#228 Nikki “Side Stage” Glaser

People really like, I think I could murder someone and while I'm doing it, say it's my birthday and they go, oh, okay, well it's my death day. Can I still get the gift or do I? Yeah? I mean, at one point, do you kill a guy and still asked for your gift? You know what I mean? Like, can you ask for the gift from the person? Know the gift is that you get to kill them? Oh? Yeah, okay, that's a gift to the I don't have to deal with this person naymore in my life now? Is that a gift

that keeps giving because they're dead? Um? Yes, yes, it's like a subscription box. Um. Yeah, it's my birthday, and I I'm going to skip my birthday next year, and then then I'm forty the following year. So I feel like it will be if I skip it next year, then it'll feel because everyone's gonna make a big deal about forty. I will have to make a big deal out of it, So I feel like it'll maybe feel a little bit more deserved because it's been Oh it's been two years since I had one. Now are you

going to skip it? Just going to like, no, no, No one's allowed to give me presents. Texts are the most that can be can happen. There will be no party, There will be um, no calls, no um just no. And everyone in my life will know that. Like if you text me, I might just like thumbs up it, but there's gonna be no. It's just I know I sound like an ingrade, but writing back to I woke up at eight thirty this morning to nineteen texts, which is so nice that people took that time out of

their day to do that. But I have to write back to every single one or else I'm a bit and I know that's like, oh, poor Niki. Everyone loves you, like some people get no one remembering their birthday and I'm sure, like you would kill for one of my nineteen people, but would you kill for nineteen? And then after that it's nineteen people on the half hour every half hour, as the news spreads throughout Facebook and an Instagram and you know someone heard it on the radio.

This morning, I was listed in the celebrity birthdays, which is nice to be like included in those little like press releases that go out, but um, you know, it's just nice. People just want to celebrate you and just be like you're you know sometimes when you get a text and you just want to thumb it up because you know you can't answer all of them and it's like a third cousin or something, and but you gotta be like, oh, thank you so much. Diana means so much.

And then they go, it's how you've been I've been good. And then they go like the shows looks, oh, I just watched the show. It's great. Wow, you're still doing comedy. And then it's like messages later and you're like, is

it my birthday? This feels? I know? My aunt Sally keeps calling me over and over like a creditor, like a spam call because I don't have an answering machine right now, and she started, so she just she just calls over and over waiting for this answering machine to eventually show up, and it's not going to and I have to call, like, that's what I'm gonna do to our answering thing for phan form. My god, that would

be so funny. That's a really good solution. She that's what I should do because I feel so indulgent on my birthday and I feel like all these people are just giving me energy and that I just I just don't want people to like go out of their way for me. I just feel so embarrassed of it. I just I just hate it. I just really I'm uncomfortable with it. And I know it just doesn't make sense because I have a TV show and a podcast with my name on it, and I'm someone who loves attention.

That I hate birthday, I really do, and maybe I love it. Maybe I'm I hate that I love it so much you love that you hate it, like you love this feeling of being no, because I'm embarrassed to even talk about hating it, because I sound like such a bit to hate it, like that is I really hate hating my birthday. I wish I love my birthday. That is something because no one, really everyone wants me to love my birthday. Everyone's like no one is being you know, like I'm comfortable with you hating it. I

don't know why. Maybe because I don't want you to be happy. No, no, no, but it's so funny, like I'm so completely comfortable with like you having a subpar birthday, and yeah, I just I just don't. This is the way that Ali Long was talking about her wedding ones and she was like, I don't need to have a wedding. Every day is my wedding. I'm a comedian. I go on stage and everyone collapse when I walk out, Like I don't divorce makes sense? Yeah, well it doesn't. I

just don't need this attention. I love birthday so much as a kid that I made every day. You have a birthday every day. Yes, that's that's why this feels. It's embarrassed. There was just Nicky Glazer Day at fucking the Cardinals Stadium that was beyond humiliating to me because it was something that it looks like I asked for. Yeah, I was like a make a wish when like, but unfortunately you didn't get to die and I can't. But it's but what an ingrade I am to be like,

I don't want this. This is embarrassing because people worked really hard to make that happen, and people work really hard on their birthday gives. People go out and they they buy a card, they get a gift, they write you a long text message, they call you, they remember to call you, and it makes them feel good. So who am I to rob them of that? Well, it's funny buy to get you a gift because I know all these things about your brain and how you feel about your birthday. So I'm like, I don't want to

do anything. Start sift card always thank you, thank you, and ever and the car and I will spend it on you. Thank you. That literally is the best. It's easy to buy, Yeah, it is. It doesn't have a lot of waste attached to it. It doesn't take up a lot of space. Yes, there's not a lot of trash. I think I think it like my card. I think I nailed it with it, says Nikki side side stage Glazer.

Which did you ever know that I wanted? I was thinking about yesterday about our podcast, and I was like, that would be so funny if my new nickname was side stage. I'm not even joking you. I thought that yesterday. Well there you go. How did you do that? I my brain, I'm telling you crossing King's Highway? And I literally was like, that was so funny. That what if? Because it is funny to brag that you were side stage anywhere, and it's just you know, the oiteration side stage.

So please can that be my new lot of your relatives? You know? Is that a I mean, well, it's not not true. I like this guy. Okay, there's an our wall and it says happy birthday and it's almost like his So the nar walls uh tusk is a flagpole and on he's coming out of the water, and on the end of his tusk there is a little streamer that says happy birthday, almost like you know, an airplane pulling.

That's a very cute card. I love walls whales um to Nikki from Mice, which is Andrew's nickname, umbus, I mean it's the best ever. Can I read us? Nikki? To quote Wilco, just climb aboard the tracks of a Train's arm makes you think that's from that's from. That side wasn't the right side to write on? Okay, so he so in this card there is a like almost like gelatinous like um substance on one side that is to look like waves, and it's really hard to write off.

So he picked the wrong side. So as soon as got hard to write on, he said that side wasn't the right side to write on. The ink was showing, wasn't showing? Well, not the best start to a card when you have to shift pages. Probably should have started on this side. Had a thought to drive back to CVS to buy a new card and do better. At the second time around, I realized I haven't written with a pen in a while. Not looking You're an amazing friend.

Thanks for being a person I admire and learned from Daily Love Andrew slash Mice, Well, that's so nice, and I love I love the talking through your process for most of the card. Like I see this much print and I go, oh my god, there's gonna be a lot of feelings. I can't handle this. I like that you got the feelings too, about a fourth of the page, which is all the feelings I need. I can't. This is such a perfect gift. You know. It's so funny too.

You're welcome, and I have one other thing coming tomorrow, but it's just like a whole band and like a carnival and a parade. But it's just simple. I'm gonna be the saddest old woman when all my friends die and I have no one, and I'm going to be like, we're back back on these days of like remember when I complained about nineteen texts before thirty four in the morning. Well, it's so funny. I got I got you a card

and it was like, uh, it's never too old. And then and then you open it and it's like a three D one the ones that pop out. It's this old woman shaking her ass and it shakes like to shake your ass. And I was gonna get you that, but then I was like, no, it's not you. I like getting like those jokey cards that are like supposed to be funny, but ironically, because they're so dumb, they're not funny. But yeah, you made the right choice. I love the fact that you had to give up on

one side of the page. It was perfect. Um. I kept trying to rewrite over it you ever like has a pen run out, and then you realize it's not the pen. It's not the pen, it's the wave. It's the normwall's environment leaking over into the center of a card. I was good, but it told me another hour and anyhow, it's you know you're gonna have like you don't have to, I don't have to cheer. Yeah, but I think tonight we'll be fun. You don't karaoke, Yes, you'll get to

sing out anything. Yeah, that's true for a group of people who over there feel crows feet. That's a good nickname too, um so close one letter off gosh. But no, you're gonna sing. We're gonna have fun, even if it sucks, It'll be fun. No, it'll be so fun, just kting karaoke. Still having a bad day today, to be honest with everyone, I told Andrew and know about it already. But I just like already have had just an emotional day and

I just just you know, feeling um p mss. I already said yesterday I was like having all the body aches and then like I I do know p MS is not an excuse. I think a lot of women like maybe feel bad using it. As an excuse, but it really is a thing you go through that makes you just emotionally irrational and weakened. And my old therapist, my UM dr abusive, my abusive dr, my abusive therapist, UM, she used to say that PMS just is. When I would be like, I'm just be abessing, she'd be like, no,

I mean, these are real feelings. They're just they You have no defenses for them. They're just coming out the walls, the moat around the wall around your fortress is is is penetrable right now, and so like you, the feelings that you're having are real, and they might seem like because for me, I just bottle up all my feelings all the time, and then I end up crying over the dumb like the smallest thing that seems like like insane, And then people look at each other like, what the

funk is happening? This girl's crazy, Like I just can't get over the feeling of like every time I cry, I just feel so crazy, I feel so insane, and I feel like everyone around me is just like doesn't know what to do, wants to run for the fire exits they have to say because I'm crying, like it just is so embarrassing. Do you think um as a woman that like when you have PMS, it almost gives not I don't like the word excuse, but it like

allows you to let your guard down. Or is it so like just wired in your brain that that's when it happens. I usually don't know, you know what I mean, like like is it no because you don't really know you're having it until later on and then you go, oh, that's what that was. I know that I'm having it right now, and it's not like giving me an excuse. I mean maybe subconsciously a little bit. It's like, Okay, I I know I have this thing in my back pocket and it's a it's a tampon. But the tampon

is there because I might start bleeding any second. But I have this thing that you know, when I told my boyfriend I'm p M s NG, like he he was like today he was like, I never even consider that being a thing, Like I just thought that was the thing that's in like Kathy cartoons or like sitcoms. Like I just always thought that was a thing that you know, television amped up or like sitcoms made like as a thing, Like I never consider if you're acting a certain way that she might be on her period.

Like he's just always thought that was a misogynist kind of approach to it. And I was like, I would have agreed with you, because I did not suffer from PMS like this in my early thirties, even and even my mid third. Like I'm thirty eight today and it's like periods are getting more and more treacherous. I think it's because it's like this is the last Like yeah, like it's just I think, and I when I went to go to UM I think I told this on

the podcast. When I went to go check out Diva cups, you know, and they and I had no idea why the sizes were different, why there was a one or two, Like what's the difference between these two? And one was bigger and one the one that was bigger was for women who are over thirty and more attitude. Yeah, just to hold all of your feelings and it's some tissues if you want to keep an extra supply up in your pusk because you're gonna be crying so much. But

I didn't know. I didn't know that women's periods get heavier after thirty. I didn't fucking know that? Who when? Did when? What was that? Where was that? In sect said? I didn't know that pm d D was a thing where you literally want to kill yourself, like you have suicidal thoughts and you're you're seriously got the name that? Remember that they had one? Really, I'm gonna play it because I think you noticed song. But anyways, go ahead, PMP.

What did that stand for? Pre menstrual? Uh? It's not depressive. You think it's going to be depressive, but it's something else, um disastrous uh uh uh dites so it's dieph. It just feels like, yeah, it feels like it feels like the worst depression I've ever had. Every month, like where I've I met my weakest Sometimes I haven't this time. I think those are going to start in a couple of days because my period is still eight days away. I mean, this is you don't even have evidence for this. No,

you can't even show your boyfriend. I can show him my flow app, which is definitely tracking this ship, and I'm starting to track every single day. I put in notes like I want I had suicidal thoughts today, like or I you know, my boobs feel heavy, or my body feels like a bag of old soup. Like that is seriously how I feel. I just feel soupy. I just feel like, you know, yeah, way, I just feel like I'm really just like it has too much air

in it too. It's not like packed tight, and it's just like I feel like I was a guide too, Like when um, I feel like, you know, Brenna has really really bad periods, do I guess she's like horrible cramps? And I try to like judge it almost on a curve, like I don't. I'm like, Okay, this is who you are this week. You're going through it. It doesn't include me. That's my that's what as a as a guy, and

I'm sure Chris might deal with it. Two is like when a woman is you know, you're dealing with your own ship, and sure it's gonna come over into my ship a little bit, but I gotta understand this isn't my ship, you know what I mean? And that's that I don't know. That's hard though. I think sometimes that's a guy even if you know, even when a girl tells you that they're on their periods, you guys want to fix it and you want to make it better.

And and we you are the person. Like there's a new Wilco song off Cruel Country and it's called I'm I'm I'm tired of taking it out on you, And it's like he's just tired of taking it out on the person who's most proximity to him. But like, that is why we're in relationships, is to have someone there when we are at that vulnerable, not to take it

out on them. But like I, like I was saying today, you know, um, when I was feeling so sad yesterday and I was like, and Chris has COVID right now, so he couldn't be around me, and I just I just had no one to comfort me. And that's what that's why we are in relationships, because when our parents get old and they die, we need to we need someone else to hold us and to comfort us, like we're little babies. When like that's why I need a relationship.

Like it isn't about you, but it is. It is because you just but you have to learn how to not take it out and to actually like lean on that person for support as opposed to like make them feel like they're the cause of it. Um, let's take a quick break and dissect this even more when we get back on my birthday, Andrew heavy flow coming down like a soupy soup and it's come in like child, but get back and have some claim. Yeah, dude, there's a I don't know if you have you ever been

to Oyster Welcome back Oyster. It's a bar Oyster something Broadway Oyster bar, great bar right the way? Do you want a bar for I'm drinking a little bit again, So like you go and you just what do you do? Music? Like amazing life, great New Orleans food. It's just it's a very cool field. And but there's a there's when you walk there, there's a bar. It's called Jazz Blues and Soup. I just love that, like the coolest things ever in soup, you know, blues soup. I was dying.

I was like, has anyone had the soup here? I was like my tomato soup, lift me, oh hello, chatter and down like something. I mean, they must have really great soup to put that on to think that it deserves a spot. They were like, we need one more thing. It doesn't make sense to call it jazz and blues. Could what else could go up there that would have been better, that will nothing better than. And then you just hear a microwave go off like peep peep, and

they're like, what did you just make these? Like souper? He goes. I mean, that's not bad, it's not bad. Look, they're just putting together. At this bar. There are some woman named Massey. Did you ever hear of her? Like a big time blues singer. That was like a breath of Franklin. Where is this? I don't even know where this place is. You walked there, Yeah, it's right, it's kind of by the stadium went to. That's right, that's right, that's right. But yeah, I don't know. Someone wanted the

lead singer the Cardinals game. It was like two D degrees, like, yeah, it's a hot day. St. Louis might have the whitest people I've ever seen, right, like we it's a problem. It's not even what. It's like a whole another kind of white. It's the white that I've never seen. I'm from Florida, What does that mean? What are you saying with that? Just ugly nod? There's just like an off

there all it's a it's a weird. It's definitely not the superior race when you when you look at when they're burning in the sun and you realize they got to leave by the third inning or the off skin cancer and die the same day. Like, I don't know, it's just a different kind of white. You're talking about the color of their skin. Really, Oh, they're so, I mean, they're training. But what you're saying St. Louis is white.

That's what you're talking about is literally physically white. Physically well you're not like like white, Like this feels a little racist white because that's what St. Louis feels to me. No offense to my talent that I know and love, but we have a race problem. Yeah. I mean, look, I would say ninety eight percentity audience at the game was white. I don't know if that has anything to do with racism. Mean, do you count the people selling

things the audience. I'm just kidding because they're not even there anymore. What do you mean COVID? I don't know. If they don't have like sex were in they definitely they didn't have that hot dog water just drink the dog. No. Um. I think this town like it's yeah, I ideal ideal with feelings of um like anger towards this town of how I grew up in an environment where you just

it's very segregated. I just and that they're with this denial of it too, of like, no, we're so multicultural and we I literally heard someone at a party say St. Louis isn't racist. I was at it. I was at dinner the other night and I lovely, uh you know table black people sat next to us. It was fine. It was fine. That's the wait, Wait, what what do you mean it was fine? Why wouldn't it be fine? Is that your story? And we we we were fine with it. Wait, I'm sorry, what is this the end

of the story? That was the end of the story. And this was obviously an older person telling his story, and um, but it was you know, it was someone that I would say was of sound mind that I wouldn't have ever thought, and this person would never think they're racist because of that statement of like I see black people all the time and I don't want to burn crosses in their yard. That doesn't mean you're not real,

you idiot. But that's the problem with St. Louis has a problem with admitting that they might have racist tendency. I have I have stereo. There are people I have preconceived versions about literally anyone who isn't me, whether you're white, whether you're manned, like any we all do. And they're wrong. They're not our fault, their societal they you know, but not acknowledging them is not the way to handle them.

Ensive you don't have to go I you don't be guilty constantly and and feel like you like you know, there's a lot a lot of people that say, oh, I was just getting my hair downe the other day, and my hair stylis said that someone of her clients is pulling her kids out of a school district, like a fairly conservative, white, very expensive school to go to.

She's pulling her kids out because they are teaching them about slavery too much and Mike, so my kids have to pay the price and be and they are there, they have to feel guilty constantly for something they didn't even do. And it's like, wait, where did I understand that there are some black people that would probably want us to feel constant guilt and that is a thing that some people, maybe even white people, expect you to

do that. But I don't think learning about something is there to make you feel guilty for it, even if it was your ancestors who did it. There's you know, that might be a feeling that lingers, but no one's teaching it to you to feel guilty. The history, it's it's just you know what facts don't We don't care about facts any It's like it's, look, there's no point of school anymore. I really feel that. I just love someone taking them out of private school and be like,

I'm going to homeschooling myself. I'll teach him what I want. And it's like, where are they gonna learn how to fucking drive a Volvo, you dumb bitch? No, because um, we're gonna have something. They have self driving cars, turn it on and say go to target. I mean, it's wild. What was in our history books of how they just glanced over hundreds of years of oppression didn't make us not feel But I remember learning about slavery and about

the Civil rights movement. I remember it was third grade and like hearing really hard stuff and like learning like oh fucking and feeling bad, like having guilt about it and being like, oh my god, I would if I were a black person, I would be so fucking mad

at us about anyone who was white. I would really like I had that, like I projected that resentment on But it was essential for me to to learn that, Like can you imagine not learning about slavery or but there's so much stuff we're missing, like we learned I don't know anything about I didn't know anything about, you know, the killing fields in Cambodia. You read about that ship and is so fucking horrifying, you know, even more recently, like I don't. There's so many test about plenty of

bad I'm a Jew. I learned plenty of bad stuff Germans did. I went to Germany. I I had a little bit of a preconceived notion of like German, you you connect Nazi to German because you heard that your whole life. Not only did I hear that in my history books, I heard that in every single movie I've seen. Literally feel a tinge of guilt when I have to tell people like, oh, my family's German Irish, Like I wish I could skip the German part because of that. But as a Jew, I'm just saying, like I don't

feel oh yeah, okay. So at that point you would be the oppress or you would be the white person in the in the in the slave scenario of the black but like I don't, Yeah, I don't know. I guess, Yeah, I guess. I guess in that standpoint, I'm I'm the the minority in that instance. But like, yeah, I don't know. I guess I was gonna put this where like I didn't. I don't see Germans though as like he's horrible, but

you might have a little bit of like that. You guys, your your ancestors are pieces of ship that did this thing. Like also, okay, fine, then deal with those feelings. But the answer isn't not talking about things that happened. I just I just hate not talking about things that are that have happened. I think that's like my overwriting thing is like not being honest or being in denial of anything.

It's like it really bugs me. And it just just because you want to avoid guilt or you want to avoid feelings, which is all I want to do is avoid fucking feelings. So I don't know if I want to avoid it or I don't want to. And why didn't always mean the Cardinals the Cardinals one? No, I stayed the old game I thought you said at the fourth innite. No, no, no, everyone else did. That was so we were sitting underneath report or whatever. It was great. I was like, no, no son at all, just had it.

I love people watching. That's my favorite part about There were some. There was some. I barely even watched the game. Yeah, I mean, I don't think I watched it at all. Actually it was fun. I went with Brennan and her two friends that live here, and uh, one of them, it was funny. We're making fun of the guy that keeps he still has one of those scorecards and he writes it with a pencil like like no one else is going to get like, he's find this information online immediately.

So he said that his grandfather granted this is probably before who you talked to the scorecard guy? No, don't know. I talked to the other guy that we were sorry. Yeah, Brenna's friend there, the guy in a couple his grandfather would do that and he would market how he saw the game and then how he would tell the game as he'd go, yeah, there wasn't that wasn't a hit, that was an error, and everyone's like, no, you know, the people upstairs said it was a hit, and he's like,

not by my scorecard, you know, like like that. Do you carry on anythings that like even though it's already digitized and there's no need for you to do it, do you like do it? I can't think of anything like that. I can't even I mean, I think, guess with birthday cards. Sometimes I will just like or ran in a while it felt better than sending you a dead or like writing a list or writing in a journal long form instead of writing in your notes or um,

I don't know, writing a set list. I'm trying to think of like things or I mean you used to go to stores instead of buying on Amazon? Well yeah, you like you were the biggest holdout for on and shopping that I but anyone, I know, I wish I kept holding out. I probably would have saved ten dollars at least. Yeah, it's obscene how much money I spend on I had no idea how easy Amazon was. I also lived in a building that I was worried the ship was gonna get stolen. I didn't have a doorman,

so that changed everything once I got a doorman. But uh, yeah, I don't know. I sometimes I'll hold a newspaper. I like holding paper, and I forget that feel. I like chewing paper. You can't chew your phone. So many things that weren't chewable. You know a lot of comics, though, here's a thing. I learned a lot of comics. Right lefty throw righty. That's the thing I've way more than in real world. Like a lot lefties are like more creative, I think, and then righty is more, um this kind

of brain. So I think that combination creative and straight brain. Yeah, are you right handed? No? Yeah, I'm right handed me too. Yeah. The other thing with comics they chew on pen caps or have chewing granted maybe allot of them. Don't get me. They also all, you know, our alcoholics too. It's like these are all things you do to cope with anxiety too. Besides, but like chewing pencaps are like ripping labels off of beer, and like you always go, oh, you're sexually anxious, but

it's like, no, you're just anxious, dude. I ripped I never had a fucking beer. Every single beer I ever drank was empty. I'm still doing that. I mean, I guess you're having drinks now. I had white cloud for the first time. Oh yeah, well, let's talk about that, um a little bit later because we have to get to the news. But I'm dying to hear your white closet. You said it would have killed you. Let's get the news. It's Wednesday, folks, you know what that means. It is Wednesday.

It's also Nikki Glazer's birthday. If you haven't yet, Center attacks, No, don't stay away. I just got two more tax Only loves them. I hope you're having all the swells out there and uh yeah, oh if you want to come come to Westpard Social just well that's this won't be out but then no, but I'm just promoting for yesterday, I mean for earlier tonight. Whenever this comes out. I just want to say that I tried to condense your birthday text by texting you in our group chat with

the girls. You did a great job of that. I haven't even gotten to that whole Did I write even back to it? I don't have yet, sorry, babe, because you didn't a group text. For some reason, group text gives me less pressure because I'm like other people are taking care of what's going on in there, and so I don't even I looked at it as more like less of a birthday text. I just looked at as like a block of text that I can get to later because other people in the group text will take

care of it. I didn't really even know it was a birthday text, so I appreciate that. Yes, so you could just write thanks once and not have to respond to be no no, and Anya also wrote me, was like, you don't have to reply to this, but you mean so much to like all my friends are giving me the caveat of like, don't even do anything back to this.

It's very nice. Okay. So I don't know if you've seen this trending, but hashtag sweden gate uh is trending after posts to ask credit answering the question what's the weirdest thing you had to do at someone else's house because of their culture slash religion go viral because they say that Swedish families did not invite their children's guests

to eat family meals as a custom. Swedest families did not invite their children's friends to eat family meals as a custom, so you would never eat a dinner or a meal over at your friend's house. Okay, Okay. So here's like one of the quick anecdotes. Um, so while we were so, I remember going to my friend's house and while we were playing in his room, his mom yelled at dinner was ready and check this. He told me to wait in his room while they ate. That's

it was fucking wild. So apparently that custom is outdated, but it was true and the thought behind it was, Um, the other children or other family may have plans with another might have another kind of dinner in the plans, and you wouldn't want to ruin the routine or preparations. So it's about other people. So it's about that my

son's friends family. I don't want to pose on what they might have planned by giving their son My family's feeling right, But Twitter and you know, the Internet like exploded. How Like it's just rude. They don't want to feed the children, there, this and that, but they are good people. They're Okay, you're going to be in Sweden. Oh I am. I'm going to Am I going to Stockholm. I don't remember it, but you're going to be. I'm going to Stockholm in October the real life. No, I've never been.

I've only in Europe. I've only been to Madrid, Paris, a little bit of oh god, don't say like that, Valencia and the south of France, and those are the only places I've been. So I'm very excited to go to Berlin, Munich, uh oslo Oslow, that's right. Where else are we go? There's so many places we're going. I had a little song memorized to memorize all of them in the order that they were going, but I can't

remember it now. But um, yeah, I'm so freaking said Amsterdam, that's where I'm ending the tour, and that's where I'm going to stay for a few days, I think, and go um to the Anne Frank House and stuff like that, and like the Red District and oh yeah, did you hear someone um kicked the Mona Lisa? Yeah, that was funny because I looked into it and go, wait, what the funk is this real? And there's a big They

didn't really get it. There's something about why is it that I wanted them to get it because I'm kind of like over worshiping this little fucking painting. It's so small and she deserves a cake in the face. That's me. Smoke. You ever heard that Lonely Island song about Mona Lisa. They're like, yeah, Mona Lisa, you're an overrated piece of ship with that terrible smile and those dead shark eyes

and a smirk like you're hiding a dick. Mona Lisa, the original basic Bitch traveled thousands of miles to see your stupid smile. Other like talk about a baden switch. You're ugly, and it's just like, I mean, I don't know, Well, what's really interesting about it? When I did sorry, when I broke it. When I was looking the other day about the cake incident, it's very interesting because there was this diagram of all the expressions on micro expressions on

her face. So there's there's contempt, there's happiness, there's anger. Like the nuances of her face, which is why that painting pisses me off so much, is because you can't tell how she feels, and that is interesting. Also follows you around the room with her eyes. You know that, Oh my god, they're on one side. Oh yeah, but so many do you know that? That is any if you look down the barrel of a lens, any photograph where the person is looking into the lens, it will

follow you around the room. That's what. That's the only thing that requires that kind of trick happening. Um, no, what were you going to say about it? So I just looked up why is the Mona Lisa so famous? And it's basically, um, the style of of realism by Leonardo da Vinci influenced a bunch of other painters and stuff. So I think it's it's just like created that that was the bottom of realism. Yes, that's that's a good. If that's good, I guess I could do better than

that fucking ugly little bit. Okay, but hold on, I just have to say one one more lyric about if you've never heard the Mona Lisa song, it's my favorite low Mi and song. They go Mona Lisa, Okay, then they go they just talk about all these world phenomenon that are like really hyped up. And then you get there and it's ship. So he's like, I'm headed to Paris and accorded to noon, so excited to see her. I went straight to the Louver, which is the museum.

I heard she's exquisite, so I bought a ticket, pushed my way to the front of the crowd, and I couldn't believe, but I saw Mona Lisa, You're renover rated piece of ship, and it goes, um. Can someone explain while the whole wide world is obsessed with a garbage pale kid looks like a garbage pail kid, and Da Vinci must have sucked an art historians dick to get this girl who looks like uncooked bread at the top of the all time list of paintings, and it says

Mona Lisa. Um. Then the bridge where I was like, Mona Lisa, I got to know where the funk are your eyebrows? I really want to know where you could land a helicopter on that big potato forehead. Get the chicks Rogaine, You're a bloated corpse girl like He's if you guys never seen pop Star the Lonely Island movie. It is the funniest Gudya movie. And that song is in the movie but they only do one one verse of it and the whole album is so funny. But Mona Lisa is my favorite song of theirs. And just

saying um. At the very end, it says her hair part is wider than a country road. It's like, um, he goes I am an American man. This is my native land where no one lies about paintings. But that's not the case in France, where the naked ladies dance and they look like Dennis France. If you know what Danni's France looks like, it looks exactly like he goes. You're so mangy. Mona hair part wider than a country Rhoda unless you count cats. She's gonna die, Alna the

mona Lisa sucks da da da dada. I have already been care you know for sure, studied abroad or they went up and they all had that moment of like this thing is so overrated than this. Yeah, it's the Willie Nelson next to your head. And when the person threw cake at it, I woent and read about all the vandalism. Someone stole it in like the like early on, it was stolen for a while and they found it.

Then in nineteen a woman threw a cup at it because she was Um I think she was Romanian and she wasn't getting French um citizenship, so she was pissed, so she brought a cup that she hid in her fucking bag and she threw a cup at it. But it broke against the screen that was protecting it. And then this time this guy posted an old woman like in a wheelchair because you get to get closer to it if you're in a wheelchair, and then throw a cake.

But wouldn't you also research if you knew that you can get close enough that you could be in a wheelchair and get close enough to throw a cake. Wouldn't you also really research if it has a plastic thing in front of it? Yeah? I mean I think he just he got I don't know if he I guess he wanted to ruin it. But instead of a pie, Oh yeah, or a creeper or something, yeah, craper ring. I remember I went to Perry for two weeks. I lived there. I love Paris. What did I even do?

I got a good I just remember getting a hair cut and they massage my head for an hour. I thought you were going to talk about something else. I got a good hair, No, not good head? Um? Okay, do we have time for another news story that will inspire me to thing? Um? A raspberry flavored uterus shaped cereal called period Crunch aims to encourage conversations about periods at the breakfast table. No this is just trying to make headlines, right, You're right, this is just an attention

is it like another cereal that's throwing it? Like? This is just this is this pr It's a PR stock by a Swedish company called into into Mina and throw. We really don't want your kids having preakfice at our house. Yeah, we don't serve anything. Don't don't invite your child over for our family. But um, okay. The company surveying more than two thousand people and found that forty of girls and women are too embarrassed to talk about their periods.

It is a problem women do not. We have such shame about our periods because we start bleeding at this very young age. A lot of us more young every day because of the hormones and different foods, and girls are getting their period at like eight seven and eight now and um, and it's embarrassing and moms don't know how to talk to their kids about it because it's just like you don't want it's sexualizing your child in a way. And and men don't even fucking know how

much blood comes out of you. I didn't even know I talked about this. I had no idea how much blood came out of me because I'm always putting tampons up there that collect it all, and then I pull it out and it just looks like, oh, a little tampon worth of blood. I didn't know that. It's buckets and boockets every month. It's so much, and we have to keep it secret, you know, like we are the ones that are like, it's not just men or misogyny.

It's like the women also are and it is based on like the shame that we feel, but we just don't. We don't talk about the stuff at all because it is. It is gross. Blood is gross. People have an aversion to it. Yeah, it's not lady like, like your whole so many people are like your cortillion, like that whole thing, Like, well, you're gonna fucking put the right side of a fork on the right side of the plane and then go Also, my pussies bleeding, Like it's just not lady like to

talk about. For some reason, they're taught at a young age. We still like if you go to the bathroom with the tampon, you like sneak it up your sleeve and I walk conscishly there was I went to Yeah, I went to the airport. We were at the airport on a layover somewhere, and I remember I learned a way to get through a crowded airport and have the work. Just The sea part for you is too, because I got it back from tampons and I didn't want to

get a bag because I hate plastic bags. So I'm carrying the box of tampons, and I didn't realize I was carrying it right in front of my phone and like with my phone, so it almost looked like I was holding my phone like the tampons top. It was like I was sucking Moses parting, like there were people they just wanted to get away from me because this weird girl's holding up this box of shameful tampons. So I always walk confidently with tampons and and make sure

to have them spilling out of my bag. I don't care because even when they're you know, the airport cards that make that annoyance sound, they could just through tampons on the front. That's so true. I've always been run over by the Yeah, those things go way too They're way too big and way too fast. I'm sucking. I'm sick of those things. And people that ride them don't need to be on them. Know a lot of people do, but some people are lazy. There's a lot of fake

limps going around. When I went to Thailand. If people want to fake limp and that is that that they need to do that to get through life, let him happen. That is so fucking sad that that's what they mean to get attention or whatever. Just have a birthday, Okay, get famous and have a birthday, um no U. When I went to Thailand, I asked the front desk for tampons. This isn't two thousand when I turned twenty nine. It was nine years ago exactly on this day in Thailand.

Went to this amazing resort and I go up to the front desk and I was like, do you have tampons? And the girl spoke good English and was like, I don't even know what that is, very confused, and I literally went like this. I was like, I did the finger, I did a hole and I did a finger going up and I was like, I'm on my period. The thing you put up and and she was just like no. And I was just like I felt really embarrassed that I had asked and I was like, okay, and I

had never used pads before. I was never a pad girl. I went right to tampon's right away. Thailand hates pads. They don't or they hate tampons. They don't believe. And I think this is many cultures. Let's talk about, you know, traditions and and and things. They don't. They don't think it's okay to hold it inside. It's something that you need to get rid of, and that if you're holding it inside you, you're keeping this like it's almost like you're constipated with the thing that you need to shed

and that it needs to be shed. And I remember being like that so backwards, and there's so much shame around having it inside you. But there's something really beautiful about being like I'm bleeding and it's just coming on out. And there are times where I go through a whole period. And I'm sorry about period talk for the men who listen to the show and just don't need this, or girls that are just like I don't need this, nicky, But there's times where let it go one month, just

use pads, just see what happens. And even pads really hide a lot of the blood, like it'll make it into this weird gel substances, like I only did a thimble. But it's good too. It's good to bleed, it's good

to feel. It's good to like see it and realize that you're like a being that is going through this weird process that is very brutal, and that women are really strong to have to go through it and to like see it and to not hide, to not keep it inside and pull it out like a dead mouse and then you know, throw it in the little bin and then the blood gets on like the little bin door, and then wipe that door off. I know it's a public restroom and someone's gonna do it for you, but

you wipe that door off. No one wants to see your little over the bathroom, but yeah, yeah, for sure, smack your tab pad up on the wall. I want to I want to look at it. Um. I used to have one of the most disgusting jokes I ever had, was I remember telling it at the Funny Bone, saying like, oh, I just went to the bathroom and they ran out of toilet paper, so oh I had to um get a pad out of the little trash bit. I just remember, like,

why would I it's not even funny, it's gross. I had so many jokes that used to just make people go, I mean, I'm not I wish you could have seen me back in the day I was. I was like a shot comic. Every single joke I told was trying, and I would stack my set not based on like, oh,

I'll close with the funniest one. I couldn't your said as this sometimes do where you can't recover after how visceral a certain joke is and you've learned like, okay, I either have to close on that because they don't like me after that, or it's just because they won't like or like they just get they can't come back. You can't top. It's just it's hard to tell the difference between something gross and something funny, and a lot of times they're the same because gross is shocking and

funny is shocking. So I used to just be man. I used to have someone I should go through my old jokes. We should go through our old jokes sometimes and just and and talk about them in like almost like a history lesson of like this is what my ancestors did, like an older version of myself, and please forgive me that I used to say these things, but I used to have some of the most offensive material that I can't even believe. I can't believe how dark I was, and I would just think of the worst

thing and say it. I mean, I almost did a joke this weekend that I'm so glad I didn't do because I was just feeling a lot after the school shooting obviously last week, and I didn't know what to do with it. And then I go to the WOCO concert on Friday night and I cried during one of the songs just because I was It wasn't even about the shooting. It was just cried because of such a beautiful song story to tell, just to give it a

promo promo. And I the next day, I wanted to talk about the Wilco show I saw the night before in my set because it was all the people that were there, and I was gonna say I even told Anya and Matt and Josh Gandham and I was like, I know this isn't funny, but I just want to acknowledge the shooting. I don't want to act like I don't want to make jokes about it, but I want to acknowledge it's a fucking thing. So I was just gonna say, um, how good was the show last night?

You guys like it was. I it's just so nice, Like I cried during story to tell this most beautiful song, It's just so nice to cry about something other than child murder. I was just gonna make a it's kind of a joke because it's it's a joke in the sense that it would be hard for people to laugh, but you know what it's but it's funny because of it.

But it's but to me, people are like, it's not really funny, and I'm like, well, I get that it's not funny, but to me, it is funny because you think I'm gonna say it's nice to cry about something other than I was gonna say child murder and the fact that I lost this earring last week make it something small too. But it was like that's the first thought I had, was this dark thought of like I

need I need to make things dark. I need to acknowledge the darkness because we can't act like it didn't happen. And people sometimes mistake that for like you're using it as fodder and you're making fun of the victims. As opposed to like, no, I'm just I just need to say it happened. Yeah, and I don't want to. Don't you think that's what that's That would be my argument why I got shushed about it. It was really awkward. I'll tell it on another show, but it was I'm

still processing it. I got kind of like, don't talk about that. Uh, And I'll tell you about it at another type. But we gotta go to break. It will be back with works so out. We'll be back with a fun esther Pearrel game. All right, we're back. It's wild, wild, wacky Wednesday, and today we are going to play um the Esther Pearrel game, which, by the way, Noah, have you seen the new show Couples Therapy on Showtime? No? I I don't have a showtime. Okay I didn't either.

Do you have Hulu? I don't have Hulu? Well if if our listeners do, no one knows about the show, and I can't believe they don't. But it's called Couples Therapy and it's so fucking good and it's watching these different couples going yeah, real life, and it just is Anna and I are obsessed with it. Anyone I've talked to about it. I put it on my story. I didn't know about the show, and I just feel like it's a failure on Showtime's part to not reach me

somehow because I'm into self help, I'm into therapy. I love real reality shows, Like the show is right up my alley. How did they not target me and get in front of me? But I found out about it, I forget. I think there was a thing about it

in the New York or something. But anyway, but I want to promote it because I think if you you like my show, you would like the show Couple Therapy and the extension on Hulu for um, for show Time to add it's like three month, which is I know it adds up, but it's not as bad as I thought it was gonna be. So anyway, Um, It's just

like Esther Peerrel's Where Should We Begin? It's a podcast she does, and she also has this game called where Should We Begin, which is what we're gonna play right now that Noah owns, and one card is a prompt for what the story. It's a storytelling game, so it prompts stories, so one card is kind of gives you the subject matter of what your story should be about, a circumstance a prompt, and then the other one is a feeling, and your story has to do in a

theme a theme of feeling. So you'll see how this goes. So UM, today we selected two separate cards and it's going to give us a little um prompt for stories. So Noah, well, this one we kind of made up in our text message in the style star Perrel game, so we could talk about your favorite topic. Birthdays. Yes, birthdays is the subject. Yeah, so a birthday I remember,

and we'll make the theme um out of character? Yeah, a birthday I remember, and then it has to fit a theme of something that's out of character, something happened during the birthday, someone else's birthday. I mean, a birthday I remember can be your birthday, anyone's birthday. But that's how the sentence should start, or the story should start. So I'll start a birthday that I remember was um And I feel like this is out of character because this I used to love birthdays and it's not the

way I feel about them anymore. But I was UM in kindergarten and my mom made a little mermaid theme birthday party. And I was so excited and obsessed and we played um, pin the tail on the um what I think? So maybe we did pin the claw on the Sebastian because he was the character I was obsessed with the little murmur um and we did uh uh. She made a pinata of flounder, so we got to beat this fish senselessly. Um and then candy spilled out of his guts and we had or maybe we did

pin the tail on like the Mermaid. Maybe it was just her tail um. And I had all my friends there, And it's so funny because you look back at birthdays and like when you were a kids. It was in Cincinnati on the river, and we had like all these friends there, and I look at the pictures from like that day and it's all my little friends on the porch. I don't know any of them, none of them, not

a single one. And it's just weird too. Yes, yes, And I have something I really liked about birthdays that used to happen in my childhood that I still continue on is that whenever my sister had a birthday, my aunt Nancy would buy me a gift too, just a little something, because it's hard for little kids to watch this like Christmas, you know, speaking from a family that celebrated Christmas, Like on Christmas, everyone gets presents, and then all of a sudden, there's this thing where it's like

only this one person does and it's like it doesn't make sense. And I know it's probably an ing great thing, but I always really appreciated that my Aunt Nancy would go out of our way to get me a little something that was on the side that I could open, that my sister would even see me open. She would

do the same for my sister. So I always get Arlo and Poppy like little gifts to be like you get a gift because you're such a good brother for like you've been such a good brother the two years she's been alive, and um, I just always appreciate that. And I was thinking of, um, how I could give

a gift to like my friends on my birthday. And I'm trying to maybe construe tonight as like how can I make this so fun for other people and like not make it about me, And like maybe that's maybe I can That's what I can do with birthdays in the future, is like make sure it's a day where I give back in some way that I feel okay about accepting all the love because I think that that's what I struggle with when I have depression, is at it's me, me, me, and I'm like, I'm so sad,

and it's like I always advise when people are depressed and they go NICKI Emily depress, what should I do? I always tell them call someone who needs needs of friends, go pick up some litter, like, do something that has nothing to do with you, and see how you feel afterwards. And so I need to follow my own advice. And maybe I'll call my aunt Sally today and that will be my because I know she really needs someone to talk to and uh, and then I'll call her and

give her that that voicemail to live that. I go, Sally, I'm just calling to give you this other number where I don't have to talk to you, and Noah will listen to it and she will edit it for our podcast, which I will give that number to her in addition to giving her a nice long call today. So that's my birthday story. Not great, But what about you? Um, I guess birthday. I'm sorry a birthday. I remember birthday.

I remember my my thirtieth birthday, So like you, like I, I never I would never set up like a party. I would never do anything like maybe I like have two friends maybe for dinner. But I never would do anything to like get attention for my birthday. I really don't remember doing like I really don't are like telling people that it's coming on with your mom and dad

celebrate your birthday in a big way. When you were a little this is the thing, like I've talked about it on here before, like any big thing now that I remember my parents, if they both had to be there, or if you had to be at one place for one day, it became a thing you have to split your time or they would both be there and it would be you being like I hope mom and dad don't fight and are like they don't want to be here, I feel guilty and talk to each other for twenty

years in front of us. So anyway, I never really celebrated my birthday that much. And then when I was thirty, Uh, I was living at my older brothers. I was working for his company, and I was like leaving like four out of the seven days to go work in the middle of like this place called Taunton, Massachusetts, which is like and just far enough away from Boston where you can't go into Boston for the night to have a

good time. So I was living in the middle of nowhere, living working in a factory, like, oh yeah, this was your factory. And I was just doing a job that like was not like what I wanted to do. But I also was in a circumstance where I was grateful for my brother to help me, but I was also like, what am I doing? Like whatever, So I was a little depressed. And then I just remember, uh, I got a massage. My brother got me a massage for my birthday. And came back to the house and everything was quiet,

and and my friends. I knew they were in town and I saw them earlier in day, and I still didn't put it together that a surprise party. He just ruined it. That's so funny. I really a surprise party story. Wait, just a kid, I that's my biggest fear as a surprise party. Wait, did you there's the thing I was. I think I took his d X the day and I had massage. I was so out of it, but I got there and there was a king outfit waiting for me. Everyone was dressed. We were going to medieval times,

and everyone was decked out in night gear. One person dressed his Bobby Night which was so funny. Another person dressed a Chewbacca out of nowhere. Another person dressed as Sugar Knight that's so funny. Got flown in well somewhere mostly New York, just Kelly and Danny. Well, Kelly and Danny flew in, but everyone else just lived in New York City. So we all go to medieval times. I'm dressed like the king. At one point they addressed the

king and I'm I take the King's thunder. I'm and everyone's like because I'm like full on, like this is like a three thousand, like a really, And I was like hello, Hello, and then I put my face in the cake and then I remember the king. The medieval king hated me because I was like, oh, I'll get the night. So then he was taking his like this is ward. So so we're having the time of our life. We take the bus back, we go down lower Lower

East Side. We're drinking and one of the guys had a lightsaber, which, you know, funny hot lightsaber in medieval times. It doesn't really add up. Some random guy grabbed his lightsaber and threw it. Next thing you know, we get in a full on brawl. We're all dressed like night and was there is our one black friend and he we're all fighting, fist fighting. And then my buddy who's dressed as the King. Remember the Burger King commercial. He was on on every drug but mostly cocaine and um

what's the other one? That ecstasy the other? And he thought people were chasing him and he was running around the Lower east Side see King people were so he looked like the King from the commercial, but he thought in his mind people were chasing to fight him, and so he just kept seeing him run past. Anyways, it

was unbelievable. And the best part though, is my other buddy dresses the King and he rode the mechanical bull and we're in the bathroom and he fell off and he wasn't his underwear ripped and I was just in the bathroom random and some random dude came out he was like, yo, did you see that King's ball? Alright, final thought, it was a great birthday and it was nice to feel like like, you know, I don't know

like that I like mattered. Yeah, that's really sweet. Yeah, I'm I'm I'm, I'm um warming up to the idea of of birthdays and I am excited about tonight and I hope that some busties show up and I get to hug them and and they get to hear me saying Cheryl crow Um or Lonely Island. Know what what about you? For birthdays? You got one? I am trying to like rack my brain to think of my own birthday, but most of my birthday celebrating going out and doing

crazy things or whatever. Uh, We're spent really drunken high, so I don't remember any of them. I don't remember any details, but I guess, um, I'm gonna give myself kudos because AV you know, his love languages, quality time. So like all those crazy things that I've planned for us to do on his as like a birthday activity for him, like ice climbing and mountain climbing and all that crap that I would never do on my own, um actually turned out to be really good bonding experiences.

And I was like, oh, I can plan fun things for birthday. It's nice that you you. Yeah, you are you. I mean, you are great. At birthdays. You've always made me feel so special and you you're just a great friend.

You just you both are you are like so I couldn't asked for two better people to have spent this like hour and a half or whatever with because I came in just feeling so sad and like kind of misunderstood and not even understanding myself to be honest with you, and like, just you guys are always so um like nice to me when I'm going through those stages of like like just being a baby or being like kind of brady, like just Andrew says the perfect like funny thing to make it like just to let me know

that he's like not on my same level. He's not like gonna because I think a lot of times when you get really upset, people try to like match your energy or try to like fix it or try to get as angry as you or like adopt some of your anger. And I like that Andrew, you always go

You always like acknowledge what I'm going through. Like I came in and I'm like da da listing all these things, and anderstanding there with his card like uh and like it's my birthday, is trying to be nice, but you made some kind of joke as soon as I walked in and you were like oh. I was like, oh, I just want to like die today, and you're like, it's you know, birthday is probably a cool day to

go or something like that. You made a funny joke that let me know that, like you're acknowledging what I said. You're not giving it too much. You know that I'm not actually suicidal. I'm just saying dumb things. You made a joke, and you just let me have my feelings. You don't make me feel stupid about it. You laugh when I do say stupid things that I'm I am

just sometimes saying. I learned today when I was in therapy crying to my therapist with my boyfriend also there that I say outrageous and like sometimes mean or crazy things, either mean to myself mean to others, because I think that when I was met as a child, when I would cry, I was met with a lot of like, what are you crying about? This is ridiculous. You're crying because your Barbie's hair isn't straight or whatever it is like that, or your hair isn't straight or something stupid.

And I felt like because that was then I'm just gonna go and I would get looks of like them being like, you're fucking insane, Like they would say that, but just like this is culous. They would say that in their own you know, the way you talk to kids. Way, yes, but just because they just not because they're bad people. Like I want to make it clear my mom and dad are amazing parents. Clearly I have the best parents ever. I put them on a reality show. I love them

so much. But they just didn't know what to do with a daughter who had so much anxiety and seemed to be like would lose it at little things, but it was because it wasn't about that little thing, and you know that requires a lot of therapy and like to understand the root of the stuff. So they would just look at each other like what the fuck? And then I discovered that then flailing around and making it

even crazier was where I would go. Instead of going like I'm just gonna act like it's something else, I'd go, you think it's crazy that I'm crying about my Barbie

having bent hair on her bangs. Then I am going to hurl myself against the wall, throw myself on the ground try to hurt myself so that, honestly, I think it was like so that you take me to a hospital and some a nurse has to actually actually like someone will give a ship, someone will step in and have to do it, like take me to a hospital, put me in a state because they used to go, we're gonna you need to be admitted somewhere, like they

used to like say that almost jokingly, and I'd be like, great, I would love for a doctor to actually try to figure out what's wrong with me because I don't know what it is. This has to be someone else's problem besides mine because I can't handle it. So I would go So today on the on my therapy, I was feeling embarrassed about my feelings because I was crying about something that kind of made no sense about Like I'm having a birthday party and I'm feeling stressed out about it.

I felt stupid. I'm crying, it's about my birthday. I'm crying because I'm like, I'm already famous. I get it off attention, so now I'm crying about being famous, Like what is going on? I felt stupid, So then I'm like, Okay, I gotta get crazier because this is just borderline. I need to go full crazy so that these other crazy things are then just so much less than the other stuff I'm saying. Which when you say really crazy stuff,

people can go, oh, she's just crazy. But when you say things that are just sounding like you're like you think you're cool, or you're just you're crying about being famous, people can go, she's a bit your spoiled. Yes, But if I cry about so where I can't even tell you where did you Did you have that epiphany in

that connection today in therapy I had. That's a huge birthday gift, by the way of like self realization A couple fucking This is why therapy is great, you guys, And I know I do ads for it on here, but you don't know how you feel until you are able to like talk things out to maybe to fucking wall like you don't even need, like it's not It's

sometimes about listening to yourself. Because as I was talking, because we were talking about Chris has COVID and he can't come tonight, and if he does come tonight, he's on the sixth day of it, but he's tested positive yesterday. And I was like, just come in a mask, and he's like, maybe I'll do that, but I just I don't want to get close. And then as we were talking, my therapist at one point was like, Nicky, what's your love language? And I was like touch, like immediately touch,

and I was like, oh my god, I know. I was like I and Chris is kind of hurt because I'm like, I'd rather you not come than come and wear a mask like I just and be like like there was something about him coming and being scared to give me and anyone else COVID that made me go, I don't want to make him feel bad about coming and like being nervous, And then I realized it's because I'd rather not come because I want to touch you.

I want to be touched about you like that. I don't want you around if I can't touch you like And I felt bad saying that because I don't want him to think that that's all I use him for, because obviously not. He's so much more to me than that, but I do when we were trying to be like just friends, I remember saying to him like, I don't even want to be friends with you because I'm when I'm around you. I want to hold your hand, I want to like rub your back. I want you to

touch me, and like I can't. And you know, I'm not saying down the line like if we were I think I could be friends with him now if we decided we couldn't be together something like I have more of a connection with him, but I really require touch

a and I said that today. I was like, I just realized, Like she asked me about touch I was talking about Chris coming with a mask on, and I was like, I don't want you to kiss me on my cheek with like a mask kiss, Like I'd rather you just not even show up because to me it smells.

It would be the same as smelling or like being really hungry and smelling of food and just like smelling it and like and she goes really interesting that at anorexic describes like us as a food analogy, and I was like, well, that's what I used to do with food. I used to when I would starve and I couldn't have it, but I would watch the Food Network, which is a very common thing for people who have anorexia to watch food TV incessantly. I would read food magazines,

I would watch food TV. I would watch I would watch people eat you. All I wanted to do is be around food, play with it, but I didn't want to have it. And I feel like that's the same way I am with um with affection and like intimacy is like I want to get just to the close enough, but I don't deserve it. But I do it right now, feel like I deserve loves. I don't want to torture myself by being like close to Chris but not being

able to actually like have have him. Like but she was like, well tonight he can come and like you can hold your hand, like you could wash your hands right after, like you know, you know, to lick his hand, like there's things around it. So there are a lot of good epiphanies today. There's always dog. I'm going to talk about getting shushed through the rap. Okay, Donna start, and then I can kind of think about what I'm gonna do for my start. Start. You go, shorty, it's

your birthday, it's your birthday. I can ficture of him is bending down like a bat on the Super Bowl went down, and I was worried about the bar he was hanging on. I thought it was like one of those bars you put in the middle of your door, and I was like, it's gonna it's gonna fall. Go shorty, it's your birthday. We're going a party like GE's your birthday you. We're gonna sing kari yoke like we're sharing

crow cocaine. Cocaine on a Thursday. Everybody got up, get down, put the mask on, take it off, and bang me and eat my butt. But don't don't ever come back. I mean, I feel like we get such a we get inside the psychology of each other when we really freestyle and when you do those little ones. Coming out of the first break, we learned a lot. Okay, so I'm about to tell you about what happened. Wait, don't do that. No, don't, don't. Andrew was a really good

skill of doing this and repeating. But I'm gonna still do my rest. Okay. This weekend, I was in a van. I was driving to the airport with a man. There was also another woman in the car. She had her kid with her. We didn't go too far. We drove about an hour. Her kid was about eight. I was trying to be cool and trying to relate. We were talking about the weekend. We were talking about fun, we were talking about things, but we weren't talking about guns.

At one point, I referenced that the Wilco album helped me. It got me through the week. It was really something swell to me. So then healthy, it's really something healthy, thank you. So I'm talking about the album and I casually referenced that this week was hard. So I said it was hard and this album really helped me because last week was so brutal and I was feeling so many feelings. And then she looked back at me and was like, girl, cut it. Don't say that around my kid.

I haven't told him yet. And I was like, oh shit, am I a bad person? Did I almost talk about something terrible in front of this kid? It sounded like I was about to talk about a gangbang and she was like, he doesn't know about gang bang yet. But I'm not even making this a rap anymore because I just want to give my point across. I felt like a bad mom. I felt like a bad woman that I almost talked about a mass shooting in front of this kid. And then I was thinking, do kids even

know about this? The fact is they don't, and why shouldn't you tell them? Nothing you really say is going to prepare them. Sam Aarra's compared it to telling your kid about a plane crash. It's not gonna help your kid to know about a plane crash because most of the time you're not gonna be in a plane crash, and even if you are, just really not gonna be anything you could do about it. So don't talk to

your kids about the shooting. But I casually mentioned that last week was quote unquote hard, and she shot me a look like, do not mention why it was hard, and she pointed at her kid, and I felt shamed, and I felt like I'm a bad person. But then I just realist she was just being a good mom. She's protecting her son. She didn't want him to hear about it, and she doesn't know what this bitch in the backseat is gonna say. I'm a raunchy comedian, what's

she gonna do? So, um, it was really interesting. I don't know if you have kids out there, but I am wondering how you handle this whole situation, because it's really fucking weird. And I know that if I were in fourth grade and someone told me that a bunch of fourth graders got murdered in the classroom last week. I would be fucking scared of ship. So I would recommend to parents do not tell your kids about it, because it's just gonna give them anxiety. At that's the

end of my happy birthday, NICKI. Al Right, guys, thank you so much for listening today, and um, I love all of you. Thank you for the birthday wishes. If I don't get back to you, you know, it's not because I didn't see it or because I didn't love it, but it's because I'm overwhelmed. And I love you so much for all of it. And thank you for being my friends and my fans and Delbeka ni every birthday. You're so good at that. I'm pretty good. It made

me feel like we said at the same time. But you know, just yeah, god damn it.