![Tape 4: Side B [Episode 8] - podcast episode cover](https://assets.metacast.app/images/episode/artwork/1IQ6Snxd)
¶ Episode 8
Welcome back , believers . Get ready for episode 8 of the Crossing Guard Tapes . We are coming to you from an undisclosed location . What you are about to hear is true . This is an unauthorized account taken from the diary of Mike Limbo from his time as an operative in a deep state organization known as the Guards of the Realm . Mike is running out of time .
He needs our hope and support . Help us get the word out . Join us as we bring you episode 8 of the Crossing Guard Tapes .
November 23 , 1988 . This morning after breakfast , a few guys in suits and ties came in to have a little talk with me . I tried to ask them some questions but they gagged me before I could finish . One of them jammed a rag in my mouth , while another ran a couple laps of duct tape around my face's neck .
They told me we talk , you listen , there were three of them . All together they look like FBI agents with their suits , their sunglasses and their fancy haircuts , like that guy on Hawaii 5-0 . They were all business with their yes sirs , no sirs . They were serious all the time , kind of like me and Eddie were with our kids .
We weren't fucking around , and neither were these guys . You have to respect that . After they gagged me , one of them started poking me in the chest with his finger like he's trying to pop a hole in my fucking rib cage . He gets right in my face and says what in the fuck were you and your ?
buddy thinking when you showed up at that party and started beating the hell out of your fellow crossing guards .
Crossing guards are your own people , you ignorant shit .
I figured he was the boss because he was the biggest and the loudest and he had some sort of badge hanging from the pocket of his suit coat . Then he opened his briefcase and took out a whole shitload of file folders and held them up for me to see .
Look , I got a ton of shit on you , and I'd be honest if I told you that it's not worth the paper at Spray . You're one sorry ass , little turd . The fight terminated . You right now , nobody but nobody would give half a crap . You've been a total pain in the ass from day one .
Man , was he pissed off . He started off speaking in a normal voice but by the time he was finished he was practically screaming at me . His face was so red I thought he was gonna pop a fucking vein in his neck . My face was dripping with his spit when he finished . It made me sick to my stomach actually . I gagged a couple times .
I wish he would have died of a fucking heart attack right then and there . If I wasn't gagged . I would have told him so right to his fucking face , that fucking face . But he didn't stop there . He goes . Do you have any ?
idea what kind of shit you're dealing with and how deep in it you are right now Buster .
I must have shook my head . No , because he kept right on screaming as a matter of fact , your neck deep in shit right now and you're half a turn away from drowning in it . Just then Mr Jakeman came into the room . To my surprise , the other three turned around to salute him . My jaw just about dropped to the floor . I couldn't believe it .
I mean , mr Jakeman , I had absolutely no idea he was even in the military or a prison warden , or whatever the fuck he was . The salute caught my attention too . They saluted with just two fingers . It seemed kind of odd at the time , but then I remembered that we used to use the two-fingered salute in Cub Scouts .
They stood there at attention waiting for him to respond . Finally he saluted back and said At easeman Boy , was I glad to see him . I tried to talk , but before I knew it Mr Jakeman jumped up and gave me a full-on taekwondo kick right in the nuts . I swear to God , I was seeing stars after that . And then I blacked out .
They threw a cup of cold water on my face to bring me to though .
I owe you that and a few more , just like it .
He said I thought he was making a joke . Turns out that he wasn't . So , mr Jakeman says .
I wanted to fire your sorry ass so many times , but the bosses wouldn't let me . They told me to keep an eye on you and report back to them . I told them that I thought you were way too old to be trained , but they disagreed . You're lucky . They could have had you liquidated long ago if they wanted . You're the perfect candidate .
No family , no friends , well , and reprobates like yourself . No one would have missed you . Like I said , you're one lucky son of a bitch . Funny thing is .
I wasn't feeling all that lucky at the moment . Next , he reached over and grabbed the corner of the duct tape that was stuck across my mouth from ear to ear .
He grinned and said this is gonna hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me .
Then he yanked the duct tape off , grinning like a five year old in a candy shop . It hurt like fucking shit . It hurt like shit Tore all the loose skin off my lips and blood drip down my chin . Ouch , ouch , mother fuck , mother fuck . What a sadistic motherfucker .
Then he mumbled something in Latin or some sort of shit like the crap they talk in church , and gave me a kiss right on the lips what the fuck ? Then the other three did the same thing . They all kissed me and said the same stuff that Mr Jakeman said . You know the Latin church stuff . I figured it was all over by then .
I've seen that stuff in the movies , where the mafia dude gives his friend the kiss of death and then blows his head off with a machine gun .
Instead , he said you are now a member of the guards of the crossing and hold the rank of guard of the realm , Michael Limbo first class .
I could not believe it . I definitely wasn't sure whether I even wanted to join their club in the first place , but the way I figure it , it was way better than being killed . Then they told me I would have to start going to school and taking classes . They also said that I'd have to get in shape and the training would begin immediately .
To top it off , they said that I'd have to start wearing a uniform . Mr Jakeman told me .
You must wear your uniform proudly at all times . If you're caught out of the uniform , appropriate measures will be taken . Do you understand ? And I said , yeah , sure , from now on you will answer . Yes , sir , do you read me ?
Mr Jakeman just stood there in front of me waiting for a response . Yes , sir , I replied . What else was I going to do ? I just wanted them all to leave before they started kissing me again or God knows what else . They saluted me and left All of them , except for guard of the realm Hansen . He was just a cadet like me .
Mr Jakeman told him to show me around . He didn't seem too happy about it .
Though he goes , let's get down to brass tacks . We've already wasted enough time today .
Then he told me to follow him to the barracks . He was trying hard to sound like a tough guy , but his voice was just so wimpy I guess he'll take practically anybody in this place . He kind of looked like a scared rat , a pear shaped scared rat . I couldn't tell how old he was , but I guess he was probably in his mid to late twenties .
I wasn't sure he was trying to grow a mustache to make himself look like a hard ass , but it just looked like peach fuzz . Maybe you'll have better luck with that in a few years After a spals drop . Come on . I tried following Hansen the best I could , considering that I had been bound and gagged for however fucking long .
My legs started cramping up immediately . I could barely move him . Hansen kept shooting dirty , looks back at me and looking at me like I was weak . Fuck him Fucking hurt , though In a way his dirty looks kind of got me going . Just what I fucking needed to let a fat ass like him make me feel like a wimp . I sucked in my gut and kept walking .
Even though it fucking hurt like a motherfucker .
I actually forgot about my pain for a while as I looked around at my new home . It was impressive . The hallways were wide Wide enough to drive a truck through . Couple of them . Side by side , the walls were covered in white tile . Floor was covered in white tile , ceiling was covered in white tile .
Everything was white and super clean looking like a dentist's office Made it feel cold and drafty . He led me down corridor after corridor , past all kinds of offices , laboratories and classrooms . I never would have imagined how huge this place was . It's not that big . I asked Hansen what all this shit was .
He actually totally annoyed , like I was an idiot , for not knowing this is district 18 . He said and kept on walking . Keep up , it looks like some kind of school . He shot back a dirty look .
District 18 is the school , a university actually .
A university . That's what I said . Any more stupid questions , or can we keep going ? Not right now , do shit . We came to a bank of elevators where a uniform guard was standing Holding the door open for us . We got on and I leaned back against the wall . Oh , felt good to take the weight off my aching legs .
Some doctor and nurse type people tried to get on our car , but the guard warned them off . This car is out of service . He told them . He pressed a button and the door started to close as the doctors protested .
What do you mean ? It's out of service . Come on man , just let me out .
Hey , hey , come on . The guard was having none of that .
This car is out of service . Take the next one . Thank you .
I'm going to lead you . Where am I , I'm sorry ? And the doors closed . Despite their moaning about it . Come on man . The elevator ride seemed to go down forever .
My ears even popped a few times on the ride down and my knees buckled once or twice , but I caught myself in the nick of time when it finally stopped moving we got out and went through a few checkpoints when uniform guards checked our IDs and made us walk through metal detectors . What is this place , I asked ? Hansen rolled his eyes .
We're in the pits .
The pits , district 35 , the barracks . My legs were wobbly and unsteady and I felt like they were on the verge of falling out from underneath me . I had to lean against the walls to steady myself as I stumbled down the hallways . I was still wearing my Halloween costume too , so I felt like a fucking idiot .
I must have looked something like a crippled grim reaper If I wasn't hurting so much . I would have felt like a total jackass . Everyone saluted Hanson as they walked past , but just kind of rolled their eyes at me , and I could hear them snickering behind my back . I actually did fall once . I tripped and hit my head on the concrete floor .
Goddamn did it hurt , practically knocked my brains out on the floor . I tried to get up , but my body just wouldn't budge . Hanson didn't budge either . He just watched me laying there for a while , acting annoyed .
Finally , when it was obvious that I could not get up by myself , he grabbed me by the arm , picked me up and shoved me into a room where a bunch of men in white lab coats were waiting . They grabbed me and wrestled me into a chair like the kind you see in the dentist's office . They pinned me down and held me so I couldn't move a muscle .
I closed my eyes . I tried to put up a fight , but they had me good . One dude came at me and I screamed I am guard of the realm , limbo , first class . The guy goes piped down , you're just getting a haircut . They didn't hear another peep out of me until they were finished . Afterwards , hanson took me to my new quarters in the barracks .
He showed me my bed , which was in a long rectangular room lined with about a dozen bunks . I was in row 5 , bottom bunk . My name had already been painted on the locker next to my bunk . Inside the locker was a pair of tan camouflage fatigues , matching camouflage underwear and one pair of shiny black leather army boots .
Laying right on top of my new clothes was a fancy looking book , like an encyclopedia or something . The book itself felt very solid , like it could stop a bullet . It was bound in a dark red leather cover which was puffy and smooth to the touch . It must have weighed at least 20 pounds .
The front cover had some seriously weird stuff printed on it , some fancy gold lettering that I could barely read , which , once I could make it out , said the guards of the crossing . You could actually run your fingers over it and feel it . It was cut so deep into the leather .
Underneath the lettering was a silhouette of an owl with its wings spread out and one of its claws outstretched as if it were attacking something . The other claw was clutching a crossing guard stop sign . I almost felt like I was holding an old , dusty Bible , like the one my grandma had .
I used to like checking it out when we went to visit her at Christmas time or at funerals . It had all these weird old-timey paintings that Moses Guy and the Ten Commandments , noah's Ark , shit like that . Those were really strange . People used to dress so fucking weird Memoir dresses , but so did the women . To each his own , I guess .
Then there were all the Roman guys with the helmets whipping the hell out of old Jesus the crucifixion . The one that really got me was the crown of thorns , the blood dripping down his face . That must have stung like a motherf- . I gotta stop using these words , especially around all this God stuff .
But the stuff I really like to check out were all the pictures of the baby Jesus . For some reason there were always lots of naked chicks with huge , wide asses hanging around . I used to look through those for hours on end . I mean , what else is there to do at grandma's house ? And no one ever said a word about it . Leave me alone .
I'm reading the friggin Bible and now this book felt kinda like that , like it was full of holy hocus , pocus stuff , but I didn't really want to look through it or jerk off to it , I just wanted to put it back in the locker where it belonged .
¶ Crossing Guard Tapes Warning
You have just heard episode 8 of the Crossing Guard tapes . We are shutting down our transmitter now to prevent the DOJ from tracing our signal and , dear listeners , due to the FBI's unrelenting effort to recover the tapes , there is a risk that they could be monitoring our site . So be sure to keep a low profile when sharing , subscribing and liking .
Until next time . Co-conspirators , stay alive and spread the word . The Crossing Guard tapes was written and produced by Jim Waters , featuring the voice talents of Tommy Nicolai , pat Waters , cliff Taylor , anthony Degrassia and Jazz Garowall , with original music from Pendulum Incorporated . All support and marketing courtesy of Jazz Garowall .
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