Tape 3: Side A [Episode 5]

Mike is in hiding , his life is in constant danger and he needs your support . Help us get the word out . Join us as we bring you the fifth installment of the crossing guard tapes .

We must have driven up and down the strip hundreds of times , honking and screaming at the whores and all the other street vermin Scared the shit out of a bunch of old farts too . Man , they're fucking everywhere . It's a total blast . Atlantic City is a great place to visit . Who knows , maybe I'll live there someday .

It's a party town and there's some pretty cool action happening around the clock . But for the time being I'm totally committed to my job In Atlantic City . You're just gonna have to wait . Pretty tired right now , but I kinda feel like doing something . Anyway . I can't sleep , not now . I tried calling Buddy but he's not answering his phone . So I don't know .

This might be a good night to get to know my neighbors a little better that lady across the street , perhaps Little peeping Tom . Action is good for the soul once in a while . August 19th 1988 . It's 5 AM and I still haven't gotten to sleep .

Yet the alarm just went off and it's time to get up , since I have a meeting with Mr Jakeman this morning , today's already fucked . Guess it must be time to take another syphilis pill . August 20th 1988 . I've been demoted again , this time to the very , very early morning shift at Hardaway Elementary .

I've told Mr Jakeman how much I hate little kids over and over and over again .

Well , the excitement that I felt on the first day of school is worn off big time . The kids at this school suck . They really are grades E quality . Personally , I wouldn't give a rat's ass if any of them got run over . Sometimes I don't even bother to get up to help them across , and when it rains out you can forget about it .

I will be that guy you'll see standing under the nearest tree staying dry . The weather has been shit for the last few weeks , making the job a total pain in the ass . Going out after work has been a real drag too . Time to catch up on my reading Well , porn . That is September 25th 1988 .

The weather has finally let up some , and Buddy and me and some of the guys are going out tonight . After weeks of being cooped up every night , I'm definitely ready to go out and crack some heads open . September 26th 1988 . This night we'll go down in history as a night to remember .

After work , buddy and me and a few of the guys started off by bowling a few games at Brunswick Lanes the new Brunswick on Speedway , not the old south side Brunswick down in Spicktown . I'm not a racist or nothing . I mean , some of my best friends are Spicks . Spicktown just gives me the creeps . Anyway , buddy and I teamed up and we were unbeatable .

We ran the floor so we didn't have to pay for drinks all night . We were lit up and going about a thousand miles an hour . He was getting pretty pissed off at us , since he considers himself to be a pretty decent bowler . He kept telling me to shut up . I kept telling him that his shoe was untied .

I belched every time he was at the line setting up his shot . I would wait until he was just about to shoot and then I'd let one fly . Peaty got even with me , though On my last frame . He ran up behind me just as I was lining up my shot and poured a pitcher of beer all over my head .

I turned around and shoved the ball at him and nailed him square in the chest and knocked him on his ass . He fell backwards and landed right on top of this huge guy in the next lane . The dude gets up and starts hammering the living shit out of him , didn't have a ghost of a chance .

Buddy and I lit out of there in a hurry , leaving Peat and the other guys to sort out that mess . As far as I'm concerned , peat had it coming . He's always bragging to us about what a hot shit bowler he is . Well , guess what , peat , tonight you're just an A number one jump . The fun didn't stop when we got outside either .

Buddy found an unlocked car and opened the trunk . He pulled out the tire iron and started busting out windshields as we tore through the parking lot I was laughing too hard to do anything much , but I managed to kick off a few rear view mirrors .

For my part , we could hear the police sirens coming , so we kept running until we got all the way to read park . We hid in the woods there until things cooled out a little . The sirens had passed and were far away within a few minutes . Once the coast was clear , we ventured out from our hiding place .

By then all those pictures of beer began to catch up with me , so I started looking for a place to take a leak . I found a nice bush to piss behind and discovered a couple old winos living in the grass getting drunk . Well , look what we fucking have here . Well you know how Buddy feels about winos Hi stinky .

His dad was a pretty bad drunk , so he doesn't like them too much . In fact you could say pretty much doesn't like them a whole lot . First we smashed their wine bottles on some rocks and then proceeded to kick the stink out of them and God , there was plenty of that to go around .

So be sure to keep a low profile when sharing , subscribing and liking . Until next time . Co-conspirators , stay alive and spread the word . The crossing guard tapes was written and produced by Jim Waters , featuring the voice talent of Tommy Nicolai , pat Waters , miel Kite and John Paul , with original music from Pendulum , incorporated Technical support and marketing .

Courtesy of Jazz Garrel Wall .