Grover’s Super Solution to Self-Talk

Pushkin's letter the.

Letter Wrap Dot Down.

This episode is brought to you by the letter S because today we're talking about.

Oh, let me guess, sandwiches, summersaults, sea urchins, safety vests, hey snails, submarines, sunflowers.

Self talk S is for self talk, and that's what we're talking about on today's podcast.

Self talk. Yes, yes, of course that that was the next thing I was going to say.

Self talk is a powerful way to coach ourselves through stressful situations, and it works for people of all ages, whether you're an adult, a kid, a furry blue monster. Do not forget cute Laura podcast host like me who just happens to be having a pretty bad day. Our minds are constantly telling us what to do to be happy. But what if our minds are wrong? What if our minds are lying to us, leading us away from what

Listen up, everybody, Hello, was it body?

Grover? I am so glad you're here today because I could really use a lift.

Oh well, I am fantastic at lifting Waite's furniture.

You name it, I can lift it.

It's not exactly the lifting I was talking about. See, I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed today. There's so much to do at work and at home and on this podcast. It's a lot for just one me.

You know what, I hear you, doctor Lorie.

I have got a lot on my plate too, and I am just one Grover.

I work three to four jobs of day.

You know.

Sometimes I am a dog walker, other times a waiter or a delivery monster.

Once I was even an engineer.

You were. What did you build?

Oh, a very impressive tower twenty four stories tall.

Twenty four stories that is really tall.

Yes, it was built with the finest books the library had to offer, starting with the three Little Pigs at the bottom.

And ending way up at the top with my favorite story, Little Red Riding Hood.

Wow, you can really do it all. Hey, have you ever run a podcast? Because I could use the help.

Run a podcast. Say no more, I you're cute and helpful friend. Grover will do that running for you. I will run around your podcast studio faster than you can say, see you later.

See you later. Wait, Grover come back. Maybe I should have been a little clearer. I am so not on my game today. Well, since Grover is getting his steps in, I think now is a good time to welcome someone who might be able to give me some perspective on how I can better manage my tough morning.

We cannot show up as our best selves when we're stressed.

This is Sesame Workshops, Akimi Gibson.

We are currently not very good at giving ourselves enough rest or sleep. We are currently not very good at feeding our bodies what they truly need. We are currently not very good at just saying no.

As vice president and educational publisher at the Workshop, Akimi thinks a lot about the impact that stress, self criticism, and big feelings have on our ability to perform at work, parent effectively, or do things like learn.

Learning cannot take place when you're so emotionally dysregulated.

Akimi also knows the impact that stress and self criticism has had in her own life. As a frazzled single mother, Akimi had many parenting moments that tested her endurance.

Every parent understands stop and shop aisle four right.

Akimi recalls one particularly awful trip to the grocery store with her grandmother and her eighteen month old son.

By the time we hit asle four, total meltout, total, flat out meltdown.

Akimi was sorry her toddler is in such distress, but she was annoyed with her son too. His tantrum did not impress Akimi's grandma, who suggested walking away and leaving the crying child to teach him a lesson in good manners.

It's inappropriate to have a meltdown and stopping shop. She was highly embarrassed.

Akimi was torn.

I do recall feeling these flaming eyes on me, judging what I was about to do, and I had a decision. Do I please, which was my normal posture with her, Do I please my grandmother and listen, or do I reject?

Akimi's head was swirling with a stream of self criticism. She was embarrassed by her grandmother's disappointment, but she also didn't want to follow such harsh advice, so she just stood.

There and watched my child on the floor as others are walking around moving their cards because they don't want to hit the little one.

Akimi now knows what she should have done during the Aisle four moment.

I needed to catch my breath. I needed slow to my heartbeat, because otherwise I will be sending him the same signals that he was feeling, and I needed to send him a different segment.

In her role at Sesame Workshop, Akinmi now wants to teach people the tools they need to give themselves grace and tough moments like these.

They have to imagine themselves in a different way. That's hard, Laurie, it's work. We have to exercise a new kind of emotional muscle in order to get there.

But what are these emotional muscles that anyone young or old can exercise to deal with these stressful situations. To figure that out, I decided to tag in an expert on the science of emotion management, Ethan Cross.

I find it remarkable when you think about the kinds of things we teach kids. We teach them about mathematics and social studies. We teach them about physical fitness. I mean, my kids in elementary school started taking gym classes, but we don't teach them about emotions.

As a professor of psychology and Management at the University of Michigan. Ethan studies effective strategies for emotion regulation, the processes we can all use to manage tough feelings like the feeling of overwhelm that I was going through this morning.

We have occasion to regulate our emotions each and every day. And we also know from lots of really elegant longitudinal research that people who are more adept at managing their emotions effectively they do better across all walks of life. They think and perform more effectively, they have better social relationships,

But Ethan has taken this idea seriously.

So what we really want to do is try to find ways to make emotion regulation really really easy.

And Ethan's favorite really really easy strategy is the s in our Letter of the day, and that US is for self talk.

So self talk, as the name implies, involves using language to reflect on your life.

Self talk is something that you probably engage in all the time but haven't thought about all that much. If you've ever given yourself, a pep talk, run through a big speech you are preparing to give, repeat it a phone number in your mind, or even just criticize yourself. Congratulations, you've engaged in self talk. Self talk, at its simplest level, is just talking to ourselves inside our heads.

And that allows us to do many, many different things. It allows us to keep information active in our heads for short periods of time. So if you go to the grocery store and you forget what to buy, and then you think to yourself, what was I supposed to get, and then you repeat the list in your head, that's self talk. We also use self talk to motivate ourselves and control ourselves. When I'm exercising in the gym, I am talking NonStop in my head. Come on, man, You've

But unfortunately, there's also a dark side to self talk. It's what Ethan calls chatter. That's the harsh self critical voice I was using to beat myself up when I was talking to Grover earlier.

The inner critic that is chirping up to say you're not good at this, or the depressigenic kinds of self talk that we engage in that make us feel sadder. When we get caught in those negative verbal thought loops, it impairs our ability to think and perform, It creates friction in our relationships with other people, and it undermines our physical and emotional help.

If you're prone to chatter this nastier version of self talk, you know it doesn't feel nice. You may even wish you could totally silence that inner voice forever, but that's not what even recommends.

If you don't want to silence it, you just want to harness it. And I think the opportunity for parents, for kids, for human beings is to understand how this tool works so you can use it effectively.

And one of the best ways to talk to ourselves is to use what Ethan calls distanced self talk.

And what it involves doing is using your own name and or the second person pronoun you to coach yourself through a problem.

We often talk to ourselves using I or me, as in what's wrong with Me? I need to get it together. I'm off my game. But distance self talk is different. It involves talking to yourself in the second or third person, like Laurie, how are you going to get through this? Or Laurie, you got this.

If you think about when we use names and words like you, we use them virtually exclusively when we're thinking about and referring to other people. So when you use those parts of speech to refer to yourself, it's switching your perspective and it's doing it really, really quickly.

Using the words we normally use to talk to other people gives our self talk a bit of psychological distance. We feel like we're getting advice from some whyse outside of and that can help us tackle challenges with a bit more perspective than we'd otherwise have.

And it really is about using language to step back and reflect on yourself from a more objective standpoint.

And Ethan's found that having such objectivity can be super helpful. His research shows that using second or third person language helps people to cope more effectively with stressful situations. People who coach themselves using distant self talk felt less anxious and performed better during tough tasks and challenging events, and Ethan hasn't just seen the power of distant self talk in the laboratory, he's also observed its positive effects in his own family.

My oldest daughter, Maya, took up diving a couple of years ago, and divings are really interesting sport because there's a lot of opportunity for chatter, and diving.

Divers spend a lot of time sitting around waiting to perform, and when the moment comes and your name is called, you climb the diving board and stand there all alone, just waiting to jump, with all eyes on you.

And so I asked my Maya what do you do when you're waiting? Like what are you thinking about? And she's like, well, you know, first I take a couple of deep breaths and then I say to myself, you got this, Maya, you can do this, and then I just do it. And I was like, huh, that's cool, and inside my mind I had the largest grin imaginable.

But there's an additional way to take our self talk even further, a method that can supercharge our performance and our resilience. It's a simple act of pretending that we're a superhero that somebody say, Superhero, the Happiness Lab and a special surprise super guest. We'll be back in a moment.

Oh, I am so embarrassed.

Wow is that super Grover?

Though?

I mean just wow. I'm a big fan. What are you doing here?

I was called you said superhero, and now I am here? What how can I help?

Oh?

Right, of course. Well, before the break, the psychologist Ethan Cross was telling us about ways we can talk to ourselves better. Oh of course, of course he was just about to explain a new self talk strategy. And I think that that self talk strategy might involve superheroes.

Well, and you are in luck because I super Grover.

I'm a superhero, right, but I think we need to hear a bit more from Ethan before we dive in.

Dive in. I did not know we would be swimming today. I will be right back with my super swim gear, swim.

Tronks, goggles of floaty flippers, you know, the essential.

Wait, super Grover, No, we're not swimming. Dive in is just something you say, and he's out of here. Well we wait for super Grover's return. Let's have Ethan Cross unpack this idea of superhero self talk a bit more.

What do we know about superhero superheroes? They don't give up. They persevere.

Suspected that talking to ourselves as though we were superheroes might help us push through tough tasks with the determination of a cape wearing hero. He tested this theory not with adults, but with six year old children. He asked kids to perform a task that was both frustrating and boring. They had to press a button if they saw a picture of cheese on a screen, but they had to hold off pressing that button if they saw a cat.

They were told, pretend you're a superhero and then use your superhero name to coach yourself through the problem. Come on, super Lori, you can do this.

The kids who adopted the persona of a superhero stuck with the task nearly twice as long as the other children. Simple act of using this new form of distant self talk really did turn Ethan's subjects into performance superheroes. I thought that would work. Let me try again into performance superheroes. There he is right on cue.

I am back and I have got my swim gear. This super swimming superhero is ready to know.

Nice trunk, super Grover.

Thank you.

But I was trying to tell you I don't need any help with swimming.

Oh you do not.

But I do need your super self to help with something else.

What are we waiting for? I, super Grover, I am here to help.

I can always count on you.

You see.

I'm trying to practice some more effective self talk, and that's where you come in. So what would you do if you, like me, were feeling overwhelmed by today's podcast and had lots to do?

That is a good question, doctor Lorie. What do you I think I should do?

Well? I think you would be really confident. You would say something like, super Grover, you can handle anything that comes your way. Does that sound right? M?

Yeah, you keep going. What else?

You would probably talk yourself up, ideally using the second or third person pronounces ah, yes, so saying something like super Grover can do it, you know, something to remind yourself that you're strong and capable.

Oh, yes, that is good.

I would do exactly that, And I am sure this is what you were going to say. Next, I would assemble a team of super chickens to help me with any task I was confronted with.

Superchickens are quite excellent sidekicks.

You know.

Well, I wasn't necessarily going to say that, but that's great advice, super chickens writing that down as you should. But super Grover, what if you and your superchickens can't do something? What happens if you make a mistake? Well what am I talking about? Of course you never make mistakes. You're super Grover. Superheroes don't make mistakes.

No, no, doctor Lord, that is not true.

Even I asper as superheroes come.

Make mistakes every now and then, and do not forget you are super too, Doctor Lorie.

Thanks, but I don't feel so super today. You know, maybe it's time to talk to an expert, me an expert.

Well, if you say so, let me say, what can I talk about?

Uh?

Oh, I got that.

I have got that great story about top dancing sheep.

You are going to love this.

Oh, super grover. I should have been a bit clearer. My next scientist friend is already here to do the next part. But let's save that sheep story for next time, because I'm really on the edge of my seat over here.

Oh sure, sure, I can tell it to you anytime.

Because now I kind of need some advice for how to be nicer to myself with all these mistakes I keep making.

Well, that's a great thing about being a self compassion teacher, because all I have to be to be self compassionate as a flawed human being who makes mistakes. I'm very good at that.

This is u t Austin psychologist Kristin F. Kristin is totally cool admitting that she messes up. In fact, she thinks it's an important step in becoming kinder to ourselves.

We are imperfect human beings. We don't have all that knowledge at hand, and there's so many factors that are really outside of our direct control. It's hard to admit that we would really like to believe that we could be perfect if we were only to try hard enough. So this is a natural human reaction. It's just not a very effective one.

Kristen's an expert on the physical and psychological consequences of beating ourselves up when we make mistakes.

If you look physiologically, self criticism raises cortisol levels. It can lead to high blood pressure and eventually harmor physical health as well.

Most of us know that self criticism doesn't feel nice, but we still do it because we assume it's effective.

We feel that if we are compassionate toward ourselves, we're just letting ourselves off the hook. We won't try to change, We'll become lazy, you know, we'll never reach our goals or improve. But of course the research shows that's the exact opposite. What it does is it just makes you more stressed, It makes you more anxious. It just makes it harder for you to process and learn from your mistake.

But Kristen's research has found that there is another form of self talk we can use to learn from our mistakes and do better. It's what she and other scholars call self compassion. Talking to ourselves with the same kindness and care that we show a good friend. Sounds pretty good, doesn't it, But how do we do it? The first step is something we talk about a lot on the Happiness Lab mindfulness.

We have to be aware of what we're feeling in order to have a compassionate response, and that means being aware of what's happening, especially being aware of your difficult emotions or your feelings of pain or sadness or distress. So we need to listen to ourselves and admit, hey, I'm really having a hard time, this is painful, this hurts.

Becoming more mindful also requires doing something that can be really hard, especially for busy parents. You need to pause long enough to notice how you're actually feeling.

Usually we're just so caught up in what's happening moment by moment, in the stress of our lives, we don't take that pause necessary to say, how am I feeling? What do I need right now? And it's the mindfulness that really allows us to take that pause and ask that question.

The second step of self compassion is also a little tough. It involves recognizing that all the pain and hurt we're experiencing is normal and something that everybody goes through. It's what Kristen calls recognizing your common humanity.

So just remembering, hey, this is human, I'm a human being. I'm a human being trying the best I can. This is part of life, so I'm not alone.

But unfortunately, this we're all in it together. Mentality often eludes us.

Our first instinct is to flee into a sense of isolation. It's just me, there's something wrong with me. And this is like kicking ourselves when we're down, because not only are we hurting, we feel all alone. We feel isolated, we feel disconnected from others.

Recognizing our common humanity can give us a reassuring sense of belonging in tough times or when we make mistakes. Yeah, you might have messed up, but that's the human condition.

And this is what really differentiates self compassion from self pity. Self pity is self focus, feeling sorry for oneself. Self compassion is, hey, everyone's human being who struggles doing the best I can in the moment. And this is actually what It provides the buffer so that we aren't so overwhelmed by trauma or difficulty.

The third and final step of self compassion is the active part we need to engage in what's known as self kindness.

Kindness is the desire to help in some way. It involves warmth, it involves encouragement of friendliness toward ourself. And this is really what is kind of the motivational engine of self compassion, this desire to help ourselves be well in the moment.

Kristen has found that there are many ways we can show our selves kindness.

One really effective and easy way to express kindness to sue physical touch. The body doesn't really differentiate between someone else putting the hand on your shoulder or you putting your hand on your own heart. You respond the same way.

So start by giving yourself some compassionate touch or a quick self hug, and don't forget our letter of the day s. We can use self talk as a form of self kindness.

Either imagine what you would say to a friend you cared about, or what a friend you cared about you would say to you. Oh, I see this didn't go so well. Well, I'm only human. How can I improve it next time? How can I work to address this in a kind, constructive way. Do you need to call a friend? Do you need to take a break? It really gives you the emotional resources you need to own up to your mistakes and try to repair them.

It's okay if these self compassion steps don't yet feel intuitive. Kristen's work has shown that it does take practice, but the benefits are huge. Individuals who use more compassionate self talk perform better, they eat healthier, and have stronger marriages. Kids who are more self compassionate are more resilient in the face of bullying and study harder when they get a bad grade. And self compassion helps people of all ages better face up to their mistakes.

You're more able to say, hey, really messed up here, but really importantly, they are more motivated to repair the harm done.

And one final amazing benefit of self compassion it seems to be contagious.

If you hear someone else being self compassionate out loud, you are more than likely to have your internal dialogues be self compassionate.

Not only will more compassionate self talk improve your life and your relationships, it's also a great way to set an example for your children. Seeing grown ups act kindly towards themselves can help young people learn to be nice to themselves too, and to do so much earlier in life.

Could you imagine, Laurie, if you had had self compassion skills when you were in middle school, what a difference it would have made, you know, And so if we can give our kids that gift, it's just it helps so tremendously.

After the break, we'll get concrete about what we can do to build these self compassion skills, both for ourselves as adults and for the young people in our lives. We'll learn specific strategies for putting mindfulness, common humanity, and self kindness into practice, and if we're lucky, we may be able to do that with help from a special super Monster volunteer.

Ooh, what specials? Super Monster volunteer sounds exciting.

I cannot wait to hear that.

Super Grover. I'm talking about you. You're the super Monster Volunteer.

Oh well, of course I am.

That is right, The Happiness Lab and me, Super Grover. We'll be back after the break. We're back with the Happiness Grover podcast and I'm here with Super Lab. Wait a minute, I think you.

Might just say Happiness Lab podcast and Super Grovery.

Yeah I did. How frustrating. I'm still all over the place today. And what's worse is I've got a superhero as a guest on my podcast. I should really be bringing my a game.

Ooh, that sounds fun and a game. How do you play no, No.

No my? A game that means when you're doing your best, which is not what I am doing right now. But I wonder if I could do better if I had a little self talk help, super Grover, do you think you could help me be a little kinder to myself?

Of course, doctor Laurie, kind is a superpower, you know.

Yes, that's just what my friend Kristin Nef was explaining to me. She says, it takes practice, but we can be kinder to ourselves.

Like we are kind to others exactly, and kind to cute little furry animals, yeah.

And kind to plants and to pretty little flowers, and to bugs like worms and beetles, and to our neighbors.

Like Cookie Monster and Rosita and Alan.

And creating Superbriel and Zoey, and to.

Me absolutely And now I was hoping that you could help me try out some of the self compassionate self talk strategies that Kristin had shared earlier. What do you say?

I say hello me to demonstrate am talking to yourself with compassion?

One oh one first step mindfulness.

That's when we slow down and pay attention to our bodies, feelings and what's around us.

Yes, so let us pretend I am having a hard time rescuing a kitty from a tree. I would say something like, I am feeling frustrated this cute and adorable kitty will not come down from this tree.

Well done, super Grover.

Thank you. Now on to step number two, common humanity.

This is when we tell ourselves that we all feel this way sometimes.

So I would say, super Grover, it is okay. Even superheroes struggle with getting kitties down from trees sometimes.

Way to go, super Grover.

But wait, there is more.

Step number three self kindness.

That is when we are kind to ourselves.

For example, after trying to get that kitty cut out of the tree, I realized it was actually just a squirrel who did not want to leave the tree because that is where he keeps all of us.

Nuts selling me. But it is okay that I made a mistake.

I am still super super Grover. That was awesome. You make self compassion look so easy. Ah.

Yes, wow, that is what superheroes do. And now it is your turn to give it to try. Doctor Lorie.

Well, ok here it goes. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed today, but that's Okay, I'm an experienced podcast host and a happiness expert, so I can get through this. How did I do?

That?

Was wonderful, spectacular, amazing, And dare I say super thank you?

You know, I think I'm finally getting it. There's just gonna be days when you need to be your own coach and to talk yourself up instead of down. And when we do that, well, we can model it for our kids. It can help the young people in our lives to be their own coaches if we teach and model healthier forms of self talk. Right, super Grover, Yes, absolutely, you know. I'm really glad you crash landed into the

I have you have?

Of course I have.

Yes, I am an expert and kind and compassionate self talk.

You know that you are a real expert in.

And because I am such an expert, I have a little something for you to read.

What's this?

I've taken the liberty of writing your outro you and all of your podcasts listening friends. Go on, give it to Louie.

Okay, I'll give it a go. Thank you for tuning in to the podcast. You have been wonderful listeners, and I, Doctor Laurie, have been a wonderful podcast host until next time. This is your smart, friendly, kind and happy host, Doctor Laurie Santos. Uh, super grover. How do I say this next part? There are a lot of extra letters in there?

Yes, like this good bye body.

Saesame Street is the street where everyone is always welcome. And I hope my new friends have felt just as at home here at the Happiness Lab.

We did, doctor Loriie, Yeah, we had a lot of fun.

Oh that makes me.

Feel morm and fuzzy delight. It filled with joy.

Yes Grober and if I could add one more happiness ah, Doctor Lourie, thanks for listening to the Happiness Lab podcast.

Bye bye bye bye bye bye play podcast.

People see you next time.

The Happiness Lab is co written and produced by Ryan Dilly. Our original music was composed by Zachary Silver, with additional scoring, mixing and mastering by Evan Viola. Jess Shane and Alice