Ep126 - Should I commit suicide? - Part 3 - Conclusions + Sickness + Mourning

Intro [0:00]
Hello my dears! My name is Johanna, and I welcome you to the Johanna Draconis - The Deconstruction Of C-PTSD podcast.
In this episode we will talk about the question “Should I commit suicide” for the third time - this time we reached the conclusion. With all things considered, what should one do? The answer is very important and should be decided with care.
People hesitate to speak about it, like they fear to summon those thoughts if they speak about them. It is important to break the silence and taboo - to help those affected and to potential save lives and reduce suffering. Therefor it is an absolute crucial topic.
So let us talk about it.

Prelude [0:54]
We talked the last 2 times about how outside and inside influences can affect us and make us think that we want to commit suicide - despite us not really wanting to. Especially Depression can convince you that the opposite of reality is real.
In the first episode about this I pointed out the absolute crucial difference between “I want to end this life” and “I want to end my life”. Because they are many things that influence you to just wanting to end it.
If I want to check if I am suffering from these influences I listen to the song we dissolve in stars by immediate music (link in description) and if I can’t enjoy it - I know I am out of balance.
We start with sickness, then isolation, then mourning, then we get there when we get there and lastly conclusion.

Sickness [2:01]
I wanted to start with sickness, because it can be the most logical reason for committing suicide. Some of us are faced with the decision, how far we are willing to go despite the pain, limitation and the like.
At what point is a life still worth living? That depends strongly on the circumstances and the sickness - so everyone must make that decision for themselves. My recommendation is to have several set points. Some for revisiting, some to start looking and some to end it.
Though I would really wait out if you can - and want to. Medicine did insane jumps in the last years and will likely continue in the future. Keep an eye out - your fate is likely not set in stone. Especially if you have many years yet to live.

Isolation [3:05]
One of the biggest cause is isolation. We are social beings - despite many of us not enjoying company most of the time. Our group or clan is crucial for our survival - so we developed a lot of skills, characteristics and so on to strengthen our bonds.
Now back in the old days we had little choice in our clan - but nowadays things are different. I can not underline enough how important it is to have a social network or a group of friends or whatever you want to call it - that you feel you belong to.
People who cheer for your success, who console you during your hard times or at least give you space, who have your wellbeing at heart and who accept you for who you are. Not being scared to say some things or feeling like what you said doesn’t matter.
People not like that cause depression, low self worth and often suicidal thoughts. These thoughts are a desperate plea from your body to change your surrounding. It is absolutely important to talk with people and get help if you can.

Mourning [4:25]
Which leads me to mourning. Which will definitely get its own episode, but for now we focus on the suicide aspect of it. It is hard to not fall into this if a core aspect of your life is no longer in your life. Home is where the heart is.
But what if the heart is in the afterlife? What if all you love is now dead? Then it is not as much about wanting to kill yourself, but wanting to be with them. It is normal to feel this way and so important to seek contact with the living.
They would want your best - so please take your time to recover. There is no set schedule. If you feel like you struggle, grief counseling, therapy or the like can be a great help.

We get there when we get there [5:21]
Which leads me to one of the most important aspects of this topic - we get there when we get there. Imagining how things could go wrong or how they will play out is most of the time a futile thing.
Life almost always will go different th en expected. Especially if you are overwhelmed with everything it is absolute crucial to just take it day by day. Just see that you manage today. You worry about tomorrow - tomorrow.
This reduces your load and makes breathing and walking a bit more possible. It is always astonishing to me how far you can go if you just focus on taking the next step.

Conclusion [6:07]
Which leads me to the conclusion. In my experience these thoughts never come out of nowhere - they have their reasons. Addressing those reasons can lead to an unbelievable shift. Like I went from - everything is pointless, why do I even bother trying? to - it will be fine.
WITHIN. A. MINUTE. Once you saw this fall of the illusion - it changes everything forever. You might still be affected by it, but it is easier to go “wait.. I have seen this before” than being completely confused with what is happening.
In my experience it is really usually depression that is behind these thoughts - and the reason why the world suddenly changes. Often depression and suicidal thoughts are a desperate plea of your body to change something.
One should not listen to them, but not ignore them. That is just how they get worse. Sometimes you just really overloaded yourself - and kind of harming yourself.
Stepping back, reducing your load and integrating me time can do WONDERS to your mental health. Of course PTSD and survivor’s guilt can cause these thoughts too, but in these cases the culprit behind them is rather obvious. So focus on them instead.
Even taking charge can greatly reduce the urge and symptoms - the same does with getting a new perspective and goal. You might want to ask yourself, if you can kill yourself anytime - why not tomorrow? Or after you tried something?
That option never goes away, so why hurry? Another way to look at this is - you want to outlive your enemies don’t you? I’ve been in this place many times, I know how painful and dark it is, but to quote someone “it is not over yet - trust me”.

Outro [8:21]
That was it for todays episode, I hope you found it helpful. Hope you are safe and well. And as always, if you have any questions or feedback and the like, please let me know at contactme@johannadraconis.com. 
More information and transcript you can find as usually under johannadraconis.com/podcast/ and links are in the description. 
I hope to see you next time. Watch yourselves and have a wonderful time.