Ep136 - Why do I feel hollow?

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about feeling hollow, which can feel like a hole inside of you - that somehow hurts.That feeling is the reason for many problems, sufferings and harmful behavior. Not just with PTSD and many are affected.
So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:31]
The feeling hollow is quite widespread, but hardly talked about. Quite difficult to describe the feeling properly without having experienced it. This sometimes yawning void. Additionally things like depression, stress and the like enhance the feeling.
To make it short, you feel hollow because you are - sort of. The feeling of hollow is there, because there is something inside missing. That can have several reasons, but usually mainly because you never build it, because it faded away and because you are missing people.
That feeling of course also is there during mourning. As usual, the mourning doesn’t only refer to people, but also things, dreams and the like we lost. But for now let us focus on the 3 reasons mentioned above and see what we can do in these cases.
We first talk about it never being build, then because it faded away and lastly about missing people.

Never been build [1:40]
The never being build usually takes place during childhood or later on, if it wasn’t taught how to do it. The childhood is supposed to be the time where you find out who you are, who you are in context of your surrounding and lastly in society.
We are supposed to try out many things to get a good feeling what we like and dislike, what we are good at and what not and what our plans for the future are. Though more commonly it is taught how to project a perfect image of oneself - or the closest thing to it.
The problem is though, that we are not perfect beings. Stand in a room full with people and at least one will be against something you do, like or want. Yes one should be mindful of the people around them, but not let it dictate your life.
We talked about this before, but you counter it by exploring everything you like and figuring out why you like it. Also try new things and find an argument to like or dislike it. Each time you do this it will fill up a small piece of you until you get a very good picture of yourself.
This also helps tremendously with self confidence and a host of other issues. It also pushed out things and people that don’t belong there and make you feel hollow.

It faded away [3:19]
Then there is the case of it fading away. Sometimes we neglect it, because of life or because of active sabotage. Like with everything, for example muscles, skills, relationships, if it doesn’t get taken care of, it will fade.
In some cases it is bound to happen, even if we don’t want to - for example when we can no longer do it or just grown out of it - and it will fade away as it should. But leaving the spot for that very thing will leave a hole that just expands.
In this case it is important to just mourn what you had and let it go. It will hurt, but also open you up for a new opportunity. I know how hard and painful this can be - it is hard to let things go you don’t want to let go.
But it is the right thing and you will feel better on the long run and gain the ability to grow. Then there is the option with sabotage, which is usually done by people who want to be able to better manipulate, dominate or harm you.
If you start feeling more hollow or hollow in general then it is absolutely crucial you take a look around and find out who could cause it. Often it is either a family member or the partner. That is a huge warning sign and you should try to take steps to secure your safety.
This is a method to make someone small and easier to manipulate and control and bend to their will. No one should make you feel hollow or like you are nothing. Your partner should support and help you grow.

Via missing people [5:08]
Then there is the case about missing people, that can be because they are out of our reach or because of the loss of them. The latter is part of the mourning process and we feel the gap they left in our lives. That is normal and should pass after a while.
With people we more or less lost contact with it is pretty similar to it fading away - at one point you have to accept it and let it go. But then there is also the case of the person never existing in the first place, because they are not who we thought someone is.
Usually the ones we hold most dear are affected by this and we try so desperately to make it work. But as long we hold this image of a person in our hearts, we will also have a hole, because an imagine can never fill the spot of a real person.
If you are worried that it would be too damaging to remove the person from your life, then I recommend seeking out and strengthen the bond to other people and reduce contact with harming one. This makes the task smaller and easier over time.
The truth will hurt, but also set you free.

Outro [6:34]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. 
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. 
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.