Dealing with passive aggressive comments are some of the hardest statements to respond to. Using the "translation" process it helps us protect our boundaries from these hurtful comments without creating a fight. Get your own copy of - You Can Turn Conflict into Closeness
What is emotional connection? Why does it often decrease over time in relationships and how can we get it back ? Emotional connection or intimacy is sometimes hard to describe, but it's easy to know when it's gone. In this episode, Emil discusses the pattern of decreasing emotional investment in relationships and how to turn things around. Creating shared emotional experiences is the key to connection. Emotional intimacy is the attunement and resonation of our emotional experiences. When emotion...
Is happiness really a choice? What role should your partner play in your happiness? In this episode, Emil describes the roles and responsibilities we have as individuals and as partners regarding happiness. He explains why taking responsibility for your partner’s happiness can lead to an amazing marriage. But what if your partner is never happy regardless of your efforts? What if they don’t try to make you happy? Emil discusses the role of personal responsibility and when it may be time to chang...
What is the secret to a great marriage? This is the most frequent question that I receive. The answer is simple: seeking, receiving, and responding to feedback. In this episode, I share how feedback is the key to true closeness. I explain why the purpose of marriage is growth and becoming our best selves, not comfort and convenience. Feedback Check-In 1. I am working on __________. 2. On a scale of 1-10, how am I doing on _________? 3. What can I do to move that number closer to 10? 4. What else...
What are the rules about bringing things up from the past? In relationships, partners often bring up the past during arguments in the present. Why does this happen, when is it legitimate, and how do we handle it? In this episode, Emil answers all these questions and more. Why do people bring up past events: 1. They are unsure of how to communicate their feelings of disappointment in the present and use past events or behaviors to support, intensify, or accentuate the expression of their current ...
It's vital to be critical about any marriage advice you find online. Here's how to ensure you're getting good, reliable information: 1. Source Credibility: Reputable Websites: Focus on sites run by mental health professionals, relationship therapists, or established organizations dedicated to marriage and family wellness. Look for websites with ".org," ".gov," or ".edu" domains. Examples include: The Gottman Institute ( https://www.gottman.com/ ) American Association for Marriage and Family Ther...
Are you tired of chasing the life you want? Do you wish there was a way to make your dreams a reality? In this episode, Emil interviews Jeff D Buehner, author of The Sultan's Seven Secrets. Jeff shares how he came across an ancient manuscript that changed his life (and inspired the story of Aladdin and the Magic Lamp ) . By using imagination to change the way we feel, we can actually affect our physical selves in significant ways. In fact, the only language our bodies understand is the language ...
In this insightful episode, Emil welcomes his son, Hunter Harker, to discuss the crucial role relationships play in the overall well-being of seniors. Hunter draws from his inspiring talk to explore how strong social bonds directly contribute to both physical and mental health, particularly as we age. Key Points: Why Relationships Matter (Especially for Seniors): Hunter delves into the unique challenges seniors may face, including loneliness, isolation, and changing social circles. He explains h...
In this episode, Emil is interviewed by Shiree Best on her podcast, Just Love Them . What do you do when your kids are making poor choices? Do you tighten the reigns and set additional boundaries? Emil shares his method of using connection during these challenging situations. This method can change brain chemistry in a way that allows for curiousity instead of anxiety. He explains how to use faith, not fear, to create a dialogue that bonds. Step One: Understand the crap out of them! Step Two: As...
We may not be able to control the actions or feelings of others, but we can't deny our influence on them. In this episode, Emil explains how to maximize that influence. He shares the key to creating safety through listening and understanding and why it's important to be seen as a reasonable person. How to " understand the crap out of someone ": 1. Understand their perspective and the story behind that perspective. By doing this you can understand their feelings. 2. Validate their perspective. Sh...
Do you avoid discussing controversial topics with friends and family? Do conversations often get heated and uncomfortable? In this episode, Emil shares an effective communication tool that helps to turn moments of difference into moments of connection and growth. He uses 5 phrases to facilitate a productive conversation. These phrases allow you to be assertive, share your opinion, and potentially open a previously closed mind. 5 Phrases to Disagree without being Disagreeable 1- Question 2- Objec...
What’s the difference between codependency and interdependence in relationships? Codependency Definition: An unhealthy reliance on another person for emotional or physical needs to the point of sacrificing one's own well-being. Key characteristics: Extreme focus on the other person's problems and needs Difficulty setting boundaries Fear of abandonment or rejection Enabling destructive behaviors Low self-esteem and self-worth Difficulty expressing feelings and needs Feeling responsible for others...
Social media and popular psychology have skewed the way we think about self-love. It is more complex than simply relaxing or taking time for yourself. Self-love is the purest form of positive regard you have for yourself. Our relationships with ourselves are made up of both how we talk to and care for ourselves. In this episode, Emil discusses the many facets of self-love and how to obtain it. Formula for Self-Talk - P.S.E. Positive Supportive Encouraging Building Self-Love 1) Gain self- awarene...
Dating can be a challenging and stressful process. People often don’t know what to look for in a potential partner. In this episode, Emil resumes the discussion on how to find a successful relationship. He shares the list provided by ChatGPT, explains what he feels is absent from the list, and gives advice on avoiding heartbreak. Requirements for a Successful Relationship: 1. Know yourself 2. Communication skills 3. Emotional intelligence 4. Patience and timing 5. Compatibility and shared values...
Are you looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with? Are you wondering where to begin or how to find a good match? In this episode, Emil answers these questions and shares ChatGPT’s 15 things you need for a successful relationship. Requirements for a Successful Relationship: 1. Know yourself 2. Communication skills 3. Emotional intelligence 4. Patience and timing 5. Compatibility and shared values 6. Trust and honesty 7. Independence and boundaries 8. A willingness to grow and adapt ...
Set realistic goals. It is important to set realistic goals for yourself when you are trying to overcome addiction. Don't try to quit all at once, as this can be overwhelming and lead to relapse. Instead, set smaller, more achievable goals for yourself, such as reducing your intake of the addictive substance or activity by a certain amount each week. Make time for activities that you enjoy. One of the best ways to overcome addiction is to find healthy activities that you enjoy and make time for ...
Your partner is using pornography, now what? The strength of a relationship is not determined by whether pornagraphy is present, but by how it's navigated within the relationship. Pornagraphy use can cause shame, secrecy, and dishonesty. This can lead to feelings of betrayal and cause distance between partners. Emil explains how to regain closeness through open and effective communication, Questions to Explore as a Couple: - What is your definition of pornography as a couple? - What are the rule...
Why do men watch porn? Misconceptions about pornography use can be damaging to relationships. They affect how men and women view themselves and each other. This can cause unnecessary pain and distance in relationships. Emil shares 5 myths, then explains what really leads to pornography use. 5 Myths about why men view pornography: 1. Not getting enough sex 2. Not being attracted to their partner 3. Men are visual creatures 4. Men are naturally more promiscuous 5. It's MEN that look at porn Get yo...
What do you do after an affair is revealed? How do you get the marriage back on track and rebuild trust? One of the best places to start is with a disclosure statement. To trust, there must be understanding. A disclosure statement is given by the person who betrayed, to the person they betrayed. It provides clarity and understanding about what happened and why. This is not always easy and often takes a great deal of self-reflection by the betrayer. However, understanding the thoughts, behaviors,...
"I'm curious to hear your perspective." This shows that you are open to learning new things and that you value the other person's opinion. "Can you help me understand why you believe that?" This asks for clarification and shows that you are trying to see things from the other person's point of view. "What evidence do you have to support that?" This challenges the other person to think critically about their beliefs and to provide evidence to back them up. "I see things differently." This acknowl...
Sexual intimacy is an important part of a marital relationship for many reasons. It can: Strengthen the bond between partners. Sexual intimacy can help couples feel closer and more connected to each other. It can also be a way for couples to express their love and affection for each other. Increase feelings of happiness and well-being. Sexual intimacy can release endorphins, which have mood-boosting effects. It can also help couples relax and de-stress. Improve physical health. Sexual activity c...
If you have ever wondered what a counseling session is like with me, or even just how counseling works, this episode is for you. Listen as I walk alongside with Mark and Jenn in an ACTUAL counseling session. The "Rock" of your Priorites The idea that priorities are rocks and the rest of our life is sand is a metaphor for the importance of focusing on the most important things in our lives. If we try to fit everything into our lives, we will end up feeling overwhelmed and stressed. But if we focu...
A toxic relationship is when two people in a relationship become reactive to each other's reactions, also known as a defensive-defensive cycle. They are unwilling or unable to keep their composure in certain situations without becoming defensive. Having the right tools can help to get out of toxic moments. But we need to be able to identify those moments. 5 Personality traits that contribute to toxic relationships: 1. Strong mismatched attachment styles (see podcast on attachment styles for more...
Emil speaks to Lisa. Lisa’s 16 year old step son recently moved in her her and her husband. It has dramatically changed her dynamic with her husband and she is looking for ways to communicate the may improve the situation. 1) Determine desired outcome 2) Identify expectations 4 statements of conflict: criticisms, questions, declarations, commands How to avoid defensiveness in conversation: 1) Share feelings and reasons 2) Put yourself in the other’s shoes 3) Check in Once there is understanding ...
Designing your marriage is the process of intentionally creating the kind of marriage you want. It's about setting goals, communicating openly, and working together to build a strong and lasting relationship. Save 50% on Marriage Makeover Gold Package There are many different aspects to designing your marriage, but some of the most important include: Communicating effectively. This means being able to share your thoughts and feelings in a clear and respectful way. It also means being able to lis...
There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Secure attachment: People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable depending on others and trusting them. They are able to express their emotions openly and honestly, and they feel confident that their partners will be there for them when they need them. Anxious attachment: People with an anxious attachment style are often worried about being abandoned or rejected. They may feel a strong need to be close t...
Today is part II of the conversation with my son, Hunter Harker. Hunter continues his in-depth explanation of our evolutionary biology and why act the way do. Our brain’s survival mechanisms are sabotaging our ability to communicate rationally and with empathy. Hunter teaches us to overcome these survival impulses and regain our security, self-love, and ultimately our ability to connect with others. 1. Take care of yourself physically. Treat yourself as if you were a close friend or family membe...
Today Emil interviews his son, Hunter Harker. Hunter is a college student and trainer for the Residential Treatment Center Parent Program. He explains the neurobiology of defensiveness and insecurity. Our brains have evolved to help us survive, but they have not adapted to the modern world. The primal part of the brain is hijacking our logic and empathy with even the smallest perceived threat. By fully understanding what is happening in the mind and body, and why, we can take steps to address th...
YOU are the reason your relationship is the way it is. This may be hard to hear, but taking ownership gives you the power to create change. Instead of feeling like a victim of your circumstances, what can you do to change the dynamic? Here are a few things: 1. Put your partner’s desires before your own. 2. Utilize the power of validation. 3. Talk about what you DO want in the relationship. Remember, what you put up with, you end up with. Get a FREE copy of my book- The Power of One Extreme Owner...
Treat marriage like an organism not a piece of paper. Treat marriage like a business. Unconditional Love is marriage cancer - Wanting to be loved unconditionally is destructive. Being Defensive is completely biological -. Dichotomies that polarize explains a lot of the conflict- Some people choose peace over closeness, and fear vulnerability that desire intimacy. Being pursued creates security. The feeling of relational Security is the result of being pursued not being in control. If you aren’t ...
