#141 Anything For Anyone

is associated with the podcast. I appreciate just like fitting into my schedule and considering me UM during this time of a lot of work. But we're back and UM, it's it was weird to be away from you guys for so long. Noah, how did you feel about it because we haven't recorded since it's been a week since Monday. Yeah,

a week. And Andrew just remarked that that is how most podcasts do it, like He's like, they just do once a week, and that's how well, that's how this original this podcast was originally presented as that and could have been that, but I said, now pay me the same, let's do four times the amount because I like I like a daily show, and man, there's a lot that goes into the psychology behind wanting to do more work even though people don't want it from me. Um. Because yeah,

but I'll get to that in a second. Let me put a little bookmark in that. No, how did you feel not doing the show every day? It was very relaxing because last week I went to l A to spend time with family. I don't know a lot. Yeah, there's just a lot going on, so I appreciated not having to manage a job also along with family stuff. How is that? Um, we're family or obvious family? It was obvious family. Okay, So and when you put a

bunch of family together, you know what happens. Yes, everyone loves each other and gets along and they remember how secure the bond of having the same bloodline is, right, Yeah, because that's this is the thing. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Just because we have the same DNA and we came from the same fucking grandfathers or like some connection doesn't mean we have to be friends or like each other even see each other. There's

a lot more people in this world. I have a lot more in common with than just a couple like DNA strands, you know, like family, this whole thing of like family. First, I understand the people you grow up with, the people that you have this bond with from an early age or whatever. But um, the idea that I have to see family because they're in the town that I'm in, or because they want to or because their family doesn't fly with me. I just I just don't

get it. It wasn't so much that it's just like, I know that you spend time with your family, and I'm looking forward to hearing about it. But something happens to us where we turn into teenagers, or at least for me, oh my god. Yes, And I observe it in others when we're around parental figures. Oh boy, what do you do? When do you slip back into what's the thing that you go, whoa, here's teenage? No, uh,

I'm just more inclined to throw a temper tantrum. But this, you know, like I had a really good therapy session before this week, so I had a lot of good tools to use, But I don't know what it is. It's just like this like involuntary response to parents. I think I wish We could have done a podcast about this before the holidays, but guess what, it's before the holidays now. Maybe you're going back for for Christmas. There is um there's an amazing meditation on the Waking Up

app that I listened to all the time. When and I'm about to go into a situation where i know that I'm going to be triggered into acting like my teenage self. I'm going to look it up on the break and play it for you just a little bit later because I don't want to waste our time right now.

But there's just a snippet of it that says, pretty much paraphrasing, it is, like you, it's about those reactions we have that it's you know, those knee jerk reactions where you say something or you do something and you don't need to do it, and it's just you know what's going to happen, and like, go, let me try to consulidate my thoughts when I'm going into like a family situation where I know my mom's gonna say the wrong thing. I know she's gonna like, you know, I'm

just this is not about my mom. Mom. If you're listening, this is just an example you literally don't do this to me anymore. But like, I know she's gonna make a comment about my weight or a comment about my food choice, because I mean, I'm on a diet now, something that you're going into the holidays with, and you're like, they're gonna, I'm gonna get comment on it. I'm a size bigger, a couple of sizes bigger, I'm a size to mall whatever, like really doing work around the fact

that that has nothing to do with you. And it's hard. It's so hard to realize that. But I find that when I when someone is angry at me about something or has an opinion about me, I have to I have to stop and remember how miserable their life must be, like truly, and especially people that have a lot of hate in their hearts. And you know the woman there was a woman um that Anya went up to on

their way to Denver. I was taking my special this weekend and all my friends came out aside from you, Carlyle and uh Sarah, Lena, we're missing, and my friend Halla as well, we're the ones, and my sister and my parents. Okay, so it's a lot of people missing. But like everyone else, in my life that I love

besides those those six people. Um. But Anya was at her gate in New York waiting for a flight and she went to like another sect and her gate was kind of full, so she went to this other less credit section, a few people there, and there was this woman on her phone that was just screaming into her phone on speaker phone, talking to someone, bundled up in

her coat, talking out loud to someone. Annie kind of makes eyes with the people around her, kind of seeing like we all are annoyed by this woman, Like this is a full blown loud conversation in a quiet area. So Anya, who had gotten who had recently listened to a Whitney Cummings on her podcast talking about I'll be the one that goes up and tells people, hey, um, can you put some headphones on? Everyone can hear you? Like Whitney said this on her podcast, She's the one

that does it. So Annie's like, be fucking Whitney right now. I'm gonna take a page out of that book. Um. And she went up to the woman and she was like, excuse me, I'm sorry. UM, so, uh, is there any way you can put in headphones? And the girl goes what. She goes, oh, is there any way that you could put in headphones we can all hear? And she goes, I don't care, and she goes, you don't care and she goes no. She goes, oh, okay, well that's that's

kind of rude. And she goes, oh it is and she Onya goes yeah, and she goes, well you're rude, and she goes, actually, I don't think I am. And then she walked away. But on you said, she was like shaking because this confrontation that like turned into this whole thing, it didn't go you know, what way do you want that to go? I don't know, someone that's already on their phone screaming into it, you're not going to get the reaction you want out of that person. Like,

this is the thing that I remember so often. I had a let me just say how this ends. So then and they'll go back. So then Anya it walks back to her section. Everyone's kind of looking at her like kind of like sorry for her, and when she's like shaking because this didn't go the way it is. She got screamed at and then she you know a half hour later, she goes to the bathroom, she's walking back. This woman is a gate agent. She was just wearing

her coat. She works there, And so Anya is like, this woman works at the airport and was doing this and like got so. Then Anya wrote Whitney a d M. Being like, hey, you inspired me to say something and this is what happened, and she was she said she was so disheartened because Whitney wrote back, like, you gotta understand that woman deals with really annoying people all day and it's probably just angry and like and honestly, no, I wanted don't don't don't you know, make it about her,

like her having a rough time. But the truth is, Whitney, Anya and I both go, God, come on, Whitney, stopping the stop being right, because we both know that that's right. Like that woman's life is so bad and that's this is another thing that I just stumbled upon when you on your Because in every situation altercation I have, you know, something like that where I want to let it go.

I try to figure out what my part to play was and what I can apologize for or what I can forgive myself for so I can move on from it.

I had a moment on stage with someone. I might have talked about it on the podcast, but one of my friends brought I was bringing one of my friends on stage, and they were so offended by my act that they uh because I was talking about anal and it was kind of about poop and stuff, and they were so like gross out that they didn't hug me, and they made a big scene of like I don't want to even touch the mic that she's on and all this stuff, and I was really hurt by that.

And then they went on to spend the first five minutes of their set saying how disgusting I was and how like man I thought she was like doing well, Like that was really I'm so sorry, guys. They kept apologizing to the audience for how they had to watch that, and and the thing is I killed, Like I I know when I don't do well. I would admit it right here. It was one of my strongest sets in a while. And I think that was really the issue there was the person didn't want to have to follow

what I just did. And also maybe they're right, maybe it was a little too blue. Maybe for them it was just kind of gross to follow that, and how are they supposed to talk about like their relationship with their nephew. After I talked about that, maybe that's it, who knows. But I was watching this off stage and I was getting My blood was boiling because this is someone I brought up on stage, is one of my favorite comics, one of my friends. They wouldn't first of all,

they wouldn't hug me. They made me feel disgusting. What you guys know, I feel stained. It's been a while. And they were like reiterating that that I was disgusting, like just really blown away by how gross I was, and um, and I was. My blood was boiling. Carlisle was off stage with me, and I was gonna leave because I don't like to hear people talk about me. That's why I don't read comments. I don't want to hear bad things I know they're being said, I don't

want to read them. And carl was trying to air drop me my set or some pictures and she's and I'm like, Carl, I want to leave because he won't stop talking about me, Like I want to get out of here. And she's like, just wait a second. She was like, it's standing. It's like has to go through the air, like hold on, hold on, like it's air dropped, it's in a second, just give it a second, like it's okay. Just don't listen to him, don't listen to him.

And I'm like, i gotta go, I gotta go, and I'm like walking out, and then I hear him after I'm witnessing this for five minutes. He does one joke, then he goes back into how disgusting I am sure it was crazy, Noah, like I'm not exaggerating. It was four minutes of him saying how disgusting I was. At the top, he did thirty second joke, and then he went back into saying how disgusting I was and just going like I can't even do anything. I can't even talk right now. That was so gross, Like how are

we supposed to continue? And so that's when I when he goes when he says, I'm really sorry, you guys. You didn't deserve that, Like when he apologized on behalf of how gross I was. I walked back in the room. I stomped back in the room, and I go, I'm so sorry, Like you know, let's say his name is John John. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so disgusting you couldn't even hug me. Oh my, And he goes, I didn't say you're You're not disgusting, and I go, well,

why didn't you hug me? And he's just like, You've had enough time. Stop trying to make this about you. And I'm like, I never ever even if my friend is on stage, and like I want to help them in some way. Like one time David Spade was on stage and I really I could see he was looking for the next bit to do, and I really wanted to do this bit we worked on, like in the car, or that I had reminded him of in the car, And I even then I didn't want to like Heckle

to draw. I don't ever want people to think I'm trying to get people to look at me when I'm off stage. That is just not my AMMO. Maybe it's because I do want that so desperately that I want to mitigate against anyone thinking I want it, you know what I'm saying, Like I'm aware of how annoying that is. So never in a million years do I like to ever like Heckel, either positively with a friend or negatively.

But this time. I let it go for six minutes in total, and I said, and I ran in there and I got you know, my anger got the best of me, and we got into an altercation. And guess what. It didn't go well. It didn't go well. And you know what, why would it have gone well? Why would it have gone well? This guy is on stage saying how disgusting I am. He knows I'm in the room. He can't get back into his material. Why would that woman who was screaming on her phone have been suddenly like, oh,

I'm so sorry. She knows what she's doing. My old therapist who was abusive, used to say to me, if they were sorry for it, they wouldn't do it. If they were sorry for it, they wouldn't do it. So, you know, if they if they knew what they were doing was bad, they wouldn't do it. But they don't have it in them. So when you go into a situation and you confront someone. Now, this was the thing that was wild to me to learn because I had to I after that altercation, I was shaking the way

an you was. I just it didn't go well. It didn't look good for either of us, mostly him, but not me, and I knew he was gonna be pissed, and I knew there was going to be more fallout from this than just in that room. And I left. I was shaking, and I go, I have to to make peace with this or I'm going to I had a flight to go catch I was taking right out of I was going home to pack, and then was taking a red eye to fucking Minneapolis like it was gonna be me trying to get sleep on the plane

thinking about this and being like vibrating with anger. Right So I was like, I have to let go of it. I have to let go. The only way to let go is to forgive and to apologize. And I was talking to my friend and and I and I go, I have to apologize for my part. I got to figure out what my part was, because it was there was something I did something and he's like, no, you didn't, you didn't do anything. Don't apologize for anything, and I go,

I hear you, but I must. I know how good it feels when I do, and I know it's the only way to get over these things. So I assessed, and what I realized was my fault in this situation was that I heckled him, I I should have just left. I yes, it's standing up for myself. It wasn't the way to do it, especially in a heightened situation when that person is on stage, They're only going to get

more defensive. This person is on stage making fun of me, knowing I'm in the room just being totally irrational and mean. Why is that person when confronted with me and my sarcastic tone of I'm so sorry, Why are they suddenly going to realize the airs of the their way and apologize They weren't going to Nikki. You knew that, you knew that it wasn't going to go. Well, that is your part to play. You should have just left. So I wrote this person and I said, I'm so sorry

for what just happened. My anger got the best of me, and I was really feel looks sad that someone I thought was my friend was saying mean things about me, and I lashed out and I really wish I would have left. That was a bad mistake and it was your show and I shouldn't have shouldn't have interrupted, and I really regret it, and I'm so sorry. And you know what, he did not apologize to me. He said, you know a lot, there were a lot of moving parts. It is what it is. Have a good flight. And

then I sent a heart. Thank you John, that's on his name. He sent a heart back and we were done. And you know what, I told my friends this story, and my friends were so upset for me, and it kept it almost kept coming back in my life because they kept being like, God, funk that guy, blah blah, And I would be like, oh my god, I shouldn't have even told you, guys, because I really was able to get over it immediately as soon as I apologize for my part. And I didn't need the fact that

he didn't apologize. Why would he have. This person is not capable of this right now, I don't need it from him. All I needed was to think about my part. So, when you're headed into the holidays, or you're headed into a situation where you know you're not going to get the response you want, don't go looking for it. Don't go trying to get it out of them, especially in

the heat of the moment um. Try to try so hard to mourn the loss of the friend, the mother, the sister, the aunt that you wish you had you wish that person was different and behaved in a different way. They're not. They're not that person. They're never gonna be. You might not have got them dad you wanted. You deserved a dad that cared about your life, that was loving towards you, that didn't mock you, that didn't put

you down. You didn't get that. You got other things in life that other people that got dad's like that that you wanted got, but you didn't get that dad, and you need to, like, you need to cry about the dad you didn't get. I have done that before with like certain people in my life that I'm like, I wanted, I want this kind of boyfriend or best friend. Like I look at my friends, they have this kind

of girlfriend. I want my boy friend to have that kind of thing for me that my friend's girlfriend does for them. You didn't get that. You don't get everything you want in life. You get other things that the person didn't have, But honestly, feel sorry for yourself about it. Feel sorry for yourself that you don't have the mom that you want, and cry and cry and cry for the child that you were that didn't get the feelings met for you. Know when I finally stopped expecting my

parents to be something they weren't. And I have great parents, by the way, I'm very grateful for my parents and everything they give to me, and the love they have for me, and the fact that they're healthy and supportive and all these things. Like I lucked out. Um, they do have deficiencies that I would have needed to be a more fuller, you know, self assured person, and and they still do and I still want that from them sometimes.

But my abusive therapist really helped me go just more in the loss of the parent, you want to kill them in your head, like make a make a funeral for them and cry. I cry that you didn't have the mom that did this thing that you did so desperately are fixated on, like why didn't she do this thing? Because you didn't win that mom lottery in terms of that, and that somehow really helped me was just stopping waiting for a person to become the thing that you and

go get that thing elsewhere. That's why we get to have friends, that's why we get to have co workers, that's why we get that's go get it elsewhere because you can get that need that your husband's not meeting that your girlfriend's not meeting for you, that your brother, your sister, you're an only child, you can go get that elsewhere. And maybe you're someone that doesn't have that many friends or access to friends. I'll be that friend

for you. I love you, Um. I can't really offer more than that, but like you, you can have everything you want, maybe just not in the same packages that you wanted in. And this is just helpful for me to hear too, because today I was really stressing about or I guess this weekend I was stressing about the fact that Andrew and um his girlfriend Brenna, mrs so much Brena, I love you so much, baby. Um we're

talking about moving in. They're moving in together, and he was talking about his weekend with her in Chicago last weekend, and it was I was getting jealous because she like likes doing his laundry, She likes taking care of him and folding his laundry and like doing all these things for him, which is like such a loving thing she like. I remember one time over hearing her say, like, I like doing those things for you because it makes not because I like doing laundry, but because it makes you

feel good. And I like making you feel good, and it was just such a beautiful way to say it, and I was like, God, I have to. I'm I'm about to hire a housekeeper because I can't keep up with my laundry. I just can't. And the fact that I have to pay someone and Andrew just gets to have a girlfriend that likes doing that, I'm like, I want a girlfriend that likes doing that. Why don't I? I would? I was bitching about this weekend. I was like,

I wouldn't any guy. There's no guy out there that would ever enjoy doing a woman's laundry and folding their underwear. Like how lucky are men that women just are more nurturing and they get to have us fucking take care of them. And it's like they get that and we have to fucking you know what do we get? And if a man was to like folder laundry, he would be effeminate and that would be mean, your husband's a

little bitch? Why is it? And I was bitching about it so much, and then this weekend I did my special and I had the guy that I'm dating there with me, and I swear to you, if he would not have been there, I, it would have been like my special head dirty laundry like I would have been my all of my special would have ship stains on it just because and not let it would I was still want to look great, but there would have been ship stains on it, you know, like it would have

been laundry that I had done not well. Um, And I realized, Wow, this thing that I thought I was like lacking, Like, let's yes, the guy I'm dating will never do my laundry ever, that's just not something he is going to do. But there are a lot of people out there that aren't going to support and nurture and um literally really help shape my special give me

the confidence to do it. Like I was thinking about past guys I've dated and what they would be like backstage with me during the special, and how different they would look than the guy I'm dating now, and it made me fucking sad and furious that like I could even let someone like that into my life because for me, what what this person did for me this weekend was so much more valuable than my laundry and anything else that I could look at someone's relationship and go, I

want that, And I I got that because I don't need someone to do my laundry. I can't hire someone. So this whole resentment I had all weekend about being a woman and not being able to have a man ever fold my laundry because that would just be an emasculating thing to do. And women are always taking care

of men and how funk that is? And I should probably get a wife and no, no, no no, wives aren't helping, you know, with my set list and going to the prompter and making sure it's right and making sure I

have all the right food. But like, I was so taken care of this weekend and such a love way, and it made me just very appreciative for the relationship I have that might be have deficits compared to others, but I was and and you know what, maybe your relationship has deficits compared to others and there's no strengths, then you need to leave that person. But I was able to get to a place where I found like, Okay, I've got something. I wasn't even looking at the full picture.

I hope this helped you all. This really helped me. Let's get Andrew in here, and what up? I was just talking about, um, how I was you know, you were telling me last week that when you visited Brenna in Chicago, like how it was so nice. She's like does your laundry and takes care of you and like really enjoys doing those things and like it's such a

loving thing. And I was feeling so jealous that I don't I'm never going to find a man that's wants to do my laundry, and if he does, it's like not the kind of man I'd be attracted to, or like it's just not a manly thing. It's not a masculine thing. And I was feeling so much rage about it, like not about you, but like just about God. Men get women taking care of them. I have to hire a housekeeper. I'm going to spend thousands of dollars to do what like women just naturally do for men in

a relationship. Then I realized what my guy I'm seeing did for me this weekend for my special was Yeah, old Bob, what he did for me for my special was like my version of laundry. And that you know, a lot of people, a lot of relationships that I look at and I'm envious of they would never have that, like not a lot of people need what I needed

this weekend. It was a very specific thing that this person brought to my life that was so I mean, I was just so grateful this weekend, not only for him, but for you, for a meal, for U, Kirsten, for uh Jen, my assistant slash cotour manager Anya Um, for my parents, for my sister, for um Robin, for cats, for Corey, Kirsten's husband who lets her go and do a life and have a life and and is with Kirsten all day at my special. But like, isn't trying to make it about him is just chilling? Um Man.

This weekend was my major Alex, my my agent, Nick, my um director Lynn Mendoza, uh the assistant director, I forget his name, but god damn it, he was so nice.

I'm gonna my producer John Irwin. I feel like I'm accepting an award, which I probably will be for the special because it was so you know, all of the besties that came out to the show or sent me a note, Seth Herzog who opened the show, but all the besties that came in Denver, Man, y'all made me feel so freaking good and I felt, you know, how I feel about you and how I feel like you're my friends, and like it was like I had friends

in the building, especially for that second show. No offensive, you came to the first show and we're like, hey, I gave him my all. I know you did. There was a bestie in the second show that at the very top of the show she goes and I was just like, I was like, and you wrote me later going sorry, I funked up your taping. I just had to yell it and I was like, no, I love that.

I hope we can keep it in because it was a moment where I just was like, oh, I've got friends here, like not just my friends that are seated, but like and then a girl gave me a note after the show, oh my and and a selling hands and spray tan Brianna. I think her name is Oh my god, this letter. I started crying on the goddamn plane when I was reading it on the way back. I just I love you all so much. I missed you last week. Um and yeah, seriously, Andrew, thank you

so much for being there. You didn't even perform, but like you were in my you know, opening shot with me, but in the crowd I was watching from the crowd and like some besties, definitely uh reckonnized and it was nice. It was like a couple of nods and then I got a couple of messages after that was really nice.

But yeah, no, dude, it was like, um, it's interesting because it's like you don't want to get in the way, you don't want to over like there's a lot of people in the room, so you want but I want to give you some advice on some of the jokes. Sometimes you were so helpful but without being overbearing. And then the roach roach line was so good, but it didn't make it so like we were trying to break. And then you didn't do it in the second I heard I forgot to do it in the second but

we can put it. Did I do quack quack whack? I hope I think I did. I was like because I didn't see in the first one, duck well Andrew. We were writing jokes up until like Anya watched Anya saw me a week ago in Long Island, and since then I have put in so much work to the special. It was like I probably it probably changed like fifty percent, like in terms of getting in there and messing out

of the jokes. We really went crazy on it, and but I got it was so fun because so many jokes that we just came up with backstage, and like, you know, a meal, give me a few lines. You gave me so many, like the roach roach thing. I won't explain because people aren't going to hear it. We have there. I have a section of my special about toilet paper you find in your vagina, and I was talking about how you know I have. I don't want to say the other words that I used for it,

but I call them something. I call them like, you know, they look like little um, you know, rolls of marijuana paper, I want to say. And so we were trying to think of other like like they look like joints that tiny people are smoking, right, like the tiniest joints. And so we're trying to think of tiny animals plus a joint word that wasn't joint because I had used that before. So we were trying to think of like, what's what's another animal that would be smoking like a um, you know,

like a gerbil split. Like, we were trying to think of things like that, and Andrew goes, what about a roach? Roach? And I was like, what the that's so funny. So in the first first show I did say it for the person well, because I'm in a punk of crossroom and I'm like, you could see these all over the ground. Now I thought it was just me, but you could see them everywhere. And I was like, I even saw a little cockroach smoking one. I was like, oh my god,

it's a roach. It's a roach smoking. It's a roach roach, and it just it might work in the special. I feel like if it was like on a TV, like a like any other like, it would work so well in so many ways. Can someone please draw us a roach smoking roach? Yes, burnt roaches like the last little part of a joint day that you don't that you put in the ash tray and then you could smoke it later or you can put it in a little ball man. That made me laugh. Roach roachs was so good.

What was the other line you gave, Doc, Doc, I'm talking about what you do with like jokes you make around common sometimes. Uh. Andrew was like, because I was like, what could you do with common? We were talking about you smeared in your hands and then you you put your palms out and then you make it. Wait, why did Siri just turn down? Turn on? What did I say? I don't want you bit, stop asking me what I want?

Go away, Sirie, go away, go to your home. But um, I said something that sounded like a U. S oh maybe, but you do, you do. We're coming your hands and then it's so funny. We're westing to the machines. Don't hear us. And then you spread your fingers apart and you let it dry, and then you go, I'm a duck wack. I don't even know if I did it or not. I got it blacked out. Um, I thought I was really stoked. You only need it in the first show. But the name for a future variant, I

just gave you that. Oh that was so fun. Let's let's that'll. We'll keep that in because I nailed it the first show. A lot of some stuff I didn't do in the second show because I just go I don't want it. I don't need to do it again. I nailed it. I have too much much. I have an hour and a half hour and forty minutes. I think that I have to cut down to an hour, and I already cut that down from like two and

a half hour, I have so much to do. Yeah, that was brilliant though, when like because like I was like, there's gotta be something there and you're like, only if it's great, and then like wen, yeah, and it was just like that's the that's the magic of UM just having a bunch of comics in a room, and not even just comics, like even my friends who are just funny, like they add stuff too, but but it almost feels like you're working in a like a music studio and

you're like, what about for this beat? Like and like that's the thing is people always think that UM with stand up, you know, you have to craft it. You've got to do this joke and then you've got to say it fifty times for it to find its flow. Sometimes it's the first fucking time. Guess what fallon jokes? He says those one time? And you know monologue jokes, you know, one of my favorite jokes of all time

was Conan's Conan monologue joke. Who if anyone from Conan is listening or this gets to someone from Conan, I would love to know who wrote this joke because I'll never forget it. My parents and I just repeat it all the time. But Conan's like the Time Square bomber got sentenced today. Yeah he got sence to life in Times Square. But just and there was something in Banging that I did on stage where I said a bucket of of dicks, a bucket of dildos. I get that

quoted to all the time. I didn't think of that came out on stage. So the idea that this thing has to be perfectly worked out. I'm someone who definitely under the gun produces more than if I have so much everyone goes. You know, I've been thinking to myself, Wow, I did so much work in the last week and a half because the pressure was on. I wish I would have had more time. The truth is I wouldn't

have started. Even if we do all the work the night before another announcement special look incredible, by the way, things like wait until you guys see this. And I'm not gonna say what she was wearing or what the background was, but the background came out perfect. I mean, and this was all due to the man I'm dating. I mean, they sent me a background. It was fine. It would have sufficed. And I go, I don't even know what I fucking want and he has worked in TV a long time and he goes, this could be

a chance to do something pretty cool. What what are some things you like? And I sent him some Taylor Swift the kind of things and he was like, maybe you could ask them to do this, and it was all just yeah, yeah, I mean I did it. I kind of Taylor Swift and whoever to director? What's his name? Linda Mendoza was the director. John Irwin was the Yeah, John Irwyn. Yeah, so he was the one that put everything. I had the best team. I'm really grateful for them.

I've worked with great teams before. I don't want to bang In was a completely different team and was incredible and I got a totally different feeling of a show out of that. And also even The Degenerates was directed by There's I will I will work. I have never yet to work with someone that would be like I never worked with them again except something that wasn't my own project. But um, this just felt like a you know, I got to kind of direct, not direct, but I

got to kind of really Um. I produced and came up with like the first intro that ended up being so funny and on the fly, and um, yeah, I'm very excited for you. But they were like they just felt like they were yes ending yes, and there was a flow going on back there where it didn't feel stressful. It just I don't know, there was something in the air.

I dread calls, you know, we were talking about those calls that I dread where it's just like all this fucking bullshit before you get to what you're talking about. John Are when my producer for the special is the best at making up. He would text me and be like, hey, can you hop on the phone, And I'd be like, oh my god, this is gonna be like thirty minutes to talk about things they don't want to talk about because I don't want to look at the special, yeah,

because I'm so nervous about it. And he would just be like, hey, um, so you want to pick So I got your email about pink microphone. Um, the stand is gonna be thirty is Do you want the stand pink too? It's gonna be thirty six hllars to do that? And I was like, um no, probably just the mic then and he goes okay, Um, all right, thanks, And that was it would be that inside this whole thing and I was. I told him a million times ago. Working with you as a joy because you keep everything

so succinct. There's no rudeness in how succincted this. It just is just efficient. I fucking loved it. Um and I got him pink mic stand and the mic and they gave it to me. So now I'm going to bring a pink mike with me everywhere I go. Oh wow, did you see the photo? I say, you know, the mike with the background. It's just I haven't seen anything. I'm one of them, you know, I don't like things. Um, let's call my sister. My sister Lauren had her third

special little person. I take my third special this weekend. I know that sounded bad. Special person. Uh, he is a special guy. My sister had her baby on thanks the after Thanksgiving, we went to Thanksgiving Thursday night at my parents house. My sister was there, very pregnant with her my niece and nephew. Yeah, we did a side by side. Oh my god, there's a picture of Andrew's belly with my sister's belly. It's so funny. Noah, But my sister I think is a little ay cure about her.

You know, huge pregnant belly show. Yeah, she had a baby in there. You had and a show afterwards, doing you bar? I threw up. I was Oco turkey in there, and uh it was bad. It was bad. I threw up hard, like hard, and I went on stage. I showed my stump. I don't know I was. It was so funny. He showed his stomach on stage, just SUSI went up because it was after Thanksgiving. Every He's like, I just ate so much. Everyone's like laughing at heering. One woman gets up to go to the bathroom. He goes,

what are you leaving for it? And he was like, are you going to throw up? Because she's saw his stomach. It was so funny. Um, okay, I want my sister name her son. You guessed that the name is yeah, you have no attready guess didn't didn't you know the name yet? Noah, Yes, of course. Okay, we're not gonna say it right now. Maybe some of you know it. Um, I just want to say that, you know, originally my sister I thought she was going to have a girl.

My sister's done having kids, so I'll just say that I thought the name her. My sister's last name is green, and I thought she was going to name her daughter because she told me olive, so it would be Olive green, which is kind of like a funny kind of joke. All of their other children do not have color names.

It's Harlow Green and it's Poppy Green. And now, although the sound like pants I would be sold at like a cool store, it does sound like a clothing store that would be like Harlow Green sounds like some kind of it sounds like book Mason or what's the other one? Sailors Stitch. Arlow Green would definitely be make like ads for Arlo Poppy Arlow Green and Poppy Green the sister company. It's like for their intimate section. Okay, so now let's

see what the other offshoot is. I'm going to call my sister because I don't know how they came up with this name. It was a total shock to me. I knew that if there was a boy, they probably were going to go with a color name, like a funny color name, but they surprised me. I had no idea what the name was going to be. This was announced. It could work as a girl's name, absolutely could maybe even better. So if this baby wants to transition at some point. Keep the name in the middle. All right,

I'm gonna call my sister now. She is she gave birth on Friday. It is now Monday. What are you fucking breastfeed or some ship bitch? Yeah, it's notop milking. Hello, this is This doesn't voice change after birth. It's it's normal. It's normal to have your voice change after birth. God, you sound like Mrs doubt fire Like. It's so funny when men try to do a woman's voice, it always sounds like it sounds like an English I know it sounded British. Matt. Um, Hey, Matt, you're on air. Um

on the Nicki Glazer podcast. How you doing. I didn't ask for this. I know you didn't. Well, I called Lauren, So I didn't ask for this. Uh yeah, Lauren's feeding. Um. Oh can you tell her to stop? I have a podcast. I just love picturing Lauren sucking on bigger tits. Lauren's feeding can talk about Hey there, Um, welcome to the Ki Glazer podcast. Lauren, Well, thank you? Hey, Forest, can Forest hear me? Oh? Forest? Hello? Wow, this baby is advanced. Um,

and he's not British. Um? Wait, so you guys had a baby on Friday. Lauren. I'm shocked that it's so weird to me that because Noah even when I told Noah that we were going to call you and she's like wait, so like she can talk on the phone like after giving Like it's just it's crazy that like women can give birth and then just like they can go to McDonald's or they can like they can like

do the dishes or like they can go home. And it's weird to me that you go to the hospital, you have a baby, and then they just send you out and then you're just fucking on your own. Oh I know. Yeah, they like have to check your car seat, make sure that it's instill correctly. They walk you down from the hospital to the parking lot, and then they're like all right, we're good, peace out. Like they're like, you're not gonna shake him, are you okay? Cool? Well

it sounds good. Um, so we used to have to watch your video for that. That's been updated. Oh so they just assume, you know, never just tell you not to never ever shake a baby. I remember those ps A s back in the day. It sounded like shape well then shaking a baby now should be taken off the airwaves. It makes me think like you're shaking a baby to rob them, like like, what do you what's in your pockets? Baby? Um? Okay, can we talk about how you guys came up with the name for us?

Because I just said that, Um, you know, I had heard if it was going to be a girl, you had been considering olive, which I thought was so adorable, such a fun little uh play on word. Um, did you when you thought of a boy name, had you had this name in your back pocket even though you were predicting you were going to have a girl. We had a list, but no, we did not have a name for like there was there was no consensus on a boy name in the pocket. It was on the

list seven names. Can we ask you forest could have been a girl's name for them? There is a forest with one R I read, and also a name for a thing that I don't want to ever go in pants. No, that's that's that's the bad lands. Um cactus? Um, click cactus? Sorry? Forest? Okay, so um Forest? Can I just ask a couple of questions before we let you guys go? Yeah? Wait, I do want to say something about I have well I

just have a story to tell about Thanksgiving night. Oh please, well no, when you guys, uh, when Andrew and I did our little belly shut? Can we post Can we post that on our only on our podcast social it's a private account. Yeah, that's fine. I don't care. But Matt was like, because this baby was ten days early,

so we were not expecting it. But I started having contractions Thanksgiving night after dinner, and that was like, we never got a picture of of you, like in your final stages of pregnancy, and that's like, that's not true of my belly. We do high if racing bellies are touching bellies. It was the last picture of forests inside

a belly is with you, Andrew. I feel like I said that somehow Andrew was the reason the baby was born, like you guys need It was like e t you guys had to touch to make contact for this labor. To me, I think the baby saw my belly and was like I can't keep doing this to my own mother. It was like I can't compete with this. I'm gonna Yeah, it was a belly off and he just was like, yeah, I gotta get out of here, like you had your baby and I threw up in a boyfriend revealed too

much about Andrew. But Lauren gave birth the next day. But Andrew, I heard you gave birth via a different orifice. Yeah, we said that. He did the funny bone already. Yeah, it's so wild. He came out giggling to me at the bar. I was like looking at my set list, and he just goes, man, I test. I just threw up twice, and I was just like what because he was like he was burping. He was so sick in the car ride. He ate too much because yeah, combs

all day. Andrew, you loved this. When we went over to E J and Julius yesterday, I had been Jones and for a leftover turkey sandwich and your mom's like, I don't know what the turkey is. The turkey's all gone. And we kept saying, like Andrew had it. Andrew is like sneak in turkey. So I was wearing cargo pants,

get off my back. They were from Arlow Green, which is we said that Arlo Green sounds like a Instagram like company, like one of these yeah, one of these stores that has like a sullen guy on a rock like with like cool shoes and like, you know like and Poppy Green is its sister company for Like Intimates for women. Um. But Forest, well, um, I was dying for the real like you know. Forest to me was a an name that obviously might be controversial and might

be a little bit different, and people weren't expecting. We all know that. My mom um when she received the birth announcement of Poppy Uh. Famously, my mom notoriously dare I say? My mom said um. And two hours after the birth announcement came at like three am, my mom wrote, is that really her name? Immediately after oh, I thought

it was read oh you know what it was? It was immediately after it said Poppy you know Louise Green, set her weight in the date and everything in a picture of her, and it said it was an official birth announcement on a mask, like on a group text. And my mom said is that really her name? And then she let it sit for two hours. Then I woke up and was like, oh my god, I love her. I love the name. And my mom didn't say anything else the rest of the it was just she also

said is that really her weight? When I did tell her the name? Um, a phone call. Yeah. She also followed up with is that really the name? No way, no way, seriously, you know what. I wish you were having another child so we could just pick the like the worst name ever and really mess with her. I almost I did a joke this weekend where I was saying, my my sister just named her. My sister just had her third baby, and um, she went with a peculiar name,

original name when you haven't heard a lot. She went with Forest. So for my special, I'm naming it Christopher, which is a normal name. Like, just to name my special a baby's name that you've like Brandon, Um, no, Forest, It's It's like was totally a shock, and I was like, oh my god, because I just think Forrest Gump. Now, did you guys worry at all that that was going

to be the first reaction of people. You know, that's a character that definitely is a slow, mentally challenged character, that that was gonna be that was going to follow your baby throughout its life. Actually, no, I didn't think of like him being Yeah, I didn't think of Forest slow that, but I did just think of the movie and I was like, I don't know, it's from the have you not seen the movie in a while, because he's definitely like he's definitely. I just didn't think of

pretty character traits. I just thought, yes, just a loving, lovable yeah. And in that movie, what a sweet like such a you know, I love that and that movie is great. And I am going to say crawl, Forest, Crawl at some point and you and I have to laugh like it's the first time you've heard it, um, And I love that. Lauren acknowledged Forrest Gump in her birth announcement on her Instagram, So she goes Forrest Forest Green. Actually, he well, I liked it. It was a little nod

to like, yes, we know it's Forrest Gump um. And the interesting thing is I was because we were talking about it at the special and I was with all my friends and they're all kind of the same age as me, and I was like, when you guys hear Forest, do you think Forrest Gump? And they're like yeah, And then we go to a meal who's twenty three, and he's like, that is not what I think of at all because he did not grow up with Forrest Gump. So Forest is not going to deal with any Forrest

Gump um stuff. Except from older people. It will haunt him with older people and it will make him resent older people. But he also it's the best movie ever. Well that's why. That's also why like Arlow who was born it was only like older generation, like your parents were like, oh, you guys must love Harlow Gut three and it's like, no to do with that? Yes, why doesn't that have to do with that? And did you guys pick it because it's a color and also you

like the outdoors? Um, we like yeah, we like nature inspired names. I would say, yeah, and I like the it's kind of funny like at first when we were throwing on names, were like, oh, Hunter Green, Olive green, like that's I think. We're like, yeah, it's just like it's this this. Yeah, I love that. You did a little bit of a joke for his name, for it's so cool. The kid's going to get beat up at school for it. What about for his middle names? Lawrence?

Which is is that a nod to where you guys met? Yeah, okay, completely, we didn't have a middle name literally, well, we were thinking of it and we were like, it's fourst Lawrence four. So I was really hoping the middle name was gonna be Booger Forest Booger when Oh, we also think you should name it your next child, Gang Gang green Bug. All right, thank you guys so much. We got to get to the news. You're great, We loved you. Thanks for being on the podcast. Congrat you guys. Can't wait

to meet for I'm coming by later today. Alright, any thank your mom's mashed potatoes. Bye, guys. All right, let's get to the news first. Whoa, it's been about a week since we've last talked, and you heard the news. Apparently it's going pretty well out there. It's all the swells were had this weekend. Hopefully you had some swells. It's Monday, so you know it's Monday that you know what that means, Nick, It's it's it's my first day

of the week from Yeah, sure, it's okay. First story, How to break up with your therapist according to therapists. I went to a therapist to break up with my abuse of therapists. No, what, Why are you always picking things that are so in line with what we're talking about. I've referenced my abuse of therapists like three times a night, and I had a dream about her last night. Where I confronted her about how mean she was to me. How did you do in your dream? Great, dude, great? Yeah,

no kidding, Yeah, she gave me the light. Um yeah, so how do you So I went to a therapist, don't want to break up with? Do they say, don't ghost them? Some encourage to wrap up sessions? So you have a session to break up. Yeah, that's what my therapist wanted. She said she required three sessions after you decided to leave, talk that oh, so you can get a thousand more dollars from you, and convinced me to stay. What she did, Oh she got you? Which one on

the second or third? I mean, I would never I never wanted to leave her because I knew those three sessions were required and that I would have to eventually just ghost her because she was so crazy. And she would text me and say she was the only person that loved me and that I was running away from my feet, like you know, it's just the weirdest thing.

And when I finally left her the story. Annie always loves the story, but she ever would acknowledge that I was like successful and this was a time when I was getting more and more successful, and like you know, really working hard and achieving things, reaching new levels in my career. And she would be like, I don't care. I don't care about any of that. We're working on you. And I'd just be like I telledge it a little bit, like this is a cool thing. I oh, I just

got my show picked up. And she would just be like, okay, so what what are we really talking about today? I'm like, good christ. She never cared, but she would always talk about celebrities in front of me, but she would always act like she didn't care about me, not that I and this was a sick thing to want to even you know her, she was like my mommy being like

good job. I wanted that approval. But one of our last session, she asked me to write a blurb for her husband's book of Like because they wanted to um they wanted to appeal to a younger audience. And she was like, would you mind, I'm gonna go get it in the other room. She was like, I have my husband's book. I would love for you to read it and do it blur. You just read the first under pages.

Those are the only good ones anyway. And I just and she is walking and I was just a little bit like ah, and she goes, oh, wait, is that okay? And I, I don't know, I don't really feel comfortable. But then she goes, that was a test and she sat back down, and it was that's when I knew she was lying, and I go, we're done, dude, I remember you telling me that story. And then I was starting to going in therapy and she was clipping her

She's clipping her nails. That when I'm telling her about my dad, I'm like, oh, my diad, he worked too much and he didn't buy me the best car. Thumbnails strikes you in the pupil. Yeah, And she's literally like clipping her nails, going uh huh uh huh. And then I go to Nikki, I go, is that because your story? I was like, was that a test? And she's like, you gotta bring it up to her? And so I like, that's really brave that you did. I did bring it

up to her. You know. She was also you know at that point, she was clipping her toe nails and I was like, you're tough. No, but I was just like, was that a test? And she's like no, Like what like I was the weird one. Yeah, Well, you know what. The therapists are weird too. Um. So what other things they say? Oh? Um, they said, don't go to them. They said, if you've only had a few sessions, you

can write an email or text. For longer term relationships, it can be helpful or cathartic to let them know in person. I let one known person and she started crying. I mean, and I was like, you don't think this is hard for me? And I was like, I just can't see you anyway. I want to try a different kind of therapy. And she was just like, I feel like you're not even acknowledging that I've had like I've got.

She was a feelings therapist e f T. Emotionally focused, so she would mirror feelings to me so I could see what it feels like. So she would hear my stories and just go like this. She would look at me, I'm looking at the camera. So I would talk and she'd go she would like, look as sad as I should feel about the thing that happened to me, because I'm kind of like you know, and it was a good thing. Was Dr Drew recommended I find one, but that was a weird day where she was like you know,

and and it wasn't like there wasn't animosity. But the therapist I see now and I go back and forth on I told her about all this trauma I had with quitting therapists in the past, and she said, I promise you, when you're ready to leave me, I will not take it personally. You can just tell me I will always be an open door for you to come back to. And because of that, I've gone back to her.

I've taken breaks, I've tried other therapists because it wasn't just working for me, and she's never taken it personally. She's always been there to just she will say hi every now and again to be like something reminded me of you, and it's just such a yes, I think

that I'm sorry. And that's just such good advice for people who are on the fence about starting therapy because of the commitment and you know, like how to get out of it if if you don't like it, or talk about that on the first day, just say I need a plan for how to get out of this, or because if they were going to deal with it, if they do say on the first day, I need

three sessions for you to say goodbye. You can say goodbye then, because you've only gone the first session is not one you can ghost after that one session in terms of ghosting, in terms of emailing or like, you don't have to go back and tell them. So the first session should be just a trial thing anyway, you don't owe them anything. And that's a great way. That's

such a good point. A great way to start is to just say I'm worried about when I might need to end this because of financial reasons or I want to try different therapy, that what what is the protocol there for you? And then if you get an answer that is loving and like not filled with blame or guilt, you'll know whether or not that's a person to stay with. I think like it's funny because with your therapist, you

had one that wouldn't give you any feelings. Yeah, she would go check in with your body, where are you feeling this in your body right now? And I would just make up something because I didn't feel anything. I'm like that would be it. She'd be like, I want to take it two minutes to just feel your body and in silence, and I'd be like, I can hear money like falling like it was like like I just heard like a coin dispenser. Um, okay Andred, what's the

next news? Um? Oh? This is interesting because like I feel like people aren't talking about this but ghistling Lane. I guess that's why people aren't talking about They can't pronounce her name. What's going on? Maxwell's trial begins today. The accused long term madam of the pedophile financier Jeffrey Epstein is ready to take the standard defense today, and

she's alive for it now. A lot of people said that when she was going to start naming names, which who knows if she's going to that, we wouldn't she wouldn't survive, that there would be a suicide. I wonder what I mean. The thing is the things she knows, the people she knows about Hollywood would crumble. You are a fan of so many pedophiles and you just don't know you guys. But then they're gonna say, well, she's a pedophile, she's just you know, then excuse of so.

Maxwell faces six counts for allegedly recruiting, grooming, and abusing four minor girls with Epstein at multiple locations. Her crimes include engaging in group sexual encounter with an underage victim. So but infall convicted, she gets seventy years in prison. What they're going to try to do, apparently is that apparently, um, they're going to try to say that she was a victim herself to Epstein. You know that might be, but then that's gonna kind of discredit everyone that people is

a victim. Everyone that molests has something in their fucking past that happened to them, or their brain was just born in a way that wasn't their fault, like there is, there's no just because someone who was a victim doesn't mean they get to have an excuse for whathe It's not an excuse. It is a reason for it, but it ain't no excuse. Was probably a victim. Honestly, Jeffrey Epstein probably had some fucked up ship happened to him

as a child. And if you if you witnessed a little boy and you witnessed what happened to him, you would want to fucking murder whoever did that to him and protect a little hitler even I mean, like I'm sorry to say this, but every monster, if you put them a a little boy and or a little it's mostly men that are doing these agreed things, and you see what happened to them to make them do this thing. Like there's this horse. Did you see that? Oh my god, it was so good. You guys gotta watch the horse.

It's probably on Hulu, but it's the Turpin girls. There's this family of fifteen children that these two this couple had and they had them chained up, they abused them, they starved them. It was terrible. But one of the girls got out in two things in eighteen and free the rest of her family by like taking a chance

and getting out. It was wild. But then they uncover the parents in the situation and apparently the mom was like sexually abused and it was like, oh, well, that makes sense why she did that, And I'm like, yeah, but probably her the person that's actually abused. Here, her was actually abused, Like we can keep going. It's it doesn't make it right, it doesn't excuse it, but it is a reason for why it happened, so she should

still be punished even if she's a victim. I guess you could say they're like out of those fifteen people, like you know, it depends on like what you do with that, I guess, But then I don't know. It's all like nature birth nature. But then it's like, so Hitler got a lot of wedges, So did another kid get a bunch of wedges? The brain that made that like and they didn't. They might have, you know, but how do you feel about a woman? Like like, I

don't know. It's like free Will by Sam Harris. If you're really hating what I'm saying right now, but it's like, uh made off right? His wife she didn't know. Like a lot of these wives, I feel like they know everything. They're getting new cars, they're getting they're they're getting every the fruit to the labor. They're getting all of it,

but from slave labor. Like we also support things that we know shady things are happening at Amazon or these companies that our phones, yeah, our phones like you know the little Yeah, our phones are being our clothings made by people in sweatshops that are getting paid. But my point though, it was like I guess, I human, you know writes issues. We all are. It's just how close are you doing well? I don't have a choice. I can't do anything about the factory workers providing my Cesara

clothing well, you can stop shopping at Zara. But I but it's so cheap and I don't have enough money, Like, well, that's capitalism, Well it is maxwell getting a benefit because she's a woman. Do you think if she was a man that did in the I mean, if they turned it into her being a victim, yes, because all the victims in that scenario are women, so she kind of

it makes sense that she's there. Their strategy is she wants to take the stand, which is highly unusual when you're the defendant in a case like this, But she wants to like play on the jury's heartstrings. But she's so manipulative. She's a sociopath. Like, this woman is done crazy things. She's a great she's good at what she does. She's not even that attractive, and she got this guy to like worship her like no offense. She has a

haircut like a boy. She's she is, she does no she's a hot lady, but she's and I don't mean to say she's not attracted. She is. But like for her to wield as much power as she did within that world, and she she is definitely she comes from a ship ton of money. Her dad got killed in a mysterious ways. I'll probably be put to death for the things I've said on this podcast. Um, okay, let's take a short break and then we'll come back with why do I care? What do I care? Why do

I care? Big news here. I think you're gonna lose your ship, Linda Lohano, I want to lose it. I like, get there. Oh, Lindsay Lowens, Mary got engaged a batter Shamas guy's hot. Good for her. You want to know cool thing about this guy, banker, banker? How many guess how many followers he has? But yeah, same, yeah, yeah, these guys don't need followers they have Yeah, thought about that. Um, good for her. I'm happy for her. Um, she looks great by the way I went on her Instagram, Like

she looks healthy. Like, yeah, I'm happy. I've always liked Lindsay Lohan. Um always Yeah, it's it's someone who had a whole thing about it on Instagram that paras Hilton's married, Lindsay Lohan's engage, Brittany's engaged. Like all those that the kind of the the pussy posse of the women uh back in the two thousands have all like settled down and are like it's cute. I'm happy for and um and I look forward to seeing her on like act again because she was great. I love the parent trap.

I thought she was amazing in that she posted uh the announcement on Instagram. Yeah, uh my love, my life, my family, my future. You know what I gotta say? Can I say? No? I do? You know? I'm so for it, obsessed with um, I gotta I gotta like. In terms of celebrity couples, first of all, let me just ask you a question. Is it is it? Mg K? Because we didn't even talk about you meeting him in person?

Let's save that for tomorrow's episode. Okay, we don't have, sorry but we got but so many besties wrote to me about it. Thank you for your well wishes and meeting my celebrity crush. But it did happen or again I met him again. Um. What I wanted to say was no, but it was gonna say something before Ryan Reynolds andrew a scale of one to ten. How attractive do you rate him? He's a very I've seen him in person. Okay, he's a ten man. Okay, So there's

a TikTok that this girl, this lesbian woman. I think she's lesbian. Maybe she's a non binary, but she says, um, I have a theory that you can determine whether a man is gay or straight by how they rate Ryan Reynolds on a scaled one to ten. Straight men will always rate Ryan Reynolds eight or above. Gay men will

always rate eight or below. And so someone ran her like her ran that through a survey they did of gay men and straight men, and it checks out because of gay men rate him an average of like seven, or like six point five to eight point five and or eight, and then all straight men rate him in average of nine. And I did it on the guy I'm seeing last night or the other night too. I mean,

he's a He's a fucking ten in my book. I've seen this guy in person, I've seen him work out like I literally want Ryan Reynolds, I think is the most attractive. I was a dog walker in your building and I would watch Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively work. I worked out in the gym. I was because the owner gave me a card and people were like, why

is the dog walker in the gym? But I would go there every day and they would always like, give me weird looks because I'm still like I look okay anyhow, But yeah, here is the post that made me like, I think that Ryan Reynolds might be one of the funniest people ever, funniest men. He's not only good looking, but first of all, I've met him before. To um. I did a press junket for the Crudes. Remember that stupid animated movie Crudes. It's like Caveman. Anyway, I was

on Nicki and Sarah Live. It was an MTV. We were doing this segment called small Talk with Celebrities where Sarah and I would get a chance to meet huge celebrities and then just have but now, like it's called out today, just like in these press junkets, instead of being like, so, what was it like to work with Elizabeth Berkeley? What Berkeley? What do I say? What was it like to work with Elizabeth Shoe? Yeah, And we would just go, oh, I like your sweater, like that's

a cool shirt. Like we would just have small talk and it was like this. It was funny because there was this heightened thing. So we did it for Crudes and we had to like, we had to get into these press junkets and lie to publicists about what we were doing there, and then we had to be Then we once we got in the chair, then we had to set up the bit because they wouldn't let us in if we were doing a bit, So we had

a lot of publicists get in the chair. Then we were in the chair, we had to go, hey, um uh, what's her name? Who? Uh? Who's the girl that talks like this? Who said to Marian are you a hundred? Emma Stone? Emma Stone was also in Crudes. It was Emma Stone and Ryan Reynolds. We sit down and go, guys, we're doing this segment. We have a comedy show. We're doing small talk and Emma Stone wasn't that into it.

It was a long day, but Ryan Reynolds was just like yeah, it's like they said I was gonna be cloudy, but it's like not Like he was so intovid. And then we left. We were at the end of the day. We left. We get ourself out of the green room and we're in the elevator and he's in the elevator with us and continues the small talk and it's so funny and funny. How does it feel to be a Yeah? I mean he probably did. We were like blacked out, how because it was just such an exciting moment to

have Ryan Reynolds like be goofing around with us. But um so E News compiled all of his tweets in this Instagram post that I'm obsessed with, and it says, um it says, happy birthday to my baby girl. Sad I lost my virginity, but thankful I have a daughter. Hilarious joke. Then it there's another one. I'd walk through fire for my daughter. Well, not fire because it's dangerous, but a super humid room, but not too humid because my hair. Hilarious. Then another one went to Disneyland because

my daughter obsessed. My daughter is obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her, Um, this is another one. Uh that one. This one isn't great, but I'll still read it. People in l a are definitely afraid of gluten. I swear to God, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel. Not bad. Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth, not including those wonderful years I spent without

a child. Of course, then uh, nothing better than spending an entire morning staring into my baby daughter's eyes whispering, I can't do this. I mean so funny. And then Blake Lively is also funny. Let me just read one thing that I was like, Oh God, she's funny too, God damn it. And she's really good friends with Taylor supposed to them made me happy. She had a post of Ryan Reynolds voting in the election and she's standing

there there. We both voted. Uh, this is October. It was Ryan's first time he was under because he's Canadian. He was understandably scared. It all happened so fast, like really fast. He wept, I pretended to weep. Then he called all of his friend I just those are a couple of goals, those two. I love them so much. And uh, I'm not. So let's get into top one, bottom one. What's the subject to day? Noah, Today, the

subject is sex toys. All right, let's get into it. Um. We went to with the Hustler store last week in l A. Andrew, you picked up some new sex toys that were recommended not only by me, but by the woman that helped us and followed us around and was kind of creepy. Um. And was trying to funk both you in the meal. She did whip a meal a few times. Yeah, and she was like, it's only the pressure I could use. Yeah, I did drumming up business

back there. Um, now you want to start for us with top top or we're sorry we start with bottom. We always end on um. The bottom. One I would have to say is the vibrating cockering. It doesn't really uh do anything for anyone, really, It doesn't vibrate hard enough for either person anything for anyone. That really made me laugh. It doesn't really do anything for anyone. That makes it sound like there's fifteen people in the room all trying it. Uh. The whole team didn't like it

over at Colin bedroom. But yeah, you just go back and listen to him say anything and then add for anyone, it's so funny. It just doesn't. It just doesn't. It's very frustrating, I'm sure for the girl when the vibrating the vibrations just aren't strong enough. What are we dying? Yeah? But yeah, I mean it was funny. Was this girl bought it for me? Uh to say that it was for my for me to come better, And I was like, um, just kind of feels like it's more about a youth thing.

It's like, do you want me to just bring in my friend save because that's for me? Somehow she just wanted to ring. Any ring will do. Um. I think I really do feel like cock rings. I haven't incorporated them into the bedroom. My dad passed it down. I've never used a cock ring. I actually asked that woman at Hustler, like, what's why do people need like and it's for men to keep their erections more because it

cuts off. The cock rings are for that, and then when they vibrate, it's just okay, why not add something to it for the guy? It's like cock rings for her pleasure kind of Um. I always wondered about cock rings. Do they go on the shaft or behind the balls? Like? Do they They can go? There are parts though that that can secure the balls. So there's ones with like multiple chambers that can do more of a cage thing.

And then there's all this cock and ball torch or two is if bds something that guys like where they're they're like balls and their shaft and everything are in like a wire cage. And it's almost like that's for like domination of like you're not allowed to get out of this cage unless I say you can kind of thing um, which which obviously getting over the border of this puss, But for you, I was thinking, you don't need help staying hard coming, Yeah, we need a coming

ring um. Okay, No, what is your uh favorite sex toy or at least favorite at least favorite bottom Um is a battery power dildo that I had batteries. So the thing that I hated about it was not just the batteries, but like at the tip it had this clasp that would snap on and off. So I can't tell you how many times I was like almost at the point of coming when I squeezed the bottom too hard and the cap fell off and the batteries fell out.

Then you just put a battery on your vagina to get that little jewel like you're sitting on your tongue or you the rabid thing, Oh my god, dying sex toy the height of because sometimes I use the wand which I'll get to in a second, and it has so many buttons that I squeeze the wrong one and I'll be at the like precipice of a orgasm and it'll just goin and like shut off and then I just like toggle it to get it back. Some of these toys have so the buttons are so confusing. Um

my least favorite one I have with me. I bought it last week. Oh yeah, the button. Sometimes you gotta press the bottom one to turn it on. So this is I don't know what it's called. I forget the name of it, but I spent a hundred and eighty dollars on it. Maybe Yeah, it's a clip sucker thing. But it has like a little tongue in the The reason I bought it, I want to show you it has a little tongue. So it has it has three things.

This part vibrates the end. It looks like a pestal, like a you know that you would like grind grind spices. Thank you So that I turned that on. That just vibrates itself. And it's kind of dull. It's not that good. Um, I guess you could make it. Okay, do different settings. I'm gonna turn that part off. Then there is a little tongue thing inside that will vibrate. It doesn't go like this, It just vibrates like a normal vibrator. Yeah, And then there is the suction. I'm gonna turn off

the tongue part, and then there's a section. And this is why I bought this thing, hold on because it sucks so anyway it was supposed to suck so much. This thing it's too large. I don't like the large area. I need more concentrated. I thought I wanted more of a large area because my click can go inside my body so much that I have to like move it around when it's a smaller one. But I do need

that concentrated um thing. So the one that I use now that I just want to share that is not the best, but it's just an alternative to this one. Is this one. I don't even know what the brand is for this. Oh it's Satisfire and it's just a purple one. The whole is a lot smaller and that you can just put and it's just suction and it has like settings for suction. So I would recommend not not especially this one. I wish the section was better

on this one, but I like a smaller hole. So if you are going to get one of these, I would not recommend the bigger one. I would recommend the smaller one. Um let's get to your best one, Andrew. I mean, if you're not going to use the red one, I will um. I mean I could give it to you. I would be happy to act a little too wide for both of us try to get it to work. But yeah, no, kid, oh yeah, I honestly think sometimes I thought like my lips were getting caught in it.

It was like clearly like I thought I was gonna have to pull it out like a room bus, sucking up like a ribbon, like where it's wound up all over the gears. It's yes, I My favorite one is very similar to that is the Womanizer, because it's the one that works the best for my girlfriend. What's so funny, though, is I bought I forget the name of the womanizer in the satisfier and all the suction suction. But this suction thing when you're using it and having said it

will start making this noise. It don't go and it sounds like it's like it's my pushy like that's what it's like, yelling at me, look from my pushy boy. And then if it gets wet, it'll go look like it'll make up. We're so funny. I start cracking up because I feel like it's going. Okay, my p's so funny, dude. Um, but it kind of it sounds like it's like a guy yelling underwater for to stay off his lawn. Maybe I need to get that one. It sounds good. Um okay,

no h um what uh? What is your best one? Okay, so obviously my best one is the Womanizer, So I wanted to pick something different. Um it is. It is the Womanizer for you though, Yeah, that I think, in like all of history, that's my favorite one. It's so wild that it's fairly new technology in terms of for sex toys. I'm so glad that when you gifted it

to me, so thank you. Um. So, I was dating a guy who who was a prop master or whatever on TV shows and he had this um vinyl tape for TV that you know, you could just peel off, but it would stick on. So like this like very sexy like vinyl, like not dust in my room. It's it. It's good. It holds you down, but it doesn't like get you around the eyes and stuff. You can set your head. It's not going to trap your hair in it. It's like very it sticks to itself. It doesn't stick

to your hair. Yes, and you can rip it with a lot of strength, but it's still really binding. Yes, like you could definitely. I love that is your screen. No, it's black black. It looks like black latex. Yes, it's so hot. Um, okay, so I have to for the my top strong enough. This is the wand it has a bunch of loube on it. It's this isn't calm. This is just like dried loob um. And this is the one that I think that's what they break Roads within New York is the best. It's seriously, it's crazy

how powerful it is. But this is what I put on my clip when I'm having sex. And this is also what I put just like over the comforter when I'm like about to masturbate and before I use the Womanizer because it's a dollar sensation. But I don't use the Womanizer so much drink sex because it falls out of place and doesn't like stay. It's hard to hold on this one. You can just kind of like be in that region, but it feels it takes penis and vagina to the next level. It is not something that

you can do. I need a penis in my vagina still so guys don't be intimidated. But it just makes it better. And every guy, everyone should have one of these. It plugs into the wall. It will never die on you. It is the tried and true. If I had to take one to a desert island, it would be this. Now. Well, you can also use it as a club. This is one. This one is the best for insertion. Okay, this one, this is the one that sounds like call your mom.

Read more read more. It's like the energizer bunny. I don't like this little thing at the bottom of it, the rabbit, because it does my clip is not that far up. Minds more down here. Girls don't look like that. Wait what No, just like my dick looks like death. But it goes and if you listen to it long enough, it will start saying things you need to hear, like read more read more read more, Call your mom, Call your mom. I'm not Dona, Brianna, but this thing. You

hold it in place. But I think it's best and I've said this before, to put it in you and then plug it with your heel so that you don't you feel like something is fucking you when it's not. So this is great for single ladies. It has a threw us to it. But the best one ever is the um is. It's called like the flirt, and it is one that does not have an attachment like this. It is just one single uh shape and it's green

and it's thrusting. So if you look up the flirt, the thrusting flirt, that is the best sex toy to insert in you of all time, the best guaranteed orgasm, and that takes us out of top one bottom one. I think you need to give some kind of serious speech while using that with a jet you may not have gotten the mom you want in life. That doesn't mean that you can't find that in the front. UM. Let's talk about as we go into final thought, let's talk about a little bit more of this weekend. UM. Yeah,

it was so much fun. I am now I feel a little bit of like postpartum depression came on last night really strong. UM. I did not have the same guilt that I usually have after UM, Like I do things and I go, oh my god, I forgot that. There were a couple of things I forgot, which UM for me, I've really worked with regret in UM things that I do because I always after something, I go, why did I say that? Or why didn't I say that?

And I just I can't find the clip. I looked for the same hairsting, but I just let it go. I was like, you know what, you didn't say that joke for a reason, even though you think it would have made the special better. There was a reason that didn't come out of your mouth. And it either you know this joke I have where I'm like, I pretty much say, like, okay, I'm telling women not to have sex in their vaginas. And I know you like it,

but you don't get to do everything you like. Like I would really like to kick Marian sometimes, like sometimes my dog Marrian, I would love to fucking just her belly is so tight it's like a football, and it would just feel satisfying. Not because a mad at her. I just what it would just like be a the thump, The way it would feel against my toe is just I know that sounds horrifying, and and I go, I forgot to do that part. It really has been working lately.

I think it makes a good point that just because you like something isn't reason enough to do it. That's also what I used for like vegans when they like I love cheese. I'm like, early, okay, well that does It's not an excuse to to keep doing it because you like something. I would like to murder someone, but

I don't do it because it's wrong. Um, but I forgot to do that joke and among others, and I just was like, you know what, even though I think that joke would have made my special better, maybe it would have gotten me in trouble with Peter. Maybe someone would have heard that and decided to actually kick their dog. Maybe someone who doesn't know him being sarcastic or ironic or whatever could walk into the room and someone's watching that special and go, that would be fun to kick

a dog and then like maybe a child. So maybe I prevented animals from not being injured by not doing that joke. Like I I thought of, I go, why didn't I do it? And it's like, okay, because maybe something you know, why did I miss that flight? Oh I'm so mad I miss the flight. Maybe you would have been in a car accident had you gotten to the airport earlier. And you know someone you don't know what you dodged by being late for that fight. So I had a lot of those things to get me

past the regret. But then I don't know, I just went down a shame spiral on on Instagram last night. I was like, I got home. My fucking apartment is a goddamn mess. I hadn't even unpacked from two weeks ago traveling, and because last week was just all about my special and I was home just working on it,

and I just got almost so depressed. And then I saw like, uh, something on Instagram that I compared myself too, and then I just went into this comparison and desparison, uh wormhole of just like I, why can't I be more like this this comic, I'm such a failure. He's so much funnier than I am, Like, uh, he's able to be clean, he's selling out all these shows, Like why can't I be? I'm not I'm a fraud. And then I started going I went insane, and then um,

I was feeling so sad. I was just like waiting for ten o'clock to come around, because I was like, when it's ten o'clock, I can go asleep and not feel bad about it. I cleaned my room, I put away things, I organized but I was just I couldn't shake the sadness. And then I reached out to some friends who like talked me off the ledge a little bit, and um, and I was just like, why can't you know I sometimes get mad at you, not mad at you, but it seems like I'm getting mad at you because

I am projecting that. I'm so why can't I post my stand up? Like why? I have literally done this is my sixth comedy special. Uh and I've done you know, five Tonight Show appearances, four you know, one stand up on Conan, one on stuff. I have so much TV great footage of me doing stand up at my elite level, Yet I don't. I can't post a single fucking clip

from any of it on my Instagram. And but I can, but I can gladly post me playing guitar, which is I'm terrible at TikTok and don't ever even look at it, don't even have a password to it. It's it's it goes deeper than that. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's not about me seeing the comments. It's about if I draw attention to it. It was like the same day that that that old age app came out where women were where people put their faces in that old age app and it made you look old, and then

you could see the future. You would see the truth of what was going to happen to your face because it was really good. I wanted to be silent on Instagram that day because I didn't want to remind anyone that I existed, so that they wouldn't see me as old or put me in that app or like, I didn't want someone to run my face through it to show me. And I feel like when I post my stand up it reminds people to look closer at it and see that it's not as good as you feel

old because it's from the past. No no, no, no no. That that doesn't bother me at all. It makes me, if anything, I wish it were older so that it could be like, I'm so much better than this now. Um. I just think it has something to do with like an imposter and type of thing. I just feel like if I saw my and I'm not I'm wrong, by the way, because I know I'm talented. I think my fans are smart who like me. I know that that there are jokes I do that I'm very proud of.

But I do have this sense that if I came across my stand up, as if I was watched my stand up, I would be like, she's not as good as people think she is, and she's really tricking a lot of people. And I because I know, I think that way about a lot of comedians that everyone loves, and I secretly know they suck and they're not that good.

And there's Charlatan's and they're performing magic tricks, which in and of itself is an impressive thing to like be able to fake like you're good and convince people you're good when you're not. I do think that I unintentionally do that, and I'm scared that. I'm not scared about

the general public thinking I suck. I'm scared about that one person that's like that, that thinks the same way I do, but I don't, And so I am going to start my The guy I'm seeing was like, I think you have like a It's a similar thing to like a lot of athletes go to psychologists like Louis.

He was talking about Louis Hamilton's the f one Racer, and he was like, he has a team of psychologists to help him perform as good as he can in his sport by getting him past those hurdles of like self defeat and self doubt so that he can be perfect out there and clear minded. And he was like, maybe you should look into seeing a sports psychologist. And I remember that Neil Brennan had sent me this book

called like The Fifteen Seconds, the Ten Seconds something. I don't even know what it was, but it was about It was mainly athletes and what they do to prepare for a game, you run through what could happen in real time in your brain and for something. I don't know what the method was, but I just remember reading it being like, I'm not an athlete, though, this can't fucking help me. And then it was like, wait, it's

the same in a lot of ways. And so I looked up sports psychologists and so if anyone out there knows a good sports psychologist, will you DM me and recommend them to me, because I'm looking for one to get past this. If you look at my Instagram, you will not see one stand up clip. And that is what I do. That's my thing I'm Maine known for. And it's not because I don't have them. I I literally paid three thousand dollars a month for a company to make me stand up clips that I'm sitting on.

I know, but the sports psychologist thing, you perform, fine, You're fine. No, it's not performance. I know, that's what I'm saying, But I don't feel like so many like athletes are afraid of like putting up like a good game, even if they like hit a home run. But it's like not self doubt. Stop. I mean it all is

a route of self doubt. And guess what me posting clips is performance is a part of it, Like I I cannot do it for some reason and it just doesn't make sense, Like it really dawned on me the other day, like this is what I'm known for it yet I can't ever and when I ever promote stand up, it's always like I'm coming to this town, here's a picture of me doing it. Don't And that's why I like stand up? Do you know why? Because you do it and then it lives. It's just in that moment.

No one recorded it, no one can assess it, no one can go back. It's almost like if there's not a record of it. And that's why I honestly hate stand up being taped because it's it's something that's supposed to be in the moment, and I don't want people to be able to go back because when I go back and listen to my sets, they're always worse than the moment I lived them. I might go like, oh

my god, I fucking killed in that moment. That was such a great, flowing moment on stage, and then I go back and listen to it and I'm like, oh my fucking god, that was terrible. Like stand up even though you work harder at it whatever, Like it's like a podcast. But my point why I do four podcasts? This brings us back? No, I know, I know, but listen, Like in sports, people that are great will go, dude,

how do you feel about doing them? Like there's four majors in golf, right and people are like the best players are like, how do you deal with the Major? Verse this? They're all the same tournament. The Major is no different, just different. And I do treat it that way, like, yeah, I prepare a little bit more, but like I I have, I do treat it all the same. Like I don't put after the fact, I'm saying, you don't put up a clip but you'll put up a clip of f

boy of doing like some one line thing. Because there's a book. There's a great book that I recommend. It's called a Champions Mind and it and it's a book that um gets the perspective of all these like Olympic athletes. Um. So you know you're doing like you're an athlete, like a top rated athlete, like your game is on point. But there's also besides the physical training, there's also mental training. And you know, for the level that you are a professional,

you have to have that level of mental training. And I think what you're onto is really really good studying with like a sports psychologist. Um, yeah, like a sports psychologist is going to be It was an interesting Yeah, I just gotta check with them. How I get out of seeing that event? Yes, um, all right, Well we want in an accident playing that sport whatever, that is

a ski accident, you hit a tree? Oh yeah, God, trying to catch a football, Sonny Bono, we're helmet skiing, where a helmet football has changed a lot of things in this Oh my god. This week we are going to talk about so much more. We're going to talk about mg K. We're going to talk about Andrew playing football over Thanksgiving, we're going to talk about um, well, we have so much Brenna, and Andrew looking for an apartment. We're going to get into all of it this week.

Very exciting to be back. Thank you for being understanding of last week. I hope you had a good holiday. I can't wait to hear your fans reax this week and we'll see tomorrow. Don't be care and Jack be nimble. Jack be quick,