#245 Poignant Nifty

I am so excited to be on it again. I've you know, I did the show a few years ago when it first came out, and now it's turned into one of my favorite podcasts and I listened to it all the time, and so it's like very intimidating to go on this time. For some reason, I really want to do a good job. I really want to be funny, but I also want to like just laugh a lot

and be present. So that's my goal is to try to, like Yes, So I'll be in studio with Conan tomorrow and it's just gonna be so exciting to like be sitting down with Conan Agun even though I sat with him a lot, He's just still the funniest and I'm just become such a fan of the podcast in the time since I last saw him or was, you know, associated with the show, that it just feels different this time, and I really want to be good about like I feel sometimes when I'm on his show, I don't, I

don't have as much like I don't. I'm trying to be funny so hard that I don't listen to him be funny, and I can't be present because I'm just trying to keep up on my end, and I think this time, I just want to be really in the moment, just like laugh a lot, which is what I did on Theo's podcast the other day. Like I leaned more into not like pushing along conversation and just maybe like listening more and just like laughing and having a good

time and being more like relaxed and present. But it's hard because you, for some reason, more so than a host, as a guest, I feel more of a pressure to keep the conversation going because I guess I don't. I just don't want to ever have dead air or make the host feel like again it's back to what I said yesterday, Everything is my fault. So like if the audience is a bad audience, it's like it's probably something I'm doing, and I want to take the brunt of

the I feel like I'm just a control freak. But anyway, I'm I'm going in tomorrow. Just just really have fun, because that's the best podcast is when people are just having a really good time and you aren't nervous. But it's really hard for me to not get nervous sometimes when it's stuff like this. Yeah, I mean, I think the idea of like dead Air for like we listened to you know, you listen to like Sam Harris and we've talked about it before and the rhythm, but this

isn't a comedy podcast. It's comedy fast sure cracking me up the other day, Old Sammy Boy. I've been listening to him more. He really calms me that voice. Do you ever find that just well, I only listened to fifty minutes because I don't pay or sent into subscription because I'm lazy and I don't realize that I should just do that. But no, just all the latest ones, I don't know any take that any hot button issue, I kind of wait to hear him and then I go, okay, yeah,

I kind of agree with that. That's a way too. I know. I'm like before, I'm like, can you give it a week and a half and then Sam will come out and then I can tell you how informed I am. Yes, yes, I feel like he gives me a place to start from of like this guy is going to speak from an I feel like a highly empathetic spot and obviously an intellectual place, and then from there I can kind form my own opinion. But yes, I am like I wait for his opinion as well

on things. Um, but yeah, I just uh, I just don't you know how I feel about this In terms of even in stand up comedy, I hate pauses, I hate silences. I love a well placed silence for the sake of a joke, But I do not like people dawdling and taking their time and and acting like they're so chill when you're on stage and performing, or you have a microphone in front of you, why are you

acting like you're like about to get a massage. Like I understand like being relaxed in what you're doing, but this is still a performance, Like there should be some heightened um steaks to what you're doing. Like I think that a lot of times comfort is performative on stage and I can see right through it. And and that's and I will admit that I do not if I'm comfortable on stages because I'm either depressed or I don't care about the audience because I don't care about anything

and I'm depressed. Like if if I'm like leaning against the wall or like leaning on like leaning on the piano at the improv or like tracing the wall with my hand or like kind of like playing with the micros saying like oh so what else that is not that is not me like truly being comfortable. That's me

being depressed and like not caring. Um. And there's a difference like I just I hate I hate that, Like yeah, I just but that's me being also completely neurotic that like if there is a pause or if I do anything that is not entertaining or not moving the needle forward in terms of like, um, yeah, I don't know. If if I do anything that's self serving on stage as opposed to like trying to make people laugh, trying

to be entertaining, then I failed everyone. And then they can hate me, then they have reason they hate me. So I don't take risks in that way. But um, that's just how I feel about things. I saw Dana Carvey last night. I went to the Improv last night with I went to dinner with Spade and then we

went to the improv afterwards with Carl. Carlisle came to dinner and then we went to, uh, the Improv, and it was Spade and he was meeting Dana Carvey there too, and Dana is co hosting guest hosting Jimmy Kimmel this week. So he was like working on bits for the monologue and just different things, and he was doing a Joe Biden impression that was so fucking funny, and he kept saying doing Joe Biden, being like and yeah, we're gonna, we're gonna do it, and it's gonna be Pirates of

the Caravan. He just kept taking Pirates and I don't know why I was. I was laughing so fucking hard, but um, that was really fun. I saw Taylor Tomlinson last night. She was fucking hilarious. Uh, Spade was obviously crazy good. Um I didn't go up, which was like, I didn't even want to go up. I didn't even think to go up. I kept seeing people being like,

so you're going up, why are you here? And I'm just like, oh, I didn't even occur to me, like I really have no ego when it comes to like I need people to this audience needs to see me and know that I'm here. It felt refreshing for the first time to be like I don't It didn't even occur to me to go up, um, And that was like a new step in my career of like not needing constant attention and needing people to know like I'm

funny too. I want to go up and kill, Like I just got to watch Taylor kill, I got to watch Danna kill, I got to watch Spade kill. And then I was like, I'm ready to go to do karaoke with Ben Glee, Like I wasn't trying to get on stage, and I don't think I've ever not felt that way in my life. And it wasn't because I'm depressed and I don't want to go on stage. It was like I just I don't need to be working tonight. I can let these people work and it doesn't take

away anything from me. Um. It was an interesting feeling that I'm only now noting, noting, um noticing. I guess, yeah, that's a that's a big change. I mean, I wonder what caused that, you know, to feel that way, because is coming out your specials coming out this well I did four set the night before, so maybe it was. But it was a hot room, I mean, like and I wanted to like I could have gone on stage.

I had bits that I was like, man, that would kill Like I was kind of getting inspired watching all these greats go up and being like, man, I want to jump on this fucking it was just like watching a bunch of surfers catch really great waves, like perfect swells. Man, like this is And I was just like, no, I'm good, just like enjoying it and just like laughing. There was my ego wasn't allowed in it didn't pay the cover

charge to get in the room for some reason. I was just like, oh, I'm just here a suspectator and I just didn't care. And then I went to karaoke and that's when I really got to perform, and that was so fun. I'm saying Mr Jones and I saying, um, I me and Lizzie Cooperman died the Witches wrapped from into the Woods, which is a small part of a thirteen minute song. So we had to like find this small part, but uh, we couldn't think it. I mean

it was. It really brought the room down, but it was so nice because everyone was like, we don't care to try to find it, and they like, let us do it. Really fun karaoke is so fucking fun. The Witch's Room. So it's it's nothing but greens parsley. Well now it was YouTube, okay, so you search it yourself. It's one of those yeah, green greens and nothing but greens, parsley, peppers,

cabbages and celery, asparagus and water crest and fiddle. Letus, she said, all right, but it wasn't quite because I caught him in the autumn in my garden one night. He was robbing me, raping me, rooting through my rootter bag, or raiding by rugla, ripping up by rampion, my champion, my favorite. And I should have laid a spell on him right there, could have turned him into a toad or a stone or a chair. But I let him have the rampy and I was not step for return.

In return, however, I said, fair is fair. You should let me have the baby that's your wife will bear and we'll call it square. So me and Lizzie are just like wrapping this like dumb into the woods thing where everyone else was doing you know, ballads and everyone just had to like put up with. It was kind of fun. But everyone was so nice in game and no one made us feel bad. It was a great group. Craig Robinson was there, you know the office Craig. Yeah,

it was like five of us. And then Craig Robinson just showed up and was just like singing along, like, didn't even grab the mic. At one point he had to go back to them problem to do a set. We were in Korean town. Uh. He just popped in and then laughed like it was. It was so fun. It was so random. I hate to say it was random, but it really was. Um it was. And yeah, speaking of random quick, yeah, sorry, Nick, because you just reminded

me with Lizzie. So I was just like on YouTube the other day and he put out all these bonus clips of Welcome Home, Nicki Glazer. Yes, it's speaking of pirates. You're there's like a Lizzie with an eye batch, yes, and and and a little watch these extra clips. Um, yeah, So he is doing such a good job of like taking all the stuff that they shot that didn't make the show and they're putting them up on their YouTube. So go check out all these extras from the show.

And there's one where I go to lunch in l A with Lizzie and Esther, and I was so mad it didn't make the show because it was such a funny lunch. But little Esther Visky and me and Lizzie and Lizzie had like an eye infection, so she was wearing an ipack. Story. The whole thing was so hilarious. It was so Lizzy. I went to lunch with Lizzie yesterday. She's so funny. We were laughing so fucking hard about

so many things. We used to go to lunch every single day to the Mustard Seacap Seed Cafe on Hillhurst, literally every day. I lived here from two thousand. I mean I lived in l A from two thousand and six until two nine, and then I lived here again from two thousand, I think fifteen to two thousand eighteen, and every day from two thousand, I want to say, sixteen to eighteen, Lizzie and I would go to Mustard

Seed Cafe literally every day. And we went there yesterday and one of our old bus the guy that used to bust our table, is now a waiter, and he was so excited to see us, and it was like seven years later. I was just like, We're back. It was so cute. We had the most fun lunch. We were laughing so hard about so many things I can't even share on like we just it's it's interesting because Lizzie Cooperman is the type of friend and I have this friend and everywhere I go where it's like I

will see them every day of my life. Like if I live in l A, Lizzie and I are hanging out every day, we are best friends, inseparable. If I'm in New York, Anya and I see each other every fucking day, inseparable. And then when I'm not in those places, like I don't talk to my friends like those friends, like I can't. I'm not a good friend on the

road except with Anya. And I told Lizzie this because Lizzie, I think it's a little bit sad or has in the past that like I leave because We were best friends from two thousand and six two and then I moved to New York and we lost touch. We were still friends, but like every single day and then I don't know, there's something about me out of sight, out

of mind. It's not like they're out of mind, like I don't love them, but like it's hard for me to catch up on the phone except the only one I've been able to do it with consistently is Anya.

And the reason I think it is is because she makes a real effort to like reach out to me and lead me voice memos and and there also is and I don't think Lizzie ever makes me feel bad or something, but there's like if I don't get back to her, there's no hell to pay, you know, there's never going to be I haven't talked to you and so long where have you been? There's never any consequence for not getting back to her. And I think we

all need to extend that to our friends. Like if you are someone who guilts people for not getting back to you, you are contributing to them not getting back to you. Because when you when you are paralyzed about responding to someone or calling someone, part of the reason you don't get back to them is because you're feel guilty that you have to answer for the fact that you didn't get back to them, And so what pushes you from getting back to them is not wanting to

have to deal with that conversation. So then it just gets worse. So if you're someone who just forgives your friends and has a blank like I have this with a lot of friends of like even last night with Kyle dunnagain with David Spade, like I invited them to karaoke and they were like maybe, and even Carlile was like, oh, might go, And none of them ended up going. And Carlile at first was like, are you gonna be mad at me? And I was like, first of all, you

don't know me. Then if like you're not, if you're still scared, I'm gonna be mad at you for not going to this thing that like I kind of don't even want to go to, I'm not doing my job as your friend to let you know that you're safe and that I your Your friendship to me is not conditional on whether you go to things with me. Like I will never remember Amy Schumer, I'll never forget it, and I have extended it to all of my friends. Once said to me, Nikki, I will never ever get

mad at you for bailing on anything ever. You can bail at any time on anything ever, ever, ever you can, and I will never not be your friend. I will never be mad at you. And because Amy understands that when someone bails, it's not about her, even if it is about her, even if I'm like I don't want to hang out with Amy, Let's say it's not her,

she's just being her. If if if if my issue is like I don't want to hang out with Amy because she's being a bit to me, or you know, whatever the reason would be, it's my fault for not confronting that, and it's it's you know, you can't control how anyone is. And I'm just giving obviously, just a

example out of thin air. This isn't about anything specific, but I'm just saying, like, we need to extend that to our friends, because I think so many people don't realize that you push people away when you're judgmental, when you give them shit about not calling, like when just clean slated, Like I love my aunt Sally because she'll call and she'll write me and go like pick that your fucking poun or like please, like She'll just call me incessantly, And there is a fear that I have

of her giving me ship, But anytime I actually end up calling her, she never gives me ship about it. We just start talking and it's not like the whole discussion. So if you're one of these people who like to guilt people for not getting back to you, you've got to drop that because it's pushing people away. It's pushing people away. If you're so one who you know, I would extend this to any if you ever try to make people feel bad about what they're doing, you don't understand.

I know what you're doing is you're trying to discourage that behavior. And you think that making them feel bad or letting them know you hurt me and I'm mad

at you might discourage their behavior. I promise you it does the exact opposite and makes them do it again, Because when people don't get back to you, or people drink too much, or people are late for something, it's usually an addictive behavior that they're engaging in that makes them feel good in the moment, and we only do things that make us feel good in the moment when we're having anxiety, And why do you have anxiety when you think people are going to be mad at you?

So what do you search for the thing that makes you feel better? Which might be procrastinating, might be you know, not getting back to not calling a person, taking a nap instead. It might be drinking, it might be smoking weed. You're doing things to self soothe because you're feeling scared about the guilt you're gonna have for doing those things.

So people outside of your like everyone needs to lay off of people and stop shaming and stop trying to make people feel bad, because what you're doing is you're making those people do that thing even more. I guarantee it. So then how do you confront that? You just say what you do makes me okay. When you drink too much, it makes me feel really uncomfortable. And I understand that it's something you're doing not to hurt me, but it

does hurt me. So I'm gonna just need you to not if you want to drink, I don't want to be around it. And you can still drink, I'm just not going to be around it. Um you getting not not getting back to me? I take it personally for

some reason. Can we talk about why you don't get back to me so I can feel a little more safe in the fact that when you don't or you need to go work on yourself and not make everything about other people and what they're doing to you, And you need to go search out a program that realizes that no one can make you feel a certain way no matter what they're doing. You need to like yourself from things that make you feel bad. You can't help

if they make you feel bad. That's not your fault that someone not calling you back makes you feel bad, but you trying to make them feel bad about it is not ever the solution, ever, ever, Ever, it does not work when you make people feel bad about things and you try to get them to understand how much they fucked up. I promise you it never works and it will only lead them to do it more in the future, maybe not the near future, but eventually, because

shame is what makes people do bad things. It's all about shame, it's about feeling bad punishing yourself, and so it seems counterintuitive, but you've gotta you've gotta forgive people, or you've gotta just distance yourself from them. The best way to show someone that you're not having their behavior is to say, hey, I'm going to take a step back because this is upsetting me, not say you're upsetting me. Your behavior, for whatever reason, is triggering me and I

have to take a step back. Don't make it about them. You're a bad person and you make me feel so sad. You just go like, whatever is going on with you? I totally got it. Stuff goes on with me too, but for some reason, I can't handle this and I need to take a step back. That's the way to handle it instead of make trying to make them feel bad, because I do that too, where I try to, like I want people to feel bad for what they've done, shame um. And it just doesn't work, even though I

constantly go to it in certain circumstances. But it doesn't work. I know it doesn't work on me. When people are mad at me, man, I fucking hate them. I hate you when you're mad at me, I hate not you, like anyone who's mad at me, because whatever they're mad at me for, I'm I know I'm never trying to be a bad person and hurt you. So whatever you're mad at me for, it's something I can't help but do. And so I'm like, man, this person just like is

mad at me about something I couldn't help. They're not understanding, they don't love me. Then fuck them by and I like, and I want to do that behavior even more. And there's there's something to like, Okay, you're mad out of me, but then you don't trust me enough to talk to me about why you're mad at me. You're just you know what I mean. So then there's another I just want to punish me and send me to my room.

I've never been sent to my room by my parents and been like, I'm not going to do that thing again. If anything, I just go fuck them. I guess I'll try to not get caught next time I do that thing. But I'm absolutely like, this is so irrational what they're doing. They're punishing me in a way for a thing I didn't even mean to do. Even if it's like I got caught stealing, I didn't mean to do that. No

one wants to be a thief. Whatever compelled me to do it, something's obviously going on with me that isn't just me wanting to steal. But yeah, I tried to shame Taylor, but I'm not. I wasn't trying to shame Taylor and say you're a bad person. I said, I just don't want you to get caught. Can you please look at inside yourself and like not do that, like figure out why you're doing it and stop doing it. You're not a bad person. It's not about shaming anyone.

It's about I just don't want you to be in jail and have to, like, you know, you know, be in debt to lawyers because you gotta go to fucking work because you stole back and try that. All right, let's take a break and come back, and every rose is all right, We're back. Um, what do you like better? Soliloquy or monologue? Soliloquy? I feel like soliloquy is Shakespearean and monologue I mean, I guess there's the same thing.

There must be a difference. Oh my god, Lizzie and I discussed or Lizzie, I will say, discovered a new Mandela effect. Do you know the Mandela effect? It's where you think something and we talked about that way. Okay, so if you don't know, everyone, just google it and look it up and then come back to this, but I won't waste your time at leaning what it is because I suspect you to know. But if you don't know, google it and then so, uh, what do you think

the word fuck? What was the word? Um? What do you think the word point it means? Mm hmm poignant? You would think it's like, um, now what do you think? Not you you with one would think what do you think it is? What do I think poignant? Poignant? To me? I feel like it is like, um, meaningful, like here's the the truth, like poignant, like on topic, like this is what this is what it is? Okay, what do

you think it means? Noah? Maybe like sharp? Yeah that's kind of what yeah, like it's resonating more than something else, like wow that got through? Yeah yeah, like I think like sharp, like very clear. No, this is a Mandela effect. Everyone thinks says what point it means? Including myself? Poignant the I'm looking it up evoking a keen sense of sadness or regret? What what? What that is? What pointed means? It does mean that the whole time, the whole time,

Daniel wait time out. Yes, yes, the poignant response means a sad response. It means it's evoking a keen sense of sadness or regret. Mm hmm, wild right. He was very really through me. That point was, I don't know. I always feel like, yeah, I don't know. Nope, it does not mean what we all think it means. And it blew our fucking mind for a magnificent Oh that's

pretty nifty. Oh that's cool. That's a cool little like I learned that fact where you learn from one of those twitters, like I was thirty five years old when I've learned nifty yes, yes, yeah, last for I was, I was today years old. People say, yeah, I mean there's words you know, several has been jumping out a lot lately. Well, it's used so much and several times it's it's used several thousand times a day. And I

understand we we've already talked about this extensively. You are one of people, see what your mindset was about it, But it is so erroneous that no one actual I'm you're sad about it, You're evoking sadness. Well you know what that means, dude. I mean, I do know what's been going on in St. Louis. I mean, you know this weekend was fun. Played golf yesterday with another couple.

That it's funny when you were you with your girlfriend. Yeah, with Brenna and um a friend from her, you know, her and her friend just Ram rode in a cart behind us. Well, me and a new guy got together and we both were like going on different dates like like like it was fun though, like he was really cool. They were kind of like they were like bizarrow us. She works with the other girl, so so the guy is very there. They look very similar. They have similar personalities.

And then me and this guy, we could be the saint, like we're all within these dinner with different with another couple. We gotta see pictures of these people. I want to see what bizarro you looks like. So we had fun. I mean, you know, there were some white claws in the carts and uh, you know, it was just it was a silly time and it made me like, because I love golf, I love my girlfriend. I want to bring them together, but she hates golf. And so this

was a way I could get my man date. I could get you know, I could be in another man's arms. It worked out, Yeah, it worked out a lot. We had a lot of fun and then I smoked weed and I took one hit off this fucking electric pen. I was so fucking stone, like stupid stone, just like not that I haven't been that stone from especially from one hit. It was a big hit. But I did the pull with my shirt on, with my shirt on when I took it, and no, no, that was I

had my shirt on before it. So I hit it and literally Brenna smoked too, and we were just we would just be in the house. It's funny when you're both high and you're just we're eating random things. She's in the bedroom, I'm on the couch and we're just like always say to each other's like, I mean I'm high, and then the other friends like I'm high too, and then we just use like we're just like just like

three hours went by of nothing. That's the least favorite person to get high with for me is the person that keeps saying how high they are. I just can't take it. It's like mushrooms with something like when people do a new drug. I just like it's I know it's not could, but there's something about it that's could

to me. I'm like constantly saying you're high. When you're high, it's just like just be just be weird, which we were, yes, but I understand, just like remember it like you forget you're high, so every couple of seconds you'll remember it you are, and it strikes She was like, and it's it's an excuse for whatever weird behavior doing it was the first time, man, I'm high. Well it was funny because if you're first time, what of you and Brenna

being high together? Actually, yeah, in our relationship, first time we've ever smoked weed together. And we were we were stone at a point where everything was funny, like, everything was silly like, and uh, they were going to say goodbye to the other couple, and I mean Brenna were in our bedroom and we couldn't walk out together without laughing in the guy's face while saying goodbye. So it

felt like we were liked. And she stayed on the floor in the closet like you guys were all back at your apartment and you left them in the living room like for a second to just change. And then they were leaving and we went in the bedroom for a second. If the couple's placed that I was at, they went into the bedroom and just left us, I'd go, Yeah, this is probably our cue to leave to. These two are giggling about us in the next room, saying how

high they are? Yeah, you mean having a killer time. Yeah, it was funny, it was It was a fun day. That's so fun. Yeah, it's a silly day, just golf. The Worst Person in the World is a movie inside from when you look in the mirror. No, have you seen the movie The Worst Person in the World on a delay too? Because it's just like it hits me like five times. I'm sorry, that's such a fun have you Obviously you haven't seen it, you guys. It's on Hulu. It is. Looking at it right now. It is the

best movie I have ever. No, you can't give me the same joke. I knew you were going to do that too. I knew there's gonna be some way that you work it back in like it's novel poigne um. So wait, so what is it? Good? Dude? It is? First of all, the poster for it alone like just sucks you in, like pull it up. No, I just like look at the poster and tell me you don't think this is probably going to be your favorite movie ever. No,

I mean, I love, I love. I thought that. As soon as I saw the poster, I was like, oh my god, I'm gonna love this movie so freaking much. It's kind of like my poster for good clean filth. I love my posters so much for good clean filth. Like I've never seen anything I've done that I like more. And I hope it gets people. I think that for the first time, I have a poster that's going to

get people to watch the special, like the colors. The name, like I realized now, like the name and and all that stuff like matters so much, because I thought there's no way this movie could live up to the poster, because the poster is so good and just looks so up my alley, like even calling a thing the worst person in the world. It's a Norwegian film, and yes, yes, that's what I think. And it says at the top one of the quotes of one of the reviews says,

one of the best romantic films of recent times. I couldn't agree more. It was written by a man. There are tons of people saying, like, you know, there are tons of reviews saying it's not that good. It's like such a you know, it's from a man's perspective, She's one dimensional. She's zero dimensional. I don't think I have ever related to a on screen character more in my life, and I'm almost while watching it. I was offended that my friends who have seen it did not immediately write

me during it saying, Nikki, this is you. But I also think that every woman who watches it feels this way, feels like it is them, and so I don't think anyone thought of thinking of me for it because every woman is thinking like, this is so me, it's so good. It is about a girl. Like if if I saw a movie like Man with Small Dick, it smells like shit,

this movie is so you. Like the movie the title of it, they have to like the worst person in the world is right for them to say that it's I wouldn't take that as first of all, it's so because she the title is based off of like one of the characters in it thinking the worst person in the world because of something they do, and that is my Like I think recently, I've been doing a lot of work in therapy and like I just think I'm

constantly when people get mad at me. I was talking about it before, like when people get mad at me or try to shame me or get upset with me and I've disappointed them, Like I just go to right too, Okay, I'm the worst person in the world. Then fucking leave me, don't be friends with me anymore, don't stop working with me. Then I don't even want to work with you, Like why are you working with someone that you hate so much? Clearly because you just confronted me about this thing. Like

I go right to that. Like anything I do that someone gets mad about, I'm like, well then I'm then then obviously I'm a sociopath who only likes myself. If you're mad at me for this and you think that I purposely did this to hurt you, then fucking leave me. Then don't be friends anymore. Let's like like get out of my life. And I feel like that that really

resonate with me. But more than anything, this movie is about a girl who like who cannot, who doesn't know what she wants in life, and at one there's I'm not giving anything away, but she's like deciding on her like boyfriend really wants to have kids and she's like, so do I, but like not now, And he's like okay, so what needs to happen you're thirty? Like, what do you want to do? What do you want to get? What do you want to do before you have kids?

And she's like, I don't know? And that man that was one of the reviews says like why doesn't she know? Why? That that's how little this man understands women is that he couldn't even find an answer for what she doesn't. But I couldn't relate to anything more. I don't. I don't want kids yet. I might want them someday, I don't. I just am not ready for them yet. Why, Nikki, what do you want to do? What haven't you done yet that kids are holding you back from? I don't know.

I don't know why I want certain things and why I don't? Sometimes I change my mind within five minutes and I don't know why. And this girl constantly changes her mind. One second she's totally into this one thing, the next second she's into another thing. Then she changes this career like she and I think there's something wrong with me, Like I am so I change my mind so quickly, but it's not because I'm like lying when I say one thing and then the next day I

changed my mind the day before. I really did mean that thing. I've just changed my mind, and I think that some people can't understand people like me that do that, and I just I'm not consistent, and I'm not choosing to not be consistent because I'm like, yeah, I want to just lie to everyone. I really do feel one way one day and not one way the next day. Hourly it changes for me. An hour ago, I was

like so depressed. Right now not depressed, and have a much better outlook on life, having much different opinions about things. I don't understand why people can be how do people stay so consistent? And I get I get people get mad at me all the time because I change my mind about things. I change my opinion about things. You know, I could read an article today that makes me think this movie is totally terrible and it will open my

eyes to a thing I didn't see before. It's not like I it's not like I was lying when I liked it. I just didn't see the truth. And then something like people I think are not I'm up saying like, I don't have a problem with changing my mind. It's a little bit of the people pleaser in me that maybe I just like kind of glom onto other people's ideas, but I'm not doing it for some like nefarious purpose

of like I want this person to like me. It's like, I just feel like sometimes people are so stuck in their ways that they don't even I. I I like the fact that I can change my mind about things. I think that's a positive quality, but I feel like I get punished for it more often than not. Of like, I want to write a book. Okay, I started writing a book, and I fucking hate this process. I don't want to write a fucking book anymore. But you said

you wanted to. Yeah, but I changed my mind. I don't know what so I have to not write a book just because I said once before I wanted to write a book. I you know, even becoming a stand up comedian I show shows this career when I was eighteen years old. That is a pretty much a child. If I decide now that I don't want to do it anymore, even though I'm great at it, that that should be allowed. That shouldn't be like what are you doing?

Like you're crazy? Like people should be able to change their mind, even about romantic relationships, personal relationships, the way they like to dress, the way they like to sing. Like me and Aria didn't get into it the other day, But the thing we really connected with about the other day is that she's struggling Aria, who's transgendered of female, transgendered woman. She is struggling that when she first learned

to sing, she's a choired director. She was she was identified as a gay man, and so her voice was like a lower register and that was her voice and she perfected it because she like sang for years and years with that voice. But she now that she is a woman, she is like, I don't really I don't want to sing like that anymore. I want to sing in a higher register. But she feels my life just

went up. She feels like a fraud. She feels like when people hear her put on this new voice that she is, that everyone's gonna I was like, what's your biggest fear? I was like, is your biggest fear that someone you work with is going to talk about you on the way home and be like, I don't know. A choire bright to was good, but Aria's like trying this new voice and it's just like so sad and desperate. Like,

that's my biggest fear is that too? Like saying in the way like that might sound a little bit affected, like we're also scared of I'm scared of like even you know, like you getting a mustache, You're like, that's like you trying, you know, like you try. You're trying a new look, You're trying to look cool in a new way. And there's something inherently embarrassing about that. Why why do we all get embarrassed when we're trying to

be something different than what comes naturally. Let's say, well, I guess part of it is that I'll I I I judge things, so it's like if I'm judging it, then someone else must be judging it too, and could be huh. It starts with one thing. When you judge others, it's always gonna come from you and not them. Of course, you project what other people are going to say about you. And the only reason you would ever think other people are could say that about you because yeah, yeah, yeah.

But here's the thing. Even if I think about someone else, it never really affects my way of how I or at least I try not to of how I see them or how I like if I I think they're a try hard or they're trying to do something different, like yeah, I could call it out. It does affect the way you see them. I know it does. We we talked so much about people who are trying to be and like it makes us like kind of hate them a little bit. It doesn't. I think, Yes, I think it's a I think it's a I know, but

I think I can. I My point is if it's hopefully I can differentiate someone that just has a mustache for just reasons of like, oh, they're just enjoying his look. It's kind of silly as opposed to someone being like I think I'm saying no, Like, if I'm being hard on myself about something, is it deserving of being hard on myself for like, you know that I'm trying trying

to How do I put this? I understand even when I mean, I've even said it when people are trying to because it's just like you can still just be like they're just sad, like they're just trying to get love, Like there's nothing wrong with them. There's what's wrong is ascribing like they're a bad person or like they're so lame or there's something wrong with them for doing that. Really,

they're just trying their best. And that's how I feel about other people when like, but usually I get jealous of anyone who, like I make fun of HALLI these voice and I make fun of you know, anyone who tries like a new look, I'll make fun of them

because to me, it convinces me. Then I'm I'm reinforcing why I don't try new things, because I'm really actually just jealous that they're able to try something that's kind of scary to me, to like try an affected voice or like lean into Like last night, I was having to perform karaoke in front of a bunch of people I didn't know, and everyone just like stands and like

sits and watches you out of respect. And a lot of these people are like, you know, these girls that are like professionally trained have like amazing American idol voices, And I was I got there and I was like, oh fuck, And I was like, you know what, Like all I have to do is just have fun as long as I'm just doing what I want to do and I'm not doing it for anyone else, Like I'm just so if I want to make my voice sound a certain way. It doesn't have to be about like.

It doesn't have to I'm my biggest fears that people think that I'm trying to get attention or that I'm trying to look cool, when really a lot of times it might look like I'm trying to look cool. Like I was talking to these guys last Ben Gleeb and Jeffrey Baldinger. He this comic. Jeffrey drove us back home and each to our that he drove us back to my hotel and we were talking about like, uh, like I was talking about how like I would like to do porn someday, but I can't because I just don't

want to be sexualized. I don't want to do meet and greets and have like men being like you like getting boners, it like really makes me feel unsafe. But I would like to do porn because I like the idea of I don't know, being an entertaining I like the idea of like, I wouldn't mind guys getting turned on by me in the privacy of their own bedrooms, but I don't want to like see it. I don't want to be confronted with it. So if I ever

did porn. I would want to do it like with a mask on so no one would know it was me. But at the same time, I would like to also make millions of dollars from doing it, because no one has ever done porn that at the height of their career.

No one's just like gone and been like I'm not a porn star, but I'm just gonna be one when when you know, it's usually happens when there's like a downfall, right, So like, I can make millions of dollars doing one porn if I put a paywall over it for like twenty bucks, the way Louis c k does for a special If I shot one porn, I could make literally millions of dollars in one night and retire. I really could,

like I I know that I could. I would be completely giving up my entire career to do that, because no one works with you. After you've done porn. You can't go back. They won't let you back in um. But I was talking about this and and Ben was like, well, then I don't have to. I don't know judgment, but why do you dress like you dress very sexy on stage?

Like I look at your pictures and like you you really lean into like you look very titillating on pictures on stage, and I'm like, that's not me trying to be sexy. That actually just happens to be the way I want to dress. I like I have, I have, I like pictures of women. I like style that makes you look sexy. It's not because I like it because men I want to make men horny. I just that's the way I want to dress. It just so happens to be the same style of dress that men would

like to see from me as well. But it doesn't mean I'm doing it for them. I really am doing it for me. So you can do something that is making you look cooler but is truly just for you and is not really about wanting to look cool to someone else. But oftentimes it can be a little bit of both. So you can want to have a mustache because you want people to think you look cool, but you can also do it because you want to have

a fucking mustache. And I can wear a skirt because I want people to go, wow, she's got nice legs, but I also just think it looks good because I do have nice legs. I can't both be true and does that make me a bad person If I want to make people get people to like me in some way that is um a little bit shallow. I don't know, No, I just think like getting someone getting a male fan to like you without wanting to fuck you while looking good.

It's just such a blended thing to like try to get a result without getting the other thing, you know what I mean. Yeah, I don't want male comic fans to be horning for me. I really, that is not part of it. I'd really truly dressed on stage the way I want to because I like the way to relive addresses. I like the way Taylor Swift dresses. I

want to be a pop star. It's for me. The fact that they're horning for it is just that's not under my control and I don't care, and I don't actually care if they're just and eventually, yeah, they might be horny the first four minutes I'm on stage, but after a while they have to maybe get over it and start listening, and I feel like they do, so I just I'm not ever going to not wear what I want to wear because I'm scared about turning on a guy that is not in my interest. It is

what they did in my middle school. They said we couldn't wear tanked outs because we were distracting the boys. It was our fault. The boys were suffering, their grades were suffering, and we have to change the way we dress. Go fuck yourself, you get over it. You adapt to seeing our arms. You little premature like you fucking little prepubescent boys like that was one Oh yeah it's your we do that show. That was essentially yeah, I want to make money. What I'm saying, Yeah, I really could

make millions of dollars. What do you guys think I could make if I put a pay wall of twenty tw dollars to download something that, yes, people will torrent it and share it online, but to get like the real version twenty bucks if I didn't only fans and there's just one video. If what's her name, Bella Thorne made like fifty two million dollars, how much could I make for one gang bang video? Because it's really unprecedented.

Tell me one other person who has never done porn and who has achieved a level of success that I have achieved without doing porn, without really doing anything sexual, and then all of a sudden goes into porn one time. It's unprecedented that happens when your career has like hit a slump. What Pama, Tommy, that was against her will? That was not a leak is a different thing a leak. Pretend that was not that was a leak as well. She did not want a leaks. Yeah, no, I'm just

trying to think. I'm trying to think of a leak you can make if you've tenants elite. No, I'm not, but I'm not a liar, so I wouldn't do that. I'm talking about I put out a porn and advertise it as I have a porn. I'm doing one time only and I'm never going back to it. But would be really funny, you know, be really funny if you get it. Tell us what's gonna be funny after we get back from break? Tell us what's gonna be funny? Okay,

say that's awesome, Alright, we're back. What's really funny? Uh farts? You're right they are. There's a great part moment and the best the worst person in the world. You guys got to see it. Please please please, I'll watch it tonight. I really Hulu's for the subscription. Oh and also f Boy Island Uh, It's premiers tomorrow Wednesday tonight at midnight.

F Boy Island HBO Max. Your last special you put out, you just do it, you self promote it, you self do it, and you put out a porn too, And that's the you compete against yourself if you make more money and standing up or in the porn more. I'm not kid you. I if I put out a point, I'm not kidding you. I could make I think three million. I would say ten million dollars overnight. I really do think that. I I think more like and that that's just like the first week, I would make ten million.

I think that no one. Maybe I'd waited another year till I get a little bit more famous and I give little less ships. But I love porn. I watch enough of it that I think that I could do a really good video. My only problem is I don't want people being sexual with me in person. I'm really uncomfortable with that, and so I don't think I could ever do it. I know, but I don't want to spend all my money on that, Like, what's the point of doing it? Then then there goes my ten grand

or what is the number where you would do it? Like? What is the number? Like? So these a pro I don't think there is a number. I don't think there's a number because I I really don't think there is one, because I think my life would be because million union. Honestly, no, I don't. I'm talking a billion dollars you could. I don't think I could do it. But this is something you want to do, so you just want to do

it in a vacuum. I get what you're saying. I want to do it, but I cannot do it because it would I would never be able to go on the Tonight Show again. I would never be able to work in Dayton, Ohio again because I had done porn. I would my family would never look at me the same way again. My boyfriend's family would never look like.

There's a stigma attached to it which should not be attached to it because everyone fucking watches porn and it's like this huge thing in our society that no one talks about doing even though everyone watches it, and not everyone but most people. Um, but I wouldn't do it because we just and I think that in with the way things are going with Roe v Wade. I honestly think that you could be uh persecuted, prosecuted and persecuted or doing in the next cup years with the legislation

is going to like punish women for being worse. And so I think that I I would risk jail time in a in a world where if China takes over or something, I don't know, like I do think that there would be consequences not just social but actually like legal to me doing porn. And that's I think the world with only fans nowadays, Like that's I think, well, if you took out the Roverse Wade thing, obviously that just happened, but before that, I feel like people are

way more open sexually. And I think, I honestly think if you put out a porn I'm not just sucking around you would you could still do? I think of what you're already doing. I really think you co. It would make me so sad to be barred from fift of the things that I want to do, Like it makes me so mad that that girl that was on brit Chrystis Tour couldn't work at that one Dayton club or Dayton Theater, and and that really that happened. I didn't know that. What's that story? Oh, yeah, she we were.

She told me that on Bert Chryser's tour, they did Dayton and she is a DJ. Now she's retired from porn. But because she's done porn in the past and they googled her, they refused to let her perform, like the theater the theater. That theater refused to let her perform, which who knows is that? Yeah, you you want to do porn obviously, but like the reason why you can't do it is because of it's the things that you can't control, Like you can't control how your family responds

to it. You can't control how people will respond to it, how the industry, like the entertainment industry responds to it. But it's not the point itself that No, No, I love it. I respect porn stars, I love them. I just everyone had my mentality about porn stars. I would do it in the second because I do not sexualize them. I'm not like they're bad people. They're worse than us. They're sad, they have daddy issues, they're drug addicts. Yes, there's a lot of that in porn, but there's a

lot of that and actor as and actresses too. But I even saying that I would do porn my parents. I said that on my reality show and my parents were like, you need to tell E to take that out. We don't even want you saying that you would do porn. That's too embarrassing and that can come back to haunt you. Like seriously, this this is stigmatizing. Even saying I want to do porn and that I would like to do it is is kind of a risk. And I'm not joking. It is like there's a part of me that's like

do I Yeah, we just change it the corn. I just want to corn. I want corn. I just want corn corn. I want to be in the bad corn. Yeah, it depends on what you want from your career. I just really feel that, like you're you're a comic that's a dirty comic. You do a lot of things on your own without the industry, Like you couldn't put on you could you could sell out an audience on your own.

You I just I think you would maybe lose out on maybe doing like an NBC show, maybe be but I don't know, Like, here's a liberated woman does porn on top of her career. I honestly think you might get rewarded more than you even think I would lose. I would get blacklisted from there. There there is no You don't think Conan would have you on his podcast if he did a porn if you're still being a comic,

not if it's one thing. If you're like, well, I'm a porn star now, funk everything else, Conan Wood, Conan Wood, Bill Maher would um. I don't think I could guest host Jimmy Kimmel. I don't think that I could be on The Talk. I don't think I could be on the View. I don't think I could be on the Today Show. I don't think And I also it's it's not so. I don't think i'll I could be auditioned for movies. I don't think I could be on an ABC sitcom and an NBC sitcom. I don't think that.

And I also think that everyone would think I was doing it because I want to be sexy, and so everyone would be kind of like judgmental and think I'm like, uh like, and and I would get slut shamed by the entire world. I feel like, what fun you? Yeah, but I'm not. I'm not. That's why myer porn stars they don't give a funk what people think because they are subject to But a lot of them don't have

an option. You have an option. It's almost even a bigger funk you that you actually have a career and that you have an option to be a stand up comedian. A lot of them, a lot of porn stars can't go out and still get people saying, Nikki, you're a comedian stuff trying to be hot on stage when I wear like short skirts. Can you imagine what they'd say if I tried to do porn. That's what I'm saying. That's why it's an even bigger that's my point. But

I'm not strong enough to handle that. No, I couldn't. I couldn't. Yeah, I mean I could barely have a mustache for a week. Yeah, I couldn't handle it. And I also my biggest thing is like I would not want men. I wouldn't want to see men who had liked But here's the thing. Men already are like that with you know, like like men have imaginations like men.

But the level of disgust that people that that how they talk treat women who have they've seen fuck on camera is different than hearing a woman talk about sucking. Like I get a lot of it because I am pornographic in my material, but I don't think we even understand how much women in porn get that thrown at them. I saw porn last night that I can't I really think that porn is ruined for me. Now. I'm not even joking you. I saw something that was so oh my god. So the porn end okay, and I never

watched the end. I never watched, like, but for some reason, they like show the clean up. She's like washing off her makeup. She's just got a bunch of come on her face. She's wiping it off, and the guys are all like, you did so great, and the cameraman's like, how was that for you? And she's like it was good,

it was good. I'm good. And she's just like wiping off her face and kind of like wanting to get out of there, and the guys are all like, we fucking killed that, Like she was amazing, and they just like are like talking like they're kind of just like all trying to be comics. Essentially, they're trying to be funny and just like you know, off the cuff and the one of the guys goes, man, I was, I was surprised. I didn't know that was going to be

a d P. And she goes, I didn't either. It wasn't supposed to be, and I cannot believe they aired it. She goes she's wiping off a fraish. She goes, it wasn't supposed to be. I didn't know it was either, and that just solidified it for me. I know for a fact in porn that these girls they sign up for something and then things start to happen during the filming that they did not sign up for that wasn't part of their contract. But they just want to be amenable.

They don't want to be the girl that stops down production and everyone has to stop and they have to call in an HR person and it was just the saddest thing. I bookedmarked it because I really want an investigation. I feel like this girl could sue for what she went through because she goes, it wasn't part of the shoot and all of a sudden she is being double

penetrated when she didn't think that was gonna happen. Dude, I'll send it because like, why would they keep it in because they're stupid, Because they're stupid, and because she ultimately says it was fun, you know, that doesn't matter, you know, but but people could use that against and say, well, then you said you had fun. That doesn't mean anything, Like I don't care. Like if if I'm if I'm booked to work a gig and apposed to do twenty minutes and I end up doing an hour because they're like,

will you please do an hour? And I do the hour just to be nice. That doesn't mean that I like And even if I have fun that hour of comedy, it doesn't mean that I shouldn't be paid for that extra work. And she even jokes I should get paid more, and they just laugh it off. So I honestly want to like report this video. I'm so fucking mad about it. Final thought, let's do some Reddit dumps, shall we? Andrew your mouth sounds? This is your real dum. I forgot

my gatorad. Okay, So this is a red it um subreddit called shitty life pro tips, because there's a subreddit called life pro tips that's just like actually helpful things, and this one is just like bad life advice that seems like it would be good. And this one really made me laugh. It said, shitty life pro tip if you're going out into the desert, make sure to take sand paper with you. If you get lost, the sand paper will function as a map and you can find

your way. That's funny, like the sand paper a tiny map of the sand. Okay, this is from thanks, I hate it. T H I H t H T I H I thanks, I hate it. It's just things that are like make you go. And this says this is a tweet from a guy named Ui Bullocks. When I was a kid, I thought the long vampire fangs were hollow and had holes in the end and they drank blood through them like straws. And then every single comment in this reddit is so did I Everyone thought that? Right, usho,

no sharp teeth. I I did think that. I did think. I don't think they bite it and then drink it, you know, right, and like, but that's what they do. They bite it, then they go and they suck it. But I always just thought it was straws because they kind of come down like straws, right yeah, and injecting it right into your gums seems more desirable than drinking blood for some reason, like it just seems easier. Yeah, Like but the fact that teeth or straws is really disgusting.

But I think that's like what snake venom comes out up there, almost like I could eat. Okay. This is from a subreddit me I r L and it's from It's a tweet from Bobby Condon and says, whenever I see an iPad at a cash register, I know that I'm about to tip for something I never had to tip for before. Yeah, it's so hard to tip on those things. I always, I always, just I always do. I think recent one time I didn't recently because I was just like funk this, But generally I just do it.

It's so dramatic when they take the iPad and niggly spinning around they sp It's like a whole performance and then you can't go no tip and then go and then bring it back to Yeah, they're almost like those guys with those spinning signs out on the sidewalk, what are you not going to honk? Last night Spade was talking about he was buying something and it was like four nine two and they were like, do you want to round up for Ukraine and he goes, no, he do a bit about because he goes, why where does

it really go? Like what are we talking about? And Spade is so generous when it comes to charity stuff. He's done and he's not public about it, but he uh, but I will be on his behalf. But he was like and he's like everyone in line is like David Spade doesn't round up for Ukraine And it was just like this, it was such a funny bit. But he goes, what does it go to? And it really is attacks right off for those places, like, yes, I'm sure it does go to Ukraine, but really, no companies are ever

doing anything actually good. No corporations are ever doing anything that doesn't serve their bottom line. Don't ever think they are. If they're ever doing anything for charity, it is either for marketing purposes or for attacks right off. They don't actually care about anything. Major corporation. It's funny when they ask and it's like to two oh eight and they want you to round up. It's like, you want me to round up. That's not a round up, you know

what I mean? Like that's a very high Yeah, that's a big round that's funnier that it's eight cents actually that he decided not to Yeah, that's even funnier. Is like noights won't round up for Ukraine. It's just so funny too. Then make that a thing. So uh, this is from ask credit. Is your just questions that people pose with interesting answers? What's something you're acent that most people are lying about? And someone said crop yields. This is the number one up voted thing nine crop yields.

It's expected that this is a farmer that's writing this. It's expected that every farmer you talked to will lie about how well their crops did. When you meet an honest one who tells you they're actual yields, it's a really awkward conversation because you're taken back by the fact that you don't have to apply the bullshit factor to figure out what his yields really were. Um, I wouldn't

know that. That's pretty interesting. Um uh. Someone said the dentists asking how often do you floss me avoiding one contact? I think it was a week ago. Um. How much their side hustle nests them, nets them, people lie about them out of money they make on their slide hustle. Um, someone said they lie about any plans for the weekend. Um, people's really answer, I'm going to get baked, jerk off, then sit in the shower and think about what sort of person I am, what fucked me up, and what

I can do about it going forward. And instead you say, oh, you know, probably just relax is the same thing. Yeah, um said as a prior prior U S. Service member, I believe I've met every single Navy seal that's ever existed, and then an extra five hundred or so plus everyone that thought about going into the military. Um. So once it's steroid abuse in the fitness industry. Um, what's something you think everyone lies about? Hm? How many I think guys?

How many sexual sexual partners? Both? Really? I think people lie about their height. Men lie about their height. Obviously they always round up on two. Um. I'm trying to think of something I chronically lie about, and I would say it's maybe the amount of sleep I got. Like I always think I air on the side of maybe a half hour. I give I take off a half hour to make it sound worse, but I don't even I at least try to not lie about that. I lie about how long I'm going to go through the

golfing range? Just a little lie, but you know how long it is, and you know that you're lying, or you just think that you actually won't go that much, because that's a different thing. It's not like it's like usually the difference between a half hour. So it's like if I was going to go for an hour, I don't know. An hour sounds less than an hour in five minutes, you know what I mean? Yes, I'll be gone an hour actually because I'm gonna get another buck get You know what I think? I lie about two

seconds when I say it'll be two seconds. It's literally never been two seconds. It takes me two seconds to say it will be two seconds. So that is a chronic lie. Well, guy coming in two seconds, it's never it's sucking at least six seconds that people to pick their nose. People lie about that. Someone said you must pick their nose? How the fund do you get it out? You blow your nose into a tissue every time? Who are you, Brenna? Call me picking my nose for the

first really? Yeah? And it was, yeah, it's tough. I don't know why how did she did? She never looked at you. Every time I look at you, you're digging at something in your face, no offense. I didn't even know picking your nose. I I pick it all the time. I am almost You don't really get in there, Oh yes I do. Yeah, if you haven't seen me pick my nose, you ain't paying attention because I pick my nose all the time, like there's always something up there. Oh yeah, I know. You did the thumb a lot.

Yeah you do. It's wrong with that. Why aren't we so ashamed of what? And boogers really are just like dust. It's not anything that I mean, it's it's not too but it's like it's not that gross. But I mean I was digging. I guess how far you dig? You know, I don't know why that matters. I don't know why any of it matters. Yeah, no, it shouldn't. But she was in the showers. It was like one of those where you've lost your you've lost your whole train of thought,

like you've just become an animal right right where. Oh man, you're just like there's no one inside anymore. You're actually trying to dig that person out. There ain't anyone in there, all right, guys, thank you for loving the show. We gotta go. We will be back tomorrow Wednesday. I hope you have such a good Tuesday. And uh please don't be care and Jiacky Mason, the fact that you're in St. Louis and it's on a delay makes it almost seem

like we've done that at the same time. But I definitely know that not to be true.