Dr Laurie and Sesame Street: Abby Cadabby and the Magic of Gratitude

Pushkin. Hello, Hello, Hello, let's get started. If you're a fan of The Happiness Lab, you probably know the show's origin story. As a college professor, I started worrying about the levels of stress and anxiety I was seeing in my students welcome everybody to psychology and the good life. So I developed a class on the science of Happiness. That we're going to start by talking about why I'm

That's us high up friends, Hello everybody.

These were the real tutors that young Laurie had growing up. These monsters and fairies and giant yellow birds are great at passing along important life lessons to kids while also making them feel happier, and they've been doing it for over fifty years. So in honor of my younger self, the Happiness Lab is partnering up with Sesame Workshop, the

Let's go, Doctor Laurie. Oh, I am so excited. This is gonna be so magical.

Thanks so much, friends and Abby. I'll be seeing you a little later to talk about this episode's big happiness topic tell me more. But before we get started, I wanted to explore why it's never too early or too late to start learning the happiness essentials. So I've tagged in the expert on charting well being across a lifetime.

I adored Sesame Street, like Cookie Monster, Oscar the Grouch. I just adored Sesame Street.

This is Harvard Medical School professor and fellow Sesame Street fan, Robert Waldinger.

I would sit there with my kids on the couch watching Sesame Student. I'd be the one laughing the hardest.

Robert has a rather unique academic pedigree. He's a psychiatrist, a best selling author.

And I direct the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which is the longest study of adult life that's ever been done.

The study tracks of physical and mental health of people across decades. It started in the late nineteen thirties when researchers began following the lives of one cohort of Harvard sophomores and then another group of inner city teams from Boston. Robert and his predecessors have followed these men as well as their partners and their children for over eighty years.

And what we studied was the great big themes of life, which are mental health, physical health, work, life relationships, and then as people got older, aging and retirement.

This mega experiment has now provided pretty much the definitive word on the stuff that matters for achieving a healthier, happier life and spoiler alert. The findings include lots of the strategies we talk about on this podcast, like making sure you invest in relationships, develop a sense of purpose, and avoid the happiness traps that come with striving for

What you learn to do as a child really influences your happiness as an adult.

Let's take one key happiness skill emotion regulation. That is, the ability to monitor and manage your feelings. We think of this as something that adults are supposed to do, but kids who are more skilled at regulating their emotions do better in school and have stronger family and peer relationships. Plus they're less likely to develop anxiety and depression later on.

And so learning those skills when we're young makes a big difference in how well we manage the stresses of life that are always coming our way at every age.

And Robert says that whenever big feelings do pop up, there are ways to deal with them that are surprisingly simple.

Taking time out when you're upset or when something's really difficult. Kids can learn to take a few breaths to kind of calm down when they're really upset about something that helps them figure out how to cope better with a challenging situation.

And teaching tips like these early on is pretty straightforward, especially the kids grow up in a home where the adults around them take these happiness strategies seriously.

You know, family life is the first world that we come to know. We learn a lot about how to be happy from the people we grow up with, and so a lot of those models that we get from our parents, from our siblings, from other family members are really important.

When it comes to soaking up the behaviors they observe around them. Kids are total sponges, and that means that children will model both the good and bad habits they see their caregiver as using. It's a truth of human psychology that Robert took to heart when raising his own family. He realized that if he wanted his kids to engage in the happiness boosting strategies he observed in his Harvard study, then he'd have to model those behaviors himself.

And so what I began to see was that as a parent, the best thing I could give to my kids was a sense that what's really meaningful is your connections with other people and your engagement in activities you care about.

But adults can't just pull a hey, do as I say.

Move.

We have to authentically follow the advice we're giving the young people around us.

And a lot of what we communicate to our kids is emotional communication. It's not just what we say, it's the feelings that we convey in how we interact with our kids. So if we can come to our kids from more of a place of equanimity and self care, that's what our kids are going to learn from us. That's so valuable.

We might long for the young people in our lives to be happy, but we don't always model the behaviors we want to see them adopt. We tend to neglect our own well being because we're too busy with our careers, or with parenting, or with caring for elders. But Robert says that's a mistake.

I mean, I know this as a physician, that if you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of other people very well. Physicians happen to be not very good at taking care of themselves. Parents can be not very good at taken care of themselves.

But if emotional self care is something with which you perpetually struggle not to worry, the science shows you're not doomed to repeat the cycle endlessly.

We used to think that once you got to be maybe in your twenties, you were cooked, you were done, your personality was set. And now we realize that there is so much growth and change that happens over adult life.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development found that participants were able to build new friendships and learn new skills well into old age. And I've seen the same thing myself. I've gotten thank you notes from students of all ages telling me just how quickly they were able to put new happiness strategies into practice.

And what that tells us is that there's always the possibility for new things happening in your life and for developing new new skills.

And so if developing new skills is why you're listening, I'll get going and kick off this new season with one of Robert's favorite happiness boosting practices a change to our thought patterns that so simple everyone can try it, and I'm going to tell you all about it with the help of the folks at Sesame Street. By the way, did I mention that we have a letter of the day?

The letter.

And why is g today's letter of the day, Because the rest of the episode is about powerful thought change. It's called gratitude, the simple act of noticing all of life's blessings.

If we can remember what's right, and particularly what's right about other people, it can really change our mindset and with that literally make us feel better and literally then make us physically healthier.

As we go about our daily routines, moving from one task to the next, it's easy to switch into autopilot to forget all the things that are going right, which is bad enough, But an even bigger problem is that when some annoyance or hassle in life disrupts our routines, we definitely tend to notice that. So why do our minds zero in on the hassles in life? And how can we shift our focus to gratitude instead? Well, I've got just the Sesame Street friend to ask. She's someone

Yes, I'm grumpy.

It started when I wanted a banana with my breakfast, but my little brother Rudy.

Ate the last one.

He didn't even know I wanted it. But still no banana for me.

And then when I.

Was getting dressed, I couldn't wear my favorite sparkle socks.

Do you know why Why?

Because they were in the dirty, stinky laundry.

Sounds like you're having a rough morning.

Yeah, and I can't find my lovey.

Wait have you seen him, doctor Lorie.

He's a frog prince and he's got a tiny crown and there's a little grape jelly on his belly.

No, Abby, I haven't seen him. See.

That's why I'm grumpy.

I understand why you're feeling grumpy, Abby. That can happen when things don't go the way you expected. Yeah, how about we try on activity to help you feel a bit better. I think you'll like it. It's magical.

Magic.

I'll use my magic to make my grumpies go away.

Wait, Abby, that's not what I meant. I was actually talking about gratitude.

Okay, here goes.

Let me see I'm feeling grumpy today. Come on, magic and pop it away, zippity.

What do you mean?

Oh no, oh no, okay, I think this is a good time for a break. The happiness will be right back. Yikes, it's okay, Abby, we'll get to the bottom of this.

We're back and things are.

Doctlorry bananas bananas? Yeah, I guess things are bananas. Wa Abby, Why are your bananas all over the studio?

It's making things worse. Oh it's itchy.

What's itchy?

Oh?

My sparkly socks.

They're on my feet now where they're so itchy and scratchy old scratch.

Oh they're so.

Abby. I don't mean to interrupt, but is that a frog in the studio?

Prince?

Doctor Lori, it's my lovey prince. I found him.

That's great, But isn't he supposed to be a stuffed animal?

Frog?

Magic mistake. Ohoy, better go catch that frog. Oh I wish he sucks. Weren't so etchy, prince? Come on, no, no, no, no, don't you do that.

No, don't go do that, door prince.

And there she goes. Well, as you can tell, we're still a bit caught up in the hassles this morning. So while Abby hops off to catch her frog, I think now is a good time to welcome our next guest. A champion of noticing the good things in life.

I was walking across our campus this morning and I was just appreciating the huge old trees on our campus and just they just were bringing me this joy.

Sarah Aljo is a professor of psychology and neuroscience at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Sarah is an academic expert on the science of gratitude, but she's also skilled at noticing good things in her own life, whether those things are the trees she sees on her commute to work or all the kind things people in her life have done.

My sister sent me a text this morning and it was like perfectly timed. I was like, Ah, she's so great. That's what I love about her, you know, right on time.

But Sarah admits that focusing on the blessings in life doesn't always come naturally for us.

There are so many opportunities for negativity.

Our minds spontaneously gravity to all of life's hassles. Those missing socks and lost stuffed animals tend to naturally capture our attention. It's a tendency the psychologists call the negativity bias, and the negativity bias feeds on itself. Focusing on the hassles can become the vicious cycle, one that makes us feel grumpy but also has a negative impact on the people around us.

If you step back and think about it, other people's emotions affect us all the time, and so that means that our emotions affect other people too, and so so it really can spill out and spread.

Can we prevent the storm of negativity from hurting us and the people we care about? We need a little dose of g for gratitude. We need to notice the good stuff in life. But how do we do that when everything feels like it's going wrong? Sarah says the first step is just a hit pause.

And that's really hard for people to do, especially when it feels like a cyclone of really bad stuff happening.

Pausing allows us to redirect our attention. It helps us divert our minds from all the stuff that's going wrong, so we can ask the question, what's going right?

Okay, well wait, there was something good today? What was the good thing? You know? What are it just like right in this moment? What is one thing that I appreciate?

And that gets us to the next step of experiencing gratitude noticing.

If we don't notice, there's no gratitude. That's the bottom line. If you have any chance, I guess of increasing your gratitude, it has to be through just taking a moment to notice.

It can often be hard, especially for kids, to take a breath and notice the blessings that are out there, and that, Sarah says, is where parents come in. They can help kids find the good stuff. Of course, that doesn't mean dismissing or diminishing the negative stuff that someone is experiencing. A cyclone of bad things may really be happening and probably doesn't feel all that good, but we can still point out some stuff that's going well in

And that's actually one of the reasons that I've been studying gratitude for so long is that it can really be so good for shoring up our relationships.

Sarah's research has focused a lot on the social benefits of gratitude, especially those that come from acknowledging the nice things that people do for us, like Sarah did earlier with her sister's well timed text message.

You know what's going to happen. I'm going to call her this weekend. Because of that that feeling of gratitude.

Gratitude often causes virtuous cycles like this. Feeling thankful prompts us to act in ways that increase the bonds we have with other people. It's why Sarah proposed what she calls the find, remind and bind theory. The theory goes something like this, when we take time to find examples of the nice things that people do for us. That can remind us that we matter to the people around us.

As soon as we notice that someone's done something nice for us, it can really draw attention to the fact that we have people in our lives who pay attention to us and care.

For us, and that reminder that we matter can prompt us to better bind to the people we love.

Gratitude really motivates us to make sure that those people who just made us feel good really understand that we like them too.

Sarah's research has shown that gratitude can also lead to more pro social behavior. It motivates us to spontaneously do kind things for the people we love.

And those are just the kind of thing that we want in our families, right, is to really have each other's backs.

It's one of the reasons that Sarah thanks all families need a little more gratitude, not just noticing the world around them, but specifically noticing the good deeds that one relative might do for another.

And it does take a little bit of a commitment, but one of the nice things about family is that we can kind of reinforce those opportunities through ritual.

For example, that might be parents introducing a gratitude practice at dinner before we eat, what's one thing that went well today? Or was there someone who did something kind for you today. Parents can also model these practices themselves. If your child did something that you appreciated, even if it was something they were kind of supposed to do anyway, take time to notice and appreciate that behavior. Sarah's work shows that such acts of gratitude won't just feel good.

Parents have an opportunity, I think, to help lay the groundwork for helping kids learn how to cultivate gratitude in their lives.

When we get back from the break, we'll learn other practical ways we can put these gratitude strategies into effect even during times that are particularly stressful or just frustrating. In itchy and uh ribbety as it were, Ibby and I and uh maybe Prince. I'm not sure we'll be back after the break. Welcome back to the studio where the magic has stopped. All is in order. I'm here with Abby and I'm happy to report her spell has been fixed.

No bananas, no witchy socks. And no real frogs.

But I'm still grumpy.

I'm happy that my spell is fixed, but why did it get all messed up in the first place.

Sounds like today had some ups like fixing your spell, and some downs like well everything going wrong this morning?

Uh huh.

But instead of focusing on the ups, you're still stuck on the downs, on what the grown ups might call the hassles.

Yeah, I don't want to be grumpy anymore.

I think I know something that might help, and I'm telling you it really is magical.

Huh, But I tried that already. Magic didn't fix my grumpy.

Well, it's a different kind of magic, one that doesn't include any spells or ones. I'm talking about the magic of gratitude.

Gratitude.

What's that Gratitude is when we see and notice things that make us feel happy. The ups like how I'm grateful that I get to make a new episode of my podcast today, or how I'm grateful I get to see a really cool tree on my walk this morning.

Oh yeah, trees are the best.

When we notice what we're grateful for, it can help us get through the day. Noticing and appreciating the things around us can make us feel happier. Why don't you give it a try. What's something you're grateful for?

Habby huh, well, I think I need a little help.

Of course, that's what I'm here for. What's something you can see that makes you feel happy?

Oh?

I see a plant, that little green one over there in that yellow pot.

I got one just like that in my garden.

Oh. I love being in my garden with my plant and flower friends.

It's great. Abby nature is something to be grateful for. Okay, let's try again. What do you hear?

Uh? Oh, I hear birdie chirps. That's a bird's wave saying hi.

Oh. Aren't animals magicals?

They are?

See, you're grateful for animals. How about one more? What something you can touch?

Oh?

Oh, oh, my lovely prince.

I'm grateful I can give him a big hug whenever I need, like now. Oh, and I'm grateful that he's not a real frog.

Yeah. I'm also grateful for that last one. But see, I'll be by looking around and using your senses, you came up with three wonderful things to be grateful for.

Yeah, and if I keep looking around, I'll be grateful about even more things.

And then poof my grumpy day will really go away. Oh great idea, doctor Lorie.

I gotta find more things to be grateful for, like my sneakers, Oh in these cool microphones.

Oh and this shiny door handle, and oh what's over there? I think I'm grateful over there.

Wait, Abby, that's not exactly what I meant. And there she goes again. What I was trying to tell Abby before she zipped out is that we can also be grateful for people. As psychologist Sarah Aljo explained, noticing and appreciating the kindness of others can increase our sense of

Being grateful is looking at the situation and the experience for what it is.

This is rossio glarsa.

It is looking at the challenge and acknowledging that there are challenges, they're difficulties, but also looking at the good, looking at the kindness, looking at the good things that are happening around us, not as a way of avoiding the challenge, but as a way of taking a break and energizing ourselves to be able to cope with the challenges and the difficulties.

Rossio is the vice president of SESAME Workshop Social Impact Division, a group that works to help families who are going through stressful situations.

So those are not only the stressors of everyday life, but they're huge stressors. We're talking about substance abuse, homelessness, hunger, community violence. I mean, there's so many stressors that we're supporting them through.

To face challenges as complex as these, Rossio says that families need to go back to the basics. They need simple and easy to remember strategies to take care of themselves.

And many of them do use gratitude as that strategy.

The first benefit gratitude provides in tough times is a much needed infusion of positive emotion, which is important because we definitely need positivity and stuff health care when we're facing challenges.

Leeds sometimes think that being strong is pushing through difficulties, right, I just have to get through this and I'm just going to face it. But we all also need times to energize, and gratitude is one of those strategies that help us do that, and help us do that in a very practical way.

But the second benefit gratitude provides is the one I was trying to tell Abby about. Feeling grateful for other people can help to reduce our sense of loneliness.

One of the biggest challenges for families when they're going through big difficulties is feeling alone, is really feeling isolated.

Remember doctor Sarah al Jo's fine remind and bind idea. Noticing the blessings that other people provide can make us feel more connected, and during challenging times, that can remind us of all the friends and family members who really do have our backs.

That's when you start discovering the people around you that are there for you.

When Rocillo was developing a set of Sesame workshop materials dealing with she met many families who'd lost someone important, But rather than dwelling just on their loss, she noticed that some families tended to focus on the folks who'd helped out, people who showed up to watch their kids or help with dinner.

Even though there's really difficult moments in our lives, there's always goodness and kindness around us.

Rossillo was surprised by the resilience of these grateful families and just how often they were able to notice good things and particularly the good people in the midst of their grief.

And so it was really special because it was gratitude that they had in the moment, but also this collective sense of oh, this happened to me too. I wasn't alone in having this experience.

But acknowledging the good things in life when you're at your lowest point isn't easy. We can feel like we're drowning in sorrow, and Rossillo says that's why it's so important to learn this skill of gratitude as early as

Being able to have gratitude as part of your toolkit from the very beginning. Something that becomes just part of the things that you do that we just practice is something that we can give them for the rest of their lives.

And so Rosso has some advice, not just for folks currently navigating tough times, but for anyone who wants to make sure their resilient skills are sharpened before things get tough.

Let's practice it, let's trive be grateful.

Oh, Abby, there you are.

Hi, doctor Laurie.

I went all around Sesame Street finding things to be grateful for, the basketball hoop near the community center and Alma blowing bubbles and me popping them like this.

That's great, Abby, And how do you feel?

Well?

I was feeling better, but then I saw stinky sawking out of oscars can.

Sounds about right.

Yeah, And it made me think about my dirty sparkly socks and then how my magic made them all itchy, and well I felt grumpy again. I thought gratitude was magic. Wasn't it supposed to make all my grumpies go away?

Gratitude is magic And just like how you practice your magic as a fairy in training, you have to practice gratitude too. And parents for kids out there without magic wands and wings. They can think of it like brushing their teeth.

Oh, I brush my teeth too, in the morning and at nine, right, Brushing your teeth is part of your routine that you do every day.

Gratitude is something you can add to your routine too, I can't yep. By practicing gratitude a little every day, you'll start to notice more and more things you're grateful for, and that'll help you feel happy. And that's the magical part.

Oh, I get it now.

It gets a little more magical every day the more you practice, like learning to tie your shoes, oh, or doing it to turn a sandwich into a helicopter.

Your sandwich into a what a helicopter, you.

Know, for when you need a yummy lunch that travels well.

Right, of course, maybe you can make me one someday.

Oh, I'd love to.

I just gotta keep on practicing that spell. It takes a lot of tries to turn a pickle slice into a propeller.

Uh, I'm sure. But speaking of practice, I've got something we can practice together. Here are some things you can say each and every day to help you appreciate the things and the people around you are you ready to try?

Ready?

Okay? Who's one of your favorite people around?

Oohe my brother Rudy. Great.

Now think about Rudy and finish this sentence. Rudy is kind to me when he Rudy is kind.

To me when he oh oh, when he helps me in the garden. He helps me water the flowers and feed the birdies. And when we're done, we make mud castles together. Oh, playing with my brother.

See doesn't it feel nice to be grateful for family? And we can be grateful for friends too.

Oh yeah, uh, I'm grateful for all my friends Emma and Big Bird and Rosita and even.

Oscar, Oscar the Grouch. That's a fun gratitude challenge. Can you think of a time when Oscar was kind? Ah, that's easy, it is.

Yeah.

Oscar is kind when he takes care of his pet worm, Slimy.

Oh, he just loves that little worm.

See. We can even be grateful for grouches who no. Thanks so much for practicing gratitude with me, Abby, I think that's our show.

Well wait, wait, wait, I got one more thing I'm grateful for. What's that for learning a new kind of magic, the magic of gratitude? And for you, Doctor Lorie, for teaching it to me.

Oh thanks, Abby Twinkloud. In the next episode of this special collaboration are Sesame Street Friends will help us tackle the challenge of how we can better manage our big feelings. Of course, Sesame Street is the place where sunny days sweep the clouds away. But when I sat down to chat with the next episode's guest, Big Bird, the street was not so sunny. Isn't that right, Big Bird?

That's right, Doctor Lorie.

I was excited to roller skate around Sesame Street today, but now it's all rainy and wet outside and I can't skate anymore.

What strategies should we use when our plans get thwarted and big feelings like disappointment or even sadness and anger come up? To find out? Be sure to come back for our next special Sesame Street episode, all about feelings.

I feel excited to hear it.

Me too, Big Bird, Me too. The Happiness Lab is co written and produced by Ryan Dilley. Our original music was composed by Zachary Silver, with additional scoring, mixing and mastering by Evan Viola. Jess Shane and Alice Fines offer