Tape 5: Side A [Episode 9]

Mike has been forced to live in a shadow world where he has no friends , no family , no name . He needs our help . Please help us get the word out . Join us as we bring you episode nine of the Crossing Guard tapes .

I kept thinking to myself what a strange place this was and how the fuck did I end up here ? I quickly showered and dressed . I was so hungry that all I wanted to do was find out where I could get some food . I didn't care how stupid I looked , even though I did look a little sharp . I bet chicks would go for this . Uniforms always get them horny .

When I found my barracks commander , he was at his desk in an office across the hall from the showers . His desk plaque said that his name was Corporal Messerschmitt and he looked like a total hard ass . He had one of those flat top haircuts that hard asses always have , and he looked like he was already pissed off even before I said a single word .

Better keep my head screwed on around this one . His uniform was just like mine , except with a few more stripes . On his shoulders the Corporal had a stack of paperwork on his desk and was busy typing One finger at a time on his computer while muttering under his breath . When I walked in he looked up for a second , then went back to his typing .

I waited a few seconds and then clicked my boots together and saluted him saying Guard of the Realm , limbo , first class reporting for duty . That got his attention . He stopped typing and looked up at me .

The whole time staring into my eyes and breathing his stinking coffee breath in my face , he started barking shit at me like one of those drill sergeants you see in the movies .

Any questions ?

If I didn't answer him , he would think I was ignoring him , which was disrespectful , and he would show me the importance of respect and that would hurt . But if I spoke , he would think that I was just some disrespectful , snot-nosed punk and he would beat the snot out of me .

I chose to stand there in silence , hoping that his phone would ring or that I'd wake up from this total fucking nightmare . Finally he goes .

But by the time I am finished with you , you will be fit to wear the uniform of a guard of the realm . Now , drop and give me 50 push-ups .

I'm even too tired to masturbate , not that I have any privacy in this place . March 24th 1989 . The physical training is grueling . They started me out with the basic stuff like the treadmill and the stationary bike , but now I'm running 5 miles a day and hitting the weight room for a couple hours . I'm as hard as a rock .

The mental training , that's been a little slower going . I've learned words that I never even knew existed . I'm learning new languages too , and I can speak somewhat fluently in Spanish and Russian . They tell me that before I'm finished I'll be speaking Japanese , chinese and even some Arabic . Foreign languages are my main focus right now .

However , they're also teaching me how to read aviation maps and how to survive in the jungle . April 3rd 1989 . It can get pretty spooky here , sometimes laying in my cot at night . Most of the time I'm alone in this large and mostly empty barracks with just the quiet hum of the air conditioner and the sound of my breathing .

Occasionally you can hear the faint sounds of a door slamming echoing through the long empty corridors or down in the depths somewhere . It can give me the creeps , especially when I wake up in the middle of the night from a dream , or to use the latrine and find myself totally alone . Even more so now . Since they moved Hans into a different wing .

I've really had to change the way I think , act and talk . I must address everybody with yesers and no-sers and treat everybody with respect . When my superiors speak , I must listen and respond only when asked . I've had to change the way I speak completely as well , and I can no longer cuss .

Last week I accidentally used the F word and got into a lot of trouble . I was training in the weight room with Guard of the Realm Hansen and somehow I managed to drop a 10 pound weight on my toe . It hurt like a mother f Well , let's just say that it hurt A lot . The other cadets gathered around me to make sure that I was alright .

I took off my shoe and was amazed to see that my toe had already ballooned up to the size of a golf ball . Fucking fuck is the word that popped out of my mouth . That didn't mean to say it , it just popped out before I could stop it and before I knew it they were all beating the living crap out of me .

They all took turns holding me while the others kicked me in the balls or punched me in the stomach . I was puking up shit and bleeding all over the place . Eventually they dragged me to the shower and washed my mouth out with a bar of soap . When they were finished , they turned the showers on full and left me laying there like a half drowned puppy .

I guess I learned my lesson . I haven't cussed since July 15th 1989 . They were right , I can speak Chinese and Japanese . Arabic is not as easy for me , but I'm working at it and they keep telling me that I'll be riding camels before you know it . I have begun training with weapons . July 23rd 1989 . Sometimes I feel so strange and lonely here .

So far I've only met a few other trainees , and when I do , they seem to show up for a few days and then vanish , never to be seen again . August 3rd 1989 , I am learning how to send and receive Morse code and how to read semaphore . It wasn't easy , believe me .

Semaphore is a system for conveying information at a distance by means of visual signals , with handheld flags , rods , disks , panels . September 8th 1989 I haven't been outside of this compound since last November , which makes it just over seven months .

None of the rooms have windows , so other than watching the news on TV , I've pretty much had no contact with the outside world . Tomorrow is different . They've given me clearance to participate Some sort of intelligence gathering mission , which means I'll be able to go outside to breathe the fresh air , to drive in a car again . I've made very few friends .

It's a strange place , but they feed me and they treat me okay . You've got me on the missile launching and anti-aircraft weapon simulators too . Getting the hang of those missile launchers has been a real challenge . I thought you had me there , didn't you ?

I've accidentally taken out whole cities , and once I nailed three quarters of the Middle East when I forgot one stupid code word . One stupid code word . Gotta work harder and stay focused . By the time I looked it up in the manual , a wall of nukes had blasted them back to the stone ages in the simulator .

Of course , I haven't been outside of this compound since last November , which makes it just over seven months . None of the rooms have windows , so other than watching the news on TV , I've pretty much had no contact with the outside world . So far .

I've only met a few other trainees , and when I do , they seem to show up for a few days and then vanish , never to be seen again . I wish I had some of Buddy's Syphilis pills right now . Those were coming handy .

Oh , and I forgot to tell you . I forgot to mention I've been promoted . I am now guard of the realm limbo , second class . I've been promoted . I've got two stripes on my sleeve , september 1st , and I think I'm too tired to care . Good night .

Until next time . Co-conspirators , stay alive and spread the word . The Crossing Guard tapes was written and produced by Jim Waters , featuring the voice talent of Tommy Nicolai , pat Waters , stephen Gladish and Gomez Waters , with original music from Pendulum , incorporated Technical support and marketing . Courtesy of Jazz Carowall . The number you have dialed has been changed .

The new number is Please help State Chronicles .