Hey, it's Alexander from Dom Safe Living, and today I'm joined by my Dom Jay.
Hey, it's great to be here on the podcast.
We got some amazing questions, everything from long-distance world to how to turn off boloss mode after work to how punishment is supposed to feel, and we're answering it all together.
Yeah, it's gonna be fun.
And just so you know, Jay is going to answer a punishment question he's never talked about publicly. Um, someone also asked us about dirty talk in six different styles. We'll get to that. And we're sharing the hardest part of doing DS while juggling real life and work and family, the part nobody ever sees. So let's dive in. Welcome to the Dom Subliving podcast. So these questions come from our Dom Subliving community.
This is a really great place to hang out if you want to connect with other people just like you who are wanting to live the BDSM lifestyle. We have a community of over 10,000 people just like you.
So if you're not part of our community, take a minute and go to domsubliving.com slash community. We've put a link for it in the description so you can join in on the fun. And without further ado, let's dive into the questions you all have for us.
So our first question comes from Frances. She's an AllX Pass member, and she says, What are your thoughts or experience with maintaining your sub role while balancing your career or your job? It's hard turning off my professional role when I get home. So I totally get this as a sub, and I know you see me struggle with this too, but it is really hard to turn off your brain when you've been working all day.
So one thing I know we do is we have transition rituals, um, you know, things like, you know, after the workday is done, um, you know, I'll come to you, um, I'll kneel. Um, but one thing that also just helps us too is just having little small pockets of time throughout the day. So it's not like I'm on and off as a sub. So even throughout the day, even throughout work, I'm still having to like, you know, think in sub mode. You know, I'm still using our honorifics.
Um, you know, I'm still wearing my collar. So that really helps to just keep me in the mindset throughout the whole day. So it's not like this big abrupt shift that happens.
Exactly. And it doesn't always happen like instantaneously too. Like it's not like a flip of a light switch, you know, sometimes, especially you've had like a rougher day, uh, it takes sometimes a little while to transition, you know, and I can kind of, you know, help along with that by, you know, kind of cueing her along with something like, you know, hey, aren't you supposed to do something? You know, stuff like that. Because nobody's perfect. You forget things sometimes.
Or like I said, if it's a bad day and she's been really busy, it it takes a little bit to get that transition going.
Um, sometimes having a mantra can help too. Um, something you you say to yourself at the end of the workday. Um again, just having a ritual that means something to you. Um, maybe it's even a meditation that you do so you can kind of just decompress. Um, I know that helps a lot of people too. And, you know, just talking to your partner about it too. I think, you know, sharing with them like, hey, you know, I'm struggling with this and you know, I'm having a hard time making that transition.
Do you think that's something we can talk about? Or do you have any ideas for me? You know, so being vulnerable like that, I think can really help.
Yeah.
And speaking of things that feel vulnerable, the next question is one so many people never even admit out loud. So this one comes from Jeanette. She says, I've been thinking about this lifestyle for years, but can't get over the fear of being judged or people being disingenuous. Are there exercises to help with distress?
Well, one thing that I would say is, you know, you're gonna find your community to put yourself out there and, you know, on your own first, maybe work with some small things like journaling and um, you know, disclosing small things to certain people you think are safe. Uh online spaces are a good place to start because online you're about as safe as you can be. You're you're, you know, behind your screen and nobody can see you, you're anonymous, as much as anonymous as you want to be, at least.
So that's a good place to start. And going out in the community, you know, you can show up to a munch and be completely vanilla and just there to meet people and check things out, and you're gonna find it to be really welcoming. And they're, you know, in their as vanilla as you could mode when they're there, you know, everybody's there just to talk and meet people and to expand their community also. So everybody kind of has the same goal in mind.
And not to say everyone you meet is gonna be someone you feel safe with, but you will find your community. You just gotta put yourself out there and start looking.
So um kind of like what uh Jay said, I think kind of just microdosing, um, you know, working on it a little bit here and there, and then just seeing how that feels, um, I think can, you know, really help you. Um, and then one exercise I know we like to do together is kind of just saying, um, what's the worst that can happen? Um, and and thinking about what the worst can happen is, um, letting your mind go there and thinking, okay, what if I meet a scammer? What if I meet an abuser?
Like all these horrible things, you know, take it as far as it could go. What's the worst that can happen? Um, you know, kind of expose yourself to that feeling instead of it being this like hidden fear that you never want to address, you know, think about how far, you know, it can go, what's the worst that can happen and how you would deal with that and how you would be okay. And then I think there's the flip side of it is thinking, well, like what's the best that can happen?
Say you go into the community, like Jay was saying, and you meet the most incredible partner or the most incredible friend. You meet your best friend. Um, you find a munch that you feel at home with. And it's just the greatest thing that's ever happened in your life. You feel, you know, so safe and welcome. You would have never gotten to experience that unless you put yourself out there. So those are just some, you know, mental exercises you can do.
Like Jay said, you know, journal about those things, but I think that can really help.
And we've had quite a few people in our community even say, Hey, I just went to my first munch and it was incredible. I was so nervous and scared. I didn't even really talk to anybody, but I had the best time of my life. And so you can really go at your own pace, even when you do put yourself out there.
Yeah, it's it's really beautiful to see, you know, people take that first step and to see that it it's not as bad as they thought. So I think you'll see that you'll experience the same too.
Yeah.
And this ties so perfectly into our next question because fear doesn't just come from the community, it also comes from our own family. So our next question comes from Dawn and E. And they say, How do you approach sharing your DS relationship? We're married, um, within your family. I'm tired of hiding, but not trying to shove it in anyone's face.
Well, one thing, the most important thing is that they see that your relationship is happy. Um, I think if if anything came out or if something was noticed or picked up on, um you're allowed to be private, but not necessarily, you know, keep secrets from people. And the main thing to say is, you know, yeah, but it's consensual and it makes us happy. And you know, we're not doing, we're not hurting each other, you know, stuff like that.
So that's the main thing I would say is you can be as open as you want, or you can just be less trying to hide it, if that makes sense.
And I think it depends on the family too, because you know, only you know your relationship with your family members, like whether this is a sibling or a parent, or maybe it's you know, a distant aunt, and then you would have maybe a totally different relationship with. But kind of like what we talked in the other question about microdosing, is this is another great way to kind of microdose and kind of test the waters.
Um, one thing that I had started doing is just um like Jay said, not not being ashamed of it, not keeping secrets, but you know, it's okay to have privacy, but not feeling like this is some deep, dark, hidden secret. So for me with microdosing, I would just kind of start dropping little hints here and there. So if someone asked me, you know, oh, what did you do this weekend, you know, I might say, oh, we actually found this really cool dungeon place in the city.
And so we went and explored that and it was really fun. And then just seeing how they react. If they ask follow-up questions, then you can kind of see, okay, maybe this is an opportunity to talk more about it. But if they completely shut it down or just think, like, why would you do that? That's so like stupid or weird, then you know that's maybe not a safe place to talk about those things. But again, only you know your your family and you know what they're willing to take.
But so I would say just kind of start dropping things here and there and see how they respond.
Yeah, and remember you're in control of what you say and what you don't say. So, like Alessandra said, you you can find out, like, okay, this person is turned off by that and not a safe person to disclose that, then they'll ask a person you don't share it with. Um and if, like I said, if anything big came out, just as long as you can say, you know, hey, uh, we're happy. That's the main thing, you know.
And there's nothing bad with keeping it to yourself. In some ways, I kind of like it. It's almost like our our dirty little secret that we have that, you know, it's almost like I'm a superhero, that it's this, you know, thing I do that nobody else knows about. Um, so it almost kind of keeps it more special between us, even as a married couple. So um, you know, don't feel like you're missing out by not telling people in your family about it too. So that's just another way to look at it.
Yeah, and you never know too. You may have one family member that's super accepting and really curious, and it'd be someone you can actually introduce to the lifestyle. So you just never know.
That's true. And now let's get into something a little spicier because this next question is about relationship polarity when both people are dominant. So this person asks, how do you deal with a partner who's as dominant as you are and not willing to switch?
So one thing I thought about with this one is that being dominant isn't necessarily a role, it's more of a mindset. And so that that mindset doesn't necessarily have to be a mindset both of you share at the same time, if that makes makes more sense. Like you can be in charge of your scene or your intimacy or whatever one night, and then they can be in charge the next night. And that's not being submissive necessarily, it's just letting the other one make decisions.
Um you can plan together, talk about fantasies, uh, stuff like that. You can uh say, hey, it'd be fun to do this. Can we kind of put something together along these lines at night? And just go with that. And you know, don't focus on the fact that if one of you is in charge of the other, that you're being the submissive role, because there's just tons of ways around that.
I think we're kind of all caught up in the heteronormative that there has to be a dom and there has to be a sub, but we can make our dynamics however we want. Um, you can be, you know, co-dominants, like like Jane mentioned, you know, there's there's nothing wrong with having two dominants. And in just like any relationship, you you know, there has to be compromise. And so you just may have to compromise a little more. Um, you know, maybe just alternate leadership roles.
Um, or maybe one of you is really strong in one area and maybe not so much the other. Um, you know, even in the bedroom, maybe one of you is, you know, really good with the flogger, and another is, you know, really good with rope. So, you know, you just never know. But I I think we we all need to get out of these mindsets where we think, you know, this is how a dynamic has to be.
Yeah, you make your dynamic the way you want it to be. You're both of you are in charge of getting your needs met, though. That's one thing that I wanted to bring up. That, you know, that's the main thing is discussing your needs with each other and making sure those needs are met. Even if both of you tend to take the more dominant role, uh, you still may have individual needs that you have to be addressed. You're or that resentment is gonna come in if you don't.
So I think too, you know, trying to figure out is this just a, you know, a solvable difference, or is this really like a red flag in our relationship? You know, is the other partner maybe just saying, like, nope, I'm not even gonna have this conversation. I'm a dominant and you know, I only want to sub, like there's no room, you know, that would be kind of like a red flag if they're just you know shutting down even a conversation about that.
And you may need to at that point bring in, you know, a coach or you know, a therapist at that point. But we have seen this, you know, type of dynamic work, you know, even you know, two submissives, even so for sure. Yeah, it, you know, just make your dynamic how you want it to be. You know, maybe there's some give and take, but or or maybe you're just co-dominance, but it can definitely work.
Yep.
And now that we're warmed up, we can talk about one of the biggest issues that people asked us about, and this is long distance DS. So Cornelius asks, how do you deal with subdrop, even if you and your DOM are not in the same city? So I know this was a big thing for me when you were having to work out of town for like that whole year when you were working in the Bay Area. Um, we live in LA, and you were having to commute.
And, you know, you were leaving on Sunday nights, coming back, you know, Thursday night, sometimes Friday morning. Um, that was really hard, you know, especially when we would do a scene on the weekend, and then you know, you would leave, you know, that night, it would, you know, the sub drop would, you know, really hit me. And even, you know, the the whole week, it would be really, really hard. So for me, what was helping, well, it's good to know like there's two kinds of aftercare.
There's the emotional aftercare, and then there's the the physical aftercare. So tending to my physical aftercare um is always really, really helpful to prevent the emotional um subdrop that would happen later. And it is a little challenging when you're apart, but you know, the physical things can just be so making sure I'm eating healthy, you would remind me and text me, making sure I'm getting to bed on time. You would even put restrictions on my phone.
So all my electronics would would time out at a certain time. That's that's always fun. Um, making sure I'm exercising. So things like that. Even, you know, if I need to get a massage, I'll go get a massage. Um and then for the emotional aftercare, you assign me different journal prompts. I'll I'll journal every day. Um, meditation is really big for me. So I meditate every day. Um, and then we would just always talk a lot and FaceTime. We were FaceTiming a lot back then.
We would talk on my way up to work, I remember, because I had like a six-hour drive. So while she was getting ready for bed that night, we would talk on the phone. So I was as much there as possible, even if we weren't really talking, just being on the phone, you know, being on the phone together, that really helped.
Yeah. Um, you know, it doesn't have to be a face-to-face, you know, FaceTime call. Um, what really, you know, we found this out actually towards the tail end of it. But what really helped me was just like he said, just having him in the background. And, you know, 10 minutes would go by and we hadn't even said a word. But if one of us wanted to say something, we were right there. So that, so that really, really helped. Um, and I think you just know me and you know how to read me.
So you could tell if I was starting to drop really bad, and you would message me. Um, sometimes you would deliver me flowers or food, even um, a pint of vegan Ben and Jerry's would, you know, show up on the doorstep. So um things like that just really helped during that time.
I think what helped too is she would know when I was gonna check in next, or I knew when she was supposed to check in next. We'd have that regularly like scheduled. So that way it was the connection was there. And if something got missed, then I'd know okay, I need to step in and and be more supportive here because she's having a hard time. You know, I I knew in the morning when she woke up, I knew when her alarm was going to be set for, I knew to expect a text within a certain amount of time.
And if I didn't hear from her, then I'd know to to text or call and check in. Just keeping that connection as solid as possible while I was away.
And I think looking for patterns too, if the subdrop gets really bad and you see it always comes when maybe you do a virtual scene with you know doing things a certain way, then maybe you'll prepare more for the aftercare with that. Um, but just looking for patterns, maybe it's a certain time of day, um, when certain things are going on in their lives, um, and just trying to prepare for it can help too.
Especially if I know something stressful was going to come up that week that she would have to do.
Yeah, that was a big one. So, along with that comes the question almost every long distance Dom asks. And that is what Raymond asks. So he says, How do you make a long distance sub follow directives and guidance? So you probably never had to deal with that, right? Like I'm probably yeah, I'm super perfect, and maybe you never ever have to deal with that.
No, no, no, just most of the time.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
So a couple of things here is you need to keep the connection solid. Um, I know I talked about that before, but keeping the strong connection with your sub is is a lot because you want them to want to obey. And if if they aren't getting what they need out of that dynamic, they're not gonna want to obey. And you even though sometimes as much as they want to, they'll fall short as part of the fun is getting to deal with that. But you know, that's the thing is you want them to want to obey.
So lots of communication. If they've said to you, hey, I need XYZ, make sure that that's happening so that you're keeping up your end of the deal and then you have more of a right to speak up and say when they're not making up their end of the deal. So keeping the connection strong, I think, is just a big point. That way that that desire to submit is there.
And not to put like the blame on the Dom, but I do think it it has to do with the Dom being consistent. If if the Dom isn't consistent, then the sub doesn't need to be consistent and the sub will will follow the lead of the Dom. So I think making sure that you know you're consistent with your roles, um, you're consistent with all the the rituals and the protocols, I think will really help.
Um, and sometimes even for me, um, I know I don't follow tasks and rules sometimes just because I'm being bratty, um, but a lot of times it does have to do with like an unmet need. Um, maybe there's something going, you know, on below the surface. Um, maybe it is a stressful week. Maybe there's, you know, some kind of resentment building that we haven't talked about yet. Um, so a lot of times there's a reason and you kind of have to figure out what that reason is.
Um, assigning journal prompts really helps. Um, but just trying to make Your roles and your protocols just really sustainable for real life. Cause if you can't do them in real life, it's not going to work for long distance. You have to be able to do them. And I think a lot of times we try to take on too much. So a lot of times we tell our students, like, just maybe start with three simple things.
And once you've mastered that and that's not an issue, you know, of course you're going to be, you know, imperfect and maybe mess up here and there. But once you really got a good, you know, track record with those three things, then maybe you can think about adding more on.
And stay consistent with everything too. Yeah. If you're supposed to be checking in to make sure that something's done by a certain time, make sure you're checking in at that time and making sure something's done. That way they, you know, they know what to expect.
And um they should kind of follow a pattern, you know, making sure they understand what the task is, um, then completing the task and following up with you, and then you giving them the affirmations that they need to know, like, hey, they did a good job, uh, that they were pleasing to you, that you know, those reinforcements will make them want to continue serving.
Yeah, because I can't tell you how many times we've gotten together and you've said, like, how come you didn't do this? And I'm like, I I didn't know that's how you wanted me to do it, or how I was supposed to, or like I wasn't completely sure, or I forgot.
And so we've learned to just like we have to write things down, we have to, you know, have it written somewhere, you know, even if we're using something like the obedience app, um, which could be great for long distance, um, but just being on the same page, so there's you know, no misunderstandings, I think can really help. So if you're not already using the obedience app, you can grab our deal that we have for it at domstbeliving.com slash obedience.
Um, I think that would be really helpful too.
Yeah, it's a great app.
Okay, this next question shifts gears. It's for anyone who identifies as a switch. So Nick, he's one of our all access past members. He says, How do you train as a switch while you're searching for a partner?
So I was thinking with this one, it may seem at first like it's kind of challenging to handle this without a partner, but really there's a couple of things you can do. I was thinking to myself, well, you could practice the submissive role more when you're by yourself, doing, you know, certain rituals or kneeling practice, uh setting tasks for yourself and completing them as if you were doing it for a DOM.
And then outside the house, I thought would be a good time to practice the dominance side with how you interact with people on the outside world. Um, trying to take on the dominant role in conversation with at work um with your friends, you know, and making decisions and things like that would be a good place to work on the dominance part of it.
Um and then kind of like I said earlier, you know, when you're by yourself at home, you can still kind of practice the dominance too, like by setting tasks and completing them and congratulating yourself for completing them and giving yourself something a reward for completing certain things or rituals or tasks, just stuff like that.
And then for like the kink side of it too, you know, going to different munches and events and classes and like say it's a a rope class, maybe go one week and go as the top and start learning how to do rope ties. And then the the next month they have the class, attend the class as a rope bottom and learn the skills of a rope bottom. And just trying, you know, different classes and trying both sides of the slash, I think can really help.
And then throughout this time, you'll, you know, while you don't have a partner, you're gonna be learning what parts of the dynamic you really like, what parts of you know that you prefer being a dominant, which which parts you prefer being a submissive, or or which ones you you like both of, and you can just switch back and forth.
So I think using this opportunity is a a great time really to just try out what works for you and do a lot of journaling, um, practice your your self-discipline, like Jay said, and I I think you'll see that this is just a great opportunity and it can just be a lot of fun too.
And what you're probably gonna find out, and it happens a lot, we hear, is that switches actually become some of the best uh practitioners of kink, basically the way to put it, because they have had experienced both sides.
Um that's I think it's such a great idea, like like she said, about when you go to dungeons or something to explore both sides of the of the slash so that way you know how each one is, so it'll make you a better sub or a better dominant, depending on which role you're taking at the time.
Yeah, you're really in a a unique position. So enjoy it.
Yep.
And now we're going into a question that so many of you asked um some version of, and that is what happens when you're with someone new? So Gypsy asked, What are the difficulties of being a sub with a new DOM? Should the sub train them? Who should they learn from? So I love this question. This is one of my favorite questions because I know submissives sometimes get in these situations where they have a new DOM and they they feel like they have to train them and or or should they train them?
And I I think it boils down to the terminology here. So there's a difference between educating someone and training someone. Training someone is when you kind of mold them and you're showing them how you want them to be. And with education, it's more broad. Um, you're just kind of going over the basics, you know, the details, and then they get to then mold themselves what they want to apply to themselves. But the training is more of what a dominant would do to their submissive.
I know you like to use the analogy of a car and how a submissive is like a car, and you're just kind of tweaking and you know, adapting and you know, fine-tuning things here and there to make it the best car for you. And so I think that's what training is. It's it's helping to guide someone and how they will better adapt and serve to you. Um, so education is something though that we all should be doing. Um, I know there's times I come to you with things I learn.
And, you know, in a way, I'm helping to educate you. Um, submissives can always help educate their DOMs, and DOMs can educate their subs. You can, you know, educate your friends, um, educate people at munches. So I think there's a difference between this education and training. So that's just something to keep in mind.
Yeah, a DOM too should be learning from multiple places, not just relying on the sub to train them. It's as she said, you know, and a sub could still make suggestions like, hey, in this situation, you know, I find I kind of really need this. And that's the Dom's cue to say, okay, I need to learn everything I can on how to deal with that. And so the next time the situation comes up, I can handle it the way my sub needs. So finding information in other places, I think, is really good.
Um joining different groups like our community is really good where you can bounce ideas off of other dominants, you can ask them questions, you know, through DMs or even in the forum, and you'll get lots of responses from that. So the the dominant is never done learning, anyways.
Whether you're just starting out or you've been in the lifestyle for years, you're still learning new things, you're still gonna have challenges with your sub that you have to address and learn how to do things differently. But the sub side of it, you definitely gotta be careful to not in a way by trying to prompt your DOM, you could actually top from the bottom too, and you don't want that, because that just will sour the dynamic.
Cause I think too, it's almost a red flag and a trap you don't want to get into where you're constantly having to kind of drag your Dom along, um, where they're not taking the initiative to want to learn from themselves. Like Jay said, they're not wanting to, you know, attend groups, they're not wanting to listen to podcasts on their own, they're they're not wanting to educate themselves.
And then it kind of just keeps you in this role as their teacher instead of just, you know, a fellow educator where you bounce ideas off of each other. Um, your your partner should also be learning on their own so they can share with you. So if you're just constantly having to kind of force feed them this lifestyle, that can be a red flag and something to watch out for.
Yep.
Okay, we promised we'd talk about punishment. And this is the one question that you have never really answered publicly or really even talked about publicly. So this will be fun. Okay, Jeremy said punishment is my biggest challenge as a Dom. I can't seem to get over the initial hump of letting it be okay. Is that something you had to work at? From your perspective, how did your view of your Dom start out before punishment and how has it grown?
And from his perspective, how does he punish you without feeling bad for a lack of a better term?
So, how about we start with you on this one?
Okay. So for me, how punishment uh I has changed my view of him. I think in the beginning, we just kind of did punishment as kind of just this kinky thing. Um, it wasn't, you know, really serious. It was more playful, like, you know, oh you you forgot to text me back, um, you know, within 15 minutes, you know, you're gonna get a spanking. And it's like, oh no, I'm gonna get a spanking and I get a spanking.
Um, it wasn't until it started becoming more real for more of my like actual character flaws and things I was working on. And it really just how it changed my view of him is I started seeing him more. This is gonna sound weird, but I started seeing him more in a parental role as um someone that really cared about me. Um, I know I've shared about this on the podcast in different episodes, but I was the the baby of the family.
And so I felt like I didn't have a lot of, you know, energy towards me from my parents, and they just kind of expected me to be good. I I saw my brother and my sister get punished all the time, put on restriction, and I was never on restriction. I always had good grades, and it was just, you know, my parents would know Alessandra is always good. Alessandra's always gonna get good grades, and she's never gonna do anything wrong. And and that was hard.
You know, at some points I was like, can't someone care about me enough to punish me, to expect something more of me? Um, so I started getting that from you, and it really just changed how I saw you for the better, that you did care enough about me to want to take the time to find ways I could be better because nobody's perfect. So even though I was, you know, obeying and following the rules, you you wanted to push me a little and see, you know, how much better I can be.
And and I I wanted you to punish me. So you were also, you know, doing something that I was asking of you. Um, so that meant a lot to me too, that you were listening to my needs and my wants and and doing that. I think so many times we hear from our students and our clients that they they wish their partner punished them more. I I don't think I've ever heard from one of our student submissives where they said, My dom punishes me too much. I don't think yeah.
So um I think just knowing that this is something that your partner wants and can help them grow.
And if you're ever wondering, like, did I do too much or was it too hard, that's where the the check-ins are for at the end of the week at least, or a check-in daily if that's how you do it. Uh, you you need to remember, like Alessandra said, that it's it's something that has been asked of you and that you're helping them grow and reach their goals as a person uh to better them. And you know, it's kind of an interesting concept.
I remember when I first started, it was hard, like I'm going to do this and it's going to hurt, and that's okay. It takes a little while to wrap your head around it, so don't feel bad for having this concern. It's natural. We've been ingrained into us for you know our whole life to treat women like a weaker person.
They're the ones that you know you have to protect from all harm, and you know, it's it's different when you start looking at it from where I'm gonna have to, you know, give her a spanking or I'm gonna have to put her in time out or in the corner or something like that. And that's the thing too, remember, is p not all if it's physical punishments that you're struggling with, not all punishments need to be physical.
Uh sometimes like in the case of Alessandra here, if a spanking doesn't always do it because she loves spankings. So I either gotta do it so hard that it hurts me as much as her, literally, or I can find a different way to punish that's more effective, like you know, taking away screen time or or making her kneel in a corner, like they said, or uh taking a privilege away, uh hiding the stuffy for a while, whatever it whatever it may be, I can find some way of punishing.
And I feel it's easier to feel better about those ones because you're not causing physical pain. And sometimes they're even more effective. But even with the physical punishments, just remember this is something that's been asked of you. And if it's ever too much, that's what safe words are for. Umsa should always feel like they can use her safe words even for punishments.
I know sometimes that's been a thing where a sub will say, you know, am I allowed to use my safe word when it's a punishment and not a play scene? And that's totally a yes. You know, you can use your safe word anytime.
Yeah, so you can totally use non-physical punishments. Um but just having that conversation, I think, with your sub where you know, you let them know, like, hey, I'm struggling with this. Because I know the, you know, one of the first times like I really cried, like and was upset, like you had a hard time with that.
You were you were almost like, but I thought this was something you wanted, like it was, it would not, you know, compute, you know, where it just seemed like the complete opposite of how things should be. And I had to, you know, tell you, like, even though I'm crying, even though I'm upset, like, yes, this is something I want. So, you know, after the punishment, if you're still feeling that that poll of like, I I this isn't sitting well with me, you know, asking your sub, like, is this okay?
Is this even though you're crying or you're upset or whatever it is, like, is this still something you want? Um, and I think it it just gets easier with time too. I know over the years you've gotten more and more sadistic. Um, so um, but again, like I I still don't think there's ever a time where I'm like, dang, this is this is too much.
So like it is for us too, like we've heard before, it's usually uh that wasn't hard enough.
So sometimes, sometimes will you me? But um, yeah, I'm a huge masochist, so you you have to get creative a lot of the times and definitely and taking away the stuffy. That that is brutal. That is that is dark. So yeah, unfortunately, I've I've had to have that happen before. Okay, now we're sharing the spiciest question we got asked, the one you all waited for. Okay, so this question is do you enjoy dirty talk? Which styles do you use and how do you incorporate them?
And she lists them out as control and denial, praise, degradation, primal worship, erotic narrative. So Angela asked this, and she's a member of our Alllexis Pass. And I told her, like, you really just wanted to see me blush like crazy and just die of embarrassment on this podcast, didn't you? When you asked this. But I would say we enjoy dirty talk. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. I mean, obviously, uh this is a podcast that also gets aired on YouTube.
So um we're gonna have to probably not be so explicit in what we say, unfortunately. Um, but so we can kind of take these maybe one by one and see what we like about them or what we don't like about them. But so she mentioned control and denial. So um I would say, yeah, we we do that one. Um so you do like to do deny. This is really hard to like talk about without like talking about it.
But um, but I would say like a lot of times when you have me restrained in different areas is when you'll do this kind of dirty talk, um, where you'll say things like, you want me to touch you, don't you? And you'll get really close to certain body parts, and um, you know, just really tease me even with your words and say, like, you know, how close do you want me to get? Or, you know, just kind of, you know, being really controlling in that area too.
And then for praise, you do a lot of that too.
A lot of good girls. Um, sometimes the control and denial comes in with that one because I think she shared before about the good girl thing that uh I can generally have a lot of control just by waiting until I am what ready to say you're a good girl. Because and that sometimes has its own control aspect too.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, so definitely lots of good girls um telling me you do that so good. Um, and then back to the control, too. Um you'll tell me what to do. Um, you know, telling me come here, kneel, stay like that. So you're, you know, dictating and controlling a lot of the things I do. Um degradation, I know you do this a lot. Um you like to call me a greedy girl a lot, a dirty girl. Um and that's kind of as far as the degradation goes.
I know some people get really specific with degradation where it's like almost insulting and personal. And that's kind of always been a hard limit with us that, you know, he doesn't, you know, really hit at my sore spots or things I'm really self-conscious about. Like you don't do, you know, degradation in that way. It's mostly, you know, calling me a slut or, you know, just a dirty girl.
Yeah, exactly.
Some things like that. And then um worship. So I will actually do a lot of that and do a lot of worshiping you, um, you know, just describing what I'm doing to you, um, and just using my words in that way. I know a lot of times people have a hard time with dirty talk. And so we tell them, you know, just talk about what you're doing, or talk about what you did, or talk about what you're going to do, and just kind of narrate it like that.
Um, and that's that's kind of the next one is just that erotic narrative. And so I know we both kind of do that.
Yeah, the and you you like it when I do that, don't you? Things like that, you know, and describing what you're doing. Like I said, we can't talk about it without talking about it. It's a little hard, but yeah, I hope you get the you get the gist of what we're saying.
And after the scene is when you can say to your partner, like, oh, I really liked it when you said that, or you know, that one thing you said, do you think you can word? More a little this way, or um, you know, maybe not say that. And so after the scene is when you can kind of just go over what was said. Um, you know, if you read Erotica, that is like a great place to find different phrases for dirty talk.
Um, and sometimes I will say, like, oh, I this is a really good scene I read, and um, he'll read it. So it is hard and it's it's just so weird and awkward to have a microphone like so close to our face and you know, be fully clothed while we're saying these things. But um yeah, so make for a fun time later. Yeah. So uh to answer your question, Angela, yes, we do enjoy dirty talk. Those are some of the ways that we incorporate them.
But as far as like if I had a favorite, like anything with good girl. So whether that is the seems to do the trick. Yes, seems to do the trick. So, you know, whether he's doing that in how he controls me or denies me or praises me or worships me or I, you know, worship him, you know, just having him call me good girl, good girl is just one of my favorites. So thank you, Angela, for that.
And if you want to see a full episode on Dirty Talk, definitely let me know in the comments or reach out to me on social media because I think that would be a really fun one to do. Okay, that was a lot of fun.
Yeah, it was really great.
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