Welcome back to The Look and Sound of Leadership, an ongoing series of executive coaching tips designed to help you be perceived in the workplace the way you want to be perceived. I'm Tom Henschel, your executive coach, and today we're talking about... How to build self-esteem. Tamara was quick to blame herself. One goal for her coaching was to be more assertive with her boss, Jess.
Tamara and I would rehearse assertive conversations, and she would take them to Jess. Afterwards, Tamara would tell me all the ways it had gone wrong. One day, reciting another failure, She stopped. She said, do you hear how I talk to myself? It's no wonder I'm not more assertive with Jess. Hearing what I say to myself, it's like I think I'm an idiot or something. I wish it would stop. I asked, if it did stop. What would be different? She gave a laugh. I might be happy. That'd be a change.
huh i said really you're not happy well no i mean i'm not unhappy but i do worry a lot i've always been a worrier you've heard me i mean mostly i worry what i'm doing wrong That's how it feels. It feels like I'm doing my life wrong. So there you go. Yeah, maybe I am unhappy. I ask sincerely, you don't know? No, I do. Well...
It's hard, isn't it, being disappointed. Disappointed in what, I asked? In myself. However, I'm missing the mark. At work, at home. People tell me I should stop worrying that I'm better than I think I am. But it doesn't feel that way. We talked about this in my 360, right? People think I worry too much, but I think sometimes I don't worry enough. I didn't speak. She didn't either.
Finally, she looked at me, smiled, ran her hand around her face and said, Can you help with this mess? Maybe, I said. You know, a minute ago... You worried you might never get assertive with Jess if you keep talking to yourself like you're an idiot? I think you're right, Tamara. In fact, I would pretty much guarantee it. So I'd like to help you find another way to talk to yourself. And I want to do it through the lens of self-esteem. I'd like to think of self-esteem as a...
product, a product you can use to change how you talk to yourself. She gave a laugh. I'm picturing it like a cream I can rub on. Wouldn't that be great, I said. So are you up for this? Can we talk about self-esteem? Sure, sounds great, she said. Okay. To use this product effectively, you need to adopt... Three practices. And they don't go in any order. There's no sequence. They're all equal. It's like points on a triangle. Your job is to practice each of them as many times a day as you can.
Okay, she said a little suspiciously. I said, the first practice of self-esteem is self-acceptance. Self-acceptance has a direct connection to how you were talking to yourself, treating yourself like you're an idiot. When you do that... There's not much self-acceptance. And without self-acceptance, there is no self-esteem. But I can always do better, she said in her defense. Don't I want to learn from my mistakes? Well, I hope so, yeah, I said.
But do you have to treat yourself like an idiot to do that? You know, I picture you scolding yourself like you've been a bad girl. She gave a little, oh, and bolted up in her chair. That scolding voice. I grew up with that voice. That was my mom's voice, for sure. Well, I never thought about whether it was self-accepting or not. Tamara, I'm curious, I said. If there were a ten-point scale of self-esteem, ten being strongest, where would you rank your mom?
Oh, gracious, that's hard. With us kids, she was a force. But with our dad or his family, she was a wet noodle, so I don't know, maybe a five? That's about what I would have guessed, I said. A person who does a lot of scolding isn't going to be a 9 or a 10 in self-esteem. People at 9 or 10 have lots of self-acceptance, so they express a lot of acceptance of others. Scolding doesn't exist when you're at a 9 or a 10.
That would be sweet music, she said. You can do it. Here is a self-acceptance practice. The practice is to be for yourself. You become cheerleader-in-chief for Tamara. Give yourself grace. Self-acceptance. That's practice number one. No more talking like I'm an idiot, she said. Right. Be kind to yourself. Acceptance. She nodded and thought and then said,
What's next? I said the next practice connects to something else we talked about. You were wondering if you're happy or unhappy. Well, this second practice is a knowing. It is knowing deep in your core that you are worthy of happiness, that happiness is something you deserve and is yours to take. She lowered her chin and gave me a look. That.
is not the women in my family, she said. I wouldn't say any of us are really happy. Even our grandparents' generation, they weren't particularly happy either. I don't think we believe that. Oh, wow, I said, I'm sorry. She shrugged. It's normal to us. But I wonder, could I just decide that? That I'm worthy of being happy? I stayed silent. I guess I could, she said.
I don't even know what that would look like. Is that ridiculous that I'm not sure how to be happy? No, I said. I think a lot of people wonder about happiness. What do you do, she asked. Connect your self-worth to happiness. I am worthy of being happy. That is how you want to talk to yourself. I am worthy of being happy. That's what you'll practice. She looked quite serious. Then dryly she said,
I won't tell my mother. I smiled. She said, okay, what's number three? I said, live in reality. Be realistic. Be realistic about facts. Be realistic about feelings. Be realistic about your capabilities. Be realistic about your worries. How would I do that, she asked. Just start tracking them, I said. Score them like puzzles. The really tough worries are a 10. The worries you think aren't such a big deal, those are ones. And just start noticing the scores over the course of a day.
Are your worries all tens all day? Do they go up and down? Are they all ones and twos? Just notice and be realistic. Reality check my worries, she said. How does that build self-esteem? If you live in reality, you will see you're capable of a lot. If you live in reality, you won't talk to yourself like you're an idiot because it's not true. You're not. And, she quipped, I deserve to be happy. I laughed. That too. She asked, am I going to sound like I'm bragging? I said,
If you live in reality about your capabilities, no, I don't think it'll sound like bragging. I think it'll sound like you're reporting accurately. It's living in reality. Quietly she said to herself, living in reality. And then to me she said... You know, my dad was super sweet, but when something upset him, he pretended it didn't exist. It was the opposite of living in reality. It made all of us a little crazy, my mom especially.
And where would you put your dad on that self-esteem scale, I asked. Probably a five, like my mom, she said. I nodded. People at one level of self-esteem tend to attract people at the same level. That makes sense, she said. I see it with executive teams. You know, if the CEO is an eight in self-esteem, she is going to put together a really different team than if she's a four. Because the four would gather other fours? Tamara asked. Right. A CEO who's a four probably isn't going to hire a nine.
And a nine probably isn't going to work for a four. When your self-esteem rises, it gets hard to tolerate disrespectful behavior. And a four probably has disrespectful behaviors, not because she's a bad person, but because that's the best she can do. as a four. Tamara's coaching conversations turned repeatedly to exploring the three practices of self-esteem, self-acceptance, self-worth and happiness, and
living in reality. As she practiced each, speaking up with Jess came more easily. One way she knew she was moving towards the look and sound of leadership. One way to think about self-esteem, and I think it's people's first definition, is that it's something you experience. It's an experience of feeling positively about yourself. Another equally valid way to think about self-esteem...
is as something you can choose to practice. Like you can choose to go to bed early, or you can choose to drink more water. You can choose to practice self-esteem. So what would a practice of self-esteem look like? I want to use this part of the show to give you three self-esteem practices. These are ideas you will practice as many times a day as you can. Remember to think the thoughts.
And don't expect anything, right? I mean, you don't know what's going to happen. Just remember to think the thoughts. That's the practice. And by the way, this is a great practice anytime you get accelerated. When you're nervous, when you're worried, you're angry, you're confused, those are great times to practice self-esteem. So, what are the three ideas?
I'm going to give you one idea for each of the three practices that you heard me talk about with Tamara. Self-acceptance, happiness and self-worth, and living in reality. I'm going to give you something to practice with each of those. And I am also going to give you a bonus tool. Okay. How do you practice self-acceptance, right? That's the first practice. During the episode, I suggested a self-acceptance practice to Tamara that can be life-changing. The practice is to be for yourself.
Imagine yourself doing something. Could be anything. You could be presenting at a meeting, but you could be shopping for groceries. Whatever you're doing, like listening to this podcast right now, whatever you are doing. One part of you is cheering you on. One part of you is for you. Imagine yourself walking around with a voice in your head that is encouraging you and admiring you all day long.
Put that voice in your head. That is how you practice self-acceptance. And I believe what I said to Tamara. Without self-acceptance, there is no self-esteem. That last idea. That you cannot achieve self-esteem without self-acceptance is an idea I found in a book by a guy named Nathaniel.
Brandon. Nathaniel Brandon spent a good portion of his life studying self-esteem. He wrote a lot of books about self-esteem. And in 1994, he wrote a book called The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. And he gave it this subtitle. The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field. I remember when I first saw the subtitle, it made me laugh. It felt like what Tamara said. It felt like bragging.
But then in the book, I read the idea of being for yourself. And from that instant on, I saw the subtitle through that lens. Yes. Brandon is naming himself the leading pioneer in the field of self-esteem. He was being 100% for himself. And by the way, it came true, right? I mean, he still is seen as one of the leading pioneers in the field of self-esteem. And that book is still described as one of the definitive books on self-esteem. But he had no way of knowing that, right?
He was just showing us all what it looks like to be for yourself. That's the practice. That's self-acceptance. That's number one. By the way, he also had another idea, which I just really love. It's this. Self-acceptance demands that you not allow yourself to be in an adversarial relationship with yourself.
If you have self-esteem, you are not permitted to be your own adversary. When you scold yourself, when you call yourself names, you're your own adversary. No, it's not allowed. Stop. Be for yourself. And do not be your adversary. Self-acceptance. That's the first practice. Okay. Second practice. The choice to be happy. Brandon makes this connection over and over. He connects the idea of self-worth and happiness. I deserve to be happy. I am worthy of being happy.
The second practice of self-esteem is to think this thought consciously, I am worthy of happiness. If that begins to be one of the steady streams of music in your ear, It will lift your spirits. It may provoke strong feelings. I believe it will change you. I am worthy of happiness. That is your second daily practice. Simple.
Now I'm going to throw in that bonus tool that I mentioned. I learned this tool from Brandon's books on self-esteem, but I have found this tool is valuable way beyond self-esteem. I think this tool is a tool. for clarifying your thinking. When you are stuck, this tool works. The tool is sentence completion. In sentence completion, you give yourself a sentence stem.
And then you finish the sentence as many different ways as you can. And you're not trying to solve anything. You're not trying to be right. You're not trying to be smart. You're trying to play. You're trying to build the longest list of endings to the sentence as you possibly can. And it doesn't even have to make sense. You know, just keep going. If you do, most likely at some point a new idea is going to pop out.
And that new idea is going to end up changing how you think. In the long run, that new idea might not be very good, but it will have been a new idea and you won't be stuck anymore. So.
Don't edit. Don't censor. Just keep going. Build the longest list you can. Something that will help you in this exercise is a framework from Brandon, and he uses it a lot. It is the framework of... 5% Here's an example that he says this is one of his questions his sentence stems If I brought 5% more awareness to my emotions And then you answer as many times as you can. I think the 5% framework helps you build a longer list. It helps you keep going. You kind of feel like...
If all I'm trying to do here is 5%, you know, it's not very consequential. And suddenly your brain has permission to play. I did one on myself recently. I was stuck on something, and I gave myself this sentence stem. I would be 5% less upset about this if, and then I just did as many answers as I could for a couple of minutes. I was doing the dishes. I remember looking out my window and just doing it. And it gave me an idea that helped me.
Sentence completion. It's a tool for when you're stuck. Build a long list. Use the 5% framework. We're done. Okay. So now we're going back to the three practices of self-esteem. We talked about... Self-acceptance and the practice of being for yourself. We talked about deserving happiness and the practice of saying, I am worthy of being happy. And now number three, living in reality.
We will dive into it right after this month's gratitude. This episode is going live in February 2025. Los Angeles, where I live, has just suffered devastating fires. Our city... is changed forever. Gratitude to all of you who reached out to me asking about my safety. I am fine. Thank you. I know many people whose lives are forever changed because of the fires. They are friends of mine, but I am relieved to say...
I am not a member of that club. So thank you for asking after me. Thank you for caring. Gratitude to Dan Swanson in Canada. Dan was having trouble subscribing to our monthly email, and he reached out to me and shared that feedback with me. And he was right. It was not a very friendly process. So, George Evelino and Paul Eisen on my team, we dug in. We did a redesign, and the changes are going live literally as this is being posted.
Our site is better because of you, Dan. So thank you for letting me know. Thank you for sharing the feedback. gratitude to those of you who send me your own messages of gratitude. I love reading your stories. Thank you for sharing them. Thank you for being in touch. I appreciate every one of you. Gratitude to the people who post reviews this month from Brazil. Julia C. Silva 77 from Canada, JVO 12. Here in the U.S., JoJo in WV, Shay Shay Park No. 1, Curly Q 2024, Raising Las Vegas.
Seldomposter1, Kuki, and then a friend and colleague, Mary Seif. And then... Long-time friend of the podcast, Dave Stachowiak, who hosts Coaching for Leaders. Many of you know Dave and I are friends, for which I am very grateful. And now he's left another review. So, Dave. Very grateful. Grateful to all of you. Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to post reviews. Okay. Practice number three for building self-esteem. Living in reality.
So let me ask you something. Off the top of your head, where would you rate yourself one to a hundred? Where would you put yourself on the scale of living in reality? As humans... There are many realities around us. There's the reality of what we see and what we hear. There's the reality of what we think and what we do. There's the reality of our feelings. There's the reality of feelings of others.
I think it can be hard to live in all that reality. Living in reality builds self-esteem. You gain self-esteem when you discover you can face all that reality. Here are four... practices to help you live in reality number one respect facts living in reality means having respect for facts We don't have to like what we see, but we have to acknowledge what is and what is not. We can wish, we can deny, but the facts are the facts. So you practice asking.
Am I living in reality with the facts as I know them? 2. Respect facts about yourself. Brandon talks over and over about how we need to see ourselves in reality especially in our strengths. There are things about you that are true. Be in reality about them. Practice asking, am I living in reality with the facts about myself? Number three, interpretations.
are not facts. Living in reality means you distinguish between facts and interpretations. So be strict with yourself when you speak and be strict with yourself when you listen. Live in reality. Distinguish facts from interpretations. You practice saying, I have facts and I have ideas about those facts. They are separate. Number four, emotions are separate from facts. Living in reality means recognizing your emotions. No matter what emotion you're feeling,
It is not a fact. Feelings are not facts. They may feel like facts, but they aren't. They are feelings. So you practice asking, am I living in reality about what I'm feeling right now? Can I name my feelings accurately? Those are the four practices. Respect facts. Respect facts about yourself. Interpretations are not facts.
Feelings are not facts. And one quick idea about that very last one, naming feelings accurately is actually not easy. I think most of us have a pretty limited vocabulary when it comes to naming our emotions. We have a great PDF called the Feeling Words Grid. It has probably, I don't know, 70 words on it. It's in columns like happiness and anger and uncertainty. And then it ranks the words from strong to weak.
It's really helpful. And I know a lot of you already have the Feeling Words grid. If you don't have it, please grab it if it sounds helpful. It is free. It's in the tools bin on the Essential Communications website. It's essentialcom.com. It's essentialcom with two Ms.com, the feeling words grid. The link is in the show notes. I really hope the idea of practicing.
Self-esteem excites you. Self-esteem is something you can choose to practice. I really want it to be as easy as possible for you to get started. There's lots in the show notes. I listed the three practices. I put the links to the six pillars and the feelings word grid. I put the four practices for living in reality.
There are also links to three related categories in the library if you want to keep listening to more episodes. Three categories are managing yourself, perception, how you perceive yourself, and self-talk. And then five individual episodes you might listen to are Conquering People Pleasing, How to Build Self-Awareness, How to Disarm a Trigger, Mastering Nerves.
and staying afloat in a shitstorm, which felt very appropriate for self-esteem. All the links are in the show notes. Okay, that's it from me. Until next time, I'm Tom Henschel. Thanks so much for listening.