lick h

LHC can stop luy his coke? No, don't spit in your people, but you have to get you another ranch. Oh my gosh, so funny. Yes, you're just being so nice that they kind of know you hate them. That's good. I used to say, Um, you could say to someone, have a good one, and they don't know that you mean death. Like to you it can mean death. You know, like you can make it for you. They don't know you sound like you're being nice, have a good one, or like I just love, I just love like try

later you said, hitch, take care dig hair. I kind of see how But I can see people in their car being like day. It was like that when I went to six Flags with my dad once when we were kids and the guy goes, all right, we've got to the ticket counter or whenever. He goes all right, get your ass in the park. Um, and my dad goes what and he goes, pet dress in the park. My dad goes, or did you say get your ass? And he goes no, I said, welcome to Jurassic Park.

It was like because it was raining outside and he was like making a joke that it was like really ominous weather, and um we left. We loved it because it was were yawning and it was like that guy just said get your ass in the park. It was so fun. I love. We had a moment on these where this girl would come around and she had a she goes silver, silver in the glass, silver in the glass, and we're like silver and and we're all like some souvenir glass but like the does things with your family,

you go nuts like it was like, um. My favorite one of those is in Amy's movie Snatched with Goldie Hawn where they check into this hotel and the person comes up to them with like a little these little glasses of like smoothie, and he goes welcome, Welcome, and she's like, whail come, and it looks like and he's like welcome and she's like, oh no. She takes a set and it's like he goes welcome and she's like, it's like it's like this Hawaiian resort and she thinks

it's whalcome. That was one of my favorite ones. VENTI please blow all right. Next, fan trax are just saying we're okay, Andrew and Noah, this is your bestie Stephanie from San Francisco. You know where Andrew had to get a new pair of shoes right before walking on this set.

I actually watched y'all show on YouTube, and after I watched the current show, YouTube will just randomly place on an older episode and it re um played episode one sixty, which is without You Maria, and she is talking about a bikini being lost in New Jersey through USPS and she wasn't going to have it from Mexico. And I just now all of a sudden need um insight. I need the the follow through, I need the end of the story. I need I need the plane land and

what happened to bikini. I'm gonna have trouble sleeping tonight if if I don't find out was was on your Mari naked? Was she able to resurface in her brand new Bikinian Mexico. I think this is so much proud to be a bestie um Dopeyka and jack anson off Um love it. Jack anson Off Um. This is a new kind of fan because I like where people because there are a lot of loose ends on the show. If you need some kind of closure, please ask for it and we'll give it to the closure here. I

think Noah has the answer. So I reached out to Annya this morning and she goes, yes, I got it back eight months later. Now I'm selling it on eBay. It's brand new, extra small, It's been on sale for months, no bites. We gotta get her name on eBay so people can check it out. And by the way, she did have a bikini in the Hampton's that is so cute and perfect, and I believe it's from the same company because it was Italian, so maybe she got an extra but it is very cute. So um, yeah, try

to find that. I don't know the brand or anything, but that eight month later, Jesus Christ. Um, glad we'd glad we tied up that string bikini. Um great, great frand tracks next up. All right, here's a story from Megan. Hey, Nikki, Andrew and Noah. UM, my name is Megan, and I was calling because a few weeks ago you had talked about the awkwardness of like watching a movie where the

same situation is happening and it's awkward between the people watching. Um. In college, our friend's dog had just died, so we knew going into pet cemetery that it was going to be a little weird, but we kind of thought we'd like laugh my way through it. Um. We didn't know that in the movie they get burned alive. Um, and her father had been burned alive and had died that way. And instead of turning it off and being mature and looking at her and saying, oh my god, I'm so sorry,

we were all in our early twenties. Week just watched the whole thing and then like silently filed out of the appointment and it was never mentioned. And I still am mortified, but that happened. We never talked about it with her. God so sad. So she and her brother died. Her brother was burned alive, but as right like she left her dog. It was already awkward. That was like, oh the dog, but they kind of knew going into

into it. They just didn't know about that. And then she also had this other tragic thing happened in her life that is, oh, okay, wait, there's a little bit left. And then the second thing is is in the last episode, you were doing your impressions if everyone, and it clicked with me that you identify with a bird because you are like a bird that that mocks people a para keyt. I thought they are or a parent. So they noticed that. I didn't know if you had made the connection of

your impersonations. Um, that's all. I got such a good point because I'm like a bird. Because I could only do two second impressions. It's like birds don't really like go places with their questions. They just do like a couple of words. Yeah, that's why. Okay, I really like that spin. I can't get over the burning. Oh my god,

that sucks so much. It's so sad, And I mean I've had things where it's like, you know, when I was antorectic, I remember just always just being so aware of watching anything that might make someone feel awkward about

the fact that I'm struggling with this thing. Like I don't want to watch something where someone gets called out for being intorectic, because then my whole family is going to be like it's the elephant in the room, like, you know, being aware of things about me that like, yeah, if I lost my brother in up fire, I would be so cautious not about my own like trauma, but like of making of people feeling sorry for me watching things.

Does that make sense, Like worry about that people are gonna be like, oh my god, this is so awgward for Nikki and being like I think that's maybe part of my personalities just to take care of other people's feelings about my own trauma instead of my own because it's easier that way. Um, next time, like maybe do look who's talking or something? To think the movie choice, whoever chose the movie the next time, choose Marley and

me just go right there. Well, he's just sticking with the dog theme and you're not risking any like complete family tragedies popping up. Alright, final thought, let's go to another Okay, this one comes from Molly. You guys, I am listening to episode Trish Training Bro, and you guys are talking about in hairs and nipple hairs and how sorry to bring this up again, Noah, but you had to shave the morning after like a hook up to like control the great hair. And I feel so seen.

I seriously have been so insecure about like I get like these like hairs, like I guess it's basically like a sidebird, and they grow so fast and it's so embarrassing and it makes me feel like a gross nam And now I know that like Hala and Nikki and Noah like all the same thing. And I just I

should have known this sooner. But I truly feel so zeen and I just had to call in and tell you guys, I'm so glad, oh my god, because honestly, there are these things that we keep we think other people don't have, even though we have been exposed to so many people admitting their truths that you think there's still things about you that other people don't have, but you just keep whatever you got going there is someone that has it. I'm so glad you felt seen by that.

I was just thinking of like another thing that you pointed out that's like such like an embarrassing thing, but it happens to just about every woman. And that's like

the little joint uh toilet paper and our vaginas. Yes, that was a real big like that was learning seeing seeing those joints and realizing other women had them, and those joints, I was never been in this bathroom before, so those have to be from another woman, so other like it was a it was a moment for me in a stall when I saw those of like I know that this isn't just me. I don't think I put in the special but like even taking baths with my sister, like my vagina just sucks up toilet paper.

I remember as being a kid in the bathroom my sister and having to skim the top of the water to like collect the toilet paper that I had accumulated in my vagina that would be released in the bath. As a child, even my vagina was like just swiffering debris, insane, Like I worked at like vagina to clean up the ocean, like go reverse. I love the idea too of like

thank God for the Internet and shows like ours. We're very honest about our like people do in the sixties everything you were just a bearded woman in the circus like back in the day, if you embraced it. Otherwise you just didn't leave the house. But there's still things, there's I gotta I gotta think there's something that I even me that I am struggling with. I'm sure there's something that I can't even go to in my head because it is so in the recesses of like I

will never tell anyone that that. Other people listening right now you struggle with it too, thinking no one else does I know there's something that is My goal in life is to get all of those things out of me and like be able to admit them freely, to free up any kind of like, you know, just even talking about um, it was so nice. I ran into a bestie. Maybe it was on a beustie. Yesterday I taped a filmed TV show and the woman that was like my onset, you know, contact was like I saw

I just saw you last night at Supernova. Your pedophilia bit was so fucking good. I never thought I'd tell someone that, but I love your pedophile jokes, and I I think that is where I'm kind of getting into it. Of like I I I've had to be like, wait,

what if I am a pedophile? Like you have to ask yourself that question at some point of like what if I'm a murderer, or like you know, we all have these dark thoughts of like, oh my god, I just thought of pushing that person in front of traffic, like in my psychopath or like I think a lot of times guys, I think I've heard guys admit when it used to be a thing that carried more shame even though it still does uh for many people about being gay that men have to go like am I gay?

Like and give it a real serious thought of like do I even want to explore that? Because if I let that out, is it going to make me gay? And I think that you know my joke, I go, you know, I'm talking about my nephew wanting to shower with me and saying to him like or saying to my sister like, no he can't, because what if I molest him? And like saying that puts it out there that like I've questioned, like like it could it be

in me? And that is something I would never have admitted to even thinking before because it might mean that I am if I've had that thought, but now I know intrusive thoughts like that. If anything, the fact that I'm worried about it means I'm not, And the fact and I also know I'm not because you know, you're a pedophile by the time you're thirteen, like by the time you've reached puberty. If you're not really attracted to

kids by then, you're not gonna be. So if anyone out there is ever worried about that, I've looked into it because I'm like, because I always just reason no one chooses to be a pedophile, So I don't want that to happen to me, you know, like what if you bump your head? Like what if no one knows the root cause of it? But I do know that, you know, if you are the unfortunate person to be attracted to children, and that's part of your brain fuck. We talked about it before, but it's not your fault.

But it is up to you what you do with it, which I hope isn't like you know, are proactive and making sure you do not hurt anyone with it, But um, no one chooses that. And I think that there is a part of me that was always like what if, like I just got lucky that I'm not a murderer or not I'm not homicidal, or I'm not a psychopath, Like you don't get to choose your brain. But I think that that was something that for a while, I was scared to admit that I even thought like, am

I could I be this? Because it's I'm so fascinated by it that And then now I have a whole little bit where it's like people kind of go, why she's so into pedophilia and I've talked about it before in the show, but it's like, well, girls are into murder podcasts and you don't go, she's a murderer. It's like, no, I'm just you're disgusting for like thinking it or like it.

I'm just my dude, joke is I'm a pederisto. You know how they call like the girls, people that are fans of my favorite murder podcasts are called like murderistas. So I'm trying to make it like a cute thing of like I just like, yeah, um, I guess I gotta work on that. But it was nice. There's stuff like that that I even admitting on stage that I was the other woman in a relationship. And I pursued

a guy that had a girlfriend. That was something that I go, I'm gonna have to take this one to the grave because no one's going to empathize with this. I'm a bad person. But even that, like, I know I'm not alone because I did the math on it. I'm like, if everyone says they've been cheated on, there's a lot more women that are the other woman on the other side of this, then I'm hearing about. I mean, for everyone that's cheated on, there's another woman. But why

am I only hearing about women being cheated on? Why is no one talking about being another woman? It's because no one is admitting it because it's embarrassing and that you'll get villainized. But it's just as there's just as many women out there. My joke is is it just

me and Leon Rhymes fucking your boyfriends? And the funny part is I saw Leon Rhymes on a flight recently and I wanted to tell her about the joke and be like, oh, you're mentioned my joke, But I you know, I don't think we're there yet because I don't know her personally, and so I shouldn't probably comment on the fact that she's in a relationship with someone who was in a relationship. I feel like, I feel like if you're looking back at it, there's like a different, like

a feeling of like I was the other person. I acknowledge it. I'm coming clean about it. I don't know. If I wanted to trick is to be able to do it in the moment, because then you can stop the behave you're like, if you get on. I mean, that's the first step in a program. Stuff is like I'm an alcoholic admitting that you currently are doing a bad thing. That is where you want to get to because the sooner you can address it, the sooner you can go well, this is not who I want to be.

But it takes that lag. For me. It took a year and a half before I couldmit on stage after I pursued a guy with a girlfriend that I did that I wouldn't even reference it on a podcast, you know, because I didn't. I was so ashamed of it. And now because I was gonna try to make a new acronym of N d A, I think it's hand or whatever. Uh Nikki is doing adultery um, but I uh, and

it is. I'm only able to talk about it not because I got space from it, which is maybe part of it, but because I'm not ashamed about it because I did. I thought about it enough, and I go, I'm not a bad person because this happened. I made a mistake. I didn't do something that I'm proud of. I don't want to be that way anymore, but I'm not. I'm not ashamed of it. I accepted about myself as a thing that I did that I don't want to

do again. There's millions of other people that are flawed in the same exact way the other woman, and everyone is making you feel bad about it in your life and there's no there's nothing for you to listen. I mean, this is a part of what I want to do, is like there's no songs. When I was going through it and I was like pining for a guy with a girlfriend and I wanted someone to have a little bit of empathy for my situation, there's one fucking song

for you. There's it's Alicit Affairs by Taylor Swift. It's the only song written from the perspective that I could find of the perspective of the woman who knew the guy had a girlfriend and still went after him, and it actually has some empathy for her, but it's otherwise. Most songs are like bitch, you still took my man, fuck you, or like fuck you for cheating on me,

piece of sh it. It's always written from that woman's perspective that got hurt by that woman, which is a valid place to be as well, not invalidating that anger, although I do think it's misplaced on the girl often because you have to if you stay with the guy that cheats on you, you have to make the woman who she's gotten the village because you couldn't stay with the guy otherwise. Trying to just tell you, I'll tell you now. There's this woman. I gotta send you the article.

She put up a TikTok. All these women were talking about her in her in her TikTok. Right, she finds the women on Instagram, sees their husbands and starts d m N their husbands, and then shows the women that we're talking about them in the comments, the receipts of how the husband wants to cheat on them. Oh boy, you I don't know how I didn't send it to you. I was like, this is this is fucking juicy. I'm sorry, as fucking toxic and unhinged as that is. She made

videos of it, talking to reading the receipts. It's it's so it's so good and so bad. I don't I'm glad that I wouldn't do that, But man, I like that that's out there, because what a way to show women like, fuck you, you are you the little pedestal making fun of me, judging me, and you think your life is perfect. That's what I want to do to all these people that ever comment about celebrities, including my

fucking self. Whenever I have an opinion about someone, I want to go, who the fuck do you think you are having any opinion about Olivia Wilde and Harry Style's relationship when you don't fucking know anything and you think you're perfect. No one is perfect enough to judge anyone, and this woman, man, you got to send that to me. That's good people post it on our story, but that is that's diabolical. Thank you guys so much for your fan taxes, great ones. Today, um we have one more

week of shows before I go on vocal rest. Um. Thank you for all your kind words this week when I was depressed, we got through it. Thank you to Andrew and Noah for putting up with me or accepting me as hell that um, I really appreciate it. You guys are the best, and love all the fans all um the best ties and I'm gonna be in Vegas, Um Vegas, that is how you say it tomorrow night at the Virgin Hotel scene. If you want to just do a last minute trip to Vegas, look at flights,

come see me, meet and greets afterwards. If you want to get a meet and greet, just um DM me all caps important and I'll see it and I'll give you free meet and great if you buy tickets to come see me in Vegas at the Virgin Hotel Theater with Benedict Pelosi and uh on your Marina. So that'll be tomorrow my last show before I become an alter ego. And if you have an ideas for my alter ego name,

please send it my way as well. Don't Peka and Virgin place and your voice will be new Virgin Place and poring from a Virgin place, born again