#100 Mayonnaise on a Plum

vibe with your dog. You guys aren't getting along. We need to go to therapy, probably calling Caesar Milan. Um, how's everyone doing today? I am doing pretty durn good. Um. Noah got a cat last night, so you're walking on sunshine. That cat is so cute. It doesn't seem to have suffered a lot of trauma. It just seems to accept its place right now, like it's happy. Yeah, so his world is very small right now. It's just like this room. But he's just taking so jealous nicely. He's just he's

just laying there in his crate. Just I really got jealous of your cat last night when you sent me a video of it drinking water and it's create because

I was like, it's that's exactly what you. Like. I thought, it's world is so small, and I was like, I want to be in a crate and like not and just have like my water bowl and like sometimes someone comes and gets me, who cuddles me and then puts me back, and like I don't have to deal with emails and promotional videos and you know, just complaining about being busy, which is like it's the it's it's a

gift honestly. But yeah, there was like now that you as soon as you said his world is so small, I was like, oh that was the feeling I had last night watching your your cat as you filmed it through the crate. I was just like, God, that looks so nice. Do you ever want to be an animal, like a caged animal like I? Do you ever get jealous of animals and how simple their lives are? Just from I guess I'm I'm projecting a lot onto them.

They might be miserable, you don't know, right, Like it depends, like I would definitely want to be my own pet because I definitely give them a better life than I give myself sometimes. I know. That's the thing. It's like I it depends on who your owner is. Yeah, I mean most animals. You know, if you're we're going odds here. If you're born into like any kind of animal, let's exclude humans, chances are your life is going to be pretty rough unless you are the pet of a good person.

This morning, um, I came back from I woke up and went to get Starbucks like I always do, and then Andrew was also waking up at the same time, so he was getting Starbucks. He recently got the mobile up, and so he's very excited about it and ordering like right away, and he just he he can't wait for me,

Like he's walking a little bit faster. There's something that really grates on my nerves when someone is eager and like and just they instead of just going like, hey, I'm really hungry, I'm just gonna go ahead, Like I just want people to like honor their feelings instead of trying to accommodate to you and making you feel like

you need to. Then, because I couldn't work, I couldn't rush because Luigi has to like smell everything, and I don't like to pull him away from smells because it's like them finishing a book or a movie, and sometimes they want to shoot on the movie, just like you know, the Doctor. The Drumming documentary on Netflix I watched at Jen my assistant, was like, You've got to see this drumming documentary. I've watched it three times. I love it. It's like, it's not so much about drumming, is about

a love of music. And I was really bored um and abandoned that smell. But um to teach their own and to to my own is not a documentary about people. And they do this whole thing about women drummers and how like people think they can't drum but look at them go and it just feels so I just hate,

you know. Obviously I pointed everyone towards Hysterical the documentary about female comics, but like it really annoys me that like just talk about women drummers without talking about the fact that they're women, you know, like we always have to Like I never thought of myself as a female comic instill until people started saying that all the time. I just was like, and yes, I compared myself to

women before men in comedy and in everything else. But I think that's because everyone makes such a big deal about like, you're a woman in comedy. I don't usually like women in comedy? Can women drum? And that it was this whole thing where they follow these two women drummers that no one's heard of, and they were like,

we what drew you to drumming? Because it's such a thing boys do, And then they let these women drummers drum with flee or like the um what's his name not Flee, the red Hot Chili Peppers drummer, And it was just like, so like a make a wish for these women or something as opposed to like, can't they just be good on their own and not have this

like story where we follow these women. The rest of it was about like male drummers and how fucking awesome they are, and here's the history and here's footage from the sixties, and then it's like these two modern day women like and I guess it's important to show women that you can be drummers too, But there's something about like the plight of the woman drummer. I was just like, I'm just treat them normally. Just put him in the documentary without it being the side piece. That's like can

she drum with the drummer from Red Hot Chili Peppers. Anyway, Andrew was like rushing to get his coffee and his and I was just like, just go ahead, just go and and then he he got my coffee for me that I ordered for myself, and you know, handed it to me in a way like he went inside, well, what we do is peeing to go get his stuff.

And then he came out with my drink too, because it was already on the thing ready to go, and handed it to me in a way that he like bought it for me, which was, I gotta be honest, a little annoying. It's like you just grabbed it and he's like, here you go. There was a little bit of like I got this for you. It was like you walked fifteen feet with it, but you didn't get it. But maybe maybe I'm reading into that. I'm in a little bit of a mood today. The apartment is messy.

There's nothing to do about it. I have to accept or reject. And at this point, rejecting is what living in filth. I don't know what that or accepting is living in filth rejecting is something else. Leaving the apartment, getting a hotel room for the day that would be a reject for me, or getting hit because I don't want to spend money on a I already spend money for a maid. You know when once you have to accept, But this is just what or I have to and

then I end up cleaning. It's just it's hard to And I know that people relate to this withever situation you've lived in before, but like it's just and I'm like, I got groceries last night and I asked him on the way there because I knew he didn't have food because I opened the refrigerator and I can see what is going on, and I just knew he didn't have food, and like he, I go, do you want anything? I had finished my run and I always just go to Wolf Foods, and um he was like, oh, you know stevia,

but that might be too much to carry. And I'm like, yeah, I always get stevia for us, that's a given. But anything else and that I could, you know, carry back because I I walked two blocks back and he's like some frozen pizzas and you know, I've been I'd buy him groceries all the time, um, and there's no talk

of like am I gonna get paid back? Or am I doing this as a like a lot of times I do buy him stuff like and I'm just don't worry about it, like it's on me, like it doesn't bother me, especially when we're on the road, like he's working for me. There was no talk of it. And I don't know what to do now because if I venmo him for the forty five dollars for the pizzas and the mango slices, I know he's going to take that as like a a passive aggressive like like venmo

invoices are sometimes passive aggressive. It's like all of a sudden, you're just like, there's this money you owe me. And I don't know if he thought it was a gift. What do I do? Do I ask? Do I tell him like, hey, by the way, last night, UM, I'm gonna invoice you for I give him the heads up about the invoice, and I bet you anything, this will be yours response, okay, okay, Like it's gonna be like annoyed and I can't and then I feel like I'm

doing something wrong. When I didn't do anything wrong. And then I'm thinking about like the delivery, when I've had groceries delivered. You, I pay like twenty five dollars to have groceries delivered, and I'm lugging these two blocks. And listen, he didn't ask me to get this stuff. I volunteered it. So that's the bottom line. But I don't want my friend to go hungry. What do I do? I think this kind of goes with Andrew not going in to get Starbucks and UM instead waiting for you, as opposed

to UM taking care of his needs. Right, there's like a link there, because if everyone was just responsible for their own uh like happiness, you know, or just taking care of their own needs, you might not feel the urge to make sure that he's fed, you know, right. If he was just responsible for making sure that his stomach is full, it wasn't It's not on you. You

might avoid. But you know, when boys get hungry, they get like it's like I have to deal with the emotional baggage that comes with an anxious, hungry person who then has waited too long. I mean, why don't men understand they're gonna be hungry later? Like, I don't know a single man who prepares and advanced and sorry in advance for being hungry. They just are not hungry now, so they don't think, down, you want to get some snacks for the road trip. No, I'm not hungry. Okay,

well the road trip is going to be. It's just that kind of thinking. I just don't think I'm meant to be a partner with a man. I just can't. That's why Snickers were invented, and that's why Snickers guys love like but that's true though, Like anyone becomes cranky when they don't have food, and then I have to deal with that around, you know, like the opening cabinets, being like, um, what are these? Like a gift that are building gave us in January for moving in? And

I'll be like are these good? And I'm like, this poor guy has to eat these weird jelly fruits that no one wants because he just because I went to Whole Foods and didn't ask him if he wanted anything, like I feel then I feel bad about that because I went to Whole Foods without asking him if he wants something? Can I give you, um, like a suggestion? Sure?

Because I think this is something. This has happened with a friend that I lived with and we were roommates and then we ended up not being friends after that after we lived together. How did you get there? Because I really want to get I'm just kidding. It'll have now, I'm just kidding. Um, what if you guys had a like a jar in the kitchen that was the mutual jar for mutual grocery And let's say you went to the grocery store and you noticed that Andrew didn't have

any food. What if you took funds out of that after you checked in with him, if he wanted you to pick something up for him, Um, because that jar would be empty because no one works with cash anymore. And even if we went to the bank to get you have to go to the bank to get cash or go to a t M. He wouldn't go and say I'll then know you later. It just like wouldn't happen.

And the bottom line is I have to like have some boundaries about like why I feel like I have to buy everyone everything all the time because I make more money, I guess. But the thing is, as soon as his dad croaks, he's going to make more money than me, and then I'm going to give him a huge invoice. I'm just getting sorry, sorry, Papa Colin. It's just true. I'm just like struggling today with um, you know.

And I think this is a very normal thing in a relationship of being like keeping tabs of what you've done and what they haven't done, or you know, um, just seeing how long a toilet paper roll in our mutual bathroom that we use will stay on. An empty toilet paper roll will stay on the thing. And by the way, it's not one of those ones that you've gotta pop out and like kind of it takes a little bit of finagling. This one is just when you

like easily slided off. I had a new one on, Andrew left on the one that is done and went underneath the cabinet, got a new one and then left that one on the floor. The waistpin is right underneath the dispenser which he had used. He knows where it is, and I just go, I'm just gonna see how long it takes before and the truth is it will never happen. And there's also a tie food container in the fridge

that has been there and it has an. It is a eight inch long, like a huge tub of bad Die or um, you know, green curry, and it has a half an inch of fluid in it, and it's I'm just wondering how long it will stay there, and the answer is forever until we move. This isn't a

fun little experiment. I know. I know the outcome. I want to tell you at the top of the show when I write are at the top of the next moment with Andrew, and I know people go, Nikki, this is your problem, and you're right, it is my problem, Like I have to be more communicative and like my I'm I am doing the thing that I said I don't want to do. You accept, you reject, or you tolerate, and I am tolerating, and it's a it's neither, and it's causes me to not be friends with this person

in the end. Whereas you can choose to accept or reject with love in the in the immediate, but if you don't do either of those and you tolerate, it ends up you reject with hate eventually, and I don't want to do that. So but I do want to share a very hilarious moment that happened in our kitchen this morning, right before the show started. I hope Andrew's done with his poop because he did go balcony at moment.

We'll cover all of this, and I know you cannot wait. Uh, Andrew, Oh look at Luigi on your laugh you're so comfye booble um. Hey Andrew, I've slept with this dog many times? You have, Yeah, when I used to do for him, Oh yeah, he would sleep. I wish he would you take him some nights here. He wants to get in your room sometimes. Oh my god, that would be amazing because I just he's so depressed all the time. I was just talking about it. I can't stand it anymore. Well,

I might get him on doggies aloft. I think he doesn't know, and he seems more fun. And I hate to say, when he's around Marian, what do we do? And when Chris comes over or anyone he knows, he instantly starts playing with a bone, like he just wants people around him to be like like when you and

I are together, he should be the same way. But like he whenever someone comes over and then we don't even need to play with him, he'll start playing with toys and like on the side, and like chewing bones that I've tried to get him to play with for weeks, but he won't do it unless there's someone new there that is that he knows. I mean that kind of reminds me of like us as humans, like we have a third party, we all perk up, like he perks up. He's just maybe he's relaxed with us and he doesn't

need to people that we're talking about you boo boo. Yes, he's looking at me like, hey, I did not say that you could disclose this information on the podcast about me. And he has his limits. I know you're very private talk he is private. Oh yeah. He doesn't want out there. Oh my god. He would not be someone who would be okay with being in my life if I had a podcast, you know, like this is against his will for sure. He doesn't want to be on camera. I'm

dealing with that a lot in my family right now. Um, Andrew, I wanted to share right off the top the moment we had in the kitchen just now that I mean, I wish someone could have caught it on camera. I mean, yeah, but you're already ruining the punchline. Oh damn drip. Okay, So so noah, We're in the kitchen and we're like, Andrew's watching golf video. Is that I'm uh making breakfast and um, and I was like getting ready to sit

down and talk with him and something. He just goes, oh and oh and by the way, when my oatmeal was cooking, which takes three minutes, I went to the bathroom, our guest bathroom, and I balcony, which you've told me I can never sit in there. Oh well you can, well, because your should stake minutes. I shipped faster than I p I didn't know that. Well, that's a that's a

that's an exaggeration, that's a that's a problem. Then I try to ship as quick as I pee because any time in im a restaurant, I don't want people any ship. Yeah yeah, yeah, I count it off. That's what girls have done too. I think that's why girls all shipped fastest, because we just fear men knowing that we're maybe you bring your girlfriend in there, because then you go, oh no, we got into a serious conversation and oh yeah, off

each other or someone to hold your hair back. Why you puke up your dinner because we all do that virus and no you go, you can, you can should, and I know you should in there because I've seen the toilet paper be half changed out and you're not peeing with toilet paper, So okay, Well, honestly, after what happened this weekend with you, you should. That was bad. I mean, we get into that real quick. But Brenna, we tried to get a little sexy time in the middle of the night. I went and took a piss

at two am. I woke her up. She was turned on, and I guess I didn't shake my cock and I had a lot of pee in my peonies and she felt it and it was turned off immediately and I went back to bed. No way, she didn't want to do it after that. She didn't love having a handful of piss. This was on your more than a drop. But did you just like not shake it? Well, like, it's the middle of the night, so you probably kept peeing like on the way back a little sure or

maybe going there. Maybe I just stayed in bed and pissed. I don't remember exact was your pants did she feel your pants or she felt your like penis was like she had wet on her hands. Like literally, she felt my underwear and I was wearing tidy blackies and she felt the pants and yeah, it was just it was it was wet. It wasn't it wasn't like damp. I wouldn't use damp. It was wet. And so I took him off and I was like, now she's like, I have pissed on my hands. This ISOK. A bit of yeah.

I mean, she probably would have if I like forced her, but she was into it, and then it was just like, yeah, oh that's so fun. What if it turned her on more. She's like finally figured it out. I mean, people are into that. That's becoming a very common thing, I think. So we're in the kitchen, though, yes, we're in the

kitchen this morning, and you went off to go balcony. Um, you go, oh got a balcony and I go, I'll see in forty five minutes, and uh, I go, oh, I just balcony actually, and you were like what I was like it literally, I it was one of those ones that made my eyes crossed because it felt so good, like it was so rewarding. And I even went when I first got up this morning and it was like not rewarding, and it was fine. Did you show me the real quick? Like it's orgas neck. That's why anal

feels good. Can you cross your eyes? Oh wow, you're really good at it. Thanks. Um, I feel like I'm doing it. Yeah, that's what you look like to me, Like when you talk, I think you look like that in my if I closed my eyes and like, imagine if I was a blind person and imagine what you look like. I think you would look like. We do

it again. I'm glad I could do it. People look when they have cross eyes, oh my god, or one lazy eyes just bad unless you want to be popular like me in sixth grade and you emulate someone's Nancy Roberts. Wait so what you probably wait what? Um? Okay, So yeah,

we're talking about shting you. So you ship one? You said you had a. I had one this morning and then then I went again and it was like everything at like my body is like a temple right now because there's nothing in it, like one of those that's just like oh ayahuasca ship where it's like you get out all the demons. It's just like it was amazing. Are you more of a log person? Or more of a multiple poopies. Um, this second one was the first thing you said, and the first one this morning was

the second one you said. So you had the empty out to get the log the big dead. Yeah. Like sometimes I like like like let's not talk too much about poop, but like all of mine have been very consistent, and like like I am a really I'm really good at that. They're just like I rarely have like, well, you don't enter cheese in your diet, you don't enter breat like you're you are a smooth machine. You have a lot of fiber in your diet. Hurt pretty clean. Yeah, And um, although I did get a lot to the

other day at Starbucks in the well. It was so bizarre because as I got a latte and it just tasted a little different. But sometimes they use you know, instead of sugar free, they'll use regular sugar or and like sometimes they use decaf instead of like there's things that can go wrong. And and I smelled it and I looked at it and I was like, this looks like almond milk. It has this like it's not the

almond milk, but it was. It was they used regular milk, and I drank half of it before my stomach started hurting so bad. Dude, it was so weird and I was getting like gas in a weird area. I was like, oh my god, milk is dairy is so disgusting when you really purge your body of it. And I'm not trying to be like I'm better than you, but like being vegan got me to get dairy out of my system, which I've always heard was better for your skin anyway, and you know, my skin definitely got better after I

cut out cheese and dairy. But um, but man, it was like it was nice to see that that it was the cause of it, because I was like, what's going on with me? This is weird. Um, So anyway, you I go, and I go, it's I go. You're gonna be gone a while, I go. I seriously, I literally went to It took me thirty seconds because I came back in my still have two minutes on it, and I said it for three, and so I came

back the new amazing ratio. You just trying to beat the microwave before you make more things to make you put more poop in your body. It's weird. You eat a lot of liquids and then comes out solid. And I know I always think about if you eat all marshmallows, it'll still be poop, They'll still be brown. Like if you eat that are one color, it's always gonna because it's an acid. But if you eat beats, red, yeah,

that's one that's just that's just blood baby. Um yeah, if you eat beats and shards of glass, it's weird. It comes out red. Um. So I asked you, though I didn't ask you, I just go, I go. Um that literally, I go. It took me like thirty seconds. Like every time I poop, it's like it just comes out so easily. I'm so grateful for it. I was kind of bragging because you go in and you need like a you need a toll story to read. You

you like story. Oh yeah, you're reading toy story. You can like do uh you you spend a lot of time on there, and like you're like sometimes guys like set up shop, you know they have like it's just it's a place where you get silence. It's like going out into the middle of the river. You live alone and you have your own bedroom. You can get silence

anytime you want. You actually you have five kids or something, and all I grew up with three brothers in a mile, so it's just a place that it's like going out on a lake on a on a little canoe and you're fishing and you and there's no rush. You don't want to rush, you know what I mean? Oh see, I don't like And then like the smell is lingering and it's like you're sitting on that's wild. Yeah. Well, and I think you've gotten like a lap dance before, right,

I got laid on on a ship. Were you pooping? No? Okay, so you're sitting on the closed toilet. Um So anyway, Andrew, I'm bragging about taking Noah, this is hilarious. I go, I'm bragging about like, seriously, mine are so fast, and he just goes, do you think? And I go no. I literally he goes, do you think? And I go no, wait, let's do it again. You go do you think? And then you go I go no, No, I knew you knew what I was going to say. And I go, I know exactly what you were going to say. You're

easier to read than a toy story book. You I know what you're gonna say. And he goes, what do you think I was gonna say? I think you were going to say, do you think because you have been a lot of anal it just comes on out? And

the answer is no, No, it's not that. But I've always taken crazy though to think that a poop could come out easier if you're loosening up your butt a good amount more than a regular or not al. Yeah, that that actually is a good point, Like, I um, I mean it's not wild to think that those two

could be connected, that you're training your butthole for a poop. Yeah, I I just don't think it's not just like falling out of my ass though, And I think that's what so many people think about people that do anals, like they just constantly have to have were diapers because poop is sliding out of their asks because they have so much. Yeah, it's like stretched you out. It's just like it's like your your assholes like a rubber band, like and we've

all taken dumps that are way bigger than dicks. So if that came out of your butt, your but would then be you know, so so stop this kind of narrative of like, oh, she's so loose, and even guys say it about pussy. Um, your your pussy can be

insanely loose and never have sex. Yeah, oh yeah. I have friends who have just like really like cavernous vaginas that are super tiny people, but they like can't they Just my one friend, whenever she does an inversion in yoga class, her pussy just like sucks up all the air, like yoga mats start getting like sucked into it. It's like and then when she comes down from it, every single time, she can't help it because she's like, I don't know why, it just sucks it up because I can't.

It's just open already. And she's not like some like flavor at horror, you know what I mean. It's so funny, Yeah, like a black hole. I love just picture and everyone like, no, oh my god. Um. So, we have a couple of things to show you that we got submitted from people, and I wanted to bring you into the conversation about it because it does involve what we're already talking about. We got um can we talk about it right now? Well, we're doing fanther X later on, but these are like

special ones, um that we got submitted. Uh, This comes from one of our listeners. She said, Nikki, I'm so sorry to bother you, but I'm seeing a new guy who loves to go down on me. But it I cannot suck his dick because for one, I'm bad at it, and for two, his dick is a monster. Like. It's like trying to suck a ten inch fist. I got it one third in my mouth and my eyes watered.

L M a O. I'm trying to remember the over the bed position you talked about that allows you to suck dick better, but I cannot picture what that looks like. Help or any helper tips, please? What is that position? So that is one where you lay on your back and you put your head off the bed so that your mouth and throat are lined up in a like a straight line. Like it's just all like like you

were sort of swallowing a sword. That's not going to help though with a fist, Like even if I did that, a fist couldn't still fit in my mouth then down my throat because you have some sort of capacity. I would ask him what other women have done or what what he wants from you. I would also invest in

a cock sleeve. Which would cover a big part of like a girl see one that you can find online, a lot of lube and a cock sleeve so that you can have something that will give you the tightness that isn't just your hands, because if you're bad at it, like you're saying you're you're probably insecure about how tight to squeeze, what to do, and like a cock sleeve with lube will cover the first like four inches of it and you can just do that and then use

your mouth with the other part. I would also watch a lot of snake videos. If you ever see a snake eat a deer, they could really and then die when it pops through your neck. Never see that when a snake just like it breaks inside of it because it's too big and like punctures through the snake. I wonder if this girl is bad at sucking huge cock or like all cock, because I mean, I think she's probably bad at all, yeah, or she thinks she's bad.

I mean, what are some tips. I think what else he could do is wanting blow him when he saw off because he'll get hard. No, I know, I'm just making a few end but I don't know. I mean, yeah, I think you have a good point, though, I think get your hands involved. Try to make your hands kind of a mouth as well, and then stay around the tip come off of it. Some I always like that, let the dick breathe a little bit, switch it up. This one has lungs of its own, so let it breathe. Yeah, yeah,

he has his own blue with yeah. But no, but I think like there's something to be said about you know, paying ask him what he likes, uh, be have an open dialogue, joke about it, be like the thing is there's I know, I know it's either said and blown. But I think like just just just talk to him, be like, look, you've got a monster penis. Let's have fun. That's a good thing. Whatever your concerns are, it's because

he has a huge dick. If no guy is gonna have a problem discussing that, or maybe he isn't secure about it, because some guys are like, you know, there's some dicks. If that is as big as like it looks like a fist like that big, that would intimidate a lot of women and make women scared. So maybe he does have some hang ups about it, and you can hang um your laundry on it and to dry. I mean she could take out some teeth. I mean,

I don't know, there's always that. There's just there's actual apparatus, psigh apparati that you can buy. I think that I just want to empower women because I'm I'm almost talking to myself at a younger age of like how do I I would always hear, like just incorporate lube, incorporate a cock sleeve, do different, Like it's like these things are hard, like to just go hold on, I'm gonna go get in my person and like open a package

that you bought. That's like a weird thing. But I don't think guys are going to be that turned off if you are, Like I heard this girl talk about this. I'm trying it out. I don't know what I'm doing, but let's just give it a world and just use a fucking ton of lube and just give his penis a massage with your uh, with your hands, like just go buck well, do what you want to do and see how that goes, and just even tell him like because then that takes the onus off of you trying

to do good for him. Just say, can I just do what I want to do so then if it's bad, it's because you're just having fun and you don't have to take you don't have to take so much um blame if it's not good, you know, because you're not

trying to please him, you're doing it for yourself. So I think that's a way to and the guy will be really turned on by a girl being like, I just want to do this, And even if it's not good, Guys love when you're so fascinated and like happy doing what you're doing that your enthusiasm can be as hot as if you were really skillful. So if you phrase it like, hey, can I just do what I want to do to this thing? And just do whatever you

want to do. Also, don't worry about like I think there's a fear of like if I bring out lube or if I bring out a cox leeve, he's gonna be like, how many guys have you fun where you feel comfortable doing this? You could be very open sexually and and and not be a horror or whatever how

you think you'll be perceived. But what but you But you're saying that as someone who in like I don't know five years ago would have had those thoughts about it bring about So what could she have said that would make because you would have just thought that they could have lied to me and said I had a huge cock to start. Um, No, no, no, but I think, like I think I wasn't ready then, I mean, yeah,

there is something to like. So what if this guy isn't ready to hear that, it's going to judge her and think she's a slot because she has lube and stuff. What maybe he's not the right guy then, I don't know. And then would you have you didn't deserve to hook up with anyone they would have had loub Maybe maybe if I was being a fucking ignorant idiot, Yeah, maybe I don't deserve good pussy because I'm a fucking dickhead. Yeah,

and and insecure that it means this girl. Yeah, and even if she has sucked a ton of dude, you fucked a ton of girl, Stop sucking. And you can always say that I have this lube. I don't. I've never bought this stuff. This is new for me. I mean, if that's that's probably would be sincere. Honestly, you can just say this girl that I listened to a lot suggested that this has changed her sex life to just dump loop, like go through so much lube it's insane.

And I never used lube before ever. Ever, the other day, I was like looking up in a situation where there was no lube in sight, and I just didn't even want to do it because I'm like, I don't want to go back to using spit or like my own wetness, Like it doesn't that's good. But it's lube. It doesn't. It's it doesn't make me feel insecure anymore. It doesn't make me feel like I'm an old dry woman. It's

like everyone should be using it. It makes it's like, um god, it's like a swimming pool when you are used to swimming in the lakes and you're like, I wouldn't want to go in swimming pool. It's artificial and like it's just it makes everything feel safe and and I'm not worried about what lurks beneath. It's like, well, swimming pools are still they're yeah, they're not a lake and natural, but I would say I would argue they're better. Look,

I think it nailed it on that one. I mean, I don't know if I nailed it, but it's pretty good one, pretty good now a great natche um. I think like, uh yeah, I open dialogue always. Just I really think I swear to you even if you're maybe you talk about it when you're not fucking like, don't make it. It's kind of like when you have Thanksgiving dinner with the family and there's so much build up because you're actually having these like insanely intense conversations. Wow

at the most uh you know, insane time. Maybe talk about it when you're watching fucking Kenny Powers or whatever on TV and be like, I don't know, I was listening to Nikki Glazer podcast and I'm really horny right now. But before we get you know, go in you say, just be like, do you know what I bought earlier today? I know this is really weird, but I like I

was thinking about you. Just say you were thinking about him, like yeah, and just say like this is a like you can you can do horse things and kind of just put them on me, say that I suggested that you do them, and it's true, you know, like we all have to explore these things. No one just goes into using these toys like there's always has to be a first step. No, one is just like a just right out of the gate. Oh, I've been using this all along, Like you have to take that first step

and I just trust me. I wish I would have incorporated loubs so much earlier. Oh yeah, sorry. When going into like a sex toy store, like uh or like you know whatever, like New York, they're on every corner, so it doesn't it really does like normalize it. And I know if there's only like one in your town, it's kind of weird. You don't you want to put on like a mustache and like fake a fake nose to go in there. But there is something about going

together as a couple and it's fun, it's exciting. It's like I don't know, it's like a rush to go in and pick out things that might feel good. It's an adult toy store, like I so go together and make it maybe. And this is for all the men out there, like if your dick is like if a girl is having trouble getting it in her or like it is like oh and like isn't first of all lube second, well, you guys don't underst san that when you give us clitoral like orgasms or like do stuff

on the outside. It want. It loosens us up to accept things. So when people are trying anal out of nowhere, start with a finger. Make sure she comes a lot from the front first. Like sometimes if I'm having trouble like accepting that thing in my body or in some way, I'm like, I haven't come enough, Like I need to

be relaxed, and like let my body relax. Like starting off with penetration with no other like four plate is so important, and it's not just like a little light fingering outside the jeans, and like just because she's wet doesn't mean she's ready for like her, like your body like opens up in a way and relaxes, and the muscles, all the tense muscles relax that are causing you pain when you've come a couple of times from other stuff. And just wait for she says, for until she says

to put it in. How about that. Let's just wait until she's like, please put your dick in me. Then you have consent and you know she's ready. Boom, Let's get to the news. It's scary at and it's so upsetting. I can't even tell you. The face he's making at me is such a bummer. It's judgmental. No, it's it's he's he definitely is not feeling me today. It's such a weird Look. Okay, what's the news today, Andrew oh Man. First of all, I hope you're having all the swells

out there. It's the weekend almost, you know what I mean? And uh, you know, I hope you have a good time out there. Go out on the lake, take a long ship, have anal sex. If he has a monster cock, maybe just bangs the back of your shoulder blades and you put them together. Oh yeah, something hot. Okay, that's a new one. We're gonna be in Charlotte. By the way, we have a second in Charlotte. Well, Orlando is selling well, Charlotte selling well. We got a second show in Charlotte.

We need Charlotte to step up because that second second show is going to be very intimate otherwise, but that could be fun too. So if you're in the Charlotte area, you want to take a road trip in Charlotte. On my website, you can get tickets. That's gonna be a spe soul show because it's the first one sold really well and the second ones like more of like a black box theater amount of people, which I'm happy to do. My agents called me and said, do you want to

cancel it? Because we don't want you to feel sad? And I was like, no, I don't care. I've I've performed for just four rooms so much in my goddamn life. And they go. My my manager goes, this is really a breath of fresh air because we have so many like I want to say, men, but it is men who are so insecure that they can't handle performing for a crowd that's half sold. I don't care if I don't take it personally. Even if it is personal, I don't. So it's for you to get ready for your thing.

And they go, do you want to cancel? And go no, I need I need to do. I need to do sets. And I think sets on the weekend where we're gonna have a blast. It's gonna be fine. And I guarantee you no no offents to the first show. We'll give it our all in the second show. I'm just letting everyone really want people to go, don't discourage. I thought

it was okay, what's the first thing? Okay? A New York City Gale felt bad canceling the first date during Hurricane Ida because the guy wanted to go, only to have an awkward date because the guy was not talkative. So this girl in New York City, Hurricane Ida's hitting, there's flooding. Stop doing things because you feel bad. Stop doing things because you feel bad. Stop doing things just because you feel bad. I got you gotta stop. Guys,

you gotta stop. And I know it's hard, that thing of like, but I'll feel bad, but they might feel this way. It's like if you are not, if you're not maliciously, if you're not, if you're canceling something because you don't feel like it, you're nervous, you got social anxiety. There's a fucking weather event that might you know, take that. You know the subway stations flooding, you might die on the way to it. There's stop this and especially don't start off. That's not this foot you want to start

off on a date? Is doing something because you feel about it. Now, let me say, keep your word. Your words should be bond gold bond. Your words should remember your keep your word, like when you say you're going to do something, but you know, when there's something like Ida, or you're really sick, or you just even if you just don't want to, you're not going against your word. At that point, you're allowed to cancel things. And and I promise you when you were doing something just to

be nice or because I feel bad. My mom says that all the time, NICKI, I have to do this because I already feel bad. Oh that's well, you're let me tell you, you're gonna feel bad if you do things against your will. You're raping yourself everyone. And I know that's a harsh term, but like when you do.

When I used to have sex with guys in the morning after I woke up from a drunken night where I had slept with them because I was drunk, and in the morning we were both sober, and they wanted to have sex again because they were into it and had morning and they had been into it even when they were drunk or not drunk, and now they wanted

again in the morning. And I don't like this person at all, but I do it because I feel bad because if I don't want to, then he'll know I don't really like him and he's horny, and I'll feel bad, so i'd have sex with him. I was raping myself with his body. It was me betraying me. And I tell you that kind of stuff, and that's an egregious example.

But when you do things that you don't want to do for other people, you're putting people other people first, they don't win in the end because you're lying to them. So you're being dishonest, and you betray yourself in a way that it feels the same as like someone you love betraying. You're supposed to love yourself, So stop going against your natural instincts. This morning, when you wanted to go get your coffee, I'm like, just go get it. But you felt bad because you you thought I wanted

it to be like you're walking fast. You're walking, Oh, you're hurrying up onto the airplane. But that's so then you tell him man that so then he slows down for you, and then you say you can speed up. I'm all over the place, don't you see what I'm saying. Yeah, it annoys me when you speed onto the plane when there's it's not going anywhere and we're all having a conversation. Was having anxiety. I wasn't feeling good. Okay, Well that's what you can say you can say I'm having anxiety,

I don't feel good. I just want to go on, and then it's like, okay, it's done. I know I probably said that, and this morning you can go, I'm really hungry. I just want to get it. Is it okay if I go ahead? Yeah? Like, I know you're scared of my response on that, but I it doesn't feel good to meet when you sacrifice what you want to do for me because you're scared of me, and I don't know how to give you license. I just always want to say, like I always go, you can go.

It's like, because when I got on the plane, you were not chill about it. I was just I was just like, why you said it? You said it more than once though. You got back on the plane and you're like you had just like like just you don't see it, but you were like someone had to hurry to be on the plane. Oh, you had to hurry. But I just wanted an answer for it. I go,

you know, I kept saying, why, what's the rush? And if you would have said I just want to sit down and be on my phone, that would answer it for me. But instead it was like do you think they're gonna leave without you. You're they're not think that. I didn't think that. First of all, I said, I got playing, Okay, So anyways, back to this story. Yeah, she was going rock climbing right that, So she told herself, well, I like rock climbing. She's a trainer, so at least

it's like partly for her. She got there to guide in and pay for her. She was waiting for him to pay. Anyways, these people, I cannot believe these people exist, Just like these men that and who keeps pushing for the girl to come during a hurricane, like the guy that is horny and thinks he's going to get a guy that has not come in a while. It's like oh, and uh, and and the and and the guy that's

really capable of making someone feel bad. And that girl probably has parents that used to make her feel bad about her feelings, so she thinks her feelings don't matter. And that's what I mean. I relate to it, like my parents didn't make me feel bad about my feelings, but they didn't honor them. So I always questioned, like, if I feel something, it's probably wrong and the other person's feelings are more valid than mine, and I should

just change my feelings to them. Yeah you should, because I just told you to feel that way, and that's an okay feeling. Next story, Yeah, we both are like that, and I get into that's like the I get into we both I can take advantage of that with you, uh my, like it's a bad thing about me. And I just think, like if I if at that point, maybe I should sometimes just shut the funk up or just be honest and say, I just want to be on the plane. I did say that, though, No you didn't.

You were just like, I don't know. I just I don't know. Yeah, that's me going, I just want to be on the plane. To my in my head, next time, I'll cross my eyes and go I just wanted to shit out, all right, Olivia, And this baby helps save me from myself. I couldn't watch him on something. I didn't watch it. Did you watch what? I heard a lot of people talking about it. What what? What do we Why couldn't you watch it? That's a great question. Um, I don't know. You don't want to be on the plane.

That's want to be on my phone and night. Um, let me really dig into that. Let me really dig into that I am jealous. Okay, so you're jealous of his fame or no, no, no, no, no, I am um there's a jealousy factor of this person. Um yeah, John, Like men get to get away with so much more than women. And not that I'm saying he should be canceled for what he's done or or whatever happened. Like clearly he was struggling with something and he's someone I know, so I don't want I don't want anyone to ever

be canceled. But when I see men getting treated in a way that women in the same position, I think would not be treated for these actions, and the way that Olivia Mann is kind of being more demonized in this situation than he might be, Not that I think either of them should be. Because you can't help who you fall in love with. You can't help what you're addicted to. You can't help when a baby is conceived and when it's not, or when you fall out of love with your I don't blame anyone for any of

that stuff. I just hate how much, you know, celebrity culture, people that are obsessed with celebrities. This goes back to the machine gun cal relationships I learned is when like you feel a connection with a celebrity, like they're your friends.

Oh yeah, I mean Olivia Munn And I'm just going off of I have a lot of anxiety or a lot of aggression about this stuff, pent up from reading the Subredditt du Moi, which is just like these nasty, mean celeb uh obsessors that have a lot of opinions and just you know, have have dragged her through the mud countless times where I kept I have to just

get through the mud. I just have to get off the I have to exit the thing, because I just go There's nothing I could say that would get through to these people to ever sympathize with this woman or to actually like they'll they'll just cite things she's done in the past that I think are super cool and like feminist and like outspoken and herself and because she's they're a little bit like slutty or something. You know.

There was these leaked things that she had written cris Pine, like this like photo book where she like had arrows pointing to her asking like your dick goes here, Like I thought it was so hot and like so funny, and these girls are just like you could tell she was like a bad person. Even then that disgusted me. I was turned off of meat. It's just like for you, it was a leak by the way, so she didn't put this out and even she did, fuck you. And then John mulaney is seen as like the boy Wonder

that they couldn't do any wrong to Georgetown. He's clean cut, even though he's told you in his comedy he's not that nice of a like he has anger issues, like you've seen it in his stand up. But because he wears a tie and parked his hair and talented, talented, and his comedy is mostly clean and accept accessible to the masses, people just don't want to put it on in it. But people were very upset with him because

he went out of character. It goes back to the Trump thing of like, as long as you're an asshole across the board, that's who you are. You're an ass don't shock me, but you know what I mean, Like Millennia, it's like, don't trick me. Like people get mad at that. They're like, you, you had me as a good person and no, you do this one better. People really feeling that way about him. Apparently, yeah, apparently that's why he went on seth Meyer's essentially because it was Yeah, it

felt a little pr That's what I heard. It was like it was almost like his statement. It felt like it was funny. Did he pepper it with jokes? Yes, a lot of jokes. Yeah, I would assume so, And it was I thought it was. I was I was conflicted because it was pr e and it was very hones. There's nothing wrong with pr by the way, like he was trying to make money. You're trying to sell tickets. You're trying to explain to the public in a way that will make them like you. Again, like I can't

blame anyone, so no laughter. So like the jokes, like, I gotta watch it the truth. I think you'll like it because it was very it was I love John I and I love this side of him that's coming out that's like, oh, okay, well, this is this is what I've always I don't know John in a way that I knew any of this, by the way, like I thought, as well as the public, like we're not even like he wouldn't call me a friend, like we're queen's as we're both comedians and get into each other

and have worked together a lot. And Um, but I didn't know this this side of him, but I knew it from his stand up because like you said, like I saw when he told the story of going to his doctor to get out here all that, everyone my cockles got raised, like this isn't a person who's dabbling in Like I knew. He used to drink as a kid and he quit and he was like a severe drunk when he was a kid, and he was one of the reasons I had stopped drinking was because I

want to be as successful as John mulaney. And if he quit drinking as soon as he knew what he wanted to be, I need to do that now. And so when he said he would in that joke where he said he went to the doctor to try to get out of all and then he ended up getting like a colonoscar, like he had a finger up his butt because he lied or whatever it was. Um that I go, like I can predict divorces a lot of times with men when they start talking their wives, I go,

this guy is teetering on something. And the conversation was like it was about the intervention and how even even while the interventions going on, he still had to be the smartest guy in the room, so like they're like, yeah, I already know what you're gonna say. Oh look I know I have a problem. I need help. Like he got ahead of what everyone's letter was gonna be. Yeah, I do that too. Yeah, I know a lot of

these things you were saying. I think of you actually with like but then um oh, I just I would be the same way. Yeah, we gotta go to the break. I just want to play one thing as we go to break. This is Caleb sign In, one of my favorite new comics, who did an impression of John Mullaney talking about COVID. This this, this brought me joy because sometimes I attribute so much like Caleb is a brilliant comedian by the way, I asked him to punch up my special Bang, and like he's someone I go to.

He's just such a good joke writer. I think he's like the next Millaney, Like his jokes are that kind of dense and thoughtful. And he did an impression of John Mullaney talking about COVID, and it made me happy because it just kind of shows that it's comedy is a formula and you can it's there's Mad Lips sometimes and John Millaney. I'm not taking anything from him, but you can you get into a style and then you

can just like it's like Mad Lips Millany too. But this is a great this is actually if Mullaney in this bit, you would go this is a classic lady bit, like it's a well written bit. So this is um. This is Caleb sign and s y n An follow him on Instagram. Noticed people keep asking you how your COVID was not the disease the time, like it was a long weekend. What is this the first day of school? Oh, I had a great COVID. I learned to cook lasagna and I saw the Grand Canyon. How is your COVID? John?

You must not be on Twitter because my life exploded like I wanted I want that. I want to see John do that, and then I wanted John to go into how his life. I mean, they can't wait for the next John Molany. Special congratulations to the new couple and their baby that is coming. And people speculate the baby might be might come sooner than they are pretending that it's going. Too. Are giving you credit our for for releasing it, and you know what all I Did

was released Claire Parker's speculations. So shout out to Claire Parker. And she has an amazing podcast called Celebrity Memoir book Club that you should check out, and you should follow her on TikTok because she has all the celebrity gossip. Claire Parker and she's been a longtime friend of the show who I met through you. I love Claire Parker. But we'll be right back with our weekly sports moments. All right, let's get into it. What's our weekly sports moment?

Andrew gears Andrew's weekly sports moment. It sounds like we redid it to make even more upset. Uh. Let's see here a Clemson football fan inhales tub of mayo, daring Clemson, Georgia Duke's Mayo Classic. I mean, this guy a whole jar of mayonnaise, now coming from someone that neo no no, meo. So tell me. Okay, I'm looking at images of this. I cannot what is this? Is this yearly thing they do?

So people have been known to eat mayonnaise in the stands before this was a Duke Mannise Classic, so sponsored by Duke Mannise. Okay, but it's not like the Freedo's Bowl where it's like every year it's like the same sponsor is a Duke Manni's classic. Have you heard of that before? I have not. That used to be a sandwich used to make and it was just mayonnaise on white bread, right, yeah, Duke. When I got in there, early acceptance stuck um um okay, A lot of people

I love mayonnaise, right, I couldn't do this. I couldn't eat manonnaise out of a jar. I am, I'm not even. I hate when girls act like, oh, I'm so gross out, like I'm gonna bar like vomit in my mouth, Like I am, my stomach is turning in a way. But you do feel that. I feel this one, and I did. I would not have expected that I feel that one, but this. I thought about it one step farther and I go, is there any condiment that can be eaten out of a big jar where you would be okay

with it? No? But mayonnaise, But that's the grossest. But everyone goes, oh, you couldn't eat a jar. You can't eat a jar of sweet onion sauce that you love that subway? Could you eat? No? You so we could eat we love condiments. Me and you are big condiment heads. Yeah, but I condiments alone. The only thing I will lick off my finger alone. And I'm serious with this is a one mustard, not even catch up. Catchup needs something with it, I know in that while though we love condiments,

we want to roll around in it. But if it's just a condiment, but Manny's I mean that one, I I would ab solutely takedown mustard. You know, catch up. Anything in a bucket is going to be disgusting. But mayonnaise, I think tops that it is interesting because I couldn't lick mayonnaise off a knife. Like if I made a chicken souad sandwich, I got a lot of mayo on the knife, I wouldn't. I wouldn't probably cut your mouth.

Maybe it depends if I opened it up. It looks like Luigi is going down on you as he's licking his paw that is where your penis is. I mean, it's just it's quite a site for sore eyes. Would you? Would you what condiment is your like least favorite? And would you? I mean you want sour cream? A bowl of sour cream? Thinking it was yeah, but I didn't know the sour cream. Right, So if you put a sour cream in a jar that said sour cream, not a huge fan, you put it in a bowl, don't

tell me. Okay, I would love it. That's different. Yeah, okay, correct me. I once put mayonnaise on a plum and had my sister wait wait what Well we used to do this thing where we would make we blindfold each other and make like cont auctions and then make each other eat it. And by we, I mean I would make her because I was an older sister, and so I always went first. And I put mayonnaise on a plum and had her fight into it. This was the first Notebook or Shallow may movie. Honestly, I would rather

eat a plum with with Timothy Shallowmai's jizz. That was such a hot scene. I just think anyone I would rather. I would rather chug come that of a man I loved than than mayonnaise. I really would um. But I remember I was so angry because she cried and and we had like a rule of like no mayonnaise, like mayonnaise is too gross, Like we didn't have a rule,

but she knew how much I feared mayonnaise. She wasn't as mannaise verse as I was as a kid, but she hated it and she told my mom and I remember she was crying, and my mom goes, you have to eat mayonnaise on a plum two now you have to. And I ran away from home. I remember I go um. I remember running out the front door and going, I don't know where I'm going to sleep tonight, but I will not do that. I will never do that. I

hate mannise so much. And I ran out and I remember thinking like, this is it, Like I have to run away now because because I knew my mom was serious, like eye for an eye, you know, uh, mannaise plump for a mayonnaise plum, And I was how wrong? How long were you gone for before you came back? And you have to eat them? No? I didn't have to because my mom. My parents were terrible about punishing us.

I don't know about in your family, but I mean their threats were taken seriously at first by us, like we'd be like, oh my god, there parents. They just they couldn't stick it because we we just would cry to the point where it was just not going to happen. But maybe the cry was the punishment. Yeah, just like the thought that they couldn't make me eat, Like I just felt like, how could you, Mom, Lauren I go.

She didn't even bite it. She just licked the mayonnaise and then tore off the the blindfold and saw what it was and was like so and um, yeah, so long were you gone? You think, probably like fifteen minutes? And then I just circled the neighborhood. You know, I don't know. Every time you run away as a kid, you get to about, I don't know, four hundred feet from the house, and you can like I used to pack up my stuff and get and go so many times, but it does eat you. Where you go get kind

of hungry. And I've been gone twenty seconds now, I know. I think that's a really bad sign if your kids keep trying to leave mom and like run away. I love the idea of your mom using a Mayo plum for the rest of your whole child, Like you want the Maynnaid's plum. Yeah, I'm like, no, Mom, you can tell me I can't go to prom and you can take away you know, the screen time. Please don't maybe eat the Mayo plum. I mean their parents have done.

I've heard so many terrible things. Melissa each Signor was on Adam Ray's podcast recently. They put up a clip of it and he was talking about like, did you get like punished as a kid, and she was like, oh, yeah, you know my dad would you know, you go to the kitchen and and and pick out a you know uh or he'd go it in his closet and we'd hear his belts clinking, And I'm just like, oh my god, baby, Melissa, this isn't as adorable of a story as you think,

Like I don't. I really feel so sad for kids that were beating, like you know, punished in these cruel ways, like you know almost um you know intent, there's intent being it, Like when a parent just is like slapped you because you're being a little brat. I'm like, I've been able to forgive my mom for slapping me once because I was a bitch and I deserved it and

it was just in the moment. But going to your closet and grabbing the belt and being looked get over her son, Oh god, I mean, it's just I'm so sorry to anyone an original to at least you something cool like a like a like a step ladder something fun. Yeah. I remember someone telling me that the day his dad hit him, he was just like it was over, Like that just changed everything, Like I just he lost respect

for us, dad, Like that's the thing. You lose respect for your parents because you're like this thing that supposed to protect me is now hurt me, and now I'll never you can never get that back. So just try not to hurt your kids. Okay, let's get to fan Trax. It's time for fan Trax. That is our weekly male dump where we listen to voice memos and um just d m s and different things from podcast listeners. Uh. You can always find the link to leave us a voice memo Nikki Glazer pod in our in our bio.

So let's get to it. No, uh, okay, So the first one up is Andre a message from Andre andre W. Hey guys, this is Andrea in Connecticut. I've been meaning to leave a message of gratitude for you guys for a while now, and finally get into it. I was really bummed when you up ended, but I was so excited when m GP podcast started, especially happy that and Squirt Squirt, but work kept alive those are my favorite.

I take with me everywhere I go. I'm a fitness instructor and a coach, and I drive to work sometimes at three thirty in the morning, and I get legitimately giddy when I get up and there's an episode downloading. It's the best way to drive in and it's always the best way to wake me up on those early days. Um, Noah, I think your voice is amazing. I wish you could replace Alexa in Syrie in my life. And Andrew, I feel like you're the Brian red Band of the Nicky

Glazer experience. For me. You drove me nuts when you first joined and started listening, but now I cannot get enough of the Muttley Dog laugh. And Um, when you finished the intro to the News with you here here first, it always makes me laugh. Well, Nikki, I have to admit I've had a crush on you for years. I think you're the best. Please keep doing what you're doing and what makes you happy. Real best. He's will always support you myself especially there's a lot of us out there.

Thank you, guys for all the swells. Guys are the best. Thanks, Oh my gosh, thank you, andre Ah. That's so nice. Um, yeah, he sounded cute. He did sound cute. Ainer like like, Hi, I'm Andrea, I'm six. Where do you say he was? We make this work? Yeah? I think I think yeah, yeah, he's into you for sure. I know that feeling though of like waking up in the morning being so excited to listen to a thing, Like that's how I feel about the Morning Rady Show. I listened to here and

that we're gonna be on tomorrow. Actually, you guys want to download the arch app. Um, it's the Arch one oh six five in St. Louis. There's like an app and you can listen from wherever and it's called The Courtney Show. And we're gonna be on tomorrow at like eight am Central Time, which is you know, an hour

behind East Coast to or is a head of Pacific. Um. But uh yeah, I feel that same way, Like that makes me so happy that someone also is like giddy at three thirty in the morning when they're headed to work. It's like, just that's why I wanted to create this show. Like I know that feeling like getting up sucks and like having something to listen to that you're excited about. What do you get excited about in the morning, Like I get excited to do this show, but I get

I get excited about coffee. I get excited about my oatmeal. I get excited about Andre. I get excited I'm adding him to the list. I get excited about um, you know, like the good weather, if I'm gonna walk Luigi, and like right now the crisp fall air. It's like summer's kind of melting away in this perfect way. What like gets you excited to get out of bed? Some days lately, Brenna has been sending me texts right in the morning, like I hope you have a great day, babe, You're

great something something positive? Um, which really makes me happy? Or we'll leave like a voice note which I've copied from you where I just saying well and when it's not going to get one baby yeah, and stuff like that and set and Maddie's Maddie Weener was telling me are are opener this past weekend, was telling me that you were sharing some of the voice memos that you and Brenna's shared. She was like, he's so, He's like,

they're so happy. That's good, Maddie, They're so happy. And I'm so excited for them, and I was like, yeah, I think, God, he hasn't played the memos for me. Yeah, yeah, you'd probably stabbed me. And I would just go, these are just you should probably keep these for yourself, and which is so nice to you? And then you just because it's like it's just Google Gaga, like like you know,

John Daddy Drip so so so. Uh that's great in the morning, and then I love, uh, I love getting an email from Noah with the headlines to choose, although it gives me a little anxiety because I want to pick the right ones anxiety, but I guess it just makes me feel like I would never know if you pick the right ones or not, like by me, you want to pick the right ones. I've never won. I don't get like that anxious about especially anymore, but like I kind of have an idea. I send back very quickly.

I don't even read the articles before I go, okay, this head works, headline work. I read the articles and uh yeah, fishing, but yeah, those two things. Really looking forward to, like golf, like golf, TikTok, like getting back to TikTok, Like I look forward to going to bed because I say've read it for bed, Like there's certain things I like to keep till and I'm so glad that.

Like when I used to not eat breakfast and used to like starve all day, getting up was hell because I was just like, I don't get to look forward to eat, like eating and refueling my body and tasting something delicious. You used to have to wait. I used to have to like suffer to get it, and now like I get it as soon as I get up, and that will motivate me getting Starbucks. Aren't you excited about that every morning? Or like putting coffee in your body?

I mean i was a spinach wrap head, but now I'm in a turkey bacon McMuffin uh mood, and yeah, make a good little sandwich over there. We were talking about the egg bites and how did they do it? They do it incredible what they do there. And I'll probably have a third coffee right after this that I'm looking forward to again. But you sent me that you don't want to do caffeine maybe any Okay, Well that all you go. I'll quit if you quit, and I want to let you know I'll never quit. Okay, I'll

never quit caffeine. It's I just gotta I can't even begin to I'm not only thing never. I do have the Alan Carbook for Quitting caffeine. It's on myself when I'm ready, but it's it's seriously, if you want to read about caffeine addiction, I only send it to you so you understand when I say how bad caffeine addiction

is what it really entails. Because people go, Nikki, it's not as bad as a heroine, uh, you know, withdrawal, and it actually it's it's kind of worse, and it last two and a half years, and it's so easy to get and it's terrible when they put that in on it. But next yeah, we've lost a couple of thousand people in the last minute due to that. But uh, Starbucks, get it together, Okay. Next up is Ben and funny enough, we we talked about this earlier. Hello, NICKI, Noah, and Andrew.

My name's Ben. I just wanted to give a thank you to Nikki and also just a p s A to anybody listening. Um, I have like a friends with benefits situation going on with this girl that I met on tender like a month ago, and we tried anal recently, and I just wanted to give a thank you to Nikki because, uh, from listening to the podcast, like I was so excited, Like I was able to just be excited because I felt so prepared, like I had no I feel like I didn't have any false expectations of

what was going to happen. You know, I had the lou Brady we used to butt plug um, and I feel like everything was super smoothly. So I was really

grateful for that. It was awesome experience. But um, the p s A is something like I never realized, like in porn, is that they have such a strict, like uh regimen for keeping themselves clean, like if you're going back and forth from asked to vagina and I didn't realize that that's like not something you're supposed to do normally because of U T E S and stuff and so what we've done it more times since then, and recently this girl that I've been seeing t I and

so that's just my p s A. UM. I thought it was funny though, because Nikki doesn't have vaginal sex, so I guess that's not a problem for her, That's right. That's interesting that my fans know that about me. So to have someone I don't know say, well, Nikki, you don't have vaginal sex. It's just so funny that that's uh information people have, and I'm glad you have it. Yeah,

that's that is you forget. Once you go in that hole, you can't really go in any other places, not back in the mouth, not back in the veg unless you have like a wipe of sorts that re you know, that takes off any bacteria or you know, um, you know. Now I am in a position where I could do that other it could go other places, because honestly, when I'm ready to have that kind of sex, that area

is cleaner than my mouth. You know what I'm saying, Like it's my my asshole should get offended that something that has been in my mouth is going in it. You know what I'm saying, Like, there's more likely to be shipped in my mouth than you know, before I have Atle's eggs than my assholes scared of getting ginger vitis, your asshole. Yeah, I'm flossing daily back there with a thong. Um. No, it's the I will say the anal douche has changed my life and um bread no, uh, what was this? Ben? Ben,

I'm you're an anal douche. No, no, no, you're not. You're But I'm so glad to hear that, Ben, Thank you so much for That's all I want is like people to feel comfortable going into these circumstances, because I know how uncomfortable I felt and how long it's taken me to get to a place where I finally am like having sex I want to have and I'm not

being embarrassed about my body or what it does. But I'll tell you like sometimes though, like I you know, I'm wanting to hook up and the person is coming over and um ducan and douction and ducing and it ain't gonna happen like you're supposed to do it till the water runs clean like three times and it's well, I am thinking about Brad Pitt with long hair when it's all happening, Uh, you know, fly fish and just flicking that God so uh that's the smell going through

the room. Um yeah, I mean yeah, the back and forth you gotta watch out for. But I'm so glad you're having a good experience. I'm so glad that, Um, you just people that I wish in the past, when I have been really like adamant about everyone to try anle, I wish I would have come with a lot of caveats of like a ton of lube, don't ever do it without loube, do not just rely on your spit, and do not just go right in with your penis.

Start out with plugs, start out with a finger like don't especially if you're doing it for the first time. Do not and don't feel like a failure if your dick isn't going in and or she's being like it hurts like that she shouldn't just be able to accept a dick right away in her ask That would be insane. And then also to its like I was saying, for your vaginal hole to loosen it up, use a vibrator in the front part to get everything else like relaxed. Okay,

one more to read. Mayonnaise sponsored just throw it out in the pus there down there in Shat Carolina, they just use I bet do honestly, probably would they do down Let's go to final thought. Okay, so the last one is an email from Grace Hey, Nicki, Andrew and Noah. I was scrolling through Reddit and came across a post on ask Reddit that said, the last thing you googled

kills you? How are you going to die? The last two things I googled were the milk Crate Challenge and Bart the Bear heard it here first, Well, that is not looking good for you, Grace. Um. I think the guy named Bart is going to challenge you to the milk crate and you're gonna or a bear? Like, what does that mean for her? Then? Like, the two things you googled are going to kill you together? Well, here

it is. If Bart the Bear tries to do the milk Crate Challenge and lands on top of me and crushes me to my death, please play a tribute song on guitar on my funeral, Nikki? Will you? You shouldn't have done the Great Challenge next to a pair? Um, that's hilarious. And yeah, there's a lot of different ways you could interpret that. Um. Okay, the last things I googled I can't even let me just pull this up and see. Okay, August lyrics and and uh oh, let's see.

I want to find a good one. August Lyrics. And the thing is I do I do like? Um? Um like Uh, what's it called? Private? Private viewing? Private search for so much of my stuff? Um? That okay, spreader bar, spreader bar and August lyrics. Let me tell you, and bring a spreader bar into my life? Is a really changed things? So so August lyrics. Um, I feel like you'd be reading the lyrics, you'd get a little emotional.

You go, hey, let's bring out this redder bar, and then the spread you'll spread too far and you rib your body in a half. Um, that's not possible with the spreader bar. But I guess, yeah, you're interpreting. Yeah, that's an interpretation of it. I think the spreader bar I have on. I Um, I start singing August. The guy that's put me in the spreader bar leaves because he's so annoyed. I then can't get out of it. One of the lyrics is August sipped away like a

bottle of wine. I decided to start drinking again. I have the spreader bar on. I can't walk with it because it keeps my legs spread open. And then I fall down some stairs and I and I pass away like August did. That's my interpretation. What about you? My last two Google churches was golf stretches, which, okay, what we we case close? Yeah? Yeah, how did I kill you? I literally just did a stretch. My hips are so tight. I went to that stretch place yesterday and uh, they

stretched for you. They it's great, It's unbel Yeah, it's better than a massage. I honestly would highly recommend it to and I did it before I did Dancing with the Stars. I went to um like massage Envy. One of their packages was just stretching. And then what you think? Because I wanted to learn how to do the splits. The guy was not good at it. I need to go to what is it? Stretchy It's called stretching and cryotherapy. I think I'm gonna go. I want to go get

stretched out. I want to learn how to do the splits really bad. And I think that that's just about stretching those muscles. So was it painful in a great way. It's painful for me, it won't be as painful for you me. They literally go, okay, tell me when to stop. I got to stop, you know what I mean? And

then they get a little bit further. Yeah, and then you go against my favorite part and they go farther and then they go against it, and then farther and then against it, and that when they go breathe out and breathe in, because when you breathe out, for some reason, when you exhale, you can take it more. It was interesting to talk to me like really that much like she didn't want to have conversation. I could feel it, and at first I was, really, you can feel that

friends with me where you want to be. It's like, no, just sucking, like she's just wants to stretch me. I love when people just don't want to talk. I know. Usually I do like that too. They're in a massage, but for some reason, because the lights are on, it feels very conversational environment. It's not like otherwise it's just going, Yeah, you just wanted to You almost wanted to defray the tension that you felt, not only in your legs, but like feeling so tight and like, let's joke about how

tight I am. We should do crowd therapy too, though, I think we might like it. Yeah, I would try it. I'm a little scared of it. I mean it's funny they go, well, three minutes you spend in there, and it's like very very cold. Yeah, and they go just waitful to see the money. That's true, we'll give you the money back. Like some people go in there and literally after five seconds they go nope. It's like those those challenges at a restaurant. If you eat it all,

you don't have to pay for it. But in this one, if you don't eat it all, it's like a movie. If you leave early, you get your money back. Yeah. So it's kind of cool that they'll give you the money. That's really nice. Be down for that. I recommended because I hate stretching, I hate yoga, I hate any of that ship but somebody can I can? I can I

offer something? Stop saying I hate things. No, no, no no no. If I if I follow a YouTube video where you're like, I want to do these stretches, but I need someone to do them, I will stretch you out if you will do certain foot of a certain foot thing for me that I've found on YouTube that I just need someone with strong fingers to do. And it won't be sexual obviously. Brenna can be on FaceTime

and watch us do these things. I just we will have to touch each other and like we'll make grunting noises. But I really just need someone to do this, and I can't ask like a sexual partner to rub I'll put on a sock. There's no bunny. My Bunyan doesn't have like an open store or you could use a tool. Yeah, you could use a tool, but you might we might need to have like yeah, but it needs to be like sluw like that. Like I just I really I think I find a while to reverse Bunyan's from this therapy.

But I can't go to Australia to have these guys work on me, even though I'm literally planning a trip around it. Well, let's call freaking uh what's his name? Andre, He'll take care of it and contact me and I will book you a Southwest flight to get over here and rub my feet. I mean, I just want a Really, I just feel like bringing this video to someone at a massage place. But but actually massage places get so weird about like, actually, this isn't the type of therapy

I do. They feel like they know better, whereas you don't have any kind of you know, steak. Yeah, so you're not going to take offense to me being like, don't do it that way? Do it this way. It depends. If you start slapping me and saying don't just work okay, well then we shouldn't do it all right, guys, thank you for listening to the show today. We will be here next week as always. Thank you, so come to Charlotte. We'll see at the late show in Orlando. We're gonna

be there Friday and Saturday. Friday, Orlando, Charlotte on Saturday nine show has a lot of tickets available. Come to that intimate evening. It's gonna be a wild show. And um, thank you so much for listening. Don't be cut out there and dig Jacks h