Ep134 - Why is it sometimes slow and sometimes fast? (Healing wave update)

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about how during the healing process we sometimes move slow - sometimes it even feels like standing still - and sometimes fast - at least compared to the other. I covered this before during the healing wave section.
But since then I realized there might be another way to better explain what I mean, what is happening and how to better ride the wave. This is the biggest part of your healing process - therefor I think it is important to revisit it for a different perspective.
So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:50]
As I mentioned before - the key for the fastest healing possible is to know when to move and when to stand still. I called it riding the healing wave and that you learn that with experience and getting a feeling for the situation.
But I didn’t give explanations or instructions beyond that - which I will try to do now and the main reason to revisit it. I have mentioned it before, but while we stand still, we are actually processing and it is not idle time.
But I did give the instructions in another section to follow the 5 stages of mourning - denial, anger, bargain, depression and acceptance - not necessarily in that order. I realized it is also a pretty good way to explain better the healing wave.
Especially with the 2 emotions of anger and depression - though the better word would be sadness, a very deep sadness. We talked last week about how important it is not to skip on the path but go through with it to truly fully recover.
So we first talk about anger and then about sadness.

Anger [2:05]
Now when we talk about anger, we are not talking about aggressive behavior. Anger is a state and usually is best dealt with dealing with the source. Strong anger often comes from deep pain. When we are hurt we instinctively lash out - a desperate defense measure.
And as always, you don’t need anyone else to deal with your trauma - so we won’t use it against anyone. We are instead using it to fight the source that causes the anger, because anger is first of all a great unleashing of energy. It helps to move mountains.
The original reason is clear - so we could survive whatever hurt us and live to see the other day. But if the anger controls us - then we risk loosing everything. So always be careful with anger and keep an eye on it and keep the leash short. Use it as an engine, not a guide.
The anger in context of your healing process is the energy to break down the trauma structures. It rattles against the cages and looks for a weakness and is usually successful sooner or later. But sometimes it is somewhere we don’t want to look or a part of something.
That is why when we feel the anger it is helpful to follow down the rabbit hole. Why are we angry. No seriously, why? Yes, there is injustice, but why does that make us angry? The why questions are here used again. Our brain wants to use the anger to fight the hurt.
That released energy can be the thing we need to admit what we never wanted to admit and accept what we never wanted to accept and face what we would never dare to face. So if you feel the anger being active - then it is time to move and make progress.

Sadness [4:10]
Once you found your target, it is time for sadness to finish the fight - which I know sounds kind of counter intuitive. But you are not fighting against someone else, but against the pain that happened in your past. And that only disappears with empathy.
Empathy for yourself. While sadness has rather the tendency to make us come to a stand still, that doesn’t mean we are idle. Far from it, as we often discussed, that are the times when our brain is most active and needs all the energy, so we are put on hold.
Sadness is us re shelving the books, packing the old toys away or the like. While anger crushes through what is affected, it is sadness that picks up the pieces, checks if there is anything it can preserve and prepares the ground for something new to be build upon.
And crying is so important! With crying we flush out all the things that poison us - at least the things we were able to get our hands on. It is important to let it all out. Let it wash over you and leave your body - somehow figuratively and literally. Not sure how.
Sadness is the time to slow down, be empathic with yourself and take time for yourself. Not to get lost in self pity, but to let go of the pain, mourn what you have lost or whatever the target turned out to be. And starting to rebuild on a more solid ground.
As long as you try to move forward - so long you will.

Outro [6:03]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. 
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. 
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.