Episode 50: Debunking Holiday Idealism

This is the first ever episode that I have had a guest on my podcast . This is my good friend , Serena . What is your last name ? Anjali , for the record . Anjali .

The reason she's saying that is it's an inside joke , because I have butchered her name on many podcasts , but we're good friends Indeed , so much grace you've had to give me , this makes up for it , it's fine , okay , so we're headed into the holiday season and Serena and I were hanging out having some really good chats and I was like , oh my gosh , pause these

conversations , we need to make a podcast out of it . So this is where that was birthed . But the topic for this episode is actually finding that balance in your holidays . For when tradition ?

Where's the balance between the effort it requires to make a memory or tradition and the results or the outcome , and finding a good enough version of your tradition or habit so that it doesn't steal like , it doesn't cost more than you get in return . And so now , why would I invite you to talk about ?

So definitely I've noticed it stealing from my experience of things and then also how others experienced me too .

More than once I've been compared to Martha in the Bible who , like you know , is not really focusing on the connection or like the opportunity of that , but focusing on like the work and providing and like creating this experience for people .

Oh , that level of excellence for everything isn't worth it ? Or how would you describe how you've started assessing like not lowering your standards , but deciding what is worth it . Or how would you describe how you've started assessing like not lowering your standards , but deciding what is worth it for what event ?

I think like getting in touch with like different seasons of life is important too , because it's like I think I'd always hold myself to like the highest standard , where it's like I have the most money and like the most energy and I'm like , oh , this is what I could produce at my best , and so like that's the standard and I always kind of want to meet it ,

and also it's like a creative outlet too , so I'm like , oh , like what could I do with this ? And like I do want , you know , people to feel really like taken care of and like valued and like kind of spoiled in a way .

Um , and so I think that I just would always kind of hold myself to that same standard , regardless of what else was going on in my life , how much money I had how much ? energy I had , and so I think , yeah , like I would hold myself to my own ideal . It wouldn't necessarily be like I'm like , oh , it needs to look like this person on Instagram .

It would be like , oh , what's the best I've ever done . It needs to be like at least that good .

So we can kind of justify the subtle judgment or it not being enough , um , when we're not able to do it in this season . So I just love . Actually , I just released an ebook that is called she's laughing because I texted her . Today I was like I kind of wrote my first book . Oh , I'm so proud though .

But the point of the book is called Peaceful Holiday Planning is realizing like , oh , actually , let's vocalize what our expectations are and decide the edits , Because otherwise I find myself I don't know as like as I love to host , I love parties , I love fun , so I was on this hamster wheel of it's almost never enough but I'd be exhausted .

But I was like it was kind of self-imposed as well and I think I feel like you can relate to a bit of that too . And I was like , and it's also an expression of how I love people and care because I have such a heart for community . So my journey has been scaling back to what's the actual goal and purpose behind the event .

I actually do this for a couple of the exercises in my book , because then I'm going to work my way and decide what's worth the effort , what's not , and then not get 10 out of 10 for all the areas because probably with the limited capacity of this season I'm going to have to let one of them go .

But if I powerfully choose in advance , I don't feel like that . It's never enough failing shame message , even when I'm like giving so much .

I'm not as good at Aaron remembering like , who said what and exact quotes , but it's like ideal , like like is the enemy of good , where it's like if we hold ourselves to , yeah , this ideal , then it's like you're almost always going to be kind of disappointed and I feel like the people in your life can feel that like when you feel disappointed and it's like ,

I don't know , it's like they almost experience it . Second hand of like , oh , like you know , mom's

disappointed or , like you know , and she's been working so hard and , yeah , she like frustrated , frustrated with us for you know , blanket on the event . Yeah , yeah . So you work so hard and then it's like you're still disappointed . It's kind of a bummer .

It feels different than perfectionism , perfectionism , idealism is like what you want it to feel like . On all these , levels .

So I think the reason I wanted to have this have you on now is because I think idealism really rears its head in Christmas season , like holiday season , because we've all these traditions and our hearts are to make it connecting and memorable and fun .

But without intentionality , idealism can kind of creep into our expectations of what that means and then again we get on the hamster wheel of it's never enough and then mom's kind of cranky or for me I would say , the cost of letting idealism run the ship or tell me what my expectations are , even if it's subconscious , is usually I get a little bitter and

resentment and I feel blamey that no one either . It's the subtle things , but I'm just gonna be honest . I'll think like no one appreciated all that I did or how much this cost me or the work I put into it , or I feel resentment , like I'm alone carrying this or shouldering it . I guess it's kind of like an aggressive self-pity .

It's usually the cost of it for me . How would you say that ? It like what's the cost of it for you when idealism creeps in ?

Well , I think for people who do kind of like create or host or visionaries , whatever people who try to get their stuff out there , like it's like we're aware of our , our , the possibilities of our influence in like a good way and we're like , oh , we could create this beautiful thing in this beautiful experience , but it's almost like we are blind to like what

our influence could be in a negative way , like when we're not doing good and you know cause . We're like , oh well , we're creating this beautiful thing and then we're kind of , yeah , we just don't realize , like , oh well , we're kind of a thermostat , like our attitude kind of cancels out like the beauty that we're creating . If our kids are experiencing it .

doing it for me , like I'm doing it to like have fun and to like focus on something that's not just like the norms of life , um , and also an excuse to like buy pretty things .

It's so true I realized how much of my spending habits or even sugar habits I would thinly veil , my motivation being like it's for the kids that'd be eating all the cookies , or like yeah , well , I gotta buy this to myself too , while I'm getting them new jeans yeah oh , so me actually .

Just I think , taking an honest look at some of my motivation and then like does it stay there ? Is it like veering off course ?

Yeah , and I think I also notice sometimes too , is that I would like burn myself out so much in advance , like planning for it , like shopping for it , preparing or even like cleaning up that , like once it came time for actual connection , I would be spent and I would almost have this sense of entitlement where it's like , oh well , I've earned my rest , kind of

Not like leave me alone .

Maybe I think I got and I still do struggle with it like get some identity from it where it's like oh , this is like a value I provide , like a service I provide to like my family and friends and like maybe they can't get this from other friends . And yeah , I think identity can be wrapped up in it too .

I think that's sometimes the reason people don't prune it or um cause they get praised for it or restrained because they're like I'm X , x , that's excellence , is what we're supposed to do , or , um , I'm helping so many people do all these things .

So I think just this awareness for me it's been like I'm not saying pull this out , like , yes , this is true , you are , you're not removing this bush from the garden but , actually it is overgrown and taking over other areas that aren't . It's not meant to . So kind of managing myself to still be part of my identity , but like within bounds .

And I was like and I generally don't think he was trying to impress me I'm like I think that's genuinely what's most important to him . And then I was like , ok , walt , check , that's going to be there . I'm like what else ? And he's like hide and seek . And I'm like , oh , I don't remember if we've ever played hide and seek .

You have , being good enough and be taking an honest look at some of your motivation and the results from last year ? Actually , in my , my book about Christmas , I have a thing that , like makes you look at the outcome , the emotions that everyone experienced .

And then if you're going to pause it , cause I think we could just kind of gloss over like this is what we do . But I think , taking some honest looks , we had to do this as a family with baking and we're like so we bake cookies so that we decorate them , that's just like an obvious go-to .

But then realizing it's actually too much for my kids' age , they usually get mad , or I get mad because I bought all the ingredients and they last 10 minutes maybe of interest for now at my kids' age , and then they're fighting that so-and-so got to do more than others .

So then I'm like managing a fight and then they leave at some point and then I'm baking the rest by myself and then by the time they're out they're like are they ready yet ? And I'm just mad at them and grumpy and they lost interest .

And then I'm like forcing them to finish decorating them because you'll finish , and I'm like wait , that's actually not the point of any traditions . So for one of the ways we scale back is we usually do kits , like I will bake a cookie , but we don't actually decorate the cookies we bake because it's too long .

So it's kind of sometimes I think through like how could I break them up to more manageable bites for the kids because their attention span . So we'll bake cookies . We have some holiday , only ones , but that's it Like a 10 to 15 minute . And then we have gingerbread . Like actually just literally bought them at Target . There's like four pack for 12 bucks .

I'm like perfect . So then they get their decorating moment . But for me , my idealism being like they don't have to be the combo , it's like beyond their capacity in mind . That was just one of the ways that we scaled back .

And then another thing we do is we go caroling every year which is so fun but I'm laughing at in this idea of kind of like offensively small , like chunking them out . I make it like three traditions in one . So one week we write the little we make handwritten um invitations to the neighbors we usually go to like six houses .

So that's like one week , and then like a few days later , on the next week , we actually pass them out and then eventually we actually go caroling . But I get like almost like three things out of one , if that makes sense .

So I do that with other things where I'm like okay , how can I actually make them offensively small and get more bang for my buck out of one tradition ? Um , and it makes it meaningful because they talk about , even in our brains , the anticipation of something . We get as much of a dopamine hit as the actual thing .

So I've actually I think I heard that three or four years ago and as a mom I was like done . I'm changing my tactic where I'm going to play out the anticipation way more than the event .

So my perspective with like traditions has changed , where I , instead of home runs , I try to just do solid like get on base , like in the analogy of like baseball , I just try to hit a solid single get on base the things that I think I don't know if you can relate to this the things I think are going to be home run aren't , oh my gosh , almost never

Right Like I'm , like no one cares .

Then it's like oh , that's when I know I can control myself . Still , is that like I did enough that I'm like , if no one appreciates it , I'm still fine and I'm going to . It's enough for me versus yeah , Does that make sense ? Like having a deficit , where I need them to show up a certain way to be okay .

You know , recognizing that I feel very influenced by people's reaction to me , or like the things that I'm doing for them and , yeah , filling my identity too wrapped up into that and learning how to be okay if other people aren't okay is still a journey .

five sections to this party , you know , like cleanliness of my house , food connection , vibe or activity .

Sometimes that blows people's mind that I do food , lists , events , but I'm like actually it's a lower I think of you know and habits . You're supposed to do them so small so it's a lower barrier to entry .

So , I'm like , if my goal is actually community building and connection or an experience for the kids , I want to have a lower barrier of entry where I don't make it too high that I avoid doing things .

And then I that's always my first plan and I think with ideals I'm like , okay , let's scale it back , let's . And then I like , scale it . Okay , what's the like , what is actually the essential goal ? And then I build backwards from just like this dream picture versus does that make sense to actually ?

I like how you broke that down into like , yeah , vibes , food , like people , and you saying , like creating a lower barrier , uh , barrier of entry , that's for other people too , where it's like I sometimes I have events that maybe , like my expectations , might like leak out onto other people too , where they might feel like , oh no , I need to like bring this

thing to , like the dinner party , or like dress up this much and maybe they're less likely to come because , like , I'm projecting those expectations too . That's an interesting point .

Can you give us an example of something that you've noticed idealism , like what your ideals would tell you an event , tradition should look like it could be holiday , it doesn't have to be Christmas specific . And then what did it look like to scale back and kind of like , what were the results ?

So if you're thinking about like a scientist , like this is what you experimented with changing and then what were your results ?

And , um and one year I was just working so much and I was like I still really want to host , like I really enjoy hosting , I love having everyone at my house , uh , family . Um , and I was like I , I just can't , like I , I cannot , and so I got so much like pre-made food from Costco and like , wow , you can get literally everything .

You can get the entire thing and I'm like , wow , I've really been cheating myself these years trying to make everything from scratch . I would have made all that stuff from scratch , like the scalloped potatoes .

Peace with it Like it's more important to host than how did it feel internally , I feel like it was happening as I was doing it .

But the thing is , though , I know the food is good and like I know that I would enjoy it too , and , like as a kid , sometimes you kind of like pre-made food better than , like you know , fancy food , and so I'm like oh you know , like my niece Isabel will really like this , probably better than like this other thing that I might spend two hours making .

Okay .

Then emotionally , did the holiday feel less and you can break it apart if certain , certain parts did yeah , like , instead of and again this kind of goes back to , like the Martha comparison instead of like getting up from the table like 10 times , to like get stuff out of the oven and like serve people and be like , oh , do you need like a refill on that

wine or that drink ? Um , and just , and kind of like being like a hawk , like watching everyone and being like hyper vigilant about like what they needed , I like just really enjoyed myself and like and also I let other people get stuff because I didn't feel like I was managing it .

I wasn't project managing the food and so I wasn't like , oh , I have to add butter to the sauce at this time .

So , like you can't help me and I think I have a I have a really hard time delegating when I am in idealism because I don't know , maybe it's like controller vision and I , and I think that some of it too , is lack of planning , and so I've tried to get better with if I do want to like be a little extra , I will actually take the time to make a list

of things that I can delegate to other people , so that . I don't feel lonely in my cooking , like I don't feel like it's like I'm just serving .

I feel like it is more collaborative , I feel supported , um , but sometimes it's just a lack of planning where I'm like I don't know what to tell you to help me when other people offer to help Cause they do always offer to help Like I'm not like poor me over here just like cooking and providing for everyone . Like Cinderella , back in the kitchen .

We were talking about what would be a hope for the trip . So one of the parts in my book is actually talking through food planning . Here are some options . Here's how you could start that conversation . How do you want to break it up ?

And I think people sometimes think it sounds intense , but we're so because we've been doing this for a few years as a family . It's such a chill flow . But me knowing that I'm not doing breakfast enables me to show up differently for the lunch duties because I know someone else has agreed and already has a plan for breakfast . Does that make sense ?

And then I don't feel as lonely and then I'm more present in breakfast . And then I don't feel like it feels shared and no one feels like controlled , because sometimes if I didn't plan ahead in the moment , I'd be like do this , don't do that , and I'd either be more lonely or like a barking orders .

So a little bit of forethought , I feel like , really helps get the support without it feeling triggering . Maybe , it's cluing people in and then they're also getting to choose . If you get an advanced notice of like these are some things I can help with versus stir faster , fred , I know .

So when she tells you to pick up a vegetable , it's literally like I'm sorry , I promise I'm an adult , but I've never heard of that vegetable before , and where would I buy it ?

first time , and you realize like oh , they're , you know , their way of like engaging is just different than mine and so maybe for them , like asking questions or talking about their day , like that might actually feel awkward to them .

So I think it's just like breaking through into like the unknown and but I think it's a worthy cost and it honestly can be uncomfortable to be like everyone .

Sit down , we're going to talk about expectations or start that group text and be like hey guys , like because it does feel a little bit vulnerable to be like let's talk about things that we don't talk about , that like kind of upset people .

This , I'm not going to follow up . And now I'm like dogmatic . I'm like I know this benefits all of us , so I do it kindly . But I'm like would love to hear what you're thinking about the trip or whatever kind repetition could be . But I know that it's a benefit to all of us and I'm not

going to be intense about whatever we come up with . But having no plan , so much more opportunities for accidental , like stepping on people's toes , or missed , like unvocalized expectations . Actually , didn't you guys um , start doing like a literal conversation , not about meal planning but about trip expectations ?

So I lived with this aunt and uncle for a while and so he's definitely very much like a father figure to me and like he could be pretty strict in certain ways . So I'm like , yeah , what did I do wrong ? Am I in trouble ?

But he's actually like , over the past years , has really like grown so much in like emotional intelligence and just like care and sensitivity and I really like been wanting to like take pages out of his book for that .

But he , yeah , literally just called to chat about , like what was important to me about the trip and you know , he , yeah , he asked like hey , what do you want it to feel like ? Like what are you hoping it will feel like , like what things are you hoping will happen ?

And I was just like absolutely shocked , because I'm like I don't even know if I've thought about that .

Like I think that I was so in admin mode , I literally made like , uh , like , an internet page for the reunion so that like people could like get the info , oh , and so that we could share meal planning , because there , you know , there are typically people who are like will more step forward .

And then , you know , and so I was like I'm going to divide it evenly whether you guys like it or not , but um , uh , and so , yeah , and I like , wow , I just felt really like cared for that . He would even like consider that .

Because I think sometimes also , you just get used to like your roles with each other and I like I was like , oh , he's , he's speaking to me like an adult and I am an adult , but I'm like , oh , you , just , you just get used to .

I think , even with siblings , like older siblings , where it's like you might defer to people , or I think that sometimes that's what those conversations do is kind of break that , where it's like , oh , we're all like peers in a way , and so it's like we all like need to be equally heard .

And so it just made me think about like , oh yeah , what do I want it to feel like Like I could , it could be a success on paper and everyone makes all the meals they're supposed to make and we do the things that like we usually do in Yosemite and like , but people leave feeling disconnected , um , but I think that's so common with family trips .

So I would probably have resisted doing something like this in years past because I wanted it to be organic . I don't want anyone to feel controlled . But what I realized is that , without any talks about it , most of us left somewhat disappointed . So I was like , oh , the absence of no structure doesn't actually just simply equal connection .

It's a little bit chaotic and like there's no control , that's for sure , but there's not necessarily the connection that I was hoping for . So I think even when I send the text out actually literally the book have a script of what to say , because some people just get so frozen .

But when I send the text out , in my heart posture , it's like thoughtfulness for connection . It's not an attempt to build this like rigid control for the trip . Like I actually want to hear what you want , so that we could . I think it feels like collaboration . So let's like get there together so that we all feel like heard and connected .

Now you do that with your family too , right .

Um , and , like you know , made sure that all the kids were there .

love , though , because when we do this , what I realized , I think I thought over , felt overwhelmed by the quantity that there would be if every person got one but I realized how we could stack some of them like oh like

you can just be a smidge more intentional and it like means more for a few people rather than just one person's list . Yeah , yeah I was going to ask do you have any examples of a couple like little ?

I think it's always fun to hear other people's traditions with their kiddos , so do you have any examples of Christmas stuff that you enjoy doing with Teddy ?

that's a great example if you just increase your intentionality there it's not like something totally new or different , because I think sometimes I I think to make it christmasy , it has to be .

I can get like a traditional calendar and then I bought like some advent cards to like read , so he'd have to have to pay for his treat with his time and attention , so like it was really cute though Cause then he for some reason we'd always do it in the hallway and there's like a little beanbag in the hallway and he would like start to like prepare for it

. And so he would like sometimes just like sit down in his beanbag in the hallway and like wait but he would like really patiently , like when I would read you know , like the advent , you know verse or whatever , and so yeah , that's great actually just confession is that we have never done the advent reading as a family .

Is that realizing I wanted to actually get an advent habit and I think the concept's there , but I realized , like with other things , if I think I peaceful Christmas planner book is that realizing I wanted to actually get an advent habit and I think the concepts there , but I realized , like with other things , if I think I could do it whenever it's often never

so , just increased intentionality for it . And , um , for me with the win with the kids , is that , um , I needed a reward . Like you said , aaron had asked that we don't do chocolates today . I was like okay , so I was trying to find something else . So I actually found um , so I made like a list . In my book there's like a actual little tracker .

It's actually free too . So I'll put the link to the free advent tracker um in the show notes for this podcast . But in the book the thing that I did to upgrade it um , was I made a 24 list of corresponding um for the kids' cartoons . So we're going to read it and then they get to watch their like four minutes or less the clip .

So that's like their reward . Because and it was cool , because , okay , I just have to say I thought this was going to take me like 30 minutes to make this little YouTube clip . It took me hours . So I feel like I have watched all that the internet has to do cartoon , biblically , advent or whatever , um , but that being said , what I noticed is the kids .

I think there's part of me just even talking about idealism . I feel a bit ashamed , like maybe some guilt , for like adding a video to like a Jesus thing .

So I was like , oh , this is going to be such an asset for my kids so I'm excited about it's like a link tree with like every Advent corresponds with a video clip . So I think it's going to be really fun .

Like he , taught people in the way that they could receive it and that they could understand it and like trusted , like the spirit , to guide them .

Well , I found one . Oh , she's laughing . She knows where I'm going with this . I found one that gets in your car , so you plug it into your car lighter and then it blows . It's a sand that blows up in your front seat and my kids love it , they lose their mind .

So our little habit is , frankly , in December , probably three to four nights a week after dinner , instead of like we walk a lot after dinner in the summer , but in for december we plug it in and we put all the windows , we put on coats and we just go sing christmas songs .

Oh , my gosh combo of like drive by caroling and usually wesley's out the like that is chaotic , I love it and then um , and then anyone's walking by . I always feel bad because he's like look at our sandals , look at it . He like harasses . I'm like buddy , calm down .

So I would have thought like judgmental Jenna would have been like that's lame , the kids aren't going to like it , but it's their favorite thing and when we try to do the bigger lights , they're usually less impressed or get less joy , like when you're thinking about effort versus results . We get more joy out of our afternoon or , sorry , post dinner .

Uh , looking in our neighborhood and we like notice . We try to like notice different things every time from the same houses and then it's partially to that like singing loudly , sing along . So , anyways , I hope someone tries that .

It is the most basic holiday tradition , but a lot of bang for your back , no sprinkles involved or sugar , so you're winning I know .

So the point , our main takeaway from this podcast episode , would be to look at your traditions this year and look at where can you do good enough versus idealism letting you telling you what success is . How can you get off the hamster wheel of doing so much and it never being enough for yourself or by comparison to others ?

and actually releasing yourself for being honest , what your capacity like you said , serena , like what your capacity is energy , time , budget wise and actually make powerful choices to honor those capacities and then be proud and content with what you have to offer , versus like I don't know , wistfully thinking it would have been better in past or yeah .

So , just like I think

that really is a big key is contentment of what you have and proud and grateful for what you gave , versus I wish you , or you should have , could have , would have . So release idealism this season . We hope you have a great Christmas . You should grab my ebook it's only $17, . Peaceful Christmas Planner . There's five sections .

There's the first one you do hopes for the holiday . It's like three or four worksheets to define what your goal is . Then I actually have something called the tradition tracker , where it's multiple pages , where , like I said , I get you to write your tradition down . What were the results , what were your emotions and are you going to tweak it .

And then I have you actually brainstorm edits for the ones you need to scale back . And then there is the I think it's practical planning and I walk you through a bunch of components of like , okay , plug in those traditions on your month calendar , and then it gives you weekly ones as well .

And then , obviously , the reunion roadmap on how to vocalize expectations so that you thoughtfully collaborate as a group to build your trip in a way that feels connecting . And then the last one , the last section in my book , is the Advent Habit . And not only does it take you through that , you'd have access to the 24 video clip for anyone who buys my book .

That's in that , and then I have a private Facebook group for accountability for people who want to do the whole Advent habit this season . You get to access to that automatically by buying my book , so the link is in my show notes . Have a great Christmas season everybody . Thanks for coming . Serena , thank you .