Episode 59: Part 2- Ditching Over-Responsibility

This is Jenna Marie Zint and this is our second episode in the series of over-responsibility and I'd recommend going back to listen to the first one , clearly , if you haven't listened to it .

It kind of sets the stage of what is it , where does it come from , and we're going to show up , or in this episode we're going to talk about the unhelpful , the harmful side of over-responsibility , and I think this is a little more nuanced and it's harder Again .

In the first episode we talked about how there's a beautiful part about living generously , laying down your life , sacrificing , like giving gifts freely , metaphorically , and you know , like with helping people or showing up for people , or you know someone in need and I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater and I think a lot of times when we go on

journeys of healing and realize we're on this end of the spectrum , we can swing to the other end of the spectrum . But what I would love for us to be able to do is like oh , can we just prune back over responsibility to find its healthy spot of how we show up , because we're actually it is more beautiful to give than it is to receive .

All those things are true . I think . A lot of times what I notice when it's showing up as a dysfunction is when it's rooted . What is it rooted in ?

So I am still someone who gives to my friends and helps people move and , does you know , initiates more friendship hangouts and gives more gifts and maybe is more sentimental and watches more people's kids , whatever . So I'm not actually trying to do a tit for tat thing .

I just wouldn't want you to hear that freedom or healing this part of you is then living selfishly Cause I think that would make me not want to learn this if I were in your shoes . Or , um , yeah , I just don't want to get confused on what healing this is .

So we're going to go into the harmful part , but I think the beautiful part is like we're not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater . And even for me in growth , in being able to show up still generously in my relationships as I just notice like , oh , am I doing this because I think I have to or it's my job , or is it rooted in fear ?

If I don't , it's my job , or is it rooted in fear , if I don't , who will ? Or I'm going to lose this relationship if I don't . That to me , is when my actions it could literally be the same action . Like I could bring someone dinner and it's out of a spot of .

I'm giving this happily not even happy , but like because I have the capacity this week and I see that they just had a baby and their meal train's over , but the parents got sick and I have the capacity , so let me give this gift freely . Versus I could same scenario and be like oh , if I don't , how will they make it ? And who will if I won't ?

And they won't be okay , or this isn't fair , they shouldn't have to like anything .

That is putting me kind of honestly , I think , over responsibility like subtly puts us in the God spot in our minds and other people , which is ironic because most of us feel exhausted about being the bigger person or feel fatigued about showing up like this and just really desperately want someone else to show up for like this or to not be in this role .

But then what keeps us on the hamster wheel is this if we don't , who will ? It's my job , this will fall or I'll lose people Like sometimes too , it's not all of them , but sometimes , when I dig even deeper , who will ? If I don't , it gets to this will fall apart , or I will lose relationship or love if I don't . So I think that is the difference of .

You could do the same action , bringing someone dinner , but if it's rooted in over-responsibility , it's unhealthy , it's a spot you want to heal , but you could bring them dinner out of . Oh , it's my gift to give and I have the capacity this week yeah , it cost me , but I have it versus it's my job , my role .

If I won't , there'll be disastrous consequences , which is always over-dramatized . Most of us like , if I narrate my thoughts , I think most of us aren't aware , or I always tease that I have to turn up the volume when I'm getting curious .

So , as you're getting curious , if you notice any over-responsible parts in yourself , what I would love for you to do in my habit mastery course I always tease when you're trying to notice the thought habits that are attached and that are feeding the behavior habits you kind of have to turn up the volume on your thought habits , which there's this great quote by

someone named Carl that says you have to make the unconscious conscious or it will direct your life and you'll call it fate . So that's what I kind of think of like just turn up the volume when you notice you showing up above and beyond and asking yourself what is this rooted in and why am I doing this and not in a judgmental way ?

But you have to engage the scientists which why am I doing this and not in a judgmental way ? But you have to engage the scientists which go listen to .

We have a whole marriage lab podcast about the scientist versus the judge and it's just explaining how you don't find breakthrough or healing by looking at parts of you that need breakthrough or healing with contempt , which would be the judge .

You actually can only find breakthrough and healing if you look at those parts of you with curiosity and compassion , and that's just modeled by Jesus time and time again how he shows up to the people in need in the gospels .

But my point is , when you're looking at these parts of over-responsibility , getting curious and asking yourself honestly , without judgment , of what answer you might find Like why am I doing this ? Do I think it's my job ? What am I afraid of happening if it doesn't ? To just get some curiosity behind , like what's fueling it ?

Okay , so how does over-responsibility fool us ? This is our first section we're going to dive into , into thinking it's helpful , one it tries to tell us it's loving , believing that our actions are stemming from care or concern , which , again , you could do the same thing but realizing like okay , and I noticing , like are you being honest ?

Is it actually just a gift freely given ? I kind of notice it's not actually just loving , or a gift freely like unconditional love , something I'm selling and have no strings attached .

If content or offense is built up , like if I'm noticing or keeping score of what they have or haven't , or how many times I've done that and they haven't , I'm like oh , oh , I actually think I maybe am owning more of this area of our relationship and there's not equality like I might need .

I might be dipping my toes in a responsibility , because when I'm keeping score to me , that is indicative of usually a bit of bitterness or , honestly , it's like pain that has

been there too long . I always think of pain spoiling into bitterness or offense , a true pain point . If we process it well , it doesn't have to actually spoil into bitterness or offense . But if I'm keeping score from an action I've done out of a responsibility , that's usually indicative that it's not a healthful spot .

Or I didn't have that as a gift , freely , unconditionally give . There were some strings attached and I'm like , okay , no problem .

I used to feel probably judgmental towards myself when I noticed that , especially when I was going after just turning up the volume on what was motivating how I was showing up for people in my life , and now I'm like , oh , no problem , that was more than you had to give without strings attached . What would it look like ? What do you have to give ?

I always think of it like a bank account , which is a funny analogy . But maybe I was writing checks for people in my life that were $30 when I actually only had $10 in my account and maybe I did have something to give . But the , the muchness or the over the top way I was showing up for them , or the frequency .

My muchness or over the top could manifest in a few ways , like frequency or extravagance or , um , yeah , I would say that was probably my two biggest ways that my muchness shows up when I'm showing up for people , I'm like , oh , I don't actually have and I would say , idealism too . I don't have the capacity to . Let's go back to the dinner analogy .

Bring those people a homemade meal . That would be $30 . I would actually bankrupt some other parts of my life that wouldn't work . But I could actually just drop off a rotisserie chicken in a bag salad . That would be the $10 . So instead of going to this all or nothing when that would be the $10 .

So , instead of going to this all or nothing when you do feel motivated to show up for people , actually I think that's when you're like , what do I have to give ? Versus a lot of us over responsible people , it's so all or nothing , it's do the best , go big because they're worth it .

It's all these extreme statements that then we get stuck in this perpetuating exhaustion burnout cycle is because we're writing checks we can't cash , and I just noticed it's funny because we think it's loving . But then for me , like , oh , when bitterness and resentment are piling up , that's not loving .

So it's actually better for me to live within my budget of what I have to give than bankrupting myself because it's not their job . Oftentimes , maybe some people in our life . Ask us those over-responsible people . But oftentimes we just show up that way because we're so used to it .

So maybe there's some people who abuse us or sorry , abuses I don't like using abuse because I think it gets overused a lot . But maybe some people are aware and using us . They're like , oh , this is great , she does this for me . I'm going to stay near her because she always buys me lunch or whatever .

But then I don't think the most people in our lives are like at that level . It's just we have trained them that this is how relationship looks like for us . So I always think about when someone's healing from over-responsibility . There's going to be a power dynamic shift and I kind of think of it .

I imagine like a seesaw where it's not like we have to get off , like all these friendships need to be thrown out , or you're launching someone into the air because you're like that wasn't fair and you overcompensate . You know I'm not doing anything . You have to come find me because I , you know , was going above and beyond for a decade . Now it's your turn .

You know that would be an extreme , but I do think this like shift of you know , when you're trying to find when of a subtle shift , of trying to find the equilibrium and that's what I think you have to do when you're healing from over-responsibility is the subtlety of like , oh , what do I have ? Okay , what is honest ?

And it feels usually the other person in the relationship notices because there is this shift of the power dynamic . But the beautiful part , if you don't overcompensate , it doesn't have to hurt or destroy relationships . It's just like oh , what is an honest reflection of what is my responsibility , versus going to my default of muchness all the time .

Okay , so that's how . One of the ways that it fools us into thinking it's helpful is it's loving or it's noble or selfless , because obviously we know like this is the . I think that's why so many Christians maybe fall into specifically Christian women . I know it's not unique just to a gender .

I think there are men I can think of a few men in my life that I would be like oh , I bet they're over responsibility . I think sometimes it could be childhood stuff or even just your personality . Probably twos on the Enneagram would fall into this , whether they're boy or girl . More naturally .

So in our Christianity I think we get confused about where is health and where is unhealth , because self-sacrifice is such a great part of our you know , laying down your life , of our , the faith , but then the flip side of noticing when it bankrupts you , or even that , I think , putting yourself again in the God spot I have to do this because they won't be

okay Versus like for me , some of the subtleness in healing from unhealth was noticing that some of those thoughts when I was like , when I was thinking it was noble or loving or selfless , yeah , was me elevating myself to a role of savior . And again , real subtle .

I wouldn't have been like I am , you know , made any here here radical statements about myself , but I was like when I would dig deeper with curiosity and be like , oh , they're not going to be okay if I don't do this for them .

I'm like , ooh , that sounds like a role of a role you're not meant to play , sounds like a role of a role you're not meant to play . I think that's actually not your job to save them or solve this for them .

You can give them the $5 you do have , but the fear that creeps in if I don't solve this is actually remembering , like that's God's role and I would actually do . Or for me , when I was healing from it .

I would actually pray a lot more when I would notice my tendency of like why , how I wanted to show them up , or the the muchness I wanted to show up for them . I was like , okay , I have five bucks , they need a lot more than five bucks .

And one of my little habits to just kind of recalibrate myself and take myself out of the rescuer role or in the over-responsibility power dynamic was just to be like , okay , they need more than that . And I think you that , even though I don't have more to give , you don't .

And then I would use it almost as a prayer opportunity , like I think that you're going to meet their needs and you're going to send people , I pray that you would put them on other people , you know , put them on other people's hearts , or yeah . So just kind of using that as how do we marry this with the part we're meant to carry being people ?

You know Jesus's disciples , and it was kind of giving .

When I was met with a need that was bigger than what I had , instead of partnering with fear or trying to hyper function , I would give back the deficit to him in faith , and it was in realizing this for me and with other people , I realized how hand-in-hand self-sufficiency and over-responsibility went , because I learned to have more faith in my work ethic and my

hustle over time slowly it wasn't like I got there quickly than I did in the Lord , providing I'm always going to end on . I think people who are over-responsible and have a high capacity and hypervigilant are never going to be your lazy people . So I don't feel afraid of them hearing this message . To be like see , I'm not supposed to do everything .

That's a different target audience . You know what I mean To be like don't go to the other side . But there are some of us that we stay too self-sufficient and in the God spot because of fear of but of course we have to contribute , but I'm not going to be lazy , or I have to be a good steward . And you're like totally .

I think it's just like it's not all or nothing , it's not either . Or it's like what is my job ? What am I supposed to steward ? What portion do you want me to give , lord ? Like taking a beat .

I think probably the smallest habit for me when I was healing from this was just taking a beat instead of jumping in all the time like I would , or committing verbally and not committing verbally or going internal .

I'd be like , oh , yeah , okay , like maybe hearing a need , being in a conversation , whatever it was , and pausing , instead of committing or telling them I'd help , and then taking a pause to ask the Lord and myself , like what do I have to give ? What's mine meant to give what's not mine ?

And then going from there versus kind of just being the solution automatically . I could help , because that was my answer so quickly is I could help , we'll figure this out , let me be part of it . You know like , yeah , let me help you . Versus , oh , is this mine ? I'm just picking up all these , all these bundles . No wonder I'm worn out .

I have all everybody's cares on gender shoulders because I'm thinking it's noble and loving . I'm like , totally , compassion is what we're always called to show up in , but knowing what ours is and ours isn't ours Wow , that was confusing . It was what I had to grow in .

Actually , I did the school of ministry at my church and I remember one of my mentors said , because I'll always be yes , yep , I'll move the tables . Yep , I'll be the one to stay late for flipping the service . Yeah , I can coordinate that Valentine's Day party . Yep , I'll figure out how to do the toy drive whatever . It was just like a yes .

And when she was working on me being less you know , healing from over-responsibility , she just pointed out she's like when you take the yeses you're robbing someone else who a yes is growth for them , a chance to grow .

And it actually shifted it from this fear of not saying yes to like , oh , I actually want to rightly say yes or no , because I'm such a I grab all the yeses because of a kind spot , not because I'm trying to be like I don't know , I'm not trying to get any awards or recognition that's usually not what's motivating me but like , oh , I don't want any of

these people to fall through the cracks or any of these things to get dropped . And if I don't , who will ? But realizing , like , actually , some things laying on the staying on the table , you're going to give the people who are slower to say yes but are meant to say yes to that a chance to step up .

So kind of reframing of like I'm stealing a yes that might be someone else's , they're not all mine , it's not all my problems . For lack of a better expression Efficiency , I think so . How over-responsibility fools us into thinking it's helpful is efficiency . If I don't , it won't get done right .

So not just it's loving , but I can't trust them to do it the right way or know how to do this , or it'll take them longer . I'm trying to think . Those are my main objections with efficiency . Another way that it shows up to thinking it's helpful is it's necessary . If I don't , who will Feeling your actions are crucial to the well-being of other success ?

Another way it fools us into thinking it's helpful is preventative . Thinking that we are almost like swooshing in front of them to prevent harm or conflict by taking control . So either this keeps the peace or if I do this , this won't happen . This mess , this disaster , they won't get upset , whatever that looks like .

So those would be probably the five ways that it fools us into thinking it's most helpful . Next question is how does it damage relationship then ? How does over-responsibility damage relationship ? One this kind of goes back to taking other people's yeses off the table .

If that was their opportunity to grow and my quickness to take the yeses number one , it enables other people and it prevents them from growing . So I kind of unpacked that with that mentor's advice to me , but I think realizing , even with my kids and my husband how ?

Because I could do it faster or quicker or it would take me longer to teach them . I would just keep doing it and then I literally they never learned and I reinforced .

An interesting thing about people with over-responsibility is it's such a catch-22 because we feel lonely , yet we're enabling ourselves to be lonely by not giving , like letting that percent that's not ours to take stay on the table , like the fear of it hanging out there and being missed and them dropping balls or the mess it could make makes us snatch it up quickly

and then no one ever learns . We're enabling the behavior , not even a mean way , but like robbing them , I think , enabling others , I think , honestly , an over-responsibility . It's easy to blame people , especially if you have a spouse , that is , if you're over-functioning and they're under-functioning .

It's easier to blame them for what they're not doing than take an honest look about your half and how it's contributing to the current results you're getting in your marriage .

And this was like a big aha moment for me because I was aware of like well , if Aaron would , only if he did this and I wouldn't have to have all these responsibilities or carry them into load and I had to go on a journey of setting them down and being okay if he didn't pick them up because I couldn't carry them anymore .

So it wasn't conditional if he had to do it well or he had to guarantee he was going to pick it up . Because I think that's a lot of times where over-responsibility can creep into control Again , the self-sufficiency where I trust myself to do it more , sometimes in God , really subtly .

That one's usually pretty buried , it's not as obvious , but definitely more than other people . Definitely , I recognized at one point a couple of years ago that all my closest friends that I quote unquote felt safest with . I was like , all of a sudden I started looking .

I'm like , oh my gosh , they're all strong women whom a lot of us had childhood trauma and learned to be over-responsible in high capacity .

And that's why I feel safe , because there are a few group of women that I won't be the biggest person but we're fighting over being and I'm like , oh my gosh , what would it look like if we all healed and then no one was over responsibility . We just got to own our half .

But my point is noticing this pattern and how your half of it , rather than just blaming the person who's under functioning for your responsibility .

I'm like , oh no , radical ownership would be , like I'm not going to participate in this half and I'm going to grow and be okay and face my fears and work out my trust issues , to be okay even with not owning the deficit and letting it sit there so that someone else has a chance to grow to , before noticing how often long-term , most of the time , if you're

doing this out of over responsibility , a misplaced thought on it being your job , that is where resentment builds . It's not actually a gift freely given . It comes with interest when it's due .

It also undermines trust and intimacy because we often , when we ask them to find the person who's under functioning in the relationship , when we ask them to do something because we don't trust them to do it well , whether or not there's evidence , there is usually evidence . I think that's why this one's harder to notice .

Our half of it is because we have proof that we can't trust them . So we have to stay in this role .

And then we feel stuck and bitter because we're like you make me and we're like actually , what does it look like for me to be okay , even if it's done poorly and even if there's consequences to not being done , like me letting go and noticing how deep control and fear was of me not owning the half that wasn't meant for me to own .

Yeah , control and over responsibility and self-sufficiency go . They're like a little trifecta that usually are found all together and it's funny because a lot of times , like for me , I'm more controlling but I'm more pleasing based control versus like I don't know .

I think people who are aggressive or type A personality maybe that is what we more typically think don't know . I think people who are aggressive or type A personality maybe that is what we more typically think of control .

But I think I would do things to get the results that I wanted , like keep people happy to get the results that I wanted , but ultimately it was still control and it undermined trust with my husband and then we didn't have a 50-50 relationship so that hurt intimacy because I was like I can't , you're not caring for me .

Therefore I can't be vulnerable , because I have all this evidence that when I'm a quote unquote a vulnerable female , you don't show up for me and I'm like , oh , actually , it's because you're not ticking all these boxes of how you show up .

I'm actually controlling what I count showing up versus you get to show up on your half and we'll figure out what that looks like versus this part's red color , that part blue , don't forget this or so-and-so won't be able to go to their lesson after school yeah , and the damage okay , another damage it does to relationship is becoming , like I said , overly

self-sufficient and then starting to put more trust in my ability to hustle than other people or God . I actually have giggled not giggled , but recognizing for me , I think , a lot of times when you're learning different , I think we all go through journeys of learning to trust God as our provider and it looks different in different seasons .

But my current journey and the lesson I'm learning here is how much I actually trusted that God would give me opportunities to work hard and that was his provision than I was him just blessing me .

I had this employee mentality , with him as a provider versus a dad , and that came down to me believing it was my over-responsibility and having more faith in my ability to hustle than faith in actually his character and nature as a generous dad . So that's a whole other episode I have so much to say about .

I feel like 2024 was actually marked a lot by God digging up my deeply rooted self-sufficiency and my faith and my ability to hustle over my faith in his provision . So that's probably why this podcast is coming out in early 2025 , because it's kind of a theme of what I've been reflecting on .

Yeah , and then the damage it does to relationships I kind of touched on this already is realizing that I was putting myself in the God role , which is ironic because I was so desperate for someone to take care of me . But realizing I was self-sabotaging is failing them , but not .

We have to look at how our actions are self-sabotaging us getting our needs met of not having to take care of people by actually letting the stuff go . The personal toll of being over responsibility . So what does it take ? What does it look like ? What's

the evidence or fruit of it is exhaustion , burnout , loss of identity , perfectionism , suppressed emotions , chronic anxiety . There's like a toll , I think , being over responsible when we think we have the bigger capacity we can for a while and we probably .

It's a muscle and it grows , so it's ironic and the more we do it , we do slowly get better at having a bigger capacity . But there is this finite I keep watching it with myself , with friends , with coaching clients when the over-responsibility or responsible person with a big capacity hits their limit , it's like .

It's like it like doesn't happen for a while , but when they did that , there's just no margin . It's not like this gradual and I'm done .

It's because we're not used to kind of listening to ourselves , because most of the time we're picking up the cues on everybody else , so we just hit burnout fast , hard and messy , because most of the time too , we're not really great at self-care . Or noticing tells that we need rest or resting or playing , or yeah , okay .

So why is over-responsibility not like actual love ? It almost reminds me again , this idea of something masquerading . It feels like a knockoff Over-responsibility . We don't notice it as much because it's like a counterfeit , unconditional love . I'm going to say that again , I felt the Holy Spirit on it A lot of times .

We don't notice or didn't notice over-responsibility in our life and what it was taking from us or how it became unhealthy , or where that it was unhealthy was because it was masquerading as a counterfeit , unconditional love . So noticing the difference is actually what is it rooted in ?

So again , going back to I'm going to probably end here with this when you're noticing these trends and you heard what it could look like how we fool ourselves into thinking it's helpful , how it actually damages our relationship , the toll on us over time . So it's the toll on our relationships , but then the toll on us .

But then , like I said , so how do you notice the difference ? What is it rooted in ? Is it rooted ? Why am I doing this ? Why do I think this is my job ?

Why did I say yes , not in a sassy way , but just a curious scientist getting to some roots , turning up the volumes on our thoughts that were unconscious before and making a soft , safe place out of it and noticing , oh , it's fear , because if I don't , who will ? Or I might lose love because they're so used to me taking care of them like this .

Would my friends even want me if I don't throw the parties all the time ? Or will my kids think I'm fun if I don't give them all the gifts ? Or will Aaron be aware of all that I'm not if I stop over showing up in this area ?

It's all those thoughts I'm like oh , that's actually fear is diluted in there and I would say , to be honest , I think we don't catch it because most of the time it's not 100% fear , like 100% rooted in dysfunction . Nor is it 100% , I would say control usually is like the fruit of fear .

When fear happens , our tool to make it stop is some level of control . And again , I think I heard someone say the other day that control has a few different flavors . It can show up and it looks different in different people . The more classic ones , the type A micromanager , but I was more pleasing based control

. So , noticing what my point of it is , it's not always rooted in 100% fear . It's like some good natured heart posture of wanting to love them well , and then some fear .

So , just going on a journey of when I noticed there's fear , control , talking to that part and sitting at that part and almost like healing it and dismissing it so that it doesn't get a vote in what I do or don't do , action wisewise rather than being ashamed when I find it Because I first was like , ah , fear's in there again .

That's one of the reasons I'm bringing them dinner . Dang it . Well , then , I can't bring them dinner . That would be the all or nothing on this journey of noticing your over-responsibility , where I'd encourage you to be like hey , fear , what are you afraid of ? Oh , they can't manage themselves . Okay , well , let's not actually rule . What evidence do you have ?

I would think of evidence of like my friend can handle this , or this is how she's done that before . Okay , what would it look like ? What do you have to give so kind of dismissing fear so that you can actually get a pure , more honest answer of your capacity ? What is your job and inviting the Holy Spirit in ?

So that is your homework for this week after the second episode is turning up the volumes on your thought habits behind over responsibility , to get to the roots of what is motivating them and then being curious and kind and compassionate to what you find and then therefore releasing fear , so that you and the Holy Spirit can make a more honest assessment of what is

your role . Is this your yes ? What kind of a yes do you have , versus going to all your knee-jerk reactions ? I hope that helps . I will see you again , for , where I have at least , I'm going to do one more episode at least on over-responsibility , so stay tuned .