¶ Zombie Apocalyptic Interviews
This is a test . This is only a test .
In a world where cities are playgrounds and playgrounds are arenas , where arenas are battlegrounds and battlegrounds are sectioned into streets and streets are bisected by school crosswalks and school cross Stop it .
Hello , is anybody there ?
The Crossing Guard Tapes .
Ooh , I don't know how that happened . I don't know if it's the Aurora Borealis or what's going on today , but that was actually the trailer for the new podcast , the Crossing Guard Tapes . It's phenomenal . We're actually going to be talking with its creators later in the show , but something is not right today . Nonetheless , it is six o'clock in the morning .
Welcome to the . We Live Zombie Carnival . Gina , I'm a little . I'm a little worried . There's a lot of craziness going on right now . There's an all-star game . Just the world's on fire . You know , I'm just , I'm real worried .
Joe , I know you're scared and in times of fright we turn to our good friend , the head of the CDC , dr Ricci .
Dr Ricci on the phone . Hey , Dr Ricci , how are you ?
So where are we at with the serum ? I know you were had a big announcement before .
Yes , thank you for having me . I appreciate the time . It's very important . I've made some great breakthroughs and it involves animal DNA .
We've got a phone caller . We've got a phone caller . This is fascinating Caller . Are you there ?
Hey there , hey there , hold her , oh boy , hey hey , long time listener , second time caller .
You're one of those , huh , so what can we help you with ?
You know , I just so . I saw this girl on the bus the other day . We were , we were going uptown . You know , normally I'm going downtown , If you know what I mean . Yeah , but you know , I saw this girl and I just feel like she doesn't know I exist , Cause at no point on the bus did she look at me .
But I just I wanted to know how do I find her again and get her to actually look in my direction , Cause I think once we make eye contact , that that's when the sparks will fly . Also , the the electricity from the pipes that are wires are falling down , those sparks will also fly . But you know , really I'm looking for the girl .
So so you're calling for relationship advice , aren't you ?
Again yes .
So you think ? You think Dr Ricci is a love doctor is what's happening ?
Well , I mean , you ever seen the man ? I mean women must go crazy for him . He's got to be the doctor of love .
Dr Dr Ricci .
Right , do you have an answer ? Oh God , oh God , oh Okay , so that guy clearly doesn't get the Dr Ricci's a real doctor .
He thinks he's a relationship doctor . He called before , didn't he ?
I think so . I think it's the same guy and that's pretty desperate .
That guy's got , doesn't he have just like a , like a four ? I can't place it , but I feel like I've heard that voice before I know .
I feel like he's somebody we've met at some point , but I don't know where that would be , because we're on an island alone .
Nonetheless , Gina , you have a guest for us .
Yes , I found that you remember that lady with the viral video with the rat . Yep , yep , that lady .
I got her .
Erin Lane .
Erin Lane , that's it . I got her . She's gone viral and she actually doesn't have the virus , which is really fascinating .
It's pretty crazy . So we've got her on the phone and I want to . I want to kind of pick her brain and see what the hell's going on there .
Let's do it . Erin , are you there ?
Erin , how the heck are you Hi , hi .
So this is the infamous .
Erin Lane .
I'm alive yeah .
You're gonna be very good at that , nick .
Yeah , well , you know , I don't , I don't really know why , Like it's not , like I don't want to die the irony this shit is crazy . You know , yeah , yeah , Like I don't even know if I'm safe , like right now .
Where are you right now ?
I'm in a cave . Okay , well , it's more like a hole , but I call it a thing Cause it makes it feel more like a home .
Oh .
Oh , erin , yeah , no , I carved my name in the wall and now I feel like I've got a picture I'm decorating .
Do you have any pets ?
Well , no , Well , I got Michael , but I wouldn't call him a pet . You know Michael's more of like my friend . What is my ?
rat A rat .
Oh yes , I mean , will you ever eat , michael , if need be ?
Oh no , I can't eat Michael . He's her best friend , well that , and I'm pretty sure he's a rat zombie , oh no , well , that's one of the clues . You know , I've been kind of thinking about it and you know , kind of makes me wonder like cause . You know , I'm still here and I'm like I'm not even like trying anymore .
I'm like I , I , I gave a while ago , you know , and like now it's just kind of like I just walk and see what happens , but , um , like I don't know , the world was on fire and then it went to shit and then we started eating each other , not just the rich , like that was the plan . Then it was everybody , everybody . I mean how , how are you guys like ?
I mean , how are you guys Like , how are you guys ?
We're safe . We're safe on our island lighthouse .
That must be nice If you ever make it here , aaron we got a room for you , but you guys hide the directions .
That's true . We do just say a specific little code .
You leave on the trees . I don't understand that , Like you , are one of the lives of people living in Canada . Mammalhaha HIRS it doesn't look like they're hyped up a lot in man Jesús . I think you know , so Germany is coming to life .
There's a lot , a lot .
Yeah .
What else ?
does this mean like I'mọnVia and ? But you know , yeah .
What else does that mean ? Like I have a unbelief for stress .
The country are you in right now . Do you know ?
I don't even I think I might be in Canada , because you know they don't make that border very clear , and I know I was walking north for a while in some trees , or it could have been south , I mean it could be in Mexico , but you know the zombies turned everybody white , so I don't really know where I am so tell us about how you , how you got to be
just so despondent .
What , yeah , what happened ?
Well , you know , in zombies first attacks right me and my friends , we were playing Dungeons and Dragons . We were playing in my friend's garage and it was a neighborhood where there weren't you know , not a lot of people walking around in the neighborhood , except for this none . There was always none who walked .
We never knew where she lived , but one day this none was walking right at her . So non-nony type , and all of a sudden there were all of these people Running after the nun , you'd see , worried about it , and then the people started attacking the nun . People like , well , should we roll for it ?
I was like I don't know , I'm only going if I get a nat 20 .
Oh .
Well , I rolled and I got a nat 20 .
Yeah .
And so I had to go save the yeah the nun .
Yeah .
I got there and the zombies just looked at me and ran away .
Oh my god , I'll reject it . By zombies , that's awful .
Well , I don't know , I'm super power . Now , right like we need to figure out what the rules are on it . Only one who seems to have it .
So far nobody .
Nobody else had it because they ran away from me and then they ran into the garage and I don't think anyone else rolled in that 20 . Did you go back ?
into the garage .
No Good decision . I think that's a good ? Not at all .
No , schrodinger's box , they're still alive half .
No , that cat's fucking . That is a lucky fucking cat . I Know what's gonna happen when I open that box . It's the universe's irony , and they're laughing at me .
Wow , so you got some viral fame a few weeks ago . That's how we found you the that incident at the convenience store . Can you ? Can you tell us a little bit about what happened there ?
Well , you know it was . It was all zombies and I found a zombie . I was just walking through , you know , getting my Fritos right , like he do , or maybe like I do , and there was one zombie that didn't run away from me and I was like , wow , you know , and I still had . I still had my iPhone and and a battery charger so I could still use my phone .
For , you know , the 400 of us left on the tick tock .
¶ Makeup and Zombies
That I would take from the convenience store . I would take some of the makeup and I would do a zombie makeup tutorial . Yeah because I don't think the zombies know that they can come to her and Wouldn't be so afraid of them if they just made their , you know .
And it was I won't . I thought kind of the . Similarly , I was like I could do makeup like a zombie . Oh because I mean I've got the back , I could trick them . Yeah , that's what I was thinking .
They did that in the walking dead . They even put dead body parts in their pants and walk zombies . But I don't think that's it , because they run away from me . This is going on in their heads where I don't know . I'm beginning to think that they think that I can save them .
I Think sometimes , you know , you find your good moods and even during these strange times you know you got to take time for yourself . You gotta find your confidence because when people are running away from you , all Like you get an alive . Whoa , you know . And so that's why I started doing makeup on myself , because I wanted to feel good .
Even if the zombies can't talk to me , they can run away a little slower .
Absolutely .
Absolutely yeah .
Do you try to make up on Michael ?
No , because I don't bite me . I Mean , like you know , I have those friends that are toxic that you just Can't get rid of them Because you know , you just know . I'm too long you know I've known him since the beginning . You know it's been me and him .
So , yeah , he just , you just , even though you know he broke all the rules and he got all zombie'd up and stuff , you know he doesn't run away . Oh , I saw a zombie horse the other . Good day , guys .
What's that like ?
it's like it's a horse , but yeah , but their eyes are so big like zombie eyes get crazy when they're big like on an animal , because horses eyes are usually like the black holes of depth . Yeah , yeah , the horror for anymore man . Shit's exploding in those .
Looks like a nebula .
What does it look like ? A nebula ? Yeah , like a fiery .
Just I'm telling you we have what I had . Those eyes would be being explored .
See . I think , we've got to use . We've got to use our people to get Ritchie Sweetie . Okay , erin up was Ritchie .
Yeah , we just had him on it earlier . I wish , I wish we didn't know .
We have the director of the CDC , doctor Ritchie . He's been working on a cure and I feel like we've made some progress with them and you might be like a key to this air and we've got Tabling .
Why are we looking for a cure ? Because when you , when you open those brains , you can't cure them . Those people are dead . It's the stroder . You just need to stop believing in things and you realize the tiny joys that can get you through this . But stop believing . Anything is still alive , all right , well Erin .
What's your favorite tiny joy , my favorite tiny joy .
Well , right now it's carving pictures into my whole cave . Those will last for centuries right , I'm gonna be someone in the future , lady Gaga .
Sounds like somebody might have found your cave .
Oh yeah , what is that ?
What's that ? Do you have someone there at the entrance ?
You put a boulder in front of you .
How the fuck do you see in my cave ?
over here .
We can hear it here's some wrestling . Kind of sounds like you might have a visitor , an undead visitor .
How would you know that ? By row shit you were right .
Erin , oh god .
God , I'm like business clothes , though he must have been someone important . Oh , you know what's fun sometimes I make up a game about who these people are . Yeah , okay , so he's got on Navy blue slacks with a purple tie , no jacket , a dark gray button up . I Think he wants me to tell you it's just gray .
Oh , it's just gray . Oh , it changes everything . I think I think he was a manager at a cell phone store .
Oh no , he's playing charades with me , right now Okay , I would say Public defender . Oh , he's doing a golf swing .
Oh .
I dated a golf bro once yeah .
Wow , so maybe you're in Augusta , maybe you're down in Georgia , oh .
Fuck .
I hope not do those long still count .
I'm gonna call him Roger . If Roger keeps this up , I may need an abortion .
Remember Roger's dad . He's dead . He's dead .
I don't think they work . No , he's still doing a golf swing . Man didn't make his dream . I think he's upset about it . This is like a freaking John Dunn hole His future never came true .
Oh well , you keep tabs on Roger and on Michael and we're gonna call you back here . We're gonna see where you are here in a little bit .
All right , sounds good . Thanks for having me , guys . Makes me feel alive .
Yeah , keep your head up .
Erin Lane . This is the song you survived .
If you want to slow this down . Oh , if I don't ask you to Be more than just a late night , come around , give me company tonight and stick around till morning light , and with the don't slips through the blinds , I'm begging the sunshine . I want to see your face in the daylight Because you're always gone before the night is through .
I want to see You're something the sunshine . Maybe we're just good together . I'm over-vented , that's an effort move and you might tell me it's good texture . I just want to see this through , baby , and stick around till morning light , and with the don't slips through the blinds , I'm begging the sunshine . It's a funny about my side .
I want to see your face in the daylight Because you're always gone before the night is through . I want to see You're something the sunshine Because you come from the dark side of the moon the dark side of the moon . I'm over here , I'm not alone . So I spent the night here . I spent the night here , okay .
I want to see your face in the daylight Because you're always gone before the night is through . I want to see You're something the sunshine Because you come from the dark side of the moon . I want to see your face in the daylight , because you're always gone before the night is through . I want to see . You're something .
The sunshine Because you come from the dark side of the moon the dark side of the moon .
Yes , hello , my name is . Gabe . Gabe . Egg yes , it was Gabe Egg and I just wanted to call in to thank you for bringing to my attention the film these Hands . It's really just knowing it exists and it inspires me to cinematic masterpiece of determination and fighting .
And I hear there's a dog in it and I know that once this film people see it , they'll just know that this creator was a once in a generation talent , like a step on Bill Bush or whatever that guy's name is . I was piddled after this new guy . Anyway , there we go , oh there we go , oh no , they seem to have gotten me . Oh no , the zombies are coming .
Oh , I'm definitely dying . Please don't try to contact me again .
That was Good Intentions by Glass Bandit . You can follow them on all social media and download that track from Bandcamp . I'm telling you , gina , that voice , that voice is so familiar , do you not hear it , gina ?
I think that I do . Here's my problem is I have that like voice blindness , so everybody kind of sounds the same to me anyway .
That sounds like a payable way to live .
It really is . It's pretty awful . Like I couldn't tell you , neil , dave , Susan , you all kind of sound the same . It's real weird .
Gina , we got to talk about the All Star Game . Did you watch , Did you hear about the All Star Game ?
I did and I am grossed out .
Home Run Derby . Home Run Derby .
¶ Alligator Policing and Florida Zombies
I don't know like to me . Just you know I didn't stop having these big events . Did we learn with the NBA finals ? Now we have the All Star Game .
The Ashes too , the Ashes .
Yeah , I mean every major sporting event turns into a super spreader . I just don't get it Like as our need so great . I don't think so , but I do love cricket .
So I don't understand why people keep showing up to these things . And then one guy turns and boom .
You'd think they'd have better security for it . You know , if somebody's acting all funky , Get out of here .
But we've got our good friend on the phone from Florida Our baseball analyst and comedian . He's in that new movie Women Want Everything . We've got Jeff McElhaney on the phone . Jeff , how are you buddy ?
Jeff , how's it going ? How's things down there in Florida ?
Sunny Florida .
Yeah , sunny Florida , you know , it's actually pretty damn good . I mean , I don't know what the rest of the country's complaining about . See seems to be a trend with .
Florida .
And you know we don't experience things the same way that the rest of you all do . Always separate Rhode Island's literally underwater , oh yeah , yeah , well , you know , the streets are under water sometimes here , but that's only when it rains , but that that's , that's a normal thing .
That's pre pre zombies there pre , pre zombies .
Yeah , yeah we , we get along well with the zombies . Yeah , the hard part is you don't know the the average homeless method versus versus a zombie . You know , sometimes you got to get real close to actually know which is which yeah , I've seen .
I've seen a couple of those posts of Florida zombie .
Yeah , yeah . But look we , we've got the alligator policing the streets . The alligators , I mean , they got the taste for the , for the zombie flesh . That's a really good point .
Yeah , yeah , did they get deputized ?
Yeah yeah . Well , you know , we just have to spray paint them . That's how we do it here . You know they can have a uniform , but we could just , you know , we put their number on their back . And we know , we know , yeah , alligator 420 , that is my favorite . He's a blast .
Oh , do they do . They should do like the , the live PD to they follow that right well , you know what I'm .
I'm trying to start that as as part of . I'm trying to do that as part of my YouTube channel , so We'll see if it takes off . Yeah , I'll get a ton of views .
Yeah . So , speaking of YouTube and things you're doing , I hear you just had a Premier for your movie . Women want everything . Tell us about that house and they do your work in this day and age .
You know we had . We had to get a few gators outside just for for additional security . Yeah , I mean , you know we had to turn away . You know normal people too . Yeah , you know , if you don't have a ticket , it was a sold-out premiere .
Nice Congratulations .
Yeah , yeah , it was great . People laughed the whole time . God , I look way too much like Kenny Powers . It's , it's , it's almost not funny .
That's a couple of them .
I think , you know , I gotta lean into it at this point . I hope Danny's doing okay . Danny McBride's hopefully still alive out there , wherever he is , I'm sure it's not , you could double . Well , that's true if he's in the middle of a project , and he's been , you know , killed by a zombie . Yet they can just call me .
Get your agent on the phone .
So what's the movie about , jeff ? Tell us a little background on it .
It is about four misfits Men who are trying to figure out what women want .
Um and that's not trouble right there .
Yeah , spoiler alert , don't figure it out . I Like true to life films , you know . Yeah , yeah , no , it was . It was very funny because I you know it was arguing when my co-stars About who was the least like their character and I play a character who's a Florida man with a bit of a drinking problem .
He's a little sloppy , terrible with women , I'm like , oh , you know , that's basically me . Just I did a southern accent for the movie , so yeah , but it was , it was fun , you know at least you could say you're a researcher .
And when you get hammered ?
hmm , yeah , it's part of the job or when you screw up a relationship .
That's the research .
Yeah , yeah , I'm getting ready for the sequel .
Why women leave ?
That's good . Yeah , yeah , they , they were seriously . Yesterday there was a Q&A after the premiere . Lean and hard . Apparently the the director writer is already working on the second . Screw nice . That's awesome he . He did say what if we ? What if we did a version of this starring four women who would try to figure out what men want ?
I'm like , yeah , I want one when men want boobs . That's . It's not gonna be very long , it's a very short film . Yeah .
But yeah , I , you know it's as far as the zombies go . I'm not gonna lie . I , I , I . There weren't a lot of single ladies at the premiere . Yeah so I , you know , I don't , I don't know if this is a worldwide thing , but we , we don't mind , you know , having some fun with the zombie ladies , if you know what I mean .
Oh no , yeah , that's actually . That's a common theme with the show .
Oh .
Good , I'm not a freak then right .
Not for Florida . Yeah no , it's a big thing down here yeah .
Oh .
Yeah , yeah , it's a . I mean it's a booming business , I mean good God . Florida man I mean look , we're keeping them alive , we're you know , if there's ever a cure for this thing , we can . You know , don't totally back , maybe a little worse for the wear , but for more reasons than one .
But yeah , talk about waking up in the morning with a mistake .
Yeah , the biggest issue I have is I'm a big heavy drinker and , yeah , I've had some close calls because you know , yeah does the alcohol supply get affected by that .
I mean , we've had some supply chain issues here . I mean , are you guys able to get the booze to , you know , to get you tanked ? Well , luckily for me , you know .
Florida boys are not that big of a deal . You know , florida man is a very , very smart , smart person . So we figured out the whole distillery type thing we're . You know it's . It's not as smooth as what I'm used to , but it gets the job done and that's really all it counts right .
Especially now . So now and I know that that we have the all-star game , you know yeah we have the . You know what happens there and you know I assume alcohol was involved in some way . But you know , I know I heard you like baseball , so I wanted to get your insight .
Yeah , did you hear ? Did you hear ? Did you hear about the incident at the at the Major League Baseball Star Game ?
No , I didn't hear about the incident . What was that ? Oh man , we're hoping you're gonna improvise .
I thought , maybe .
I thought maybe it was canon . I'll go back .
No , this is new canon that we want you to make , but that's okay , yeah that's my fault .
You know , look , it's raised . Fans and zombies are often confused for each other , and you know , they , they . Again , I blame , I blame Major League Baseball for not adopting the alligator security for the event .
You think it could have been solved all with that ? You know , yeah , yeah , no that's .
That's an it . Who is the commissioner now , since the original one has been obviously has turned ? Yeah , is it Bud Selig again , did they bring him back ?
No , no , no , he's definitely . He was a zombie back in the 90s . Well done . Yeah , yeah , yeah no , he's out of the picture . I believe it's Paul Giamatti , because his grandfather was the commissioner back in the day , so you know yeah , keep that man safe at all costs and a great actor . Yeah , yeah , yeah yeah .
I hope .
I hope being commissioner baseball doesn't distract too much from his acting . We need him in the Kia commercials or whatever the hell he's doing there it was .
Einstein and Verizon , wasn't he just recently ? Yes , he was .
Yeah , yeah , he . He probably wish he was killed by the zombies at this point .
Yeah , yeah , commissioner , and doing Verizon commercials . There's no way . It makes sense . When you talk it out Loud would happen .
Yeah , yeah , you know he's a busy man . He stretched tooth in . He didn't think about the Gator security and you know , things happen , things happen I . I just pray that Randy Arosarana is okay in the end .
Yeah , that was awful .
It's awesome prayers , awesome prayers .
So when the movie , when it's available , if we follow you on social media , how , how , how could we do that ? What's your handles ? Do you have handles ?
Yeah , I'm a writer , and Instagram . I'm at St Jay Mac J , m A , c and the Jeff Macalino podcast has a Facebook page . So between those things , those are probably the the big ones , and , of course , the podcast , you know , still up and running , not affected by zombies . I'm actually really hoping to get a few zombies on as guests in the near future .
I want to hear their side of the story . Not sure it'll be compelling audio , but but we'll see . We'll see Right .
Yeah , we've got a zombie translator that we can get you in touch with . Ooh nice , that might help .
There you go . Yeah , look , look I I've had a flatterer on the podcast . So zombies , you know , probably not the weirdest people I'll have .
So did we ? That's crazy . It is crazy . We had a legitimate flatterer too , like it wasn't even like an act .
So like they're like oh , this is part of my shtick , oh , yeah , maybe it was the same guy .
So you do stand up comedy too , jeff , is that correct ?
A little bit . I've dialed it back . Really , when I got the acting role , I , I , I . There's a lot more freedom in saying other people's words and making them funny because , if it doesn't work , you can just say , hey , I didn't write it .
Yeah , that is nice , that's true . Robin Williams did that often as well . Oh , low blow .
¶ Comedian's Zombie Stories and Bad Performances
Yes , I've , I've heard .
I've heard the stories on the road as a , as a comedian , on the road , with zombies . Was that ? How was that ? Did you take like a ? Like a bus that was just decked out ?
Alligators man .
Alligators , that's right yeah .
But in the cold , what if you ?
went to Minnesota . Well , I don't do the cold weather venues . My , my comedy doesn't even travel . Well , there , cities are not like , they just don't get it . I'm I'm talking about , you know , relaxing , passing out on a beach , and they're like what is a beach ? Imagine the snow is hot and brown . That's a beach and fun to walk on .
Yes , yes , yes , you know , tell them the story if you don't mind that you're in New York when you're at New York and you bombed oh my God , it was the worst .
It was so , so , like I forgot that people in New York don't really drive cars . I had this whole fucking bit about cars and like , like acronyms for names or whatever , and like I started doing I'm like , oh shit , this is going to fail hard . And then it just silence .
And then like somebody shouted yeah , oh , yeah , go outside .
Oh yeah . So it's like a fire truck , just like parked outside with its sirens on , and I'm like , oh , this is fucking great . And we shout like we don't drive .
It was awful .
I was like I'm going to just go jump off the fucking Birken Bridge now because this shitty yeah , the very first open mic I did .
There were nine people in the audience who were not comedians and six of them were friends and family , always , yeah , and I dropped my first joke and it is crickets and I'm like , really Two thirds of you are my , my family , basically and you can't even courtesy chuckle . They won't even laugh for you , like , come on , just go , that's it Just fake .
And I'm that person . I feel bad for every comedian , so it doesn't matter if their jokes suck .
I'm like oh yeah , you tackle for the support .
Yeah , the courtesy chuckle is like . You know , it's a must . You can tell the rhythm of a joke and you can tell when a punchline is even if it's terrible . It's a little , that's it .
Just the support . I love the groans . I know that my joke is great If I get it , oh oh yeah , oh yeah , that's .
That's actually my favorite reaction I ever had to a joke . I've got an audio recording of it , but it's a joke that takes a second to understand . It's not a racist joke , but you know .
So everyone kind of paused and then the black people in the audience started laughing and then all the white people were like , okay , we're good , we can't , but there is a noticeable like two second delay in the laughter and I love it so much , absolutely .
That's what I think is comedy .
That's when it's a good joke , though , because it means you had to , like , get to it Like you had to get to it and let it flow over you , and then you're like oh yes .
Yeah , no , it was . That's my favorite . I need more of those in my accent .
Now do you have I assume that you have some alligators guarding wherever you are for safety right ?
Yeah , so I was very fortunate . One thing that's a big advantage in this zombie situation is having a two story house . You got the high ground . It's really easy to defend . So , just you know , got some gators chained around the fence . You know , I'm kind of just building a compound .
¶ Zombies, Alligators, and Crossing Guard Tapes
Well , it kind of sounds like the question I think I've got is it sounds like the alligators either have something .
Yeah . I can't it's a very it's a sound .
I've never heard before and maybe it's because of it , I don't know . Can you look at this ? Is there like a window or a door you could peek out , maybe and see what's going on ? It sounds like quite a commotion , it's probably so .
Yeah yeah , yeah , I'll go . There is some noise on the back perimeter . I'll go check this out right now .
I'm sure it's perfect , I'm sure it's fine .
I mean , those alligators are a really good choice . They're hard workers too , yeah .
Well , the alligators missing from the perimeter . So I'm gonna have to investigate this a little more .
Okay , well , yeah , we don't mind waiting . We'll wait for you to come back . Hope it's not just like hanging there like the goat on Jurassic .
Park , jurassic .
Park yeah .
What the hell happened to this ?
Oh God .
What's going on over there ?
Jeff .
Oh my God , jesus Christ . Hey , it's a setup , the zombie . This is a zombie . I fucked last night . Oh my God .
What Gators , gators .
The table's a first You're a fake number .
Oh , he's , oh , no , he's gone . He's gone . Jeff Macalino , this is the song you die to no ships on my shoulder . I wish I was older . Clouds make shapes . But so what , early on in the diamond week , fish my cheeks just for the sake of it don't make sense . But I got magazine figurines . I got posters on my wall , big dream savings screens .
I'll expose Some days never fade , cause my eyes are number three . Time makes never meant to die of grown . Lots of reason , at least love's a tits and this a freeze face and this a oh , my oh .
They say it won't be easy , but it's just a game . Forget what makes you stronger , cause you'll fail the same . I like to take it over every now and then , but I will live it all again . That was mid-2000s by the up and coming UK band Voodoo Bandits . You can check out their music on Spotify , soundcloud and get their song on Bandcamp .
This is Special Agent Robert Donovan . Here's what we know . A crucial piece of evidence in the 40 year old Crossing Guard Wars case seems to have made its way out of our control . The Crossing Guard tapes are the work of one , mike Limbo . October 31st 1988 .
Mr Limbo took a job as a school crossing guard and found himself in the middle of an ancient and unseen war between , well , school crossing guards and a cult hidden deep within the fabric of our society .
Three or four FBI looking guys jumped out of the sedan and hopped her suit .
We've allocated resources to monitor activity on the site wwwthecrossingdarttapescom and any and all podcast directory and distribution services that are seen to be providing refuge to these leads . We will be especially vigilant on July 13th , when the first installment of the Crossing Guard Tapes is released .
Okay , everybody , this is Red reporting live on the road . I'm down here in the Panhandle of Florida reporting from Panama City Beach . We've got our live extra reporter , poppy Perkins . She's got breaking news . Poppy , what's going ?
on . Hey Red , we're here in the sunny state of Florida and I am here to report about , once again , the Florida man . Oh , so we've kind of been not having any zombie issues here in Florida . I mean , it's been silent . So anyway , talking to the Florida man boy , as he is crazy kook . Really I'm seeing him on the news all the time .
It's kind of silent , but oh , I know he's just always doing something stupid . You know how he is .
Anyhow , what's the reason for all the silence . Isn't this like tourist season ?
I mean , it's tourist season . You think these zombies would be just , you know , really quite having the lunch . But apparently these alligators have such keen senses for rotting meat and flesh that they seem to be picking them off quicker than they become the zombies . I mean , I was watching him one day .
He says , and he says the alligators keen senses and even tell which zombie is a witch .
Wow , that's crazy , oh my gosh . So , like I said , with no zombies , I mean , where are the zombies going ? I mean you said the alligators are like taking them out right .
Yeah , yeah . So alligators turns out , they've taken all these zombie bodies to this one swamp location and they have been there . They're just they're . They're eating so many zombies and so much so mass destruction of all these zombies that they're capturing they . They formed a system where they are eating and laying eggs like crazy .
So we're going to have more of an invasive experience with the gators that you're telling me .
The gators are going to be outnumbering us and the zombies ?
Oh yes , I guess , I guess they smell that versus .
Hey we're going to be . We're going to have to do something . There's going to have to be something happening . I think I should be investing in boots , don't you ?
I mean , if we're going to have all of these gators down there , somebody needs to take care of this issue . That's crazy . Well , for now .
we're thinking of shipping out the gators in the summer into some of these other locations , so they can at least have a nice summer Then when winter comes , you know .
Then you make your boots in your bags .
That wouldn't be a bad idea it's going to turn into a moneymaker for these , for these alligators . I'm telling you I'm I might get on board and buy some , some alligator eggs .
Yeah , no kidding , no kidding . Hey , poppy , thanks for that update . Keep us informed on what the Florida man's doing . I'm excited he's taking control . I never knew you could actually train a gator to be a zombie detector and just take him out like that . But I really think it's great because it's recycling . Who doesn't want to raise waste Right ? Absolutely .
I'm over the smell of rotting flesh ever since that train derailment and those zombies started laying around all canotonic . It's kind of gross out there . So if they're , pulling it up and dragging them in the swamp it's no better way to do it .
It's kind of like what the mafia used to do All right , taking care of business no kidding hey , Poppy , thanks for jumping on .
Yeah .
Hey , maybe I'll see you on the beach . You're not getting chased again , okay , right , right , yeah , I'm going to go ahead and get this back to Joe and Gina in the studio . Thanks for popping in , thank you , thanks .
Broadcasting a million watts of zombie busting power Brains 98.6 . Zombies that had radio the mega station .
You know , Gina , I'm starting to think there's a connection between all of this .
You know , it almost seems like there's got to be a thread . If not , I'm crazy .
It's well , we need to put up one of those you know those things with the pushpins in the strings , because all of these guests are random , yet somehow everything , week after week , starts tying itself together in an impossible way .
It's like a web of information and somehow we're going to get a clear picture out of this thing eventually . It's like the Zodiac killer . It is we need , but we need descriptions , we need eye witness accounts .
It's just I don't know , I don't know .
Well , you know , what we can do is we can talk to our next guest . We've got the co-creators of this amazing new podcast that just dropped yesterday right , just dropped yesterday . It's called crossing guard tapes and we've got jazz and William on the phone to talk a little bit more about it .
I love it . I got to tell you this is probably the breakout podcast of the year . They have podcast awards . I don't know .
So the crossing guard tapes guys tell us , what is that all about ?
I have been dying to talk to you too .
Okay , it's about tapes about crossing guards . Yeah , we , there it is . We securely taped crossing guards , conversations there , interesting people , brilliant . No , the story was kind of came about because a lot of things it's really complex .
It seems very complex .
Yeah , dumb ideas , okay . So I used to drive my kids to school in the morning and there'd be some weird guy on the corner like just entertaining everyone as they walked by . Like he was . Like he was like this clown .
And I kept watching it , like every day he was there and you know people would be clapping for him and everything , and I went who is that guy ? What does he , who does he work for ? And so I assumed that he was signaling someone out in , out there . And you know there was something , you know more , you know deeper , deep state going on there .
So that's where that started , but yeah , so it kind of I imagine this , this , that some dumb job like a crossing guard is a deep state , you know like , so , like I don't know if any of you have been crossing guards before , but I wasn't fifth grade because they outsourced it to the children in my school . You're part of the deep state .
I mean , yeah , I can't really talk about that , we're one question in it I'm already in tears laughing .
It's such a brilliant idea to just look at a crossing guards and think what you thought , yeah .
Yeah , there's something way deeper going on so creative there's .
There's a huge organization . That orange belt is a utility belt , yeah .
Yeah , there's a , there's a lot of , yeah , all that , anything you can imagine .
And then , if you look at , stop upside down , right , it's Latin for conspiracy , right ?
Is it ? Is it really ?
No , no , I'm joking .
I was like holy cow .
maybe this is real yeah .
It was like the whole .
Ford .
The alumni like symbols on the dollar right , the pyramid and all that right . We just take it further to crossing guards , absolutely .
I can't believe it . Like as soon as I saw it I was hooked . It's , I don't know , man , like it's better than squid game , Just so fascinated with the idea that you guys came up with .
Good , Good . This is all . Jim is like , don't pin this crazy .
This I mean unless it's brilliant and they'll take credit .
Yes , exactly , you just saw me dancing on the corner . He's like hey you , I feel like that's a true story . No , no , it's almost .
It's very lynching now , yeah .
Yeah , yeah , I'm on retainer with Jim now . He just yeah , it's all the podcast is just following me around and he's got a stop sign in my hand .
So what is some ? So the ? So the show's out now , because it's Friday .
Yes , we , we actually put it out a few years ago and we just weren't really quite happy with it . We kind of did it and kind of let it kind of go . And you know there was a lot of things I didn't like about it .
It was the first time I had done a podcast where you know the the presentation of it was not very interesting , I think , and so we kind of re redid it and made it , you know , a little bit more just more mysterious and strange . You know , that's when jazz comes in right . Yeah , the dancing on the on the street corner and with a stop sign .
Yeah , that's pretty weird .
And yeah , dude's like this guy .
Yeah , well , he's like . This guy . Knows that's the oh when he saw me dance .
So , yeah , it's basically a it's a reboot kind of in a sense , in a big sense , like in in , in every sense that you can imagine , all senses of reboot , it's all those .
Yeah , you know , I was always bummed because I thought it was a fun concept and I spent a lot of time putting all the sounds together and and creating these atmospheres and everything and I thought , well , you know , this is , this is . I mean , I've heard a lot of other podcasts out there and they were nice , but this had a lot more detail to my video .
And so that I was just like , well , I wish it wouldn't die all the way , you know , but but so you know . Then , jazz , I was driving my kids to school and I saw him on the corner there doing the doing the stop sign thing , and I went in and he said , hey , stop , let's reboot this thing . And I went , oh great idea .
And you met him and that was the first thing he said to you yeah .
And then , after Jim said that it was a good idea , he also said get out of my car .
She got in the car .
With crossing guards . We we operate with impunity . Yeah yeah .
Yeah , it's a deep state , Just you know . Exactly , there's a lot more going on than you think . Just you know .
Yeah , so what of the story ? Can you , oh sorry , go ahead ?
Yeah , no , go ahead . I'm just going to say , yeah , like
¶ Rebooting a Podcast Series Discussion
I feel like the . You know the reboot also was like a good opportunity to . You know , look at like um , not just like kind of you know putting that podcast out there , but actually creating kind of the you know the the elements around the story , um , and and kind of you know , pull more into that Cause . I think that's .
I feel like that's kind of what was lacking from the first time around , was it was more just kind of like hey , here's this podcast and this time it's like kind of creating the atmosphere . I love it . And in the lead , up and everything too .
Yeah , I think when you revisit stuff like that too , it's like you don't have to create the bones Now . You get to really like sculpt it better . Yes , and and make it like really more robust , which this ? It seems like it's so , like it's so in-depth in ways that you couldn't do if you were just figuring out your concept .
Yes , all that I've probably listened to the trailer like 10 times .
The trailer makes me laugh . I love it . The stranger things . Music kills me .
Oh , yeah , yeah , yeah .
No , I think like there's just so much with the , with the story , you know the , the fact that it takes place in the 80s , just you know , the cause . That takes just all the aesthetics and everything too .
But then the core of the story , like you know , like you were saying , like we have the bones there too , so we have the core that we can build off of , but then the aesthetics that's around that too , just make it a lot more fun .
You know , and it's , you know , a lot of fun kind of putting it out there , maybe too much fun , you know , with all the dancing and everything .
So , tell us a little bit about the story . What , what , where can you give us ? For those of us ?
Okay , sure , yeah , well , well , so it's this guy that that he's like in his you know , 30 , 30 something , probably young 30s , and he's really clueless person he's .
He's a person who doesn't have any desire to to think anything beyond keeping his car cleaned up and , you know , getting it fixed up and and hopefully , maybe having a date with a woman someday , you know , you know , or , or or somebody you know sounds like me . Okay , so maybe this is your story , Maybe I was so .
So the thing is he's not a very he's not very curious about the world , Right , and so he gets this job thinking and and he's not really smart , he's thinking , he's hoping with all this might that he can keep this himself together , to keep this job you know he wants . He wants to try really hard and impress the boss and all this kind of stuff .
And then little by little , and then he fucks up right away . So it is me .
This sounds like Joe .
Let me guess he gets fired , becomes a drunk and loses everything .
Oh man , that's your story . No , this is different oh .
God .
No , there is hope , because what you have to do is claw your way back in . You call the boss and you say I'll do anything , just try me again , give me another chance .
And of course they do give him a chance , but it's at a really crappy school really really crappy , really low grade and but he works his way through and he comes back and he's gets real serious about it and little by little things he starts noticing weird , weird stuff is going on with some of the other people that he works with , and , and , and at some
point Deep state chaos ensues .
Deep state chaos ensues .
Right , it's a deep state , you know , and he gets kind of kidnapped into this organization and which is really like it's really got a lot of money behind it . They own all kinds of property they own . They have all these secret organizations .
They get involved in government and all this kind of stuff , you know , and all kinds of secret things , and so they start training them to be like an operative . Okay . I love it yeah . And he and , but he's , he's kidnapped , he can never go home . He's there .
He's there and because they , they kidnap people that don't really have family , so they just kind of take them in and start indoctrinating them and he has to learn all this , all this stuff about you know , like you know all different languages , so you can , you know , if you have to go to the Middle East and talk to you know people that , like just all these
different , Do they have ?
crossing guards in the Middle East .
Of course they do . It's a deep state Come on Gina .
Everybody knows that .
Anyway , so so , so he goes on . It's really complicated . You should listen to it . It's , it's , it's , so it goes into some really crazy stories .
Absolutely .
Well , it's exciting that I want him to have a love interest . Please , whatever season , give him a love interest .
He's just trying to stay alive right now , but he does . He does have a crush on one of his . Yes , there's a crush .
He's got a crush . Yeah , so I'm a good crush . Yeah Me cute Crossing guard me cute . Yes . A deep state crossing guard Deep state crossing guard me cute , that's totally normal .
Well , she's not part of that . She's part of an organization that he escapes into who are fighting . It's really Wow , this this is deep . Yeah , it goes there's . There's some people out at war with each other , you know , and you know they're . It's so hard to , it's so much , it's , it's so deep that it's it's called a deep state for a reason .
For a reason I feel . I feel like you don't sleep with all these ideas . Is that true ? Do you sleep .
You know , yeah , sometimes OK . Yeah .
That's when the deep state starts skinning him , though .
He can only sleep for three and a half minutes at a time that's right .
That's how long it takes to track him .
I'm on the run right now .
I gotta go Talk to you guys . Hear the car sound .
So how do we never get on zoom ?
And now they found you , now they got you . So how do we find ? How do we find crossing guard tapes ?
Yeah , I mean the easiest step is is yeah , just any podcast directory like Spotify , google's there is on there . But if you go to the crossing guard tapes dot com , we have all the links there as well . But yeah , if you go to anything that like your corner , you know convenience store .
If they have podcasts , which they probably do , they probably have it as well too . I think it's all you know we probably start , you know , get it on vinyl and all that too , Like just .
I got my copy . I got my copy from a bootlegger on the street .
Yeah , I've been seeing that too . Right there , They've impressed in . Cds and everything , and I've even heard Netflix is going back to DVD right With you know that is true , that is true . And so , yeah , pretty soon , like Netflix , will you know , we'll see a field of street view physically through .
You know , I think now it's the old Wells Fargo , though stagecoach delivery .
I mean , I haven't seen it in a while , but it would have been good . Like that . Research , though , is the what was that Kevin Costner movie the Postman , like it's you know post apocalyptic oh I love that .
Yeah , I love that that movie right there , like I feel like that's , you know , paradigm for Netflix and the you know after the end times .
Thank , you so much for that .
I appreciate it , I appreciate it , I appreciate it , I appreciate it , I appreciate it , I appreciate it , I appreciate it .
Thank you so much for that . That character will now enter this episode .
No worries .
¶ Advice for Pursuing Creative Ventures
So , so with this , you know , this new venture that you guys are doing , what would you , what advice would you , give people that want to do something just so creative like what you guys are doing ?
Great question .
Yeah , I'll let Jim start with that and I can follow up too .
We know your answer SEO . Yeah , exactly .
And then you know , yeah , dancing exactly Well . Spoiler alert .
Okay , so so you're wondering what advice to give people . Is that what you're doing ?
Yeah , yeah , if somebody has an idea , a kooky idea like a crossing guard deep state . What would you tell them to do with that ?
I don't know . I mean it's like . It's like first of all , get it , get a microphone at home and make a podcast of it . First of all , write a story like write , write the story . It took me a long time to write , write the whole thing out as a full , a full story . It takes .
You know , jazz and I have been working on a lot of projects together for many years and a lot of movies and film things and we both kind of got involved in writing and so you know it's , it's like , you know you , you could always try to find someone to collaborate with . That is a writer that you could sit here . Some ideas , can you ?
Can you help me flesh them out ? I don't know , you know I mean to me that would be a good , a good place to start because because it is a lot of work to put the story together first . You know absolutely .
Yeah , no , I would echo that . I think the other thing too is , like you know , don't be precious with the drafts . Like you can still kind of keep iterating on it , especially if you're starting out too , Like for me .
When I was starting out , like you know , I was very upset that , like you know , first project I did was not like gold and it was the opposite of gold . I'll go on record and say that . I had a lot to learn . I just , you know , also had to learn that I had a lot to learn . That was you know it's .
I think Robert Rodriguez said like you know whatever I mean you know it works out to like you know , whatever medium you kind of want to work in , but his was film right and his was they . His day was like , you know , you get through like 10 , you're 10 crappy movies before you get to the 11th like decent one .
And so it's about you know , like not not being too precious , like no win , to like call a project done and going on to the next , but also at the same time not giving up too early . It's finding that sweet spot of kind of perseverance , but not like you know death grip on something . And then you know , like Jim saying , you know you , you've got to .
You know work , and I think you know podcast actually makes a lot of sense in that you can write it and kind of get through the . You know , get through the story that way and kind of see it on paper .
But then when you take it to podcast it kind of gets it a new life because you start actually really hearing the characters and you might have to go back and write again too , so don't be afraid to do that .
Which I did a lot , yeah , cause originally I wrote it as as a like a book , you know something you could read and and it just a friend of mine read it and he said you know , that would be really fun as a podcast . And it wasn't even jazz , it was another person that was on the street corner with the stop sign and where do you live ?
Well , so I was on breaks .
And yeah , it was at night . It's the night crossing .
In the inland empire .
Actually there's a podcast right there .
Crossing guards after dark , that's what we should call it .
Oh that HBO , the hardcore fans .
Yeah .
Yeah , got it .
Well , yeah , that would be great after dark and then maybe he could actually have a crush on someone and that's where you get to love it . Oh , yeah , totally , yeah , totally .
Well , it's all about him , just like stalking too , so it's actually a really dark one .
Oh my gosh , you wanted your love interest , jada .
That turns south real quick .
This is what we get .
Yeah , it's not really me cute at that point .
Oh , there's no meeting .
Well , one person's meeting Restraining order yeah , restraining order .
Cute , I like that , that's good .
It sounds exactly like my life .
Wait , it sounds like there's a lot of honking and something going on there .
Tim , are you in your car ?
Yeah .
I see a couple of crossing guards out there and there's something right . You know I might .
What are the odds of that ?
I'm just listen . I have to go outside for I'll be right back . We understand BRB , okay , Okay .
It's got to get some source material .
That's what I was thinking .
Oh jazz , how are things with you ?
I'm doing okay . You just left me in the car alone here and it's looking pretty grisly out there . What do you see ?
Yeah , give us a description .
Oh God , yeah , Jim left his phone here . I'm just going to go and check and just make sure he's okay , because Makes total sense , I'll hide the front post here . Yeah , that's what the J&J stands for is panger .
That's a Garoual tradition , right .
Exactly , exactly . Yeah , we have a lot of traditions that end up badly , but I'll be right back .
They'll be fine , Jim . Yeah , now they will .
I mean they're in a . They just left a car . It's not only they're like at home , where it's less safe .
Oh God that doesn't sound good . Jim .
I don't think you hear him from there again .
Oh , I forgot my phone . I got it All right , see you guys .
This is the song you guys died to .
I'm glad I didn't love you better . Well , it's a little too late now , so I'm drinking alone . No , I shouldn't I pick up the phone . I really shouldn't . I text you . Come on , please , just come home . I know it's not good for me to dwell on this . Don't know if heaven is real , but hell is . I swear .
If I could have anything out at one wish , do you have any with me ? But I'm drinking alone . I know I shouldn't I pick up the phone . I really shouldn't . I text you . Come on , please , just come home . Everyone tells me I gotta live , gotta move on now that you are gone , but they're not the ones underneath in the rain by a gravestone .
So I close my eyes . Then I see you keep living this life , cause I need you . I can't say goodbye . This can't be goodbye . So I drink alone , though I shouldn't keep calling your phone . I really shouldn't . I text you . Come on , come on .
Come on , come on , that was Drinking Alone by Frank . You can catch Frank on Spotify and on all social media , including Twitter , facebook and Instagram .
¶ Sandy's Hissing at Water, Unknown Threat
What's going on outside ? Sandy's hissing at something .
What is that ?
I don't know she's hissing at the water . Why is she hissing at the water ? Get back from there , come here , sandy .
Is there something coming out from the water onto the ?
I don't know , but get some Onto the mainland . Sandy get over here . Okay , okay , well , I've got her . What the hell is that , Sandy ?
it's okay . Well , I'm worried , but we're out of time , gina , so stay tuned for the afternoon drive time show On the road with Red . We're gonna play you Guys Out With we Alive by Cosmograph and hopefully we will be alive next time .
I hope so .
Well , I mean , like you wouldn't try it right , it's like the , it's like the inevitable question If you could travel through time , would you have sex with yourself ? I really have .