Ep133 - Why am I feeling lost during the healing process?

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about feeling quite lost during the healing process and to be fair - it is quite a chaotic time. But the question is why and what can we do? Understanding is a huge part of it, which also helps to navigate it all.
So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:33]
When I think about this feeling of chaos and things not working as you try or intend, then the scene with Fury in the broken car comes immediately into my mind (link in the description). He is wounded and the car is damaged and people are trying to harm him.
He gives the car commands, which it replies with “x does not work” and in his frustration he asks “Well what is not damaged?” and the car responds “Air condition is fully functional”. And in my experience nothing describes navigating the healing process better.
I can not count how often this was me during the healing process. Because usually the thing you need the most to work, will be normal functioning last, but in the meantime my brain repaired a section or ability I didn’t really care about.
Like thank you, but that was one of the lowest priorities. Though of course there is a logic behind this chaos, but that doesn’t make the situation any less frustrating and confusing. It is easy to just feel lost, but with a bit of insight that might change.
We will first talk about the order of healing, then walking the path properly and then your change along the way.

The order of healing [2:00]
If you look at what heals when - it appears to be totally random - and to some extent it is, but the priorities definitely seems to be off. If you would make a list of which things you want to be restored or removed - it likely would be different.
Now to understand the order a bit better, we must keep in mind, that our brain loves to make connections and especially if it can’t put something away - it will connect it with everything. Ever had a crush or strong fan phase? Doesn’t matter band, topic, person etc.?
That no matter what you did your mind would always be drawn back to that? Which is usually generally harmless, but with trauma it poisons everything it touches. Meaning the more you interact with a topic - the more it is connected to the trauma.
Even if it had absolute 0 connection before that. That is the biggest reason why you really shouldn’t ignore PTSD - it spreads and affects more and more. And you might have already guessed it - this leads things you do often be more affected than others.
Basically the brain clears the more easily free able parts first and then moves on accordingly. It appears to be completely chaotic, because you don’t get any information, don’t know how strong what is affected and you have no control over whats happening.

Walking the path properly [3:45]
Sometimes we also feel lost because we apparently are being in absolute nowhere. That can be the issue when trying to shorten the path we walk - which I am still occasionally guilty of.
You know where you want to end up and then you try to force yourself through to that goal - instead of walking the path properly. I have no memory of this every working out. There are 2 main reasons for that.
First while you walk the path you gain experience, new insights, growth and the like, which is necessary to actually reach the goal and be who you want to end up being. It is tedious and takes a lot of time, but its worth it.
That is how change happens - one step at a time. Gradually you change - often not noticeable unless you have a way to look back. We talked about how to be self confident and it is the same thing basically. The path is the goal.
You achieve the goal along the way bit by bit.

Your change along the way [4:57]
Which sometimes leads to the second reason - your goal changes because of the changes you made along the way. Which is a weird thing to happen and you never think it will happen to you - until it does.
Like the almost cliche of getting your life together to try to win over your ex - only to realize, that you can do and deserve better. I am not sure how to say this kindly, but we affected, and especially those raised, by trauma don’t have often the best goals selected.
Depression is also a huge contributor for having unhealthy goals and a false perception of reality. And during the healing process and you walking that path - that will change. Now you can of course still go through with your old goals - if you want to.
But maybe it is time to see if your goals in life have changed and what you really want to do. Even after you are cured that is a wise thing to do. We are not objects, we change. That is what makes us living beings with each having our own life story.
That also applies of course for goals you think you can never achieve - if you start moving in that direction, maybe you will be able after all or at least be a lot closer to who you want to be.

Outro [6:29]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. 
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. 
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.