#192 A Squishy Marshmallow

you didn't know that, did you see it? Now? I'm like, very serious, realize you are so similar. You guys are born with like you what I would do for y'all's teeth and mouth this is from braces. Hers are naturally that straight. They just came in that way. But it's like bottoms. Wait let me, Oh, yeah, you got dad's but I got dad bottoms. Yeah, I got Dad's bottom.

Body got a dad bob. Everyone knows. Yeah. Um, Lauren, I have to say, right before the podcast started, Lauren just got a little cozy in the chair and like put her arm like on my leg kind of like you just said it there and it was touching my leg and it was so soothing, Like I feel like we just didn't touch a lot in our like we didn't get that. I mean I used to make you like sit on me and things like that. Do you remember I used to do that? Yeah, this casting couch?

What is going on? What's about? You just lay on the floor and I was just like, oh what, yeah, put pressure on you. I'm so artistic talking about you were put pressure just like, well, you just lay on me. I always wanted my mom and my sister to lay on me like bank, just like lay on top of me. It feels so now. I mean we're basically on each other because we can't sit on this chair. Yeah, this chair is Honestly, I fucking love this. Can I get a lot of weights so much? No, no, no, it

would be too much. This is perfect. Oh yeah, baby, that's good. Baby tired. Yeah, Lauren and I are sitting in this chair and usually, like all our guests sit here. Carlisle and Anya have said. Here was so probably and this chair cannot contain two Blazer hips. Yeah, girls, picking back to the store the chairs hurting Andrew said, to be fair, one of you with three kids, no nine kids, you said, doesn't do you believe you three kids? No,

isn't that so crazy? Yeah, you've been bringing is your stomach? Like, has it come back to normal? He has it back? I was gonna ask. I mean, I'm not even four months postpartum, so I know you gotta give it like a good year back, Like it shrinks up in a year, it will come back to I don't have any stretch marks, actually what I just kind of have like a little bit of loose skin. That's but it does tighten up. It's amazing how it does. Like if you win skydiving

in your face would rebound. I know I won't go skyd but if you go skydiving too much, then it won't come back. Like your face is just gonna be if you have a kid skydiving, So you have a little bit of extra skin like you were like, I still have like a weight to lose. I know. But like let's say down the road, like because you've been nine months or a year out of pregnancy without the right as you waited that long yet, Yes, my kids have at least two years between them because girls turned

into a dugger. Um okay, so you've waited and it does snap back. Yeah, it actually does so when you see people like remember before you got pregnant and you would see like baby bodies bouncing back, j Lo did you go? I used to go, that's definitely surgery, which I think it is because a lot of times moms I think it has to do a C section and then do a tummy tuck with it that they're just like, oh,

you know what. Or if you go down there and you're getting stitched up because you had a pcotomy or whatever it is, Um, they'll just do like a badge tightening while they're down there. Wow, you passed the girl that cares so much even makes a surrogate get tell me, no one's going to be fat with my baby. And then they're like, you could have a natural person. She's like, I just really, um, I'd like to get a C section? Why don't you at it? Can you give me a

nose job? And it was a good joke. Let's talk about your face. You've had some face work done. Yeah, I had two babies out of my cheeks and back. I want to know what what what made you go completely clean shaven, tight man down to the bone. The first time I've gone this tight since I did one video for like Vimeo for a friend where I was like, Okay, I'll never do again. Uh no. Brenda was like I was like I had a beard and I was like, oh,

try Truman. She's like, you know what I want. I was like, oh, all the way and I think she meant the clippers and I was like, I'll show you and the boy did I show her, like all the face hair off, and I was worried my whatever between shaving and all, Okay, so clippers, if you go bear or bald, they'll get there. But it's not like smooth smooth,

you know what I mean. Like and when you don't shave your face for it's been almost ten years, his face reminds you of a fresh baby's bottom that you pass through to make you want to mama a little bit. But there, I mean, you can see like the dark, yes that you can see the hair, you can see it coming through. Well it's been two days now because you're and you're just trying to get it out down and I just keep shipping my pants ship coming out

of your face, I know. So I'm just worried that I just I think it's in my mind, but it's like it's like anything like if you didn't shave your legs, or maybe not your legs, but wherever, I'm always worried they have too much skin, too much face, skin on my legs. Came up last night to grab a cord or something, and you're always grabbing cords. Did you come up to grab cord? I'm like, Nikki, your door open, I gotta grab a chord in a tire arm come up to grab like a noose, and I'm like, that's

right there. You came up yesterday, and whenever you have freshly shaved your face, you kind of creep in like a girl with a new haircut, like like bangs. Look at what I vous And um, yeah, you looked like a fresh face. Did you do it yesterday or two days? Two days ago? And I like with a razor and I put shaving cream. That whole process is fun for a man. I get it, like, oh, I'm going to my job, I'm gonna put my shaven cream. Yeah, oh

my wear my parents. Didn't you think that after shaved was maybe the most painful thing that could ever be inflicted on someone, based on home alone, worse than even like a fucking iron hitting you in the head, like why didn't he just like with those bandits, just put after shave jumped. I thought it was literally like acid attacks. Just oh again. And for some reason that was like so relatable to adults. It's like, oh they after shave maybe back in the day when razors were more goal

and shittier. Dude, you want to know a really funny story. My friend got married and they hired like this old man to shave the faces, like old school, like you know, sharp with their shoes, and and I was like last or like I got no, I wasn't in the wedding party. I was like extended wedding party with wait, that's not that's a funeral. Yeah you were. The ring was the

flower man with a fresh, fat face. So I I um I. So they go and one guy he starts cutting the face and he uses the same blade, doesn't clean it, and for like six guys he shaves their face and they come out and they all have like forty five tissues. They're like, yeah, we gotta got a real shave. Were like, dude, he fucking You're like this is like the watching The Nick Remember that Showan Knicks a lot of nicks. It was just so it's such a big moment. That's another thing adults always do. It's

like so much like that. You always thought what you would see more of, you know, John Lanney is a joke of like as a kid, you thought there would be a lot more like sand traps or quicksand you know, like it's just the thing you see as a kid in cartoons and you grow up and you're like, what's the Quicksand my grandpould always have toilet paper on it. I never do. I mean, I guess I've done that on my leg before a little bit and reasons were really and now were taking breaks. Have you tried to

take it off? Like, yeah, dude, it's an ongoing you need to just use some fliers and just like no, because it's probably like a thousand dollar ring. Oh I know it doesn't want but if you can never take it off, you can't give it back to them anyways. They haven't asked for it back yet, thank god. But I'm not going to damage it. It just I haven't tried to get it off, you know. I mean I've done that before, but ever since I tried one night and it was very traumatic, I haven't tried since you're

supposed to use windex. I tried lube. I'm not even kidding.

I have tried Loube because the other night I was using lube in my daily practice, and um, you're like, oh, and it was injuring myself myself and and and there was already lube involved, and so I was like, oh, and now in it it gets stuck in my hair too, Like whenever you like this, it'll get like because it's just a dumb kind of ring that has a bunch of little crevices in it, and it will it'll get caught to my hair and I go when I'm like shampooing.

So now I've just gotten used to like doing my hair like this, Like it's just a part of me that I have to deal with where I don't use this finger, I'll give you hand jobs like that. Like have you ever done anything this dumb? Being the same blood and genetics? Have you? What have you done that? Like? Mentally was because you seem pretty like her son the other day that his mom put a peanut eminem up or nose one time. Oh it was a peanut butter eminem.

Because it's like the same, you know what peanut butter eminems are smaller than peanut eminem's. But then that would like melt and it would have been better. It could have gotten out. Yeah, it did get out. Oh yeah, skittle upper nose. But that was you know, it was on a road trip. I was probably a year ago. Yeah, rather put a bird seat up his nose this and he's more well adjusted to me, so like a bird's

was the almost sunflower seed. Yeah, he was like we were at a bird like a zoo kind of thing, and so we were feeding the birds and he fed his own nose, I guess, and put it up his nose and had to go to the emergency room and take it out. It's hard. Did you have to go

to emergency room? No, it came out. Started freaking out in the back seat, and I remember laughing at her, and it just push it down things though, because you're a mom now of three or nine, and do you ever do things that you're just like that was so stupid, Like mom, brain of like if I just did that? Yeah, I like left the water on yesterday and the faucet when I was taking a bath, and I was like, where is this water sound coming from? And then I look up and the faucets and I was like, oh,

I love okay, yesterday. No, that was during the bath that I was like, the toilet running, yeah, and then I just looked and I didn't even remember turning the water on. So it was a ghost. So it wasn't my fault. Have you ever driven to the e R thinking you're dying or anything like? Uh? No, I had to. I had to drive my husband to the emergency room. In college, someone sliced his hand with a knife getting

a shave before your wedding. This good guy, this guy like pulled out a knife and threatened Matt and then he slashed his hand and he's like, oh my god. And I mean this was before we were just friends at this point. But he was like, I need someone to drive me to the emergency room. So he got in the backseat and then we drove him and we were following directions because we've never been to the emergency room in Lawrence, Kansas, and um, someone was like following

the front. They're like, okay, turn right, and I was like, all right, He's like turn right, turn right, turn right to right, like he kept repeating the restaurants in the backseat, like he was the backseat driver on the right, the hospital hospital NiFe fight, like like I don't know yet. Someone slash. Was it a homeless man or something? No, it was a guy at the party. And then the cops came and Matt was like, I just got sliced

with a knife. And the cop did not care at all, and he's like, I need to go to the emergency room. And he's like, well, you better find a friend to drive you. And he found his future wife. That's a great story. That's like out of like Superman didn't even know. I knew. I knew that. Lord. When I met Matt, they were just friends and I said, Lauren, that guy, that guy something, he's gonna be something. You guys like each other. And Laurence said, no, we're just friends. And

then I was right. I knew it. I set him up. It's just like when someone takes it was me. It was my little speech there, Well, what was the moment you knew Matt was the one? Was there a moment or is there a moment when he's bleeding on your freaking selica? We got drunk. I got drunk for five years and it's like damn we got a kid. No, no, no,

I don't know. We were friend like I first met him freshman year of college, and then we started dating junior year and we had a class together junior ys and I think it was when I don't know, I just like saw him a different light and I know, but what was the light? Um? It was a really dark joke of like, O, there's this guy that I'm not tracked to do and he likes me and he's a nice guy, but I just I'm just not attracted

to him. And my friends like maybe you just need to see him in a different like and I go, you leave me in the dark. But seriously, like, what did he do? Did roll up his sleeve to like I think it was just his palm scar probably No, he was just I don't know. We just talked a lot another guy break your heart to go, oh wait, this guy's always been there kind of thing, you know.

It was actually I was kind of dating someone else and but then Matt and I were having this secret relationship where we were kind of like hooking up on the side but not really telling anyone, keeping it a sea. But we weren't exclusive like this, no, And so it was.

It was like Valentine's Day, and the guy that I guess was I was kind of dating, put like a rose on my car, like on my windshield, and and then and he had told Matt that he was going to do this, but he didn't know that Matt and I were seeing each other on the side, and so when he saw that, he was just like, he was like, so piste off when he found out. But I was like,

we weren't I mean, we weren't really dating. We were like talking and you and Matt were no, no, no, this guy, and so Matt was piste and that was like the final straw to be like I wanna The other guy was pissed. But then we were just like we should just make this. No this guy did, but he was pissed about what. No, the guy was pissed once he found out that Matt and I were like, but it wasn't like official with this other guy. So right, I'm not going to feel bad about Yeah, I did it.

I think you're being serious. Think really, I will say that when I was watching Arlow the other day, I had no things to offer him, as like someone that has no toys. So I found this and I was like, guess who's inside this button was? And I was like he was just like so confused by he's that best bomb? And I was like, yeah, Bomb's in here. We don't know why, but Arlow has called my parents, my my parents, his grandparents bombaki, So my mom, my grandmother, my mom

is bomb and my dad is backy. And also his other grandparents are bombaki? Are they? But they Nora his friend's grandparents will say Nora's grandpa, so he knows how to say grandma and grandma. But I think when he first used that term didn't really know how it was a suicide bomber in a prior life, like it's never like something like in my prior life. Everyone never td what does baki mean? How did he even know that word? We don't know, we don't know, we don't know what

it was. I mean, bomb kind of sounds like the ending of grandma. Yeah, well, who knows. Let's take a quick break and come back with alright, we're back, Yes, No, we really are. I know. Um, I just wanna quickly tell you about some tour dates I have coming up. Noah, will you tell people where I'm going to be? And uh, Andrew will be as well with me on the road coming up. Sure. April eight, you're going to be in Winnipeg, Canada, which we learned has a very uh or maybe not

so interesting stuff to do. April ninth, April ninth, Vancouver, Yeah. April fourteen, you're at the Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas. Yes, two shows that night, so we got a second show added. That is part of the Moontower Comedy Festival. We're gonna be fun, so fun. And then April fifteen, you'll be in Irving, Texas, which is Dallas. Yes, yeah, interesting. Then Houston the following night, right right, which is not Dallas. Yeah, Houston is not Dallas. And we have not been to

Houston or Dallas since right before the pandemic. That was like the first kind of theater tour towards shows we did. It was right when like things were getting squirrely, you know, and uh, and we did meet and greets, but we were like should we? So I'm really excited to go back to those places. And I remember that like distinctly, like being on stage and like are we still what are we afraid of getting a colt like cod and when Matt were wearing masks and we were just like,

we're not doing it. They were a head of game. They were doing a mask before. I mean they were doing it back in two thousand. Yeah it was cool man. Yeah, Um, I have not worn a mask in so long, Aaron St. Louis feels so good. It feels so good. Are you wearing masks anywhere? Have you put one on? Um? I was wearing them, but it was kind of like looking at my classes and seeing if the majority of students were wearing a mask, and I put one one to

make them feel safe. Yeah, but if, um, a lot of them weren't, I was just do they get bully each other for wearing masks? Are kids like? They're very sister in kids? You don't know my sister is eighteen months younger than me. Um, you can spare all the comments of they look so much alike, they don't look alike. Like. The only type thing I want to hear is, yeah, you don't have to rate us and be like you're

more prettier than your sister. Because I talked a lot about how my sister is pretty, so people always go like, I think you're Like, it's like we don't need any of it, even though those comments mean a lot to me, and you can send them directly to me at my email address. UM, no, you, we don't need any of that. But you know what I do like is when people say we look like I do, like, yeah, that makes you. But when they say you don't look anything like I

take umbradge with that. It makes me feel sad because I want to look like her. Um. But also thanks girl. My sister is a Spanish teacher. He's kind of good at Spanish in Mexico. Noiendo requero musculs and kwando hoven uh, i'll you talk better than most of my students when they're like five fired. I love all my students, we know you do, and we're going to take it very easy on this podcast. I'm very aware that my sister is a teacher. She would like to keep her job.

I'm not going to be associated with any kind of lu talk. I want your kids to be able to your students if they find this episode, I want them to be able to listen to it and not hear anything bad. Already incriminate myself. No, you haven't said anything. You're very good if do you want to know. I want to take a little bit more of a spring break here. He moved to day I was there. I made a joke last week, but I kind of liked

that I might as well share that. Um My dad was saying that, you know, um he was describing how they Oh my god, let me just tell the story real quick. So mom and dad have Maryann right, and they had Arlow their baby seeing Arlow the other day because he was on spring break. And I made the joke that, um they were they were telling someone the story, and I was like, oh he uh he instead of going to senior frogs, seeing hung out with two seniors that looked like frogs. Did you say that really? But

that would have been good. I didn't want to be mean because they were right there. I was thinking it, but your dad and yeah, no, my dad looks like a turtle anything in the reptile world. Okay, um no, death looks great. Yeah he's handsome for man that's falling apart, but he doesn't have a lot of skin down here. Dad has a tight tight he's never had a baby out of his mouth. It wasn't talking about your dad

got a loose back. They forgot Marian at the river because they were like they were like, you know, they were so trying to get Carlow and his car seat and making sure that's okay. They pulled off and they're on Highway forty four, which is like fifteen minutes twenty minutes away from their cabin, and they're like, where's Marian And they're like, oh my god, we forgot her until

they oh god, yeah, yeah. Marian was putting it on the after saying back at home, and but I was asking what Harlow was saying, and my my mom said that he was like, it's okay, Grandma, or he said it's okay, Mom, it's okay. Everything's gonna be okay, everything's gonna be okay. So sweet and so sweet. And so they got back and Marian was just sitting in the middle of the country road right in front of their cabin,

just like they left him outside, just like waiting. And and I said, did she start running when she saw your car, because she knows what they said, No, she waited until they came all the way back, like pulled up and was just like and just got in the car.

It's like that's the kind of stuff. It's like, yeah, you forget it, you forget Like they were telling the story to the woman who gave me the rescue dogs, who you know there and rescue people are very meticulous about who they placed their dogs when she took them back, and she was making jokes about it. But I was like, it's okay, Like mistakes happen. Not everyone's perfect. You can you know, but um, they don't like beat her. They didn't do it on purpose. Speaking up, so I wanted

to talk about a couple of things. My sister is a Spanish teacher. She loves her students. You're on spring break, Um, you were so good at Spanish, and we're gonna see how good you are a little bit later. I'm gonna give you a little tests. And I wanted to ask Andrew got a cat before we get some news, tell us about your cat and how this came about? Um where did it start? I don't know. We when we were going to look for either dog or a cat we went Initially we were just thinking, Oh, we're gonna

get a breeder. We're gonna get like a mini docks in or something like that. You were going to go to a breeder something like that, like some Honestly, we're really going to go to a breeder. I'm not against breeding. Why because I think these dogs need a home to to find love. No, they need to. Breeders need to stop making those dogs, and you need to put You need to you need to stop buying them, and those dogs will be placed. You helping breeding isn't gonna put.

They're not gonna leave that poor docs in on the street. Breeders need to lose again. We will be made because they will end up in rescues. But you should not be to be breeding dogs and buying You should not support breeders. You shouldn't. It's wrong. I don't think all breeders are bad. They aren't all bad. They're not like abusing, but they're contributing. When you buy a dog that's pure bread, you're letting a dog in a shelter die. You are

pretty much doing just that. But if you're not buying it, you think that dog, that dog will get placed by by someone else who's not listening to my podcast right now and hearing this message anyway. So that was in the back of my mind, I guess because they didn't do that, and I'm sorry. I just met with my rescue, this rescue lady this week, and I was like, how do we do? What do I do when my friend get pure bred dogs? And like, the dog is cute, I don't want that dog to die or not like.

But she's like, no, you need to shame them, you need to like I don't know. I don't feel that way because we've had I've had rescue dogs, we've had pure bred dogs. I think if a dog's getting love and giving love to their family, that's a beautiful the dog. It's about the practice. It's about overbreeding people. All the pigs, just what are what all the pigs that are just right now? So everyone goes vegan? What are those? What happens with those pigs? It's like, that's not gonna happen.

What we need to do is send a message that this isn't working anymore and those people need to do other things than create. I get that, but I get puppy meals. I get all that ship like horrible conditions. But if these dogs that are being breeded are very loved, and of course it's not about it's not about it is about animal welfare. It's not about those dogs are being mistreat of course the breeders love dogs. But also, and this is gonna sound really sucked up, but then

go all right, let's just not adopt dogs anymore. Let all those dogs stop. Sort adoption stops, and then we just only buy breed of dogs. Whatever happen, because there's stray dogs and people, it's never gonna happen that way. You just educate yourself. You know you're not making sense and you're you're on the wrong side of things. You really are. I'm just saying I'm I'm for it all. I'm saying that you're gonna get a tough messages from people if you have a pure dog. I don't judge.

I really know, I'm going to get more ship than you would know. People get nuts if you say shopped on. I think, do whatever the funk you want, just be happy with it that I don't think. That's that's well, that's okay, then murder people because that's what you want to do. I'll start here, okay. Anyway, So I'm looking for a cat and dog. We go to Maine Society. We can't. We don't find anything that really like sticks

out to us. Um. We then go to stray Dogs, which God bless these people because these dogs are like, like it feels like I got really sad leaving there, Like it's fucking that. It's that's what happens when people

buy pure bad dogs. Well, I'm telling you these dogs were very mistreated and like I can't and it sounds sucked up, but like whoever would take them in would have to have the most insane patients and like literally like you couldn't have a family around these dogs, like you absolutely well that's not you know, Luigi and Mary and or rescues. I'm not talking about everyone has to go get a pit bull in lieu of a golden Google. I'm not saying that either. I'm just saying what we saw.

So then we saw that, and we didn't obviously there was nothing there that really fit our needs. Way, can I ask you a question, So when you were going in this, you were first looking at dogs or were you both looking at dogs and cats both? Um? And then we went was it raining cats and dogs? A A A s p C A spscs. So because we're like a A whatever I got an I P A I had to get to make these dogs look attractive. So I'm blowing this dog. Sorry, Lauren and your and

your teenagers. Uh, okay, no, but I didn't blow it up. Um no. And then we looked and there was actually a puppy there that we almost got. His puppy name Toad. That's a cute name. It was like a mix, like like like I don't know what he was. They were the cutest puppy. But it was eleven pounds already at like eight weeks. So that's gonna be a six pound dog. So that these things are tough, like when you're trying to adopt, you can't find. It's hard to find a

dog that you should get a cat. I cauldn't believe that you found how small your dogs are and like how I don't know, Like so anyways, so finder, it's like Tinder for dogs. Oh that's a good one. No, but yeah, all right. Point So anyway, so then we're like, you know what, I don't know if a dog is the right thing to more. I think a cat would maybe be more the play. And then we were like,

you know what, let's not get any animal. Then I get a text from Brennan and there's an orange male cat, which very rarely is like an orange cat available, especially for adoption, and I was like, do whatever, Like why do people only like certain color cats? I don't know. Black cats are so beautiful? Oh nothing gets again, you didn't have bad luck? Yeah that was an orange cat. I got a black cat I painted orange. Oh great, Yeah, mango named Mango plays fetch. Dude, this cat we've got

a couple got one minute. It's like a dog that plays fetch, but on fast forward. Like so you throw the thing and it's already there back and it's like for my a d d It's like like it's just like it's dude. This thing was sleeping on so when it first got there, it got ran behind the fridge. And then one was because the last home. You know, they tell you these stories. But dog, so I had my beard. Then I look like a dog shaped it. Now the cats relaxed. You look like your face was

like like a dog that got shaved. It feels comfortable around you. So anyway, so now this fucking cat is like sleeping on my neck and like playing fetch. And I fucking loved this thing so much. It's wild, Like I did not think I connect to a cat. I know that, and it's like I feel like Luigi would get along with a cat. Yeah, he's kind of like a cat. You seed it one today, it's already a smell. I'm okay, oh the cat. Yeah, I'm more a little worried about the smell. But I'm so glad you got

a cat. You named it Mango because and I asked you what the name was from and you said, it's just the hundred top names for cats. Yeah, like a not popular name. It was like, yeah, it gets the wheels turning, you know. And I don't know. I just like we almost named it Avid after the David brothers. Yeah, that's how people get reacting, and I never know if it's Avid or even like that's terribly bad, bad bad. Okay,

we gotta get to the news. Let's get to the news. Yes, So anyways, man goes shout out, baby, I want, I can't want to me. Oh, it's Tuesday, folks, you know what that means. It is Tuesday. I hope you're having all the swells. Sorry about that argument about Chop for its adopt adopt, don't chop. I hope you're having a good time. Even though after that, I'm sorry. I just gotta sometimes I get on my little toadstool. Get up there.

I gotta get up there. I don't, I don't. I don't know much, but I just know that it's a good thing to not do. But if you do, But if you do have a pure bred dog and you're listening to the show and you're mad at me, don't be mad at me. I still love you. You only wanted a good dog, like, don't judge, I don't care an ugly ass dog that smells like, don't be mad at me. I love that dog too. Yeah, we love

that dog too. Sides. And you're a hero if you rescued, and you're not if you did it, but you but still your dog is cool and I love you, which I don't know how that's but whatever, it goes back to the animals in the end. All right, So you did actually adopt it was a pure bread No, what's the news today? Someone wrote that? Actually someone did write that. That looks like a pure breed to me, Like they're even mad when you do the right thing, I can't win,

all right. A woman who had brain surgery says she kept taking nudes in her hospital bed for her only fans. She said, I connect because of her, She said, I caused her to do it. No, I can never bring myself to stop working, And I took nudes in the bed in my hospital gown the day after surgery. Get it, girl,

I'm a little worried about only fans. And I want to just say to any of my sister's students listening who found Senora Green on this, if you're thinking about when you turn eighteen of doing it only fans, like, oh, suddenly there's this thing where I can go have income, Please do not do that. Please wait fivesually after watching I feel like high schoolers watch you for you and they're like, I can make that much money. Oh my god. I'm telling you girls, please don't respect for yourself. No,

it's it's it's not even about respect. Please just wait for like five years until you know yourself a little bit more, because you're going to make decisions at eighteen that are going to especially only fans, will haunt you the rest of your life when you have kids down the road, there are moms who like find your pictures and then what your kids kicked out of school, like the ramifications of you making this choice about your body and all this stuff you don't know who you're going

to be down the road. Just just wait a little bit. And your frontal lobes not fully developed, so until you're like twenty eight, people pay for that. Yeah, oh my god, barely barely developed frontal frontal lobe. Yeah, that's barely barely developed, dude.

So wait, so only is did not Like a lot of people do make money, But then it's like probably and people make like, I don't know, maybe a thousand bucks a month, you know what I mean, Like everyone thinks it would be hard not to do if you were someone who didn't have a problem expressing yourself sexually and with your body and being naked like some girls just like that's not it's like the way that I talk about sex openly, Like I just don't have a

problem with it, and I don't see how other people would. Whereas I look at a stripper and I'm like, how could you ever do that? Like I could never do that, and I kind of admire them, So it would be hard to not do this thing that you're like, I don't really care, you know, but it's not about whether you care, it's about other people care. And unfortunately, people can be really cruel about that and so you just

don't don't read. Craig adds about, you know, being moved down to watch Hot Girls Wanted on Netflix, and it will really educate you about the sex business and selfie's in general. Though at the hospital, like when you're when you're like dying or whatever. I think that is very sexy too, just like own own wherever you are and like make whatever you are sexy. And if this girl

I do, I do believe, you know. Kim Kardashian got a lot of ship talked about her about be like like you need to work, get off your fucking ass toxic workplaces. That was I hated more than anything in that little branch she did. No one talked about the fact that she was like I do not stand for like, do not have toxic work environments. Surround yourself with people who want to work. It's like, who get to choose their work environment? Bitch? That to me was the most

out of touch thing of the whole thing. Like I believe people should work, and like you know, whether it's working, um, something creative while you're unemployed, like always be like hustling. So I didn't hate that, but being like acting like people can choose whether or not to be in a toxic work environment. Any time about got so defensive from her saying they're like, I fucking work. Like their first reaction is I'm poor, I work. You don't work. And

it's like she could also work hard. It does work hard, but and I want to video and people. She always gets said that, like she doesn't work hard. And these influencers, you know, they look people just scoff at them, and they don't work hard. You know, only fans we know, just as comedians trying to promote ourselves put up fucking infographics about tour dates, and it is so fucking hard to like put out content and not so hard. It's

not backbreaking work. But I'm telling you, like putting out content is there, even if it's just pictures of you in the new Skims collection, it's it's it's a lot of work. Editing the photos like a lot of work. She's not doing that editing. I will say that she's doing the photo shoots. As someone who does them, they are exhausting, they are uncomfortable. They they really drain you. And this is not me being like I poor me. I'm just saying they I have to remember sometimes that

my life can be described as exhausting. When I used to always think all I do is get on stage and talk into a microphone. How could that be exhausting. I'm not doing like dancing, I'm not singing um meet and greeds like that's fun for me. But all of it is exhausting. All of it is work, it's being on I don't know how you do being a mom. I described watching Arlow as being three hours on stage because I could not go to the bathroom. I could

not take a bite of food to go to the bathroom. Well, well, he paused the TV and was like, well you can watch it. Come back and watch this tonight. To watch an artistic man drawing. You know, it's just so excited. But that was different like being a mom, you can kind of let them do their own thing when they're And we talked about this, but like I did, compare being a babysitter for Arlow wanting to do a good job and be as present as possible. It was exactly

like being on stage. You are like perky, your response, you're constantly talking or listening. You on stage, you're constantly talking, but even active listening is exhausting, and um, but you're doing it. Shout out to all the moms out UNDERDS. I think people are I think, well, I just think like people get angry because they they equate work with being successful and rich, Like, if you just work hard,

you'll be rich. And like a lot of times people that have two or three jobs are even poor, you know, get even poured somehow working harder. So I think that's when people people take a lot of Yeah, they get very angry because they go, oh, I don't work hard. That's why I'm poor because I don't work hard. And then that's like that hard is not equal money. So much of the time, it's unfortunate. It's the class that

you'll probably stay in. What'd you say? I said, the class that you're born into is the class that you'll stay in. Yeah, that's unfortunate. Um, and people being like I pulled myself up. There are a few exceptions, but but you also had a lot of luck on your side. Okay, no, um, what's the next story. Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna need you to complete the sentence. Beauty experts worn. Never let your manicurists do this cut your cuticles on your thumb.

It's cut your cuticles and uh, the cuticle is a natural feature of the nail and serves a critical function. It connects the skin to the nail to protect the nail and skin from different kinds of infection. If the cuticle is cut excessively and there's a separation between the nail and skin, a fungal infection can get in under the nail or into the skin. Yeah, a lot of um warts happen from you know, like that's that's where your skin. It's yeah, stuff can get underneath, and that's

where infections you can start. Yeah, there's something about if you're a man listening and you don't know what like manicures are, like what they entail. They put this kind of like liquid on your um on your cuticles, and then they use this little pusher thing after they soften and they push them down and then they hut them with this cuticle cutter and they just cut them off. You know, clean lane. Your nails aren't bleeding if they're

doing it right. And and they actually aren't allowed to do that, I think in New York City because it's they can cut your skin and like cause infection and you know the classified. What do you do? Just keep pushing it back. Your cutical will not take over your nail. It will stay where it is. It's just it doesn't look as pretty. You know, grow up a little bit if you tell a manicure to this though, like, don't cut my well, look at you weird. I'm just saying, like,

so go, you know what. Sorry, it's usually any Asian person that, yeah, it usually is where I'm just usually Asian people to say, why you old lady hands to me? Why you really? I've had that a lot, Why you old lady hands? Because my hands would be shredded in blood because I would pick up my skin and cuticles back when I had more anxiety, and um, yeah, I would get why you old lady hands a lot and it would be and I would just go, I don't know,

I don't know why you blood. Lauren going to have old lady hands too, Yeah, we have like the same kind of hands. Oh my god, lady hand. I love this. People push up farther. I'm not trying to know, I know, but it's just like, did you know that a lesbian if you're most lesbians have a longer if you put up your palm a longer ring finger than your pointer finger, and most men have Most men have that because they're men. Oh my gosh, look at mine. I know mine's the

same way. Look at mine. How Yeah, I saw another thing that means you have a big penis. And I'm like, um, we'll take a break and then we'll come back with why do I care? Why do I care? No? Why do I care? Actually I care. I want to know if Lauren cares about this? Okay, okay, Lee Jenner and Travis Scott change baby Wolf's name. We didn't feel like it was him, That's what they said. And the baby

was born in February of this year. That baby needs to get to work and get up it's fatass and do some fucking work and stop being in a toxic womb environment and get out. And um, I think changed the name. I think that's fairly. They didn't say they so basically, Kylie on her Instagram, she like posted an f y I for everyone because she keeps seeing the name Wolf and she's like, by the way we were,

we changed the name. But she didn't say what they changed, and she didn't and she didn't say whether or not. They're getting rid of his middle name, which is Jacques. I like Jacques Cousto. Um Wolf though, I want to say, is Sabrina Jelize's baby's name? Um, what do you do you think? I think that's I think that's fair because

he just didn't look at it. Yeah, I think that's better than just keeping that name for the rest of their life and always having you just had a baby November twenty No, no, no, really, I did my special and it was on it was a day for Thanksgiving. You had you had your baby, and I stopped my special the day before Thanksgiving novembery No, I did it on the Saturday. Never mind. Okay, you checked out about the date of your baby. That makes more sense. I

was just like, okay, so November you had Forest. What's his middle name? Lawrence? I did Forest, Lawrence screen Um and Forest. I mean, is uh is a name that people have reactions to. They either think Forrest Gump or a forest. His name is Forrest Green. That is that's you guys being cheeky and funny. I am obsessed with it now. I really weren't. At first. I was just like, it's Forrest Gump and Forcecump. Is slow. He's a slow

like you're just going to associated Forrest Gump. I mean everyone probably initially does if they know the movie, but I think if you're younger than a millennial, they don't. They don't know even a meal Joachim, who is twenty four. Now, it's like, I don't think a Forrest Gump when I first hear Forest, and so he will not. He'll just get that from people my age the rest of his life. His teachers will be like always like have you seen Forrest Gump? And he'll be like, yes, how did you

pick it? But I don't think I don't think it's I don't think it's top either, But no, we I thought I was having a girl for sure. I was like, there's no way, does it. Well, they had a better name for for a girl than it was gonna be olive. It was if it was a girl, a better name for a girl. Forest for a girl is not as good as olive would be for a girl. So it's gonna be olive green. But I love that you stuck with the color thing because I always knew that you

were gonna do olive green. It was my favorite little secret I had. And then when he was born. I was just like, oh no, And then I was thinking, oh, maybe they can come up with something else, and then they came up with fourth Screen. I love four screens so much now because first of all, I like that you guys took a risk and being like kind of

funny and like having a little fun with it. And I also love I was filming Perfect Strangers to which is what we call the other thing okay, and there was a part of it where we were asking the people, like what their favorite color. It wasn't even we were just asking the questions. One of the questions was what your what's your favorite color? We were asking to this UM cast member because he like didn't share a lot about himself. He's a very simple person, and so I

was like, here's a hard hitting question. Are you ready this might like really like are you ready to be really be emotional now and like really reveal yourself? And he was like I'm running And I was like, what's your favorite color? And he was just like he didn't get the joke, you know, and he kind of just

like thought and he was like four screen. And I was like, Oh, that's my nephew's name, and everyone was just like okay, and I was like, I go no. Like my nephew, my sister's last name is green and she just named her baby Forest. His name is four screen. I've never even heard anyone say four at screen and color. And everyone was just like, can we move on? And it was just like, but that's cool, right, And it was just like, um, yeah, Nikki, um can we cut?

We need to have a talk with you that you're like and Poppy and and Arla and like, you know, that's not what it's about. It's not you were not worried that you're not naming everyone? At what age can you? At what point do you have to go? No, your wolf? We've been calling you wolf now for seven years. I think six months, Like when the baby starts to understand maybe park up and understand its name, I would say three months. You got three months, alright, three months? But

people changed. They go from you know, from Andrew to Andy when you're use his middle name, and people sunk around with everything. He could go by Larry, you know, he could go by four or four four. No wait wait, I have something to say. You guys are gonna really judge me on this one. For his birthday is actually the s of November. Shots fired, Oh I do this thing you've ever done? Said a different date though, too said,

but I knew it when I said it. It just didn't feel right, and because it's if I would have done that, because I was just like, I can't call my sister a liar right now about like a photo of me and her pregnant. But yeah, anyway, he was amazing. I already posted it on our account. It was so good. It was the night before Andrew was Yeah, Andrew too much Thanksgiving food and it literally had the same sized stomach as my sister that was about to be in

labor that night. And you. I went to the Funny Bone to run my set the night before I went to hospital. And Andrew went to the bathroom at the Funny Bone and puked because he was so sick from eating too much. Came out different ends though, we gotta do Reddit dumb, it's so it's too good today it's red it dump. That's when my mouth stretched and Turkey boy, alright,

redd it dump. This is your redit dump. M M yes dump okay, um, I just I'm going to read a couple of these like tweets that show up on Reddit. This one is from the supreddit me I r L. It's like it's just people being like, this is so me. And this is a tweet from Kathleen Barber. Barber and says you've probably seen it before, but it says every email I ever send, Hello, exclamation mark, I'm extremely excited

to be corresponding with you. Exclamation mark. You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use exclamation point. Here's one sentence with a period, so that I don't come across as manic period. Thanks, exclamation mark. I do that. Yeah, I have used the exclamation just so. There's sometimes that these tweets where you just go, god, that's such a good comedy bit. Like, there's so many stand up jokes that would be like the lynchpin of entire special that

could get you like on the map. That are just these little tweets that people put out, like yours your viral tweet. Oh yeah, the one about the wrapping the exclamation marks? Do you but isn't that part of your voice denotation and not the word I don't know already come up for you know, it doesn't do that. Yeah, well, yeah, when I dictate, I say exclamation point. Yeah. So my friend Bill Dixon, he showed up. He's a he is a you know, executive producer and writer on uh Perfect Readers,

Too and one and he. The other day, I was on white people Twitter, which is a subreddit where like people have funny tweets from white people. I don't know why I also on black people Twitter. It doesn't make any sense, but so it said, Um, his tweet is about five years ago. I worked and I just read the tweet. I've seen this tweet before and I've never looked at who it's from, and then all of a sudden,

I was like Bill Dixon. So it says about five years ago, I worked in a restaurant and ludicrous came in, ordered spring rolls and sent them back. When I apologize, he said, don't apologize. Spring rolls are unpredictable. I think about this at least once a week. Remind me of like a like a I could see Mitch Hedberg saying something in that vein. That's how it's so funny. I wrote to him. I go, oh my god, I read this before I saw it was you. I was like, this is so fucking funny. He said, Um, I'm a

fucking star. He said, happened like eight years ago. I tried desperately to make it a bit for like three years because it was such a remarkable moment, but gave up and just tweeted it like five years ago, and like once a year revirals and pops up on moist Buddha or whatevs um I said. He said, it's a good one. Luda retweeted it and is occasionally asked about

it in interviews. Though, yeah, I've very rarely ever had a bad spring roll like out of out of food, Like I feel like and I'm not shot fired here. I don't feel like they're down, unpredictable. I always feel like they were within the same five. I can't understand I would ever be a problem. Fry like shoelaces and they'll be good. Maybe that was shoelace fries. Um, okay, style of fry. Here's another me, I r l being new at a job is so embarrassing for no reason.

And someone responded to it said, someone said, it feels like your new character on season five of the show is so embarrassing. Um, this is insane. Okay, this is from technically the truth the subreddit technically the truth. Um. The caption the you know title is I know, I know y'all are feeling about this. I know how you all are feeling about this, and I am very sorry. And it's someone googling high five emoji and the emoji that shows up is the one we all use as

the prayer hands. It is, in fact, a high five, not prayer hands. Isn't that crazy. It's not the same pair of hands. It's two different hands. Uh yes, hands. Yeah, should be just two different like skin tones to make it look like it's. Oh, that would be good, but this was before we embraced that. Maybe so they should

have a prayer hands for every one. The other hand, I guess it'll probably only lets you high five people of your own race, or maybe more of the arm to make it look you know, it's it's a bad look. Um No, I want to play, um, I want to play the My man just gave up um that that clip. This is a girl that is on a podcast and she's she's like a playboy bunny. She has like bunny

ears in she looks like an influencer. She has a lot of filler in her face, and she is not a smart person because that we don't actually need gravity. But that's a different things. We're watching something or someone like we don't actually need gravity. We're watching to me like we actually don't need it? What do you mean that we don't need gravity? What if it was never invented? Who ever created gravity? If someone dead? But we don't actually need it? There was a time on Earth before

gravity existed. Yes, you should know what why? I just feel like it's important to understand the world you live in that you have to know what gravity. Okay, well you should know that in Foster and you don't know her thought? What Oh I hate when people do that. Okay, so probably at some point in that podcast also she had mentioned someone and the person didn't know who they were, and um, have you ever met someone who didn't know

something like that? Like, you know, she has a good point her knowing what gravity is is probably not going to serve her in life. Well yeah, I mean, at what point, like me knowing what gravity is and that it wasn't something that was invented or but could you describe you describe gravity? Why? Why does gravity the moon? I know? But like I say, I know it's a

natural phenomenon. I know that no one invented it. That's the thing that I think when some people think that something is that, Like, I'm like, but I would have asked her, what do you think it is that? Like there are like towers that create it? Like I don't know, maybe she does, I mean, does gravity a TikTok? Was she thinking like God created gravity? Is that where she

was doing? I think she thinks it's like I bet she thinks, you know, Edison or whatever created electricity, when really was you know, like she probably thinks like it was whoever discovered it. I think of Sir Isaac Newton, right, gravity with like an apple or whatever. Um okay, this is a really sad one. Noah play the guy who uses and this is from cringe Topia subreddit, guy who uses an MP three file to pretend he's at a

college party. So this guy is pretending to be drunk, and he's filming like a selfie video, and in the background you hear a lot of party chatter and it sounds real until you realize it's a track of a party and he's acting like he's at a party. So listen in are you people think I'm drunk? Drunk. No, I sold the dog. Trust me, if I was drunk, I would know about it. But I'm just having a good time. You know, really college what college is about. So but I do appreciate big you guys to support

him a channel. Okay, it's just sad it looks like this. How did they find out that it was a lot of a track? I mean because you I think someone found the track or someone just once you start listening to it, you go like really paying attention. It's not it's not a good look. Um, have you ever done I mean, we've all done things to seem cool. I want to say that that's kid, but it's so sad that I don't even think it's. Yeah, it's it's it's it's bad. Um. I mean I think I've done things

to seem like more popular. Maybe back for the day. Um, it's just or caught someone like pretending like they went to a party that weekend, or but there used to be this thing in high school we're like pretending like you got drunk was like the coolest thing to be, like I'm so drunk, and like people would act like they're drunk and they'd be like, that's not an alcoholic.

I've heard stories of that or like I remember one girl they did that at my at my um prom A kid put oduls in the first keg to like as a prank. Wow, like and we're like great, and then we've all found out and we're like cool. I've gotten drunk off of Tenno Duels. When I first quit drinking,

I drank like Tenno Duels and I felt something. It was like having a couple of kombucha's and not the alcoholic kombucha is like people always go, no, you can't feel anything from kombucha, and then why do you drink it? Why do you? Why do sober people love kombucha so much. It's because it gives you something, just like caffeine gives you something it doesn't give you. And I'm not talking about black label that it actually has alcohol in it.

I'm talking about regular kombucha. It's got a little bit of something. Otherwise you wouldn't drink it. It's not delicious. There's other things that have sugar and them that are way better. But yeah, people do. With the Rega Remember regun I was like, well you smoke, dude, you high bro.

That was Reguano, Like man, I'm still still I swear to God though so much of like getting high or drunk is based, Like I'll be around drunk people and I'll start acting drunk, like I absorbed so much of how they will act, or like you know, accents, like we just kind of absorb your environment. Um, okay, so this is the one I wanted to test Lauren on. I'm going to ask her. Um, wait, okay, wait, your

anti spending so much of your time? You have so many horse flies in the tent espera to tilla passau tiennis tantas mosto in uh to carpa, damn girl in la carpa, not your well. In French, this is how it is in the turn. There's something like that in Spanish with como because como can mean how, and como can mean I eat, and then tom can also mean like so you ever do like the mayor como. They're called like trouble linguas like tongue twisters in Spanish. I

like it. Um, that's okay, let's go into final thought. I just want to give you. I used to do this thing. Taylor mcgram one of my best friends, and I used to always go into we'd spend our contact period, which was like a twenty minute period between second and third hour. We're supposed to like go visit teachers to like learn things or just like people would just socialize. But we would go into hair Um Anderson, who used to work with right, he's this is his last year.

We used to go to hair Anderson him classroom. Hair. You know, it's it's so har Anderson's room. And he does have nice hair though, really good hair, a strong a strong uh he does, yeah, blind a strong hairline. And um. We would go into his classroom and we would quiz him on like really weird words to be like how good are you? And so we would just throw weird words at him to like stump him. So

can I try to stump you? You're probably going to be able to stump I know, because there's lots of words that you wouldn't But okay, um uh quirkscrew, Oh okay, I know that one um bunk bed um No same sumpter you got anyone's um bunk bed dolphin tail? Ohine, delphine. You don't even know English? Yeah, it's stumped English. The game. I just thought I was thinking of any words u uh bronze uh bronze oatmeal bowl. Well that's easy because it's just gonna be they los cerealis uh bronzeado. What

about avenna avenna avennas? Yeah oats okay because in Mexico zesus, I think it's you're giving me a lot of Latin rooted words. Kind of got it. Um uh the charging cable for my old transistor radio uh cablet day cargo part of me viejo or me antiguo radio. Okay, this is a boring segment one. Okay, yeah, okay, I got a hot dog at the library, yo, conci Wait what was something hot? Oh? A dog to say, a dog

that's hot, a little hot dog. But like what if people think that, Like what if you're saying my dog is hot and you can take me to the that No, then you would say me pero. Okay, so what about my dog ate a hot dog and now he's hot, pero, come and where by bottom my sexy dog ate a hot dog and now he's sexy. Now he's a dog that's hot, and he's more sexy about a hot dog than because Calliente isn't that hot. Yeah, but they just say sexy too sexy. When you say that a dog

is hot, why are you saying a different word? Because I was thinking that like he's like overheating. No, no, he's sexy. So my sexy dog ate a hot dog and now he's more sexy. Say it me, pero sexy cameo CALLI Okay, well, okay fine. I feel like I'm like, hell, um, Lauren, is there anything We have a lot of parents listening in that have small children who are obviously going to be going to school or are in school. Is there anything you could say as a parent to a student

that you would like to say? Um, as a teacher, as a teacher, as a as a teacher, Oh or the kids that are so respectful and nice and sweet make all the difference in the class. So please thank you. Yes, so many kids don't say please and thank you. I realize that following candidates, they don't have like the reverie or respect for adults, Like they just look at us like you don't like they just don't they look at you like you're like, they treat you like your your peer.

What happened to being scared of adults? I was scared off literally every adult and I would have done anything that any of them told me to. I was in the middle. Probably, Yeah, you challenge kids, I think that. I mean, if they're being disrespect it, yeah, I can see that. But I wasn't a skunk because he had white hair in between. But he was being rude to me, so I just shot back, Oh, okay, skunk, and then he threw me Oh my god. Did anyone I know that he was a skunk? Like? Was that a thing?

You guys whispered to each other? I think if they didn't know, they were just such a good Yeah. Yeah, he looked exactly like can I ask a question when you have kids like that though, that are like, well I'm too cool for and you're teaching and you're giving a lesson, do you ever like look? I mean, I don't want to put this in your brain, but I know as the lights are on, if I was a teacher, I would look at Johnny in the third row being like like all right, like funck? Like does that ever

funk with you? Them not paying attention? Or like them like you like doing stand up and pay? It makes you It makes you like murder to what do you do when someone not paying attention or they're like you can see them like not you know them out. I mean, I'm like, put away your phone, let's pay attention. Are they're allowed to have their phone? M it's a losing battle. You just you just have to accept it. And they all just stare into their laps a lot. They're very

interested in their laps there. Yeah, and inside their desks. I'm sure there's a lot going on. Oh, they just have it out. They're just yeah, my god. Right before we go, tell listeners one thing about me that they wouldn't know that, you know, because we grew up together. Oh, um, you're very sensitive? What really? Yeah, you you have like this, you know, you portray this kind of harder exterior, but deep down you're just a little squishy marshmallow. Oh my god,

thing so sweet. That's all I want is to be. We talked about favorite um compliments, and my my favorite one is you're adorable, So that kind of goes into that being like a little a little sweet sweet. Yeah, and you're elegant. Oh you're actually that would be hilarious if Lord and was like she's really tidy. Al Right, guys, we gotta go. Thank you Lauren for being here, my sister. I love to have you back. Uh. Season two is coming up next week. Get your friends involved. This is

a great We're gonna start fresh. All the things that you know and love about the show will be back. A little couple of changes will happen, but nothing that is going to throw you. Will be here four days a week. We love you so much. Thank you so much for listening to the show this past year, no matter when you joined in. UM, come see us on the road. We're doing meet and greets everywhere. We can't wait to meet you guys. We have merched available at the pod uh pod shop, dot Nikki Glaser dot com

and um, yeah, we really appreciate you guys. Thank you, busties. We love you. Yeah. Great season one. Even know what you were doing seasons until I guess we're doing seasons. It's kind of cool. I love it feels like the ode so well I thought, I thought, alright, yeah I have all the swells. Don't be a y good one. Okay, do you know he is no gravity