Tape 3: Side B [Episode 6]

All day he's standing there making a complete jackass out of himself and at the same time making a total mockery of the rest of us . One bad apple is all it takes . He makes all crossing guards look like a bunch of mental retards . Might as well take a shit and wipe it all over my uniform .

For Christ's sakes , while he's at it , he might as well fuck me up the ass with his stop sign handle . He didn't complain to Mr Jake about this fruit cake . I can't take this shit much longer . October 31st 1988 . Some cats from the Southeast School District are throwing a Halloween bash tonight .

We weren't even invited , so we're going to pay them a little visit . Some of us guards from the South Central District are going to crash it and crack a few heads open . That'll teach them not to invite us next time . Just hoping that my favorite fruit cake is there , cause he's going home with a few less teeth tonight .

If I fucking find him , buddy's going to wear his steel toad fag stomping boots and he'll be bringing his brass knuckles with him as well . For the party I'm going dressed like the Grim Reaper . Buddy's going to be wearing some kind of Nazi SS getup . Anyways , the kids wore their Halloween costumes to school today .

It was a really busy day and I had to be on my toes from the second . I got there by 3 o'clock . When school got out the kids were totally out of control and a little boy from the third grade ran out in front of a bus and got killed , crushed him like a grape . He was dressed like a ghost , so I guess now he is one .

Anyways , I'll tell you more about the party . Tomorrow Should be a bloody good night . November 1st 1988 . The party turned out to be even better than we thought . Five of the Skies from South Central crashed the party and turned it into the Halloween from Hell .

Buddy , who's at least 6'5 and weighing in at over 250 pounds , walked right in , picked up the punch ball and emptied it on the head of some idiot dressed like a ghost buster . That turned a lot of heads . I can tell you that Once he had everyone's attention , he announced to the party thanks for inviting South Central you fucks .

Then we picked up the keg and heaved it out through the sliding glass doors , which were closed . It knocked the door right out of its frame and glass shattered everywhere . As everyone dove out of the way , frame was all mangled and half torn out of the wall . The looks on their pathetic faces were priceless . It was like they were in shock .

They just stood there waiting for someone to say or do something . So we did . We found out and started clubbing anyone and everyone that got in our path with our police issued billy clubs , poisoned people , scattered . What a bunch of pussies . We weren't even hitting that hard , though Did knock a few teeth out . A couple of brave souls tried to corner Buddy .

Dracula jumped on his back while Robin Hood tried to tackle him at the knees . Bad move Buddy's knee met Robin's nose , flattened it like a pancake , blood spurred it everywhere and the guy passed out , crumpled at Buddy's feet . In the meantime , dracula was trying to get Buddy in a headlock and was pulling his hair , trying to gouge his eyes out .

Instead , he managed to get his fingers caught in Buddy's mouth . Buddy must have been hungry , because he took a bite out of Dracula that he'd never forget . A couple of guys jumped me and dragged me to the door and threw me into some prickly bushes Fuckers , fucking cock-suckers . I could have lost an eye . Someone called the cops and well , our time was up .

Buddy finally got tossed out with me and we lit the hell out of there . We drove downtown to find some other parties to crash . Of course , we were all revved up on speed so we were ready to do more damage all night if need be . If the duty comes , we will answer . When we got to Broadway I spotted my Bonnie cruising west . I told Buddy to chase her .

He made a U-E and we followed her in hot pursuit . Here we go , here we go , here we go . I must have told Buddy about my Bonneville a million times . He agreed with me that Bonnie should rightfully be mine . We followed her to a bar on the south side and waited for the guy to go in . I followed him into the bar .

I was just gonna talk to him but changed my mind when I saw him sitting down with some off-duty cops . I decided to go with Plan B . I went back outside and told Buddy I would not be needing a ride home tonight , went over to my Bonnie and just gazed at her for a few seconds , reunited at last . I was almost crying and I'm sure she felt the same way .

He didn't mean to be together . I took out my spare key , which I carry on me at all times , unlocked it , got in , revved it up a few times and peeled out of the parking lot like a bat out of fucking hell . It felt great to be reunited with her .

I took her over to Speedway and put her through the paces and to see if I could find any of my old cruising buddies . Buddy was right behind me the whole way . Once we got to Speedway we took over the whole goddamn Boulevard . He pulled his car up beside my Bonnie and we drove neck and neck so that no one could pass us . Yeah , come on .

We cruise Speedway for an hour or so , hitting all the hotspots , running into all my old cruising pals . Leo was there with the 75 Camaro as usual , hanging out in the parking lot of Pavarotti's Pizza , drinking Coke and talking to a waitress named Debbie that he's been trying to nail ever since I met him . He'll have to wait a little longer .

After tonight , when she saw Leo out in the parking lot , she came out to talk to him . She goes you can't park this here all night . Leo , my boss is getting pissed . You're scaring away the customers . Go home . Leo got even with her , though he gave her the finger and peeled out of the parking lot . I don't blame him for getting pissed off .

She treats him like a fucking dog . Little love , come on baby . And speaking of fucks , I ran into my old pal Freddy Fuck . Actually his name is Frederick Fuchs , but we always just called him Freddy Fuck for the album . He was cool about it . Freddy was on the strip too . We found him and his 67 Baby Blue Mustang holed up at Dunkin' Donuts .

He was up to his usual tricks acting drunk and spilling coffee all over the counter . He couldn't believe that I had my Bonnie again . I just had to tell him to cool it down on the account that I was just borrowing it for the evening .

You finally got him to understand and shut the fuck up about it , which is good , since there were a couple of cops sitting in the corner . There was no fucking cops .

Just as we were getting up to leave , the cops came back and started checking out the Bonnie . That asshole must have reported or stolen . Fuck it . It's time to leave . Bonnie and I walked out the side door and got in his car and drove off . I looked back and watched her until we drove out of sight . Somehow .

I just knew that I would never see her again . That put me in a really shitty mood . It started flipping off everyone . I saw We'd pull up neck and neck with some asshole and not give them the one-fingered salute that started getting us a little attention . After that , buddy and me began perking up again .

We got a little caravan going behind us with the car loads full of pissed off punks . Buddy kept swerving at them and then jamming on his brakes . I got them all aggravated . It's like when you keep hitting a beehive with a stick until the bees come buzzing out at you . We had to pack a wild bees behind us . All right , that made us both pretty happy .

So we took a few more little white pills and it was head busting time again . Flicked a beer bottle at an old Chevy Nova piece of shit that had about 10 greasy looking pukes piled into it . Bottles shattered across their windshield and a little cracked in it too .

That got them pissed and they pulled up alongside of us yelling shit , throwing them to beer cans at us . Pick up truck pulled along Buddy's side and he flicked a lit cigarette through their window . Cigarette got totally tangled up in the beard of the hippie by the window . You should have seen the look on his face when he realized that his beard was on fire .

It was fucking hilarious . We were laughing so hard that Buddy ran a red light and a black . He broadsided a bread truck . It didn't explode like in the movies , but it was still pretty damn cool . Buddy went face first through the windshield .

I cracked my head pretty good on the dashboard , had a fucking headache for a week , felt like a thousand hammers pounding on the back of my eyeballs . Then everything started moving in slow motion . I stepped there on my ass and completely stopped it was like a dream . People were running around shouting and crying .

I was too out of it to care , snapped out of my On my days . When I heard the sirens coming , though , somehow it dawned on me that I'd better get the hell out of there , and quick . I stepped out of the car and tried to walk , but my legs felt like they were made out of rubber .

I knew I had to get out of there , though , so I just started walking One foot right in front of the other until I finally got my balance . I was a little wobbly . For a few blocks I had to steady myself on parked cars , mailboxes , whatever the fuck I could find to hold on to . I'm slow going at first .

Eventually , my adrenaline kicked in , probably thanks to those syphilis pills . I felt a second , maybe a third wind coming on , and I just started running as fast as my legs could manage , one foot in front of the other , away from the sirens .

At first , the sirens seemed to get louder , and I thought they were on to me for sure , but gradually I got quiet again . By the time I got to the river , I could barely hear them at all . Eventually , I wound up at River Park . I stopped there to catch my breath . My legs would have given out soon anyways , if my fucking heart didn't blow out .

First I laid down next to the river bank behind some bushes and just closed my eyes . The pounding in my head was unbearable , like my eyeballs were going to pop out of my fucking skull . Then I remembered Buddy Poor guy . Last time I saw him he was stretched out on the hood of his car with his face totally fucked up , flattened by the windshield .

His eyes were closed and his lips were puckered like he was trying to kiss somebody that wasn't there . He looked like a total jackass . What a shit-wit . What a shit-wit I mean . I guess it could happen to anyone . Even if you kick ass every day of your ass kicking life , you can still die looking like a total jackass .

Everything you've ever worked for can be wiped out in a single jackass second . That's some shit . That's the kind of stuff they don't teach you in school . I guess I passed out for a while because when I woke up I was lying in the dirt staring up at the moon .

I laid there listening to the slow throbbing sounds of the crickets Seemed like they were throbbing in time , with the pounding inside my head when I couldn't stand listening to it anymore . I knew it was time to go , dragged my tired ass up , began the long walk home . My legs were fucking killing me .

My knuckles were still pretty swollen and bleeding from the fights at the party . I kept to the middle of the park and then followed the darkest and most deserted streets , just in case the cops were still looking for me . Every so often I noticed a black van driving by . The first time I saw it it was a few blocks away .

I probably wouldn't have even noticed it if it hadn't kept slowing down and then speeding up again and then tearing off into the night . Minutes later the van would reappear a few blocks away and then careen off again . To tell you the truth , it was really starting to annoy me . And wouldn't you know my luck , it had to be a fucking Ford van .

Ford van suck , oh Fords suck . Anyway , the van was really annoying the crap out of me and kinda started to freak me out a little bit too , like they were stalking me or something . Either way , it was enough that I decided I'd better stay on some of the more well-traveled streets .

Just as I was crossing mid-vale Boulevard , the van sneaked up alongside me and three or four guys in ski mass jumped out and grabbed me . They threw a bag over my head , zipped it up and forced me into the back before I could do so much as let one .

I was tightly wrapped up from head to toe , which fucking made it impossible for me to fight back and I couldn't breathe at all , as tired as I was . I still managed to put up a pretty good fight . I screamed and kicked for a while before one of them finally knocked me over the head .

I remember the pain in the back of my head and felt like some blood was starting to trickle down , but after that it went black .

Until next time . Co-conspirators , stay alive and spread the word . The crossing guard tapes was written and produced by Jim Waters , featuring the voice talent of Tommy Nicolai , pat Waters and Neil Kite , with original music from Pendulum Incorporated Technical support and marketing courtesy of Jazz Garrowall .