This Week's Top Stories | Europe Faces A Massive Heat Wave

than the dollar. Yeah, and with the economy struggling, European workers are now limited to only forty five weeks of vacation of year. And as if all of that wasn't enough, now Europe is dealing with a hot girl summer that nobody asked for. The triple digit temperatures that have sparked forest fires and drought conditions here in the States are also taking hold in Europe. This morning, people are being warned to take cover as deadly heat sweeps across Britain.

The National Weather Service issuing the first ever extreme heat warning, with forecast highs of a hundred and five today and tomorrow, hotter than the Sahara Desert and Delhi. The scorching heat is bearing down on all of Western Europe, fueling out of control wildfires. In southwest France, the planes dumped yet more water over wildfires that have burned an area bigger

than twenty thousand football fields. The hate is causing havoc London's Luton Airport and an r A F base in Oxfordshire both being forced to close because the runways were melting. Mommy sucker blur, bloody bull sweat the runways in Europe on melt? Did you hear that the runways on melting? You never want to land a plane and here go, what are you even doing that situation? What do you do if the runways melted? Where's the plane gonna land in?

The baby's out? That's right open her, baby, please baby, the plane in your baby. Ah. You know, this is one of those situations where you really appreciate how calm a pilot is, you know, because like even when a runaway's melting, I bet the pilot is just gonna be there, like ladies and gentlemen. Seems the airplane is melting as the ground. So how much does everyone get back to their seats? Hold on, now, it seems like a portal to the underworld is opened and we're slowly being sucked

by the devil himself. So I'm gonna go ahead and turn on the fast and sea bulls. It's a pack, relax and enjoy the flat. But yes, Europe is scorching hot right now, and it's so bad that there were photos going around today off people pouring water in the mouths of the gods at Buckingham Palace. Yeah. I mean, if if I had to make a suggestion, though, maybe the first thing I would do in a heat wave is lose the ten foot head covered entirely in fur, or at least filling with ice. It looks like it

would be a good cooler, you know. And remember remember you might be hearing those temperatures in America are going like a hundred degrees. That doesn't sound bad, but remember this heatwave is especially bad for Europe because Europeans are not prepared for this kind of heat. Yeah, they don't use air conditioners in most parts of Europe. They don't even put ice in their drinks, and they can get sunburnt from like a camera flash. Ha ha ha ha.

So how do I look? So once again, all over the world, we're experiencing record temperatures, wildfires and droughts, and I mean, I know it can't be climate change because Fox says that's not real, So it's probably pronouns it is pronounced. Those are pretty bad. Anyway, Let's move on

from Europe to another place that's feeling the heat. The White House, after being unable to accomplish anything like Joe Biden has campaigned on, the president's approval rating is now hovering somewhere between long COVID and Uvaldi police departments, and making matters worse for him is a run away inflation, right, especially when it comes to gas prices. The prices of gas are so high that these days driving is the entire dates. You know, It's just like he really spoiled

me last night. We we drove all the way from my house at the end of the block. He's so romantic. But here's the thing, there's a thing. Until gas prices improve, neither will will Joe Biden's approval racing right, which is why over the weekend he was in Saudi Arabia making nice with a front of me who just happens to own a lot of oil. It was the fist bump scene around the world. The President with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, the man the US holds responsible for

the murder of journalists Jamal Kashog. It's the image the Saudis had hoped for and the White House had hoped to avoid. Biden's doctors reportedly disallowed handshakes due to COVID, but conveniently also helped the President avoid a photo op of shaking the hand of the round press read the fist bump. Mr President Bomp about joker bag? Yeah, yeah, stop asking him about the fist bump. Asked him about the looming mercession. No, actually, just asked me about the

first bomb, the first bomber. America obsesses about these things. Don't don't look too friendly, don't do it. It's also funny how President Biden thought it would be better to fist bump mommed been someone because that seems less friendly than I hand shaken. That's the whitest decision of all time. No, because it's the opposite. Handshakes are the most formal way to meet someone, even your enemy. You can be like hello, but first bombs is always like what's up? What's up? Killer.

I see you, I see you man, I see you, Brad. You know what I really think happened. I think Joe Biden's team briefed him and they're like Mr President in Saudi Arabia, if you make them mad and you have ella, chop off your hands, so you want to hide your friends is get in quick, in and out, in and out, God speeding Mr President. You know what Biden should have done if he didn't want any controversy in this is he should have gone in for the handshake and then

given him the psych Just do that move. There's no comeback for that devastating. If he did that, NBS would have been like, oh, just take all the oil and go. Don't tell my friends, don't tell my friends. And Okay, if you're wondering why this the situation is so awkward, right, Oh who cares? He fist bumped him, he met him. Why is it so bad? It's because back during the presidential campaign, Biden was saying things like this because show

he was in fact murdered and dismembered. And I believe in the Order of the Crown Prince there's very little social redeeming value of the in the president government in Saudi Arabia. We were going to in fact make them pay the price and make them, in fact the pariah that they are. Awkward, Yeah, because how do you go from that? So flying across the world, who meet the guy in his palace? And Biden must have been a

little nervous. You know, you meet the guy and you said all these things about him, called him a murderer, call and now you're in his palace, he's gonna be walking in like, come on, you've you've watched Fox News, I just read the teller problems or man, I don't even know why. Most of the time that wasn't me. And unfortunately for President Biden, the bad news didn't stop

at his presidential pound. Yes, because when Biden got back to the US, he had to deal with another all powerful dictator, Joe Mansion, West Virginia Democrat and somehow the real presidents of the United States, because you see, Biden has spent the last two years trying to get Joe Mansion to vote for his Build Back Better bill, But Mansion has spent the last two years saying no, and he's been giving a variety of answers you know or I don't want to risk inflation. I don't want to

end off shore drilling. I'm a Gemini and mercuries in retrograde and now it's not a good time to make big decisions. So after a lot of back and forth, Mansion said, look, I'll do a much smaller bill that only has some health insurance expansion and the climate change stuff, and then like, you can raise taxes on corporations to

pay for it. So Democrats took out everything mentioned and want and came back last week with a bill that only has what he asked for, to which Joe Manson said more now from Capitol Hill, where Democrats are extremely upset with Senator Joe Mansion after he effectively torpedoed their hopes of acting on climate change. It comes after Mansion told Democratic leadership he is not willing to back major

climate and tax provisions in President Biden's agenda. Senator Bernie Sanders was especially upset over the weekend, suggesting Manson never negotiated in good faith in the first place. People like Mansion Cinema sent him up to a lesson degree, who are intentionally sabotaging the president's agenda. What the American people want? What a majority of us in the Democratic cauc is what nothing knew about this? Yep, Bernie's piste off. I haven't seen this piston someone trying to give him one

percent milk. I'll stand with the ninety nine percent fact, milk that's been excluded from the dear reel for far too long. No more with the one percent. And I get it. I get why Democrats are frustrated with Joe Mansion because he's on your team, he's wearing your jersey, but every time he gets the ball he dunks on you. But if your Mansion doesn't believe in these policies, the least he could do is just say so upfront, instead of wasting everybody's time and jerking the Democrats around for

a year pretending there's something they couldn't join amobile. You know this, You know this reminds me of this reminds me at the time. I tried to take a girl to the problem, right, and she was like, well, first you have to buy me flowers, then you have to rent a limo, then we have to go somewhere nice for dinner. And I did all of that, and then the night of the problem came and she was like, I don't think that, as your history teacher, is appropriate

for me to go to the problem with you. Why didn't you say that at the beginning, Mrs Jenkins, Because now broken, I don't have a date. Yea, why she's so big? She was a very interesting person, all right. Finally some news from the world of automobiles, transformers that never went through puberty. Every year, car companies compete to see who can offer the most exciting new options, you know, like voice activated controls, or augmented reality windshields, or trunks

that have got a lot more junk. Yeah, you're looking good, so then I see you. I see you. But the latest innovation isn't a new feature. No, it's a new way to pay for what you get. A new kind of subscription could be making its way to your bank statements. BMW says that it will start charging a monthly fee for heated seats. It costs about twelve dollars a month and would allow the car maker to activate the heating

coils already built into the seats. You can purchase the heated seats when you buy the car, but for those who didn't, you can at least temporarily try them out on a cold day with the subscription. They're also considering a subscription service for heated steering wheels. It's interesting BMW is gonna let people subscribe for certain features in the car,

like heated seats. Yeah, so instead of just buying it, you pay month to month, which I'll be honest, actually sounds great because I don't need heated seats in the summer, so why am I paying? Huh? They should do this very feature. The radio, the windshield wipers, yeah, the horn. I don't need the horn all the time. I want to subscribe to the horn if I get cut off this mother, Yo, give me three, give me three, loading up, give me three and light is adds up. But there's

a downside. You realize there's a downside to this, right. Car manufacturers are joining the subscription model, and we know how this goes. First you buy things, then they go now you subscribe, and then how does it end? It always ends with ads. Always, it's an amount of time before you buy a BMW and then you're gonna have to like listen to a Mattress ad every time you start the car. The killers coming to kill. Let's get

out of here. Are you looking for a new mattress that after app So look, car manufacturers, one subscription plans. That's fine, you know, pay for the parts of the car that you only want when you use them. I think that actually works, although you better be warned if you forget to renew the wrong subscriptions, that ship could end in tears. Oh oh, should I knew? I should have renewed the brake subscription? All right, you got me BMW one more month, one more month of brace? Please wait?

Wait seven for one months and then fifty for you? Is that cheap? Wre's that? That's seven seven times twelve, that equals it's gonna be. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm made it, I'm fine. Inflation surprise, it's the reason parents are also throwing tantrums and grocery stores right now for the pasto. So, the price of everything we buy has been skyrocketing, right because as companies face higher costs to make their products, they have to post those costs onto

the consumers. And I know what you're thinking right now, you like Trevor. Can't they keep their prices the same and make a slightly smaller profit? Come, You're adorable? Less profit? But it turns out some companies are not raising their prices, and it's not because the angels, is because they've found a much sneakier way to make the same profit as before, from the rising costs of inflation to the growing trend of shrink inflation. The next time you're shopping, checked closely.

This life cereal box recently got taller, but it lost two and a half ounces. That's almost a bowl and a half of cereal. Experts call it shrink flation. It's a very sneaky way to pass on a price increase. They know consumers will notice a direct price increase, but they won't notice if the product gets a little bit smaller. We found some products. You see this charm in here. If you look really really closely, you'll see the size of the roles went from three sheets to three hundred

sixty six sheets. You wouldn't know it. It says super mega on top. And here's my favorite gatorade. It kind of grew a waistline here. It used to be thirty two ounces now it's twenty eight ounces, but it is the same height. You can see it there. Yeah, she's right that gatorway, but is looking good? You're like damn

what you've been doing. Gatorade? You stop drinking gatorade. But yes, from soda to cereal and even toilet paper, companies are secretly shrinking the size of their products, but you pay the same. And you've probably noticed this right back in the day, you WoT a big bag of chips everyone eight. These days you open the bag and there's just one

chip holding the sides to make it look big. And the worst part about string place is that if you complain about it, you sound crazy, right if you're like, guys, I think these double stuffed are oreos are actually one point seven time stuff. People are just gonna be like, all right, buddy, why don't you put on this jacket and getting this white van. We got to we're gonna

find the rest of the oreos. The toilet paper one is probably the worst, Yeah, because I'm sure, like like me many of you, you know how many sheets are in the roll? Yeah, I do it automatically. When I'm sitting there, I will be like and then it's just like ah. In fact, you know what they should be a law. If companies are gonna shrink their products, they should at least have to tell us they're doing it because right now, right now, they're being slicked, acting like

drug dealers, cutting their products to stretch their supply. Now we're gonna try to catch them out. Wait a minute, this yogurt is mostly burg poop. You're trying to get killed. Training job, he's trying to get killed. But let's move on from America's current problem to America's internal problems gun violence. This week, Texas released its report on how the Uvalti Police Department handled the school shooting that happened there, and the report concluded that the cops, and I'm quoting here,

sucked ass. But the report added that even if the police response had been flawless, it wouldn't have saved most of the kids because someone on with an air fifteen style rifle can just do too much damage too fast. So the solution to try and stop the next shooting is obvious. And no, don't say it's banning the air fifteen s that's racist. The Constitution is very clear about who has rights in this country, and those corporations, guns, children,

then guns again that the national anthem. Then women, but only women who are holding a gun. That's pretty much it. But apparently, apparently if you're open minded. There are lots of ways to stop school shootings without getting rid of guns. In fact, check out what this one school district in Texas is getting up to here in North Texas, the Dallas Shist. He is trying something new to keep students safe. It is requiring clear or mesh backpacks for students in

sixth through twelveth grades. Students will be able to carry a small pouch inside the bag that isn't clear to hold cell phones, money, and hygiene products. Clear backpacks Are they effective in keeping weapons out of schools? Experts say crime does not necessarily go down because of them. Well intended but relatively ineffective. You can still hide a weapon inside of a clear backpack, inside of a book, to

cut out in a book, inside of clothing. This video shows how easy it is to hide weapons, regardless of having a clear backpack or not. God damn, how many guns did that guy having? These? Parents? Did you see that? Because like it's thoughts it out scary, and then at some point it was just like a magic trick. It was just like, oh, I'm just behind you here and everything, but for real, what are we doing here? People? I'm constantly amazed at how America is wanting to get rid

of everything, except everything will be considered. All right, let's get rid of normal backpacks. Everything is see through now. Also, you know what, no more clothes for these kids. Yeah, yeah, they could be hiding the guns anywhere. In fact, now that I think about it, just get rid of all the kids in school. That way the guns can finally go there and pace. I think we solved this. And you know who's really gonna be negatively affective by these

clear backpacks. It's all those jocks who are secretly smarts. Yeah, because now they're gonna be exposed. It's gonna be like, wait a minute, Chad, Like, are you carrying out Shakespeare in your backpack? No, dude, dude, it's just to cover my boaters. Man, I swear doest. They'll not believe it. Me am, clearly, those things are not gonna stop shootings. There's only one thing that's gonna stop shootings, and we all know what it is. Just cut to the chase

and arrest all the weird kids. Yeah. It's not fair and it's definitely not legal. It's not a good idea, but it is a good idea, all right, Finally, let's talk about the United States Secret Service, the people who wore one tiny air phone before air pads were cool. Recently, the Secret Service has been all over the news because the January six Committee wants to know what information they have about President Trump's actions on the day his fans

went tailgating in Nancy Pelosi's office. So the Committee told the Secret Service, give us all the text messages that you guys were sending that day, But the Secret Service said this. The Secret Service says it cannot recover the deleted text messages from January five and six of last year. The Washington Post is reporting the agency as no new text to provide the Congress, and that any other messages exchanged between agents around the time of the attack were purged.

The Secret Service claimed these messages were raised as part of the device replacement program, adding any insinuation that the Secret Service maliciously deleted text messages following a request is false. Those Secret Service texts are gone, gone, gone, gone, like really not ever to be recovered. Wow, this is so sad. The Secret Service lost all the texts from January six because they were doing a device replacement program. What a

perfect I mean terrible thing. Why Why do I feel like this is the same kind of device replacement program you do when your partner asked you to explain where you were the other night. Yeah, I was. I was due for upgrade because what what me and Keisha were up to? So I had to Apple called me and yeah. And you know what's interesting how they are saying, once you delete a text, there's no way to retrieve it.

Yet once they delete, the texas gone. Because best believe if any of us lost a text of Secret Service would find it. They would find the ship out of it. He'd be like, all right, I deleted it. They'd be like, give me that phone. They'd be like, ha, so this is what you were doing with keisha ship. And I know many people are angry, saying like, I can't believe the Secret Service isn't handing over these texts. But I don't know. Maybe because I'm South African, I just assumed

this would happen. Yeah, that's the Secret Service. That's their job right to keep secrets. If I could say, give you the text, you should fire them, snitch. The real question we should be asking is why are they even texting? Imagine this the capital was being overrun by a mob of Facebook comments come to life. People are trying to hang the Vice president and the Secret Services texting guys,

what is this thing for? Head very He said to me, all that ship was happening, and someone's using textures like, hey, guys, just wanted to warn you the vice president is in Asia. Uh sorry autocorrect, I meant danger. The Vice President is in danger. Send back. Never mind. The problem solved itself. And I know a lot of people think that this was a huge conspiration I do. You know, people say that this is proof that the Secret Service was in on the capital plot, but it could also be a

much simpler answer. You know, maybe they just don't want people to see the texts that they were sending about their boss. Yeah, I know, I wouldn't want that. Can you imagine being at the congressional hearing and Liz Cheney's like, so, Agent Johnson, what did you mean when you texted President poop emoji? Is baby crying emoji in car emoji? Like

I'd rather go to jail man. Big news coming out of Washington, d C. Now everyone is still shell shocked by the Supreme Court's recent decision to overturn Roe v. Wade right, And although this made conservatives happy because they finally made government small enough to fit inside a woman's vagina, everyone else was pretty furious. And people were just angry at the Supreme Court. No, they were pissed at Democrats

because they didn't qudify Roe v. Wade. And I don't know about you, but I haven't said to fire this much in my entire life. We just say it like it's normal quartified. Did they quartified? You didn't quartified? That should have caught it. Did you quartify your Starbucks order?

I did well. It turns out that same Supreme Court ruling that struck down Roe v. Wade it also opened the door to future rulings that could overturn other rights right things like the right to gay marriage, interracial marriage, and contraception, all of which are based on the rights of privacy, just like Roe v. Wade, which is why now Democrats are trying to learn their lesson and protect

those rights before Clarence Thomas gets to them. A historic moment on l g B t Q rights, the bill has passed nearly fifty House Republicans joined all Democrats to write same sex and interracial marriage into federal law. The vote comes and made growing concerns that a conservative Supreme Court couldn't nullify marriage equality. Still, one hundred and fifty seven Republicans voted against the Respect for Marriage Act. Democrats believe that the ever ment has no place between you

and the person you love. The House has officially possible legalizing gay and interracial marriage, which is a great victory for because because it, let's be honest, it's it's really strange to be diving back into this debate that we thought was resolved in all right. That's weird that they're like, we're doing it now. What what do you mean? Now? What's next? We're gonna start arguing about that dress again? Is that what we're doing? Because it's over, guys, it's over.

We decided a long time ago. It's blue and black, all right, And anyone who thinks it's white and gold is a Nazi. Yeah, I said, it's I'm gonna see those cutors. Nothing in there. Also, it's even weirder than fifty seven Republicans voted against this bill. You voted again, so you're on the record now against interracial marriage. Like, look, I know mixed couples have ruined your lives for the past few years. But I think it's time to let that go. I mean, I don't even know what the

argument is against gay marriage. What what's the arguments? You know? When it became legal and conservatives all said, oh, America is gonna fall apart when this happens, and yeah, it kind of did, but that's not because of gay marriage. So the bill posted in the House, okay, but there's a chance it might never even reach the Senate because, according to one top Democratic senator, the Senate has quote more priorities than we have time, and I never understand

what you don't have time? How long does it take? Should gay marriage be legal? Yes? Boom? Votes are done? Because that was like, what three seconds? Maybe I can do another one. Look how much time I have? Should interracial marriage be legal? Boom bam, Yes, there we go down. That's two votes. Let's go again. Should interracial marriage be mandatory? This one's a little bit harder, but I'm gonna say, yeah, let's do it. All the babies will be super cute. Done.

You see that? Three votes? We're in. We don't have the time. And speaking of Democrats having messed up priorities, you know how there are all these Republican candidates running for office right now who believed that the election was stolen from Trump by Italian space aliens hacking the voting machines. Well, some of those mega heads are starting to win their nominations, and you'll never guess who's helping them out another election.

Denier has just secured the Republican primary for governor in Maryland. Trump back candidate Dan Cox, known for stoking election fraud fears and actually encouraging former President Trump to sees voting machines, will face off against the Democratic nominee there in November. In an apparent effort to meddle with the Maryland race, the Democratic Governors Association paid for this ad touting Dan

Cox a pro Trump candidate. This isn't the first time the party has worked to choose its own opponent, and Maryland isn't the only state where Democrats have done it this year. They succeeded in boosting Trump aligned Doug Masscriano and Pencil and Darren Bailey in Illinois. They are attempting it in Arizona right now with Carrie Lake. They tried unsuccessfully to do it in Colorado by giving an assist

to two election deniers. Yeah, believe it or not, Democrats are actually helping these extreme candidates win the nomination because they're assuming that they're too crazy to win the general election. Yes, it's a plan that has never backfired in the history of America for the last five years. Yeah, I can't see how that could go wrong. I look, on the one hand, I get it, I get it right. It's the classic get some masks by standing next to the

ugliest person at the bars strategy. I understand that. But the strategy assumes that Democrats will run a competent campaign against these people. That's a big assumption. I don't know about you, guys. Don't trust the Democrats to run a race properly. There's the only people who try to shoot fish in a barrel, and somehow I end up with the fish shooting them. Neimov got the gun. I thought I had it, but Nemov got the gun. Not to mention,

the stakes are so high, think about if this thing backfires. Right, Democrats use their money to help crazy Republicans win. They're part of the race, and if it backfires, what happens? Because right now there's Democrats out there saying if this maniac gets into office, it'll spell the end of democracy as we know it. But on the other hand, running against him gives me a four point boost in the polls. So let's roll the dice. Maybe let's go Democrats forget

a lot of gonna pays attention to politics. Alright, but everyone is super informed about who the candidates are. You might be like, oh, there's crazy. Everyone'll see it. Know. A lot of people they just show up and they vote. They'll be like, Okay, yeah, Republican Democrat. That's what they vote on. Well, this is vote based on the name they like best. Yeah, I mean, how do you think Barack Obama got elected? A lot of people were like, Yo, this white dude's got a crazy ass name. I'm gonna

vote for him. Wait what All right? Finally, let's move on from the potential downfall of democracy to a more lighthearted story about Sesame Streets their racist or at least that's what they're being accused of after a video at the theme park went viral. Sesame Street a place of

inclusion and learning for generations of kids. But Sesame place the theme park based on characters from the iconic children's TV show is issuing an apology this morning after backlash from this video showing two young black girls seemingly snubbed by a performer dressed as Rosita at the Sesame Place

theme park near Philadelphia. Sesame Place initially released a statement saying that the costumes characters where sometimes make it difficult for them to see, adding the Rosita performer did not intentionally ignore the girls and it's devastated about the misunderstanding. But that statement wasn't good enough for many on social

media who expressed outrage. Now other parents are sharing their own videos that they say show similar instances of their children being treated rudely compared to others, all seeming to

show similar bias by characters at the park. As a result, Sessa me Place has issued a second statement saying that they are committed to making this right, adding they will conduct training for our employees so they better understand, recognize and deliver an inclusive, equitable, and entertaining experience for our guests. This is some bullshit. These little girls are getting snubbed by Rosita. She's not even a top ten muppet. Yeah, like if Elmo Big Bird snubs you can Yeah. I

get it. I get the big time. But Rosita I was like getting snubbed by Hawki. My man, you should be honored to take itself. He with me? You rubbing hood, asked mother, and he was, you're gonna get those kids and just dosn't decide though. I don't know if this is racism or not, but can we take a step back and appreciate how ironic the outrages because basically what people are saying is why won't this total stranger touch my kids? They touched the other kids, touch my kids.

Guy in a ferry suit that I don't know touch my child. You know what got me here is this Sessa me places explanation for this whole thing was was was weird because their excuse was that it wasn't racism. It's just that the costumes make it hard to see at lower levels. But that's where the kids are. Why would you design a costume for kids that can't see most kids? These guys are like, look, we're more than happy to give hogs to any children who are lebronze

height or taller. Okay, I mean if you can't see at lower levels, what happens with the employees in the box, like they must be so confused every day just going out there like, damn no kids again, it's just a bunch of adult weirdos all by themselves. What's going on here. There's also a disconnect between the things Sessa me Place is saying, because if this was just an innocent misunderstanding, then why are sessame Place is going to add bias training?

Because either it was a mistake or it was racism copy both. It feels like, now that's what companies do. They just go like, oh, we're gonna do bias training. That's that's that's what they say, just to get people off. They're back. Yeah, we're gonna do bias training. We're gonna read sometime housing codes. Again, we got this five because what are they teaching them in the bias training? What are the bias training? Hey? Um so um so you see the black kids? Yeah yeah, that's all you have

to do is see the black kids. President Biden has had a rough time recently. He couldn't get climate change action, he couldn't get free community college, he couldn't get tax hikes on the rich. But it turns out there's one thing he could get, and he began this hour with breaking news from the White House where President Joe Biden is an isolation after he tested positive for COVID, the White House Press secretary saying that the President is fully vaccinated,

He's been twice boosted. He's experiencing what they say are very mild symptoms at this point, so he will be isolating, but he will be able to continue in his role. He won't need to turn over any duties, it appears to the Vice president at this point. Hey, folks, guess you heard this morning night tested posits are code, but I've been double vaccinated, double boosted. Symptoms are mild and uh and I really appreciate your increa concerns, but I'm doing well and get a lot of work time. I'm

going to continue to get it done and uh. And in the meantime, thanks for your concern and keep the faith. It's going to be okay, okay, okay. First things first, I'm sure all of our thoughts are with President Biden for speedy recovery, get well soon. So you made it through the Spanish flute, you can make it through this. I know you can do it. And also, it does look like he's going to be fine. All right. He's even got like swag in that videos, like, hey, h

he probably heard I got COVID. But I get why he's got swag. You know, he's been vaxed, he's been boosted, he's been double boosted, and he's taking anti viral drugs and just to be safe, he's sipping some bleach on the side. You know. Yeah, that ship seems a little ridiculous. So you get COVID, then you're like, I'll try anything. Another reason the president is gonna be fine is because, let's be honest, there's not much that COVID can do

to him. Think about it. What's gonna happen. The virus is gonna get in his body and be like, let's see what I can do here. Time to get some brain fog, some fatigue, some dizzy Wait, wait, have I already been here? What's going on now? In the meantime, Biden says he will not be taking any sick days, which is what sucks about being president. Right, He's still gonna put on a strong face and you have the job.

You'll be milking that ship. You know, COVID red. I think I'm gonna be sick for the rest of the summer. If you see pictures of me by the pool, all my whole of my phone was hacked. All right, But let's move on from the big news out of Americans with the big news that's coming out of the United Kingdom. The Queen has COVID. No, I'm joking. I'm joking. That would be crazy though, right, that would be crazy. No, I'm joking. She doesn't have COVID. She's been dead for years. Anyway.

Back in twenty Prime Minister Boris Johnson and his Conservative Party they won a landslide election victory. It was huge. They won everywhere in Southern England and Manchester and Sherlock upon Watson and East Narnia, all the places basically between Boris and ed Shere in twenty nine was a good year, especially for British people who looked like they from the

year thirteen twenty six. There was a good time. And it was such a commanding victory that people thought Boris Johnson might become the Prime Minister who was up there for a decade, you know, which would be amazing for Britain's first human broom. But then Boris started getting caught up in scandals, right he botched the COVID response, then he got caught throwing a bunch of parties while the rest of Britain had to be in lockdown. And then

he hired people who he knew alleged sex offenders. And of course there was that time when he showed up to Parliament wearing a T shirt that said the carpet matches the drapes, which was totally inappropriate because it does he calls the carpets. So finally, last month he was Foster to resign in disgrace, and yesterday he gave the greatest farewell speech of all time, Boris Johnson, facing Parliament

for one last time as British Prime Minister. As only he would, Johnson defended his record in his farewell remarks. He also gave some words of advice to his successor. Number one, stay close to the Americans, stick up for the Ukrainians, stick up for freedom and democracy everywhere, car tatis and deregulate wherever you can to make this the

greatest place to live and invest, which it is. Focus on the road ahead, Focus on the road ahead, but always remember to check the rear view mirror and remember remember a bubble, it's not Twitter that counts. It's the people that sent us here, and Mrs Speaker, I want to thank everybody here and Hasta la vista baby, thank you, Hasta la vista baby. This is the land of Shakespeare and Jane Austen. And the quote Boris chose was from the Terminator. I mean, I guess that shows you the

power of American culture. Even the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom is like farewell and god speed. It's a ridiculous thing. Ever, And I don't know if you sort like the speech was weird, the whole thing in the middle. It looked like you just started giving random advice about driving. Focus on the road ahead, always check the rear view mirror. I remember, it's not a hits and run if you

drive away slowly. You know. It's also like normally when you're giving a speech, especially about resigning or being fired, like surely you want to make people regret it, but when you give the speech, you want people to go like, oh man, we made the choice. They leave it. Like remember with Obama, right when he gave his farewell speech, even racists in America were like, maybe he was one of the good ones. But this guy, this guy gives this speech like, Yo, how did he get the job?

How did he want a contest or something? Who are responsive? Anyway, Let's let's move on to some news about America's most powerful institution, Amazon, And I know, I know from the get go people have mixed feelings about Amazon. Oh they exploit their workers, Oh they ruined local economies. Quit bitching. I love them. You know why If I need more Shaman, I get it on Amazon and boom, It's at my house in six hours. And yeah, maybe it's not exactly Shaman.

Maybe it's like a Chinese knock off. And maybe the toilet papers mostly made out of lead. But am I gonna get brain poisoning from wiping with lead? No? And I certainly am not gonna get brain poisoning from wiping with lead anyway. The fact is Amazon is a parts of life in America, and I'm not going to get brain poisoning from wiping with legs. And now Amazon is

going to be expanding even more. We have breaking news out of Seattle this morning, home to Amazon, the company announcing it is diving further into the healthcare industry with plans to buy healthcare provider One Medical for about three point nine billion dollars. Amazon says healthcare is high on its list of things that needs reinventing. Yeah, finally a win for Jeff Bezos. Man, I could not be more excited. Yeah, because with Amazon's prediction algorithm, healthcare will never be the same.

You know. You notice how they always know what you want, what you need before you even know it's imagine them with healthcare. You're gonna buy a pack of double Bay double A batteries, and then just before you check out, they'll be like, you might also need chemotherapy. Maybe chemotherapy.

I don't have a ship. I shouldn't have used that lead toilet paper, So I know, I know some people are a little uncomfortable with the idea of Amazon getting into every industry, you know, because they're buying medicine now, they run the cloud, they own TV studios, they have grocery stores, and you know what, so what what's the words that could happen? Huh? Well? What what? At some point Jeff Bezos owns everything? So what? And then he

has all our money? So now where his slaves working crazy hours in the warehouse, you know, peeing in bottles? That doesn't sound so bad. Yeah, at least don't know where my packages are. Check it for myself. The one thing that does suck about this is if Amazon also owns your medicine. You realize that means Alexa knows your medical secrets. You gotta watch out for that because you're gonna be hanging out at home with your friends and all of a sudden, Alexa will be like, your hemorrhoid

cream is arriving this afternoon. No, Alexa, cancel, Cancel, cancel. You would like me to cancel your giant top of hemorrhoid cream? No, no, no, canco before we go? Please a sort of supporting Keen. This is an organization providing free fitness and recreation programs for youth with disabilities. So if you want to help them offer equal opportunities for recreation, fitness, and friendship, then please donate at the link below. What's the Daily Show weeknights at eleven tent Central on Comedy

Central and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast