hey everybody tom here a quick word before we begin i was talking with a client recently he leads a team and he was having some management issues at the end of our session he asked were there certain episodes that he could listen to that would help him and i sent him the link to five he told me he listened to all of them but the one that had the most meaning for him was one called managing
bad behavior. He thought it was particularly helpful. So I went back and I listened to it and I think he's right. I think it is very helpful. So I'm rebroadcasting it this month, but I've retitled it. I am calling it Finding Management Courage. And I'm calling it that because while I do think the tool I'm proposing is helpful and it's actually pretty simple, I think it needs a little bit of courage. Healthy courage. I hope it inspires you.
Enjoy. Welcome back to The Look and Sound of Leadership, an ongoing series of executive coaching tips designed to help you be perceived in the workplace the way you want to be perceived. I'm Tom Henschel, your executive coach, and today we're talking about finding management courage. Six years ago, Brian had been made vice president.
of consumer product graphics. A gifted artist himself, he led a team of other gifted artists who supplied images that would adorn millions of products around the globe. He and I had worked together six years back when he'd first become a vice president. In those days, our coaching focused on finding his voice as a leader. Brian and I had laughed. A lot. I'm glad to say the coaching had been not only enjoyable but also successful. Plus, his office was a delight to the eye.
Art of all kinds filled the space in every size, from little erasers to giant figures. I always looked forward to being with Brian. Currently, Brian appeared unable to control his team. Their deadlines were often dramatic affairs, and bad behavior seemed rampant, all of which reflected badly on Brian. His boss, a no-drama leader named Iris, whom I'd gotten to know during his initial coaching six years earlier, had told Brian he needed to manage his group's bad behavior.
or move to another role. In response, he'd asked if he could work with me again, and she happily said yes. So he and I were together, laughing once more. Months into our coaching, An incident flared up. Todd, one of Brian's direct reports and the loosest of loose cannons, had shown up at a client meeting completely inappropriate in his dress and behavior. Once again, Brian's ability or inability to manage his team's bad behavior was under scrutiny.
He and I discussed the crisis management aspects of the situation for some time. And then I asked Brian what his long-term strategy was. He asked me to clarify. I said... Once everything settles down about this meeting, you still have to manage the team. And that's Iris' goal for you, right? How are you going to manage the team's bad behavior? He threw up his hands. With someone like Todd? Are you serious? What is there to do other than tie him down or lock him out?
Come on, Brian, I said. He's not crazy. This is just bad behavior. He's throwing tantrums. You have to step in. What are you going to do? What can I do? He just doesn't care anymore. I said, do you think he wants to get fired? I don't know, he said. Maybe he does. I considered that. Then I asked, what if you start managing Todd's bad behavior as if it's just that?
Behavior. Make your feedback behavioral. Don't get angry at him. Don't make it about his character or whether he cares about the company. Don't even name it bad. Just behavior. How would that be? He gave a weary sigh. I don't want to start nitpicking everything he does. You'll never end. It's not about being a nitpick, I said. If you're behavioral, you only have two things to do. Sort and share.
He laughed. It sounds like preschool. It does, doesn't it, I said, never having thought of that. Is this something you can teach me, he asked. Yeah, let's just do it for real, I suggested. Start with... What are we talking about? He said, managing Todd's bad behavior. Right, I agreed. And even more, the whole team's behavior, right? Don't forget, Iris has her eye on the whole team. Ugh, he said.
At some point, that's going to include Audrey, but let's not go there yet. Brian particularly dreaded his direct report named Audrey. So I said, when you want to manage bad behavior, here's where to begin. Sort it. Stop reacting. Look at it. Just look at it. Put it way out in a field somewhere. And then look at it from an airliner. Get some distance.
I stopped talking because Brian had taken my suggestion and was actually picturing Todd's behavior from afar. After a moment, very quietly, I said, if you had to put a label on all that, what would you call it? After a second, with some heat, he said, unprofessional behavior. Okay, I said, so you know what you just did? You sorted.
That's where managing bad behavior starts. You get some distance from the bad behavior, you put a label on it. And by the way, your label, unprofessional behavior, you know, it's okay, but it's negative. I stay away from negative labels, even if they're accurate. Positive labels, you can make aspirational, right? But negative ones, they're always going to sound like something's broken, you know, unprofessional.
I don't know. I think I'd be defensive if someone put a negative label like that on me. Oh, he said, that's a good point. Yeah, I definitely want a positive label. So what would that be? I guess if it can't be unprofessional behavior, then it'll be professional behavior. Yeah. Okay, I see how that's better to talk with him about, professional behavior. Okay, so is that sorting? Are we on to sharing? Not quite, I said. So, yes.
You've done some sorting. You have sorted everything in the past. Now you start sorting from this minute forward. Every time Todd does something... Think of the label, and you sort what he does according to the label. It's professional or it's not. Those are the only two choices. He was picturing something and nodded. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I can imagine that. He shifted his gaze to look at me and said, and then what? And then you tell Todd about the label. Ah!
He gave a little scream, as if the pen on his desk had burst into life, and then we both laughed that he had screamed. I wasn't expecting that, he said. Does it sound scary? I asked. He considered, no, actually, no. No, it sounds perfect. I just hadn't pictured it. But yeah, of course, you would have to talk with him about the label or there's no point to the sorting.
So, Brian, what do you imagine that conversation would sound like? He thought for a second and then focused on me as if I was Todd. And he said, Todd, I'd like to start a new chapter with you. From now on, I'm only going to talk with you about one thing, professional behavior. So when we have a civil conversation like this one has been so far, I will tell you, Todd, that was professional behavior. Good job.
But when something like that conversation we had last week happens, where you were yelling and cursing at me, that will not be professional behavior, and I will tell you that. I said, fantastic, Brian. could you actually say all that to him he laughed well we'll see sometimes i get scared of him which works in his favor doesn't it using his bad behavior like a threat puts a muzzle on you but not now he said
Now that he and I are going to have a label conversation. Okay, so what now? I just start sharing, right? Right. You share. Whatever you sorted. So something happens like at that client meeting. First, you sort the behavior. He said, unprofessional, no-brainer. And then you share your thoughts about it with him. Okay, okay, okay, he said. Let me give it a shot.
He closed his eyes. After a minute, he opened his eyes, looked at me, and said, Todd, your language at that client meeting was completely inappropriate. We've all been attending those meetings together a long time. We all know the rules. Can you understand why people are upset with you? As if I was Todd, I sneered, Oh!
So is this crap factory going to dictate everything I do? It's not enough they tell me what to draw. Now they're going to tell me what I can and can't say. I don't even have First Amendment rights anymore. Brian's mouth opened. But nothing came out. He froze. He finally burst out laughing. Well, it didn't take me long to crumble, did it? But that was a strong start.
I said, yes, it was. It was very strong, Brian. Amazing, actually. Really? he asked, curious, not playing. Yeah, Brian, it was great. You described what happened. Could you do it again? Always willing, he said, sure, why? Well, you know, our friend Todd really stuck it to you, didn't he? Well, that's what he does. I know, bad behavior. And, Brian, I think you invited it. Me?
Why? What did I do? You asked him an open-ended question. Can you understand why people are upset with you? Now look, Brian, I'm glad you care, but pardon me. This is not his time to share. That train has left the station. It is only time for you to share. You are going to report what you sorted, period. Okay, okay, okay, he said. Let me try it.
He took a breath and said, Todd, your language at that client meeting was not professional behavior. He took a breath as if he had more to say, and then he thought, and then he stopped. And he broke into a smile and said, I don't have to say anything other than that, do I? Not if you don't want to. He said, when you said share.
I pictured something a whole lot longer than one sentence. I shrugged. Just share what you sorted. That's managing bad behavior. What you did was not professional. Huh. That's it. Yeah, after you find the label and tell him about the label. And what if he wants to debate it, he asked. You want to try, I asked. Sure. Okay, so I'm Todd, and you tell me that wasn't professional behavior. And I say, oh.
Not professional? Are you threatening me? Are we going to have a big union thing again? He looked stunned. He was scanning his thoughts and coming up blank. I whispered to him, Just stick with the label. Over and over, give him the label. He looked delighted. Speaking to me as if I was Todd, he said, Todd, that that you did just now, that's not professional behavior either.
I'm just telling you how I'm sorting your behavior. I told you I would and I am. There is no threat. I said yes and gave a pump. He was excited. I could use the professional behavior label with Audrey, couldn't I? If it fits, why not, I agreed. But you know what, he said, considering? This doesn't have to be about managing bad behavior. This could be about managing good behavior, sort and share. I mean, why wouldn't I do this with my high performers? Good point, I agreed.
And to either group, I could say, so here's the label, whatever it is. And that's the only thing you and I are going to talk about between now and your next performance review. That would be pretty cool, wouldn't it? That is one great idea, I said sincerely. Creating the labels was easy for Brian, but he had trouble remembering to use them. But as he got better at sorting and sharing, his team began to come under control. And for him, that was a large step.
towards the look and sound of leadership one of the things that makes managing bad behavior so hard is that we have a reaction to the bad behavior brian certainly did brian kind of collapsed in the face of todd's bad behavior brian needed a way to slow himself down. He was having a reaction, right, which we often do in the face of bad behavior. Our blood chemistry changes, and we get upset in the face of bad behavior, and then we react.
often in the reaction, were not our best. Brian wasn't. But when I could help Brian slow down and think of something, he gained so much strength. And we came up with this little formula, right? It was sorting. and sharing observe someone then give them feedback was that the only possible formula that would have worked for brian i don't think so the real point was to make brian slow down i mean think about what i was asking him to do
I was asking him to observe every action of Todd's and then sort, whether it was professional or not. I mean, my goodness, when you start watching someone that way seriously, you have to slow down. And the slowing down is helpful. Brian then had choice. So one thing that Brian did to slow down was he created that little formula for himself, and he tried to stay conscious of it. It was the sorting and sharing, right?
There was another thing that Brian did that helped him slow himself down. He made time for me. He knew how valuable it was to have someone to talk with. And look, Brian was... I loved talking with Brian. He was always ready to role play and he was funny and he just learned by talking and so he just thought out loud. It was so much fun to be with him.
But even with my most introverted clients, of whom Brian was definitely not one, they often express gratitude because it's a time out. They get to stop and think, stop and... Reflect. It is a way of slowing down. I hope you have someone in your life who cares about you and who can think with you and listen to you and just... Be there in that way for you. And if you do, I hope that you come to those conversations prepared. You know, what do you want to get out of those conversations?
are you trying to get better at? Because it really is about that, right? It's not about fixing the other person who has the bad behavior. That's never going to happen. But really, I hope you have someone who can... think and listen and talk with you. And there is no shame, by the way, in having a professional, having a coach, having a therapist, wherever you find it.
I hope you have someone who can do that with you. And I hope you're grateful to those folks. I certainly am to those people who do that in my life with me. And I have many of them I'm grateful to say. I'm also grateful this month, too, from Denmark, Thomas Bond. In Italy, Dan DeMaster. In the U.S., Smiley Tricia. And Erica in Austin. Those folks... Posted reviews in iTunes this month, and I am grateful. You know, there's no network.
Behind the Look and Sound of Leadership. I don't have any kind of machine here. So your reviews really are critical to our survival. To all of you who have done it so far, thank you. If you haven't done it yet, I hope you will. Okay, back to managing bad behavior. If you're working on your management skills, there are lots of resources for you on the Essential Communications website. They're all free. You don't have to give us any of your information.
Browse around, grab what you want, and go. In the coaching tips archive, one of the filters you can sort by is management skills. There are lots of tips there for you. But another filter is feedback. Because in some ways, this is really a feedback issue too, right? I mean, Brian can do all the sorting he wants, but if he doesn't share it, nothing's going to change, and the sharing part is the feedback, right?
If you want to sharpen your management skills, look in the archive under both those filters. The archive is on the Essential Communications website, essentialcom.com. It's essentialcom with two Ms, .com. Depending on which part of this issue interests you the most, five other episodes you might listen to are discussing difficult behaviors, holding people accountable, managing disruptive executives,
managing performance up or out, and then the granddaddy of them all, sorting and labeling. If you haven't heard the sorting and labeling episode, Give it a listen. It is one of the tools that is at the very heart of The Look and Sound of Leadership. That's it for me. Until next time, I'm Tom Henschel. Thanks so much for listening.