#193 Ten Sauces

besties this weekend. I just want to say that I was walking in downtown Chicago with my parents after dinner on Saturday night and all I hear out of a car is best day. And I turned around and it was a bestie waving out the window. Um. Which, if you ever see me with my parents leaves, come up and talk to me. Because the reason I do this is so that my parents can think that I'm cool and love like. It's all because you want your parents. You know, I'm car blind. I don't know it was not.

They didn't pay off. I just go, don't be care and then they peeled off listening to come, my lady, Come, come, my lady, and like bumping the base. Um. And then I also had another bestie encounter. I was at Starbucks around the block from our apartment, the one I go to like every day. I was with my parents on Friday, and girl and her boyfriend, who was either mute or just didn't care to talk, UM ran over and was like it didn't run over, but she was like, hi,

I'm sorry. Everyone. Besties are so sweet. They're always and by the way, we call our our fans besties because it's like so lame that it's funny. And it also is like you guys are our best friends because we talk like we do to our best friends on here, Like I don't even like people who aren't like I don't like my family to listen to this because it feels like a chat with my best friends. And you wouldn't talk the same way to your girlfriends as you

and your family, even though my mom does listen. So I gotta watch myself. But um, a bestie came up and and said high and she was like, I was driving past and I you know, she was visiting from a different part of St. Louis and she was like, and I said to my boyfriend or husband or whoever it was. He didn't talk, but he was so cute, just like a shopping husband, like holding her purse. She gotta go talk to Lazer and um, she was like,

and I've heard this a lot. They go I saw a Starbucks and I was also like, what if I saw Nicki Glazer? Like when people driving around St. Louis they say that we've heard that before, with fans being like, what if we saw Nickie and Andrew? And then there they are? And so it was really cute and I loved Please come up to me whenever parents are not. I loved it. It was so fun. I did feel like the one in St. Louis was like beautiful or not, but it felt like she was so cute and adorable

that she could have stalked us. Oh you mean the one that stopped us a few Like it's to be on I think it's gonna be on Welcome Home Nicki Glazer, which is coming out May first. I really independent on all of you besties watching the premiere on May one on E. I know that that's like I don't even

know how to get E. How do I figure it? Out, go to your friend's house, tweet about it, do whatever you can, because you know, Cable is kind of, you know, struggling, and it's really important to like have They're going to decide whether or not we get a second season based

on how the first few episodes perform. And I just want to say, like, if you, um, if you get the word out and watch that premiere episode, it's gonna be two episodes back to back, actually episode one and two, which I haven't even seen to dying to um of Welcome Home. Nicki Glazer question Mark on May one, Sunday, May one. UM, I would really really appreciate. We're going to talk about it a lot coming up. But that girl appeared on the show and she was so sweet.

Yeah it seems like a plant because she was like crying and shaking and adorable. Yeah, it was. You could have stabbed one of us and we're like, you can slap the ship at me. Um. Now I want to just ask how did you all how did we all come to find out about what happened? Were you watching it live? What was going on? I want to say that I had given up on oscars. You know, I realized I only watched the Oscars for the comedy I

Want to See. I don't really care about in the speeches of someone giving a crazy speech, but really it's about especially this time watching Amy Schumer and Wanda Sykes. But Wanda, they kind of gave this weird like did you see that bit her? Like you didn't like I didn't like the Oh well, I didn't like the Regina, but she's not comedian. I know, Um, what is her last name of Hall? Regina? I don't want to suck it up. It's not Regina name. Um yeah, so Regina Hall,

Amy Schumer and want the Sykes hosted. And I was obviously very excited to see Amy host because she's just the fucking funniest and I knew she was going to kind of gervase it and like really go all out, and she did. She killed it so many great lines. Um. I really loved. Even though that joke has been made a million times about Leo having young girlfriends, I loved the just such a funny joke that he's leaving the world a better place, you know, fighting climate change for

his girlfriends. And then also, um, there finally there was a movie made about the Williams sisters. Dad, that's great. So many I like a joke, even if it is said a lot on that big of a stage, because that's that's Leo's land, like the Oscars, that's Leo's world. You don't come into Leo's world and take down Leo. Yeah, you're so right. And I wondered if he was even there, because I think he was. I mean, his movie was up, but I don't think he was up for Best Actor.

He was driving around a movie theater in his car trying to pick up women. According to Jo Jared, like the Gossip side, I think he just went to the after party. Okay, that makes sense. Um, you know, any mention is good. So he can roll his eyes all he wanted that, and celebrities can go. I don't to be the butt of jokes, but it's bad. Press is

good press. If someone's joking about you, it's good. When I would go to the roast in a comic would get up there or a celebrity would get out there and just totally skipped me, it was a terrible feeling, as opposed to just saying something awful about me, having like Baldwin say, I don't uh, nicky glazers here. I don't even know what a nicky glazer is. Like that was. That's so even though it's acknowledging that I'm a nobody, it was it's great to have him say my name.

Um So, I just want to say before we get started on the Chris Rock stuff that I I tuned in for Amy. She fucking killed it. And then wandas likes. They gave some kind of like bit where she was going through a museum and it was really just not great. And obviously Wanda is one of the funniest people ever, so it was just like a missed opportunity with her. But then Regina Hall had a bit where she came out and they set it up in the beginning where Amy was like, I'm something like, I forget what they

were saying. I'm excited to be here. Wanda was like, I'm surprised that I got asked in. Regina is like, and I'm single. So they set it up she's single, which I thought was I thought the joke was weird,

and then I saw, oh, this is paying off. Later we're setting her up a single she's looking for a guy, and then she says, you know, not everyone got COVID tested, we need to do some swapping backstage, and she calls up all like the single handsome actors, and she even made a joke about Will Smith at that point, being like, what's the deal with you guys? Is that? I thought that was hilarious. Steven references open marriage, which we all

know about but no one really talks about. And then but I just thought that whole bit was just I was shocked that anyone let that happen. You know, when like someone a celebrity does black face and you go, how did someone not stop you from doing that? How did you did this pass through every you know? And I'm not comparing the two stop with the things of like do you think black face is the same as Regina Hall doing? Like no, I'm just saying, how, yeah,

that'd be so hilarious. I was like, I think they're exactly nine eleven, and Chris Rock getting in the face is the same. I don't know why anyone would argue that's just totally not so well if he got hit twice. Did you see the bit? Did you see the reginal All bit? Yeah? You did. That's when I stop watching. Yeah, it made me so I watched it through my fingers.

After after I realized what the premise was and I was just like oh, and then saying that she was going to swap them with her tongue, saying that she wanted to made a joke about one guy, I know you're legal euphoria joke. He wasn't even there, Jacob Ellardy. He was backstage. She was about to give a work. And then also um, the part about them getting naked, her filming some stuff with them, filming them against like

their will, like it was all like a trick. Was like that porn you watch or I watched mostly where it's like doctors like take advantage of these unknowing women. I mean I watched stuff that scripted, and obviously this was scripted. But then she felt up the people walking out the too, Um, I forget. It was probably like

Jason Momoa and someone else. She after she said, okay, here there they come out and it wasn't so uncomfortable weird, and the guys couldn't talk so they're just standing so and they were laughing, but it was like so weird. And then the audience shots people were like, I thought I was going to go on Twitter and see everyone being like that was terrible. Everyone loved it so much, and it's I'm sorry. If Amy would have done that bit, she would have been pilloried for it, like she would

have been. It would have been like, that's so cringe. Why is she like, we get it, you're single, it's gross, she's sexual like, But for some reason it was adorable when Regina did. I just don't understand why it was celebrated. Even Jesse Fox, who is a guy who does a podcast called Good One. He's uh, he is a writer for He does a podcast called Good When. He's like pretty much a comedy connoisseur writer and he's very well respected.

He has great taste in comedy. I love reading his stuff on a lot of like you know, interviews with him, and and um, he wrote like that was just amazing, and I just go, what am I missing? And he said to do a bit that's awkward and to have that much like he had a good point. She did

a good performance. The bit was stupid, though, And I just want to say that I couldn't get past the double standard of like if if a man was doing this, how gross this would be to say he was gonna slap someone's these young girls that he just checked if they're legal with his tongue, And I hate this double standard thing. I hate that argument, and I just want to say, if I think it's not that I'm saying

Regina Hall shouldn't been able to make that joke. I'm just saying that a guy should be able to make that joke too, because it is comedy and it's just a joke. So I'm not saying I'm offended. I am offended because I can't believe that men aren't allowed to

do that. If women are allowed to make those jokes, we need to be And I understand that men are stronger and like have an advantage, but so many men have been victimized by women, both in you know, sexual harassment, touching men inappropriately, especially comics who women after a meet and greets. All my male comic friends get felt up all the time by women, and of course they're stronger than women and so they can push them off. It's a different kind of vibe than women with men, you know,

annoying them. But I do know that it's actually it's less acceptable to complain about, so these guys have to stay with the secret and they have to. You know, young boys that get preyed upon by their school teachers. They they they get like, oh, you know, he died of high fiving everyone. That was zac Alfanakis his joke. Did you hear about the kid who slept with this his teacher? He died of high five and too hard.

And so it's like a lot of guys, it's the same as the penis thing of, Like small penises get made fun of, and we all let it slide because no one who's getting their small penis made fun of is gonna go, hey, I have a small penis. And we all think laugh and joke about male sexual horror, sexual harassment towards males by women because all they can send it off. But any guy that was like, hey I was actually raped by a woman, I don't like that.

You know what guy's going to say that first of all, because it's just, you know, uncomfortable to admit that thing, and they shouldn't have to. But you know what I'm saying, it least stay quiet, and so we keep doing it. If you get harassed as a teenager and you have if you have a big dick, it's fine, right, is that? What you're saying, yeah, and that was my point. So let's move on to the thing everyone's talking about. I was in bed because I had already given up. Um.

I get I'm on Reddit. I'm looking at you know, videos of warts being scraped down, and I get a text from Chris, my boyfriend, and Jen, my assistant, and one other person that just said, um, I just want to read the text that I got from Chris. Um. I read on Twitter something like was that real? Was that punch real? And then I go, what the funk happened? Wait? I texted you guys that yes, oh, and then you texted that right after I saw on Twitter, and I was like, what was real? Okay, so I got what

what wtf just happened with Will Smith? Um, Chris sent me a bunch of voice memos. He goes turn it on. Now I know that because I already pulled him on, like I'm in bed, I gave up, and he goes, get out of bed, it's worth it, and he goes go to Twitter and tweet it looks like Chris Rock is going to have to move in with his auntie and uncle and bel Air just tweet it. Just trust me, And because he have a bigger audience, and I was like, okay, this is the ultimate trust and so I tweeted it.

It Everyone ended up making that joke, but I was one of the first because Chris told me to do it and um and then I was like okay, and I climb out of bed and I turned back on the TV and I go back and watch it, and my I mean, everyone was saying punch. Someone on Twitter did say, why did that slap sound like punch? Because it was more than a slap. I mean, he lifted. It was like a pim slap. He It showed that he spent time as Muhammad Ali. That's what he showed me.

It showed me that he method actor and he has not forgot how to throw right. And he hit him in a way that like it was almost more demoralizing to get slapped. It's almost when in front of slap where there isn't a bitch punch. When he walked up and was still you see you see Chris see him. That was an interesting part to me, where you go from things are fine to like oh god, to getting defensive. Well, why did you think it was fake or did you a lot of people still think it's fake. It's insane.

So I just like watch it in slow motion on Twitter, and Chris Rock's legs barely moved. It was only his upper body that went off to the side. It was stills of it are insane, yes, but when I kept watching it slowly, it did look like maybe like spit came out of Chris Rock's mouth, so I was like, Okay, well that is real. And his his cheek kind of rippled, yes, a lot, because he didn't. It was such a hard slap that you would think it would land him on

his ass almost or at least he'd stepped back. Yeah, it would like definitely like like rock him off the position that he was in, and he kind of like stayed stationary. You know, Hollywood makes some bad choices where you go, How did anyone think this was gonna be funny? That to me though, it just it didn't seem there was no way I could make it into it was fake. And also the muting of the TV after it happened,

which I saw. I get it. You saw it on Twitter, so you thought it might have been a stunt, the muting afterwards, and then when you saw what he really said, get your get my wife's name out of your fucking mouth. Get your west by West name out of your mouth. Um, it was absolutely not fake and yeah he uh, it would be funny if Logan Paul was behind all this

from Slap Championships that you almost hosted. Oh my god, maybe it did hilarious Who hosted it was Paul and then it could have been Nicki Glazer but I never wrote then back from that point Island is Logan balls Man attorney room. He was like, I think he would be great at this to Vench, don't forget me for other things, but I might be bigger than ever now. Sometimes I like forget huge things like I'm not kidding you, Like when I get asked to do things, I have

to say that I did. Um. I met Francis Ford Coppola on uh Thursday and like held his hand, talked to him for about thirty minutes, audition with him for another thirty minutes. He signed a wine bottle for my parents to e J and Julie, he wrote it, signed a book for me. I spent so much time with him on Thursday. Um, I forgot about that. I even it was funny because after the slap he was on he was one of the next presenters or like doing the Godfather thing. He's up on stage and I was

just like, oh my god. I just was with the person, but I was just like going through Twitter like I forgot. And then the weirdest thing that I just want to say before we we're gonna get into the Chris Rock thing in top one, bottom one in our segment do

you ever have this? It's the first time it's happened to me where something is so exciting you blackout and you forget that it happened, and you just it's almost like in a dream, you know, when you wake up from a dream where you're like hooking up with your dream person, or you have your dream job, or you went flying, and it's just was so good that you have to forget it because it's just too sad that it didn't happen. But I think for you, two days later,

you were singing with Wilco. So that's what I'm saying this. I was with Wilco, I think, but it's not this in your hand, you know what I mean. Yes, so too many things are happening. But when I was on f uh Perfect Strangers, Perfect Perfect, but I was on Perfect Strangers too. I got asked to do carpool karaoke with UM, a band that I was not into because I'm friends with one of the producers that worked there.

And she was like, any chance, you're a huge blah blah blah fan, And I said, I don't like blah blah law, but I'm sure you can find someone I would love to do that show though I'm a fan of And then I said, uh. I gave her three choices and I thought, no chance for any of these people, and then she comes back with Wilco said yes immediately, and I called my parents right away. We were on

the set way to the set to Perfect Strangers. I called my parents on speaker because they got me into Woco, and I told them Um about it, and then I went to set and I didn't talk about it or think about it after that because it was so it was too much excitement of like, this is like the biggest thing that's ever happened to me in terms of getting to hang out with someone who has impacted my life in such a profound way that I couldn't I

couldn't handle it. And I talked to Chris. Chris Chris Conty, My boyfriend is a huge WOCO fan as well, huge, huge, huge, and one of the reasons why we got along so well. And I was tracked to do him in the beginning, and he I didn't tell him for three It was like three days until I remembered three days later. I remember I didn't tell anyone it was it was wild because it was too much and if I was to stay in that, I wouldn't be present for perfect strangers.

I couldn't have gotten on with my day because it would just have freaked me out too much. And after the weekend I had with Wilco, which I'm going to talk about either more today or tomorrow. Um, after Columbine. Yeah, well we're gonna get to Columbine. Um, we're gonna get through all that. But UM, I want to talk to about my Wilco experience because I want to honor it and I don't want to move on to the next

big thing, which I'm going to shoot tonight. I'm going to New York because I'm shooting Beat Bobby Flay that show, and that's another really fun thing that could easily just like make me forget about the thing that just happened, so I don't want to forget it. And it was truly the most the best thing that could have happened happened with the Wilco weekend. And we'll talk about that later. We'll talk about Chris Rock. We're gonna go to break and we'll come back with the news. Andrew, all right,

we're back. Let's get to the news. Oh man, it's Monday, folks. You know what that means. It is Monday. I hope you're having all the swells. I'm sure Chris Brock has one on his faith right now. Hey, now, I didn't write that. I was completely improv or was it? Okay? Alright, first story is did you know that their parents in Thailand who are trying to use science and technology to

bring their daughter back to life. Okay, I just heard that physicists determined that information might be a sixth sense or no matter. It might be a new form of matter. That information is now could be qualified as matter, which is not something that was so Okay, things things are happening. Tyler Henry is talking to dead people and Netflix tell

me about this. Okay. So, the two year old girl nicknamed Eines is the youngest person to be cryogenically frozen, preserving her brain moments after death in the hope that she would one day be brought back to life. I mean, science will get there. Let it go go. I know, I shot a thing with Marian and Luigi two weeks ago, and um, I was talking about my desire to have Mary and uh uh taxidermy next week. She's not. She's

not gonna die next week. But like, I just want to have her put down because I think I just want to get it as soon as possible. But when she does die, no, I want to have her talk to every and my dad is refusing. No. She already looks at is it weird to take these measures? I mean that is a way for me to keep her alive. To me, because when the physical part of her is still there, No, what do you think? Checks jermy not

so much. But like this whole process, I got into it a little bit and read more about at it, and basically they extracted her brain and they're keeping her brain like they filled it with all these fluids and they're keeping it at a temperature that's negative a hundred and nine degrees celsius. And it's if they're just preserving it in this special center in the home one day, wait for Joan to like recover from It's like Futurama.

It's exactly exactly that it's Futurama. They're basically just like keeping her brain in like a jar. So what do they want to do with the brain. They want to waiting for technology to catch up, and then they're gonna yeah. Right. My question was though, like if technology, let's say it happens like two years from now, does that mean that this lab has to be opened that long? Yeah? What if they have to close down? What do they do

with the bodies? I'm guessing that they're just going to have uh, you know, if it closes down, it's like it but I feel like they you would have to leave money so that it but you know't did you see you don't look up? At the end, they all returned to Earth after they were frozen and sent to space.

Earth blows up there frozen for thousands of years. They come back when the Earth has kind of regrown and they land and they're instantly like eaten by I'm just this girl would wake up, let's say her brain, and then everyone's dead. I mean, it's just not. I mean

it's it really is. Death is really hard, and that's why I love that book that I just read, UM that I keep talking about by Carrie Egan k E R R E g A, and I forget that if it's on living, I think is what it's called, and it just talks about death and it really um it was a beautiful take on death that I've I've been thinking about a lot recently. Let's get to the next news story. Okay, a singer was hospitalized because she was on she was not on farting terms with her partner. Okay,

so she was so stopped up. Yeah. I had a joke about this in my um on my half hour that I did with Netflix, about how when Chris and I broke up, he left. I remember he like we broke up and it was like that moment where it was really done and the door shut and I was

just I farted for nine years. Like. It was also about like that that sound that you know sometimes I will hold in a fart around people that I don't want to fart in front of, and your someone will make that sound like the fart will get sucked back up and it's like, yeah, it'll make a sound of like you're hungry, but it sounds like it's growling. And I we used to do that, and I'd be like, oh, I'm so hungry, and Chris is like, you just ate

a bunch of beans, Like why would? That's obviously not what it It's so sucked up fart, but um, yeah, it's very painful to hold in farts. And I think a lot of times my aggression I used to when Chris and I used to live together, I was so fucked up with my food and eating just such weird you know, artificial sweeteners that just make you a bloated like giggly puff, Like I was just a balloon. I was like Macy's Day Parade pot stomach always gassy. Um. I was miserable because I was holding it in and

I couldn't let it out. Do you think that's why people at home just like I'm not even getting like, is that a reason for like an extra bathroom? Christ and I will if we ever moved together, we will get at least two bathrooms because we like to do that kind of stuff. Separate and and farting terms with your boyfriend? No, are your on farting terms with um av and if you are, what is it just like whenever or do you have to warn each other? Um?

We are not on farting terms. And it's because I learned my lesson from a previous relationship where there was like no boundaries with that, like we would literally like ship in front of each other. And I think it just like takes away not the sexiness, but it kind of blurs the line between like a relationship boyfriend, girlfriend, lover and and and buddies exactly. And if you do fart with your it's fine. I don't want to hear a message from you being like, no, we have great sex.

I get, like, I understand that this is not there's exceptions to this rule, but for me, I do think that it takes it into friend territory. And I used to kind of get a little bit upset that Chris was so anti bathroom stuff because I pee with the door open, like I'll be with you with you, I respect that you have a girlfriend now, so I'm like, Okay, I'm not gonna like leave it open, but generally, like with my friends, I will just do. And Chris is not my friend, he is my friend, but I want

there to be a difference. I want to like, it's a level of respect. I wouldn't do that in front of someone I was. It's about respect. I think, what about you and Brenna, we fire in front of each other. I fart more for sure. Yeah, I get that. I definitely warn you before she does it. Will she go like I have to fart and then you'll laugh? Or will she just do it? At this past one point we were there and now it's just you know, I sometimes get woken up and try to get different different.

It is different because you can't control it. No, no, I'm saying in the morning, I'll wake up to it. They're still cute. They're still so cute. Yeah, they're so cute. But no, like I think the level for me is shitting in front of each other. I think I think that's kind of where And I know farting is just an appetizer for shifting in front of someone. You want,

you want, you want there. That is true when someone farts here, like there's a lot of shit in there, Like that's just sometimes that you smell a fart and you're like you need to go take like that's in your bunch of shit is in your body, but her farts honestly, and I'm not just being so cute, but they don't smell, and I think it's smell. Is definitely ends up affacting it. But I do think like shitting should let's keep that unless you're into that, like you know,

a guitar player. We know, you know, yes, there's yeah, there's certain people out there that love shitting and scat play in bed. Um do you want to say though that, like I, Um, we can't. It's the biggest blind item ever that we know this about a certain someone. But I do want to say that. Um, I think the comfort level, like I was always I I'm just so

happy with my relationship right now. I just want to say that because I always felt like there was a part of me like holding myself back because I was you know, especially like I quitted, like not being able to fart in front of him, with a lot of

other things. And now I can see the difference between not being able to fart in front of someone and also being able to really tell them anything, talk to them about anything, UM, have them be able to handle like me looking any certain way, Like I just it's so funny to have been with someone for off and on for eight years and to have it feel at this point like completely new relationship, Like I have a boyfriend.

It's I'm so excited about it, and people that in my life are like, we've been hearing about this guy forever, Like it's it totally feels like a new person, but with all of the great history that we do have. Um,

I'm just really really happy. And I know that he's like to hear what I'm happy, but I'm just like so like, yeah, you guys broke up times, got back all that ship, but like people change, people are in relationships, you know what I mean, if you're still together, Like, oh, this feels like we have a know whenever someone says I did this on my um in my act, when people are like, we've been together for fifty years, and it's just like, I feel like that's not a good thing.

But we just honored that we weren't getting and I reserve the right for us to break up again, Like this isn't just but right now, I just feel like when people say men change, people don't you know, it's not that he we both have changed, and like we just you know what, people don't change, but people uh, educate themselves, and they they absorb more information and they get they have a willingness to admit that maybe the way they're doing things isn't right. People people don't change it.

He still is who he is in the way he always is. But what he has and what I have had, is a willingness to say I might not be right. I'm just gonna see if this other way of doing things works. And I can always go back to my way, but maybe this other person, who I think is a percent wrong might be right. And we need more of that, including with the Chris Rock thing. Like I want to

consider that Will Smith was right. I want to I want to actually try that on for size, put that on, see how it fits, and like maybe open my mind to the thing that I know is wrong. And I think that's why Chris and I have been able to reach this place, is to go maybe I'm wrong. Yeah, it's all comes down, but no epiphany, and it's like, yeah, I don't know. He doesn't. He does, though, hate fragrance, and I just want to say I'm obsessed with this new fragrance that I got a sample of from sephora

Um when I ordered a bunch of stuff. It's called clean I think I found my fragrance. By the way, a lot of bestie sent me ideas and I just couldn't um I haven't. It's called Clean Reserve and it's by Aqua near No, I don't know it's It's called Clean Reserve Aqua A C qu A n E r O l I Andrew. I want you to do a spurse of it, just one spray, because I have a little vial of it, and see what you think for a feminine scent. Just it's nice, it's soft, right, it's

not too much. And I sprayed. I actually only sprayed a decent amount, enough to get me up. But who the fund is this? And I feel like it's not even like a female. It's like just a nice favorite spray. Is a spray you known't It's like a haircut that you don't even know what happens. Is this count of that? It's just it's on the tip of being too fragrancy for me. Yes, because you just spray it and you're

spelling directly on your wrist. But if you were around a girl that's just watching that from Yes, but I don't like it yet. An overfray. There are only fragrance heads out there. If you don't, what do you think? I want to know what other people think of it, because I might be wrong and I only have one guy. It's called clean clean reserve is what is on that? I like it? I like? Um. No, do we have another news item or do we want to move on to steggies? No, let's do this last news item because

I think you really want to know this. After thirty five years, Starbucks made a bittersweet announcement. Um, they're raising their price is every month for the rest of time. No, they're doing away with their iconic white paper cup with its green logo of a two tailed mermaid. What are they going to do next? That mermaid has to tails. It's like cut in half. She looks like okay, all right. So they're making changes in an effort to eliminate the billions of the white paper cups that end up in

landfills around the world every year. Um, and they're trying to eliminate Okay, they're not recyclable, by the way. That's that is the worst part about those cups, because they the inside needs to be plastic for the heat. I mean, obviously there's the way to do it that they could recycle it, but it would cost money. My drink has gone from five dollars and forty cents to seven dollars and eighty nine cents within two years. Every day seven

dollars eighty four cents. Uh No, keep going, Tom's. This is what's annoying about this to me, is there claiming that it's an environmental thing. They're gonna save so much money by not making up what are they gonna do it? At the same token, the price that they're paying is people are not walking around with their you know, with

a little billboard and the logo exactly. So they're also that marketing that logo might be contributing the fact that they see that logo so much in landfills and on streets and like sometimes you see trash and it becomes like the face of trash, you know, and cups are so the face of trash. At the point, if there's a trashing woman out there there the face of the

backseat of my car, I'll tell you that. Okay, all right, So right now, there's a pilot program called Borrow a Cup, and the idea is that Starbucks will put your cup in, a reusable cup that you take with you and then you bring back to be professionally clean. They are in this. It's not going to up in what. This is all marketing. No one really cares about the environment. No one really cares this, and I don't want to say no one, but companies as big as this don't care. They care

about money. And it's greenwashing. That's what it's called. When a company pretends to care about the environment, it is a marketing ploy to go, oh, this is a good thing for the I'm gonna buy this because you bring a cup in and then you wash it for you. It doesn't make any sense. Can you imagine asking if I was a fucking well, they're going to have a certain like probably a station where it's they put all these cups on and they just have to press a

button or something, you know what I mean? Yeah, but then how are you gonna do VENTI grande depending on your cup? It's it's wild and I can't wait to see them roll it out and roll it back. Yeah, I'm going to be like Starbucks. I really. I recently read a thing on Reddit that said a Starbucks employee wrote, seriously, why do you like Starbucks so much. Employee wrote that it was like what is it? And I really I

saved it. Maybe I'll do it on Reddit dump tomorrow. Um, because it really made me go why and it's I'm looking at it as I have an addiction to Starbucks, to caffeine, but to Starbucks, I have an absolute addiction. It's a problem. And part of it is the green logo, the way the cut feels in my hand, the way the door feels when I swing it open, the way the music is blaring, like it just there's it makes you feel at home. When I make a coffee at my apartment with steam milk. I have a steamer now

because Robin sent me one. I have uh you know, sugar free vanilla Stevia that I can put in. It doesn't taste the same. I don't know what it is. And um, well, I think there's a lot of things. One we like to pay for things because then what is that? I don't know. I don't know what it is, but God do we feel good when we when we pay too much for an item. I love like I love spending money. I really it gives me something, especially

on other people. I like. I like paying full price for something when it's like, you know, during the pandemic, when my apartment that was paying and if you haven't heard this number before, I just I'm not trying to brag. I got an apartment for seventy a month because I was balling. I had never was double what I ever paid in my life for department and I never lived in it, and I'd pay a month for eleven months.

I got out of it in the last month. For eleven months I spent that and I never spent foot in that apartment. I many people were saying, don't pay it, just fight this. There's probably way to finagle out of this. And I felt good that I signed a lease and said I'm going to do this, and I stood by my word. And I was telling Chris that the other day, and he was like, it was probably like a like a fucking hedge fund that owned your building. Like you're

just like giving money to these like criminals. Like it's not like if it was like you know, a guy named gno him who like owned the building. But it's not that it's like this is this is Sterling Holdings LS, you know what I mean? It this is not the shell of a company that I actually killed. There is something I like about when I say I'm gonna pay something, I'm going to pay it. Yeah, for sure. I think though,

like with Starbucks. One of the efficiency it's like if you had a drug dealer, right, because the coffee is a drug, and you call your drug dealer and he's like, dude, i'll get that act like two days from now. Oh, you wouldn't keep that drug dealing. You wouldn't keep that drug or would you have the drug dealer? You spend twice as much and you go, oh, you're outside, all right, how did you even know how it's ordering? Yep, that's what it is. It's efficient. Smile and yeah, there's some

nice people's Starbucks that we go to. There's a couple of people that work there that are the nicest. You know. I'm on the Starbucks Reddit and Starbucks is big about their partners is what they call them. They don't call them like employees. Their partners being having like interactions, looking people in the eye, and I say, funck that so I would have so much rude behavior, you fucking do you?

But I will say that Starbucks and boys are better at ignoring, waiting little like harping customers, little Karen's circling around the bar. They're better at acting like you don't you're not there. Then you know Delta employees, and those are the two that are so good at having a conversation with the person they're dealing with or like working on. And they have no property. They have horse blinders on

their grade at it. You gotta go to Break, Yeah, it's just to the double line is the out orders and the people in store orders. Any Starbucks employs out there, I want to have one on as a guest. And really, if you worked at Starbucks for a lot of time and you have a lot of thoughts about it, please send us a d M and we might feature you on the show. That is the one thing I really want. Um, we gotta go to Break? Are we gonna come back with? We'll come back with Why do I care? All right?

Why do I care? Why do I care? All Right? So I'm gonna skip the whole slap and I'm going to go to Bob Saget was confusingly left out of the in Memorium segment where the oscars on Sun Nowhere talk about a slap in the face. Oh my god, or hit in the head. Um, holy shit, I did not know that. Um, you know what that is? That is insane because he was never in a movie. Was no, he was in He was in a ton of movies and he was all you know, let's talk about half Baked.

One of the best cameos ever. He was an Oscar winner apparently a Student Academy award in ninety seven for his black and white documentary Through Adam's Eyes. Okay, that is really they better get him next time. Are you allowed to throw them the next time? They should? That

is they owe they own an apology. That is insane. Um, I mean did the freaking oscars getting concoct And I got really upset about Bob Saget all over again the other day, like it just like um just you know, reports keep going out about what could have happened to him, and you know, the corner said, it's probably not some thing that happened in the bathroom because there are so many if he hit his head on heart surfaces, there would have been blood, there would have been broken skin

because of how badly he was hit. And there was a picture of the bed where they found him after they had taken him off the bed that has his imprint in it, and as all of his like has his um you know, ear air pods, it has his phone and has all those things on the side table, which really did make me go, Okay, I need to start having a more organized room just in case I don't wake up and people it ends up on daily mail because it was such a cute little like assortment.

You could just tell you it was ready for bed. You can see the the part on the pillow where his head was, but the headboard was padded, and perhaps people think that he hit something very hard padded and didn't think of how you know, damaging it could have been because it was padded. But also the front of his head was hurt too, So I'm I'm very confused

by all of it. And the drummer for Food Fighters, Oh yeah, I mean that was for some reason that even though I can't really need, he had energy to him. Taylor Hawkins guy smiling years old. Dude, I don't know why I got so fucking sad from him dying, dude, because I don't know, like it's someone I saw a lot of people that didn't really know him got sad it was weird. It was a weird. It was a weird death of me being like, I don't know why, but that guy seems so fucking genuine and so positive,

and then you write a song about it. Yeah, I wrote this song. Do you want to hear the lyrics? Taylor? Why the fund? Did you have to do ten different substances at once? But you still fucking rock and roll? Do you ever die? They're gonna find ten different sauces than your body. I went to so funny saying I went to the high Point. Have you ever been there? It's a very fam and I put more sauces in one and I liked them. You know, a suicide, Oh jeez, that's how I wanted. Well, it was like Sarata mayo,

honey mustard, mayonnaise, catch up and just get biggarnails. Everything was he was there any substances in his body when he passed. We found up to twelve sauces, including the Polynesian mustard that was from Chick fil A and he was eating at actually died because so we don't know how Yeah, oh yeah, you're gonna have a you know what, they find plastic now in our blood? Like classic particles like like a whale. You have you probably have like

hay fucking yeah, they know, like a shark. When they got open it, you're like a like a not a license plate. Put the license plate like border, that's plastic. There's gonna be unopened Polynesian sauces, Starbucks cups. Oh that's where they all went. A fishing net, a t just like random ship. I mean, there have got to be things inside you that haven't made their way out yet. You have a fingernail, Oh yeah, like just a little little ball of things, not a little I'm talking to

a full on grown adult. Yeah, making your their way through this probably caused your fissures. Those nails slicing you on the way out. Nails Oh yeah, where you spit them out you swallow? Depends Yeah, depends on if I little depends on if it has sauce underneath, like crusted on it, a little ballop um. All right, let's get to Monday's segment, Top one, Bottom one, where we pick the top one and the bottom thing of a certain category. Today's category is um modeled after what happened last night

at Oscars. Noah, what is it? So it's the best and worst or like the top one bottom one take of the Chris Rock Will Smith lap heard around the world. Yes, that is um. I love that. We initially said tweets, but we're gonna do takes. Um, let's start with the best. I'm going to share mine first. This is from Christa Stefanel, one of the funniest comics ever. If you don't follow him, he's Chris D Comedy on Twitter and uh, I think on Instagram Chris D Comedy and he's he's just one

of the funniest guys ever. And this is his take. Once was this his anxiety Tuesday? Yes, this is he does anxiety Tuesdays, but they're never on Tuesday, and they're just him talking really fast and it's hilarious. And this is truly all that needs to be said about what happened. I am on Chris Rock side. I mean, really, you're gonna slap a guy over a freaking g I Jane joke. I don't care what happened in your life before that. So he's making fun of Will Smith and j to

Pickett Smith's relationship for a long time. It's like, because it's toxic. You can obviously see it's toxic. I mean, she publicly says she cheats on you all the time, and Will Smith's obviously the k which is fine. Just come out and be free, be open, be gay, be happy. I mean it's literally the most toxic relationship I've ever seen a life. That's coming for me, so I'm telling you. I mean, the fact of the matter is, this is the narcissism in the oscars. He is disgusting. Why we're

still glorifying act as an actasist is beyond me. I mean, dude, a hundred years ago, the people would honor kill themselves and their families if their kids came out and said they were actors. I mean, it's some ship. I believe there's someone else. I'm supposed to give you a million dollars. Fuck you, I mean, what are you talking about? I hate it all. I do have an auditional later, so fingers crossed, I get it, and um, I just want

to say a couple of things about that. Uh yeah, I mean I I had a bunch of tweets last night. I actually got called this or I got I woke up this morning like really famished and like I think I got like Legionnaire's disease at my hotel this weekend. So I was like, you know, you wake up with coughing violently and I look at my phone it's six am,

and babui. Gary del About texted me being like, hey, any chance you could call in uh to Howard today and um and and we want to talk about Chris rock thing and so Gary called me on the list

of comedians that they want to hear. Yeah, it was nice. Well, someone said like, I'm not gonna say what someone time, it doesn't matter, no, no, no no, I'll tell you but Guitarsh and so Andrew, so uh, I gotta be honest though, I was just like I don't want to do this because I last night I was tweeting a lot and there were a lot of people going like, white people, you need to set this one out and like, oh, like you just don't want to have a bad take that paints you like as just a Karen or like

making A lot of people were like, great job making this about you, Nikki, And I'm like, how was I making it about me? To compare this to the Weinstein thing? And yes I did compare it to the Weinstein thing because my point and I told this on Howard, So I called into Howard. Howard was so sweet. Him and

Robin were great. I even said the thing about, you know a lot of people on Twitter saying white people need to see this one out, and Robin was like, oh, give me a break, you know, like she even was like and that was nice to hear, but I do I when I hear that, When I see that, I go, Okay, what's going on here? Like I need to maybe take a step back because I'm not the one to tell white people that. I'm not the one to tell me when I need to sit down. It's going to be

someone who's not me. So um. What I said, though, was that Ashley Hustletine had just written a tweet that said something like, we just watched an entire room of people, the entire room of people just watch someone punched last someone in the face, sit back down, and now he is on stage and they're giving him a standing ovation. And then I just wrote in quotes you know above that, and I said, how did Weinstein get away with it

for so long? Because that's everyone's question of like everyone knew, not everyone's, but people whenever something like this comes out, people knew how did it get away with We just witnessed a room of people with their own eyes saw it happen. This isn't this isn't speculation. This isn't like eye witness reports passed down. This is they all witnessed it. And then I no one in that room. I felt everyone just got on board and we're like it was crazy. It was the most in denial thing was. It just

shows you the power of celebrity. If it were switched, if Chris Rock had been the one to punch Will Smith, he would have been pulled out. It's about Will Smith was more famous, and it's and you know even Andrew this morning goes. Can you imagine if Bradley Cooper would have punched Chris Rock, if the response and I said it would have been the same, he would have gotten away with it. Yes, there would have been a more of an eras thing on the other side of it.

But in that moment in that room, which is what we which is what happens immediately following an assault, is what it's the legal thing like that. We just saw what happened. They let him get away with it. Producers didn't pull him off set. There wasn't like a Jerry Springer, you know that guy come up. Bradley Cooper would have been allowed to because Bradley Cooper is more famous than Chris Rockley. It becomes about fame and power and money,

and that was so disgusting. Rock now has to slap someone less famous than him, and about fifteen people I'm going to be getting punched in the fame I know, coming up in the ranks. I like that about you put yourself. Hey, that was early in the morning, you know me my last I just want to take a couple more that I just want to say, is that

also Will Smith is going through a Kanye thing. We have a lot of empathy for Kanye, and I want to have empathy for Will Smith too, because he is not in the right state of mind to go so quickly from having so much fun and laughing at the very joke that you then punched someone over and everyone's going, why is that an excuse that that he was laughing at first? You can take a while to get get hurt by something. Just because you are laughing at a joke doesn't mean that it can't hurt you later on.

And I get that I've laughed at things at first that, I'm like, oh wait, I didn't want to laugh at that. It was just it was a knee jerk response. You know when you trip on something and you get embarrassed and you like start yelling, you get really angry. That was what Will did. He got a look from his wife and he just it was all he I have empathy for Will Smith in that moment. He had anger issues.

He is seriously struggling. And then when you watched him get up and give that speech when he won for Best Actor, if you look at it just a still image from that and you saw that outside of this context of him winning, you would say that man is very, very upset and sad right now. That that was not a joyous moment for him at all. He ruined his own moment. I really feel sad for him because that was not the reaction of someone that is healthy in

the mind. And so I don't like how Hollywood handled it. But I do have empathy for Will Smith in that, in that circumstance, because anger got the best of him and he is not well. He's not and I wouldn't surprise me if he goes to therapy later or to

rehab either today or later this week. Um, sorry, I just wanted to get my kind I'm just like thinking, you know, obviously his relationship has been in the news a lot about her she you know, they're an open relationship, and that's what that was a lot of people's tweet they're like, oh, you're mad about a joke, but not her fucking other people, which I don't think those are connected,

but it's a good joke. I liked. Ian had a joke that was like he can he lets his wife take a dick, but he can't take a joke or something like. I thought it was a good take. My point clearly relationship open relationships are so healthy and I'm I'm an advocate for open relationships. Had relationship that's good. Um, what was your favorite take on Just your Own No Cigar? Just I just read one. I mean he went a little uh G love it. It just came up on my thing while I was for um, he said, fuck

Will Smiths. This is simpler to what your point was about empathizing with him. Funck Will Smith's candy ass smacking a dude four and his shorter and fifty pounds later, He's just in his feelings because his bald headed bitch been fucking around on him for years and he takes it. We all know who he wishes he could slap. Hashtag cock will Wow. I'm not saying wow in a real way,

but that is I'm impressed by that. Like I was on edge last night tweeting because I was so scared that I was gonna say anything wrong that was gonna get me canceled. I erased my I told Sturet I erased my wine Stein tweet because so many people were going like, we're and I go, how am I making this about myself? Why is why? That's not about I haven't been raped. I'm not, And I'm not saying that rape and slapping someone is the same thing. Who would

ever think that it's about ignoring bad behavior? And Howard I was really happy read my tweet today when I was on with him and he said, you know, I loved this one from Nikki and this was my take that um And I was like texting with Chris as this was happening. And Chris actually really helped me form a lot of these opinions and was the first to like kind of put them in my head. So I want to give him credit, but I said Tonight's Oscar has proved that Hollywood is alive and well, still doing

what it does best, protecting and celebrating disgusting behavior. And that really because there's this whole thing of like, is Hollywood over, movies over, and it's like now everything's fun. Like we saw it. We saw it in live time like lifetime, and it was just it. This is the guy Will Smith who you know, has a you know, celebrity. I got at one point where it's like he has a movie and they're bragging about the trailers they recommend, and he's like he would have an indoor basketball court

in his trailer. I used one of his trailers all time indoor basketball arter. No no, I. It was really nice and they were like Will Smith has used this, and it was like, oh, that's got the Will still Smith. Yeah. I'm just saying that there's a guy that hasn't been told no. Probably was so stupid too. I guess what he didn't know she had alopecia. Gave me a fucking break.

Chris Rock isn't gonna make a joke about someone. People are so stupid if they think comedians purposely take something that is like a really sensitive issue and make a joke of it. He he didn't know. He thought always had really short hair, and that's that's what he was making a joke about. And Will Smith could have handled this in any other way. Slapping someone that is not an appropriate response. You only resort to violence when you

are defending yourself from a violent attack. As well, there's the only time that it is, okay, And what about the hundred jokes before that? If we show Will Smith's face with him. I loved Amy's jokes about like all the couples there, Will Smith and and jadaa Barbamon alb Grows, Jake Jillan Hall and Maggie Jillan Hall. I thought that was amazing, and you could tell that Jake was a little bit like wanted to like someone said, like you know, Jake,

because but I don't. We're not getting to all the best. Okay, No, what was your best take? Okay, my best take, real quick is from someone from Richard Marks and he goes, hey, professional comedians, be on notice from now on, you need to make sure your jokes don't offend people, especially extremely attractive, famous, and exorbitantly wealthy people. I thought that was really funny. Yes, I um, I do think that comedians need to be

on alert. I have always been scared on stage. I was in Canada last year and a man came up to the stage to take pictures and he looked so scary as he was approaching that I started like running away because I thought he was going to shoot me. So I think that people don't take jokes well and end, especially if their wife is offended on their behalf. They know they're gonna have to hear about that on the car right at home for the rest of their fucking lives.

It's gonna turn this big thing. So they need to and they don't know how to mitigate, how to like they know they need to do something, and that's where it goes wrong. They have to do something because they're gonna hear about it otherwise and they're gonna suffer because of their wife or the person that they're with is offended. And that's where you need to have a plan when you go to a comedy show. If something happens that offends you or the person you're with, have a plan

that isn't violence. Just have one in the back of your head because you're gonna want to do something, and violence is sometimes the easiest thing for a person unless you think through already. UM. I have been offended at comedy shows and I UM, I leave. I leave surreptitiously so that it's not like I'm mad, but I just leave, and then I make fun of them behind their back, and I tweet about it later, you know, like that's what you do. Um has had a pretty funny tweet.

He goes, I think the most important, the most important takeaway a here is that comedians are in danger. If Will Smith can slap Chris Rock at the Oscars, what is stopping a beloved millionaire whose brain has been scrambled by getting very publicly cugged from hitting me at a comedy club in a strip club. Oh yeah, I mean I have had people gonna happen, and then some people are going, oh yeah, comedians are no scared, mark my words.

I said it today on Chris's radio show. I called into that when school shootings did not start happening until colum Mine. This is the Columne thing I've been waiting to tell you guys. It's not but like school shootings were not the way they are now. It got so much press that that became the thing that people do it. It showed kids there's a thing to do and copycatting. We all know this happens. This is about to start happening in clubs. Comedy clubs need to get more security.

I'm going to have more security at my own shows from now on, and I am going to pull back a little bit because I don't want to get punched. Well here, I'm scared of my face. If you, honestly, I saw still Chris Rock's face being stretched, it looked like he was If Nikki said something that offend you, you come backstage and you slap me. Yes, I have I'm gonna start bringing us a person to slap me

on the road so that they can just get hit. Um, instead of an interpreter for sign language, which is what I should have learned from last night, is that I should have that on the stage with me all the time. I'm gonna just have a guy that you come up and slap. We gotta get a final thought, Let's get into our worst takes, because I have one that I thought was so stupid. Um, there's a lot of worse

takes going around. I asked, actually, my my followers to send some but page six, you know, the Gossip magazine tweeted, uh, this morning, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith's secret to twenty plus years of marriage, and there's a cute picture of them snuggling. They're fucking trolling. They know what they're doing, it says Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith's secret to twenty plus years of Also his son's tweet of this is this is how we do it or something like that.

Jaden's tweet was also a stupid take, very ca um. Anyone else got a bad take, I'm gonna look at art. I have mine. Okay, yeah, no, what what doors? All? Right? So basically like any take like this. Andrew kind of already mentioned it. I'm not gonna read who this is because it's just someone who went viral. Chris Rock is lucky. All the other dudes, Bank and Jada didn't rush the stage. Oh my god, that was so funny. No, I think I don't know. I almost retweeted that one. I thought

it was. I mean, obviously that's not true, but like, can you it was just a fun take of having saying like, okay, they're in an open relationship. If everyone that is like, don't talk about my woman like that had that response, Yes, but I get um, why why to you? Was that a bad take? I just don't like that their relationship and their choices was brought into it when it's clear really an anger management issue right

right to you. As someone who has been to anger management, you see this as a clear anger management issue one. And then the whole crying and stuff. I mean, I think it's just like you know, all like hit him and stuff. But usually when when people get they get so angry and they get so out of control, and then I think crying is like a mechanism for them to get the person who they hurt back on their side.

So yeah, everyone was talking about how he was gaslighting us afterwards, saying like, you know, love made me do it. And then Denzel had told me don't let the devil get you or whatever, and it's like Chris Rock's the devil. Um. I just want to say, Also, there was some this is uh. Someone sent me a link to all the worst takes. Someone said, um uh, I'd say Will Smith hits like a girl, but I'm no biologist. That's from Tim Young. What an idiot. Um uh yeah. All the

bad takes are saying it's comparing it to Trump. It's comparing it too, But I think that there's something here to be gleaned of, like power makes us turn the other way. Yeah, I uh. I wrote a thing on Instagram just mostly about how Chris Rock is going to turn this into making thirty five million on Netflix. I wrote like, I just was thinking of a pun of like what his special would be named? And I didn't see this anywhere, and I wrote fresh Prince on my

face of bel air. Oh yes, fresh prince like prince like, but I swear, of course you didn't copy that. Someone can we this is just sent me a bad tweet And they said, what did the police find when they dusted Chris Rock's face fresh Prince? Oh my god? So I feel I feel bad that it's not the perfect pun, but I was just trying to think of a pun. Someone called me out for stealing right in my comments, and then when I go I explained how I wouldn't have stolen this right, and then they go, wow, how

can you come at me? We gotta stop this thing of like if you comment on someone else's page, and they respond to you. You can't then play the victim of being like but I was just you're a public figure, like you can't do that, ship, and I'm sure it's happened with you where like people think they could just comment into the ether that you're not reading this, and then if you right back you're then they go, oh, but you're so sensitive. I was just joking or like, yeah,

how can you come at me like that? Like it's like, motherfucker, you started it. Who It's just it just blows my mind before it was come after someone and then when they right back and like, oh, ship, they saw it. So I get that mentality. But we see we don't have have many followers. Someone this was a kill on sent and from Facebook by one of um my followers. Someone said, who do you think woke up this woke up with the worst headache this morning? Chris Rock or

me after seventeen glasses of air wine? Oh Jesus Christ did say that Baker that we're all being dramatic thinking will now be hit on stage. That is great, but I will say that I still think I get what she's saying. Yes, comics can definitely be dramatic and these things and put it up pointed at ourselves. But people are dumb. People are fucking dumb, and they see that and they'll fucking copycat that ship. I've had people very angry at my shows, heckling me and what to my show?

Oh yeah, I mean yeah, well we don't really talk about that, but I'm glad Andrew. Yes, we'll talk about that later on the next show. Stay with us this week. We have shows all week. I'll be in New York for some of them, but tomorrow we'll be back here in St. Louis. And you're on and what and you're on tour and I'm on tour. Oh my gosh, don't forget.

I'm into very soon. Winnipeg, The Murder Couple of Canada, Vancouver, Austin, Irving, Texas, Um, Houston, Philadelphia or not Philadelphia, I'm sorry, Um all where else of New Orleans, New Orleans for Lauderdale, Jacksonstonville and Nashville. Um, can you do that though? With Howard Dean's voice, Yeah, we're going. We're going to Iran, We're going to Houston, We're going to Minneapolis. We're going to win a big We're going Yeah, alright, yes, if you don't know that

that reference. Um, you are in your twenties. Uh and go google Howard Dean and why he lost election. All right, guys, thank you for listening. Uh, we'll see you later, don't Pika and gee Jack Chris said, okay, thank god. Good