#206 Nikki Glaser Day

kid learning things, and Tuesday is not easier either. Tuesday you would just think it's t us when you're a little kid. I would always say to it, Oh, have you ever seen the TikTok where they're like, uh, they hold up cards for a girl to say, and they're like t w I and she's like tweet there t w A, and then there t w U two, and then t w oh she's like two, and everyone last she said like twe what two? And then you really examine it, You're like, two is such a weird word

to spell it that way. There's no other t w words that just go too yeah, trying to think tot twat, tot no, it's all twitch, you know. I think they just ran out of I think I think t O and t O O was first, and then they were like, well, we gotta it could have been any word. It could have been. It could have been one, get three. I don't know why they're not having three letters and things. What do you mean why not t O O O three vowels? Just three letters? I mean it's a lot,

it's a letter to Why don't we just do? I mean that's what I was. I had written in my phone, you know how sometimes you write like a joke, idea or whatever, and I just have tired with thirty seven d's And I remembered, I keep going, what does that mean?

Tired with thirty seven d s? And then I realized it was like part of my joke making fun of young girls and how their instagrams do that little thing where they're just like they just like twitch a little bit and like the hair falls in their face and it's it's like a boomerang, but it's even it's a micro second. It's not even a it's not a boomerang,

is like a full second. These are like microL and then they always write like I'm tired with like thirties seventies and thirty seventies is also the size of their bra and then the viral for it and then be

able like dude, it's like genius. But yeah, there there is something about writing multiple letters in a thing that conveys tone via texting, you know, yeah, I feel like when people, um, I'm right out okay, not just UK, I don't know okay, yeah, or like the O n K, which one seems more passive aggressive to you okay without an exclamation mark is hell. It's the man of affirmative answers.

Okay spelled out too makes it feel It makes it feel like a grade school teacher, like it just seems so grammatically correct okay, because that is how you spell okay. Abby always writes out okay in our messages, and I always read it like okay, and it wasn't we give

so much tone to things like I just wrote. My assistant is having to change like a million flights because of just me you canceling my l a upping everything, and um, it's like her job now is just like calling airlines and saying like, we didn't mean to book that flight. Can we get a refund? And um, she had to do it again this morning because I found

it cheaper flights somewhere that was not available yesterday. And I just wrote back to her, fuck, like god, this is your job now, like you, I'm so sorry, and she just goes, what's wrong because so it's like, oh no, no, I just meant like I was just like sharing your consternation that you probably have, and she's like okay, And so I just made things worse by being like fuck because she thought something on my end happened. How do you feel about voice memos? Um, I'm a fan in

the sense that things don't get lost in text lation. Yes, you know, so you can. There's no tone and text usually people go to the worst tone possible unless you add an L O L and an emoji. There's so many times I add an L O L when there's not no need for an L O L. But the thing is that doesn't mean laugh out loud anymore. It just means don't read this in a sarcastic or that's

what it means. It's almost like the italics of it's just a way to like or or an exclamation mark really does that too, I think, but l O L makes it so gentle. Thank God for l O. I mean, we can roll our eyes about like oh, it's not really laughing. It a loud but that's what it is. It's just a short cut to be like, I come

in peace. It's like, um, it's the same way when you get someone and you either go or you go like yeah, yeah, that's a fun little honk when you like if you have a like like a just like can you just move like a look, can there between excuse me and someone in line and go oh excuse me. The problem is, though, is either A they won't hear the ha, so then you go again it and then you got to go another and then they lose their mind because it's like seven has which equals one huge ha. Yeah.

I hate getting at no matter what I mean. Usually they're right because I'm checking my phone and when I'm at a stoplight and they're probably in a hurry when they want to get there point zero seven seconds earlier than they would if I wasn't checking my phone. But they're right, and I always kind of look up and I go, oh, my God, you're right. And then I'm kind of embarrassed when they drive past me, and then they're embarrassed when I get right next to them at

the next light. You know, the rules of the roads of the road. Man, you forget all about it when when you live in New York City, you forget like driving and like just rules of the road. Like just I don't know, it's interesting that I went ten years without a car, like in my thirties. That's weird. I love driving so much, it's the best I miss it. Um are you thinking pan attacks driving on the highway sometimes in Florida? Like I don't know. Um, well, you

were getting panic attacks for everything? Kind of I got panic attacks like ride not you know my version of that, I don't want to it's not the same as other people's. But like, yeah, riding in cars and not having control. But but you driving yourself, that would be horrifying to get a panic attack while you're in control of a heavy machine. Almost like both Burnham saying he gets panic attacks while he's on stage. You go, how could that happen?

See one time? I got not one time? Multiple times? Yeah, on the highways. Then part of you wants to get off the highway to get rid of it, and the other party wants to drive faster to get home quicker one on the bridge once. No, that was Truman Show. Oh my god, that is the That's my one of my favorite movies. I have to remember that next time people are like, what's your favorite movie? Do you ever like just struggle to remember anything that is your favorite

when people seem to ask you for it every time time. Yeah, we started with that on the show when we do best Best Worst uff you. Yeah, and it's one of my favorite segments, by the way, Bottom one, Top one, Bottom one. I just want to give a shout out to the besties on Reddit who posted a thread about all of our top one, bottom one, saying it would be a great board game. Oh and they put it all together. Yeah, and they put it all together and like I have it in a spreadsheet, but it's all

spread out, but to like see it together. I love them. I don't go and Reddit, and I'm sorry that I don't get to go over to our thing. It's just to protect myself in case one douchebag says something wrong and it sucks that but you know that I'm in so many communications with besties on my d M s and that I feel like I am I am accessible to you guys. Um, if you really need me, I always will be. UM. I love uh the post we got on that you reposted that I hadn't seen yet

on our Nikki Glazer pod Instagram. No, I'm guessing you reposted the people with the merch like doing little dances and like so proud to be wearing the merch. It really touched me in a way that like, I don't know, I don't know how to describe it. It's different than I've been having fans for almost twenty years now, and

it's just a different It's just different. It feels so good, it's so cute, and I know what that feels like to be a fan of a show or like, um, just you know two three people like I just I know what it's like. So it Um, I guess it hits different. It's just so sweet. So thank you to everyone who bought merch, and thank you to everyone who you know participates in spreading the word of the show,

spreading the good word. I mean, we met a lot of busties this past weekend Austin Um, which we couldn't do meet and greets in Austin because it was a festival, so I apologized to any busties that were there. Um. And then we saw something that drove by us late at night. Remember that, Andrew, Yeah, yeah, it's funny, a little drive by shout out. That's always fun. And then um something because Houston, they weren't feeling they peeled a little.

It was a little peel. No. We met some really good, uh good fans and sweeties um out there, and I meant to remember their names and I remember faces though. It's just nice. Um. It's cool when like you don't expect like someone to be a fan and then you're like really what, like, yeah, how did we end up in your life? Like? Who was the girl that was first in line in Dallas? What was her name? She was fun? She was so funny. She was she was

like what she's such a huge fan. She she starts out what I mean, Andrew, do you remember what it started out as It started out as like, oh, no, this girl is gonna be trouble, but then it quickly turned into no, she is just excited and I love her energy. And she was saying she's referencing a lot of inside jokes. She was by herself, or maybe she was with a friend, but her friend had removed herself from the situation to be not embarrassed because she was

freaking out. And she's like, no, Andrew, you need to get in this picture too, because Andrew is taking pictures. What Andrew, do you remember what she said? She's like, I love you, Brenna kisses, I love you. Oh, I love the show somewhere like, yeah, a lot of Hamdred. We got a lot of hamdre. It's like just sometimes they're like, whisper it else? I remember she had the curse cut? Ever, what was it again? She she had, Oh my god, this was my favorite cut ever heard

because it involves could It's like an inception cup. So she would listen to our podcast in front of her ex boyfriend. I believe is what the case was, and she or no. She would say around her ex boyfriend. She would call it things out for being in front of him, not things that he was doing, things that she would see and he never asked what it meant. You don't know what could means. Yet your girlfriend's using this. You are trying to act like you might even know

it or you don't care. That was so cut. I fucking loved that cut so much. And then she was calling herself cut about something and I go, no, you were not. Oh no, there was something she did that was kind of that. Maybe it was in the audience that night or something. She was like and I was cut in this way, and I was like, yeah, that is cut, but like, but that was so funny to me that because I've done that before where I'm trying to get my boyfriend's attention, not my boyfriend now, but

like you know other boyfriends. He's the only boyfriend never ever had so choice him. Um uh no, I've tried to get attention by doing something and then they don't pick up on it, and you're like, can't, like you know this thing is like you've never heard of it before or you've never like come on, yeah, there's a I think she was called herself for Alfa being cooked because you know I post I posted that thing on

Instagram where like light laughers or whatever. So now I think like people think they have to laugh too loud for me, Like I'm like a like a make a wish kind of kid, and I'm like They're like, we laughed so loud that I think it was like annoying people how loud we were laughing. I was like, no, it's like I don't I get it that you're being very nice, but like I don't need the charity laugh of like I gave it extra for yet, like patting me on the top of the head, like for your

little pow boy, and it's like, yeah, that was nice. Laughs. Yeah. I just want people to laugh exactly the amount they want to. That's why I blurn my eyes because when you look at people, they just they it's a it's a tactic to get them to laugh harder. Well, you have to, it's up. I want I have the I try to have the lights down. I try to never go out in the audience because I never want to put pressure on people to have a better time than

they are. Really. I want people to have an authentic experience where they don't feel pressured to do anything they don't want to do. And there's something so great about eliciting laughs from people that could have could easily not laugh, you know, like there's something so special when you know when you're in a setting like that, there are so many factors that play into why are you laugh or

why you don't laugh? Like you know, in comedy clubs, everyone's bunched up as close as possible to the front because laughter is contagious and it will it will make you laugh if people are laughing and having a good time.

We've talked about some of the tricks, laughing at your own jokes, having little like cues like slapping your knee with a microphone like Chappelle does, Like there's little things that can make the audience, like you know, lacing your material with the word fuck like doing there's certain trick and there's also tricks that I'm employing throughout my set that you know, are just the ways that comedians learn how to talk in a way that's funnier than not talk.

Like I've learned, it's funnier for me to go like because old Glaze Dog needs at that instead of saying because I need to hear compliments, for me to say, for me to button up a joke about compliments that has no punchline, and I just finished it with like, because you know what, Old Glaze Dog needs a gobent that is funnier the amazing because I need a compliment. You know, there's tricks like that, but then there's really

deliberate ones that are just gross. Um. But I always am very touched when people have been watching say they watch something online or like on TV, and they're like, you had me like laughing alone in my apartment because there's no pressure on you to do that. Do you ever laugh alone, like when you're watching What was the last time you really like laughed at something by yourself? This is like one of those top one bottom one

moments where I have no idea. But the last season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, when I was okay, yeah, that's about I mean, you know that is the Woody Harrelson episode. I laughed the hard, Oh my god about him going out to the farm and like the cow and stuff. I laughed so hard at Molly Shannon's book. Andrew caught me on the plane laughing to myself because I couldn't help it. I read that book in two days. I am bragging. I fucking sped through it. It's a it's a big book and I read it. All is so good.

It's called Hello Molly. I really recommend it for a Mother's Day gift because it's all about her losing her mom at a young age and how her dad ended up being like her mother, and how that relationship is kind of sucked up. But it would be a really good gift for mother's I think, even though it's a tragic loss of a mom at the age of like six, she was because it's about in the you know, it's about her living her life to make her mom proud,

even though her mom was never there. So it's a beauty and it's a beautiful gift to give a woman because it's a really triumphant story about a woman who kind of a self made comedian like Superstar six, Superstar success, Like it's so beautiful. But I was laughing and the book made me cry within ten pages, like so so crying. It's really sad what happened to her and her family. You should read it to find out. It's called Hello

Molly Um. But I was laughing so hard at one part Andrew looked over me at me on the plane, and I wasn't trying to be like I'm laughing at a book. I'm smart. I was just laughing because she was describing the sketches. It was her The SNL chapters and she was describing some of the segments that I

had never even seen, like or I couldn't remember. I didn't remember Sally O'Malley, who is this woman that was based off of Her friend went to go like sign up for equinox or something, and her friend said that this woman was showing around and she was like, listen, I'm fifty and I can I can kick, and I can splits. I'm fifty. This is the way a woman who's fifty. And so she created this character who was like, and I can kick and I can stretch, and I'm fifty.

And so I was laughing so hard. Then I looked up all these sketches and I'm dying because it's there were so many. It's so funny to read about sketches, ones that you remember. Also once I was desperate too. I can only find transcripts of because she was like, you know, there's this one sketch where we were working at a Friday's and the way Will Ferrell said Welcome to Friday has made me laugh so hard, or like the way he said I'm Gerald, uh you know, uh Cunningham.

The third Welcome to t G I Friday. She was like I cracked up. I broke and so I'm looking for t J at Friday's Will Ferrell Molly Shannon. I can't find it, so I just find the transcript. But it's, Um, it's really I I really went through a depression after reading that book because I lost my friend Molly, who was talking to me for two days like straight. It's it's a real thing that happens to me with books

that are really really good. In that one, I like suffered for a couple of days afterwards of being like, I wish I could talk to my friend and she has my friends she gave you know, she reached out to me on d M. But I don't want to bother her. But I fucking love that book so much. Um, and I want to talk to you when we get back from break next week. A week from tomorrow, I am. It's Nicki Glazer Day in St. Louis, and I'm doing something very special when we're gonna talk about when we

get back. Andrew, Hey, everyone, come on down, down and I found out. Now come down, frown calf down. We're back. Um this weekend, we're going to be in New Orleans Friday or Thursday night. One of the either Fort Lauderdale or Jacksonville Friday night, m either Fort Lauderdale or Jacksonville Saturday night and then Jacket okay Friday, yeah, okay, twenty

twond is Fort Lauderdale. I think that's Friday Friday, uh, and then jackson Saturday and Nashville on Now, Andrew is, are we gonna have any family coming out to these shows? It's for Villa and sent and it was close to where you come from and Port Luisie. You know my boy in Nashville, Jake Owen plus one think one's coming out. He's bringing the whole honky talk William. Oh, you know what I'm gonna You know, I'm gonna ask Jake going

about something that I've been bothering you about before. Oh shit, you know. I did a deep dive as I do about Taylor Swift and who she's dating, who different songs are about. And I did read that she wrote one song about Jake Owen. I believe I forget what will you look up? Noah, which song that is? I don't know why I'm talking about Dr Phil I am doing his podcast later today. Um I will be on Dr Phields podcast. I will be on. Asked Chelsea that podcast

is coming up soon. Whitney Cummings that podcast is up already, the one that we talked family consolations. I have like forty five minutes left. Oh my god, so you have one tenth of it left. It's so I'm so glad. It's great. Whitney and I both we have this thing that after a podcast we've done. I've done her podcast now four or five times. After a podcast, we always walk out and we go that was that was like

not good? Right? And I go listen, it doesn't even matter, like, you don't have to put it up, and she goes, I just was like, not present. I just got some bad family news, which she talks about on the show, so I'm not divulging anything that she didn't divulge. And she's like, and I go, you don't have to put it up, Like, I just want to hang out with you. I don't care if you like we can just trash it like that. Sometimes you do a bad podcast and

we're both like was that bad? And then Emily, her producer, is like no, it was good, and we're like no that, and I go, Whitney, I just realized we have this conversation in your immaculate, beautiful marble foy you every single time that we think this is ship and then week and then you always find out it's like one of the best podcasts that your fans love. And then she

sends she sends her podcast. I think to her cousin like her niece to listen to, to like test them, and her niece wrote back, like she sent it to me. She's like, I think it's good to go, because her niece was like, this is the best podcast. So you have great chemistry. I think, yeah, we we really do. We're both really chatty ladies. It's amazing that anyone gets a word in. But um, she she I'm I'm a

little gay for her. I gotta be honest. She is so beautiful, And I said at the beginning of the podcast, I thought I was like, I was having fantasies of making out with you today. It's really bizarre, and I say that it's totally someone who is in a happy relationship. I just think she's so beautiful and I'm so I

feel so loved by her. It's really weird, Like I feel like I don't know why I want to make out with someone who I feel maternal towards or that she feels maternal towards me, but then she hooked me up with all that Taylor Swift stuff. Anyway, it's interesting. Sparks fly, sparks fly. Okay, yeah, so what's the song about. Let's go through the let's let's listen to the lyrics,

or let's hear let's talk about the lyrics. Yeah, when you just started off, I'll be able to pick up and just how it opens, the way you move is like a full on rainstorm and was like full on rainstorm and not a house of cards. I think it's the it's that's off. But you're the kind of reckless that should send me running. But you're the kind of reckless that could send me running. But I kind of know that I won't go far. I kind of no,

I won't go far. No, no, no, it's too much because honestly, he's been asked about this before, and this is going to be a conversation I have with him offline that he feels safe that I won't talk about it, even thoughts will, I'll fashion I gets so he won't be applied chorus. Okay, uh, drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain. Everything now, meet me in the pouring rain, Kiss me on the sidewalk, Take away the pain because I've seen sparks fly whenever you walk by.

Hit me with those greens, baby and the lads, So Brad, it'll sounk you win. You're not around because I see sparks fly whenever you use smile? Is that right? Yes? Does he have green eyes? He does green? And you're gonna write a song about a honky tonk your friends with the guy named Andrew from high school or college and don't remember which. He's gonna do a podcast with Nicky Glazer and she's gonna sing the song off key a honky donk. We're going down down to the honky Okay.

So Nicky Glazer Day in St. Louis is coming up this next Thursday. There's a Cardinals game. The Mayor's assistant mayor can't make it, but the mayor's assistant is gonna grant me a star are somewhere and I'm gonna get a fucking food item named after me. I'm gonna be the I'm gonna get the key to Ballpark Village, which is like this whole area near the stadium that is where people fans, Cardinals fans go. I'm gonna get get the key to it. I don't know what I'm gonna

do with that key. I just want to go in janitor's closets and stuff. I'm like, I'm like a janitor for the day, Like I got access to anything. What is it? But like what does it get you into? Like what is it? I don't know, like the different garages and like I just feel like, you know, it's just the Ballpark Village, key to the ball not to the city, to Ballpark Village, the best part of the city.

It's a great little place. You know. Cardinals fans are huge like this, you know, we're there some of the best fans maybe ever, and so it's just it means a lot. And they're doing this whole day called Nicki Glazer Day at the stadium. They wanted to do like my face on like these little cardboard things so everyone in the audience could like have my face on theirs. But I just thought that would maybe be too much, and I just felt like, I don't some people are

gonna be like, who's Nicky Glazer? Fuck this bitch, Like we love John hand. We don't want I just throwing out the first pitch, which the cardboard. I mean, are you going to practice? And my day is Nicky Glazer Day for Thursday, So I I help. I know Chris helped you throw we help. I helped you in the green room. You already have gray form. So I and I appreciate like I got validated from two men that I really trust when it comes to form in sports

form sports. These guys are both NBA's natural born athletes. That's what I call NBA's um. And so I'm throwing out the first pitch. I asked them if I could sing the national anthem, which given my rendition of spark slide today, I don't see why they wouldn't want to do that. But they said they just ignored that, and

they kept saying first pitch. And so I was like, can I just go out with the Cardinals girls in short shorts and like stand on the ug out and like do the little slingshot for like T shirts and like, you know, just do a dance with fred Bird. Please not the first pitch. I don't want to. You guys don't understand. I don't like you do understand you know me. I don't like balls. I'm like that girl in Clueless. Um My surgeon said I shouldn't have balls flying at my face. Well, so I do not. I don't like

catching balls, I don't like throwing them. I always feel like I'm just such like I'm a joke. Like people are just like, oh my god, she through that like a girl, you know, even though that's like a compliment, because I love being a girl that did that to that. So the only person I'm really okay being vulnerable about my lack of athletic prowess in front of it when it comes to someone I really respect athletically is Chris.

I do not invite Andrew into this because I just until the other until I got validation from Chris that I had good form, I would not have ever shown it to Andrew because I just don't know why. Chris, I know, will love me no matter what. I know. Andrew wilts too, But I just feel like Andrew will laugh at me, whereas Chris won't laugh at me. He'll just like help me. But I feel like Andrew will be helping me through giggles of how bad I am.

I think I proved myself. I think I proved myself that I didn't giggle in your face, but I went in. I was good. So the other night Chris came over and he had he has a little ball that he keeps here that he rolls out on his shoulder and stuff roll out, and he and I started throwing it, and he just taught me. He just was like, just throw it. He was like, okay, well that was straight. But my question, yes, did he stand behind you and like put his hands on your hands? And oh my god,

the movie fever pitch. It would have been so hot. No, he didn't do that. Andrew did though, and I go, why are we doing? No? Uh no, no one did that for me. They just Chris taught me a thing where I stepped back with my left foot, I rotate my right, my right foot to out, I raised up my left foot. It's like, you know, just to do a little funny thing beforehand that looks like I'm like, you know, just a little performative thing, and then wind up and throw and then I should spit on the ball.

Yeah that's what I I just don't want to oh yeah, I want to do like a cartwheel or like a back back bend. Or like I don't know, I saw someone Vials too. It's like why would I try to

do anything someone Viles? Does you know what you should do? Honestly, I think when you get up there face towards second base and then go oh fuck, like just a quick like you're facing the wrong way and you catch it, it's almost too obvious that so wrong it would be funny or to do something that's like like a very like an earnestly like something I would get wrong that I would never get wrong. You know what I'm saying. I know you're saying it's like so exaggerated that's funny.

But that's my point. Yeah, Like is that it's just so like like if it was like a little bit too long that you were just facing what if I was like licking my fingers and you know, doing the thing under my eye? Like is there any kind of like funny anyway? Oh? You could pretend to have like vassiline all over, like like a lot of pictures will

hide like vasoline and like they're like going sweat. No, I don't want to be filthy because St. Louis already is kind of like are we letting this fucking horror on Okay, you know Christian baseball field. So so then Andrew and I threw around Matt pond sock. Last in um Dallas, We're thrown around COVID and we and Andrew said it was good. He was impressed by me. It was a sock. I mean, what what are we gonna do? And he gave me some tips that were really good.

Was like, losing is lighter than a ball, Yeah, but it was easier to like really try to throw it as hard as possible, whereas if I was indoors trying to I just there's a part of me that's so scared of breaking things that I just never will throw it as hard as I can lest it's something that I know won't hurt anyone. Um. And he taught me to like loosen up my arm because I was kind of like all bunched up and like. And then yesterday

Chris picked me up and brought me. We got we went and played catch in forest Park and we played catch for like an hour and I'm so good. I hate to brag, but I'm really good. And we were doing it from sixty and a half feet away, which is like is not going to be the distance that I'm gonna have to do it because that's the distance between the UM you know, the pictures, mound and home plate. But they're going to come in for me a little bit further. And I think Chris was like, I think

you tell him to stay. I think you do six. I think, yeah, I'm gonna. I think it'd be funny if I just go no, go back. And then yeah, did you see the video of UM baseball that hit the I think the pictures, but yeah, did you see that video? So hot? It like he was like j Lo, it was like so hot. It was like a juicy ass. That ball was crying and he kind of like yeah, yeah, the ball slung half Yeah, Noah has it right here. Look.

I like how he gives it a little boom and he was able to get that hand out in front. I want to do that bang picture. That is like a luscious ass. That's an insane ass. There's girls that would go to baseball games at two Lane just to see that. Ask those pants really a stuate the ass. Women don't go to they're wrong going for it. It's just an added perk. No, they go because they think they might have a chance of fucking those guys. But they don't go just to ogle. I'm telling you they were.

I had friends, there were a lot of baseball groupies that love the tight pants with the app But they also think they have a chance of sucking those guys. That's why they if they well that's mainly that's two different things, because if the if the chance to fuck them was out of the equation, then it wouldn't happen, like if they were just aggling, Like if they could go watch it on a screen where it was just close ups of their asses, they probably wouldn't watch it

from home. Do you know what I'm saying. I get what you're saying, but I don't. I don't think they stand alone. I think i've I've oggled before. I get it, but I would not. You just would look up if you google Google. Uh, halle Berry looking at Kobe Bryant at the Yeah, but that's because she has a chance to Kobe Bryant for sure, But she did so anyway, I will say how I feel. I'm really good. We threw for an hour, and I will say that I got I threw to him straight and it wasn't always

sixty ft away. It was usually like more like forty. But I will say that I got I was. I threw straight of the time, maybe five and I got it within inches of his mit sev the time, like it was, it was undeniably. I'm good and like I have good Like I my arm is is weaker than my aim, but my aim is good. That's all I want to do is really throw it straight. So what I know now is that despite so I get to do it one time, you know, I don't get to like I can warm up a little bit, but it's

gonna be scared. Like if I if I get to throw five pitches, then people would be like, wow, she's good. If I pick up one time and do the one bad one, because one out of every you know, I would say ten percent of the time, it's a fucking bad one. You know, I just like throw it into the ground or whatever. So but what I know is that my boyfriend, who I really care about him, you know, being proud of his lady, he can be proud of me already and know what I'm He knows what I'm

capable of. I don't I'm capable of. And it doesn't matter if you throw too far. It will look cooler than coming up short. So if I were you, I would aim high because no one's expecting a girl to be able to throw it like seventy ft. And if you were like, sorry, I'm too fucking strong, no one's going to laugh at that. Because I just want to throw it dead straight. I'm okay if it goes a little short, but yes, I will aim to throw it

because I could. If I throw it straight on, I won't go sixty ft, but if I do it a little pop up style, it'll go the sixty and a half. So I'm going to go for throwing it a little bit higher. Yes, even though it looks a little bit more girly, but I I really am aiming for like, wow, that was right on his mit. Because my aim isn't really good, I will think, I mean, I don't know

what to compare it to. Who knows. Maybe everyone's this good, but um, I felt, you know me, I only do things that I feel like, oh, I'm actually like better than this than most people. And I felt my aim because my dad used to practice with me with frisbee. He said, if you hit me on the chest and he'd be sixty feet away. I'll give you fifty dollars, and so we would always he would just stand there with his chest and I think I want it in time, but we were I was, you know, I know aim

in that sense. Okay, let's get to the news. It's Wednesday, folks. You know what that means. It is Wednesday. I hope you're having a good time out there. It's a hump the day of the week. It's the middle of the week, it's the top of the week. It's coming on back down, but it will come back up there in the weekend. Who knows, maybe not, but I hope you're having all the swells out there. And I don't think no one's going to take it away. Here we go take it there.

Just a friendly reminder to go to Nicki glazer dot com slash tour for Nikki's tour dates, and it's also on the fully Loaded Comedy Festival. You've got a couple of dates on those, yes, and I have also extended, if not on the fully Loaded Burt tour, but on my tour. If you go alone and write me going alone in all caps, but in only that message, don't write something after it, because I only see the one

last message you said. If you started with going alone in all caps and you tell me you're going alone to a show, I will give you free meet and greet on me for being brave enough to go alone, and I will bump you up to a v I P meet and greet. So just DM meet going alone all caps if you want to go alone to any of the shows that aren't on the Burt tour um and that is my gift to you for being brave

enough to go alone. Going alone all caps, give me your full name and what show you're going to and boom, they'll be at the box office. No other no other requirements. All right, so the first story I have to say, thanks to bestie. She goes by wit for brains on Instagram. Alright. Several meaningful kindergarteners consumed a pre mix tequila drink marked as adult lemonade at snack time in their Michigan school. Good for them, so poison could fall, No student needed

medical attention. They were doing a line. Yeah, well it had ten percent alcohol, which is come of a lot. That's a lot. And why was it out there like just like labeled like so easily. I bet one of them brought it from home. Yeah, so a student brought it from home. Um. The spokesperson from the school said it's unfortunate that these types of adult beverages can easily

be mistaken for child friendly drinks. Yes, especially when it says adult on it and you're a little kid and you want to feel adult, or you don't even know what the word adult means and it says lemonade. And you know, things are labeled in such cute ways. You know that. Remember that the drink on Summer House that that guy sells lover Boy, that is a that's a little girl's Like I would be obsessed with that packaging

and stuff as a little girl. And so you know what, man, As someone who doesn't drink anymore, I get jealous of anyone who accidentally consumes alcohol and just gets to have a little fun buzz. Even kids who have developmental like brains are still developing. One little drunk ee episode is not gonna It's just going to be a good story for the rest of their lives. So good. I never had a white claw. Have you ever had a white claw? No,

you should do that now, I know. I guess I could have a white are you done drinking, Like, what's your status right now? Are you going back on the really? Like I just want to be healthy right now? Yah? Yeah, you don't want to do anything that affects your immune system. Yeah, so I don't know, I'll probably Yeah, I don't have a white claw. You gotta do my claw within this month. I'm gonna have one white claw. Hell, yes, dude, And I'm gonna drink you with fives truly, or a kombucha,

even a full blast kombucha would be yummy. I'm just like rings like Dad's heroin. He's like, oh, I thought it was. It was so jealous, like we thought it was the kid's kind you injunct into your asshole. What was your science experiments? I just did moniest fucking one ever. We do this later. I don't know this is actually appropriate with this. I was in chemistry class. I did not understand anything about, you know, chemical reactions, and we had to do we had to pitch a product that

was based on the assignment. Was you create a product that you're selling almost like shark tank, where there's a there's a chemical reaction that happens in the product. All right, So the only chemical reaction I knew of the easiest one was baking soda vinegar boom volcano. Right, we all we all know that this is tenth grade and so like this is volcanoes, that chemical action is so like elementary. But I was like, I can still use it. It passes the test of this thing. So I came up

with the product. This is honestly so funny. It was. I bought a baby doll, the hollow baby doll. I put baking soda inside the baby doll. After I took off its head, put the head back on, I uh made a hole in its mouth. And it was a baby doll that taught kids about the dangers of drinking alcohol. And then I put vinegar and like with like a beer on the bottle. And then I was like, you know, this is a baby doll that you give your children to teach them like alcohol is bad for you and

makes you sick. And so I poured I was like, baby loves beer, and I poured it into the baby starts spewing up everywhere. It was a doll that dare teachers could take around to schools to teach kids. And I got a you know, a plus plus because of creativity more so than the chemical reaction that I had to also explain on the white board. I think, you know, that's a great invention. I really like that invention. Thank you, thank you. I'm really really creative with I had some

great school projects. What about you. I've told you this. I mean I was a little less creative with this one. I Uh. I brought in a few different kind of fruits, and I had people plug their nose to see if taste, if smell effects taste. So the idea was they clamped their so they can't smell. And so here's the thing though, I forgot the clamp, so I just blindfolded them. Well they get plugged their nouse. I guess they could have,

but they didn't. So I just blindfolded them and they were like, yeah, that's an orange, that's an apple, that's an orange. Yeah. Uh. They were all fifty for fifty, like it was literally, there was no The hypothesis is

that I'm a fucking moron. And the conclusion was I was right by literally like you would think by like forty eight like of them going that's an orange, I would have stopped, but I think I stuck with it too because like I had to be confident about how bad you know what I mean, Like, yeah, I was like yeah, I was like by thirty, I was just like, I know this is wrong. I would see the guy in class leaned back in his chair to be kin.

Then he'd fall over and he'd be like I loved it, I want to do it again, and you're like, no, you didn't, and you've funked up, and now you're like embracing it like it was meant to be. We used to make fun of that guy so much, all right, Andrew study finds that American men's penises are only the fifty ninth biggest in the world, beaten by Haitians, Australians, and French whoa out of country country. Here's the sch long list. Oh wow, so equator six point nine three

inches average. Wait we're not seeing. I'm not seeing the whole thing thing is zoomed in. Yes, So Ecuador comes in at number one with six point nine three. It goes Ecuador, Cameroon, Bolivia, su Dan, Haiti, France. Although all these, all these countries, I will say, have um their foreskin still, which I bet ads point three I wrecked, I know,

but they so their four skin gets pulled back. Okay, yeah, okay, So I mean I feel like in any country that might be a little smaller where everyone is pretty much similar, so you're gonna get similar sized dicks. America, you have so much diversity, so you could have Well do you think about if we didn't have so much diversity it was just all the white man, we would be a lot lower. Average length numbers six thousand the average length

of an American man's penis countries. Yeah, according to the study that the Sun posted about, it has to be oh or something five point three five. That can't be right. That's the average in US. Yes, so that makes sense. That's a that's a decent size. That's that's a decent size. That's you don't know penis length. You always like, you guys draw it at this comedy cellar, and you know, I know what it is. I'm saying, I know you think that that's small. No, no, but I'm saying, I'm

saying what you think five point three? I get a ruler because I know what six inches is? Six inches is this whenever you draw dicks on the on the Yeah, we were drawing big dicks though. Andrew we knew that. I know dick a whole special about how my boyfriend's penis was average and how he should be proud of it. I know what an average penis is. Okay, but but okay,

how many countries do you think there are? Don't look, guys, don't look because I just looked it up because I kind of didn't know in the world, no, in the universe, in our country, how many countries are? Right? I know? I think, oh yeah, I'm gonna go with I'd say there's a million, Okay, Um, I think like in the three hundreds. It's so funny. I would have guessed like two forty, I think. Okay, but that we don't know that. Oh yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, who is the

smallest dicks? No? Is there anyone or who's the smallest on the list? Yes, that was included, but I didn't wait to disparage anyone, so I didn't come on. What kind of small ticks are not a bad thing? I love it, really did together. I believe it was Cambodia that came in last. Cambodia. Okay, Oh yeah, I don't want to do the whole like Asians have small penises, they and tired, and also I don't think true, but

if it is, who gives a fuck? My whole special is turning into I just want to do a whole special about guys with small penises and now they should be proud. There was a lot. I posted something on my Instagram yesterday from the Lesser the account that said, uh, let me see if it's still up there one second. They should make they should make a thing that goes around your penis that like maybe like I don't know, like a like a peg for your penis, but you

don't they have that really? Yeah, like like an extension for the penis that men can wear. Yeah they Yeah, they've read everything. Um, they have everything. You feel the I wonder if you could feel blessa company? Ballessa co on Instagram. I posted this on my story. I've never gotten so many reactions to something I put on my story than this. It was a tweet from just k y ten eighteen says when men learned the vibrator as

their teammates and not the competition, society will heal. And I had so many guys writing to me being like yes, girl, being like hey, I allow that? Will you dat me? And then I had so many girls writing to me, including one who I'm not going to reveal who it was, but it's someone um who I think I know personally. It's one of those internet friendships that you don't know if you've met personally. But um, she said, my boyfriend doesn't believe she goes a percent. My boyfriend doesn't believe me.

I said, not, okay, she goes. Alpha males are insecure. L O L. I said, I won't have sex without them, meaning alpha males now meaning vibrators. She said, I bring it out always. The weird thing is every other guy that didn't um, I want to be my boyfriend never had a problem with it. L O L. I said, guys need to understand that these toys do not replace them. We need them to make these toys work best. I would rather have a guy in a vibe over a

vibe alone any day. She said, exactly. And it's a compliment. We want to share it with them. I said, they don't make guys absolutely, we need them to hold them. And she said, yeah, I get I get off more often when he's not when he's involved with you know, with the toy. She goes, my hand gets tired holding it, um. And then I said, it's so nice to have someone

do it, and she said, and they're learning to. I'm all about it, um, And it just sucks that there are any girls like this girl is like a cool, sucking, opinionated, funny girl that is dealing with a guy who's insecure about that. It's just like, I think that just sets the stage for a lot of insecurity elsewhere in the relationship. It makes me nervous when they're when guys have that

hang up, But I get it. We just need to dismantle it by telling the truth, because I think guys just it would be like if a guy had a fuck doll and you would take offense to that somehow, And maybe we don't understand it fully. I don't know. If I was having sex with a fun doll underneath your ass, would probably wouldn't be Yeah, I don't know, I like doll. I know. No, It's like, I'm what if the guy, okay, what if Okay, here's a scenario.

You're hooking up with the guy he can't orgasm, he goes, he has to go roll over and have sex with the fun doll to come in front of you. Hot. I would say I would be fine with that too, because I would say it's not me, it's not because

human woman. I would no, but would be nothing like you. Well, I get your joke, but I really do think that I wouldn't care because I would go this guy has been trained to get off with this fun doll when I haven't been in his life, and I he it's not just my vagina, it's no girl's vagina like this thing. I can never be the same vagina as a fun doll. I would never feel I would never feel jealous of a thing, of a piece of in bed with him. Yeah, and I could suck a stick all. I could kiss

him while he's sucking the fun like. There's things that I can bring to the fund situation that alone, the fund would not provide for him, even if it's in

the in the closet, going back every time. I don't care because because I understand that men have sexual dysfunction and just as women do dysfunction, meaning we have been trained to get off on our own when we're single with these toys, and we have become addicted to porn, addicted to toys and are and I've raised the bar for what how much pressure I need on my vagina and how much stimulation I need And it's because of toys.

And that doesn't mean that I should now have to like, like, you know, it's like salting your food like it would be. It's embarrassing. Chefs don't like it when you salt your food. But it's like, well, bit, I don't have a chef cooking for me all the time, so I've grown accustomed to really salty food and I'm gonna salt this fucking dish. And you shouldn't take offense to it. It's just you

should wean yourself off and attempted. But it should not be offensive to you that because he would be with a fun doll if he wanted to be with the fun doll. If a guy is with you or a girl is with you, they are not If you think they're with you for a reason other than being with you, that's a whole other thing. But they just trust them to not be with you if they don't want to

be with you. That's just mine. The guy I think I have the joke about, you know, feeling like Woody from Toy Story with all the new dicks showing up and like, yes, I think both can be true that like I love like using it and having it as

like a tag team partner. I really do. And at the same point, I'm a little insecure where it's like, oh, but I can't do it on my own without my tag team partner who might be better than me at what he's doing that as a guy that can't come like needed your hand like the same way, Yeah, and I do, and like I would say of me, is teamwork all the way? Yeah, it's still a little into so I think, you know, I think if guys can,

you could come at guys won't come at guy. But in that angle of being like, look, I get it, you can still be insecure, but also like look at as a teacher. Yes, it doesn't have to be like you have to. Yeah, don't be insecure your pussy for insecut No trust that you're insecure, but you know, realize it's coming from places that maybe you need to work on outside of the bedroom and it's not that you know, um,

but yeah, not being critical of being insecure. Play baseball catch it's like what are you gonna catch with your bare hand? Or you need a mitt? Like amit? What are you mad at the mit don't be mad at them. I'm catching. I'm catching with my pussy pump. It has like a good hollowed out cove that I can catch the Yeah, that would be hilarious to be like, okay, they'd be like, can we make it Jenna Jamison day instead of this whore. Um, Okay, we gotta take a

quick break. We're gonna come back with why do I Care? All right, we're back. Why do I Care? Why do I Care? Another story submitted by a couple of besties, I'd love to a swift e. Scientist names a new millipede specie after Taylor Swift. This got sent to me by A Lee who we talked about yesterday. Who's the one that gave Andrew the advice about the COVID medicine.

At Lee sent this to me yesterday. I wouldn't handle it because it is combining the thing I love most in the world with the thing I love the least. Filipedes and centipedes are my number one and two and um house centipedes, millipedes the fact that the work does buy them something. So what is it called? Alright, So this new millipede species is nonarrhea swift a which uh is um oh man. I didn't put it. It goes

because I'm a Taylor Swift fan. Okay, So in his tweet, he goes, I'm a big fan of her music, so I wanted to show my appreciation by naming this new species from Tennessee after her. Hi. Well, she is also you know, from Tennessee. Now she is originally from Pennsylvania. But I love this. I would probably do the same thing. When I was asked what Cardinals Jersey number I wanted, I picked thirteen because I'm a swifty and that's swift ease,

that's the number. I almost picked nineteen because I used to be my favorite number because one nine is Dave Matthew's birthday. But I have let that go funky and so at thirty, I would probably do the same thing. I have to say that lately, I don't know how to say this. My Taylor Swift obsession has been relaxing, and I don't know why. It's maybe just I still love her, I still consume everything. The obsession, though, is there's just less of a like, I don't know what's happening.

Maybe I'm maturing. Finally, I don't know what's going on, but I don't when I go. I don't need to listen to her constantly. I don't need to because also we haven't had a lot of new music in a while, and also none of her songs I'm happy right now, so number her songs besides are really hitting it for me.

This is a typical pattern with obsession, by the way, like if you took a graph and you have you know, like how much you're obsessed versus time, the line always shoots up like straight up, so you can't maintain I've maintained this obsession for a really long time. And I also have loved much before Dave Matthews Band and yeah, Phoebe Bridgers. I'm very much into right now. I've talked

about a little bit. It's she's not even close to replacing Taylor at this point, um, but I just I'm for some reason, I've been really into just new music and um music really by people who are inspired by Taylor, Olivia Rodrigo as well, like these are all kind of disciples of Taylor Swift that have come out of uh, what she's made. So and also I'm really into like Girl in Red, I'm into um and King Princess. I'm

so into King Princess. I am into sad girl rock, but I'm into lesbian sad girl rock more specifically Girl in Red and King Princess, Are and Fletcher I'm I'm into as well. They're all uh, they're all lesbians, and there's just something badass about these girls who are singing about women. There's this one song, Oh Teak and Sarah I've I've loved forever. I fucking love them so much, but um, I uh, the Girl in Red does this song Calls and I had a dream about it last night.

Um it's it's called girls, and she goes, They're so pretty it hurts. I'm not talking about boys. I'm talking about girls. They're so pretty with their buttoned up shirts, and it's just all about like, I know I should be into this guy, but these feelings like she's talking about, like I'm supposed to like guys, but I like girls. I love these songs, and it's I think it's not because I'm like India girls or whatever. People keep writing

me being like are you coming out? Because I made a post on Andrew's post that I said, you know, I appreciate him being a straight friend to a straight a straight man being a good friend to a straight and I put a question mark woman. I do believe I'm fluid and could be into girls. I don't think that I'm mostly gay or anything like that. But um, I don't know if you out there have any recommendations of any other lesbian rock I love or like indie rock.

Melissa Etheridge, I fucking love her. She has the songle I Want to Be in Love where in the music video she is hitting on Jennifer Anderson and it's one of the hottest music videos ever. Um so check that out. Let's get to our Wednesday game, which is a wild card. We haven't played it for a while. It's time for

finish my sentence. Finished my sentence is I was sounding like I was gonna say brought to you by but it is brought to you by Noah's brain today because she was like, we should do finish my sentence, and uh, Andrew and I will try to complete each other's sentences what we think we would say for each other, and then we will weigh in on how well we know each other. Alright, what is a sentence? Noah today has finished my sentence is the bad bad habit I wish

I could let go of. Is all right? Who would like to go first? I'll go first as Andrew. Yes, Hi, guys, I'm Andrew. Yeah, what's up out there? What's up out there? Guys? What's up? Okay? Okay, okay, here we go, Here we go. So I'm pretty cool. The bad habit I would like to get rid of is putting on calling my mom h and and just like procrastinating on uh on on calling my mom. It's probably the bad habit that I would like to just have lifted. Did I just like

figures or ears out for you? Yeah? That was yours too. I mean, honestly, it's my aunt Sally. But yes, I'm protecting. Why is my mom? Why is it hard? Because you know, my mom's sick and so and yeah, it's hard to hear. It's hard to be confronted with that, and yeah, it's it's tough. Also, she's silver for twelve years now or so and so, and you fall off the wagon and you're just why don't you just down a couple of white claws and give her callings? Maybe that would be

the Curt Scholar. I drink too many I forgot uh I whye clawed that phone? What do you think about my prediction? What do you mean? Does it ring true for you? Or is there one that you definitely rings true? I mean no, it's so funny that it rings so true because I just had, you know, my birthday, my mom called me. I didn't call her back. You know,

I was dealing with COVID and ship whatever. But and then she You know, the thing that parents do is maybe they won't call you for like five weeks, and then they'll call you two days in a row and go, well, why don't you call me back? It's like, well, this isn't like an ongoing thing, like what are we doing here? Like this is why I don't at times because now you're gonna make me feel bad because I didn't call back with it. And then I play that all up in my head and I'm like, oh, well now I'm

holding Now I'm waiting. Too many times I've done that where you know what I found though, and maybe this is this isn't just advice to you, because I know you get it, but I've been such a person that forgets to write back emails, for doesn't return calls and then I wait too long and it gets to the point where if I do, I have to address the fact that I haven't, and so you just ghost that person.

I really have found that saying to the person either in the email that you write back to, I have an email that I have to write today, actually to a fucking executive at HBO, who is someone that could give me a TV show. I haven't written back to her because it was just such a big deal. I mean, here's what I wrote to Bill Maher. I'll give you

an example. So, Bill Maher, I'm not trying to brag, but this is just an example of like, why would't I rive it back to Bill fucking mar And the truth is because the ones you don't write back to are generally the ones that mean the most. It's not that they mean the least. It means they mean the most. And you can actually say that if it's true for you. So I wrote to him recently, hold on, let me

just pull this up. Um. So he wrote me, and then I I didn't get back to him, uh for six days, which to me is a long time, especially with like I just with Bill like it was. It was. It was something worried if he wrote because no, well, we've had past interactions which haven't gone smoothly on email, but we are so past that. Like he's a good I feel I consider him like we signed off, like I love you, like I love Bill Maher, like he

is someone a dear friend. At this point after our trip, I said, Bill, for whatever reason, I always put off writing you back because I still have you on a pedestal. Uh in parentheses, you're not coming down anytime soon. And then I just keep waiting until I feel like I have time to really make myself sound as cool and as smart as possible. Then it just gets to the point where it seems like I'm not writing back because I don't care, which honestly might be the coolest look possible.

So I guess my system works. Kidding it's so lame of me. But just like, I would never take it personally if you want Oh, he had written me that he had to unfollow me because he had to wipe his Instagram clean, and he was like, hey, I unfollowed you don't think don't read into it, I said, but just like I would never take it personally, if you want followed me, I hope you don't take my lag in response as anything other than me being in my own head about being friends with someone who I idolize.

I said. We can talk all about all of this and more on the podcast. I can't fucking wait to hang out with you again. Thanks for having me. Love you, Nikki, And it just I guess, just being honest about it, Like even you know my aunt Sally, who I dread every day. I'm gonna get a call that she's dead, and then I'll regret not talking to this cookie woman who talks very slow, which is hard for me to talk to someone who talks slow. But she has a fucking she said seizures that my her dog like this.

But she's so funny and so cool, and I don't call her. She calls me all the time, and I always let me go to voicemail. I don't even have

a voice bail anmore because she can't. She can't even read leave me a voice message, and I I think that the solution is to She never gives me shit about it ever, But I think it's just being honest and being like Sally, I love you so much, and I get sad talking to you because I feel like I should call you more and I want you to be happy, and it just just you know, just being

honest about the overwhelming part of it. Does that is that something that you could do to your mom Andrew and just be like, I kind of get scared that you're gonna give me shit about not calling you, and that's maybe why I delay even more. And I'm really you know, yeah, And I've had that conversation before in

the past, and I've been honest about that. I do think also there's something to like putting Bill Maher on a pedestal, or if I put like, you know, I got back to Jake Ohen like, but like, why am I not getting back to my own mother? It's like why are we putting these celebrities whatever? And I know they're head of like people that like really matter to you. And partly is because because you, yeah, okay, let's get to mind. We you we you do mind? I think you.

I mean I could have the same one. So my yeah, the sentences, the bad habit wish I could let go of is you have to say I'm maybe Blazer, Hi, I'm Nikki, I'm the one that you know again throws a baseball and stuff. Whatever I'm having like dating. It's like I have like a key coming at me about like ballpark, village whatever. It's not a big deal. My name is going to be on top of a sign on top of a building I know one'll ever see anyhow, um no, my my biggest um. I would say, wait,

what was the word? I'm sorry now I forgot the sentence I was going on that bad habit maybe would be maybe being a little two judgmental of uh, someone's significant other right when I meet them. Wait wait, oh oh, I see what you're saying. Oh right now, I'm not We're not talking about Brenna, by the way, I think people are anything I'm talking about. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, um no. I love that part of me, and I think I'm right. I'm not looking to get rid of

that at all. Know, when my friends are in a bad relationship, no, within minutes, I give, I give you know. And this is also formulated from watching Instagram stories, you know, collecting data along the way. I for someone who's been in bad relationships faking it are just swearing, I would say that that is not something I'm looking to get rid of. Although I will say being judgmental in general. Yes, I think the bad habit I'm looking to get rid of would be um. Uh, what about assuming you know

the whole story? Without knowing the whole story? I think that's um Again, I think that's the something I wouldn't want to get rid of it because because I do that, I'm just saying it's it makes me a good comedian because I can go I it's part of my A d D. I know the whole story, which I know. The thing is, I will say, I will admit when I'm wrong, so I don't have a problem being wrong

and and going all the way. That skill that I have of taking things too far and seeing and like going so far that I like know the outcome years from now. You know me saying I don't want to get married because I don't want to get divorced and I don't want to go to Target to have to pick out a pencil skirt to wear to court, Like that's that's a joke that came from me taking things too far and going like, why are you already divorced?

You don't want to get engaged because you don't want to go to pick out a pencil skirt to wear to court. That's funny. But so I will say that I there's something too that though, and I agree with you, which is um I want. I would like to be better about just leading with love, even and even when I am thinking that someone isn't right for my friend that they're dating, just leading with love and knowing that it's not about me. I would like to. I think so often I get into this thing of like how

I'm feeling in a situation. Let's say my friends starts dating someone and they're not paying me enough attention or they're acting weird around me. I have to realize that they're not thinking of me. They're not thinking I'm being weird around Nikki. I am choosing they're just trying to survive in this weird ass relationship they're in, which I've I know, but I'm taking it personally like it's affective. Most of the time, when people are struggling in their

own lives, everyone else is affected. But they can't handle these little, you know, peripheral issues, these little fires that you might be one of them. They're not thinking of you because they have a whole fucking smoldering thing to take care of their own life and they're struggling. They're just trying to keep their head above water, and they haven't even begun to address the problems of this relationship. So everything else is affected and they'll get to those

things when they address this bigger thing. But it's not about you. And I think that my bad habit that I would let let go of is to be less selfish um, which I'm always trying to do. Even though Nikki Glazer Day is coming up and is a podcast and Welcome Home Nicki Glazers coming to E and my tour One Night with Nicki Glazer is now listen. I only put my name on everything because it is it's not about me being like you guys know, I don't really like myself. I have bad self esteem. I can't

even watch myself. It's about me wanting to make more money. It's a branding thing, and I want to make more money so that I can do more good in the world and lend my money to friends. So it's not selfish. But I will say that in conversation, I can sometimes talk too much. On this podcast, I can talk too much, and I would like to be a better listener. Final thoughts though it's like like branding like that. You know, Tom Brady does it. Trump obviously does it, but it's

like to do it. It's not, it's not it's not. No, I'm making good financial decisions for myself. What are you supposed to do if I put my name on And I didn't want to put my name on everything initially when I wasn't good enough. But it's it really is about me. If I put my name on things, more people know my name equals more opportunities, equals more money, equals I'm going to survive the apocalypse, and I'm going to be able to support my friends and family who

don't make as much money. That's really how I look at it. Um, And I really look and I've said this before, but you know you watching the show Besties out there, which I just learned, there's still seven hundred million cable subscribers in the country. Maybe it's two hundred million. It's crazy. It's so many more than ye or yeah, and that many countries. Um. I read this article about the um why talk shows don't work on streaming services. UM, let me just look up this number. Uh, how many

cable subscribers in the US. I didn't know the CEE. I thought no one had cable anymore. You know, we're cutting the cord. We're all going streaming. Uh, seventy million cable subscri ribers still in the US, I've yesterday I read it was like two million. I really did in this I think it's more like two million. If to

compare that, Apple TV has like twelve million subscribers. So when you're in a streaming service and that's Apple TV compared to Netflix, I'm sure it's They don't release their numbers. But John Stewart Show got forty thou views the second week. The first week it got like seventy thousand, which is nothing, and the second week it got four like it so and YouTube views he gets like a million. But his Netflix just had the lowest streaming numbers in first quarter

or something like that. Yeah, I mean they up their prices and their content. Um, you know, people have a problem with the content, Like it's just not quality content. I think it's better than ever. I'm loving the Ultimatum and Love Is Blind was amazing, and also there's that Jimmy Saville documentary. I've been like consuming so much, but um, I want to just say that people watching Welcome Home

Nickie's a question mark on May one. I'm probably gonna be on fallon May second, too, so look out for that is about me, Like I just want people to watch so I can make another season and hang out with Andrew and my boyfriend and my family. That really is not like a money like people are like, please watch this thing. It's always about money. I swear to God, I just want to make shows. I just want to

hang out with my family. So that's really what you'd be supporting are for, Like the yeah, you know, I think about the show and I'm like, you know, I see like, uh, what's that show like the the Asian Show where it's like bling and everything is so flashy on TV, and I kind of like that our show, you know it just yes, we do. We go on our gigs and it does seem like kind of cool when we're like, you know, performing, and there is that

like aspect of it. But other than that, it really is like just such a relatable like we're just regular people. We're not trying too hard to look you know, like we're just like I know that. Sometimes I'm like worried that people are gonna watch because we're not like, you know, throwing each other down the second that's going to bring something to it. Um, you're right, Like I had those same worried too, because like reality shows are great because

of drinking. I mean, I'm watching The Ultimatum and it's like all the ships happening because these people are getting loaded and doing stuff that they regret. I mean, so many reality shows, the best moments flipping tables, throwing wine, it's all centered around drinking, summer house, these fights. Without drinking,

it wouldn't happen. And so there's not a lot of like there's just a lot of For me, you know, there was a lot of like painful things that I had to experience and like tough stuff I had to go through during this reality show, um, in terms of therapy and talking to my parents about stuff. So there's that, but there's not a lot of drama. It's just I think, I think though, you know, there's a lot a heart

in it. And I really do feel that way. Like I'm just thinking about like when we're on the dock and we're all talking, there's just a lot of family and like and I don't know, and I think people are going to get stuff out of that, and I would hope to think that that is still you know, the Andy Griffiths Show was kind of that, you know what I mean, like like I think like people where where it's like not yeah yeah, okay, that's whistling, that

was something. Um yeah, I think like I think that that can still be needed and hopefully it's you don't need to fucking have a flashy bullshit to get to people still, and I yes, but also the flashy bullshit is so much about we still. The show still moves fast, you know. It definitely is you know, just us down by the creek, like just like you know, yeah, the show is manic almost in terms of how it's TikTok like levels of fast. Each scene is like thirty seconds long.

So it's like and the first premiere, you guys are gonna love it so much, especially besties are just I don't even worry about them liking it. Everyone's gonna like this show because you can't. It's just funny people doing funny stuff. And I'm the least funny of everyone, I swear to God, and um and there's like no one's arguing. But I was so I was so like, got to be in the background and just let everyone around me

be funny. It was so nice, and it just really feels like I can just be proud not of my performance as much as like knowing that this was a good idea and casting this because in casting meaning just like oh putting you know these people in my life. Noah's gonna be on it. They filmed us doing our live podcast. You guys are gonna recognize everyone in this. You're gonna know all the stories because we were living this life while we were doing the podcast, and the

podcast is gonna be all over it. So besties, I really need your support getting the word out and getting people on board. The first week, they're going to play the funk out of this all the time. On every single night, they're doing a marathon of the first two episodes back to back, so people just get which is the second. I'm wanna be surprised. I want to watch it on the night of UM but I want to.

I would love for best to get together and do like a viewing party or just like get your friends involved, because I want this is the new Kardashian spot and it could be the new Kardashians for you to like, comment on and like, you know, just it's not going to be the same as Kardashians obviously, but it's it's just an extra layer of behind the scenes of my life that I think is not necessarily the most interesting life,

but it is just an honest one. And I hope that you guys all like it and I like that, you know. Oh thanks man tagline. That's good. Thanks. All right, well we gotta go. Thank you now. Okay, Okay, guys, yeah, I got into a shirt. Uh, let's go. We'll be back here tomorrow. Don't worry about that. Next week. I'm gonna be in New York. Come see us this week in New Orleans. Uh. Fort lauder Jacksonville, Nashville Sunday, Nashville Sunday, Nashville Sunday. You guys, really, I want to sell the

Riemann out. So and also, if you go alone and you write me going alone all in caps on my Instagram and give me your full name and what show you're going to, I will grant you a bump up to a free meet and great ticket, which is usually you know, fifty or so dollars more. I'll give you that for free. I love you guys so much. Don't be kill and what going? Oh Jacob Jack you