You're listening to Comedy Central September sixty, two thousand and.
Eight from Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New York.
This is the Daily Show with John Stewards.
Really a comment, thank you very much, Thank you please sit working with Dally show we're co start.
Thank you, amazing fan, fabulous program.
Pretty much.
I really can I say this. I really am surprised you still have the strength. Quite frankly.
We've had the people in the audience for going some time. It's like the Shackleton Expedition here tonight.
They're not an audience. They are diverse. One part comedy, weever settle down.
Tonight' show one part comedy, one partners, two parts magic.
Ricky Gervais is gonna be our guest.
Is I'm assuming he is backstage as we speak asleep. Well, obviously, yesterday we pretty much covered everything there was the cover. The only thing I asked we didn't talk about is we'll get that Miley Cyrus here.
He's got a new boyfriend. He's hunky. Apparently she broke up with this guy.
Uh, but I hope with this new guy she takes it slow, makes a choice that reflects her small town values.
Remember, Miley, you're sixteen year young.
We've got a whole year ahead of you before you should get knocked up and married. So that's our show. Good night, everybody, unless is there any other issue.
I'm forgetting what is.
The Obviously one of the biggest stories of the day is what's happening in our final.
Markets financial markets?
Right yesterday, the down industrial fell five hundred points following the largest bankruptcy in American history. Lehman Brothers collapsed after one hundred and fifty eight years after leaving the business in the hands of the youngest.
Lehman brother, Bongo.
Meanwhile, fellow financial giant Merrill Lynch was saved from the scrap heap with the Bank of American buy out, making Merrill Lynch's famous mascot so sad she is now refusing to comb his genitals.
Jesus Christ, dude, can't you corn row that bank? Both looks like Troy Palamolah with the Steelers. But don't worry.
Lehman's commercial real estate is insured by the massive American International Group, better known as notorious AIG, which today what's that nearly collapsed?
Why?
Because AIG actually sought to solve their financial problems seriously by lending money to themselves.
Try that sometime. Oh you know, I'm down to my last dollar.
Well excuse me, I think I can help you. Oh why, thank you. I truly appreciate that you've doubled my money. But come on, seriously, how bad can it really be?
They're concerned about the adjustments that are taking place in our financial markets.
Oh it's adjustments. That sounds incredibly minor.
I wonder if anyone else has framed the issue differently.
There was blood on the floor at the end of trading on Wall Street. Today, a financial sunam is one of the ugliest days I have ever seen. Nightmare on Wall Street.
The atomic bomb almost army get him a nine on the Richter scale.
Something of a financial hurricane hitting the United States today.
So there you go, two different opinions.
And apocalypse and adjustments, the state of the American economy lying somewhere between the four horsemen riding steeds and wielding blades of fury over charthellscape, and something you get at your chiropractor. That's your range, America, go confidently and plan your financial future. I'd like to hear from an expert let's go to the Secretary of the Treasury. Appears to be mister munster.
Terry Paulson has graciously given us some of his time today. He doesn't have an endless supply of it, so please keep that in mind.
Oh my god, we're running out of time too. We've got no money and no time.
What about air? All right, here it come. He's a very busy man. No time for small talk. Let's get right to it.
Seriously.
Good and everyone, and I hope you all had an enjoyable weekend.
Ah h you're bad at what you do.
Yes, I hope my little joke distracted you from the fact that you've lost everything. Hey, here's an economic indicator. This economy is so bad that the first thing the Treasury Secretary does is protect his own job.
The President has been a great boss as we work through here. He's been focused on the right thing.
I strongly support his economic policies.
Please don't send me back to the private sector. Those people sleep in their courts.
Senior financial analyst Asif Monvey has been monitoring the situation on Wall Street all day. He joins us now a sip. Thanks for joining us, every job. Thank you, as we're where's your hair?
Ossif hair.
On a financial analyst?
Come on, John, I was just downtown taping an episode of my new financial show, The Bald Guy and the Hot Chick Talk Money.
Is that a Is that on this network? It's not on any network. But don't tell the hot Chick that? All right?
AESI, But as if we've seen banks failing, we've seen others merging under duress.
How bad is it down there? Well, it's changing quickly. Obviously.
Yesterday this was Merrill Lynch, Today it's Bank of America Merrill Lynch.
A fluid situation, but people should remain calm.
This is normal, Ossif? How is this normal?
Shoddy lending practice is taking down three fists of the nation's story banking institutions.
Well, an uptick and financial kit, Yeah, an upticking financial chaos and disaster can always be.
Expected in this political season.
These bankers follow American elections very closely, and I'm sure that this is their attempt to influence our democracy.
I think if there's been another merger that happened as you were, Yeah, no, it appears that way, so ausif who are the bankers trying to throw the election to Democrats? What but the Democrats. The Democrats are for more regulation.
Hey, hey, I didn't say these guys were smart. Have you seen the loans they've been given out around here? Nehow our new neighbors.
Things seem to be moving very quickly down there as different buyers step in.
Yes, yes it does.
No huh, it seems some buyers have moved in to take advantage of the distressed asset pricing.
Uh, I am one of you.
Do not fear me.
Thank you, Austin vast if MANVI. Everybody, good luck down it will be got back.
Welcome, Thank you so much. Now, while the crisis on thank you kindly.
While the crisis on Wall Street will ultimately affect millions of Americans, yesterday the crisis affected four Americans in a deeply personal way.
The American economy is in a crisis, the.
Most serious financial crisis that we've seen in generation.
The crisis that you've been facing on Main Street is now hitting Wall Street.
Let me tell you something that's going on today in our world, particularly here in our nation, that needs some shaking up and some fixing.
Did she win a contest? What is it? A calling? We got to do some shaking I see what's happening here.
It's an economic crisis, complicated issue. The solution is needed are probably unpopular, undoubtedly confusing. Perhaps it's time for a good old fashioned candidates generic off, generic.
Off, brought to you by soap and food. Food, it's what's for eating.
The players flipped a coin to see who go first, but the coin was repossessed.
What the heck?
Let's hear from the junior senator from Illinois. We're going to get the economy back on track and our financial institutions back on track.
Well in sir, forceful, sounding totally empty, like a hallopinnata.
Republicans. Your response, We've got to fix it.
We've got to fix it, and we will.
We must fix it.
We must use some tortive tool, an economic fixing tool that was.
Made in America.
Mccaina, Wait, Joe Biden, you're in Michigan talking to auto workers.
Give me a generic I'm a UAW guy.
I never belong to you, but I'm a United States Senator because of the UAW.
This is not a panda off. This is a generic off. Come on, man, take another swing.
I count John McCain as a personal friend. I don't doubt that John cares. He just doesn't think. He doesn't think that we have any responsibility to help people or hurting.
Is this not a passive aggressive off? Is a generica?
John McKain is a good man. He's just a horrible human being. He's a brave he's a brave soldier, but a stupid idiot.
He kills babies. I love them. He's terrible.
This is a huge opening for the Republicans. Biden has advocated the generic off. Let's hear from could possibly be President Palin.
This crisis happened for several reasons.
Whoa, whoa, there is a generic off reasons. That's dangerous territory. Tread carefully. I hope there are generic reasons.
Several reasons which have to be addressed right now.
You've given us a what and a when. Don't give us a how.
Guys and gals, Our regulatory system is outdated and it needs a complete overhaul.
Oh, guys and gals, dudes and dames, don't pay any attention to what she said.
Do not heed her call. She is not actually suggesting.
The government be responsible for regulating in the financial markets in any way.
Brohemes and Betty's our economy will.
Grow and we will get government out of the way of private sector progress.
Great save, she only got specific enough to completely contradict herself.
We need more regulation.
We need more regulations so that we can get government out of the economy and then normal people's brains can explode. All right, Johnny mccainey, she set him up, mow him down.
Still, The fundamental sharro of our economy are strong.
No, that is generic, but is also wrong.
She wasn't talking about crisis. You know what's gonna happen now, Oh, in a few hours.
Fundamentals of our economy are strong. The fundamental sharro of our economy are strong, strong, and wrong.
Don't you know?
The internet moves quickly now, so it looks like curtains for Senator McCain but asn't any generic off. You get one last chance to go into the retraction chamber, where you can either take back what you said about the fundamentals of our economy or fundamentally try to change the meaning of the word fundamental.
I was talking about the fundamentals of America, which is the workers, their productivity, their innovation, their incredible performance for many, many years.
Sure you are, ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.
That was John McCain speaking from his new Circular Talk Express.
Whatever those you.
Really have done like it is John mccainy.
Apparently John McCain is the only pow who was brainwashed after his captivity.
We'll be right back. Welcome Mark my guest tonight, one of our favorites, a.
Very funny actor comedian an HBO special coming up in November.
His latest film is called ghost Town.
When he's welcome back to the shot, ricking your days crowd one dessert, Thank you very much.
Can I tell you something? And I don't and I'm not. Obviously you're not normal.
You look and I'm trying to come up with the right word because obviously you're a British sophistic kid.
You look. If I may smart, is that you? Well?
Last time I was on, you had a sue and you said it also hides your paunch, so I thought I'll put a sue on and you know, look unlike that scruffy bull at the beginning.
Did you see the dreadlocks on that ball are coned?
So there.
I'd show you, but I'm.
If I may go on, No, No, you're not iss. You out I'll tell you what I do. I have mine has a bald spot, so I do a call over.
Oh that's good, and you can never tell until I get out of the shower and then.
But you do you put you put it to and welcome to talk.
Yeah, you just you just pitched yourself a new Comedy Central franchise, and my friend, they're gonna love that.
Now, how are how are you doing here? Here's what I like about you.
You're always a bright man, always almost a renaissance man of sorts.
I find a man of a wealth of.
I'm not proving it at the moment, as you're you.
Know, but but in your brain I find that you have. You're You're a fact man.
If I may, I'd love, Yes, I do. I think that's because I'm a man, though. I think that's good. Don't have to be clever. Men love facts. I think that's don't you think male? They love this retention of pointless trivia and like women.
That I'm a pointless I just assumed it was things you pick up, but you don't think women not.
I do it my stand up as well. I just sometimes just read, you know, I love it.
On the internet. You can go to these places. They just got websites for facts. There's no why like Wikipedia. But you people can anyone can go on. You can't do it in the library. You can't do an incitelopedia. Just get it down and start changing it in a library. So some of them are furious, but I I'm One of my favorite facts is you can lead a cow upstairs but not down.
And that's true.
I checked out because their joints don't oppose. But the first thing I thought, I was the poor I was the poor man who found that out the hard way.
Just come on, Daisy, down you go. I can't go downstairs. My job.
I don't care about your joints. My wife's gonna be having five minutes get down the stairs.
But it's true. It's a but it's a true.
But I can't believe the cow was not in more of a hurry.
Then well exactly, Well, actually that's not a point this fact you might I know now never to Yes, yeah, I think that's right.
Yeah.
My guess is though, if you really had to get a cow downstairs, you could do it.
You could. I mean, I think I think you I could coax it some way.
You could. You could push the cat. It's not like the cow could die.
Could show it my lovely comb.
Give me another fact, give me something more like bats.
Or his exit a cave to the left. True, it's true.
Well, when you are animal, there's two million of you living in a hole, you've got to have a system otherwise it's chaos. So they go right, we're going out together. Whoa, what do you mean we're going to go all go left?
Fine? And it works?
Is that really?
That's really a real fact.
We should try that in the subway. I would like to see that in the subway.
Everybody to the left, even if it's not the way you want to go. There'd be less bumping in.
That's exactly right.
There are a thousand types of that, a thousand types of bats.
And all go to the left. No one bat, there's no one type of this is the right going back?
Are you idiot? It would be thousands?
Very tis Do they live together or separate?
They're yeah, yeah, But I think it's nitpicking. You don't need that many types of bat. I think I think a lot of them are very close. I think that re search sort of scientists get paid by the species, so they go another one well, that's just that's just a fat pipistrolle.
No, you need scientists are working strictly on a volume. I think basis that they're they're getting money. Are all of your facts coming from when you're high late at night watching National Geographic?
Do you have any facts that are based in daylight?
I do watch a lot.
Now I'm trying to rejucout myself, so I do watch a lot of History Channel, Discovery Channel, History Channel, Discovery Channel.
Ask me anything about sharks and Nazis?
No, no, I do direction. Do Nazis move when they walk out of.
The polar Bears are left handed? That's true, it's true and just.
But why would that matter? Polar bears they don't play tennis, they don't write.
No, they don't write a polar bear.
What does you do that would require handedness?
Left? Left hand?
The people don't live as long, So maybe all polar bears don't live as long as if they would if you show them how to use their right hand.
And right This is none of that. A polar bear will cover.
Its black nose to camouflage itself more completely during a hunt.
Think of that. So it's creeping up on a little articare, and the artcare looks around, and the polar bear goes, it's true. It's not a fact, that's an opinion.
It's an avilion. You check it out. They might not be hiding, they may be allergic. You don't know.
Starfish have no brains. I don't know if that's literally.
Or ghost Town will be in theaters on Friday. Go see it. And when when you leave the theater to the left, everyone in the laft light and eleven you're a.
Momentosan tonight, the first Dude of Alaska goes on the record.
Yes, we are talking about Governor Sarah Palin's husband.
First dude or mister first dude? Do you know the first dude? Even mister first dude sounds a little funny. I means you're gonna be like second dude, or I mean, have you thought about that at all.
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on Comedy Central and stream full.
Episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus.
This has been a Comedy Central podcast show