#199 A Dirty For Every Day

Hanson Today. Like, I just yeah, I just saw some pictures yesterday in like footage where I just did not look as tan as I wanted to be. It really does. It just does something for my too. It makes me feel amazing to be a bronze goddess. It just changes everything for me. It's not worth it to me to not stain everything that I said. I said. I just I just did. Literally, this is my seventh hour of talking today, and this is a seventh hour of the Today Show. And I sat on for the last thing

I did. I was sweating so much because I think I was revealing too much. It was like a show about d m s and just about like who have you d M? Who's dm D with celebrities And I was tired and like hungry, and I just gave them what they wanted and I said things I probably I probably shared things I shouldn't have. And I was sweating

so much, and I got up from my seat. It was on a white couch, and I left behind a significant print, and you could tell they were all like what the fought Like they weren't okay about like I'm so used to leaving orange everywhere and people being like, oh it's okay, we'll just working dry clean it or you know, shout wipes and stuff. But um, they seemed to be actually mystified. And I said, well, it's because

you guys made me sweat. I was like nervous because I'm talking about I'm no one's going to ever DM me again because they don't feel like their privacy can be trusted. It looked like a dead body, Like what was the outline? Just how much? Yeah? No, it's's just like it's just looks like an orange apparition, like like the markings of like a ghost are left beyond. I'm very into ghosts right now and like the you know, ever since watching Tyler Henry, I'm so I finished the

show like ten episodes last night. I love it so much. So it looked like yeah, it was just looked like there was a very tan like it was the ghost of who's that one really tan guy that I think he used to Clark? Yeah, yeah, oh no, it's another guy, Tom Jones. Tom Jones is very orange. It's a good but it's a different guy. I know, not that either he's not dead, doesn't well, well he could be, but he can looks so good. He looks alive. I saw a video of a wrapper that died who got shot

to death. He was twenty four and they they put him in a club and they just erected his body where he was just standing there in the corner. Yeah, but like like dad, dad, like, it's that's what the United States died. Just put me on a putting green and yeah, well that's how you probably die. We can just leave you there. Yeah, I comply where you found me. Do have a party around my dead? Do you ever get scared of getting hit by lightning? Isn't that what

happens to like golfers a lot. I'm the shortest out there. Probably fine. I think I don't know my hairy fucking body and my fat nipples. I'll be fine. I could take on a strike. I think you just at the age. And I just posted Emil is doing Emil Wachim is doing the Tonight show tonight. He's on fallon um or it was last night. This is going out on Wednesday, but at Tuesday night and um. I was also twenty four when I did my first Tonight show and I just posted a picture of what I looked like on

my first to night show. It is so wild how I look like I'm wearing a fat suit. And that is not like to be offensive to anyone. It looks like I'm wearing it looks like I'm trapped inside and I was trapped in my body like I just was so miserable then. But I just can't believe I went on TV looking like that and no one was like, and it's not about the weight, I want to be very clear, but that my hair just looks like greasy, I'm pale, like I just didn't know what the funk

I was doing with anything. When I was twenty four and it's just stylist back then, or like any kind of team entourage. No, I had no idea. It was my first time ever getting a car service, which is I know it sounds like bougie, but like that is ubiquitous in my life now, like just get getting in cars that have been that's just like what I do. And I remember the first turn what do you mean, oh god for my dumps? Question? Did Leno before Conan

left like the original Leno? Yeah? And it was January nine? Did and didn't you get it? Like a day before when happened the day of dat? I got a meals known for seven months. I know a meal has been that's because he's been He's known about his actual date of doing it for probably like a couple of weeks now, and so he's been like, oh, it's coming up. And I mean I knew. I knew the morning of I've

got woken up. I call at eleven am and um, but I had already had my They had proved my set, which is like they say, you you do your set a bunch of times for the bookers, and then they eventually go fix this, tweak this, and then you eventually give him one and they go, that's it, and I I got I got the set there, like, that's the set. We're so excited. And then I waited and I told my family, I told my friends, like my parents told everyone they knew. And I was, you know, struggling in

l A. Didn't have a job. I was constantly overdrafting my account. My mom was putting in money just to bail me out, and they were running at them. It was just like a bad situation. But then I got the Tonight Show and it was like, oh, everything's looking up. And I still was like not making money, but at least the Tonight Show. And then two years passed and I was not booked, so I gave up. And then that one January seven nine, I woke up to a call from the Tonight Show saying that we had to

drop out. Are you able to do it tonight? And I didn't remember the set that I had given them initially to go do on the show because it had been so long. But I had it on a DVD because at that time the club that I did it at gave me a DVD of that set, and I thought I'd never forget it. But you know, two years passes and I totally didn't remember it, but I, um, I woke up that day, I couldn't find the DVD. I just ran to go get my hair done because I just thought, like, that's what you need to do.

You need to dye your hair. So I went and got my hair like colored and highlighted, even though it looks brown. I don't even know what I was thinking. I should have gotten it, like I should have just gone and gotten a ray tan. That would have been so much better for me. But I went to Urban Outfitters and I remember telling the girl like I'm gonna be on the tonight SHOWE and kind of being like koy about it, but also being like it's so cool, you know, And I remember she was just like okay, um,

I mean I don't know. I was like, you're not You're not impressed by that at all, like at all. Like I just remember being like, oh, she doesn't think that's cool, and she you should. You should just go look Instagram. It's like I have these black boots and a black like, um, I guess, uh just band do like like uh, I don't even know what's called. What's it called? When it doesn't a sleeveless stress not sleeveless, but it's like a like a it doesn't have any

top to it. Look I think, yeah, bando, uh like shimmery black bando. And it was just I'm wearing stockings too, like who wears stockings? I didn't know what the funk I was doing. I really didn't know. I didn't. I think I got my hair and makeup done in like two seconds in the chair there Now it would be like two hours and I'd get there before. It was just it's so funny just to do your set. Did what who else was on the show? And what did Jay talk to you afterwards? Was there anything? Like? Well,

I didn't know what the set was. So I get home at so I the car services picking me up at like let's say four o'clock and the show's tapes at five. And I get home. I pulled into my driveway, I see this black car up front, being like, wait is that? So I get in that? And so I was like just one second, I'm like telling the driver like wait one second. I grabbed my roommates laptop because I didn't have one. I couldn't afford it, and I

go searching through all the DVDs. We had to find that one set, and I finally found it was like a mirror. I could not believe. I found this set and I put I watched it on the way to the set in the back of this car, and I studied. I just like memorized the set I did that night that they approved. And then as soon as I got on the lot, I opened the door and Bob and Ross were there, the bookers, and they were like, what's

the set? We don't remember it? What is it? And I just ran it off and they were like, that's great, That's what we knew. We probably but at that point would have they would have been like, what what is that? Like it was two years later. I mean it was significantly amount of a significant amount of time. I did a rape joke, which I couldn't do on any network nowadays, I don't think, let alone NBC and Rain Wilson and who was staying for the other guest and Paul Abduel

was the one that I was filling in for. I was a second guest, which comedians are never the second guest ever. And yeah, before the set, I was just like shown my like spot to go, like to stand my parents weren't there obviously, Like my parents would have been there had I known about it, like they would have flown in. My friends would have been there. My only friend there was Jen Murphy at the time. She lived down the streets, so she was able to go.

My roommate Lisa, she was on the NBC lot. She worked as um an assistant for someone in the lit department, and so she was able to go. But um, I just they so when I when they showed me my spot where to stand when they pulled back the curtain um before the show started, Jay was out there doing something and he walked over and was like, hey, so we're excited to have you on this show, and like, you know what, just like kill it, like just do whatever you want, Like okay, they're going to tell you

to wrap it up. It just like have fun. And he encouraged me, like do what you want. It was very nice and so, um, I found out later like the booker's got in trouble because I went too long because I was kind of following Jay's advice and I killed like I had the best, one of the best. I always have the best sets doing Tonight shows. But it was a um, probably like thirty seconds to a minute,

which is everything, and in late night. But I walked over to the couch and Um, the funniest part was I walked over and Rain Wilson was there being interviewed before me, so he was still on the couch and I walked over and he got up and was like a great job. And I was like, thanks, Dwight, and I said Dwight very loudly, and that's obviously his character's

name on the office. And I didn't catch it until I watched it later and I was like, oh God, and then um and then yeah, I was just like sitting there, no God, I was just flabbergasted and just said wrong, just that this characters me. It was so embarrassing. And I remember my ex boy my boyfriend at the time, like I didn't say anything when it aired, like I

was just so hurt by him not watching it. I remember later that night he was like all he said was something like Rain Wilson isn't funny or something like that, like it was just something about the show but not about me, And I was like it was just so hurtful. I remember that TV like just he was not capable of like being loving and like doing it just wasn't

capable of it. And I just remember, I'm so sad for like the girl that I was like being so sad that night, because it's when something like that happens, where like the person you care about lets you down in that way so severely, where it's like there's just no excuse for not saying something nice. You know, I just you just know this isn't gonna work. It maybe isn't got gonna end now, but this is it's over.

At some point, it's going to be over. And you know, little did I know it was going to be like a year and a half later, But at that moment, it was just like you just know, I know, um keep doing this to me what succeeding? It is important that the person in your life like that. It is important to me that people say nice things about stuff and not try to act too cool for it or

like they're not impressed, like I really need that. I you know, I I just feel like it's just I don't know, I get really sad when like I don't know, it's it's kind of a glazer trait to like my family gets has such expectations for people being complimentary and thankful and like mostly complimentary accolades. It's my dad's favorite word. They didn't give you enough accolades? Why are they there's

I want them to like talk about your accolades. Like they get really upset when family members or friends aren't like'll They'll even be like, wasn't Nicky great on that thing? They'll like kind of set someone up, and if you don't deliver, they're like almost like you're dead to them. And I'm always like, people are jealous, dad, and that's not me being like, you know, they want to be us.

They're just their lives aren't going well. And it's really hard, especially sometimes for me to celebrate other people when my life is not going well. And it's it's literally impossible to be enthusiastic about someone and so it's not really you don't need to see it. So personally, I think some people see it as a weakness to be very congratulated congratulatory of people. You think that, oh, enthusiasm is

like being a pussy or something. Yeah, yeah, and it's just I don't know, and it's like, well, because that gets rewarded, you know, like being too cool for school, if you don't. If you don't, if someone gets off stage and you're like, dude, that was fucking awesome, man, Like I love that joke. Like I was laughing so hard. They'll be like, what a fucking dude, I can't. The kids are never gonna be on my level, you know, And it's like, no, dude, just take it in. Your

mom was so nice after the other night. Yeah, I'm sure that they were very complimentary about you and and David Spade because they know that that stuff matters, like my parents, and I like to say that I give as much as I expect to. Because I was just talking about this doing this press, Like I remember Chris Rock getting off stage one time before me at the Comedy Cellar, and I was thinking insert slap joke here. I was thinking, I, he doesn't need me to say

good set. But when you were following a comedian they're walking off and you're walking on, you always say good set, especially if it was a good set. And Chris Rock had a good set, like you know, crazy that that happened. But and I just remember being like, I can't say good set to Chris Rock. He knows it's a good set.

But then I remembered, oh my god, there's no amount of like good I'll ever be where I won't want to hear that, Like, no amount of success will never will not make me want the approval of my peers. And I'm you know, so I just remember him looking at me being like thank you. Yeah. The other thing, too, is expecting someone to congratulate you in the way that you want it, and then if you don't get that, then being disappointed in them, but then also being like, no,

you're they don't. Maybe they just don't know what the right way to congratulate you, you know what I mean? Does that make like like I got off stage that other night whatever to Spade night and Brennan was like,

that was really good, babe. They were like a like a quiet audience and yeah, and like she so didn't mean to be like me, She's just being honest and was just like, yeah, they were like still walking it like they were just like they laughed quiet, and I was like, I thought it was hilarious, but yes, you know, It's just funny how people like can also like think you're did amazing while also like saying the wrong thing

or like just not say exactly what you want to hear. Yeah, I can to ask for what I want now, as embarrassing as that is, like, especially in a relationship like telling it was really embarrassing for me to like tell Chris like I need you to watch things and to be like, wow, you were great on that, Like I need you to do that. Like I today sent Chris my schedule, Like my assistant Jen sent me my entire like morning schedule of like and it was It's insane.

It was from six am until right now. It was just I was doing a million different things and meetings and and I just looked at it this morning and I was like, someone needs to bear witness to this besides me, Like I just need someone to go like I see you. I know Jens sees it, like Jen is like Jesus Christ, what are they doing to you? But I need and I asked for this, you know, Like I'm trying to get people to watch my show and I'm doing what I can to do it. And

I'm grateful that I even have the opportunities. A lot of networks that I've had shows on don't even promote my show and don't even give me the opportunity to promote it, and so I just feel like I have to take all these opportunities that I've been given. But um, I sent my I sent my schedule to Chris to be like can you just see this and just go like wow. It's the same way I feel about gang bangs that I've always said, like I never understand why

they're all like fuck you, bitch, you fucking whore. I'm like, can some one person just go she is doing so much? I just want people acknowledge like how much things are sometimes because I'm always convinced that I'm not working hard enough and it's never enough, Like to me, I'm like, okay, so I all I did was talk all day and like sit in a chair and put my have my makeup put on, and like sit on a zoom call and have people who are writing jokes for me like

get approved. Like to complain about that so stupid, But it was just nice to have him look at it and go, yeah, that's a lot. Just validate you. It would be funny though, if you were like is this enough and he's like, yeah, you're stupid, whore. You You've got nine interviews you dump, You're like, okay, this is this is better. I do feel like my career is a gangbang. That's what I always say, is like why

do I like gangbangs? And it's because I feel like the girl in them is multitasking so hard and like just is able to take on so much. And I realized that, like I, I'm my career is a gang bang. Like I have so many different you know, there are some different shows. Yeah, I guess calming in a way of like doing fifteen different things where you can't focus on one thing so much that I will, like, uh, make you so insecure and so nervous because you're doing

so many things? Now, does that mean that the other things? If you're doing so much, are you not giving an A to everything? That's where I get scared? Or is it more interesting to give a B to fifteen things rather than maybe an A or maybe an F because you're putting so much on one thing, you know what I mean. It's it's it's that's what I'm constantly trying to juggle. Is like if I am I starching myself too thin, and then I'm I know when I'm about

to lose it and I'm not being funny anymore. And that hasn't happened yet, So I'm because I, you know, prioritized not doing stand up at night and like just going to bed earlier than I want to just so I can make it all work. But yeah, like I'm doing Kelly Clarkson tomorrow, and I'll talk about that in a second after we take this quick break. And I'm here, you know, I'm here here. So I'm doing Kelly Clarkson tomorrow, and it's a second time I'm doing it, and fairly

short about a time. I think I did it the first time. Yeah, with machine gun Kelly with a medisine Square medicine. Well, I thought it was going to be MS tonight. I know I'm doing it tomorrow, Kelly Clark said. And I think usually before one of these appearances where it's like a big deal, I would I would overthink it. And there is something nice about having so many things that I'm just going into it like it's just another thing.

And and when I'm working this hard, I'm great because I'm getting so many reps in, Like I'm good at doing press. Right now, I'm who else is on the show. I don't know yet? Um oh, actually do know, Dr Phil And we're also doing like it's gonna air during the Kentucky Derby, So we're gonna wear like Kentucky Derby hats and like have a segment where we're doing some kind of like I think I'm gonna ask Dr Phil

for some advice. I'm going to show a clip um where I peete in the ocean when I was in Cabo, and I was talking about like don't fake like you're like looking at the sunset just like squat and pea and get its on. So there's gonna be a little like fun elements and Kelly is just like so real and nice and um, I had a good time the last time, and I'm excited to like wear something. Last time I tried to style myself and it was a

big fail. So I'm excited to wear if you if you dress like the what was that girl that got so famous off of Dr Phil? Oh that catched me outside? Oh my god, I think it's like, yeah Derby and she really did turn that into like she did. Oh do you know how famous she's like insanely famous right now even yeah, even right now. It's so funny how famous people can be. And I have no idea of anything they're doing. Yeah, I just I don't. I don't know. Um, yeah, I was talking about that, like on that that d

M thing. Oh oh no, there's like bad Bunny you know. Oh yeah, Well the d M show I was talking about. They were like asking me like would you It was called like slide or scroll, like when I slide into their d M s or when I keep scrolling, And I was like, I don't know any of these people you're presenting, and it made me realize there have been times that people slide. There's someone recently that slid into my d M S And I go, Andrew, who is

this guy? Because I he was in pictures with like some like m m A guys and like some like Logan Polish people, and I was like, um, his name is Jeff. He just goes at Jeff. Yeah, I'm doing his podcast. He's hilarious and like he just like he watched my roast and was like, dude, you're killing us right now. Like you tell he's just like Stone with a bunch of his friends, Like I should have this girl on my podcast. She's gonna roast me, dude, And so he d M me being like you gotta do

my podcast. So I'm gonna do his podcast. It's called um Jeff FM, like f f M, and so I'm going to do that. But uh, he had so many followers, and I go, who the hell is like is this? It's just there's so many famous people. He's a David uh guy. David Dober hid him with like a they did some kind of stunt and he got really hurt. Oh my god, I'll do my research before I go on the other day, I go. He texted me and I was like, what is what do you do? I literally go, what is your podcast that I agreed to?

What is your I don't even know his last name still Jeff. Yeah, these guys can have like thirty million followers and you're like, who who How what's the average age of the follower of these people? I kind of want to know sometimes Yeah I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. But and they all care about like their relationships. They're like, can you believe fucking Chester's with fucking Valerie.

I'm just a little bit too. They don't even do anything. Yeah, I'm just I I really do kind of regret not being of like the YouTube birch and ration of like fault, like having crushes on guys that had little YouTube shows like these girls like love these guys that like we're actually attainable because their YouTubers and you know, we're living in the Midwest or can't like you know, I just

I think there's something cube Mr Beast. No, so he's the biggest person on YouTube, Like he was on Rogan not too long ago, and he did a Squid Games reenactment. Maybe you heard it about that he did on YouTube, like almost like just as good as squid Games. Like he he puts millions of dollars backs back into his videos, like their whole thing is like he really gets back. They don't. Well, he takes the money he makes from his videos and he puts it back into the production.

Oh whoa like a production like a business. But he drives a shitty card, niggie. My point is all these people want they don't want to be on TV. They just want to be big on you. Yes, they of course they want to be on TV. We all want to. Don't think they do. I don't think they do. Well.

I know I will say that I had my first TV show when YouTube stars were first starting to be like bigger than TV stars, And I remember there was a big push to like, we gotta have YouTubers on like because then we'll get the YouTubers to watch MTV, and it doesn't work that way. They don't translate to TV. Don't you think it's different? Do I mean talents? Talent? But I will say that, like, it's just a different Honestly, more people watch YouTube, there's no denying that than like

TV a lot of times. But there is still there's you know, there's not Emmy's for youtubes. There just aren't yet. Yeah, I guess what were they called. There are some kind of award for you the tubes. I know that's another platform, but yeah, there's the squid game that has been watched by more subscribers and Netflix has you know what I mean, just kind of puts it in perspective. Nor mcd donald did that YouTube award. You haven't seen that? That is

so funny. That guy on there that is the co host one of the most cringe e dudes I've ever heard. And I feel really bad for him because he was just trying to go toe to toe with someone like Norm McDonald, which is just just don't even try. Don't don't try. Don't be doing the you know, I break the audience's leg. Just let it be natural, Like, don't try to make jokes back at him. I mean, what do you do there? Do you just do? You just shut up? You just laugh? You do what? What's his

name does? Adam? Um? Norm's old like co host and you just set him up? You know your place. When I am with David Spade, I am not trying to be the quirky, equippy one. Like it's okay to take a back seat sometimes even if you are known for being funny, like I don't know. I mean, you can go, you can, you can have fun, but like to try to like Rose, this guy was trying to roast so yes, I know, it was so comfortable. It's giving. It's making me like, it's just making me twist in my own

there he's in like a shitty hoodie. He doesn't give a fuck. And this guy has on like glasses that are probably not even prescription, like in a tuxedo like he just I mean it made a great television though, seeing the opposites. But yeah, years later watch it and Jenny Slate is on it today. I was having that kind of moment. I'm doing these shows every day if you want to tune in UM Daily Pop and Nightly Pop on E and Daily Pop is live and the Nightly Pop is not live, but today live on Daily Pop.

They were talking about just keep hearing this in the instinct voice, I can Daily Pop. Nikki went to l A. She's doing press for six hours a day. She don't know why she agreed to it, because she's she's kind of built that way. She's going on TV and talking about celebrities, a lot of them she doesn't know, and the other one she just nods along. Doesn't matter if Nicky wears Tan Tanner or she's pale, it doesn't matter. We never talked about that song, but we sing that

song all the time. Once it's in your head, you

can't stop. But we were obsessed with it in high school, Kristen and all my friends and I and we used to go, it's the song if you don't know his dirty pop, and I recommend everyone listening to it because at the very end he goes dirty pop and it's like pop and it's like think but the dirty, dirty pop. Kirsten did this one thing one time when she called me and she was like, I remember I was going out of town to like France with my parents, and I was going for like ten days, and she was like,

here's a dirty for every day You're gone dirty dirty, dirty, dirty dirty, dirty dirt dirty pop. So it's so funny, just good. So I always think of, like, here's a dirty for every time. And we were talking about Gigi Hadid and like they were like, there's a new skincare regiment that gig is the face of putting your face in a bowl of ice water. And I was like, yeah, that's a good way to get down the swelling after you've had many surgeries that you're not being honest about.

And it was just kind of like it was just like we're not gonna talk. And I was like, oh, are we not allowed to like call like he is supposed to celebrate celebrities And I understand that, but and I'm not judging her by doing that. What I'm judging is like not being honest about it, and um, like I'm not going to just buy that Gigi Hadid like that's her secret is dumping her face and a thing of ice water. That does not make your You're and a doctor a little Doctor Daily Pop. Let's get to

the new pop heard it here? First, It's Wednesday, Wednesday when dr sounds like a off bread of Dr Pepper from like Sam's Club D. So it's Wednesday, folks, you know what that means. It's Wednesday, day after Tuesday, first day before Thursday. I hope you're having all the swells out there, And by all the swells, I mean the swelling in your faith from getting that new gig deep cream. Alright. A father and daughter from Chicago were struck by lightning

as they were heading to their car. And there's two stories here that you brought up. Heading to their car from Steinbrenner Field in Tampa after the baseball game they came to watch got cut short because of weather conditions. Here's here's what happened. Um. From the daughter's perspective, there was a big bright flash and a loud boom, and next thing I know, my ears are ringing. I see my dad flying in the air, smacking his head on

the ground, and I'm flying through the air. I actually got blasted out of my shoes and I landed on the pavement. For about ten seconds. I thought my dad was dead, and I thought I was dying. Oh my god, did the dad survive? He did. He was like a paralyzed for a couple of seconds, but after that he was able to move. And um, this got the attention of the team they went to see, which was the Yankees, and um they sent them autographs and and tickets in Chicago. Okay,

worth it? Um? Wait, do you know that if you get struck by lightning, you're more likely to get struck by lightning again? Like lightning nose? They always say lightning never starts the same place twice, Like that's some kind of saying, But it actually like the people that have been struck before are more likely to get struck again than other people. I heard that the other day. When I think some guy has been struck seven times, I

know someone had died from getting struck by lightning in Florida. Wait, wasn't it like your teacher, Yeah, my teacher popped. Is that going to be your segment? Huh? Because I wasn't there. Unfortunately, Okay, segment where Andrew is going to tell a story, but it won't be that one. Um. Yeah, lightning is not something that I fear. I have a lot of irrational fears, but in my mom I always remember being very scared

of lightning. I do know that sometimes light No one ever thinks they're going to get hit by lightning, you know what I mean. Like you always think like, oh, that's an obvious thing, like, but it happens very fast, and it happens sometimes when there's no rain, and it's like, you know, there's a lot of people. It happens on the golf course, a lot, I think is a commonplace. Well, a tree could get struck and the now we'll get you. So that doesn't help. Awesome, you're carrying around metal. I

forget what you're supposed to do. There was something I just learned. No, I think you're supposed to like put you're supposed to bend your like you're supposed to crouch in a way where your souls of your shoes are the only things touching the Like there's some way to touch the ground. I mean, there's what can we look up how to if you get hit by lightning? Wasn't it wasn't storm, Like the storm was far away, Like it didn't make sense. Like at that point you're just like, okay,

your time to go. Yeah, well I do know this if you're ever in a tornado and you're driving, do not go under a bridge. And I know you think that's like that would be the best place to go if you're like an overpass, but those become wind vor Texas and all the debris and the most violent like debris that's like shooting through is going to go through that bridge, And the best thing to do is get

out of your car. I know this is wild. Get out of your car and go lay flat in a ditch, like in the grass and lay flat, which I don't even know if I'd be able to do that, you know what I mean where they say like punch a shark in the face, or like when a bear is attacking you just come at it like do the opposite. Like that seems like I would just go No, it's not gonna work. I can't believe that would work. I

can't do it. Yeah I would. I would never be able to in a in a second earthquake outside what really even if you go away from you no, because it's like falling trees and buildings, Do not go outside an earthquake. Literally stay inside, find a doorway or like an under a table. No, what do you do in a little in lightning, all right, crouched crouched down in a ball like position with your head tucked and hands over your ears, so that you are down low with

minimal contact with the ground. And that's from the c d C. Okay, well that's good to know, all right. I trust the CDC, even though most people don't anymore. Matter. But I there was something that I I think I actually did. A had an Instagram where I or sorry, a reddit that I saved that was like a I follow the subreddit called cool Guides guides g U I d e S And it was like, what about getting struck by lightning on a golf course? And I was going to send it to you because I was scared

that you might die? And then I didn't because I, you know, got distracted by something and I was like, oh, he'll help. Fine, Um, what's what's the next news story? You almost save my life? It isn't that nice of me to that? Yeah, I'm thinking of you. And then I stopped, Oh, here it is here. It is how to survive a lightning strike. Found it. Okay, so this is the interesting part. Crouched down like a baseball catcher,

get as low as you can um. And then the thing that I liked was touched the heels of your feet together. So when you're crouched down, touch the heels of your feet together. If electricity from a ground strike enters through your feet, this increases the chances of the electricity going in one foot and out of the other rather into the rest of your body, so it might just go brup back into the ground as opposed to

b You know, my hemorrhoid would save me. I would get the roid and not get what it would Yeah. I would light that thing up and it would just burn it off, and it would have flaps they put on the back of cars. Yeah, from getting static electricity. I wonder if, like when you got shocked, we would see the little skeleton inside the hemorrhoid, you know how like when you get electrocuted, you see your skeleton. That

happen in the next story. Yeah. Sexual health experts say that we need to stop using the term g spot because it's actually a zone made up of five erratogenic regions. Okay, so it should be spots. I don't know what's going on here. I think Kylie Jenner is stating him. Um, I don't know the uh Okay, So they say there's no, there's no single spot. It's a five separate uh eratogenic tissues that performed the pleasure sensations ascribed to the G spot.

And then what I say, what does that small miss them? All? Yeah, if you're aiming for one little spot and then you have five zones around that spot, you're going to get something. Yes. That's why I always say, like, just go like all over and you'll hit something like really hard, like instead of going like because the little is a little like twinkling a bell. Yeah, the sports center, But G spot,

I don't. I think that I've probably had. I think that's the squirt spot where they where they frack you with your finger, And I think that's what they're hitting back there because it's in the back, it's in the come hither motion. That's where that zone is. Now that we're calling it the G zone, which is a new roller coaster coming to six Flags Great America. Just think of like like the ball zone, you know what I mean.

I really my newest erogenous zone that I'm so excited about that I had no idea is right behind my ear, like on my neck, like right here, like whenever there's like a whispering or any kind of like tingling, it is like I'm like one of those dogs with my

legs shaking. I had no idea. It's so exciting to find out something new that you like and that really makes you like, I've just never had a guy like whisper back there be behind, But that makes sense because most you know, humans, when we would mate, we would do doggie style and like that's where the guy would kind of this head would be, and so it makes sense.

It's like from behind. That's why my dad always has the grossest kind of like evolution, Like that's why this because we used to have sex this way, and I'm just like, I don't want to hear about the way

we used to funk. Dad, Like he always says that it's so the other day he did it, Luigi, He's like he was telling someone who's like dogs like to be scratched straight male dogs like the they're like chest because and it calms them because that's what's being hit when they're humping when they're having sex, is like that's what they're leaned up against the woman and that's the

part that's being touched. So it's like, I'm like, so, you're just like getting your dog like all horned up when you pet it there, even though I do bet Luigi there all the time, But it's not because I and my dad used to say that men love cleavage because we humans used to have sex from behind, and um, cleavage looks like a butt crack, and butt cracks make us turned on because that's what we're looking at when men are penetrating us, or that's what they're looking at.

Does that check out? Because because cleavage is not plea was not a thing when we all didn't wear bras bra. If you're behind the woman, it's a butt crack, then the cleavage resembles a butt crack. The butt crack is the thing they were saying, Oh, I got you, Not while you're actually having sex. At a later date, like later in the day, you're like, holy shit, I've seen that ass. You get corned up by cleavage because it looks like a butt crack that you would be looking

at when your penis is inside someone. So it like makes you go like, oh, like when girls put up their hair, guys always like get turned on because they think it means like a blow job. Or whatever, but it really just means I'm about to wash my face, wash all that come off it. All right, we gotta take a break and we'll come back with our new segment that I can't wait for Andrew to introduce us to right after this, Let's do Why do I care? Really quickly? What do I care? Why do I care? Okay,

what's what's happening? Nikki Glazer tour opener and mel Waki to appear on the tonight show Jimmy fallon Yes last night. I'm guessing he killed because how could he not? Um, I would love you guys to go give that a watch, to give you know, just a hit and give it a thumbs up on YouTube. Go support our boy. A Meal so proud of him. I wish I could be there. Um. I got a text from Seth Herzog, who is the

you know warm up act. He also did the warm up for My special and got to hang out with We hung out with Seth all that night of My special taping, and he got to know a Meal that night and they just sent me a selfie picture and I think he's taping it right now. What time is it? It's three o'clock Oh my god, Wait a second, I think they taped it at four. Hold on, let me just see it's six the other day. Wait a second, hold that, let's see it's he said the show starts

at five, so he just finished it. Oh my god, he's done that. It's so exciting. I love to think about, like all of his hard work is now just just paid off, Like he's right now he's having the best moment of his life, like either doing a set right now and saying thank you good night. Um. I just love that. I love thinking about. Do you ever do that when people get like murdered or there's some like event and you go, what was I doing? And you know, like the exact minute, and you go, what was I

doing in that minute? Do you ever think that, like when a tsunami hit, They'll be like like whenever there's like, um, a plane crash at eight fifty two a m I'll be like, Okay, that was Eastern time. I means it was six fifty two where I was What was I doing at that moment? Do you not do that? I do that with literally any time there is like a time stamp on something, even the other night of when the actual thing happened where you were. Yeah, I don't like,

was I like wiping my ass when you know? Um, I don't know. I'm trying to like when Elizabeth Smart was found or something like I really think about, Like I love when there's like a specific minute when things happen, or like a mass shooting started. Like the other day, I was reading about a mass shooting and that started and they were like the shooting started at UM eleven fifty two and I was like what was I doing?

And I was like, oh my god. I was like waking up and going like, oh I don't want today to start. And I was like how crazy that. I was just like kind of blearly walking to the bathroom when someone was like, oh my god, Like do you I think about that stuff all the time. You're probably like that too. After you've held your ship for six weeks, it's gonna you think you're gonna ship before the ring comes off. Oh my god, Maybe it's the ring that's

stopping it up. Maybe there's a what if my asshole has turned into the ring the tightness level and nothing can get through. You saw your the people that dressed you for that, did they want to help you? Take the ring off. No, it was actually their assistant. I told them about it, but they're just like, it's fine, it's whatever. So it's just it's staying on. It's the biggest commitment I've ever had in my life. It's still on and it's been on since. Wait when do we

take the finale for Perfect Strangers? March eighth, So it's going on a month. You know when people put rings around their neck and then their neck gets longer, Yeah, I don't need that from my finger. It's long enough longer. If your finger is getting a little longer, yeah, And when that finger is longer than your pointer finger, it means you might be a lesbian. That's a that's that's

not confirmed, but it often is. When girls have a longer that finger than the pointer finger, that means there it might be gay because most men have that, and it means a lot of testosterone or something I don't understand. Let's get to the new segment, Andrew. Let's find out what the segments called. And uh, I can't wait Andrews to sink short story circles segment. That's right, it's time

for Andrews. The sing st story is certain segments Yeah, we wanted a place to put all of your great stories that you have accrued in your long, illustrious life. Um that is coming to a close and we want to celebrate you. So any day now. I'm trying to think, like if no, I really liked that because it was so true, you know, so tested. Yeah, that's what I meant. I'm going out and on top, you know what I mean, you know, like at least I'm going out towards the bottom,

waiting for a trust fund. You know. Let's not get too honest here. Okay, what what story You're gonna regal us with your um no, so, I thought I would. I think I've told I don't think i've told this story on here, but I think I've told you in person, Nikki, So pretend I like to hear your stories again. It's a good way to like remember them so I can pass them on when you were gone pretty soon. Yeah, so yeah, I mean, just remember his story and I'll remember the name of Wilco and h or whatever. So,

um so I was I was. I think funeral a dirty performed you were alive and it's thirties seven dirties, Okay, dirty, I'm not kidding any more. That reminds me of that Bill Wither song or Bruce I No, okay, okay, So that's the story. Do we still have listeners? What I wanted to do was get rid of all our listeners before you get your own segment. Yeah, thank you, I appreciate that. What's your story? Sorry? No? So? I um.

I was in I think eighth or ninth grade and my best friend in middle school or a freshman year whatever, his dad always had weed and like stalks of I'm talking like, and it was always in the garage and it was above like it was in an area where you didn't think anyone would look, but everyone would look, you know what I mean, Like you know when people hide things in a way of like also we could probably smell it. It's probably hanging out of a raft or you know what I mean. Like so much weed.

It was like an insane amount of weeks. Now, were you doing weed at this point or drinking or doing anything like? Or was this your first foray into that We haven't bought and I don't think any of us at that point has bought we Why would you buy it if your friend's dad is growing it? But in like cornfields. That makes sense. Yeah, I agree. Okay, so this was the first time you were like, let's steal

it from your dad. Yeah, and we wouldn't well know we we did it multiple times because we could take literally an ounce and he'd have no I He'd be like, oh, I think I have more weed. Yeah. That's the thing about how keep traveling either. Yeah, yeah, so we so we steal, we keep stealing the weed. We keep stealing the weed. We're not caught and um whatever I say, all this to go. We were at a party and it was out by the river. That's what you do

in Florida. You party out by the river. And we're in like a field in a river, and like a in a gated community where a multimillion dollar house hasn't gone up yet. It's like right out of like d O C. Like we're just partying. We think we're cool, having a couple of brud Skis. Middle school. Now this is like ninth grade. Ninth people were driving. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm a junior in college and so your I started growing like gray hair on my balls just then.

It was weird. No, so maybe it was tenth grade. I wasn't driving yet I know I wasn't driving yet, and I'll tell you why. So I was probably fifteen. I'm going fifteen here. So yeah, dude, permit d I was five three on that permit. You hadn't got to drive those lessons since yet, because you failed that to three times. So we're at this party and we're fucking you know, I'm doing my thing. You know, probably got like a letterman, jacking on and uh and uh, you know,

just sucking, just chilling, and and the cops come. We see the cop, one cop and I don't even know. I don't think he was like the security cop. He was a cop cop. And I fucking freaked out and I didn't know what to do. Everyone was fucking people started running and I didn't, And so I just had cigarettes on me and I threw the cigarettes on. Oh my god, I threw this. I threw a cigarette there. You weren't allowed to have cigarettes. You're fifteen. That's an

eighteen year old purchase. But can you have them at that age? I don't know. I don't think so, but I'm sure he would have looked the other way. But okay, you threw the cigarette. I threw a cigarette back underneath and explorer. I still remember. I remember that and uh, my buddies like did you just throw a cigarette? I just remember him looking at me going, did you just throw a siaretes? Like right before the cop came. I was like, dude, I was like yeah, I mean I'm nervous.

You know. He's like, what are you getting rid of the contraband? And I was like okay, dude, okay whatever. So then the cop comes. I have two of my buddies jump the sea walls so Florida, swim in the river, risking their lives with alligators and swim like a mile away. The cop wasn't gonna We were all like private rich kids, like this cop is probably just gonna be like, yeah, like you just run though, because you're so afraid. It's kind of like what you're saying with the bridge thing

with the tornado. They went under the bridge, so they brain they're swimming away. They swim like a mile and a half, like they like lived on an island for a year, they grew a beard out, you know, they changed their whole life. So there so um no, so they swim away, and uh, the compents of like yeah, you guys, can't party here. Also, did someone throw cigarettes? I was like, so the cop goes to where your high, Like, after you run the cop find you, did they change

kind of run? I didn't run. I I just I just you just stayed through My friends My friends ran. Did you also throw like the sugar you had, the candy you had got earlier that day? What about the comic books and that picture of the girl with the big boobs you drew, ay man, you don't know what the CODs are gonna get you forward? Back then you were like, I cussed an hour ago. Fuck. I hope he didn't hear that. That's so funny you say that, because that's actually setting up the next part of his story.

So my friends they swim away. I finally, like, I end up passing out at one of the kids houses by the party because the kid that I was supposed to go home with is the one that ran and swam. So I get to his house the next morning and it's the kid whose dad we steal the weed from. So so you guys don't know if these kids survived or not. No, No, he was one of the kids that swam. That swam. Those guys came back though eventually eventually they came bad. Were the cops like, um, we

have to go searching for their bodies now? Like were they alarmed that they swam off or that they don't care? They're not calling the boat cops on kids. They just are like they're probably laughing at these there. I mean it's like, oh, yeah, that's actually a good point. Maybe they're worried about them drowning. Yeah, yeah, I guess not implored. Everyone can swim early, so uh you know they're riding

amnatey just chilling. So anyway, so then we're getting I get back to the house, the house that we initially stole the weed from, and the kids sitting there with his parents literally doing do you remember, um, what's the movie with slick shoes where they try to find uh fuck? Um, don't you know this reference isn't even lighting up anything in my head? Dude, I know you've seen this movie Goonies.

Remember I know Goonies, but I've never seen it. Okay, So there's this kid and Goonies who gets in trouble and he ends up they go tell us everything everything, and he goes in third grade. Still, it's literally where you're just talking about I still a twinkie from Mrs. So my buddy's doing that. I walk into him telling his parents every bad thing we've done our whole childhood

because he ran away from the girl. Oh my god, Now mind you, I can't give away too much and I can't give away that, but I'll tell you that all fair. But so then the mom is like reprimanding us, and the dad he's the one who's weed we stole. He's pretending like he cares, but he can't. He has no argument because his eyes are red and it's his weed. So he's just going, oh, like's just making noises, right, and my buddy's spilling all the beans everything, saying everything

we've done bad since fifth grade. My mom comes to pick me up, and I just remember the my friend's mom going, you're you know, you know our sons have been smoking pot, and my mom I just remember, like she wouldn't have really cared, but you gotta, like course, but she has to pretend because the parents are expecting her to. And our moms care more about what other parents think than actually doing what they like. Why you

just droven out? You just drove an hour drunk to pick me up like, you know, like you you hit like the same thing. So then she looks at me and it gets real quiet, and she goes, you smoked marijuana like it was the most PARENTI parent parent thing and you were just like cool, mom, Yeah, okay, yeah, who know how what are you gonna ground me? Is? So you come out of your room, mom, and maybe I'll go to mine. It's the browning yourself mom with the wine you drink on the rocks. Hilarious, Holy sh it.

So anyhow, so I end up having to ride back home with my and like we still stole weed from them. Yeah, like that didn't stop. So anyways, but that was the fun, little hi were the ones that got upset and told your mom. Those seem like the cool parents. Any parents that are growing weed, aren't they the ones that are like, we'll let you do it if it's in front of us, Like, aren't they the cool? They were somewhat cool, but they

they you know, there's just peer pressure there. One now, the dad who was the biggest fucking deadhead you would ever meet, like was crying when Jerry Garcia died, followed the dead is the biggest fucking trumper you'd ever meet now, and it's just like, you know, capitalism and living in a small town like Dad where a lot of people are Trump heads, you just you forget about how you used to fucking drop L S. D And hang with fucking Jerry Garcia and can roll around in grass and

be naked in the mud. And now it's like, no, I want to fucking sit on a golden chair and listen to a guy that's never even fucking how to drink or smoke, you know what I mean, Like I don't know what's happening. But anyhow, that was a fun high school story and made me think it final thought,

it really reminds me of a couple of things. Actually, the first time I got caught drinking to my parents, they you know, my friend's parents like drove me and Kirsten to my parents house, which is in the same neighborhood, and was like, we caught the girls drinking over at our house and my parents, were you drinking? Where did you get the still beer from the from her parents garage? And we were just like up in her room like chugging beer, chugging wine, like whatever. You just schnops whatever

you can find. And it's so gross, and I remember the boys sprints it away, and I just remember we were outside. We had drank in her bedroom. We were keeping it all like in this trunk, and then we

went outside in our front yard. It was like twilight, and there were like boys that came up to meet us, and it was freshman year, and I remember the garage, her garage door slowly opening and her dad was just standing there with our with the booze, just like busted ladies, and he was just slowly revealed like it was being downloaded, you know, like in with like a bad boom, and

he was just appearing slowly. And then they drove us home to my parents knocked on the door, and I remember like kind of expecting my parents to be a little upset, but they were mainly they were just like get in here, like what they didn't care. I always I obeyed my parents because and I wasn't a bad kid who did stuff, not because I didn't know my parents were not going to punish me for stuff, because

they weren't. They allowed me to make mistakes, but I just did it because I just knew for whatever reason my parents I thought they potentially could even though when they did doll out like go to your room. I followed it, and I was scared of them, but they still never really followed through with any punishment. Like I used to have really big crying fits and they would be super embarrassed by them and say, the way you were acting right now, if this continues, you are not

You're not gonna go to six Flags. Not only are you not gonna go tonight to the thing you're crying about, You're not gonna And then I go and I was just like, I mean, I'm an adult, nearly an adult woman throwing herself on the floor and just I just remember them. Yeah, Like one night, I remember when I was like maybe five, I threw a fit in um

a convenient story my mom. I was on the floor sobbing, crying because my mom was like, let's pick out a comic book and I wanted to get the Barbie one and she was like, let's get Batman for your dad. He'll love that. And I just started crying instantly, and she was like, well, then we're definitely not getting Barbie,

like you're not gonna win this. And I remember just feeling so helpless, like there's no way I can get this Barbie thing, and the only what the only thing to do is to just double down on the thing I've just started, because I've already embarrassed myself in front of my mom. She's like in front of other people. And I just fell to the ground, screaming, crying, and I remember I remember being humiliated by it. Her finally

like picking me up and pulling me out. And then I went home and she was like, you're going to bed, You're going to your room, and I had never happened before. I went to my room and I remember my dad bringing my dinner on a plate like to my room and like being like, you have to eat in your room. And I remember it was fried chicken, and I remember me like, I'm not going to eat this because I'm

gonna show them that I don't. I'm if they don't let me do it the way I want to, I'm not gonna And then I was like really hungry, and I was years yeah, and then I was like I'm never gonna eat again. But something that really made me sad that it reminded me of was there was this comedian Brett Clawson in St. Louis when I started so funny. One of the guys that like, he was probably like in his mid to late twenties, but he seemed so

much older to me. But he was just one of those guys that a comics comic like, Oh my god, that's the guy everyone wants to be. And he had put out an album and he was having a little successes, but um, he was just a guy that like drank a lot and had like just a problem with cahol, even though he was so nice and so he reminiately reminded me of Jesse Camp, remember him who won the contest.

Very lanky, funny like kind he was. He got pulled over for like a d u I and he ran from the cops and he jumped over what he thought was like a guardrail thing and it was a like two story drop onto concrete and he was in a comma and then he died. And it was all because he was trying to run from the cops. So the lesson years, don't run from the fucking cops. Um, I think that's a lesson, right, And I know it was so fucking sad, And I'm trying to think where I was.

You were throwing cigarettes underneath the Forward Explorer they're part of them in lights, Dude, that's six seven. It was so tragic. It was there was like a sweep. There was like a lot of like bad things that right after Brett's death. This was a Funny Bone comedian in St. Louis, another Funny Bone comedian named Keith Cecil. It was the night before I was moving to New York. Um I had moved back home after I did the Tonight show.

I moved back home to St. Louis and I was just biding my time until I saved him money to move to New York. And it was the night before I was leaving to go to New York, and I remember I went to the Funny Bone for like one last hang with all the comics, and that night I

like said goodbye to Keith. He was like really drunk, and I remember like giving him a hug and then he left, and then my friend Josh left behind him, Josh Arnold, and then we got a call that Keith right outside the Funny Bone, like on getting on the highway was uh. Josh came up, was the first person on the scene to his scene. He I don't think it was wearing a seatbelt and he nearly died, like probably should have died, and he lost his ear, but now he does comedy again and he like talks about

not having an ear. But like we were like, oh my god, tragedy keeps striking and it was always like kind of a drunk driving incident, so be careful out there, and uh, Derety Pop, Direted, Dirted, Direted Pop and Jack Art Pap