127 : Overcoming Perfectionism and Finding Fulfillment with Matt Drinkhahn

So they're first world challenges nonetheless, if anyone out there is listening ever feels that way, they're frustrated, they're overwhelmed. things don't go exactly perfect the way they want 'em. They are working themselves to the bone and they are, they're tired at the end of the day. They don't have time for their dear loved ones. these are the people that.

I love to serve and coach in my professional business, as an executive coach, where I coach recovering perfectionists and highly functioning workaholics to scale their business and keep it simple. a little bit about me personally is that I am a father of three lovely daughters that are eight, six, and four. And my sleep schedule is somewhat interrupted from time to time. A few parents out there can understand. I have an amazing wife, Julie, who is way outta my league.

I think that she only got with me because I can make her laugh and I'm tall and for whatever reason that, that drew her to me, I, the laughter and the tallness. But those of who see me on YouTube, opinions vary, but I believe I'm decent looking, right? but really where I shine is just being authentic and connecting with people and being very transparent. So those are some things about me, that the audience would know. I have a podcast, the Eternal Optimist.

Podcast, so love to help people frame things that if they're ever just stuck in their own mind or having a real tough time inside, then I love to help them, share some positive light and learn from the challenges. So those are a few things to, to kick things off today, Adam. Sounds great.

And I woke up and literally I was so exhausted that I could not get up. It was the first time in my entire professional career that I physically malfunctioned. My body would not work. I was seeing blurry, I couldn't get up. I was so exhausted. I had to call Kevin and man, I'm so thankful for Kevin. I had to call Kevin and say, Hey, I can't run the interviews today. I can't come in. I need a day off. Cause I'm just so exhausted.

And Kevin, for the life of man, he went in there in all his interviews, so incredibly grateful to him. But that day I realized that I am trying to do everything myself because it's gotta be done in this very specific way to this very high standard. And I cannot let anyone else do it. I've gotta do it myself. And that was a great lesson to learn.

I'm so glad I learned it at 24 because, I don't know if I would still be around today if I was still burning the candle like 80, 90 hours a week at work. if you look at another challenge that came from this workaholism, it was what cost me every relationship that I had in my twenties and early thirties, Adam. Is that I would go so hard working and this is a six or seven day phenomena for me. This isn't, nine to five.

This is the entrepreneurial life of wake up and then go to bed and you work in between those times. No vacations, no, nothing other than work hard. There may have been work hard, play hard in there too, but I look at it and I didn't spend any time personally with any of the few women that I dated in that time, and I feel bad for them. I should probably go and try to reconnect with all of 'em and say, I'm sorry.

Because I thought that I was doing what was best for the relationship by making a lot of money and working really hard, saving for the future. And in reality, I was satisfying my own need to achieve, accomplish and do things on my terms the way I wanted 'em. I wanted to be in control. And the way that perfectionism shows up is that we have this desire to control everything. And for me, that showed up in, everything I did. So I may have said that I'm doing this for us, dear.

And what was really happening was, if I'm willing to admit it now, is I was doing it for my need for status, for accomplishment, for achievement, to look good in my father's eyes. that was what was really driving me. And until someone pulled the veil back and said, Matt, you are the cause of every challenging and every relationship you're having, you are the one that is the bottleneck in your business.

Until you let go of that perfectionism, you're gonna keep having this challenge over and over again in your life. And that is what permeated my relationships in my twenties and early thirties. Adam is, that perfectionism and highly functioning workaholic. Yeah. Yeah.

And I sometimes think that it's like I'm doing this to set us up for the future, but in reality it's not really earning that much money right now. Or, hopefully that will change soon. Yeah. But. Also, we don't need the money because we have two full-time jobs and we do just fine and we save and live within our means. So what really is it adding?

And so that, that's to say that there are other benefits, but I think there needs to be a little bit more structure around it because otherwise it can just be on my mind all the time and cause me to not be present when I'm with my kids or my wife because I'm thinking about, oh, how am I gonna write that podcast pitch email? Or how am I gonna do this? Or what might this look like?

Do I go and keep leaning into the podcast, leaning into my next book, leaning into my business, leaning into whatever, at the expense of loving time with my wife, loving time with my kids? so my answer to that or my thought around that might be a question. And I think that's the thing, is what question can I ask that can help me to clarify what I want most? And I think the question that's coming to me right now, Adam, I'm curious what question might come to you?

For me, it's how might I achieve and be fully present as a loving husband and dad at the same time? So how do I get better, at what I do or more efficient at what I do? Or, how might I prioritize things more effectively so that I can achieve and be present for my wife and for my kids? And I don't think I've always been that. I think it's been business first and failing gets what's left over.

And many of us and entrepreneurs can connect around that Many of us who are, stressed at the full-time career, W2 jobs or whatever. But by that, we work and the kids or the family gets what's left over. So how do we shift that paradigm? And I feel that over the last five years since joining the front row dads and being a part of some groups I'm a part of with accountability, be able to shift that. It's all in the question that we're asking ourselves.

Are we asking ourself a question in envisioning a place, where we can have what we want most? Cause I want, I think we want the same thing, Adam. We wanna be the best dads husbands. Sure. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. is that in our daily question, is that a part of our regular daily thinking routine to ask, how am I showing up as a dad today? How am I showing up as a husband today? How am I showing up as, a member of this family today? Yeah. Yeah,

We go out to the garage, I push the button on the garage door and it will not open. And darn it, some sound happened, Adam, where my garage door would not open and it snapped and it broke. And now my cars are stuck in the garage and I unlocked the mechanism, try to lift the door, and long story short, was not able to lift the door by myself. So in that moment, I can get really frustrated, ticked off. My coaching calls are gonna start late.

My kids are gonna be late to school, my wife is gonna be inside. This is gonna stress her out. I can think about and make statements in my mind about all this stuff that's gonna happen. I can worry about it. Or because I've been practicing this with my coach. But with your help, when you were on my show, I've been envisioning how might I respond when something out of my control happens in front of my kids. All right, so the second that garage door popped, it wouldn't open.

My question becomes, How might I model this behavior for my kids and connect with them right now in this experience? hey kids, guess what? This is an opportunity for us to have an adventure together. So what do you wanna do? I offered up some choices. You, we can order an Uber and take an Uber to school. all three of us together in the backseat of an Uber. Yeah. Or we can make this a scavenger hunt and we can go to school together and walk to school. it's 1.25 miles to the school.

We can walk to school together now, which would you prefer? You, so I gave them a chance to, for us to, either way we're gonna have an adventure together and do something together, right? The el alternative is, man, this sucks, this is horrible. And I'm so ticked off and everything's gonna be late, and I'm so stressed out. and instead, because the trip wire in Matt's brain through a lot of, discipline, lot of work has become, how might I turn this into a chance to connect with my kids?

How might I turn this into a moment to model something for the kids? So it's back that idea that when something adverse or challenging happens, how might we program our minds to see first and think in terms of questions that serve us rather than statements that judge the situation and get us angry and stressed out. That might be the way that I would interpret and use mindful fire is by practicing the art of thinking through questions when challenges happen. Yeah,

And it's, I think of it much like any other practice, with mindfulness, The training and the practice of mindfulness, I'm able to create some space between the stimulus and the response, So Something happens and hopefully I take a deep breath and I give it some space before I start, going into whatever mode. And sounds like I could also add, what question might be helpful here. and I really like that. And back to your question you gave me, what, how can I achieve and, be present for my family?

I think that, yeah, there's. Certainly it is just creating some boundaries, right? Like creating some time in the day, carving out some time or what I was telling you before, I'm gonna be taking off a day each week over the next several weeks. I have a lot of vacation days to use. And also I wanna invest in this program that I'm investing in. financially. I want to invest time and energy.

And the best way to do that and to achieve in that way is to have that time when my son is at school, the nanny is here with the baby. And I would normally be doing my normal Google work, but I can take a day off and I can do that. And what I also love about that is it's an opportunity for me to practice what I preach, right? And I am encouraging people and going to be encouraging people more as I go forward to really design their ideal day.

because my whole thing is you don't have to wait to finance your independence to live the life that you want. You can design that ideal day and then just like take a day off and live that day. And so that's what I'm going to be doing here. So it's like serving multiple purposes, but when my son gets off school, I'm not gonna think about work at all. I'm not gonna think about the side hustle at all. I'm just going to go and play with him and have fun and go do something cool and then, yeah.

it's, achieving that, that question.

So we get into this reactive mode where we wake up, we grab a cup of coffee out the door fast, kiss a baby, hug your wife, go to work, come home end of the day, and then go straight to dinner, and then go straight to tv, put the kids down tv, relax, bed. And that might be a day, roughly how a lot of people live it. No judgment. By the way, if anyone lives that day, I've lived that day a number of times. Sure. Too, if there is an ideal day out there, what might that look like? and the idea.

Yeah. yeah. What do I look like for you? and here's the exercise for the listener at home. and both you and I can keep doing this as well, Adam. it's, writing down what might that ideal day look like? That question may be inaccessible for some people, because it sounds like an overwhelming challenge sometimes to create an ideal day. So I might just start with.

If you could design or engineer the first 10 minutes of your day What would the first 10 minutes of an ideal day look like on a regular Friday for you, for example? and for me, I would love to wake up on a day, like a Friday. And the first thing I do when I get up, I go in the bathroom, I brush my teeth. I like to get that fresh feeling because for me, once I brush my teeth, I feel like I'm really awake and alive for the day.

So I go in there, I brush the teeth, and this is like a minute and a half or two minute thing to brush the teeth. The ideal day for me is to wake up, go in there and brush my teeth. And when I'm doing it, I'm really just present and cool and at peace with it. And if anybody really resonates the idea of how do you stay present, cool.

And at peace when you start your day, one way might be, Take, brushing your teeth as an example, or drinking a cup of water or going downstairs, reading the paper, or stepping outside, whatever it is, the first minute of that first thing you do when you wake up, do it mindfully. Wait a second, Matt. what are you saying? That doesn't sound like you're saying that much. It may not seem like I'm saying much When you start to practice mindfulness.

The first minute of brushing my teeth, do it mindfully. Feel that carpet or rug underneath your feet. Feel your body acclimating in your, whatever your pajamas look like, or if you're just sleeping shirtless, feel that air in your bathroom, on your body. Look yourself in the eye, in the mirror as you're coming alive. Feel the bristles on your teeth. Yo, do the first minute of that first thing. Do it mindfully, and then do that. Commit to doing that every day for the first 10 days.

And it can literally transform the way that you start your day to do that first thing mindfully for one minute. That's the exercise, that's the challenge. Oh, and by the way, I didn't mention this in the beginning. I maybe should have had a disclaimer. This is going to be very challenging. It's gonna be hard because you're gonna feel like nothing's happening. Why am I doing this? you're gonna feel like this is pointless. I am already brushing my teeth. I'm already getting up.

Why would I do it mindfully? What does it even mean on the other side of that? Here's the advantage of the benefit, is you're teaching yourself how to be present. And it takes reps, man. It takes discipline to do that when you can learn to be present, there is a level of inner peace and joy and happiness that you can find in anything that you do when you learn how to do things mindfully. This is how it all starts in the first one minute of whatever action you do.

In the first 10 minutes of your day.

That's a different experience. it's a very different experience. And having my son as my alarm clock since he was born, probably not the most mindful or useful approach. So I really like this idea of just starting mindfully. And one thing that. I know both of us have done, or you do and I have done to varying degrees is the Miracle Morning. And we can we can talk a little bit more about that. the Miracle Morning thing I was doing that, love the concept, love the book, did it for a while.

Then my son was born and all went to hell. Yes. And I have not gotten back into it because he wakes up at it, it was later I could have been doing it, but now he wakes up at like between five 30 and six 30 every day. Mostly before six. Yeah. And

And because our first child was one that, went straight to the bottle, didn't do breastfeeding easily, went straight to the bottle. Julie and I shared midnight duties or 2:00 AM duties of feeding it. Now, to be fully transparent, Julie did that 90% of the time. And I'm familiar, yeah. When I would get up to try to do it, sometimes she'd already be up with it or sometimes she was so tired she said, I can't do it. And I went and did it.

And that's still out of every, let's say one month of that I probably did it. Three or four times in a month, and she still got up every night and did it. So praise to her for that. but I still did that miracle warning cuz I was able to sleep. So I started doing it when my kids were, when my first child was alive, I started doing it and it didn't have too much of a negative impact to my miracle warning.

Now fast forward, about two years later to three years later, my first daughter starts to come downstairs. And I used to think she was interrupting my miracle morning time. And in reality, I had the frame that this is an interruption. I had to frame that. Now I'm not able to do this Miracle Morning stuff anymore. And now I have to parent. And that was totally, that's an acceptable frame. Okay? Here's a different one to try out.

The different one is now, instead of, this is a hindrance, this is, I cannot do my Miracle Morning anymore Now. How my daughter helped me to elevate my miracle morning practice, right? So she comes downstairs, I'm ready for it, and I've got a coloring book ready for her. I've got, some kid's book ready for her. I've got something over here that she can do that's complimentary to while I'm doing my miracle warning. And we now both do it together.

So in any given week right now, when my first daughter or second daughter come downstairs, the eight and six year old come downstairs, they've got something they can do and it's not, I have to parrot them. My morning is now off or it's canceled, or it's whatever. Now it is. I get to do this, they get to do that, and we all get to be present in the same room doing it together. it's not a hindrance anymore, it's an elevation of the experience with them. It's simply shifting the mindset to do it.

And I feel that gives me a little bit of that mindful fire we're talking about is now, I feel on point when they come down, how does this elevate my family rather than how does this just make me have to stop doing what I wanted to do? it's totally different mindsets. Yeah, absolutely. And it works great. Totally

It was the best. Yeah. And I was in, yeah, when I was doing that, I was in like the best shape that I've been in recent memory because I was just doing that little bit, but I was doing it every day and it, it felt great and it started my day off. And so recently I've been thinking about how do I create the conditions for my son to entertain himself and do something while I'm doing it? Coloring books certainly thought about that.

I feel like sometime I've been, saying I was going to sleep so early or so late, watching the N B A playoffs, I was watch, I would come down and put a show on for him and then I would just like sleep on the couch next to him. but sometimes when I'm gotten better sleep, I like will just go in the other room next door and meditate. And so we've got a little practice there.

But I think you're totally right that it's all about the way that you frame it and this is an opportunity for him to be involved in this Yes. And to start developing these habits and to see me doing these healthy habits. So I think it can be either or, and I've felt both for sure. Yeah.

And they'll think the peanut butter is what's doing it right. So the pill and the peanut butter is what you just described. It's modeling for them, modeling for our kids. these habits, these routines, this thinking, this behavior. And if they come down, the first thing they see on my face is frustration, that now they are interrupting me, then that's not the way that I want them to see. When they see their dad for the first time in the morning, right? Or to start the day.

Yeah. Or to start the day. So I think you're totally right. I think it's the framework we take to the table When they show up in the morning, it's how do we take our mindset from one of this is a hindrance, this is an annoyance, and shift it to this is an elevation. Or how do we take it to a place of, I envision that when my children are 18, God willing, they graduate high school. If that's still a thing in 10 years, I think it will be. I think it will be.

So they, they graduate high school and I envision that they say to me, dad, I thank you for everything you've done, to help me get this far. I envision that in their head they're thinking, my dad really loves me and I can do whatever I put my mind to. And that's what my version of success looks like as a parent up until that 18 and 20 year old framework for them is they think that way. If I'm envisioning that, then how do I reverse engineer that to happen in real life?

And I feel that we're, we've stumbled upon something that is instrumental in the process. it is how I show up every day to help them see, and I'm modeling for them, these habits, these thinkings, these behavior patterns so they can see this is what it looks like, to be at peace with yourself, to, work on, being a better husband, a better father, a better human. that's what I'm modeling every day.

I want them to catch me doing it, and especially when they come into the room or when they're present, I want them to catch me and see me modeling that though. Yeah, I think that's important.

and it's on all of our phones. We call them alarm clocks forever. I wouldn't call it that anymore. Now I look at what I have over here on my phone and now it's not alarm clock. it's time. So when you look at my iPhone over here, I've got, like nine different, times that are set up to notify me that it's time to move into this. It's time to move into this next stage of the day.

so rather than the frame of, this is my alarm clock jarring me to life, the first thing that comes on when I have at 4:30 AM six days a week when this comes on, the words it says on here are, it's time, and it's got a smiley face and a heart, and a couple of, arrows moving up, in a sun, right? It says it's time. And then the next one that comes on, it comes on half an hour later. that's about the time I'm finishing some exercise. It's, it says, crush the day, right?

In every one of these, you might call it alarm clock. I have a, a little framework I use for it rather than call it alarm clock. I call it, this is the stage of the day and this is how I wanna show up in this time. So nice, tiny, a little tweak. But I think about it as if my kids are the alarm clock, that means that they're jarring me to life.

What if my kids are, the signal where it's time to be loving, or a signal for it's time to model patience, or it's a signal for it's time for me to show up and give my best. Just the tiny little things we can do mindfully that can help our inner narrative. those are the things just get me all jacked up about helping people find joy and happiness and inner peace. it can be in some of those daily things.

like the first cup of coffee, I've seen some people, and I know my wife used to do this and I used to do this. I need that first cup of coffee before, I'm awake and alive in the morning and don't talk to me before the first coffee. Coffee. Cause I'm a grmp of sores. by the way, that, that's a highly technical kid term for you out there. Grpa sores. Yeah. A grmp of sores, right? Yeah. So I think about it instead of, I need that cup of coffee to come alive.

I instead, it might be this cup of coffee, is gonna flow through me and provide even more energy, and more support or more love for the day, or just some framework that empowers rather than allows. So that's the way I like to think about starting the day and designing the ideal day is the framework of everything that, that I intentionally put in the body or put into the mind or put into my world. it's really designed to be that ideal experience. Yeah.

And this is what I highly encourage everyone to check out this Miracle Morning. But I remember starting to do it, Adam, and it was like a game changer. It was like a brand new lens that put over the day of I can actually control, man, there's my word as a recovery perfectionist. I could control, how I enter each day and I can do consistent exercises and activities that really help me prime the day. And the Miracle Morning is great for that. And you don't have to do all of it.

You can do some of it or any part of it you might want. Just think about it. What if for just 10 minutes a day, five or six days a week, you woke up and you did something that nourishes your soul, you did something that helps you. In some way every day. Imagine it's like that old adage I heard from Jim Ron, and Apple a day keeps the doctor away. it's not 365 apples on December 31st. It's not a chocolate bar a day. Keeps the doctor away, even though I like to eat chocolate.

No, it's compounding every day. What if you spent 10 minutes on yourself for yourself, every single morning, every day for a year? Imagine what you could accomplish. And that's like real, like envisioning or mindfulness to me. It's, taking that time every morning to pour into yourself, to pour into your own need. It helps you get what you want, and to keep building on this idea of the miracle mourning. there, there are six parts of it in the book.

and I'm not gonna go through every single one of them, but you can read the book and check it out. I will share one of them, the one that really helps me. Maybe the reason why we're doing the show together right now. Is that envisioning process. One of the parts of Miracle Warning, it's Savers is the acronym the V is envisioning.

And ever since we met in October, almost seven months ago, I've been envisioning, or envisioning to use your term, envisioning what a great day might look like for me today. how am I gonna show up in such a way so that Julie, my wife, says, Matt, you are a great listener today. How am I gonna show up today so that my kids say Daddy loved me and he really paid a lot of attention to me today?

how am I gonna show up today so that my clients feel I'm fully engaged and adding value and holding them accountable what they said they're gonna do? These are questions that I literally sit here and will take about two minutes from each of those questions and think about and envision in my mind, who am I today that's a good listener to Julie? How am I showing up? Who am I as a good dad today?

And if I don't do that, I am, I my own patterns and habits and I go out there and I'm not, always paying attention to my wife and to my kids the way that I feel I could be Right. Ever feel that way? you go to work and you crush it all day work. You feel really successful and you feel great. You come home, it's oh, I'm so burned out and I come home and, my, my wife and kids are right here and maybe there's a little bit of conflict. Maybe there's some yelling.

And now I just worked really hard today to help provide for the family. And I come home to this and I, it makes me frustrated. I, and I didn't like feeling that way. So I practice and envision how I'm gonna show up when I walk into that circumstance at peace and ready to be present for them.

And so I think it all comes together really nicely and I think those are very practical ways that people can set themselves up to have a great day. Whether they can design their whole day or they can just intentionally ask the question and choose how they hope to show up in. Various moments, right? With their coworkers, with their boss, with their clients, with their family, with their friends on the road, right? yep. When someone honks at you, right? How do you want to show up?

And to create some space to actually ask the question and practice it in your mind is essential to actually being ready when that situation presents itself. So I think that's a really powerful practice.

It's a challenging circumstance that you can reasonably predict is gonna happen again and again, that we might prepare for. and I'll give you an example and I'll give you a personal and then a professional example.

The personal example might be when my children are and I love them to death, and when they're just being kids, a six-year-old and a four-year-old sisters, sometimes they might get into a little disagreement and they might start to, elevate their voice, maybe yell at each other, and it may feel like they're going crazy at the moment. And when that happens, there was a part of me a number of years ago that would yell at them to stop yelling at each other.

And that, just think about that for a second. I want them to stop yelling, so I am going to model behavior of yelling at them to stop yelling at each other. It sounds kinda ridiculous and I've done it way too many times. Me too. so yeah, we're being real transparent here. I started to ask the question of, when they start to yell or when they start to trigger me, How might the ideal dad, Matt, show up next time? And this is the question.

So we're talking about questions that are triggered in your mind when you have challenging circumstances come up over and over again. so when the kids start to yell, if the kids do some behavior that challenges you as a parent. The first question that comes up in my mind now talked to me by my friend Adam, right? another friend Adam that taught me this. It says, this Adam, he's sitting on my shoulder and he says to me, How might ideal dad Matt, show up right now?

That's the question There shows up in my mind when the kids start to go nuts, right? So that informs my behavior of the ideal dad. Max shows up, patient, cool, calm models, emotional intelligence models. This cool behavior. And by the way, I'm not perfect at it. And I do get frustrated and I'm just like everyone else out there. Definitely not perfect. And I've made progress on this over time by practicing this idea of asking yourself a question when you're triggered, right?

So anyone at home can do that. You're prepared that when you're triggered by something that's the kid example, right? When you're triggered by something and what's the question that might come up in your mind when the kids are behaving in such a way that's unbelievable or challenging for me? Another question that comes up in my mind, what's the worst that might happen if I don't correct this behavior right now?

So as a recovering perfectionist, I want to control everything and I definitely don't want them to. Disrespect dad. And then for those who can't see me, that was, I was making some facial movements there. there was some

So if you know there's some behavior that's going on and I want to control it, I want them to stop that and learn, is it best for me just to shut 'em all down and teach them that whenever you're behaving in this way that it's not good enough or you're not enough, I'm not saying if they're running out in the road in the middle of car, that's an instant. Gotta yell, gotta stop them. That's different. Or if they steal candy from the grocery store line, that's different.

We've gotta correct that behavior immediately. If they're doing something, like they're standing up at dinner rather than sitting down at the table, and they're going off and bouncing off the walls has served me better, to teach and coach and develop them by yelling at 'em. In my mind, it does not anymore. So now what's the worst of mine happen if I don't correct that behavior? And I let them use some of that, that leash to test their boundaries and to see what happens and they learn from that.

And some of you might be thinking, they're learning that I can walk all over dad. in some cases I gotta determine what's okay and what's not okay. There are some clear boundaries, but I'd say just being able to see and identify your triggers and have a question in there that is the essence of what we're talking about is what's the trip wire to the question. Adam, these are a couple of examples.

If the kids trigger you and we both have young kids, so that, that's why I talked about it, I'd love to share an example if it's something like in your business if a coworker, and it can be a boss of yours, it can be an employee of yours, a peer of yours, just if a coworker does something that annoys you or just gets under your skin or frustrates you, how do you respond to that?

this happened recently and when I was coaching someone, when they got an email that triggered them, made them feel really defensive and judged and had to defend themselves. So what did they do? They fire back instantly reply all. it's not done that way. The expectation was set. You're wrong. it was pretty much all the dos and don'ts. they did all the don'ts in that email, and I would coach them to do this, and I did coach 'em to do this.

When you get triggered by someone that sounds pretty judgey or sounds, makes you defensive in an email, the first thing. I might encourage you to do is ask yourself, how might I be benefiting myself by responding in an aggressive tone right now? And there's not really many benefits if you respond back in a reply, all email, corporate America, if you go right at it right away, reply all to everyone.

So the question is, how might, by sitting on this for a little while and going and talking to the person, be a better solution than firing off an immediate email? That might be the trigger for the question you might ask if you get a bad email. or if yeah, someone owes you something, they owe you a follow up, they owe you as the leader. they owe some accountability and they don't do it. A lot of leaders, the first thought is, Hey, where is this? You didn't get this on time. You're fired.

Or, what the heck is wrong with you? Why can't you be counted on to do this? they fire off in some way like that, and my feedback might be, If someone doesn't meet the expectation that you set with them, then how might I use this as a learning opportunity to enhance and improve my leadership skill? so I ask how I might get better at this. So I just coached a team of 17 that leads a, an organization of a couple thousand. I'm coaching the 17 leaders this past week on this exact subject.

And many of them just get straight into defensive mode and just start poking, prodding, challenging everyone, and they don't get to the heart of why the person was upset or why the person was behind, and really support them through it and help them learn from it. I'll extract out of the weeds for a second here, just to share that when you get triggered, if you know what your triggers are and you can reasonably predict they're gonna happen again and again, and how might you trip?

Wire your thinking and set a trip wire in there that causes you to ask a question that can serve you. That's the thought. Yeah. No, that

I need to close it. I, there's no chance I'm responding to that right now. And it has served me very well because I learned the hard way, like you said, ask the question what good could come of responding to this now? And yeah, How might I benefit from taking a break before I respond to this? How might that result in a better

I used to get stressed out about it, and now it's man, how might this actually be here in the moment to teach me something, So if it's not perfect, I'm more okay with it now than ever before because I've practiced through this envisioning technique. Being prepared. What happens if I'm on stage and I forget what to say? How might I use that as a learning moment and teaching moment for the audience in the crowd?

So if I forget what I'm saying in a speech, which I did years ago, I'm speaking at a real estate conference here in Charlotte, North Carolina where I live. There's 125 people at this luncheon, and I'm two minutes and 47 seconds into a speech, and I play in like the first 60 seconds of every speech. So I'm, I knew where to start. I'm about two minutes and 47 seconds in, and I just, Adam, dude, I totally stuttered. I lost my train of thought.

I just trying to say, James clear's Atomic Habits book the, aggregation of marginal gains, right? In chapter one. I was trying to tell that story and I just blah, blah, blah, came outta my mouth for five seconds, couldn't put those words together. so I had a deer in headlights moment. I literally lost my train of thought, got totally uncomfortable in front of everyone.

And because I had been envisioning this practicing this, In that three to five seconds of blah, blah, blah, which then led to about three to five seconds of silence. The tripwire question that came up was, how might I actually enjoy this moment and learn from it, rather than freak out? How might I enjoy this? Learn from it. So I remember that three to four seconds of forgetting what I was gonna say in the speech. I looked around at everybody and I said, holy cow.

This is what it's like as a professional speaker to forget where you were in your talk. Soak it in everyone. This is what it's like. Okay. Let's move on now. All right. And that, that was it. That was pretty much one of several responses. if I lose where I am in my speech, then just keep going. But that was. Three to five seconds of the question in my mind and what I said out loud. And they're, that's okay.

I want them to know that I'm human and fallible and make mistakes and imperfect and, yeah. Anyways, yeah. Thanks for, let me share that story. Sure.

Judges think in terms of statements, right? Learners think in terms of questions. So I've worked on this over the years to change the internal dialogue to become one of a question. So you gave an example earlier of what if someone cut you off in traffic? a good example might be, man, that person's a jerk man. That person's horrible driver, man. They know what they're doing. that's the judger. The learner is, man, that person over there. I wonder what's happening in their day.

Cause them to do that, you know what's happening in their world that causes them to. Cut other others off and drive erratically and aggressively. So I, I like to ask questions instead of make the statement, because that puts me in the learning mode to see things through the lens of other people. and that's a far more powerful, and inner peace driving mode than one who's always judging and controlling, right? So that might be, one thought to what we'd said earlier.

So to keep moving forward, I wanna go back to one, one other thing you shared earlier, Adam, we talked about design. The ideal day was one thought. And the second thought you had earlier was, around making that switch, going from the end of your workday into the family world. I might call this some compartmentalizing your workday, right? So if you go back and think about, some people have a real difficult time.

In fact, most people have a really hard time with switching from work mode to family mode. and having that balance, that harmony in between. And I remember I struggled with this for the longest time. It's always empty tank at the end of the day for the person I'm in a relationship with or even my kids. So how do you do that? There's a couple things I'd encourage people. Here's a couple of tactics that you might be able to use right away. Team. It'll help you to compartmentalize your work.

One thing, it's gonna cost you $11 to do this. and it's so worth it. And it's so funny, those of you on YouTube can see I have just picked up what I call the, the cell phone jail. But at the end of the day, whenever I finish work, I was wondering what that was back then. Oh, I pulled it out, man. I pulled it out for a reason cuz this little oh boy, little plastic, $11, cell phone jail is the funniest, most ridiculous thing in the world.

And every one of my clients gets one when we start working together because, This is one where if your trigger or your barrier to, being present with your spouse or being present with your kids, if it's your mobile device, which it is for a lot of us, and I'm very guilty of this, which is why I have this, whenever I finish up work and normally I finish up work at the exact same time because there is a signaler on my phone.

Remember not an alarm, there is a signaler that signals it's time to be the best dad I can be and the most present husband I can be. So when I get that signal from my phone at 5:01 PM Eastern on Monday through Thursday, I then take my phone and I open up this little cell phone jail and I put my phone in the jail and it stays in there til at least 7:30 PM cuz my kids go down at seven and I'm free by seven 15 to seven 30 to hang out with my wife. But then it's not present phone.

It's not present when the kids. after work. That's one way to compartmentalize, is to remove the distractions, remove the things that trigger you. And I know that a text message will trigger me. Email is not so much anymore, but a text message will trigger me to pick up my phone, look at it, respond, and not be present with the kids. So that's one thing is to put that phone on ice in a cell phone jail. A second thing. An even more powerful thing, when we meet face-to-face in person.

you're gonna notice this right away. Everyone does. They always comment on it that in my front left pocket of my clothes, there was a bulge. Now, hey, guess what friends? Keep your mind out. The gutter, the bulge is this I'm thing I'm showing you on the screen right now. It is a little squeeze ball of a smiley face, okay? And I always have it on me that for in the shower, this squeeze ball right here is how I compartmentalize from section to section in the day.

And the way I do it is that anytime I'm getting ready to switch from this podcast to the next exercise or coaching call to, practicing my golf game or time with my wife, Julie, to time with the family, anytime I'm switching kind of mindset or switching the frame, I'll grab this little smiley face, squeeze ball, and I call this, I learned this from Tony Robbins. I'll call this my emotional anchor, and it anchors me from place to place.

So I will give it, I'll give it a squeeze, I'll take a deep breath, and I'll give myself permission to move that next place in the day. So at 5 0 1, on most regular days of during the week at 5 0 1, I'll grab this, take a deep breath, pause, and give myself permission to move that next part of the day. And I used to have to put the cell phone in jail to get away from the phone. Now I do it instinctually, so I'm away from the phone. I've got this little squeeze ball.

It gives me permission to move to the next part. And when I do tell myself, you know what, Matt, it's time to let go of that part of the day and move on to the next part of the day. And that's how I go from each part of the day to each part of the day. And it takes a lot of practice and it's very challenging. And the benefit of that is that I don't have like e emotional, hangover from work to playtime and hangout time with the kids.

I'm not carrying the heaviness of, I still have 52 emails in the box I didn't touch yet. And I give my, myself permission to let those things go. they're gonna be there tomorrow. They may still be there a couple days from now. And if I don't ever respond to 'em, guess what? If they're that important, the people will follow up again anyways. Yep. But I give myself permission to let go. From activity to activity. What do you think about that? How does that connect with you, Adam?

And that goes off and normally about half an hour into the day. And it's exercises wrapping up. The next one is 5:30 AM 5:30 AM So I've done the Miracle Morning for an hour at five 30. I unload the dishes and I make the lunches and I get ready to make breakfast. so that's be the best dad. Now, every day I'm awaiting the kids to come in. Six 50 is always an active alarm or pardon of me. Actually, this one kind of is an alarm. This jars me out of complete playtime and fun time with the kids.

And it brings me to, you know what, now this is a signal. It's time to get to work because at 7:00 AM is when I do my livestream every day, on my social media accounts. 10 33 is text. My wife, I'm very intentional that I have these certain times throughout the course of the day that I send my wife. Just funny shit, man. Like literally I will send her the most outrageous, memes and gifs, that I can find, and I will send them to her at 10 33 1 0 2. Here's 3 45. 5 0 1 here comes again, 5 0 1.

That's the time. Be the best role. I could possibly be as a husband and a father. Look at this. Seven 15, I got Julie. Quality time, I got a little eggplant and donut. Use your imagination. People. That's a joke. But at the same time, it's quality time with my lady, So it's time for us to hang out. and then from there at 7 59, I put down tea time. and then the tea time is when I literally boil some tea and have, some teeth end of the day to decompress and start to go into wind down mode.

But those are my alarms. Sa slash I call them signals on my phone that signal me to go from each step of the day to the next one. Got it. That's what it looks like. Yeah. Very

You talked about the 10 minutes, day investing in yourself. You didn't use the word investing, but it is investing, right? And there's a compounding effect of that. How do you think about investing in yourself more broadly?

I invest quality time into things that I really give me energy that I enjoy. I love to play golf. I'm playing golf today in about three hours from now. Cannot wait to do it. Love to do it. That's how I invest in me is find things that give me energy. for example, you and I are in a mastermind class together. That gives me a lot of energy to be learning something. So I invest in myself. I'm in five mastermind groups like, wait a second. That's a lot of stuff.

Matt. How do you find time for all that? those are the things that are for me. I make time for my children every day. I've got at least four hours every day that are uninterrupted with my children. I've got at least three hours every day that are uninterrupted with my wife, right? So for the rest of the time in there, I've got at least 90 minutes every day just for me. And I take on Fridays. I do a lot of investing in Me too, so it's with my mastermind group.

So of course one of 'em is with Dustin Rickman's profit, podcast Accelerator, working on how to be a great podcast guest. Hopefully we're showing up today. Your listener will be the judge of that, or the learner of that. Think you're doing great, right?

pro Rod Dads is another mastermind in to be the best, family man with the business that I can be, I'm in another group called Tribe of Investors, investing in myself to, to learn the tips and tools and strategies, for being a great investor, right? So these are three of the main groups I'm in. I've created my own masterminds going live here in about five months from Fright Town today. So excited about that. I make time to read every day.

So these are things, and by the way, if anyone's like Matt, that's overwhelming. That's a lot of stuff. It's not quite as overwhelming as it might sound when you really take a hard look at your priorities and you design, this is the way that I'd like it to look. And what I'm describing right now, today was not the way that it was eight years ago, six years ago, even one year ago. It takes time, discipline, practice, and the benefits are outright amazing.

And with investing in yourself, I'll give you one thought around financial independence and when it comes to business and making money, I think this could be helpful to people. There is such a culture in America now to keep up with the Joneses. To have this glamorous life and share it on all your social media accounts. I think about financial independence as being free from a lot of extra wants. If you wanna be financially independent, one way to do it is make a lot of money.

Another way to do it simply to want less and be really comfortable and present with what you have, So to circle it back to what you described in the beginning is that you're doing well financially. You're living be below your means. You are doing well. You personally, you're doing well at that. I'm doing well at that.

The old thinking of, I need to achieve, I need to accomplish, I need to get more and more, that may not be serving me at the age of 46, the same way that it was serving me when I was single at 27. So I believe, yeah. Now how do I get to a place? Where I'm totally comfortable, happy, satisfied, and happy. Like internally, happy with myself and my circumstance so I can be present with my family and be present with people I love the most.

And the, my conclusion just keeps coming back to be happy with less want less, and I'll be happy. So that's part of the financial independence puzzle for me is wanting less, being happy with it. So that's a thought about how I invest in the, with masterminds and working on wanting less and being really present. Those are some thoughts. Very cool. Very

I was in a really challenging place where my back was messed up. When I hit the ground, I saw stars and I turned into a question mark. My back was messed up. I'm glad I'm alive. And my, so I got really messed up in an accident and just fell out of the sky. yeah. Just fell, hit the ground. Just fell and hit the ground, landed on my butt bone and, it

and it's not like 300 feet up in a Costa Rican jungle, I'm only, I say only with a grain of salt. I'm only 25 feet above the ground and my feet are like, by the time I was falling, I'm probably about 12 to 13 feet above the actual ground when it broke. Still, I, at the time, I was a 250 pound man at, 40 some odd years of age. And it, it was catastrophic what happened in my body.

Yeah. But the reason I share the story is cuz it led me to a place a couple months later where I had to have, for the first time in my life, an r i and if anyone here has ever had an MRI and has a claustrophobia, this is actually a very challenging place to be cuz they load you up in this tube, in this machine.

Then they, once you're laying down the machine, you're laying there just in your t-shirts, your shorts and your underwear, whatever you're laying there and they push the button and they insert you laying flat into a machine and you cannot move in this machine. And it starts to get hot. Loud sounds are hitting you from every direction. And it can be quite terrifying.

I didn't know about this cause I never had one, but people that, when I told 'em I was getting one, they told me stories about how they couldn't take it. They had to be pulled in and out of it and they could never finish the m r I. So I was actually a little bit, maybe a little bit intimidated by this going in. Here's where the envisioning came in. The, I knew that if I were to go in this MRI machine out and open my eyes, I was done for her. I was gonna probably freak out in my head.

cause I don't like to be confined in a small spot. I'm a big boy. I'm six six, so I was about two 50 at the time. And, I didn't want that. So I, they put me in the, and I decided that I was going to envision myself playing a round of golf. My eye was gonna stay closed. I was gonna play a round of golf in that MRI machine. I was gonna be in there for about 45 minutes. So I went to the course that I play in my mind a bunch. That was Charlotte National Golf Course. Local course in town.

And I played the round of my life. I think I birdied out and eagled every hole shot like under par everywhere. it was great. Yeah. Why not? Why not? Why not? So I envisioned that. Okay. long story short, I go forward in time and once all the back stuff was resolved, and by the way, it ended up in a spinal surgery, which I survived and came out of and thank God, I was able to walk again. Cause I ended up in a wheelchair for some time and very, and it was disabled.

Couldn't do much of anything that I was used to doing. but past all of that is where the envisioning came back. My first round of golf, back after the surgery and after all of this, I played that golf course that I envisioned in that M R I machine and I shot one of the lowest scores in my life. I shot a 64 and at that golf course that happens to be 700 par I had shot 700 part in years. And I used to play pro golf.

I've shot that, but two times my whole life, my first round back after all of this stuff, hadn't swung club in a long time. I shot a 64, almost exactly the way that I had envisioned there because my mind was free and clear of it. So the envisioning process, what I needed to really hone in and focus on what was in my mind, I did. And I just kept thinking about it and I kept envisioning it.

And before you know it, it happened like almost a year and a half later after the accident, I was back playing golf again. And yeah, that was seven years ago, almost today. Wow. Seven years ago that had the surgery. So anyways, that was the example of envisioning.

That's the basic advice. Now, that's 1 0 1 advice that most people don't even take that advice. No judgment. If you don't, by the way, anyone out there, it's an opportunity to try that. That's what my dad did, And he was never the highest paid person and never rich financially, to the best of my knowledge. And he saved 10% of everything yearned.

And by the time he died, unfortunately died, actually he died this week, 18 years ago on Memorial Day, 18 years ago he died and couldn't find out, I didn't know this at the time, but he had. Saved quite an amount, because of saving 10% of everything. So that, that's financial piece Number one is level 1 0 1. I'd say the level, like the higher level financial advice is get yourself around people that have money, that have financial wisdom to share.

Because every person out there who's broke or living check to check, they have financial advice to give. And I'm not judging them from them sharing advice. I'm simply sharing that take with a grain of salt. People who offer advice, who don't have the thing that you're wanting advice for.

And if you even go to Tim Ferris's book, tools of Titans, where he interviewed like several hundred, billionaires and famous people, and people that are like the iconic names out there and all these different industries. 80% of 'em have a daily meditation practice of some kind, right? So my advice is, if you're gonna do it, then stick with it. Do it intentionally, right? Stick with it and do it intentionally. And I believe you'll be able to, succeed doing it.

Now, if I had to give you a resource, I happen to have one right here at my hand. there is a woman named Tara Brack. And she is the voice, at least she was the voice of the Calm app on your phone, which you can use for free. She's that meditation voice. And this is the first person I start to meditate to her voice and her meditations. Now, I still do it every day. I do it with the Peloton app. oh. Yeah. and my, so that's it. Stick with it. Very. All right.

So if you're someone out there that you know you're working on your business to grow it, to evolve it, and there's stress, there's anxiety, there's overwhelm around, man, how am I gonna get clients? How am I gonna keep clients? I've got a masterclass that I'm teaching around how to get those clients from the moment that you meet them, the conversations you have to walk 'em on the path to get 'em to become a client. Then onboarding them. That specific phase of getting clients at will.

That's what I'm gonna teach people. And if you're interested in that class, then feel free to reach out to me at Matt drink on at any of those different places that I've mentioned. And if you do reach out and you mention. This podcast, A Mindful Fire podcast with Adam. You do that. Then there are gonna be a couple of free resources I send your way right away. So reach out to me right away.

mention this podcast, mention the masterclass, and I will send you free resources on your path, to achieving what you want your business. So yeah, thanks for asking, man.