#116 The Part That Is The Thing

UM My parents came over, Kirsten was here. We went on Instagram live. Maybe some of you saw that. If you missed it, it's because you don't follow Nicki Glazer pod on Instagram. We had a good freaking time on there. It's been a while since we've done a live on there, but we gotta bring him back. I've just been so bzzy that it's um I haven't thought to do it, but I love going live on there. It's just it's so much. I don't even go live on my own ever. I don't think. I just love giving it right to

the besties. How are you all doing out? There. Noah, how are you today? I'm good? Wait? Why did you swit your eyes like that? Was I? Did I seem not well yesterday? No? It did make it sound like I was like concerned about you and like it was like based on some kind of information. What kind of vibes am I putting it out? Asked you yesterday? How

are you? How have you We've been so like, just get in here, record no kind of pleasantries, boom boom done go, Like there's been no um interaction because I've just been running around. How have you been lately? Um? You know, I was trying to I was thinking about it yesterday. I've just been feeling very unmotivated and Obvio asked me, He's like, are you depressed? And I'm like, no, I'm I'm depressed. I'm not suppressed. And then I've just kind of like had that in my mind, like am

I depressed over something? And like I'm trying to figure out why I just don't feel motivated? You know, what is there something on your mind that you're like, oh, I get that done? Is this the thing that you would have spent a hundred thousand dollars on yesterday? Like? How stuff? Maybe that's adding to my depression because of like a big burden. But um, I just don't feel motivated to do anything extra, like even with jiu jitsu, I'm not like in it like I was two years ago.

I don't feel like going and exploring Tucson, you know, like I don't. I'm not doing this the things that I enjoyed before. I don't know what I like. Uh, you know the symptoms of depression on a zolof to dad, are you enjoying things you once enjoyed? Are your family members asking if you're depressed? No, it's I mean whenever I kind of feel depressed, Like there's always symptoms where you go, why do I feel fat today? And like it's why do I Why am I comparing myself more?

Why am I getting in? Why why am I not curious? I feel like that is a sign of it, of like not being curious about the world. And I think that's a symptom of depression, Like, um, like you're not wanting to explore Tucson or just are you just tired? Yeah,

I feel so like burnt out. I think same, yeah, and fe guilty over seas and then the guilt doesn't help anything because more sad and yeah, I mean the guilt is like, uh, I think that's a definite like like that the guilt causes so much of the feeling that we're feeling guilty about. It's just such a self fulfilling thing, you know, Yes, like never have I felt

guilty and felt better for feeling guilty, you know. Like I think it's we feel guilty so we can feel like we were acknowledging that we're what we're doing is wrong, so that it lifts some of the burden of being wrong, because if you're just in denial of it, that's not good. But it's like it's less about feeling like guilty. Whenever people feel guilty, I'm just like, I mean, what what does that give you? It just gives you. It just

adds to it. It never solved anything, And I know that's just easier said of like anxiety has never made someone like worrying about something doesn't solve it. Sometimes it does because you like think about it a lot and then you figure it out, I guess. But the guilt is is like you have the guilt of like I'm being lazy. I mean, I feel like that's what everything comes back to is like, especially for Americans, I think

we're just so scared of feeling lazy. It's because what what what do you have guilt over of not exploring Tucson like or whatever. It is. So for me, it's like feeling guilty over the possibility of being depressed. Like, m I I have it really really good right now in my life that I should not like feel depress you know, I just deserve to feel depressed because I

don't deserve it. Yeah, I write that a lot, but it's almost like, you know, depressions like a cold, like you caught your it's not your fault, and it's like in your brain and it's and yeah, there are things

you could be doing to get out of it. Oh, go for a walk outside, meditate, call a friend, like there's all these like things you could do, but sometimes those things are too difficult to do, and a symptom of the sickness that you have or like the little about your going through is not being able to do those things, you know, Like it's it's like asking someone who has a cold just breathe clearly through your nose.

That's the same as telling a depressed person just go for a walk outside or you know, and I think just with mental illness things, it just seems like so like, well, you have legs at work and there is outside and it's not raining, just do that and it's just or take a shower, or get out of bed and make your bed. Like those things are just as difficult as like, you know, telling someone who has a broken leg just walk on it. But but it's it's it's nearly impossible.

So it's like I would say, forgive yourself. I would say that I think you should be allowed to say that you're depressed even though your life is good, but on paper, um, because I don't know, you know what, I think a lot. And I hate I hate saying it's PMS for me um sometimes because that takes that kind of makes men not be able to have that excuse, or it makes it feels like you're just giving an excuse.

And then when you feel depressed and you're not I'm about to start your period, you're like, well then it's just me being wrong. But like anything that is you, you can't you don't want to be depressed, like if you could like check a box and like tomorrow it's like wake up depressed or not, you would like check the box that said not depressed. Like no one wants to be depressed. I mean some people do, maybe because

sometimes they get depressed. And I do want to stay depressed because I feel like it's my depression makes me feel like I'm seeing things the way they are because it's often a very negative outlook. The world is ending, you know, climate change, what's the point We're all gonna die? Nothing matters, Like I feel like, oh my god, I see things like so clearly, and I don't want to be happy and delusional and walk around like nothing's wrong when everything is wrong, Like I don't want to be

one of the sheep. So sometimes I fight it because it just feels right. But um but I don't think anyone wants to feel depressed. So that's it's. It's just so hard when things aren't a physical like manifestation of whatever it is, and when you're just like I can't I can't track the source of it because you even said, you go, what's going on in my life right now

that's making me depressed? And sometimes it is nothing. Sometimes it's just a hormone change that is like at a molecular level, and you don't have anything, you don't have any say over it, or you wouldn't be able to see it or point at it. But I definitely feel that way about um. Yeah, lately, I've just felt what was I doing last night? That was just some I've

just felt I did the same fucking thing last night. No, I was such a I was kind of a brat to my parents, which is just you know, their cameras filming me, and after my parents leave, like the people with the cameras are like, that was great. I mean, you didn't even need to say anything. We can see

it on your face how annoyed you were. And I was just like, I'm gonna come off like such a twat in some of these things because my and I've always felt that way, like when I get like Braddy with my parents my friends who are like on paper, your parents are great, they're so cool, they're so nice, they're fun, But to me, they don't see the little

things like they're my parents, so they're super annoying. And last night Kirsten was like, no, you know, if people end up seeing this thing and they judge you for being a brat to your parents, they'll understand that everyone's like your own parents make you crazy, no matter how good they are. But the thing is, I don't agree

with that. Like, even though we all know that, we still think, well, if I had her parents, I wouldn't be like that, because I you know, when we're talking about it yesterday, my friend Sarah Lena the girl like I. Even though I know that her life, she still has insecurities. I've heard them. I still secretly think if I were her, I wouldn't have those if I had Nikki's parents. Yeah, I'm I'm addict to my parents, but and I know

that everyone is it has triggers with their parents. I don't think people are kind of um empathetic enough to understand that. So I think I just come off looking like a bit. But I was asking my mom to tell me why, because they were we were all like freestyling a song about me moving back to St. Louis or whatever, which already feels self indulgent that we're all

talking about me. But that's kind of like the It's just it's uncomfortable to have this thing, these cameras around me, because all the conversation kind of has to be about me, and I'm already like worried I'm a narcissist and all these things, and now you know, I have people being like, hey, um, can you talk about the pressures of Hollywood as a

female comic? And I'm like, my parents don't want to hear about me shifting it to like so in l A, I really feel like it's just like I just have to steer the conversation back to myself all the time, and it just feels so self indulgent. I bet people that watched whatever might the cameras might be capturing might thank god, she is really full of herself. So last night we were singing about my return to St. Louis and I want to know what you think about this.

My mom kept going like, we're so glad to have you back, like we're just like She's just like, we love having Nikki back. And I just kept going why,

Like I just want to detail, like why. And I wasn't saying that to be like I don't trust that you do, because I know they do, but like why and she's like, because it's just great having you back, and I'm just like that's not an answer, and so I kept going why, and then it led to like when then we joked because it's because I bought her a car and that was funny, and then I just kept Then it got to be like I almost got offended, Like can you give me one answer that you like

having me around? Because what I the conclusion I came to was like they're like it's fun having you around. I'm like again, um, way, like in what like is that weird of me to want a specific I know that's crazy, but I just want to know, like why, Like last yesterday, my mom we went to go get botox, which is the whole other thing, but we went to go get botox and my mom got like filler, which I'm so proud of her. It was like so weird

and exciting. She's so cute when she got done. She's adorable, but and she's never had anything on her face before, you know, any work done, and you know, um, this was kind of she wouldn't have done this had we not been participating in whatever thing we're doing. And um, she looked at me yesterday we were like kind of close up waiting for, you know, something to be set up,

and she was like, what are on your teeth? And I go the attachments from her own visilin like these little like plastic dots and she goes, what what is that? And I go, that's my visilance. She goes, no, no, it's no, it's not and I go, yes it is, and she go I go, I have had these on my teeth for six years and she's like no, and I go, mom, yes, and she was I have never said, I go, you've never looked at me like I just don't and it's not like I just don't think and

and like okay. So like after we shot this, or like after these cameras where you're the people with the cameras came in and we're kind of like debriefing, like I said, and they're like, oh my god, that was so amazing you guys working out like your family issues and song blah blah blah. And I was like, isn't

it interesting? She could not. I mean, and I kept bringing we kept laughing, like she had no reason for why she liked having me home, and then I would literally go no, I'm serious, like why like give me one reason do you like me? She like couldn't come up with one, and I was like, an example might be you're funny um, she goes, why do you like

being with us? And I go because we like the same TV and you guys make me laugh at how you take it apart with me, because you um make really delicious food, because you guys are both hilarious, because you are both UM. And then I really couldn't come up with reasons because I'm like, we don't really I like talking like serious things with people. I don't like having like surface conversations. And I realized that like my parents just like surface kind of taking, so I don't

think we really know each other. So then I wanted to play a game where if Andrew or my parents know me better, and I think Andrew would win, and so um, I bought a game from Uncommon Goods, one of our sponsors, called the Best Friends Game, and just it's kind of those questions of like, who knows me better? And I guess it is very self serving to be like, let's do a game about me what you know? But there's some part of me. Do you ever feel like no one like your parents don't know you, or like

don't really care about the detail of your life? Oh my gosh, yes. If I had to ask my dad the same question. He would just respond with either you're good or like okay, Like that's as emotional as he can get. And that's why I don't understand when they want to hang out with me. I go, why if because you made me? That's not a good enough reason, Like because like at least they want to hang out with you. Yeah, they that's a good point, all right, Well at least I have that, But like it needs

to go beyond that. Like for I was even talking to Andrew about this other day. I don't I don't understand. You know, this was kind of going off of our conversation about having guests, say, and a lot of times guests are just family members that are coming through town, like ants or cousins. Wild wild opinion here. I don't think I should have to go hang out with answer cousins just because I'm related to them by blood. I

don't think that it should be required. I if I'm an adult woman, if I don't really have much in common with my aunt or uncle or my cousin, and I don't like care to like them, I don't just because there's some blood that we both share or like lineage or whatever. I unless I want to, I don't think I should have to. I'm tired of this like

familial like duty because like, well he's your uncle. Okay, so your mom had sex one more time and made another kid, and now I have to go to a lunch where I don't and then I hang out with these people and they don't ask anything about me. They have no interest in my life. They don't want to talk about anything real. It's like, what did we do this for? I could have listened to a podcast where

someone shared more. I could have listened, you know, like I could have taken a nap where I learned more about myself or about you, Like at least in a nap, I might have dreamt that we got we had an interesting conversation. This is fucking torture. I just don't understand why people want. I think people want to do things so that they can say they did them, and it's

not really about the experience. It's saying I went to lunch with my niece, I I am a good aunt, or I'm a good uncle, or I'm a good niece or nephew. And it's like that's not enough reason unless these were getting real enjoyment out of this, Like I like seeing my parents because I like they are funny and they're smart and interesting, and I like hearing their thoughts about shallow things because we're not getting too deep. And sometimes with my mom I get her alone and

we do to get deep. And I learned a lot yesterday. I learned that, Um, she always wanted kids. Didn't know that because I had never asked because I didn't want to know. I guess I never wanted to ask, why did you have kids? Um? She always wanted kids? And I asked, Noah, as I do with like you and Kirsten and people in my life who want kids and just know they want kids. I asked her why and she said, oh, because I kids are so cute. Okay.

My mom literally had the same reason that I made fun of in my special perfect about why women have babies because they want a baby because babies are baby? Like, who doesn't want a baby? It's a baby. And I'm like, do you know that someday that baby is gonna be some dude named Doug who's gonna need to like get health insurance And like be like, mom, what's your main and name? I forgot my past word to my like you get on nutflix, Mom, can you pay my bilt?

Like it's just gonna be a guy something? Do do they do? They think they're going to have a child that like never grows up, Like that's what people get dogs because they're like, I like puppies. It's like, so that that kind of disturbing that my mom just wanted kids because we're cute, because God only knows. And then she goes and I don't know where you got this idea that your sister was like beautiful. I never told you girls that you were beautiful. And I go, okay,

I mean that is true. But why she goes because I didn't want you to get a big head, And I go, I thought it was gonna because I didn't want you to like that, like think that that was something of value and to make yourselves feel like that was why you're special. But it's because she didn't want us to feel special. My mom is doing her best, and I love her so much, and I actually learned a lot about her yesterday that I didn't before. But

maybe someone relates to this. I really do love my mom, but it was interesting to hear that she only wanted kids because we're cute because God that phase only lasted a couple of years. For Old Glaze Dog, Let's get Andrew in here. Andrew, what up? And had you sleep last night? Bro? I said, good with baby Old Brennain next to me. Yeah, actually we woke up. We both woke up in the middle of night, and uh, she like, I was hard, and I really just thought you were

guys We're gonna eat some pizza in the dark. But okay, so you were hard in the middle of the night and she like, sorry, give me a hand job, but not like sexually. It was kind of like she was like sleep like it was like a sleep handy And then how did this even get started? Were you like, I'm hard, babe? No? I think was it non verbal like everything? Yeah, it was pretty much not. We were like zombies. And then I go should we have sex? And I'm trying to walk and I was like, I

was like, should we have sex? She goes, can we just skip that parting get get to get to sleep? Like like it was just funny, like she was like, can we just skip over that part? And you mean the part that is the thing that wait? What did she just want you to drink off? She meant no, no, no, no, just like nothing sexual. She just wanted to get back to bed, and I wanted to get back to bed, but I thought maybe sex sometimes when you have sex then it leads to falling asleep, and she's like, let's

just skip over that. Didn't you guys have sex earlier? Yeah? Yeah, why you heard it? No, I'm just guessing that you like jumped each other's bones when you first saw each other. Yeah, but then we had a little bit of ironment because the baseball game was on while we were having sex, and the game increasingly got better. Sex was great, but ninth inning one one walk off home run, so you were like not present at all if you were able to hear the score and the innings and the how

many people were on bases and stuff. Yeah, for a couple of thea for a couple of innings, I was in it, and then the game how many How long were you having sex? A long time? Really? Oh wow? All right, well that's fine. Yeah that's what I thought. But yeah, no, it's fine, we're fine. It was just funny. It's funny to compete because you know, she say, she like, are you playing attention? Like did you call you out

on that? Or were you just like She's like, I could feel you're not paying attention because where were you looking? Like what? Because I mean I really am reluctant to ask for more details, but no, I kind of want to understand, like, yeah, we were doing, um like this is where the problem I think lives. Did you go get your Yeah? I got, I put on my jersey and my I put on my stirrups and I called my dad and he didn't answer, but I dug up my grandpa and we went to the game together, just

like sha stadium back. So that's true. Yeah, okay, well we didn't dig him up, but we went to the Okay, yeah, I think that's probably I can you up? And he wasn't even dead yet. That's where you like to sleep, get away from. My gran was a hoarder. You want to go wake him up and dig him out of the trash, okay? So um yeah, so it was gonna We're gonna do doggy towards the wall. And then I was like, hey, why don't we no way? And I didn't no way? You go? Can we shift? Did you act?

This is the annoying part. If you acted like you wanted to do that just because of another reason other than the game. No, I said, I go, there's two outs in the bottom of an eighth or whatever. So I dredged it and we laughed about it. So I thought it was cool, but it was more like, okay, but you're not. Do you have sexed? Honestly, I can't believe you lasted a couple of innings? No way, what were you doing for that amount of time? We were everything.

You know, when you're not with someone for a while. Yeah, that's true. You break out all the stops right right, you know, Yeah, that makes sense, and you can last. Did you take a bague? I did take okay, and then and then you um, so you took one of those and then um, and you can last. Zolof makes it you can't finish, but it doesn't help you not last. It actually makes you last way longer. I'm yes, I become a human dildo because I can't orgasm and I can't not not get hard. So I'm just like I

might as well. Just my penis is dead. It's just rigor mortar. When do you when do you know when to stop? Then when the sun comes up? I mean, honestly, like I mean when Joe Buck says, all right, guys, great game tonight. Like what when the ten o'clock news finally starts? I guess when? When when I hear the rooster crow no I, which actually sounds like Joe Buck

a little bit. Uh No, I honestly no. I I do have orgasm and it's just harder for But but if you're not having one, when you know you're just you're just done. Hopefully she does and then I'm done, right, Okay, Yeah, it ends on her. Not I don't just go hey, no boys, hanging it up. I was like, I do everything I can to please her, and then when cheese please, and I feel like there's just no way old dead Penis is gonna walking dead head. Yeah, yeah, I just

I call it a day. I just hang up the cleats. Yeah. I've had cursed in here the past couple of nights. It's good, but I can't mask. There's no where to. I can't masturbate when you have someone sleeping in your bed with you. And I've been like wanting to, Like I've just been kind of depressed and wanting to do.

I don't smoke wheat anymore. I don't I've been eating a little bit more than I've wanted to because I'm just that's a way to like anesthetize my feelings a little bit, but like there's nothing I can do to just jove me to have a jolt of like feeling that might like disrupt the thing in my brain saying like you're not good enough, You're pale, you're spray tan is gross, You're keep picking at your skin like all the things that I'm just like last night, even my

dad was like, what is that like on my leg? And I was like, oh, pick up my skin because I'm having anxiety. And then she's like moved on like he wanted to like some answer that was gonna be like not disturbing, and I go, I just pick at it, and he was just like once, like I think my I honestly think it was like and that I think that honestly bummed me out. Like when other people see the things in me that are like like he doesn't know about my when people call it out, that know

that like that's why I'm out about it. So if you call it out, I'm like, oh, it's because I told you about it. But when someone who doesn't know about it is like, what the funk are you doing to yourself? I'm like, shit, I've got a problem. And I think that's why I kind of spiraled because I was thinking about it last time. I'm like, why am I in such a fucking bad mood after my parents left? And it was just like I was just so down for some reason. And I think it was because yesterday

was just a long It's been a long life. Honestly, it's been a long life. It really adds like I can't even you know, I haven't taken a break and I haven't had a day off and I don't I don't even know when I'm picking at it again. I just I don't even know. When people see the actual like physical like a physical thing that represents your whole life and you can't and they go, what is going

on there? And I mean that's pretty much like what's going on with your life and like and that can be like that's why you don't have or like to me, that's like why I don't have a boyfriend, not because of that thing, but because I'm crazy and like I can't stop picking up my leg Yeah, I mean I agree, I just like how much it hurts. I think it really hurt my feelings that my parents couldn't articulate why

they like having me around. No, But then after the song, I go no truly, and then my dad kind of took me aside, was like, we love you because you're funny and you're fun and he like kind of told me some things. But he had to like go in the next room and like think about it and like spending I had to give him extra time, like on the S A T S to come up with why he likes his daughter. Well, you did give him multiple choice, yeah, I mean, and I think he chose D not in

the above. But I know, but I think, like I think, like sometimes it's hard, like if you if I have trouble articulating why I love someone or like trouble articulating the But I think maybe your mom might be kind of similar though, you know, it's like it's not always easy to like pinpoint, you know, I'm sure they could come up with specific stories where the thing is, I just don't think that they actually like me, and that might be the case, Like I don't think they I

think that they probably talk massive shit about me behind my back. What do you think they're saying and why do you think I think famous? I think they like me. They tolerate me because I'm like that. They're like they love me off asleep because that their I'm their daughter, and they want to protect me and make sure they let me live at home because they love me and they want me to be safe. But it's less about like we like who you are and more about like your and I know they do like who I am.

My dad is like because you're positive and you and my dad like sometimes cries when he like, here's how much I their daughter like affects people's lives and like

makes people feel special. And they see me meet my fans, like sometimes I want them to see like my meet and greets so they can see like people love me, like really appreciate what I get do for them, and like I'm not just some because every I think every time we hang out, I I feel like they're just like gott Nikki and her like just bettering herself and all these like woo woo new age like love yourself,

accept yourself, like I've accepted myself. They just kind of roll their eyes and they're like that's for you, and it doesn't work for us, and stop projecting your own like they don't understand that it's a big your thing and that it that. But I mean, I think you're saying things that like, okay, if how do I put

this where? It's like they're pretty simple people in a lot of ways, and I think like everything you're saying, like I'm bettering myself, I'm doing and they just like want to eat their oreos and not hear about that at ten am. You could see why they could go, Okay, you're being a little a lot right now, and that's okay. But that doesn't mean that they don't love you. I mean they show you through their actions all the time how much they love you. They show up, they take

your dog when you need it. They like they do things for you. If you call on your mom right now and you know I need you, she would do whatever the fuck it takes to be like I just don't. Um, that's not what my love language isn't like showing up for me. My love language is like how are you feeling? Like what? Um, oh you why why do you like that kind of shoe? I mean like even like not

like oh my god, you're always so cute. You look beautiful, like my mom, you said yesterday when we were getting botox. She's like because one of the questions I had to ask her for the fact that there were cameras there to just like prompt conversation, was um, you know, mom, what made you get botox? And she goes, well, you Nikki, because she was like, ever, I've just seen you get so beautiful lately. And I just looked at her and go,

what did she do? She's so beautiful all of a sudden, You're just like so And all my friends they constantly are writing me saying, Nicky, so beautiful, Nikki looks so gorgeous, and I'm just like, that's like I think she liked like I think that my parents, my mom, Like yesterday I said that, Um, you know, I'm at a place in my life where I feel like maybe I'm not

fully there, but I could be. I could you know, have serious like facial disfigurement or something terrible, could take all my looks from me or whatever, and I could still like be okay and like myself and not want to like die and not be a part of this world. It would be very hard about saying it would be like it's the same, but like, yeah, but I feel like I said, you know, and I think you love me just as much if I were you know, extremely overweight or whatever it is. And the truth is, I

don't know that that's true. I think that my mom might. She would just be she would be disappointed, and that makes I think, that makes me sad. Is that I got more love from my parents when I became famous and beautiful. And that's what Why Why wouldn't I That's why when as a kid and I wasn't that. My mom even said yesterday, Andrew, I just said this one. I guess she never told me and my sister we were She goes, I don't know where you got this idea that Lauren was so much more beautiful than you.

I never told either of you girls you were beautiful. I never I made a point never to say it. And I was like at first, I was like, oh, that's kind of I'm never I never tell Poppy she's beautiful. I always say you're so cute, and you're so smart, and you're so like fun and funny, and I just I don't want to. I don't say things about looks um or try not to sometimes it's hard because she is so beautiful, but I don't still want her to

like have that value on that. And I thought, that's why my mom said she didn't say we were beautiful, But I go, why did you not say that? And she goes, because I just didn't want you getting a big head and thinking you were better, like, which is kind of the same idea, but it's more of like, yeah, it's it's because on the flip side, now she's telling you you're beautiful all the time, and I hate it and hate it, so obviously there's somewhere in the middle.

I'm glad she didn't say we were beautiful as a kid, I just think that her motivations for doing so, we're not the reasons you're not think like a big head in the sense that she was competitive with you. No, no, no, she just didn't want us thinking we were better than people, which, by the way, like it's the same, it's the same idea of like there's then you have value on that, but it's not about like I don't want my daughters to like think to think that that matters so much.

It's more about I didn't want them to think I didn't want them to know how much power they could wield, because it's almost like I didn't want you going around thinking you were hot shit. Nick. Yeah, well see that's tough too because then it's like that created different kind of problems where you Because my dad heard I was said I was beautiful all the time, so I thought, that's that's weird that one parent says it all the

time and the other never says it. And also my mom used to say she was ugly all the time, so my mom clearly has knows what is beautiful and ugly. If my mom is able to say it to herself in the mirror and I don't hear it from her about me, I think I probably internalized I probably ugly because if I was beautiful, my mom would tell me because she told herself she's ugly all the time. Yeah, so tough because like my mom does the same thing.

She will say, oh, you're so hand and when I feel my ugly sometimes my handsome boy, and I'm like, not not this year, like or not this month, Like I know how I'm looking right now, so I and she she comments on my looks a lot. Then my dad, I don't think it's ever been like, you're a handsome boy. Obviously it's different with father son. But like I think though,

it's stem problems. If you don't hear that from your mom, then it's like, it's not that you want to be better than other people, you just want to be equal to other people. You don't want to feel less than if you never hear from her, if you're putting a lot of value on your looks, well I was smart enough to know my mom isn't someone that walks around and doesn't judges people's looks because I hear her do

it all the time. And to have no opinion of what my looks, I'm guessing if I were beautiful, she'd probably say something, So her absence of saying something leads me to just I always think a thousand steps ad. I'm a little bit. I was, I'm a little um. I have the brain. I have a weird brain, and so I think that I was like, okay, if this equals this, then this, and my dad tells me I'm beautiful. So obviously that's not a for boden thing to say in my house. If it if you wanted to say it,

you could. My dad says it every day and my mom sits there quietly. It might be that I my mom doesn't think I'm beautiful. She wasn't wrong, I wasn't as a kid, and she goes, yes, you weren't. To go, it doesn't matter if I wasn't, but I got the idea that it was. Like, But here's the thing. If you then ask her what she was doing and she goes, well, you were beautiful as a kid, and then you go, no, I wasn't. You already have an idea of what you

look like or who you were as a kid. So it's like, it's got to be frustrating to be on the other side when they do feel like that they're opening up or being honest and being either supportive or however they're talking to you, and then you're denying what

they're saying. It's got to be frustrating because then they're like, well, why am I even gonna tell her anything if she doesn't believe me, because it's you know what I mean, like on their end to to go, well, yeah, she's she's practicing communicating with you, and I guess maybe if you give her like positive feedback, it might she may feel more open to being more emotional towards you since it's hard for her to. Yeah, I mean I on them like obviously, no, they're they're trying there. I mean,

they not want nothing but the best for me. I know that, and so I'm just but I'm saying that, Like I think that if I have kids someday and my husband is and I don't want to say anything about the kids beauty or looks, and my husband's constantly saying that they look beautiful, I might even I would have a conversation with my husband, like, can we get on the same page about we don't comment on their looks?

Or I need to get on your page because it's gonna seem weird if I say nothing, because in this house, you're setting the tone that we talked about those things, and the absence of talking about them equals you're gonna go do ugly. I'm ugly because you don't tell someone they're ugly. I know that, I'm smart enough kid to realize you don't tell someone to their face they're ugly, unless it's your own face in the mirror. But I it.

But um, but if I was beautiful, my dad says it, my mom would say it, so the absence of it, I think made me realize and the fact that this even matters. I mean this, this is a topic I've become obsessed with when I'm depressed, but it really it hurts me and it it um it just And then the denial that my sister was more beautiful than me, and that my mom didn't notice and things like that, It's like that makes me feel sad because I believe her.

I believe that she did not see a difference between our looks because she does look at her girls the same way and we were both beautiful and she didn't want to give us either a big head, but I literally had a big head. Um No, I think that she just it makes me sad she didn't notice like

I think I would like to be. And this is uh like subjectively speaking, like when I see pictures of you as a kid, I don't I think you went through a couple of awkward years like we all do, like around like puberty time, where like you started to look you look older than now. You cannot deny that.

No one can deny that my sister was more beautiful than me, and my mom denies that there was there was a time I saw a couple of photos where I go I didn't see I saw you being more attractive than you're just get a weird little Lloyd Christmas, she got beautiful. It was before and I'll tell you, I used to hear I was skinny and beautiful and all the things when I was little, and then it stopped abruptly and I got super depressed. And the fact

that they weren't tuned into that. But dude, I'm telling you, there's like other positives that came from that. Like I was told I was little, but I was. I was a very cute kid, Like I was like model cute kid. My older brother was not as attractive. I think I got called out cute more than him. He wasn't ugly by any means, but he didn't have anything on me.

I was cute as fuck. That dude is doing pretty good, Yeah he is, And I'm doing pretty good for I'm saying so, I guess I just I think it comes back to I just want people to acknowledge and asked me how I feel like I think that would have solved a lot as being like Nikki, how do you

feel like it seems sad? What's going on? Lauren gets that host has told Lauren that she should be a model and looked at me and didn't say anything, and I feel like it means I'm ugly instead of being like I might have said that to them and they go, just shut up. I'm not listening to this right now. Shut up. That is so ridiculous. That's what I got, other than well, tell me about that. That really seems hard to feel that way about yourself. What do you

think that means about you? What? What? Like? I just wish I would have had a little bit more of that. But the gift is that now I can give that to other because I've been through that. I can give it to myself. I can talk that way to myself because otherwise I'm lucky that I've done the work to be like something's wrong here. I didn't get something as a child, and I need to find it, and I found it, and now I can give it to myself more and other people could give it to me. And

also I can give it to other people. And so maybe someone is listening to this, and maybe we'll hear their kids say the same thing, and instead of going, shut up, you're beautiful, they can go I felt that way before, and it's really hard and I don't see what you're talking about. And I think you're beautiful, But tell me about how that makes you feel and and some of your feelings and just like hold them and

let them cry instead of telling them. I agree. Like I can't remember one time in my childhood where like how are you like there were no conversations like that because they were in their own head. They were dealing with their any of this I don't want to hear. So, you know what, I love talking about our feelings. Now that's all we talk about. I know. I sometimes think like my only thing is like for you, I'm like, it's not about a day off from work or like

all that stuff. I just want sometimes I just wish you had a day off from your own brain, like I really and I know, um that's what I used to do drug for and yeah that's drink. Let's get to the news. Oh man, it's Thursday. You know what that means. It is Thursday out there, and boy are they having all the swells. Thursday means it's Thursday. Would not be able to get there ourselves. I mean, look,

sometimes it takes a break. Funny that you just said you wish I had a vacation from my brain, Like that is so sad to me that my that a friend of mine is just like I wish you just like didn't have to be you for Yeah, pretty much, that's pretty much when I'm saying, oh boy, but I feel like I get what you're saying once every like like I whatever, anyhow, but would I do that? Let's

get to the news. I think even on a beach, you're getting like you're finding something wrong with the sam Oh god, I hate the beach and the sun will like highlight all of my spray tan areas that I'm like, why can't I just accept my skin tone? And then I get mad about a spin tone and then I feel guilty about the guilt. No, we talked about the guilt. I guess when you get your foot rubs, that's the place where if you got a foot rub for twenty four hours. Maybe that I know, and that goddamn foot

massager I bought socks, you know, one man's trash. Okay, Virginia woman left hospitalized and hallucinating after venomous spider bites her lip she was kayaking down. I forget what which lake, But she was kayaking. She got bit by a spider and it ended up being a brown reclusive, brown recluse recluses those have you ever googled what those wounds look like? They're like gunshots that looks like your mom's lips yesterday. Oh my god, you have to scot the filler. Um Wow,

what's so? Was she camping and this spider just like she was kayaking and then I guess the fighters probably on the boat or on a tree and like dangled down. I mean, so many times we get bit by bugs and we're just like it's just a bug, you know, and then like sometimes it's a fucking bug. So she started hallucinating, hallucinating. I feel like I was hallucinating looking at the picture. Yeah, black hole, so black ole lip. I look at this your Oh honey, she looks like

she has like one of those mustache. She looks like she has a mustache. It's like a like a like a I don't know, accountant in the eighties isn't so weird too? Like some spid Like there's very few, I guess venomous spiders. But it's like God was just like, oh, I'm gonna make this one a fucking badass, Like like, why did this one get venomous? And daddy long legs over there? It's like, can I get a little venom daddy long like? I seriously would brown recluse. This is

what I hate about daddy long legs. They'll be like click click click click click. They'll be like tapping along and then all of a sudden, watch if go watch the video on our YouTube for this demonstration, They'll be like click click click click clack click click, and then all of a sudden, they just go and they like spread out on the wall and they're just like flat on the wall, and I just hate that flatness. I'd

love to give him little shoes. I actually i'd love to see them type Stephen King book on a typewriter. Wouldn't that be fun? That would be adorable. But their bodies are just these little dots. And then they daddy lung legs are so gross. I just hate when they go and they just like all they're like splay out flat on like a sighting of an old house. I hate it. I want them to stay likely. How are there so many different things? What is our world? So I don't even let my brain. Did you get bit

by brown recluse? Are you loosening right now? Brown eye clue? So what did she What did she do? God seventh things stretch fit it in. What did she do? She she's dead? No, she lives. She went to the hospital. Um, I mean, yeah, she was just hospitalized. It didn't really go into the fact of like how fucked up she got. The article wasn't that long. It just talked about how she hallucinated and obviously she lived. But I think these

are these could be fatal. I would think being closer to your brain because you can get um, you know, leak into your like you can get infections from I mean, these wounds are horrific. They look like just all of a sudden, there's a sinkhole in your skin, Like it just creates a giant hole that gets black and infect

It's so gross. I mean there's a time in my life if I got bit by a brown or clues and it was getting bad, I would just go, I know, Scabi story, Yeah, I mean yeah, man, all right, next story. Jake jyllen Hall says filming love scenes with Jennifer Aniston was torture because he had a crush on her, So she had to put an old pillow in between the Genitalia before they started Home and the Good Girl. Yeah, yeah,

that movie is so good. She's great in that and so is He was not like her first thing after Friends. It was her first like dramatic. No, she did Pitch Perfect, she did Um that one movie with Paul Rudd. She did Um. There was a couple of that was like her. She's the one that was her first, like Oscar Gras Sandler did that one, the Punch Drunk Club. Yes, that was her first, like dramatic role. She's great. And I love that movie. That's a Mike White. That's the guy

that made White Lotus. He wrote that movie. It's so good. I don't know if I've ever watched. I watched it. I love it. She plays like a small town when she was married to Um. What's this the guy John See Riley who talks wait, hold on John's wait, I can do an improtestion of John Riley used to be able to hold that. South doesn't sound right at all. Let's see, let's see what he actually No, don't don't I know. I can hear it in my head and

I can't do it. But um, he's her husband, which is just like right, and she has an affair with Jake Jill and all, who's like this young guy who she's like, I shouldn't be doing this, and like Jake falls in love with her and it becomes a little torrid. And that makes sense that he had to everyone has a crush on jennif Ranson. I mean it's got to be so. I mean he was talking about how there's

forty people in the room. The usually guys don't get bonus because they're so nervous and it's just so not sexual because they're acting, you know, they're doing a job. I mean, why is it not just them too? And the and the director goes, Okay, I'm gonna hit the camera. I'm gonna hit record because it's it takes a lot of people to make a production. Why because I'm not

trying to play camera action. Yeah, there's a lot of what I'm saying, like, once you've set it up, like this is set up, we don't need thirty other people in here, Like what is going on here? Like why? Why? I guarantee it could get rid of twenty five people.

It's like when you go buy a photo shoot in New York City and there's a model and then there's seven people, Like I don't know, for me, it would make me more comfortable doing a sex scene if there were more people there than just like one director, like kind of like a threesome, Like, what's a good number

than eight? What are we talking about, legs, I'm getting cornier by when we added um um yeah, that's but that must have meant he was like he crushed on are so hard that it was like he couldn't get out of that, he couldn't separate the two. You know, because I've heard a lot of times with these sex scenes that you know, you don't get horny during them because they're so you're just you're at work. I know.

It's like a weird line because it's because you want them to you want the woman to think you're into her, but at the same time not doing there like you don't want it to seem too sexual. Yeah, it's gotta be fucking tough unless you go to the partner and be like, look, let's let's get it the funk on, like we're hooking up. Well, then a lot of times, though, like the people that are you know on set, doing these romances, they do start hooking up because you make

out all day, You're like touching each other. It's like that stuff leads to you make out with someone enough you just start kind of maybe feeling things for them, maybe like uh if you do it on camera and you're like, really go for it. But then you kind of feel like icky because you're like, wait, we're just doing this for work. We might as well do it for real, for real, you know what I mean, like if you were, because it's like I already did it.

I already did it. Also, like it's not cheating. I don't want to practice in a hotel room alone with this person. Yeah, with just the director that they're like, we only need to do to hold hands for the scene. You're like, yeah, we wanted to um have anal just to really get Nickelodeon. We're doing them. What's the technique? The meisner? No there they Whenever I hear meisner, I just see like my Jewish aunt being like, oh you

gotta act better. It's me here, Like that's all I hear. Like, I just hear like an old Jewish woman yelling at me. I don't know, I've I've done makeout scenes for like acting before and it's you. I'm not good enough actor to to separate the two, and so I the only way I can act is to just like try to

get into this. And then because a lot of times, even you know, back in my days, when I would make out with someone or be hooking up with someone that I didn't really like because it was in the morning and it was I was sober at that's acting like, I would seriously fake it till I made it. So I would kind of pretend like I was an actress and a thing and go like pretend I was a porn star, just like get out of my own head. By pretending I'm a character, and then by faking it

you make it. You end up like sometimes I like can't have an orgasm, so I go, what would it? What would it look like to have an orgasm? Or like um act as if that's the thing that we talk about in recovery A lot is like, Okay, so you don't believe in God, why don't you just pretend there is a god? Pretend like you're someone who does believe in God. What would you do right now? Who would you talk to? What would you say? Just pray like you do believe even though you don't. What if

you did? And then you end up being able to find that kind of thing and it goes somewhere though, it goes somewhere inside you, if you so. Sometimes I act as if I'm having an orgasm and I get I have one, because a lot of times they elude me so much. So sometimes maybe you try that, Yeah, yeah, manifesting it a little bit. But like, just okay, I can't have an orgasm right now? What if I was a woman who could? What would it feel like? What

would if my vagina feels literally numb? But if I could feel my vagina, what what would that woman feel right now? And then it kind of happens. Well, sometimes you could like train your brain into feeling, you know, like when you like there's certain parts of the body that has more sensation, like more feeling, more nerves, and sometimes your penis, you're vagina like kind of like dead, it's like not really connected to you. So you have to like like localize your thoughts. Oh man, Emily Sex

with Emily. She taught me um when I was listening to a podcast of like when you're having sex and you're feeling really detached, like put your brain in your like really like only try to feel with your vagina. And sometimes I'm so tapped out of my genitals. I am like they are not in the room. I am. Sometimes I just don't you know what I mean. And then sometimes you go, oh my god, wait a second, let me just stop and like actually put all of the feeling in there and only feel down there, and

then it's like, what the fuck? Whoa, I just flipped a switch. I mean, our brains are fucking wild. It is wild how you can really focus on like like that trick that we learned from Ben Glee. When you're cold, remember that your blood is nine point six degrees. There's something that's nearly a hundred degrees, which if it was that hot outside, you would be hot. It's pulsing through you. So when you're cold, focus on your blood and all of a sudden you start to feel warm. It's fucking trippy, dude.

I mean, yeah, it's uh and it's yeah, I don't know. The generals are a weird thing, man. With me, it's it's a weird thing. No, just like the feeling of like I have to like sometimes they are in sex, I have to like I get it. I get I just think, I get like rebbed up, and then I get like, I get like a meditative state where like I don't feel You would think i'd be more present, but it's like when you're eating food when you're super hungry or supers you don't taste the food, you just

chew it, and all of a sudden it's gone. You're like, what did I even just do? And there's sauces everywhere, and you go, did I were extra sauce I had? And it's like, I ate that when the fund did I eat that? It's the same thing when I Sometimes I see you or even myself eating and I'm like that person, you aren't even there's no enjoyment happening right now. It's not enjoyment. It's just stuffing a hole, which a lot of times sex is like you're not like you're

not present. Okay, so the next time we have sex, not you and I together, next time we have sex, let's try to focus on like the feel of it. At some point in the middle of it, when we start to go thinking about like something else, the baseball game, what we're gonna eat later, or what we're not. We're going to shove into our faces later. Um use that as a reminder to go, wait a second. I'm let me just focus on my gen's and if you can't, just imagine a Jewish aunt going, come on, come on,

use the miz nap. All right, let's take a break. We'll be back with our weekly sports moment. Here we go, your favorite time in the week. Here we go. It's time for the weekly sports moment. Here's Andrew's weekly sports moment. Oh boy, this one I think you might like. Okay, I hope you stay sitting down. Okay, Jaguars coach Urban Meyers, that's the thing that's on your arm. Okay. Urban Meyer

says he's sorry for the distraction. Apology Okay, his team after video surface of him dancing with a woman who wasn't his wife, He caused a distraction. He's apologizing for the distraction. It cause I know he's getting grinded on. So he's essentially not grinding on her. His hand is he kind of looks like a quarterback under a center, Like he has his hand covering kind of his generals, but it's in her. But crap, is he like bent over like squatting almost well, he's sitting on a barstool.

Oh okay, barstool like the sports Um, okay, we feel about that is a cheating if you're getting grinded on. Also, this is I'm sorry if your husband's can grind it on at a bar. Why is your husband at a bar like with women around dancing like time, this is just the one time I did that, babe, I mean it's insane. Um kids and his grandkids earlier that at a dinner, like yeah, like three minutes before that, dude,

which is pretty badass um Um. I like that he apologized for the distraction it caused, Like, it's not about like I apologize to my wife. I'm sure he did that on his own time. And also we don't know the arrangement they have. It could be open. I mean, honestly, it could be. And if I were with this guy, I would not mind for the staff. And I don't know how I would feel if I was with the kids and the grand kids and everything and having to

take care of that. But maybe my husband wants to go get a little ass on a bar stool, and maybe I was like, maybe i'd be like, I can't wait to watch TANZ sports later and see this, then fuck you because it's so hot. What do you think is it? Is it cheating if you're getting grinded, if you know, if it's you know, you can't say yes or no to these things, even though I just did. But it's like if if if a woman, I would say for most women in a monogamous relationship, that would

be cheating. I mean I can't. Noah, please, I mean if you saw. I'm not saying that it's not. I'm just I'm just wondering what I would be appalled me to be some kind of uh explanation for sure. Okay, would you rather this? Would you rather him get grinded on like that in public? Or get a blowy in private where then you're not embarrassed because it's not in public and no one knows. Oh I don't. It's for me. It's more about my feelings that are hurt, not other people.

But you're feeling would be hurt more by the more people that knew that your husband. I guess one is like an actual sexual act, so that uh would not bode well. But I don't know, like the guy could have stopped, like he could have stood up and walked away or something, or have been like, excuse me, any spaced grind in public blow I private. I'd rather didn't get a blow job in private, just because I'd rather hear about I think that's hotter and the public that

makes Well. The thing is like when I if I ever get like into a relationship and I engage in this kind of the thing that I like, which is, yeah, the thing that I like, which is guy's kind of fooling around with other women and then telling me about it, I will I unless I'm out with it everyone about my open relationship. I'll feel embarrassed because I'm like, people are gonna think that you did. You're like sneaking around on me, and then I'm like not in control of them. Yeah,

so I would be annoyed at that. But um, in general, Lake, I I would assume this guy, if you're getting grinded on at a bar by a random woman in front of thirty minutes after you're with your family, you're definitely getting blowtubs in private. Like it's it's one and the same. I do think though, that, um, you should apologize to the Cardinals for the distraction the blow job and the

sex you were having caused that team. Actually, you need to apologize to Brenna for the distraction the baseball game. Because you'd have in your sex look last night, things got out of control. I want to apologize not only to my lovely girlfriend Brenna, but to the whole organization of the Cardinals. I'm just a man, Okay, I'm just a man. Andrew Collins, just a man, that's all I am. And sometimes men do things that they don't even want to do. And I'm sorry about the distraction. I won't

happen again. If it does happen again, I will take ownership again. I'm not blaming this on the team. I'm not blaming This is almost better than you when your mother night. You were showing me what it looks like when an athlete throws a ball versus when an actor being an athlete, and that wasn't even that was a better portrayal. I mean character, I really like this. I feel like men practic. You practicing your golf swing in the mirror is almost like you've been practicing that. You've

seen it so much. We've seen apologies from athletes so many times. You just nailed that. Comedians I'm a man. I'm just a man, and if it happens again, I will take accountability, Like yeah, if no one else's fault, my own, if it happened, you know, I'd like to keep this private matter between wife and my family. And I'm ashamed. I never want to say it, but I'm also I'm dealing with some mental issues of my own. I try to keep it. Man of God, Man of God, Jesus. Oh,

it's God's fault. Um. Oh, he's fine because he's a man of God. Never mind, we forgive him. Okay, let's get to fan thrack fitturing Ivy like in the living room, just doing that and no h just recording him. That's exactly how it happened. How many takes did he do? Um? He? I think he gave me like seven. Oh that's cool. That's nice. That's pretty good. We got it in one. Let's hear how love you to go track? It's really good? All right, let's t Fan tracks are a weekly fan

letter voicemail dump. Okay, so our first one comes from Abby, Hey, Nikki, Noah, and Andrew. This is Abby. I just wanted to drop

in and tell you this little story. So this um I am in the middle of taking yoga teacher training and this past week we had an anatomy lesson and the teacher brought in a skeleton and all I I'm thinking was and so I was kind of chuckling to myself, and the girl to do next to me asked what was so funny, and so naturally I had to tell her that my bestie, Nikki Lazer, has a hilarious joke about how skeletons are always smiling, which made her laugh too, And so thank you for helping me make a new

friend um in a room full of thirty people that I had never met before. And also, I'm going to be at your Kansas City show this weekend, and I can't fucking wait. My husband just informed me that he got us meet and greet ticket because he knows how obsessed I am with you guys, and so I you know, I'm just so freaking pumped. I will see you guys this weekend. Bye. Oh my gosh, what's her name? Mandy, Abby? Abby? Abby? We're both way off. Abbey, will see you this weekend.

That's so exciting. Oh my god, we gotta we gotta take a picture like skeleton. Yeah, yeah, or a little video. Um, I love that. Uh yeah, use any kind of joke I've made to be like, yeah, my friend did this joke and it's to make friends. That's a great idea. Also, it's like she's probably stretched out, she's in a class.

The skeleton comes in and then she sees it and it's just like if someone laughs at the joke, you know, they're cool, Like you know, they get it and they're kind of weird and like they just yeah, instant friends. I see her turning one person. Especially in the yoga training class. People can kind of be too cool for schools, you know, just covering from addiction and they're like need something to sweat but without like a real dring. Oh

my god, Well that's so cool. I'm always so like flattered that, like people who are like into yoga, like listen to the show because I'm so not. I mean I could really benefit from some yoga probably, but it's so slow for me. I need fast yogas. Wait, is there fast yoga Nasa? Oh? That's that Really it's NASA, but you could probably get even speedier. You can put

it on two times. Yeah that's podcast. Um no, Abby, I'm so excited to meet you this weekend, and um, I love you can always tell when there's besties at the meet and greets versus just Reggie's. There's some great people. I never read that note from that one guy who gave us a note yesterday. I'll go get it. Yeah, one second, let me just go get a quick fan thrax that we got at the meet and great last week, this guy came up. He was wearing a Dustin Poirier shirt and uh so he was in you know, he

was the bestie and uh he was so nice. He wrote as handwritten letters like oh yeah, he wrote, you are maybe well when you come here you'll read it. It was so nice and sweet. Oh I only have no H's. I don't have mine for some reading. All right, let's read Noah. I lost my own from this guy, but I do have Noah's car. Okay, when we put my head and thank you for being a crucial piece

of something I look forward to every day. I always appreciate we put together in your perspective on things and your consistency and saying here's Nikki is something every person should aspire to obtain, whether it be their professional life or hobbies. Speaking of hobbies, your love of metal and jiu jitsu make you among the biggest badasses I know.

B j j is something I'd like to start student myself presulian jiu jitsu, as I would love to be more knowledgeable on applications of what I watched every Saturday. The two line events I have tickets for are the show, this show, and you have two six eight next month, and I feel like that pretty much sums up my interest. I just adore all three of you because you guys keep me laughing and make me a better better as a person. Your attitudes and views inspire me to continue

to work on myself and improve. I am indebted to all of you, and I wish you all the best in the world. Love you, bestie, all the swells, Derek, Oh my god, so freaking sweet. Noah was like covering her face the whole time. Isn't it so intense to get letters addressed to you? I feel the same way now. I was telling Andrew this other day that I honestly

fan tracks. Every time you press play, I get a lump in my throat because I get nervous that I just can't stand all the like I the love feels too much, right, Yeah, I know we have to find like that perfect balance. I think that's been like the theme of the episode. I know all I want is love, and yet when I get it, I go no, no, no, I don't deserve that. Please don't give that to me. I'm I promise you. I'm ship that is so nice is the one to dust from dustin. Oh, this is

from Maria. I also got a thing from Maria. I wasn't going to write you because I figured so many people do. Then I remember what you said on the pot about by a standard effect, everyone assumes everyone else is doing it. I feel compelled to write for so many reasons. I feel like we're swell mates. I like that I'm also vegan for the animals because I truly love them more than people. And I eat and eating meat is so kid. Speaking of Vegas, the most kid place, capital of kid but I do it for do love

it here? This I got her, this note from Maria in Vegas. I'm from Canada, close to Niagara Falls, another kid place. Another thing that makes us swell mates is I also have a gay male bestie, just kidding. I know Andrew is straight, but like you, I sometimes wonder if I'm by women don't see capable of hurting women like men do. Lastly, here's what I admire the most about you. How transparent you are. Fuck is she calling me pale? Fuck? The negative? The negative losers on Reddit

similar to you. I have struggled with um things and admittedly still do. You have helped me realize how fucked up the diet and exercise industry is. I have used a lot of your strategies and continue to do so in my battle. I just wanted to thank you. You are my Taylor Swift, and I mean that. I hope you enjoy the Smarties. Oh, this girl gave me Smarties from Canada. The um the chocolate treat that I love. That's like the Eminem's of Canada. So thank you so much.

And I have a couple of notes also that I'm going to say for next week that people have given me in person. So if you want to write me a note in person for the meet and greet um, I will read those on the fan trax um eventually. So thank you so much, Maria and Derek. Let's get to some voice memos or some more voice memos if we have time. Yeah, Okay had written so nice see them writing it by candlelight. So this one comes from Kelly. Okay,

I know Jukie, This is Kelly from Tennessee. UM. I wanted to start by saying how much I love all three of you and how much I love the podcast, so thank you for doing this every single day. UM, But I wanted to tell you about a mispronunciation that I had. UM. So, I was with a group of friends and there was a board game sitting on the table and I was kind of looking at it for a long time throughout the night as we were talking, and it had dark figures on it, but I was

confused by the name of the board game. So anyway, once I finally one of my friends held it up to play it, I go, what the heck is codon MS And everybody looked at me. I started laughing so hard because the title of the game was code Names. I had no idea. I love one word, but it clearly said code names. Once they said that, love you guys, Thanks Candy. UM. Code Names is so fun. I've played

it so many times. It's really fun. It's um It's a bunch of words that you put on like a board like five by five their cards and their words, and then you have each of words and you try to I try to get you to guess what the words are by so I have five cards that five of the cards that I have match five of the words on a board of like thirty words, and I

want you to guess. I need to guess, get you to guess my five and by saying but I can't say the word, I have to say a word that might connect like three of you know, as many as possible. So if three of the words are coffee, um brab, bear, and uh garden, I might say brown, and then you might go, okay, brown is a bear, coffee is brown,

maybe garden is brown. I don't know what I'm like black black bear, black coffee by black garden, like I'm trying to get but you might so you might say that, like she might say black old sun and then sound guarded. But I don't know if that's good enough, and I have to like look at you be like please know that I meant it's really fine. Final thought, let's do one more fan rax you yet. I don't know if there's tickets still available, but we're coming to des Moines can. Well,

we'll be in De moin tonight. Yeah, right now, Kansas City and Chicago this week. There's two shows in Chicago seven o'clock and nine thirty, so make sure you know that and then but you might might be single tickets available, but Kansas City tomorrow and Friday, definitely you can tickets available, but definitely mean I think so okay. So this one an important message. Andrew Nolla and Nikki us is Maddie or so we just wanted to say it. And I'm

so happy your dad is okay now and doesn't have cancer. Um, and I wanted to share my story because it's kind of weird, but I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer when I was really young. I was like twenty two or three in and I had no idea anything was wrong with me. And um, my regular doctor found a lump in my neck that I hadn't noticed and she felt it, you know how they feel your neck at the beginning of a physical checkup, and I got the lump diop seed. The doctor kind of brushed it off and told me

it wasn't very likely that I had thyroid cancer. U. But yeah, it came back that I did and my thyroid was taken out. But I'm okay now, And yeah, it's really crazy how you're gonna have cancer and just have no idea because thyroid cancer goes very slowly and so I probably had that lump growing there for years and if my doctor had found it, I could be a way war sauce. So yeah, he sounds like the girl from Chasing Amy. Yeah, she has a great voice. I mean I thought it. I thought a seven year

old stold her mom's phone. No, She's what a thing to go through at that young an age, and you never think in your early twenties that you're going to have are especially a type of cancer that you don't about the doctor kind of like I love when doctors like, probably not gonna And then they got to come back in and be like ship I was, you know, yeah yeah,

and they were googling back in the s kitchen area. Yeah, they do always feel You're like when they're feeling, they like feel things, and you just are like apple, dude, No, No, I have like a real lump on there. But my dad felt it and he said it's like I know, as soon as she we started talking about cancer, I was like Gody Andrew is going to get scared here. You always the cancer stories, like my pinky started to hurt a little bit, and then I found out it

was ankle cancer. Yeah, um no, I know. I mean, thank god, girl, but that's crazy. I wonder, um, how many more years you could have had that and it wouldn't have been like if it's very slow, And she said she would she's already had it for years. And again, like we were talking, I'm guessing she left this message after the other day when we were talking about like these appointments that you make to go get your cancers checked out, and it's like, okay, well, it's so funny

because I tried to make an appointment. You remember the other day, we were like, let's make our doctor's appointments, called the place April April, and I go and I and I made them check before I gave them my insurance information. I go, I'll pay out a pocket, let's just get the let's get let's get the date. And then I go, okay, now, And I wasn't really going to pay at a pocket. I was just going to give them my insurance after they gave me the date.

But that's ridiculous. I mean, what kind of doctor vagina April April, dude, what are these people doing? And how did you yesterday? I asked that are the doctor friend we have in the building if they could recommend anyone? Oh, that's good idea. Yeah. And then the person that came in, she was fantastic, but she was a nurse practitioner that looked over the doctor didn't even I was like, what's going on here? You see? That's what they said to me.

They go, we can have a nurse to you when I go, I see nurses all the time in my building, and I don't want these people looking at me to check for cervical cancer. No, no offense to nurses. I'm sure nurse practitioners they pretty much like I know as much as the doctor. Just trust me. But you know, I'm I want you just why do we have doctors then, you know, for peace of mind? Nurses? Yeah? It's um,

it's it was. It was. It's an interesting I mean April that's and they say it was, oh, this was great. So I go they're like, oh, so you're you look good. This one about the ear thing, it was something like it sounded grosser in cancer. You ever get that. It's like, oh, it's a scapy itis, a certain tipidus your ears disgusting. I go, okay, can you just tell me how that what you had? It's like, uh, I've heard of it before. I know exactly like there's a really gross word. Oh

and then they like describe. I was like enough and digg wood could be. I get it. It's not dig with the girl's bigger. We can take it off. Did they say, You're just like it's from like not showering. No, it's not like a weird growth, because I've heard of that of like not shower but like a fung. Oh. No. They asked me if I was German, and I go, well, okay, uh, maybe we should get the doctor in here because no, no, no, I said I was from Eastern Europe jew And they're like,

oh yeah, these kind of skin conditions in that region. Yeah, alright, So then they go. Then the they get done and they're like, how's a year from now? And then you check out and then goes okay, how's October uh six Wednesday around? I'm like, yeah, yeah, you go work perfect. The only things that are scheduled that far in advance. Our weddings, Like that's the only thing where you're like, I might have I've saved this date for something else, nothing like we might be underwater by that. What are

you talking about? It's crazy sometimes the dates for these things. I go, they go, oh, your special is coming out and you know at whatever it is, and like just go, We're not even gonna be around. What are you talking about? That's not a real date. Why do we even the calendar shouldn't even go that far. We should just be like penciling in calendar. It should be a there shouldn't

be calendars being made to last that long. But this is the problem, because this is why you're till April, because people are have already scheduled so so many people A people filling up these schedules. Let's just why aren't walkins welcome exactly? Well, there are in urgent care, but you don't want to go to an urgent care. Why. I've been to urgent care for so many things and it's been like boom boom, get looked at by an urgent care doctor. You see what happens. I don't know

if that happens. I don't think they do, Like like a generic checkups at the like O B g N for you. The woman by the way, when I tried to do the O O B by N, they go, are you, um, is this for like um pregnancy? And I'm like, well, I'll have If it was, my baby would be born by April talking this is ridiculous. It would already be in preschool, it would be driving. You know what, I'll hold off. I'll tell the baby to chill out, like and you're like, you're on your fifth

week of maybe thinking you're pregnant. You right, April, No, I need to just done within six days or my life is over red tape. Well, this is the thing I think, because so many people schedule a year ahead, all the schedules filled up with people from ten months ago that might cancel that day. Also, like also think about COVID and have backed up the system is all the people who avoided appointments. Yeah, I mean, I just don't think there are enough doctors to see us all. Yeah,

I mean, yeah, I gotta. But the thing is, it's really weird when one doctor is backed up till April and then you call another doctor and they're like, yeah, we can give you in at a two pm today and are bad. You're a bad doctor, right, Like why are you alone? There's gonna be some difference here, Yeah, there's gotta be that's yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. I Mean that's why these people I kind of felt good about

because they gave me November. Yeah initially I'm going to so I got in at an obi dr fist is gonna really doctor O B y g N doesn't feel like one of those I test. Just whenever I hear that, I just think of an eye test, like oh, like the letters are just like I always think of like a gym, like you got you like you think like

the ob gym, like you're going in. And I remember Tommy JOHNA gant at a joke that one time as a young boy was going into the doctor and he went to an OB gay and he like literally like signed up and like he was just sitting in the waiting room with all these women, just like very confused. And I was like, you probably went in because you thought it was like a gym, Like you thought it was like for boy, like a boy getting a physical for your sports. And you were like, oh, because I

think that's what it was. And he was like, I think that probably was it. Well when they asked him to cough and they're like you have a penis? Or he's like you do you want me cough? Is there a pussy and you don't have a pussy, sir, And I'm nine, why am I here? Like what is he doing? Like I think you were filling up the form and said the date of your last period and he was like when I wrote a sentence yesterday. Um, all right, we gotta go. Thank you so much for the fan trax.

I'm so glad you are alive and well. Kelly. I think it was Kelly that gives the advice. Um, I pretty much. The advice is go to the doctor, let them check your neck and and follow up on things that people think might be suspicious and trust your gut. And thank you to everyone else that's send into fantax, and especially for the handwritten notes. I'll see you this weekend, um Abbey in Kansas City and maybe I'll see some other besties. Ticket still available for those shows and a

lot of dates on the books. Um, thank you so much for listening to show you guys. We will see you on Monday on the Nikki Lazer podcast. Don't be