Episode 70: Learning to be on Time(ish)

I am Jenna Zint and this episode is about being my habits that I've learned to be on time-ish . I am a type B person . I actually just got off a coaching call with a client today . It's funny how many of the people I work with are attracted to work with me because they're type B as well .

When you go to someone who's type A and it's just a little more natural or intuitive , it almost feels like their systems don't work as well . For those of us who it's not naturally how we're wired or ingrained , you know , and we have to almost use different muscles to get the same results that everybody else does , you know .

So being on time is one of those areas that , like I , honestly , it's universally true . For me , I never would miss shifts at work , but I would definitely get barely squeaked in or be two minutes late or always running in to get the kids or running into class to not miss the bell .

It's just been the story of my life and I think what came with my chronic tardiness was a lot of anxiousness on the way and then a lot of shame for how it affects other people and then even just like , why can't I get this together ? And it was just .

It was probably one of my biggest unhelpful habits , like bad habits , that had the most emotional impact on me . It would just like stress all the way there until I was late and then stress all the way after , and I'd always wanted to do it differently and never figured I could . I felt like impossible , like it felt beyond my capacity to like crack the code .

So I have since do becoming better with my habits and my time management of the flow of my day . I've actually gotten a lot better . I am still nowhere near what my husband or other people who are more type A linear thought processing people , more structured , naturally are , but I've made like major growth , growth , like leaps in this area for myself .

So I wanted to talk a podcast about it , but it wasn't until like I would work with different clients who want to go after this area that I realized , oh my gosh , like what I experience is actually so common for other people . So just kind of have an honest conversation about that .

What it feels like some of the myths or the judgment or feedback that you can get as a person who's chronically late and man , it's just , it's way more emotional . It feels like such a logistic thing , but there were so many big motions underneath it .

So yeah , first off , I want to talk about how , when I was saying that it's just harder for me than other people , even though I'd really like desperately want to be on time , there is an aspect of ADHD where there's some time blindness with it .

And whether or not you have ADHD , I do think that certain people just have a harder time with the concept of how much time has passed and that's kind of like , if you haven't heard of the phrase time blindness , it's kind of a trending concept nowadays for those of us who have a hard time , like want to get better at it , are not like flippant and don't not

care that we're late , but then don't feel like we can't figure out how to do it differently . You know our best intentions , most energy , that we want to be on time , yet somehow we're always in this pattern , you know , and one one of my realizations of like okay , actually my brain is wired differently with time .

Like Aaron can manage and interact with time in a way that is so not how my brain works . So for me realizing , okay , that's not an excuse , because most of the people I work with and then just what's true for my personality is I never .

If I discover something about my personality or how my brain works with ADHD , I never want to empower an excuse because I think one that's a little hopeless . And with God and with the things we've learned about , like you know , atomic habit , going after growth little bits better , nothing is actually hopeless .

It feels like I'm like maybe I won't get the same results . The goal is no longer that I'm going to look like Aaron , but it's also being time blind is not an excuse to not grow in this area . So that tension for me of like , hey , this is actually a real constraint , but it's also not saying it's hopeless , nor is an excuse to continue in this way .

So just talking to that tension , like you don't want to live out of a place and excuse , but you also want to give language to why it's harder for you to grasp it maybe than other people , and it's funny because we do so much marriage coaching that there's often one person in the marriage that has more of a time blindness .

And for me , one of the things that was helpful is just realizing that , okay , I'd be aware of what time it was and I'd have to do this task before I leave and I would

be thoughtful , and I'd have to do this task before I leave and I would be thoughtful and I would have been dressed and I would have , but what ? I would always end up late and I was like how does this happen ?

And finally , one of the main common things that I noticed that helped me like one of my edits to my habits that really helped me be more on time-ish is that I underestimate chronically how long things take . So if I think like , for instance , I have to leave to pick up the kids in 15 minutes , I think I always spent my time well .

It wasn't like I was scrolling and then I was late , or I was taking a nap and then I was late . There's a lot of narratives about reasons why people are late , to be careless , and I think that's one of the reasons I felt so much shame and emotion around this , because I was like none of that is true . I actually do not want to be a late person .

I care that my employees or my coworker it impacts them . I care that my friends are waiting for me , but how can I not manage this ? And with this time blindness I realized how often I would be like , cognizant of I have to go by this time , so I need to leave and I need to throw in this laundry . But what I wasn't , what I finally realized .

One of the gaps for me was I chronically underestimated how long things took .

So I would think it would only take me three minutes to move the laundry , not like finish it , not like fold it , but really it would take 10 minutes by the time I got the basket out or found , tracked down an empty basket and then moved the stuff from the dryer , then emptied the thing and then moved over the from the dryer , then emptied the thing and

then moved over the you know wet clothes and then it started another load . Like in my brain . I just realized how often I was truly like five to 10 minutes , underestimating how many things , how long things took . So that was one of my starter steps . If I just . It was actually my husband , aaron , who was like , hey , what if you ? He was really kind .

I mean , it frustrated him , like this was actually a pretty big point of contention because he's a high value for being on time and I did too . I just couldn't crack the code . So he was like what if you just add 10 minutes to your estimate of how long things take ? So that helped me .

And then , being honest about actually tracking the data of how long things tasked took versus how long I thought they took , like in my head , versus actually .

I'm going to time myself and see how long this takes so that the next time I only have five minutes before I need to walk out the door , I'll know like when the thought pops up , just go ahead and run that laundry . I'll know like I actually don't have enough time .

So to me , like going on this journey of being aware that I see time wrongly and that I can't not trust in a negative way , but I can't actually trust my intuition with how long things take or if I have enough time , but I actually have to figure it out .

So sometimes some of my workarounds , like I said , is actually timing myself or adding 10 extra minutes or reminding myself I'll get this impulse of like oh , I'm just going to quickly unload the dishwasher before I get on my Zoom call and then remembering like hey , actually , maybe you have enough time for that , maybe you don't .

It would be better to go upstairs and sit down and actually wait for one or two minutes and do the

dishes afterwards than tried . It's this like chronically trying to cram and be so effective with my time that I would try to like . It almost reminds me , like you know , cinderella , the story where her stepsisters tried to like squeeze their big foot into her little slipper and they're like using a shoe horn .

I was like that's what I did with tasks all the time and like , okay , what if we stop trying to do that and being more realistic of like oh , okay , let's not actually try to cram that in , because that creates stress and chaos and more mistakes are made .

Why don't we actually be okay , not using all your margin to do tasks so that you're then pushing your timeline out ? And that took off a lot of internal pressure to realizing like okay , with partially just realizing like it's going to take me longer in this area Cause I had a lot of judgment towards myself I'm going to get into in the next um .

My next point is about the judgment people have for people who are late , like kind of some common thoughts or phrases you've probably heard whether you're someone who's on time , and these are thoughts running in your head about the people who are late , or if you're in like my camp , like can't figure out how to be on time , to say like can't figure it out .

You've heard these things like repeated to you about your motives or your thoughts . So , anyways , when I just realized like this is an area that my brain does not work quite like everybody else's , it took some of that judgment off of myself and I untangled the heaviness that I felt like I'm not giving up .

It's not an excuse , but nor am I going to feel this deep weight of pressure that I felt from external and internal forces . This is just something that's going to take me longer . I'm going to be dogmatic about sticking with it , but let it be slower than maybe for someone else . Okay .

So what I used to hear some of this pressure came from and I'm sure if you're someone who's late , you've heard these things a lot , or if you're type A , you've probably said these things or thought these things . It's the idea that the people who are late don't care about other people's time . I'm trying to think I should have written them down .

What is it that ? If you , it's a value statement to my value about them , like if I valued you more . It was like a laziness . Sometimes there's this assumption that we were wasting time . That's how we relate .

I would say those are the top three that I heard is you don't care about other people if you're late because you don't care about the time , you don't value them , or you're lazy because you were procrastinating for that .

So for me , that was like because I heard it from other people who felt that way , or even just repeated as like an idea , like a concept .

I felt so much shame when I'd be late , like so now we're gonna fast forward , like that's why I was often late was this mismanagement of how long things actually took , trying to cram in extra tasks , chronically underestimating how long things took .

And then another thing I realized , another shift in my habits that helped me be less late , was adding , when I do my daily schedule , actually add on commuting or transition time so that it , like it , bings on my watch , dings on my watch when I need't leave immediately after teaching .

If I take Q&A or let people come talk to me at the podium , I'm going to be even late for my coaching . I will practice that in the morning and as I'm going in I'll remind myself .

Okay , you actually cannot have a conversation because you being nice and then being like to this appointment by blowing through your timeline , you then are going to be the ripple effect is be late to your next one . So you might have to feel like you're being less kind by leaving promptly and not having that casual conversation .

But that is kindness to your next appointment , because I think I would , in kind of being a people pleaser , I'd often let not want to hurt people's feelings and then it was like there was all .

I was always the loser in the situation versus like it can actually be kindness to hold your schedule , hold the firm line of when you need to leave or go somewhere so that because of the effect the ripple effect it has later on on your things this is an isolated moment .

It's so interconnected with your next thing that untangling it being rude from having to promptly leave places was helpful and then thinking ahead and then reminding myself and then also putting alerts in my phone . It's one of the primary reasons I got an Apple Watch is so that I could connect my calendar with my phone and it dings when I need to go places .

And one of my other little hacks that I did for my habits to help me be more on time-ish was putting you know how it alerts you when you need to like , when your next thing , and you can choose how early the alert is . I always make it for when I need to leave , so that I don't do this .

Oh great , you know , if I , if I gave myself too much time , like 30 minutes before , I would then accidentally time blindly do too many tasks and then like be late and I was like , oh my gosh , I even have it in my phone . How did I end up like this ? So then I switched to have it on my phone . How did I end up like this ?

So then I switched to okay , if it takes me , if I need to leave Lauren's house at 1145 so that I can then be on like be at the lake at 1230 , I'm going to put my alert at 1145 , because then I know when my alarm beeps I have to leave immediately . There's no hang time that I could actually misinvest or linger too long and then blow through .

I put it specifically me adjusting my alert to be when I need to leave was helpful , because then I get up and then leave and then , frankly , those of you who are in my boat , who it's really hard I have to coach myself through I will be saying in my head if you don't go now , you will be late for your next thing .

You don't want to be late for your next thing . I know it's fun here , or I know they're talking and they might feel sad that you're leaving or feel like they're rude or get some kind of a message .

I didn't realize how much I abdicated control of my time and my schedule to other people's emotions , so like I would be late sometimes because I didn't want to interrupt someone to make them feel less important , because there's such a value , like I said , going back to the three things I heard , so much is on this value statement about my time .

So it kind of felt like , oh , I'm getting this . The Holy Spirit is like kind of connecting some dots as I'm talking .

I didn't realize that it was like I had this kind of it wrapped into my people pleasing where my time wasn't my own , so that I was either going to give them a message if I tried to take my time back so that I wouldn't be late , or if I tried to take my time back so that I wouldn't be late , or if I was late because I gave my time to something

else . It was like my time was not my own and it all however I spent , it was sent messages to other people . So it felt so I feel a little teary . It felt so high stakes and I felt like I couldn't win and I was always failing . So it was tons of anxiety around going , leaving , being late for me .

So , that being said , I just want to put a demystify some of those phrases that I said that people say , like you don't have a value for people's time , or you don't care about people , or you're lazy if you're late . There are so many other very real reasons that people are late .

Like I just mentioned , all of the literal logistics that I had to work my way through . So then , that being said , could you give us the benefit of the doubt ?

Yes , you can tell us if it's a bummer , but please don't assume that we don't care us chronically late people , we don't care about you or your impact , or that it values you or feels like it sends a devaluing message .

I promise you I value you and if I said yes to be there it's because I wanted to , and I'm so sorry that something went wrong in my brain and my time management that now you're getting the ripple effect . It does not mean you're not valuable and it doesn't mean that I don't care about the impact .

So anyways , that being said , that would send me into which . I know a lot of people feel this way when you're chronically late and you hear that I'm sending them a message . I don't care . Is this crazy anxious car ride where you are on your way to something . I feel like someone's going to laugh , as they're like yep , exactly .

You get in the car in a mad dash , whirlwind of all the things in your arms because you were so late you told yourself you couldn't even put them in a bag . You just have to run , and then you're just thinking like replaying that narrative if they're going to feel so mad or awkward or be like feel like I don't care or feel like all these things .

It's like the pressure increases for the emotional weight of your lateness as you go and then I would be snapping at my kids , or if Aaron was in the room , like , like the people , if there happened to be anyone around me while I was anxiously driving . I always think of it like a bat out of hell .

And the later I got you know which of course time's just going to pass the more anxious I got , the unkind I would be to my kids and then I'd show up and then the emotional baggage , like funk , that I was festering in and honestly growing as the time passed , the anxiousness from being late and then thinking you're unvaluing people when you really don't want to

, and as you drive there it almost feels like a snowball that runs , you know , falling downhill . It picks up momentum and energy and grows as you get there . So then what would happen ?

Not only would I be late in the car and maybe unkind to my kids or husband or anyone that was around me , then I would show up funky , like off kilter , like already in debt to them , and it would take me 10 , maybe 15 , maybe no minute , like maybe I never could recalibrate , to show up as non-triggered , shame spirally , really guilty Jenna , for the rest of

the thing , and it was just terrible . So it was like , wow , this is so funky . Before , during the car ride to anyone around me , there's like a what do you call it Splash zone of anxiousness that shows up as short and snappy .

And then also I'm funky when I get there and I thought I think part of it was I thought , if I felt bad enough about being late , like feel the guilt , that it would motivate me to not be late again .

But literally all it did was make me spiral and then almost kind of waste my time that I did get with that person because I was so shamey and like off and triggered and feeling terrible that I couldn't actually be my normal self or receiver , you know . So it was kind of like everyone lost in that equation .

So now I'm going to move to the next topic of what I do . So , like I said , I've I've tried a bunch of different habits that I've already told you guys to like be more on time , and it's really helped me . I'm a lot more on time-ish than I ever ever have been in my whole life .

But if I am late , these are my day of new habits for when I'm late , one as soon as I realize that I've mismanaged or misestimated how long it's going to take me , I try to text the person as soon as possible to give them a more accurate updated timeframe . I used to wait cause I thought maybe I could .

I don't know what my logic was , but when I was shaming and guilty I would just wait , and then they wouldn't find out till they're already there . So now I'm like whenever I realized like oh man , we have to do that 15 minute thing I know we're still an hour out , but I didn't estimate that correctly . So now it's going to be one 15 instead of 1 .

I'll text people an hour beforehand that I'm going to be 15 minutes late , because oftentimes my days are so stacked like that that if I'm off at 11 , I won't be able to recoup and I know it already is going to have that ramification on that meeting at 1 .

And to me it thinks like that's kindness and being able to face it bravely , to text as soon as I realize . And then what I do is I text my thoughts . This is funny . I way overthink everything . No , I'm kidding , I'm just very intentional . Let's go with that .

My habit with the text is I'm allowed to as soon as possible text give the most accurate and maybe even generous of a . I used to be like I'm five minutes late . Now I'm like , nope , probably 10 or 15 . As generous as a window as possible , because I'd rather get there a little earlier than late with my new adjusted ETA , you know . But I do one apology .

I say I take some ownership and then I tell them the new time . Those are the three parts . This sounds so funny but those are the three parts I include in every text .

When I'm realizing day of I'm late , I think the apology is because I , even though I no longer feel anxious or shame spirally , I don't go to triggered response when I'm late because I've done a lot of work . I do care about that . This impacts them and I bet you guys have been on the other

end of people who are late or have grown in boundaries and not people pleasing and maybe they almost seem aloof or don't even mention the fact that they're late or it has an impact on you and I've been on the other end of that .

I'm like I don't like how that feels and also I can admit and be sorry that there's some impact on them , without going to the crazy triggered response I used to do and I also like one of my core values and how we live and you've heard on Marriage Lab how we do relationship is wanting to take ownership .

So I do say something like hey , I'm sorry I'm going to be 15 minutes late . I mismanaged my errand beforehand or the errand before took longer than I expected . I'll see you at 1.15 . So do you hear the three parts ?

An apology , some level of ownership , because I literally always want to care what I'm not I get that I'm no longer saying there's a value statement to you or what you're worth with my time . That's too high stakes for being late .

But I do want to continue to empathetically be aware of how my timeline or lateness impacts your life and I'm going to take some ownership and I'm not going to pretend or make excuses . I'll give you some level of idea of ownership and then an apology and then a new ETA . And that's it when before I used to send really long ones or really short .

I would almost overshoot it either way . And I'm sure you've all gotten these crazy long texts where someone's you can tell they're so triggered and you're doing the shame spirally thing about being late .

Or you could you get a message from the friend who's always 30 minutes late and saying just left my house with no apology , no level of indication or empathy for how that impacts you , or ownership , and I'm like that doesn't work for me either . Like , so I'm going to split the difference , not be on either extreme , and just send .

That's my formula for my day of text . Then , when I arrive , you're going to laugh . Well , when I'm in my car , I actually purposely practice not being anxious driving . I've broken up with the habit of anxious driving when I'm late . So I get in and I literally think , okay , we're going to be 15 minutes late .

I am bummed as I'm driving that I'm 15 minutes late , but at this point I can't do anything different , so I'm not going to be anxious or feel full of shame or guilt when I get there . I literally walk through this .

You guys , maybe I think it's gotten better , like the habit , but people pleasing was so enmeshed with me being late that it was like I had to coach myself every time .

I'm like you have apologized when you get there , you're allowed to apologize once , but if you drive anxious , you're only going to be more dysregulated by the time you get there and you're going to rob yourself for being present in the way you want to show up and them .

If you keep doing this , you feel shame , spiraling and anxious , getting wound up , is not going to be able to change or get these minutes back . So it would be kindness to both of you if you use this time to regulate and forgive yourself and release yourself and handle what is , versus punishing yourself for what could have been and I let it go .

And then I actually really practice like it's okay , you can get there at 1.15 and I release it . And then when I arrive , there's a couple levels I think through .

Like maybe if it has bigger implications , like if my kids are waiting for me or I missed it you know I'm 10 minutes late for a doctor's appointment or something like that I think , okay , I will get less of a service , but it's okay because I'm actually a client and I will not expect them to push their time schedule , but I'll just lose 10 minutes worth of

value . It is okay when a client is late . Like I have to coach myself this deeply because I have so much emotion and people pleasing . Like it's so deep when I am late that I have to remind myself . And then , if it's a meeting or like whatever more relational impact , I will remind myself like , okay , we're going to get 10 minutes left .

Maybe they have to leave , maybe they don't . What are we going to do from there ? I almost like make this plan instead of just being anxiously wound up . And I'm like , okay , we're going to do this or that , or this or that . And then when I arrive , when I'm walking in the door , whether I'm imagining I'm like man , this is so honest .

I do this all the time . When I happen to be late

, I remind myself you get to apologize . Once you get to show real empathy for the impact , you can strategize about what adjustments might need to be made based on your lateness . And then you're letting it go and it is so hard , but it's been so good for me .

And then I get to be present with my kids and they might have an emotional reaction , but I actually can be present with their emotions from it , or my friend's emotions , because I've released my own and now , like when I used to be , I couldn't handle theirs .

And then it would either make me aggressive and be like it's not that big a deal , you know , like you shouldn't be sad or shame , spiral and be like I know , I know mommy's the worst and now I can just be like , oh , I actually have processed , well , I've let it go , so I have margin for you , and then we're going to move on .

Yeah , I let people know how I feel about it without , and then I can hear how they feel about it without making it a value statement on them or me .

Like I think that was one thing for me , realizing that this because there's no part of my heart that values them less , and decided it is okay for me to make them wait because I matter more , like that is never a thought in my head , or I don't care if they're late or I don't know whatever these judgment like , whatever you know how , like I said the if

you valued or if you cared more , you'd be on time , or this is a value statement . I'm not as important . That's why you think my time's not as important . Any of those things I actually realized that's a them thing . That has never crossed my mind . That's never been a reason I'm late . I will communicate that .

But if they're triggered in believing that that is their story and I actually don't have to carry that story , I can show them the opposite is true . Like I said , shooting the middle ground of one apology and some empathy , but not actually carrying , maybe , a guilt filled message that someone else is trying to give me about the time .

And that was like blew my mind when I realized , like the Holy Spirit showed me , like hey , that's a them thing .

Yes , you can care , yes , you can express some empathy , but if they feel really mad or really sad or take it as an identity statement like when there's no part of you that is giving an identity statement and you're even saying that , that's a them thing and your words can't convince them , nor do you have to wear the weight of that .

So it's like , oh , okay . So for me , remembering that in this late of you know sorry , day of late process , that even though , as I'm growing , I'm not going to be flippant with their heart , nor do I have to drown in the weight of the emotion of whether they want me to feel manipulated and feel bad , or I used to .

I just want to own my impact and then decide where we go from here , you know . So that's what we do .

So sometimes we have to re-pivot , sometimes I've gotten places I don't know if I can't think of one recently , but there's definitely been times in the last two years that I thought it was one and it was 130 , and I show up at 130 and they have to leave it too and there's no way we can do what we have to do .

So I'm like , oh , I'm so sorry , I own it , I apologize , or sorry , there's anything else ? Yeah , I think the idea of breaking up with anxious car ride , practicing peace on the way , reminding yourself what's done is done and you emotionally getting charged or carrying their stuff or your stuff , isn't going to help or solve or go back in time .

So , shifting from the shame of it to curiosity and ownership , and it's like that was a 50 cents mistake and I , for sure , am willing to give a 50 cent mistake like apology , ownership , but it was not a $100 mistake , and whether I feel like it's $100 or they do , I still can give my 50 cents and be okay , whether or not they're okay or whether or not

you know like , and I'm working on being okay too in it . So , yeah , the difference of it's made such a difference of being able to show up present versus panicky , and that's just like a win on it of itself . So if you've ever dealt with lateness and you feel like it defines you , this is your reminder . It doesn't . It's not hopeless .

You can grow with little bits of better . The more willing you are to look at it with curiosity rather than judgment , you can see . Do you need to add 10 minutes ? Do you chronically underestimate ? Do you need to not do that one last chore ? Minutes Do you chronically underestimate ? Do you need to not do that ? One last chore ? Does the trip from ?

For me one of it was does the trip from your dentist's office to your kid's school actually take longer than 10 minutes ? And that's why you're late . You know just , there's so many little like when you can take the judgment and identity statement out of it . And the shame . You can get curious and actually look at little edits that can show up differently .

And the shame . You can get curious and actually look at little edits that can show up differently . And it takes off the pressure that so many of us feel . So my question was you're listening to it as my process and me realizing how much deeper and emotionally charged this was ?

Have you ever is your response for your lateness or someone else's disproportionate for the thing ? I would say sometimes it's situational . Some people maybe are always late and flippant , but then this other friend is occasionally late but apologetic , but you categorize

both people as the same , like actually noticing and letting people show up differently . Have you bought into one of those lies that their time management is a reflection on your worth ? Is that a people pleasing in you ? Is that something you , if you're one of those people who have believed that , do you want to leave that ?

Do you think that's helping your relationships by all means ? Sometimes I have friends that are chronically late or bail all the time , and that's a different conversation , and then that does affect whether I'll do things with them if they constantly .

You know it's not punishment , but I can redirect and assess what aspect and priority I give them of my schedule or my time based on their time management . That's a totally reasonable thing too , but it doesn't make it about identity . It's just more of a logical conversation when you actually untangle it from that message , from that message .

Okay , I pray that the Holy Spirit in you just think through your own journey , whether you're learning to be on time-ish like myself , or if you're learning to give grace and untangle other people's tardiness from an identity statement about your value or worth .

I just pray that the Holy Spirit would be with you and reveal where you get to grow and that you would give yourself grace to grow , not to empower excuses , nor to just feel hopeless or shameful like it's your forever reality . There is actually hope to go after little bits of better , to be on time-ish .