Help Others to Help Yourself

and that's where I'm hoping this podcast can help. It's really hard to escape bad news right now. As infection rates continue to rise and the number of deaths from COVID nineteen mount, it's easy to become overwhelmed by doom and gloom and also cynicism. We've all heard of our fellow citizens selfishly hoarding vital supplies, or stores hiking up their prices for profit, or even college spring breakers partying rather than staying home. All these stories can make us

feel even more alone. In our isolation, we just assume everyone is out to protect themselves with no thought for the well being of others. But when things start to feel overwhelming for me. I always think back to one of my favorite quotes from mister Rogers. It's one that comes up a lot in tragic times like this. You know, my mother used to say, always look for the helpers, because if you look for the helpers, you'll know that there's hope. And so, inspired by mister Rogers, I started

looking for the helpers. I looked on social media at the hashtag COVID kindness, and I started to see some amazing stories. I mean, chefs giving away free food, doctor is working all hours, and whole countries joining an applause to thank their healthcare workers. But one story stuck with me in particular. A college student from New York named Liam Elkin had to spend his spring break doing something

amazing for his community. He teamed up with friends to set up a website called Invisible Hands, coordinating free grocery deliveries for the elderly and vulnerable. Liam's message of hope and solidarity went viral. Thousands of volunteers signed up to help tons of isolated folks access the vital resources they needed. But as I read more of Liam's lovely story, I kept thinking I had seen his name somewhere before, and that's when it hit me. I'd seen his name before

because he'd taken my happiness class. He was my student, which made me super super proud, but also set me thinking. I wanted to talk to Liam and ask for important tips for how we can all make a difference to and I also wanted to see if the science I had taught Liam in class was working out there in the real world. I spent the first few days of break in Philadelphia doing voter registration, and a lot of our hosts were quite elderly. They were providing us with

our meals or breakfasts every morning. These people were quickly becoming my close friend, and so it was scary to realize how vulnerable a lot of them might be. And you know, then I got home and things were getting worse. I wasn't sure if I should take the subway when I got home. I'm from New York City and my grandparents live in New Rochelle, which was had a ton of cases and the National Guard came in, and my grandparents at first were saying, oh, no, We're going to

the store every day and stuff like that. You know, my grandpa went to the zoo I think, and I said, Grandpa, like, you know, and just go home, stay at home. We'll FaceTime you. It'll be fine. But rather than just kind of throw up your hands, you decided to do something about it. A lot of people are seeing this crisis unfold and the only thing that they can do to help is nothing. Is what they're being told, right, be

a hero, stay at home. And I'm not saying that staying at home isn't important, but it feels like when you're dealing with an existential crisis, not just to you personally, but to humanity at large, you want to be able to do something. And so when you're told that the best way to do something is to not do anything, you feel very useless. That was kind of what I was looking for, is is there a way I can actively help people and just and not just passively not

make it worse? And so I happened to come across a Facebook post of a friend of mine and fellow Yale alum named Simone Policano, and she was saying, you know, is there any kind of program that connects young, healthy volunteers with the elderly, the disabled, immuno compromise, the sick, just to help deliver them their groceries, necessities, whatever it is that they may need. So I thought, wow, that sounds amazing. So I reached out to her and I said,

what if we made program like that. We built a website. We were trying to decide if we wanted the sixteen dollars a month squares space that would let you not take donations or the twenty six dollars a month one that would let you take donations, and I said, you know what, We'll probably get ten dollars. And almost immediately the reaction was insane. I mean, this thing took off pretty much immediately. People started sharing it, people started posting

up our flyers around town. News outlets started picking it up. We've been on Morning America, Fox and Friends, CNN, NBC with Lester Holt. I mean, people, I think the reason that there was such an incredible outpouring of support is because people are hungry to help right now, and people want to do good in this world that feels so bad all the time, and so if there's a way to help, people are more than ready to jump at

that opportunity. But as we grew we quickly realized, you know, this is not a thing that we can do alone. I was thinking, you know, maybe we would deliver to a couple of neighbors, and how lovely would that be. But pretty much immediately, I mean, we're now up over five thousand volunteers in New York City alone. People are reaching out from all over the country saying, hey, how can I get this started? In California, in Florida, We've

had outreached from Malaysia, Kenya, Australia. I mean, people want to help their neighbors and to come together in this time of crisis. And so it's been really really incredible to say, had you ever made a website before, like is this new team? Or I'd made one website before it is not very good. So it's been crazy, but in the best way possible. I mean, I don't know why, like our organization in particular was picked up so much, because there are a ton of amazing organizers out there

who are doing very similar work. But the fact that we were very much makes me feel the responsibility that I need to do this right and do it well and do it fast because there's such a critical need

out there. So yeah, I mean, I built a website with mine and Simone's personal phone numbers on it, and then the phone started ring pretty much immediately, and we said, okay, we should probably take our personal phone numbers off of it, but it was too late because Blake Lively had already put us on our Instagram story and so then our phone numbers were out there, and then it was an l dot com with our personal phone numbers, and we said, okay, let's make a Google Voice number, find some other way

that'll redirect to our phone numbers but won't overwhelm us. And we're just starting to get into a place where we're starting to build institutions, build alliances. The outpouring of support from the community has been amazing and it's crazy how many people want to help in this time. This is all in a week, like this has happened in a week, which is so crazy. Yeah, I have not slept. My mom said that my eyes looked like Cookie Monster's eyes. Like just I look wired, like I have not slept

in days. So talk to me about Invisible Hands, Like, what was the original idea for the organization? What did you expect it to do? So the origin an idea for Invisible Hands was that we would just make grocery deliveries to people who couldn't for whatever reason, come out of their house due to this virus or due to physical disability. A lot of people can't get to the store anyway, but they may have help that's no longer

able to come because of this virus. So it's just it's compounded a lot of difficulties in a lot of ways. And so we figured, you know, we have some time on our frequently washed hands, and so may as well do something with it. And then what we realized was a lot of these people don't just need some fruits

and vegetables, but they need some company. And in this time of social distancing, it's really isolating, and people feel really alone, and they feel scared, and they feel like they don't have a partner or a friend or an ally who can stand with them. And so one thing that we make sure to prioritize is that all our volunteers call ahead to their recipient and talk to them, Engage them in conversation, Hey, missus smith, how's your day going,

Learn a little bit about them, about their families. I've made connections with people who it turns out one woman her grand daughter goes to the preschool that I went to and is loving it, and we talked about the teacher that I had, who she has, and making connections like that people in my neighborhood whom I never would

have met. And so it's a little bit crazy to be getting that kind of social connection in this age of social distancing, and how people are able to come together when it feels like the world is pulling us

all apart. So those are kind of the main things that we started out with was the delivery service and the social aspect, but then also thanks to the incredible outpouring of financial support, we're also offering financial subsidy to the people hit hardest economically by this disease, whether they were laid off for if their freelancers and can't get any jobs right now, whatever it may be. What were

your expectations about how this was going to go. I mean, if you could head your crystal ball and it went as best as it could, what were you expecting a week ago? Best option would be I recruit my friends and they're super pumped up about it, and I'm able to go to the grocery store, make some deliveries and make some new friends. Hopefully and that is what has happened, and I have made new friends. One person I made a delivery too, sent me a picture of her granddaughter

tried to set me up with her granddaughter. And another one I brought her her delivery and she invited me in for tea and cookies. And I said, Carol, that is the exact opposite of the point you were supposed to be physically distancing from one another. And she said, okay, okay, fine, but after this thing is over, you're going to come over for some cookies and traits. And so we've been in communication over email, and so I'm really looking forward to that day when this whole thing is over and

I can come over for some cookies. But you know, I was surprised by how many people found us, but I wasn't surprised by how much people wanted to help. And as you may know from Psychology and the Good Life, which I was so pleased when I realized that you took it in amongst my thousands of students, the act of helping people is something that can boost our well being in this time of horrible crisis. So I was going to ask, do you remember kind of some of

the stuff from the class. When I had this vision that when you were setting up in Visible Hands, you thought back to the notes. Of course I had you in my mind, but you were the one who gave me the idea. I was thinking, how can I be happier? And I thought community service? And you remember me from your thousands of students, right you saw Liam Elkin. You thought that kid. I remember him well, of course I do. Yeah.

In many ways, I think that the overwhelming response to your class reminds me of the interest in Invisible Hands, because people want this world to be a better, safer, happier place, and they want to know how they can

get it there. And so I think your class offered that strategic way that you know, scientifically proven way of making yourself happier and making the world a happier place, which is similar to what we're offering, not with psychological tools, but with social tools, which are psychologically proven to be helpful and scientifically proven to be exactly the thing we need right now to increase people's sense of agency, to

increase people's sense of well being. Again, not just for the people you're helping, not for the elderly neighbor that gets her prescription, but also for the twenty something who feels lost and now has something he can do rather than just stay home. Yeah. Well, and I will say, you know, I remember you telling us that helping people you know, makes us happy. And all the deliveries that I've made have brought along new friendships with them, you know.

As I said, Carol and I communicate a lot all and I have been emailing back and forth as well. It was one woman's I think it was her seventy seventh birthday, and she was really sad that she wasn't able to hang out with her friends on that day, so we brought along a birthday card with her delivery. One person made a collage for her deliverer. I like the term mutual aid because I think it gets at the fact that it is not just a service on our part two other people, but this is a way

that communities come together and help one another out. And I think that a lot of people are really struggling with that right now. I've gotten so many calls from people who are living with immunosuppression HIV AIDS, or who are paralyzed, or even just people who are lonely and

need a friend. And I think that every time I'm able to have a conversation with people like that and help them out in some small way by bringing them groceries, which is not a huge thing in and of itself, but means a lot when you're feeling alone, I think that that has untold impacts on people's emotional well being. Now that you've heard Liam's inspiring story, I wanted to explore why his project has been so powerful. After the break, you'll learn how you can get that same benefit Liam

as from a little COVID kindness. The Happiness Lab will be right back. Why is Liam's approach so important in these tough times? The answer is twofold the invisible hands. Volunteers are bringing support intoeer to their communities, but they're also improving their own personal well being. And to help me explain the science underpinning this effect, I turned to one of my favorite social psychologists and longtime friend of

The Happiness Lab. Hi. I'm David Desteno, Professor of psychology at Northeastern University and author of Emotional Success, The Power of Gratitude, Compassion, and Pride. You may remember Dave from an episode we did on the Power of feeling gratitude. But Dave's also an expert on other social emotions and how we can use them in this challenging time to feel a little better, and that's why I wanted Dave

to help me dig into Liam's story a bit. Dave argues that Liam was able to reap the benefits he did because he tapped into a powerful social emotion, one we should all be using more right now, compassion at heart. Most of us are compassionate. Most of us really want to help other people, but what usually gets in the way is not knowing how, not knowing where to start, or even feeling like any small act we might do

might not make a difference. And in COVID nineteen it's even harder because the ways that we might normally try to reflexively reach out aren't available to us as we're socially isolating. And that's why innovators like Liam become really important. He's found a way to open a channel for us to help other people, to allow us to feel effective in what we're doing, and now people are rushing to it from all over the country, and that's incredibly inspiring.

So I want to dig into compassion a little bit because when we think about compassion, I know this is an emotion that psychologists talk about all the time, but it's not an emotion that people tend to think of. In the set of emotions like anger for your happiness, compassion doesn't come up. So what is compassion? Compassion? Yeah, I think that's true. Most of the emotions we think about tend to be kind of the ones that psychologists

often call more basic states, like anger fear. But for humans we have to master not only the physical landscape but the social landscape, and so we have this suite of emotions that have to do with interpersonal interaction again, things like gratitude, things like guilt, things like compassion. What compassion is is it's the emotion we feel when we want to give care to someone else. It's often mixed

up with empathy. So empathy these days, at least in the neuroscientific sense, means I can feel what you're feeling. If you're feeling happy, I feel your happiness. If you're feeling sad, I feel your sadness. Compassion actually is the emotion that is a caregiving emotion. I understand that you are in distress or pain, and I want to do something to relieve that, and so it's important to move past empathy to compassion. So the Buddhist monks will often

talk about this. If you're always feeling empathy, you can get overwhelmed and feel burned out. If you're trying to feel everyone's distress, Well you have to do is say, I recognize you're in distress. Let me get into the state of compassion where it motivates me to want to help you, to sacrifice for you in a way that doesn't require me to continually feel your pain and therefore

get burned out by it. This particular point about the power of compassion is really important, particularly right now, and so I want to take a second to unpack it because many of us are in positions where we have to worry about other people during COVID nineteen. Maybe you have elderly or immunocompromised relatives, or maybe you work in the medical profession and you have to help sick people

in really risky situations. Or maybe you're just an empathic person like Liam who can't help but share the fear and worry that everyone's experiencing right now, with so many people in need and suffering, it's easy to feel really overwhelmed, and that's where the science shows that compassion can really help. It protects us from feeling burned out in a time

of heightened stress. Now, you may, at first glance assume that feeling compassion for other people might make you more prone to feeling overwhelmed right now, but our most recent work shows that it actually allows them to overcome what's known as compassion fatigue or compassion burnout, which I think a lot of people are feeling right now because they're feeling overwhelmed. Take one study by Tanya Singer in her colleagues. They showed people scary news reports. As you might expect,

people naturally felt pretty bad after seeing this footage. But Singer and colleagues gave one group of subjects a compassion booster shot, one that we've talked about in previous episodes. She had our subjects attend a one day mindfulness course on loving kindness meditation, a form of meditation that's known to bump up people's compassion over time. If you want, you can try one of these practices out at the

end of the episode. So what happened after people watched these distressing videos After boosting their compassion a bit, the subject's negative emotions dropped. In fact, the people who meditated showed positive affiliative emotions when watching the screenings. The act of experiencing compassion allowed them to see people in pain and want to help them without feeling overwhelmed, which is kind of what all of us need right now. So compassion can give us the power to get through hard

times without feeling burned out. But Dave has also shown that compassion makes it easier to do a lot of the hard things we need to do right now, like self sacrificing and staying home, in order to flatten the curve. To the extent that you can cultivate compassion even among your family, it will color your views. It will change your mind's response to any instance that comes up, making

you more willing to sacrifice. By social isolating and not going out to dinner or shopping, by maybe trying to take time to call your elderly neighbor who does not know how to order food online, or taking her order and doing it for her right, it will make you more willing to do those sacrifices. I love this tip because I think anything we can do to reduce the challenge associated with what we need to do to not be just frustrated the whole time we're sitting in our

houses can make us feel better. And it seems counterintuitive, but the simple act of experiencing more compassion can just make it easier to hang out and just accept that we're sticking around in a house and it's okay, that's right.

And you know, when you think of it that way, that compassion, you understand the sacrifice and you know that the compassion that you're doing, which should normally make you want to reach out and go help someone, if you reframe it this way, no, staying home is actually helping. Then compassion can be channeled in that way, and trust me, it will make it easier for you. It focuses your value on long term outcome as opposed to what would make you feel good right now. And the reason we

do hard things. What makes us do hard things. Sometimes it's because what we think we should do, but more often it's because what we feel we should do it. If you feel you should do it, then you're not using your reason to combat your impulse inside, which is yeah, but I really want to go out or I really want to do this if you cultivate an emotion of compassion, then you're not fighting your impulse to want something else.

It's actually making you want to sacrifice for others. Compassion can give us the strength we need to focus on others in a really tough time, and that can pay huge dividends, and not just for the people who are helping through our actions. As Liam remembered from my class and saw firsthand, doing nice things for others can make us feel really good. Liam describes this as win win. It's a win for the person who's receiving help that they need right now, and it's a win for the

person who's giving that help. Giving to other people is incredibly rewarding. It makes us happy at heart. But really, I'd say this is a win win win situation, and that third win stands for the upward spiral of gratitude and compassion that's going to come from this. Right people who are helped feel grateful for that help, and we know that sense of gratitude makes them then want to

pay it forward to someone else, spreading that network. And also the people who are giving and they're experiencing compassion that makes them want to join Liam's organization. And give that compassion will continue to be of evoked in them and make them want to help even wider circles of people,

strangers that they might not even know now. And so I think that third wind is in some ways the most inspiring because what it suggests is that this network is going to continue to grow, and allowing a trusted network to grow during scary times like this can mean the difference between surviving this crisis and not. One of my favorite examples is when Superstorm Sandy hit New York City in twenty twelve. It decimated a lot of neighborhoods.

What the AP did and the North Research Institute was they came in two years later and they did a study, and what they found is that once you controlled for a lot of the degrees of physical damage that occurred, the best predictor for which neighbors whether most resilient, meaning the ability to bounce back, were those that where people felt that they could trust and count on their neighbors,

which is why programs like LIAMS are so important. They allow neighborhoods to build up trust and connection with one another. It's also important that LIAMS noticed the importance of connection right he's having his volunteers make calls to people and they're talking to each other, making that social connection. As he said, one woman was trying to set him up

on a date. And what you're seeing there is the growing of trust within a community, the growing of connection, and that's going to pay dividends moving forward, because, as I said earlier, what underlies the community's resilience is the extent to which people trust each other. And that's the same whether it's virtual communities where we can help across wide networks without being physically near each other or within

the same town. And hopefully that sense of connection won't only help people's anxiety and well being now, but will continue to foster connection and giving as we move forward and even beyond the COVID nineteen crisis. So does your research make us hopeful that if we can harness our emotions in the right way, we really can get through this crisis in a deeply cooperative way. It makes me very hopeful for that. And I don't say that in a Pollyanna sense. I say because I think that is

what's worked many times in the past. One of my favorite sayings right now that I see and I know all religions say this, but I think the Dalai Lama says it most eloquently, which is, compassion is not a luxury. It's a necessity for human survival. Right now, we need more compassion, and not in the fancy you kum bay Us sends let's just all sit down in a hippie dippy way. I mean it in a truly deep, scientific,

evolutionary way. These emotions will push us towards the cooperative behaviors that we need right now to come through this together. Compassion is what we need now more than ever. It can give us strength to sacrifice for others and can help us do so in a way that doesn't exhaust

our own well of goodwill. And as Liam's story so nicely shows, having a bit more emotional bandwidth to help others can lead to some creative new win win wins, ones where we can help the people who need it most while improving our own mental health and building communities of trust around us. Mister Rogers was right it does pay to look for the heroes, But what he didn't say is that it pays even more to become a hero yourself, and so to help you supercharge your own compassion.

I thought it'd be fun to share another quick meditation. This one is called loving Kindness or Meta. It'll take a couple of minutes, but the science shows that performing just this kind of practice over time can bump up your levels of compassion. So why don't you pause this episode right now, grab a seat, and let's get started. Now that you're sitting somewhere comfortably, it's time to close your eyes and begin to pay attent into your breath.

Just try to get a sense of how you're feeling right now, and then follow your breath as it comes in through your nose and then out through your mouth. One more time, following your breath as it comes in through your nose, a deep breath in and then out. And now I want you to bring to mind someone who's really easy to care about. This could be a partner or a child, someone you really love. People even can pick a favorite pet. And so I want you

to bring to mind this person or this critter. And I want you to feel in your heart what it feels like when you think about them. And I want you to send this individual some good wishes. I want you to think about this person and think, may you be happy, May you be healthy, may you care for yourself joyfully, and may you be safe. And just think about that individual and repeat those phrases again, and just watch what's happening in what's called your heart space, the

area just around your chest. Some people describe thinking of these things and watching that area kind of fill up a little bit. And if you don't notice anything, that's okay too. Sometimes this practice takes a while. Now I want you to bring to mind another person, someone else you're close with, and we'll walk through those same statements. Remember, see what this feels like in your heart space. May you be happy, may you be healthy, May you care

for yourself joyfully, and may you be safe. Now we'll take a second to apply compassion to someone. That's often hard to feel compassionate towards ourselves. So now take a second to think about yourself, and let's apply those same statements. May I be happy, may I be healthy, May I care for myself joyfully, and may I be safe. For some folks, it's easier to apply compassion to themselves, but some folks find it hard. So just notice what it feels like for you, and then we'll try to broaden

our compassion to an even bigger group. I want you to think of your entire community, especially all the folks that might be affected by this crisis, and I want you to send your compassion to all of them, thinking about all the folks together. May you be happy, May you be healthy, May you care for yourselves joyfully, and may you be safe. Then just repeat those statements over and over again in your head and again sort of

monitor what's happening in your heart's face. See if you can feel what it feels like to feel compassion for the people around you. And then just to close, let's take one more really deep breath in through the nose and then let's side it out through the mouth and you can open your eyes. And that was your quick introduction to loving kindness meditation. The research suggests that the act of doing a practice like that regularly can bump

up your compassion and can help you with burnout. I hope it's been useful to you during this tough time, and I hope you'll join me again for the next episode of The Happiness Lab with doctor Laurie Santos. The Happiness Lab is a Pushkin podcast. It's co written and produced by Ryan Dilley and mastered by Evan Viola. Our

original music is written by Zachary Silver. Special thanks to Ben Davis, Heather Fame, Carly Mgliori, Julia Barton, Neil La Belle, Jacob Weisberg, and the rest of the Pushkin Crew