Ep138 - Survival is never pretty

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about survival, which affects most affected by PTSD as far as I know. Which can be quite jarring while being surrounded by non affected people and slow down your healing process.
So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:28]
When we hear usually about survival it is about being stranded on an island, the wilderness and the like - which is of course accurate. But survival also refers to the state many people affected by PTSD are in.
Survival means that you are managing to survive, but not much more than that. Nothing to put aside or to grow. If you brain is at war you barely have focus, energy and will to manage anything besides eat and sleep - and sometimes it isn’t even enough for that.
The problem also is, that survival means stand still - which causes more and more issues the longer it lasts. When you are already barely holding the storm at bay - any further thing likely will make you collapse. But what can you do?
When you are already at your limit - and the circle you are in gets slowly smaller and smaller? That has always been the issue if you are barely holding on. This feeling is wonderfully conveyed in the song waves by Mr Probz.
The song is originally about any relationship to another person. But it describes the feeling of survival so well and the longing to reach the shore and no longer having to struggle just to live. Links and lyrics are in the description.
We will first talk about surviving and then what we can do.

Surviving [2:01]
The title is a quote from the game Starcraft 2 and I choose it because it became a truth that I accepted and helped me through my own survival. I learned to accept that it doesn’t matter how ugly I am or messed up my situation was, as long as I was surviving.
That was the important part. And at times - as I mentioned before - I did struggle to eat and almost always to sleep. The nightmares, the panic, the pain - everything seemed to be determined to stop me from getting rest. Let alone the other stuff.
It all became a challenge, be it showering, shopping, talking with people, getting dressed, washing and so on. And at the same time people around you were just doing it with ease and making advances in job, love, private and so on.
It is like everyone is walking past you while you barely can crawl. I remember hearing a TV moderator say “I couldn’t survive without my morning shower” and I can’t remember a moment I felt more disconnected from humanity.
This person was living on another planet as far as I was concerned. But mostly it is the feeling of shame. I often didn’t talk because I was too embarrassed to talk about my situation and often having to try to explain again and again why I “couldn’t just…”.
A feeling of shame so strong, that I would rather starve than to admit it. I hope for everyone listening it isn’t as bad and it doesn’t matter how bad it is - if you are surviving you are surviving. Which means barely holding on and not living, let alone thriving.
Living means growth.

What we can do [3:58]
But what can we do when we are surviving to improve our situation? Well of course working on our issues is the crucial thing, but that is a long shot and is likely not going to make a strong impact on the near future. It will take time.
And while you do get better during therapy - what are first aid measures we can take? First, we make a list, fine if its only in your head and kick everything out you should or supposed to do and don’t have to do. Then learn to prioritize.
Sleep, food and water is the most important - and then we take it from there. Next we learn to do things with the minimum of effort that is required. Its called min-maxing. What is the minimum effort I need to to get the maximum of what I need.
It doesn’t need to be done great - but it just needs to be done. It doesn’t matter how it looks or the like - it only matters you preserve energy that you can use on getting better and refilling your reserves. You will do things properly again once you are better.
But you are in a state of survival - and that is the main focus. Like mentioned before ‘survival is never pretty’, but a necessity to be able to see better times. And those better times will improve the healing process even more and so on.
When we are overloading our system by trying to look normal and keep things looking normal - we are draining ourselves and hindering our healing process. We are wasting energy we don’t have. It ain’t pretty, but it works.
While we survive we might not be where we want to be, but that doesn’t mean that is who we are. No one is looking good while surviving, not even if its a show - but we can be ourselves again once the survival is over. Then we can measure ourselves again and live.
Live a life worth living.

Outro [6:18]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. 
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. 
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.