Episode: 65 -Removing the Villains from your pain

go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact . This is the Habit Lab Podcast . Hello , welcome to Habit Lab . I am Jenna Zint . I am an almost 40-year-old woman living in Redding California . I have three children 11 , 8 , and 6 , and I have just one husband . I know that was probably shocking for you .

We've been married for almost 16 years . I go to Bethel Church in Redding California . I'm actually a deacon

at Bethel Church . Fun fact about that is , when they asked , I got an email , goodness , maybe six or more years ago at this point , and our lead pastor at the time's name was Eric Johnson and he asked me if I wanted to be a deacon .

And , in full transparency , I emailed him back and said hey , in my church growing up in North Carolina , where there was a hundred people in our church , the deacons were the ones who got there early and set up the chairs and were permanent ushers . Is this what you mean by being a deacon ? Oh , my gosh .

He told me that was the most interesting response he got to his email invitations he sent out that day . So my claim to fame being a weirdo no , I'm kidding . Yeah , and my husband and I have been gosh . We did ministry school .

We actually met here at Bethel Church and then when we were pregnant and then right after we had our first kid , I realized we weren't kind of involved in any aspect of service or growing and our friends , lauren and Jason Valton , were teaching the pre-married class at our church and it was someone else's curriculum and they were teaching it and we asked if we

could help out , being small group leaders , because at that point that's what they had . So we did that for a few years and then eventually we took over teaching it and then eventually probably like three or four years now , because it's been about a decade that we've done it we started , we made our own content and our own curriculum .

We've been teaching that for quite a few years . So cool thing about that is we actually so we've been teaching our own curriculum for pre-marriage at our church for quite a few years now and we finally recorded it . We got to record at the Bethel studio and then . So the videos are like legit quality and we just had them available .

They're available on our website . The link is in the bio . So it's six videos , a workbook . Oh my gosh , you guys . The workbook is like almost 50 pages . It took me so much time to write , but I'm really excited because , frankly , the

what we learned here at this house about how to do healthy relationship and communication literally changed how we built and did marriage and I think it saved us years of pain .

So this was not where I was planning on going , but just honest , not like testimony or plug to get you , but like that's why we've been volunteering in this realm for 10 years is because I'm like , oh my gosh , like almost every time when I open the class I get teary .

I'm like if you guys like you sitting here , you 20 somethings occasionally a divorcee , older , but mainly 20 somethings If you build with the tools and make habits out of these things right now , you are not going to have to go backwards and unlearn unhelpful patterns , heal from years of pain and then build with new tools , like if you could literally grasp and

do the work now . The foundation you're going to be like , that you could make would just be a game changer . Cause that's that's honestly , aaron's of my part , of our testimony .

And then why we got into coaching and doing marriage coaching and having our podcast is because of how night and day , revolutionary , transformational it was for us to just like we had like three tools . It feels like you know how some people have like epic tool sets . We had like a hammer and a nail and a saw and we just used it repeatedly .

Maybe not in that order . If I knew more about tools maybe I would have chosen different ones for this analogy , but anyway . So yeah , that is live . I'm very excited to see what the Lord does with it for other people .

But the episode that I want to talk about today is it kind of goes on the heels of last week's episode where I was talking about my journey , kind of like changing my mindset about God being a provider and how I realized how much I thought of him as like a boss provider versus like a daughter mindset , and I shared in the last episode .

I'd actually probably recommend you going to listen to that one too to get like the fullness of the story . But I kind of shared how I decided , I was kind of reminded and found a root of this healing of

how much I had become like an employee of God as a provider versus a daughter how it was rooted so much in my childhood and it was kickstarted by me remembering me passing the first car that I ever second car I ever owned and it just the Lord and I went on this journey and had this moment in the car . So that episode goes into more detail about that .

But while I was doing that and reminded of how it's like a year long journey of like Holy Spirit just kind of healing my perspective on him , how I wrongly saw him as a different definition of a provider , and that moment when I saw my car and realized how rooted in my childhood because of the messaging of if you don't work hard , I think I got my first

job actually under 14 . I think I said I was 14 in that episode , but I think I was like 12 . The message that was like really really , really really repeated in our household was like your survival is tied directly to how hard you can work and your work ethic . So we became really good employees because of that .

But I just was struck with compassion for my little self when I realized how like fear motivated that was and yes , it produced someone who had a good work ethic , but I think realizing how often maybe that's one example , but how often I mean this is a universal truth .

This is not true to just Jenna , this is a true like a trend you find in psychology and not just biblical truth , but like how often a lot of those pain or healing things that we actually are working out that need , like the Lord , to touch or reform our brains around , a lot of them can be traced back to childhood .

And it's because most of us know , you know , like childhood is such key formative years and it's like it's really easy or not really easy . It's so common when I'm working or the Lord's you know , I'm giving there an encounter with the Lord , or a slow process with the Lord , working on either my identity or my worth or untangling over responsibility .

These are all like past episodes , or how I show up in marriage , or my thoughts about how I am as a mom , or my thoughts and my trust with him , like God being my provider .

How often , as I'm like healing or growing in these areas , I could trace a route back to something I heard in childhood , was told in childhood , saw in childhood , because your childhood , you know those years . I don't actually have the scientific , but I think a lot of times , for me personally , it's under 13 , usually like some key formative years .

I'm like , oh , this big thing , this big lie , this big pain , part of my life . I remember the first time I heard that , or I remember the first time I found out that was true or saw that demonstrated .

And it's usually like under 13 for me , which , again , that's not an absolute rule , but noticing , I think , this trend of noticing where beliefs start when you're younger .

It is so easy then to and in that awareness of like oh , I saw that when I was nine and that girl on the playground did it for me , or my mom told me this so much I remember the first time she told me when I was eight , and then when I was 10 again , and or when we talked about getting a car , like , oh yeah , my mom said this or that .

It is so easy to fall into the trap of whoever was in the equation with you . So whoever said it or did that thing to you that you took away that meaning , that belief . Like that's the like for what's the Genesis of that belief ? You know , like the starting , the origin point , like you can trace all the root back the roots back to this .

This is the first time I remember in my conscious brain ever making this connection . It is so easy to villainize the person who is in that story with you .

So , whether it's a sibling , a parent , I think a lot of times it's parents for us who are , if you think of it like a story , like a narrative . They are in the narrative of this formation belief , this formative moment where this belief that you've been working on for a long time started .

You're like , ah , they were the other player and it's so , I don't know , sticky , or it makes sense , because usually it's painful . Like you've been working on this for so long . You're like , why other person did you do that to me or say this to me , or show me this person Did you do that to me or say this to me or show me this ?

Like you have cost me decades of pain and now I'm unlearning and I put a lot of effort into it . But I think my point and where this whole episode I want to take it is realizing that when you trace things back , the formation moments or the times , you learn that belief for the first time , not making a villain out of the other person in the story .

I wish I could quote it , but I was listening to some podcasts recently about how people's journeys of maturation and there's this point where people kind of see , kind of see formative points in their life and like people who cause the pain and it's a lot of times where there's this disconnect .

I think personally I've watched because we have a ministry school here in our church it happens a lot as people grow and become their own person , like in their early twenties , recognize some pain or beliefs they have and like trace it back to their parents , and then there's this separation where they're like , oh my gosh , my parents bad or wrong or evil , and

it's , it looks different , like . I think that's a spectrum . However much people go through that process , it's not everyone doesn't villainize their parents , but it's just such an easy trap to think like , oh , this person's actions formed this belief in me that I've been had years of pain trying to unlearn . Therefore they're the villain and I just remember .

So the reason I'm saying this is because when I was in the car thinking back to how , and I had that little moment where I realized my faulting mindset of being an employee of God rather than a daughter like an employee of a boss God versus daughter of a generous father came from the work ethic .

Messaging how hard I work was tied to my survival in childhood and I I actually felt , I would say , a bit of anger blossom at my parents for teaching me that or saying that , and then I switched .

I think what I want to bring up is it's so easy to kind of just camp on anger or sadness or bitterness or contempt or just , you know , a negative emotion at that person , but what I'm trying to get to do is like , okay , they were another character in that moment , but instead of almost like wasting energy or giving more of my energy to them , I'm trying .

I've been on this journey of trying to shift . I feel like the Lord's like shift your focus actually in that moment to little Jenna and give her a ton of compassion for what she just learned or the years ahead of her of this moment shift . So I just want to encourage you . I think like it's going to be a shorter episode , but I really wanted .

Um , when you're going on your healing journey , I think everyone's on some level or you're like you and the Lord are walking something out or untangling a belief , or healing from something to really practice , when you find that moment where the belief started , not villainizing the other person who was in that formation moment with you , and instead , yes , I do

believe in forgiveness , but I don't think it's instant , like I think it's legit that they caused you pain and there's legit sadness and sorrow and grief . But for me , what I caught myself doing for a while probably a few years out , but I would camp more in anger or disdain for the person who taught me it than compassion for myself .

And that's the big takeaway that I want to do is like , yeah , there's grief in that we're not trying to sugarcoat or spiritual bypass the pain that you took away from the other person who's in that story , but instead your energy is better spent connecting with compassion for your little self who just learned that .

Does that make sense Instead of for lack of a better word wasting your energy on resentment or sadness or bitterness or anger towards the other person in the narrative ? Can you actually give that energy towards my energy , I mean ? I literally mean effort , like caloric energy . I think people

sometimes can think of it as new agey , but I think as a tired mom I'm like emotional energy is probably the thing I feel the most tired , the most often when I'm helping another child navigate what they're experiencing or feeling . It's a different kind of tired than like a physical tired , if that makes sense .

So like , can you actually save that energy for compassion for your little self and empathy ? Because then what I notice is compassion is like a precursor to invite love in , to heal , to start a healing process .

But if I give more of my attention to the pointing of the finger at the other person in the story , it's literally almost like robbing my little self from the compassion it deserves , from the attention , from the scene being seen , from the witness .

Like I would actually rather not give that other person in the story wasted energy and give my little self all of my energy , because she needs a ton of compassion , she deserves a ton of attention and love . And I think like , oh yeah , holy Spirit , go all there . That's actually what I'm going to focus on .

So just challenging , like when you notice these moments and you're following your thoughts back and you realize like , oh , I learned that in childhood or I learned that in my house growing up or in school , like it's just such an easy trap to fall into . Their actions form this belief in me . Therefore they're the villain and giving energy to their villain nature .

But the reality is like , truly you guys , formation , which I don't think I was here , sorry , I haven't said it yet . Formation happens all the time , whether malicious intent or not .

It's like we're constantly being formed into something and I think my awareness of how often we're being formed has really increased more recently with my habits of not listening to secular music as much different TV stuff , but realizing like , oh cause , there's just this subtle influence that happens and I think maybe influence is something we're more common to think

about for , like media consumption , but really it is just formation , just like you're noticing , formation that happened , painful formation when you're younger , and how often formation happens without there being a villain in the story .

Like I think it helped me when I became a parent and there would be different situations , the kids that I would be in and then later hear their perception of how I was or what they thought I was saying or the message or the mood in the room , and at first I started like going back to the over responsible , responsible podcast .

I just did a three part series . I would almost try to own their , my kids perception .

Or like work hard so that they could possibly take away a bad meaning or ill intent , or like I had an attitude other than I wanted to not be misunderstood , like my fear of being misunderstood felt way higher stakes with my children because it was forming them , because I'm aware of all these formative moments in my own childhood , you know .

But then recognizing like , oh , a formation , like formation . I cannot actually control what their little brains and personalities entirely like , I can't entirely control what they're taking , the message they're taking away , the belief they're forming their perception , even like doing marriage coaching .

So much has made me realize you could , two people who could be in the same conversation , what is heard versus like , what is literally said with words versus the implied meaning that was heard , it could be worlds different . And in doing this work

and then having so much like , having these real life experiences where I wasn't mad at them or I , you know , meant this thing , and then a few months later it comes out that they heard this thing and you're like what ? Oh , I used to get almost like afraid of that , like in my own little parenting journey .

I almost became afraid , almost like afraid of that , like in my own little parenting journey I almost became afraid of the superpower of being misunderstood and potentially causing them pain unknowingly .

But then that flipped and now I've been working on giving the same grace to the when I uncover a formative moment to the other people , and that's in my own childhood story , cause I'm like you know what , that's what I took away , that's what I heard , but actually I I feel pretty strongly you know that scripture about like what man knows , what's in another

person's heart . I used to assign meaning or heart intent to my parents , or that kid in elementary school that said that , or that teacher that that was that way .

Like I didn't realize how much like mind reading I was doing when I'd go to those formative moments and then , like you know , casting them as the villain and the guilty party and again wasting energy and away from like my poor little self who just needed compassion and didn't invite love in so that there could be a healing process to begin , you know .

But when I was doing that , I was like , oh wow , I actually jumped to a lot of conclusions and I don't know and yes , I can grieve the pain it caused and the trajection that little incident set me on .

But I'm actually going to like get out of of instantaneous blame that I had , which really came from me being the villain in my kids' stories when I was like , oh my gosh , that's not what I meant , or oh no , I can see how you got internally , how they got there , but that was so not in my heart , or yeah , I actually I do think I was trying to add a

little guilt because I felt so frustrated from doing this that I was hoping , if I hit it another way , to emphasize it . So there's just a lot of freedom for me in this truth that for a formation point , there's not always a villain involved . Like formation doesn't need a villain .

It shifts how you see your own healing journey Because , again , like it shifts how we think about parenting , like even how much we can try our kids will interpret things in ways that maybe we didn't tend .

And then for me , the another part that was helpful and me taking the blame out of discovering , you know , like the origin point of some kind of deep seated belief was realizing that . And then you know being afraid of actually what am I accidentally communicating to my kids , or what are they hearing ?

I actually kind of like I spun out for a little bit because I was like , oh my gosh , I could mess up my kids , not even on purpose , and have such a good heart , but they could hear it and I can't control them . How can I get in their heads to change their ?

Or should I check up on them every time we talk to see what they heard , like to compare notes as to what happened , so that we're on the same page ? And then I imagined , you know as an adult , them coming to me and be like , and when you gave me that toy , but I really wanted this dump truck , you know that doll , but I wanted this dump truck .

I felt like you told me I would never accomplish my dream . You know , like imagining a story like that happening when they're 25 and coming to me , and I was like I like kind of panicked . I was like , oh my gosh , I'm going to cause my kids pain and I can't actually do anything about it .

Even if I was super over-responsible and hyper-functioning , I would still like this would happen . But then the flip side of it , like when I actually felt released a little bit of the tension and anxiousness in that awareness that like was blooming , I was like , wait a minute , even okay . So , god , like how do I not do this ? How do I not cause them pain ?

And realizing like , okay , who ? What perfect parents do I know ? Like oh yeah , literally none . Oh wait , I do know one , god like God's a perfect parent .

So then , like , theoretically , if he is a perfect parent , is it is that evidence that his children never misunderstand him or never get pain from interpreting his actions or lack of actions from their own vantage point ? I'm like no , actually , whoa , even God the perfect parent's kids experience pain through their own interpretation of misunderstanding him .

Like , wow , formation actually happens based on our perception , not just the other person's intention . And that to me was like , oh , okay , yep ,

my mom may or may not have had a bad heart posture , or my dad might've said that out of fear or not said that out of fear , but actually formation happens all the time and it can be largely based on our perception . It is not only based on their intention .

And if I actually can't read their minds or intricately know what's in their heart , what if I stopped going and conserve energy from villainizing the other person in my formation story , whatever that story may be , and actually conserve that ? So my like basic takeaway is formation can happen . You could start .

That could be the incident that started this deep journey on in you , or that belief that you've been untangling for decades . And there's actually could have been no villain involved in that formation moment .

And then the beautiful part about when the Lord and I were unpacking this further if there's no villain , then maybe you don't need to be a victim in that story . And the difference for me , what I don't want you to hear , is that you shouldn't feel something for your little self , who learned that in childhood .

But compassion is totally different than pity and I realized when there was a villain in the story I wouldn't actually the empathy that I felt for my little self , kind of spoiled into pity for what she just heard , versus compassion . Compassion is crucial .

Pity is toxic , so healing isn't actually found when I isn't like happened upon or unlocked when I find someone to blame . It's actually about understanding , untangling and letting love come in so that you can build a new belief , so that your mind can be renewed and you can find a new way forward .

So just remembering all this to say for this episode , your formation moments when you're in your journey , whatever your life looks like I'm sure for the rest of our life we're going to be encountering like beliefs that were like , oh , where'd that come from ?

We trace back down the tree timeline of our lives and we're like , oh , that was that formation moment when I was nine and that person said that .

And the habit that I want to start getting at is not villainizing the other people in the story , but actually saving your energy so that you can rightfully engage with compassion for your little self and not pity for your little self , and then inviting healing , a new way of thinking , breakthrough and then freedom .

So where have you in your stories , in your formation moments , have you accidentally created villains to explain your belief or your pain ?

What would it feel like to remove the villain from the story , actually take back the energy you've given to thinking about , like towards , pointed at the villain , and actually conserve that energy , to give it back to acknowledging the formation moment and what was happening inside of you .

It's almost like in a camera perspective in a movie , going from two people like two actors in the screen to be like , okay , there was a second actor , but instead of like bobbing back and forth or zooming in on the villain which again , there's no villain zooming in on you and be like actually , you deserve my undivided attention because I want to give you

really good care that you actually need , so that we can repair this moment and we can have a different reality . Yeah , so just my reminder and we can have a different reality . Yeah , so just my reminder , ending this more theoretical than most episodes .

You've probably actually heard me say something along these lines in various episodes , like when I'm like , oh yeah , and I learned this in childhood , you know , but I don't think it was my mom's intent or , you know , I don't think my dad meant to make me believe blah , blah , blah . And I've just really worked on taking ownership of .

That was my interpretation of what happened , that was my perception and this is how I applied it . And what it doesn't mean is that I , you know , like bypass grief or like pretend like there wasn't pain . But again , I'd rather give the bulk of my energy to empathy and compassion for my little self than creating a villain in that formation moment .

So I'd love for you to do the same , just as simple as like a thought habit of oh yeah , that's when that formation happened and then thinking of the other person , like , oh , there's no villains here . Also , there's no victims , so pity .

Sometimes I think about like when I'm experiencing emotion blooming for my little self , when I'm realizing , you know , like , oh , that's when I learned how to be an employee for God and not a daughter I . It almost feels like a tight rope , but like a very small walk path where if I fall off of one side , I like ignore it and maybe like spiritual bypass .

But if I fall off the other side , that's where pity and woe is me is found and I'm like compassion's like a small . It's like a small narrow gate , but it actually leads to freedom and breakthrough and healing . So I'm like it's worth watching my steps so that I go forward and process through it rather than fall and get stuck in it .

Okay , I hope that helps . Formation happens all the time and it does not . Formation doesn't need villains to happen for beliefs to be formed . But the beautiful part is there's hope for every formation moment and there's reparenting and healing and breakthrough available , like in spades . He's so good . Holy Spirit is the best counselor , comforter , parent I know .

And when you just make a habit of giving that energy to your little self rather than villainizing people , it's amazing the progress you can make . Okay , everybody , I hope you have a great day .