You're listening to Comedy Central. Wow from New York City, the only city in America. It's the show, the intended News. It's the daily show with your host. What's in minhuhs God, I'm your host talking man hus nice to do? Yes, s away listen. It's night three for me behind the desk, and I gotta say it's been so great this week catching up with old friends and also Ronnie Chain. But we've got a great show for you tonight. So let's get into headlines. Let's start off with McDonald's, the only
thing that's invaded more countries than America. Some McDonald's franchise's are pushing back against a new corporate ad campaign called Famous Orders, which less famous people like Cardi B create new menu items. Some restaurant owners worry the Cardi B promotion is not compatible with McDonald's decades long history as a family friendly restaurant. One franchise in San Jose who's participating said, you know the fact that we can't talk about the song that we're objecting to because we can't
use the title says something. Oh, hold on, do these guys have a problem with wop because you know, every burger comes with wet ass pickles. This is a normal thing. Don't take the moral high ground. Not to mention Mickey Dee's one of your mascots is a burglar and the other one is a purple butt plug. You're worried about CARDIV All right, let's move on to our big story tonight, the train derailment in East Palestine. Yeah, sad, very sad.
But today a bipartisan group of senators introduced safety legislation to you know, actually try to solve the problem, which is so refreshing because for the past three weeks, all we've heard is pundits and politicians playing the blame game. But where's President Biden? Instead of going to Ohio. President Biden is heading home to Delaware to relax after his big Ukraine trip. We're here because of all of the deregulation of the train industry during the Trump administration. Joe
Biden will probably never visit. You know, he doesn't seem to care what's happening in Ohio. Pete Budhajedge is a disgrace. It was him, it was Donald Trump, but his administration. I think the people on us Palostine, Ohio should put Ukraine flags from their yard, and maybe Biden would pay attentions. Okay, all of you shut up. Wait, this feels like watching your parents fight in the kitchen, and they're both being
idiots for different reasons. Listen, Republicans, listen to me. You guys love deregulation, but suddenly you now care about rail safety. Little ironic. Also, you really think Joe Biden taking a tragedy selfie would make the situation any better? Democrats, listen to me. As of now, March first, there's zero indication that Trump's policies caused this whole derailment, so you cannot touchdown dance. But also, what the fuck are you guys doing?
How do you fumble the optics game every time? Why didn't you send Joe Biden to take a tragedy selfie? Even a moron like Donald Trump managed to do it. Trump pulled up to McDonald's and started handing out hats and happy meals. Democrats, you waited three weeks and you sent Pete Buddha Jedge dressed like Bob the Builder. He's the twelfth command on your depth chart. Send Kamala. What the is Kamala doing? We want to see her just for a proof of life, Kamala, take an Instagram reel
of you feeding an appellachian kid. Okay, easy, Now here's the real issue. Nobody should be trying to win a train derailment. Okay, we had about five seconds of empathy before this whole thing turned into another partisan prize fight. It's almost like everyone in politics and the media said, hey, how will people have empathy if we don't tell them who to blame. You know, you don't always have to find a villain because the truth is much like me, it's not always black and white. For more on the
partisan fallout from train derailment, let's turn to it. Don't say so, don't say Listen, we're saying you're flow. They love you. Yeah, but don't you think the whole blame game is just terrible? Actually, I don't think it's going far enough. There's a lot more blame to go around. People are blaming Democrats and Republicans, but we're not blaming the real villain. You're so right, it's our own inability to empathize, dumb. We're gonna blame these trains. What's Thomas
and the rest of the mothers? Listen, I try and a just a bus that goes less places, and I don't even look good. It's just a bunch of little cars slip at each other's butts. That is a horrifying image. Absolutely. But you can't just blame trains as a whole, Yes I can. I also blame the inventor, British engineer George Stevenson. You think you can get away with this, inventing the locomotive in eighteen oh four, No, sir, okay, we are digging your ass up and kicking it all over the cemetery.
All right, revenge vi higo going on? Don't say you are reaching here to find anyone to blame you get it awfully defensive? Has maybe you had something to do with this? Where were you in the derailment happened, mister Larf I was doing comedy, doing comed You was somewhere making people laugh with the hig highs and the joke jokes. H Can you believe this man? He was making jokes at a time of national tragedy. I dare you? Is
that why you came here? How the shot? Listen? I want everybody to acknowledge this brown man, Oh my god, this Muslim man Muslim, it's responsible for I drained jumping out of the tracks like no one, Yeah, get good everyone, I said, come on, what stopping did you DM? Ronnie stopping? You're doing You're doing this right now. You're getting everybody worked up. This is how the whole thing works. Yes,
the media machine. You're smelling blood and you're getting them to bolts on me boom, Yeah, why are you doing this? Because Blayman feels great. It's the best way to solve any problem. See, when you blame someone, you don't have to take any action. There's no need to reflect. You simply ask the question who's responsible? Who's fuss And it doesn't matter who it is, because the important thing is it ain't me. So hassen't apologize. Don't you want Hassin
to apologize? I apologize that. That's good. People, the American people about derailing a train in Ohio. Okay, America, I'm sorry for being responsible for the train derailment in East Palestine. I don't know. It felt forced. And that's the problem because you you need to take responsibility. Okay, you know what, Thank you so much. Don't say fine, I take responsible? All right, Well we come back. I'm gonna finally solve my Twitter addictions. So don't go away. Welcome back to
the Daily Show. Um, tonight, I want to share something that's on my mind. Um, let me ask you guys a question. Who hears on Twitter? Okay, I that's too many people. The guy, the guy, the guy who said, no, that's a that's a normal person, right there. I trust you now. By now you probably know Elon Musk recently bought Twitter for forty four billion dollars. Yeah, and since Elon's takeover, all I see on Twitter is Twitter sucks.
We should leave Twitter. Elon ruined Twitter. But here's the thing, guys, Elon didn't make Twitter terrible. Twitter has been terrible for years because of us. Nah, you can't dunk on Elon. It's us. Twitter is the shittiest platform on planet Earth. It's worse than Tender, and Tender gives you genital herpies. Okay, but as bad as it gets, no one ever leaves. Oh but I can't leave Twitter. It's the digital town square. No, it's not. Twitter is not a town square. It's Time Square.
Have you been a Times Square? It's terrifying. You got the eminem store Mexican Elmo, a guy masturbating ads for DraftKings dot Com. I'm like, can someone just stab me in the eye and take me out of this? Hell? Oh, but husn't we have to be a part of the discourse. This is a place for discourse. Fine, let's talk about the discourse. Has Twitter ever changed anyone's mind on anything? It's someone like, you know, I used to think canceling student debt was a bad idea, but it links. It
makes a lot more sense with handclap emojis. Oh oh, you think we're gonna convince Florida's government to stop banning books with a thread? Here's an They've already made it pretty clear they're not big on reading. But husson, husson, No, No, I can't leave Twitter. Everybody's on Twitter. No, they're not. Only a small minority of dorks even use Twitter. Yeah, by the way, by the way, and only ten percent of those dorks create eighty percent of the content. It's
a minority of a minority. There are more country music stars named Luke than people who tweet. It just feels like everyone's on it because the news media is on it. So journalists see three people tweet about something and they're like, everybody's talking about this. Who the is everybody? Ball Sacks seventy nine is everybody? But they go quote tweet, quote tweet quote of this. But this was nothing. This was
not discourse. This was three people. Okay. Now, now to the people that gave it up that were like, I use Twitter, I will give you this. I'll give you this. Twitter has been helpful for boosting the mew too movement and spotlighting police brutality, but it has to be used in dire circumstances. That should be the capture for Twitter. When you log in, it shouldn't ask you to pick
three stoplights. It should ask you, are you reporting a natural disaster, an authoritarian government, whistle blowing, harassment by the police, or are you defending Beyonce? Then and only then should you get to tweet? Outside of that? What the is the upside of anyone tweeting? Why should I tweet? Why should you tweet? Think of the process. You share your opinion, you argue with people, and then potentially lose your job. That's if you're a civilian or a celebrity. It's a
platform with no dialogue, no grace, no forgiveness. It's all isis beheadings and clout. And the only thing worse than Twitter's features are its users, not the lurkers. Lurkers were normal. I'm talking about the power users flooding your timeline. The amount the psychos tweet is on another level. George Takai has tweeted one hundred and three thousand times since he joined. That comes out to twenty three tweets a day. George, you can have opinions, but I shouldn't be able to
set my watch to them. Dude. Mike Zernovic has tweeted two hundred thousand times. That's forty eight tweets a day. How do you have that many opinions. I'm a guy and I only have two opinions. I love the Sacramento Kings and real Talk. Chipotle has kind of fallen off. That's it. Wajahad Alive. He's a friend of mine and a writer for The New York Times. Brag Watch has tweeted one hundred and eighty five thousand, two hundred times. Watch, I have a message from your family. We miss you, dad.
Look up. I don't care what side of the aisle you're on. Put the crack pipe down in leave Twitter like you said you would. What happened to the mass exodus when Elon took over? I thought all you guys were going to Twitter Canada Mastadon. Find me a mastadon. You can catch me on Mastodon, you cowards. And for the people who still think it has value, you're wrong. You know this deep down, you feel it here. You bitch about Elon all the time, but you won't quit.
You don't even have the willpower to live up to your own values. You don't give up about your values. You don't give up. You care more about your brand than progress. You don't want to write on Twitter. You want to write on succession, but you're not talented enough to write for succession, and neither am I. I want out of the media grip. Do you understand? I want my mind back. I hate this place. Hi hate Twitter? Hi wan out, hi wan out? Give me my mind back.
Don't dream my mom from's tweets? Please? Hell? What am I doing? What am I doing? My daughter's here? What am I doing? Oh my god? I'm the living embodiment of Twitter. I'm judging other people without changing anything about myself. Let me channel the fake Gandhi quote. I saw on Twitter. Maybe I need to be the change I wish to see in the world. Yes, I'm leaving Twitter. I'm leaving Twitter. I'm leaving this hellscape right now. Let's do this right now.
You think I'm I'm doing this. This is real. This is real, and just like everybody on Twitter, I'm making a long and the way announcement about it right here. You got that, Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, let's get that out of here. Deactivate, Yes, deactivate. Goodbye. I'm God, him, God him, I'm I I'm three. So what do I do now? I guess I can actually go to the town square and meet people in real life, hang out with my wife, kiss my children, you know, touch grass.
It's a big world out there, and I want to live in it. We had a fun ride trolls and bad faith actors. Oh and by the way, if you hate this on Twitter, I could give it because I'm not there, join me in the real world. And hey, in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening, and good night. Well that's it for our show tonight.
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