Hey, it's friend Mel and welcome to The Mel Robbins Podcast. Are you ever just going about your day and then out of nowhere comes this thought? And it's not just that. It's like this thought just gets stuck in your head and then you get the sinking feeling in your gut and you start to feel yourself brace. It's like you're paralyzed. You feel it in your body, you feel it in your mind and next thing you know, you're spiraling? That's dread.
And I know you've been dreading a lot lately because you've been writing in and telling me about your dread over the election while it's normal to feel yourself brace in these moments of uncertainty. It doesn't have to be that way. You don't have to live like that. And today you and I are going to stare down that dread that you may be feeling, that thing that you may be bracing for and we're going to dissolve it.
With three big takeaways, these are simple tools you can apply in your life right now whenever you feel yourself brace. I know. There's a lot happening and there is a lot on your shoulders right now. It feels like the world is holding in one big breath. But today you and I are going to exhale. It's your friend Mel and I am so excited that you are here with me. It is always such an honor to be able to spend time together with you.
And if your brand new, I just want to take a moment and welcome you to the Mel Rob's podcast family. I'm thrilled that you're here. And I know that you're the kind of person who values your time and you're interested in learning about simple ways that you can improve your life. And I love that you chose this episode because we're going to talk about a topic that feels heavy, but we're going to unpack it in a way that is going to be so empowering.
And I wanted to talk about the topic of dread for a number of reasons. And the first reason is because here in the United States, there are two things going on that people are dreading. One is the fact that it's the time of year where we turn the clocks back and so it is literally dark at four o'clock in the afternoon, at least for I live. And people dread this. The other thing that's going on right now is we're in the middle of a very contentious election.
And I got to just say right off the bat, we are not going to have a political conversation today. This show is a respite from all the tension and politics and scary news that's going on globally.
But all of these things, whether you're listening in the US or you're listening in a country where there's contentious politics or you're torn apart by war or there's something going on in your family, we all have experiences where there are things going on outside of us that feel way beyond our control.
And in those moments in life, whether it's winter coming, whether it's something extremely important like an election and how that's going to impact people and their rights and what's going to happen and how it impacts the economy at a national or global level. These are really important issues. Maybe you have somebody in your family that's gotten a health diagnosis or you have or maybe there's a conversation that you need to have with somebody. Maybe you're breaking up with somebody.
Maybe you need to talk to somebody about their drinking or you're worried about them. Maybe you need to give somebody feedback at work or you have a huge test or presentation coming up and you're bracing and you're dreading it. I want to talk about this experience that is extremely normal and it happens more in your day than you realize it, which is bracing and dreading something that is happening around you.
Whether it's global, whether it's national, whether it's seasonal, whether it's in your family, whether it's at work, whether it's in your love life. Heck, you might just be dreading the fact that you sent a text to somebody a couple days ago and they haven't responded. And I had this experience recently that made me think about this because my husband and I went away and it's the first trip we've taken together where we've gone away for more than a long weekend.
No kids, no friends, no kind of work to do while we're traveling, no family to visit. First time Chris and I have gone away for more than three days a long weekend in 28 years. Like the last time we did this, we were going on our honeymoon. And so we go away and we went somewhere spectacular. We went all the way to Bali and it sounds so sexy and it was absolutely amazing and it's a place I've always wanted to go.
And one of the great things about traveling for work for so long is I have a bajillion airline points. That's the only good thing about traveling for work. And so we go all the way to Indonesia. We have this fantastic time where we do nothing. We run a scooter, we're driving around in the jungle. We are doing yoga classes, we're reconnecting, turns out I really like Chris.
I can't know after 30 years of being together, we really like each other and I'm really excited now about all this time that we can spend together. So we're flying back and we have to take two flights. This is like a 26 hour trip and I'm just talking the amount of time we have to spend in planes. So we fly from Indonesia to Dubai and these planes, I'm like a kid on these. These are the biggest planes I have ever seen in my entire life. I had never been on a plane that's a double decker.
I didn't know there were planes that have staircases. I mean that's unbelievable. And so we get on to the plane and like both planes, both ways are double decker. It's literally like walking into a shopping mall that lifts off the ground and flies. It is just fantastical to me that human beings have figured out how to take something that big and get it off the ground and keep it in the air for that. Well, I mean, it is just mind blowing. So I'm just super excited, right?
And I'm not a nervous flyer at all. I've flown so much. I've gotten over my fear of flying. And so we are on the fourth flight. We have gone to Indonesia. We have had our amazing trip. We have flown the first leg back. We changed planes in Dubai. I know we have a ton of fans that listen to the show in Dubai. So hi, a lot of you said hello in the airport. True about Indonesia too. Lots of fans. So so fun to meet you guys. We are on the final flight home. I am so excited.
We are three hours out from landing at JFK. We are on the double decker. Like we're up top like this is so fun. Chris sit next to me and the cool thing about a plane this big. These suckers don't move like this is like flying on a stick of butter. I mean, this sucker is cutting through the air. There's no bounce. There's no nothing. There's nothing. So we are over Iceland. Hello to our fans in Iceland. And all of a sudden the plane starts like it's like you're on a boat.
You got a light chop right? Not a big deal. That starts to feel like you got rollers coming. So it's now like at this sensation. This thing's the size of a shopping mall. I mean, this is a big object for it to be going up and down some rollers in the sky. And that's one trick that I use when there's turbulence. I just close my eyes and I think about being on a boat. Choppy water. Choppy air. All of a sudden the captain is like. Can you turn this please? Take the sheets. Take the sheets.
Please take the sheets. And I'm like one of these people that's hyper vigilant. So I'm like, is that alarm in their voice? I'm detecting a little bit of nervousness. When that happens, I start looking for cues. So now I'm looking as the attendants are racing down the aisles for hints of nervousness. Are they concerned? Do they look scared?
And there was definitely, you know how like when if you've ever valet parked your car and you come out to get that and there's the valet jog where they sort of trot to get the car, they're not like running. This was faster than a valet trot. So a little bit of speed in there and I'm like, okay, slightly concerned. I thought that was okay. Because I'm already slightly concerned that we've gone from light job to this shopping mall in the sky is now starting to go up and down.
I want to tell you, this is the worst turbulence I've ever been in my life. This plane and this sucker is huge is literally swinging left to right through the air. It's not even going up and down. It's like you can see it swirling. And this is when I realize, oh my gosh, Helena, the hurricane. This is probably all that wind.
Now the worst part of this other than the fact that when this happens and you feel like the trays bouncing and people's luggage bouncing and the planes kind of going through like weird things, shapes and stuff, the pilots are not saying anything. And I would just like to make a public service announcement to every airline and every pilot who may be listening and every pilot in your life. Please send this to the pilots in your life and to the people that work at the airlines.
Could you please train pilots to just give us a heads up? Because you know this is coming. And if you simply just said, hey everybody, just want to let you know we're about three hours out from JFK and due to the, you know, Helena, we got some strong winds. And I think we're going to go through some pretty significant shop and some rock for the next two and 25 minutes. If you could just strap in and for the safe, like in a calm smooth, velvety voice, I would have no problem.
I'd put my headphones on and be like, okay, you've told me the time. I don't have to worry about this. I now know with a certain level of certainty that we will survive. The pilots know this is coming and the pilots are actually in control. And so they're warning us about this. But when this stuff hits and there's that nervousness, literally, I need to be wearing a diaper at that point. Like I am like, what is happening?
And haven't you ever noticed that the second that they make that announcement and you're like, I now need to go the bathroom, but now I can't get out of my seat. Now I'm trapped with my bladder and the fact that I have to have diarrhea right now because I literally feel like I'm about to die. And that's exactly what happened. I didn't poop myself, but I started bracing. And the worst the turbulence got and the more time that went, the more I just went south in my head. This sucker's going down.
I am never going to see my children again. Why did we go to Indonesia in the first place? We didn't need to take a vacation. I should have stayed like, I'm never going to see my daughter's wedding or meet my grandchildren. I'm never going to go like, I just literally just go south. And now I'm in full on brace mode. And the interesting thing is my husband's been meditating for 15 years.
The man was sitting there like a Buddhist statue with his eyes closed and his hands in a mudra as I'm having a full blown brace. I'm about to die moment in my seat, which goes to show you something. You can choose how you respond to the things that are happening around you. Chris was not allowing himself to get the concern. I, on the other hand, was spiraling and in a state of bracing and dread and just like, oh my gosh.
And the thing that's interesting about this is I'm a very pragmatic and rational person, very logical person, even though I'm super emotional. I could think in my head, okay, this is just the tailwinds and the winds from the hurricane and the likelihood is X, but I can't grasp those rational thoughts when I allow the dread and the brace to take over because I'm now convincing myself for about to die. And the fact is that there is nothing I can do to change what's about to happen.
I can't fly a plane. I can't change the weather. I can't change what the pilots are going to do. The only thing I have control over in that moment when I brace and dread and fear take over is what I can do and how I feel and what I allow myself to think about and what I don't in that moment. And seeing Chris so calm made me go, okay, let's just take a deep breath.
And one of the first things that I did because this is one of the things I've learned over and over and over again, not only in the work that I do, but with all of the people that we've talked with on the podcast is that there are approaches in situations where there's a lot of uncertainty. And again, if we go back to the broader topic of just uncertainty around you and what you can control and what you can't control.
And even when everything is major high stakes, like a very big election or a country torn apart by war or a wedding that you need to call off or a diagnosis or a funeral, even in those situations, there are things that are within your control and things that are not. And what I have found in my life is that I am very easily hijacked. I brace, like I can slam on the brakes and hit the bracing and do the alarm as better than anybody. It's like, let's go. But it doesn't help me.
In fact, it hurts me. And the worry that consumes me and the death spiral of the thoughts and the racing heart and the stress and the bracing and the whole mechanism that is your mind and then from the neck down your body. It actually hurts you in those moments. And that's what I've found over and over and over again. I have avoided breaking up with people for over a year because I couldn't move through the dread.
I have avoided getting out of bed at the worst moments of my life because I couldn't move through the dread. The dread is not the problem. It's that you allow it to consume you. And I want to talk about the fact that there's another way to meet these moments. And what happened on that plane is I tortured myself for probably 10 minutes and I death gripped Chris's hand. So like my wet, slimy, sweaty.
Now I'm grabbing the poor man and I'm like basically not only if I like snapped him out of his mood raw and his meditation state, but I'm almost like breaking the digits on his hand as I'm gripping it. He kind of snaps out of the energy. He's like, I'm really scared. And he's like, let's breathe. And so he did this technique with me. You may know it. It's box breathing. It's just a simple technique. I even know this. And here's the thing.
When you start bracing and when you dread something, what we're going to talk about today is that your physiology, your neurology, your psychology overrides everything that you know. And you can't access your tools. But the tools work. Box breathing is forbrests in, hold it forbrest, breathe out for forbrests, hold it for forbrests. That's it. That's all it is. 4444. It's a box. So Chris is like, and I start counting. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four.
Out. One, two, three, four. Hold. One, two, three, four. And get into this rhythm. And the thing about box breathing is it signals to your body that you're okay because you're slowing your breathing. And when you're bracing, what you'll notice, like if you've ever had to break up with somebody, that walk up to their apartment or up to the public cafe that you're meeting them at because you know you don't want to be alone when they explode at you.
And you want to be able to get out of there after you've had the conversation and said what you need to say. You want to go. You don't want to be trapped where they are. That walk up, oh man, you don't even breathe on the way there because you're bracing, walking into a hospital to have a procedure. You're bracing. Turbulence on a plane, bracing, waiting for election results, bracing, waiting for winter to come, bracing.
Very normal experience, but I'm here to tell you and teach you what you can do in moments when it feels like the world is spiraling out of control or your family is or your heart is and you're dreading what you need to face. And you're scared about how things are going to turn out or you're avoiding it because you don't want to have to face it. There's another way. There's a better way.
And there are simple tools we're going to teach you today that I use when I can remember them and that you can use because I'll tell you what happened with the plane. Nothing. Like the captain came on and you know, started talking and the co-captain came on and he started talking and they were like, hey, sorry about that. Like super casual. I'm like, what, what?
I've been sitting here literally, I've got a, I've got a movie in my mind that you guys are freaking out and you're so busy touching all the dials up there. They get no time to make an announcement for the normal people back here who are literally freaking out and planning their funerals and texting everybody that they love. I love you. I said, which I did. I sent the, I love you, chat in the family. I'm so proud of all of you.
I didn't want to worry them by saying, I think the plane's going to go down. Like you don't want to do that, right? So I've got this like whole story in my mind. It wasn't true. We're just up there bouncing and riding the waves and doing, I don't know what. They're like, hey, sorry, sorry about that. We're looking for some light air and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, we got 10 more minutes.
I'm good with that. I let go of Chris's hands and it's like crumpled up now because I've been like death ripping it like Iron Man. He goes back to the mooders and the meditating and I put my headphones on and I start listening to my book again.
And that's how quickly you can settle yourself if you understand the wave that comes and you understand that you have control and you understand how to settle your body and then you pay attention to the input that you need so that you can redirect your own thoughts. Yes, you will be hijacked. No, you do not have to stay there. In fact, I don't want you to because you, bracing, doesn't help, it actually hurts you.
And you have more power when you learn how to settle into these moments and stay present and calm and focused on what's within your reach and what isn't. And that's exactly what we're going to talk about today. So don't you go anywhere because I want to hear a short word from our sponsors. And when we come back, I'm going to introduce you to my colleague Phil and we are going to unpack this incredibly interesting and important and deep topic about dread.
And I'm also really excited because at the very end, we are going to answer some of your questions. Our inbox has been filled with questions from you around the world about the things that you are dreading. And it's one of the reasons why I wanted to talk about this. Not just what's happening here in the United States. I wanted to talk about this because this is happening in your lives around the world.
And so at the end, we're going to dive into some of the top themes and questions that we're seeing from you at melrawons.com slash podcast, which is where you can submit your questions. So let's hear a word from our sponsors and don't you dare go anywhere because I'm going to be waiting for you after a short break. Stay with me. Welcome back. It's your friend Mel. I am so glad that you're here with me today because you and I are going to unpack this topic of dread.
And I wanted to talk about it because of just kind of the, I don't know, just like the emotions that are happening in the US right now, but also because of what you are writing in about and what's happening around the world and the things that everybody dreads from the little things like getting out of bed in the morning to the big things like a big diagnosis or the state of politics in the country that you live in. Like there's so many things that make you brace in life.
And so we were talking about this as a team and there's a new member of our team named Phil who has joined us as a producer. And he started sharing his story about something that had happened in his life that was personal that related to dread. And so I was like Phil, how about you hop on the mic with me tomorrow morning? Let's talk about this. And he was like, game on, let's go. And so Phil, welcome to the Malarov's podcast. Thank you.
It's an honor, Mel. So Phil, I would love to start with, why don't you just kind of share the story about what's going on in your life that had you feeling this sense of dread? Sure. So, you know, my father, a very stoic guy, doesn't kind of tell you when he's having a problem, just gets on with the day. But he started to take a turn in his health, wasn't feeling very good. And eventually we got an answer. And the answer was, he was diagnosed with cancer. This was about a month ago.
Now the doctor told him it's very treatable and immediately elayed any dread he had in the moment about that, just by giving him the facts. But then he said, let's do a PET scan just to make sure it hasn't spread. Okay. That's like three weeks away. You don't go right into the hospital and get the PET scan, you're on a list. You wait. Okay, so now let's go to that moment. Like what happens for you, Phil, when, okay, your dad gets a cancer diagnosis, everybody he's tenses up and starts bracing.
Okay, now it's a treatable cancer, now we're relaxed. Now we're back into the PET scan. Like what happens for you when dread hits you? Right. So, well, in that moment, you know, the diagnosis to begin with, your brain immediately goes to the worst case scenario. Yeah. This is it. It's going to be horrible, all of that stuff. But I try to take control very quickly of that by saying, you know what, I have no control over that. He doesn't have control over that. But let's see what we can control.
And what's that? It's paying attention to your doctor. It's shutting out the noise from what the medical sites say online. It's maybe not even listening to your friends who are well-intentioned, but might be leading you down a wrong path. Right. It's focusing on the parts of your health that you know you can control, eating right, going for a walk, meditating. And that's all you can do. That's true.
So when they said PET scan and now you got three weeks of the unknown, what happens for you when you feel yourself dreading? Well, I go back to that place where I was initially. I go back to that dread of, oh my gosh, this is going to be horrible. It's going to be the worst news ever. And it's just like training a muscle. I very quickly try to take myself out of that and go back to what can we control. And it's the same things. You know, nothing's changed between a diagnosis and the PET scan.
Let's take care of yourself and we'll see what happens. And what happened? Well, the results came back and the cancer has not spread. Okay. That's fantastic news. It's huge. But what did you notice when you got that news? My shoulders dropped. I took a deep breath. I was here at the studio. I was in the elevator going downstairs. I got the text from Mom.
That's a beautiful visual because I also see as an elevator is going down, I see your shoulders dropping and the bracing dropping and the kind of exhale. Because even when we try to rationalize these things and focus on other things, our body still braces. And so there are two tools that I think are just we're going to keep coming back to and I'm going to keep reminding you as you're listening.
There's the tools that Phil is talking about where you are reminding yourself to focus on what you can control. And then there are the tools that are from the neck down, which is learning how to drop into your body and calm your body state from one of bracing. I think it's really interesting that you're using all the intellectual tools to keep your mind focused on what you can control, which certainly helps. But at the same time, your body is still in a brace mode, whether you realize it or not.
And that's where the second tools come in of understanding that this is both head and body and learning how to use even just the breathing technique that I described when I was on the plane of breathing in for four seconds, holding it for four seconds, breathing out for four seconds, holding it for four seconds, that box breathing, signaling to my body that were okay, even though I was terrified the plane was going to go down.
It just allows that elevator in your nervous system to slowly lower so you're not subconsciously breaking. Leave it to you to find the perfect metaphor and you're the one elevator dude. Yeah, but I hadn't even made the connection. And that's such a beautiful way to put it. The doors open, walked outside. It was a nice, sunny day. And it was like being in a new reality. See, I think that is a beautiful piece to the story fell because that is what's available.
Even though I was in that plane and for probably 10 to 15 minutes, I was swirling in my head imagining my funeral, imagining the fire. I get really dark. I'm like, okay, is this thing exploding? Is this going to be a 10 minute free fall? My husband is very stoic like you. And so as I turned to him and I'm like, I'm really scared and then he held my hand, which helped. And this before the box breathing, I'm like, I'm really scared we're going to go down.
He literally turns me and he's like, well, you'll be unconscious at the last 10 seconds. I'm like, what do you, what, what, what, this is your way to relax. Now my ears are up on top of my head. Now I'm like, really bracing for this. But it was when the box breathing for in, hold it, for out, hold it, holding Chris's hand and then starting to visualize truly that things are going to be okay and visualize the open doors, the sunny day, a future state that allowed me to drop in to that moment.
And I'll tell you, the plane kept bouncing and swinging and doing all these crazy things. But I was in a physical state, Phil, just like you were when the doors opened on the elevator and you walked out to a sunny day.
And I think that's 1,000% what's available to you in any situation where you feel like things happening around you are out of your control, steadying yourself and your physical body and trying your best to focus your mind on things you can control and on an optimistic outlook because you know what if it does work out? We're so quick to jump to the negative. Like I'm thinking about dying on a plane, you're thinking about your dad. What is it about our parents, by the way?
I just have to say some thinking about my father. He had this situation where he passed out on a golf course. My parents didn't even tell me and my brother. They go and get a check out because they're worried about vertigo. And they have an incidental finding where the guy has an intact aneurysm. And now they're going to University of Michigan to do this massive brain surgery. They're going to literally take the top of his noggin off. And it's amazing what doctors can do.
And literally clamp an aneurysm before it explodes and kills him. And then they're going to put the noggin back on and staple it all together. So my parents are going through this film for two weeks. And then they pick up the phone and they're like, well, we got something to tell you. We didn't want to tell you to we to we knew for sure, but dad needs brain surgery and he has an aneurysm that could explode at any moment. We're like, what you can live in that's for two weeks.
The line from parents often is, oh, we didn't want you to worry. Yes. As if you're not going to worry about it when you do find out. Yes. And then be mad that you didn't tell me. And now I'm really bracing because then now this sounds really terrible. But I can see both sides. I don't know. I think that's a common experience. Just a quote I found from Dalai Lama, who is a smart person. Just talking about how it. Let me read it real quick. Right. Yeah. So I love this quote from the Dalai Lama.
If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there's no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever. And that's actually true. Because unless you're worrying about it so that you can solve the problem and come up with solutions, worrying doesn't fix anything. It just really frustrates you and stresses you out and keeps you stressed.
And there's a study from Cornell that found that 85% of the things that people worry about actually never come to pass. And of the remaining check, I think this is the even more important thing. So if you think about the fact that 85% of the stuff that you worry about, that you probably then start dreading, right? Or even happen. So what a gigantic waste of time and energy. What a sad thing to do to yourself in your life. But here I think is the even more important thing to lean into.
Because I know you might be listening and you might go, yeah, but 15% of the things do come true, Mel. So what about, you know, what, what, how do I know with the thing that I'm worrying about is actually the 15% that come true or the 85% that don't? Well, here's what I want to tell you. So the remaining 15%, I'll give you this, that actually come true, that you're worried about.
78% of people find that the thing that you were worried about, that challenge, it's easier to handle than you expected and that you learned something valuable from it. That's incredible, which means the worrying actually didn't help you with it anyway. And so the things that actually happen, the majority of them, you don't even need to be worrying about because it's easier than you think and you're going to learn something from it anyway.
And so if you can face uncertainty in these moments, not with bracing and dread, but with the ability to go, okay, I'm going to be able to handle this and I'm going to learn something about this. Then you are able to show up differently and focus on the things you can control. What you think, what you say, what you do, and that's pretty cool, really cool. What if it all works out? What if it all works out? And no matter what, it does because worst case scenario, you're going to learn something.
That's true. That's an awesome way to look at things. And so I feel like that's a tool too. The next time that you feel a situation coming up and you feel yourself dreading it and bracing, you've already presumed it's going horrible, which means you're going to get hijacked and you're going to align your thoughts and actions and feelings with it going horrible. And the truth is it's always just uncertain.
And that creates an opportunity for you to learn this incredible skill of living with uncertainty and coaching yourself through these moments by saying, well, if we're uncertain how it's going to go and how could I know the funeral hasn't happened yet, we don't know the diagnosis yet. We haven't had the breakup conversation yet. I haven't done the presentation yet.
I don't need to dread this, but I can create room for uncertainty as I sit here on this plane or as I prepare for this presentation or as I walk to that person's apartment, knowing that I need to sit them down and tell them that this isn't working. If I can keep myself in uncertainty, then I can keep myself in the space of what if this all works out? What if this is even if it's bad? It works out. Even if this is uncomfortable, it works out.
You stay there and now you're building this extraordinary skill that we all need in life of navigating these moments. Instead of bracing and insuming the worst and just hijacking it, actually staying steady. Wow, that's a really good insight. It sounds to me like when you do let dread take over, are you almost manifesting things going wrong? It's bigger than manifesting. Now, it's a good word. This is a super interesting topic.
So there's a couple of things happening when dread takes over because dread is literally anticipating the worst. And when you start to focus on the negative, it triggers you to go from a state where you're really present to the alarm system in your body going to fight, flight, or freeze. This is evolutionary. This is hardwired in you. It is a defense mechanism that actually protects you and it keeps you in many ways alive.
And I can tell you right now, like if the fire alarm went off right now in this building and we smelled smoke, the fire alarm inside your body and my body would also go off, fight, flight, freeze, like run, right? And we would literally run out of this place. And if we were running out of this place, there is no way you and I could do a math problem at the same time because your body's wiring takes over to keep you safe. And that's why this is kind of bigger than manifesting.
It's actually hardwiring in your body. There's something that a lot of experts that come on the show or if you're interested in neuroscience, you talk about this negativity bias in your mind. Your mind is wired to magnify things that are negative or things that are scary or things that could go wrong as a attempt to try to protect you and to keep you safe.
Like if we're on a hike, your mind is likely to spot the rattlesnake over there because it's dangerous versus the leaf that's turning orange, which is beautiful. Because if your brain can see the rattlesnake, it can keep you away from it. And that's a good thing except for when you start to feel this sense of dread and bracing and being in this mode all the time where all you can do is think about what could go wrong or beat yourself up.
And so what happens is you don't just manifest the negative. You put yourself into a mental, physical, and spiritual space that is very negative. And that overrides your ability to think, to problem solve, to become, to be present and back to your word manifesting. Because you're in a negative state and because your energy is bad and because you can't actually tap into your thinking and because you're now spiraling.
You actually do create more bad because you're living in this mindset that everything is falling apart and you also can't take the proactive steps to make things better. And so yes, it's partially just the hard wiring and I do think that when you get hijacked like that, you attract more negativity. You cause more negativity because you can't meet the moment.
And the truth is, if you recognize what's happening in the moment, you can absolutely train yourself to go, oh, this is what Mal was talking about with Phil. This is that moment of dread. This is where my shoulders are going up. This is where I feel myself procrastinating. Comes on stress. I don't have to do this. I can settle myself with breathing in for four, holding it, breathing out, holding it. I can just do the box breathing. I can tell myself what if everything works out.
I can remind myself there are things I can focus on. There within my control, I can remind myself that if I get a good night's sleep instead of drinking an entire bottle of gin right now because I'm nervous, that probably helped me. I can remind myself that even though I'm stressed out, I can prepare for this speech. I can eat a healthy dinner, which is going to help me in the thing I need to do tomorrow.
I can remind myself that even though I'm terrified of the conversation that I'm dreading, that I'm going to get through this. And this is important to break up. And do what I need to do even though it's going to hurt somebody or they're going to be disappointed and I'm dreading this. And so that 1,000% is why this matters so much. It doesn't change the horrible thing. I think a lot about that moment in my life where I was getting ready to go to a friend's funeral.
Anytime you go to a funeral, you dread it. It's just something you don't want to have to do. In this particular case, it was also somebody who had died by suicide and was a very, very close friend of ours. And he was like the second father to our daughter and it just was horrifically awful. And I remember just bracing and feeling like I don't want to do this. I don't like this can't be what's happening. And I ended up just sitting down and settling myself.
I remember it like it was yesterday and this was probably 14 years ago. I remember I didn't have a braw on yet. I was sitting on the edge of the bed with my pants on and my shoes were on the floor and I just sat there and I put my hand in my heart and I said it's going to be okay. You can get through this. You need to be present for his kids and his family and you need to be present for your kids and your husband because they loved him too.
And getting into this mode where you mal leave your body and you're not present for this celebration and mourning of this person that so many people loved, that's not the way you want to show up right now. Even though this shit's really hard and so I remember just consciously, I don't know, I don't think I knew about box breathing back then but I just kind of instinctually put my hand in my heart and just said we're going to get through this.
Like no matter what happens today, we're going to get through this and I want to be present for his kids and I want to be present for him and I want to be present for my kids and my daughter in particular and just settling yourself and reminding yourself that even though
you don't want to go through this, you are stronger than this moment and being present for it and moving through it in a way where you are connected to yourself and you are reminding yourself that you are going to be okay and that you're not going to go through
this alone and to just keep showing up and to believe that's how I settled myself and got through that moment because had I allowed all of that to consume me, I probably wouldn't remember anything about that day or anything about that moment and it was an absolutely
breathtaking celebration of him and I remember every single detail and I was able to show up for my daughter in a way that I wouldn't have been able to if I had been just dreading it and so I think there are these moments where you're deeply scared like I was on the plane
or maybe your dad was when he got the diagnosis or my dad and mom were when they got his diagnosis where you nurture yourself and then there are these moments where you need to rise above this dread because you actually have to show up for someone else. No matter what I feel like it builds resilience and you're to show up to give yourself that
courage and that trust that you can make it through. You look back on that service for your friend now that will never not hurt to have lost him but how do you feel knowing that you were fully there for one of the most difficult moments?
I'm definitely really proud of myself like I think it would have been you know this is a weird thing I think you need to do what you need to do but it would have been really selfish of me to allow my own upset to consume me and everybody needs to mourn the way that they need to mourn but I also oftentimes at least when I think about my own past there are a lot of things that I allowed get to me that I kind of feel like weren't mine to
be upset about. This was one but you are capable of rising above these moments you are capable of showing up in ways for other people that really matter you are capable of not getting sucked into drama and you are certainly capable of recognizing when in life you're in control and when you're not and what you're in control of and what you're not. I love this. This feels like a great moment to hit the pause and give our amazing sponsors a chance
to share a few words with you. Please also share this with somebody that you love because this is part of the hard wiring of human beings but it doesn't have to control your life or run your day to day and for too many people especially based on what I am seeing in
the inbox from those of you listening to this show this is something that is dominating your day to day life is feeling abraising and so share this with people that you care about and don't go anywhere because Phil and I are going to be waiting for you after a short
break and a little bit later we are going to be getting to your questions and I know you're going to see yourself and the people that you love in the questions and in the answers and you're going to want to hear it stay with us we'll be right back. Talk about it. It's your friend Mel Robbins today. I am joined by one of the producers
on our team Phil. We are unpacking this topic of dread and giving you very simple tools to help you take control of what you can control in those moments in life where you feel yourself brace or you feel yourself worry or you feel yourself starting to get really gripped about what's happening over there and we're teaching you how to come back to the power that you always have in here and you know I'll go back to the plane story that
I told in the very beginning. There have been times in my life several decades ago where I was on a plane that suddenly drops and then the airbags drop and then they start swinging which they don't sew in those cute videos you know and then the air conditioning starts
to condense and people start crying and screaming I'll tell you your life flashes before your eyes when that happens and I was lucky because when that happened it was over in a matter of two or three minutes and the pilot came on and just said wow we just hit a huge
air pocket sorry about that really scary hope that you know we're going to we're going to stay at a lower altitude there's nothing wrong you don't need to wear the air masks but I just want to go over the safety instructions again whatever we land in like 30 minutes
in those 30 minutes I took stock of my entire life and I realized there were a lot of things about myself that I wanted to change and if you are in a moment where you have kind of one of those experiences where you really the thing you're dreading is whether or not
you're going to make it it's incredible what a reality check that is of how short life actually is and in a moment you're going to realize what matters and what matters are the people that you care about and the state of your relationships and whether or not
you are showing up and whether or not you are loving and whether or not you are loved whether or not you are prioritizing friends the other thing that shows up is your relationship to yourself and how you feel about yourself and at the time I didn't like myself that much
I had a lot of work to do and the other thing that shows up is how are you spending your time and do you enjoy how you're spending your time because it is such a limited commodity that you have and I realized at this moment in my life that I did not want to be a lawyer
anymore like this was a huge defining moment for me and I got off that plane and started making changes now fast forward to the plane story from the opening which honestly this was way more terrifying than even the plane dropping and airbags dropping in two minutes
of this is over and the reason why this one was more terrifying is because I didn't know what the heck was happening was going on for a long time and the difference though is once I got control of the dread and I got peaceful with the truth which is there's nothing
I can do here I am in a giant shopping mall flying through the sky that is bouncing around like a trampoline through the air right now I'm holding my husband's hand who is my favorite person on the planet and I'm really proud of myself and the only thing that
I have that I am worried about right now is that I'm pissed off that I wouldn't get more time on earth at this moment in my existence that I wouldn't get more time with my kids and that almost like kind of anger and realization like I'm not going out like this and even if
I didn't I'm really proud of the person that I am and I can hang my hand on that like there was something around that moment that also just dropped the dread but if you are dreading going into work in the morning or you're dreading a conversation because you
know you need to end a relationship or you know you need to give somebody some difficult feedback because you want the relationship to get better or if you're dreading a health diagnosis that's like a wake up call because dread literally can be these moments where
you assess what's actually important to you and you can use that to catapult yourself in a different direction and if I bring it back to like the topic that we were just talking about and the reason why I want to talk about this today regarding the US like if you're
dreading what's happening in this country or you're listening somewhere around the world and you're dreading what's happening in your community or in your family or in your part of the world that's a sign that you care deeply about this and while you might not
be able to control what's happening in the larger sense of things today there is no doubt there are things you can do there is no doubt that it just takes one person to change the world to change your community to change your school system and that overwhelm and dread
can galvanize what you do next and what you commit yourself to and that's a really important thing that I've noticed in my life in these moments like they really show you what you care about whether it's you dread a presentation because you care about doing well at work or
you dread this conversation where you have to have a very hard conversation with somebody you love but the reason why is because you actually value love and you value honesty and you value integrity or you value yourself enough to know that the love that you're
getting in this relationship is not the love that you deserve that you deserve something else and you're willing to stand up for that and that dread is an important thing that basically goes okay I'm a person that cares about myself and I care about the person
about to break up with because you know I still like them and I don't want to disappoint people but I got to care more about me and so I do think these moments of bracing actually if you're willing to slow down and not let it hijack you you can unpack the moment and
truly connect more deeply with the things that you care about you care about your mom and dad that's a big sign to spend more time with them I care about my family the plane situation I wasn't thinking about work I was thinking about my parents and my husband
and my children and my friends I wasn't thinking about the normal stuff that make me like nuts fell I was thinking about the things that actually matter and to me that's the gift that's available to unwrap that you are learning something about yourself and regardless
of how things turn out use that information to guide the kind of person you show up as in this next chapter as you move through this thing I love this so where I want to go now is to some of your questions because there has been an absolute just it's unbelievable
how many of you are using the word dread we literally went and searched dread and so Phil we've collected a ton of emails of all different types of things that people are dreading what are some of the topics just to give us a wide array the short answer is
a lot no motivation uninspired fear of telling my parents things going to let them down I'm an empty nester dating again going the wrong direction at work with my career spending vacation time with my in-laws and on and on and on and that's just the tip of the iceberg
tip of the iceberg all right well let's just jump in what do you want to start with now I want you to check out this one from Nicole okay great so Nicole is a listener who is twenty four years old and she's writing in because she has been single for a long time
for the past two years she used to be a serial data Phil and then was like forget this I'm just going to take a break and she said being single these past two years has been the best thing I've ever done for myself I think that's really cool actually I love that
you took time to be single you did not even worry about finding somebody just like chilled with yourself that's super cool but here comes the downside I'm now so hyper independent and comfortable being single that the idea of dating again or changing my life up to
incorporate dating makes me want to run and hide under my bed forever actually I have heard this from so many of our listeners in their twenties and thirties and here's what she writes she literally writes that I wish we had more discussions around the shame women
feel in their twenties for not prioritizing dating the hook up culture she goes on and on and on and then she says is it really the worst thing to dread the day you have to start dating again because let's face it it slim pickens out there ask any woman on a
dating app so here's what I would say first of all I don't think you're ready to date Nicole because it sounds like you just love being single so don't even add it in it feels like a should but the piece I want you to take away is you used the word dread dread
means you've already decided it's going to go horrible all I'm going to tell you is switch the word uncertain you don't know how it's going to go and you don't have to be on the apps you can talk to people in your day to day life you can tell your friends that you're
open to date you don't have to do it that way but when you use the word dread you've already assumed it's going to be horrible which is why you're bracing which is why you're avoiding it and when you get to the point where you say this is something I'm interested in I'm
uncertain about how it's going to go do you feel the freedom in that and I think that's going to help a lot I've got one here that is about having a husband that is negative my husband generally only tells me bad news about his job and his day he's not making
nearly as much money as I do I encourage him to listen to self improvement books and podcast but he refuses how do I navigate this negativity but still be supportive how do I keep my love for him when I feel dread talking to him oh boy okay so can you imagine
I think we've all but have you I've been in really I've been in periods of my marriage and I've certainly been in relationships where I dread the person that I'm with walking through the door sure yeah like you just it's a terrible place to be and so you're
bracing for the negativity I'm going to tell you to do something opposite you ready first of all live an uncertainty maybe he'll be in a bad mood today maybe he won't and you have to use the let them theory you have to you have to let him be in a bad mood and you
can also start like I don't like what I know based on the research is her trying to tell him to be positive actually just makes a negative you know because what I know about the research is that trying to change someone else doesn't work so if you try to make
him positive it's just going to make him more negative if you try to make him listen to self improvement it's only going to make him more resistant to it and so here's what I want you to understand everything that we've talked about you have the ability to
shift this in yourself part of the dynamic is you bracing and your mindset going and your nervous system going and so I would recommend that you do the box breathing I would recommend you start to talk about uncertainty and I'm going to give you one tool from
the let them theory book ask your husband how do you feel about your attitude about your life or I've noticed that you're really like down how you feel about things so instead of just getting a report just ask him an open-ended question because it gets him to start
to talk about the conflict that he's feeling versus just complaining about it I write about this extensively in the book it's a technique that gets somebody out of their negative state because what's happening with your husband if he hates his job that much he dreads going
he wakes up every morning in a state of dread which what makes his mindset negative which makes his body brace which makes the entire day at work negative which then makes him come home and talk to you about it and so until he stops bracing and he recognizes that he
wants something different nothing's changing because people only change when they feel like changing and one of the things that this conversation is revealing is that dread is something that is a natural instinct in us that can hijack your experience of life
and I think a lot of people dread going to work but what you don't understand when you're the one dreading it is that you have power this isn't the only job on the planet and the more you stay stuck in this state of dread the more likely you're going to stay in this job which is ironic that the dread keeps you locked there and so your openness your shifting your ability to create space for him to figure this out for himself will also help him
shift it. Mel so we're setting the clocks back the seasons are changing we're getting a lot of questions about dealing with seasonal depression dread getting up in the morning because of it. Oh I relate I hate turning the clocks back if I ran for president of any like country or city or what this would be like my number one thing you know like in high school or middle school and be like more ice cream in the cafeteria be like my one of
my initiatives would be no daylight savings I hate it but here's the thing dreading the darkness and dreading the winter months and dreading the cold is it helping now why because what have we learned about dread it actually locks you in a state that it is going to be
horrible and here's what I want you to understand through your own actions and attitude you can make it better I'm not saying that seasonal depression isn't a thing because it is a very real thing and I absolutely struggle with that dip in the mood and looking outside
at 4.30 pm in Vermont and it's already almost dark and just thinking I can't live here another winter right I can't I'm not doing this to myself again but there are things you can do there are things you can do and so instead of locking in on dread winter is coming
right Game of Thrones winter is coming I want you to loosen and I want you to start to think about what can you do what can your routine look like how can you shift the time you go to bed the time that you wake up the things that you do during your day the things
that you do at night how can you map out a new plan for this season so that it's not just the drag the light box out here we go let's brace for the long winter everybody it doesn't have to be that way you can focus on your thoughts your actions creating a new routine
doing a little bit of research if you have the ability to create a plan to get away and go visit a friend that lives in a nicer place and go on a road trip do it these things help if you know another thing that I think can help a lot is if you've ever wanted to
take a painting class or you've ever wanted to learn a new skill sign up for a class at night get yourself out of the house these sorts of things help but the more you say I dread it the more you're going to feel locked into negativity and the less power you're
going to feel that you have and you do have power even if this is a diagnosis that you're dealing with you still have power I do want to end on this question from Nora about dreading getting out of bed and dreading starting the day and can you talk more about how we can
talk ourselves into getting up immediately when we feel like crap and are dreading our day so there's two things I want to cover in this and this is why I want to end on this the first part of this dreading starting your day is the tactics and there is no better
tactic for solving this problem than using my five second rule and counting backwards the moment the alarm rings 5 4 3 2 1 and moving and getting out of bed and just starting the day you can wake up and feel dread and bracing and anxiety and overwhelm and you
can still start your day 5 4 3 2 1 2 things can be true you cannot feel like doing it and you can 5 4 3 2 1 do it and the reason why this matters is because movement shifts your emotions and getting going helps you keep going and lying in bed and lying in the dread
and lying in the overwhelm which is something that I am very familiar with it's something that I struggled with profoundly especially as somebody that has had a lot of anxiety in the past and the 5 2nd rule and counting backwards 5 4 3 2 1 was something I created
precisely to help me when the alarm rang and I felt dread and it pinned me into the bed and I would just lay there and rot in my negative thoughts and my emotions so 5 4 3 2 1 boom just like they say nothing good happens at a bar after midnight nothing good
happens at a nightclub after midnight nothing good happens when you're lying there in bed consumed in dread ok 5 4 3 2 1 get up that's a tactic and that is going to help you and you may need to use that every morning of your life for 15 years like I have I still
use that to get out of bed I had to use it this morning to get out of bed because we had a huge work day and a lot of exciting news and I was so emotionally drained and plus I ate a double stack hamburger with cheese fries and then I had an ice cream cone and a gin
tonic and then I went to bed so talk about bed rot I got it when I woke up I was like oh I got to use my own stuff 5 4 3 2 1 get up because I got to go talk to fill about dread that's the tactic but here's the bigger thing I want to say to you if you dread
your day that's an opportunity to take a look at your life you were not put on this planet to wake up and dread your day there are things about your life you need to change it might mean that you need to take your mental health and your physical health more seriously
it might mean that you need to take sleep more seriously and my simple rule for better sleep is if you want 8 hours of sleep spend 9 hours in bed just not an hour of it in the morning dreading your day right takes time to fall asleep might mean that you got
to change your job might mean that you got to have a hard conversation that you've been avoiding why because you dread it might mean that you got to make some changes to your morning routine might mean that you have to ask your family to step up a little bit so
everything's not on your shoulders and I guarantee you if you go through your day and you list all of the things that you dread about your day you'll notice that there's lots of places where you have braced in small ways and where you have negative opinions and
where you think this is just what it is and there's nothing you can do about it which is why we brace which is what you've learned during this conversation and it's how you lose your power and the truth is you're not stuck anywhere you're not stuck in a relationship
you're not stuck in a dynamic with your family you are not stuck in a job you are not stuck with the current state of your health you are not stuck with your mindset you are not stuck with your current morning routine you as a human being are hardwired to change
but if you continue to dread all these small things you are keeping yourself locked in something that doesn't work and so I think that moment where you wake up and dread the day you're waking up into I think that moment where you wake up and dread the day you're
waking up into is one of the greatest gifts that your life could give you because it's a gigantic wake up call that there are things that are not working and it is time that you wake the hell up metaphorically physically mentally spiritually and you start doing the
work to change it I want you to look at your life and look at the things that you dread and understand these are just things that are uncertain but here's what I'm certain about you have the power and you are capable through your thoughts actions and your attitude
of changing anything for the better period full stop you cannot convince me otherwise so stop bracing stop dreading relax into this look at what you need to change look at what's within your control and focus on that and I think you're going to be shocked at
how much more powerful and calm you feel no matter what's going on and in case no one else tells you I wanted to be sure to tell you that I love you I believe in you I believe in your power to create a better life and I just love that this topic was so deep and
so useful on global levels on personal levels in small moments in big moments in annoying moments and scary moments and I'm absolutely thrilled that I got to unpack this with you and with Phil today so I will see you in the very next episode and I cannot wait to hear
what you got out of this one all righty I'll see you in a few days are you a stoic kind of guy I tried to be okay I don't think of myself that way I think of myself as striving to be a stoic okay what is happening it's literally wind and trash and well this
is a reminder from the universe that you know there's only certain things you can control they got a dumb truck they have a construction crew they have a special forces grade airplanes and helicopters flying around today reminding us why would we get tense about what's happening
out there it's trash day here everybody yeah is that good enough okay do you want one more no I'm going to do one more okay here we go oh and one more thing and no this is not a blooper this is the legal language you know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you this
podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes I'm just your friend I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician professional coach psychotherapist or other qualified professional got it good I'll see you in the next episode stitcher.