I mean everything!! You never feel safe interacting with this person. This is why this particular type of abuse is so exhausting. While the abuse may not be constant, the risk of it is. The potential is always there. You never know with anything you say or do if it will set them off. When you are with a covert narcissist, everything you do gets used against you. Everything you say. Everything you do. Even every kind or compassionate act you do. In this episode, I give you personal examples from ...
Sep 12, 2024•22 min•Ep. 270
An emergency situation while hiking on the Appalachian Trail resulted in an extremely normal trauma response from me. Realizing the correlations between this trauma response and my past trauma responses to covert narcissism opened my eyes. My responses to trauma are normal responses! I'm not broken. I'm not over-reactive. These situations with a covert narcissist have been traumatic, and my system responded accordingly. I hope this personal story helps you to make the same connections in your jo...
Sep 08, 2024•21 min•Ep. 269
Are you trying to decide if all you are going through is "normal," or if it is fair and reasonable? In the last two episodes, I have talked about the codependency traits that so many victims have in common and the eternal victim role that covert narcissists play. These two things get trapped together so incredibly often. On one side, you have a person who does no self-reflection, no self-improvement, and no internal work. Instead they express out all the ways they have been hurt in life. The abu...
Sep 05, 2024•21 min•Ep. 268
There is an absolute fog that comes from dealing with covert narcissism. You struggle to think straight anymore, and the mind is running in circles Many survivors ask me, "Is something wrong with me? Will I ever be normal again?" When you have been through a traumatic relationship, that trauma has an effect. I say trauma for a reason. This is not a normal relationship with its normal ups and downs. This is not a situation where you just grew apart There is an enormous difference between a disapp...
Aug 31, 2024•20 min•Ep. 267
Meet an extraordinary woman , an attorney, recipient of the governor's award for advocacy with survivors of domestic violence, and international best selling author who triumphed over narcissistic abuse, with two marriages to narcissists behind her, she harnessed the transformative power of her mind and thoughts on her path to healing and personal growth. Her transformation came when she shifted from “why me” to “for me”. Hear her incredible story today! https://www.linkedin.com/in/stephanyann?u...
Aug 29, 2024•33 min•Ep. 266
Are you finding yourself reactive? Short-tempered? At least to them? Maybe even repulsed by their presence? This is a problem. This is the person living in my house, sleeping in my bed, professing their love to me, raising my kids with me, traveling with me. I can’t live like this. This has to change! How do I get my body to stop reaching to his presence? Even if you cannot get physical space from the covert narcissist in your world, you must begin the process of getting mental and emotional spa...
Aug 25, 2024•24 min•Ep. 265
I hear so many people who have lived with a covert narcissist describe this person as a victim of everything. They can make everything be an attack on them or another way they got slighted. Covert narcissists love to play the victim role. They see themselves as an eternal victim. They will deny this of course. If you try to talk to them about it, then they will often react with sullenness and despair at how much your words are hurting them. Taking them right back into that victim role. Of course...
Aug 22, 2024•24 min•Ep. 264
Dealing with a covert narcissist is different from dealing with people who are “narcissistic”. Most of the advice out there is just for dealing with people who are narcissistic, and that’s a lot of good information. There is a problem though. Covert narcissists don’t appear narcissistic. Covert narcissists are…not blatantly narcissistic. In fact, overall seem like a really good person - present as caring, kind, generous, involved in the community, loved by those around them, a great catch They a...
Aug 18, 2024•19 min•Ep. 263
I now know the role that my own codependent tendencies played in creating this match. This match that I was convinced was made in heaven. This match that I truly believed was perfect. This match that was such a disaster. This match that nearly destroyed my own health and the lives of my boys. I realize now how much my own background played a part in all of this. How that very background could cause me to easily repeat this pattern, like so many do. So many victims leave one abusive relationship ...
Aug 15, 2024•21 min•Ep. 262
I am not a therapist, and you are not a victim. I am an advocate, and you are a survivor. I have faced the massive amounts of confusion I have been curled up on the floor of my closet unable to function I have faced all the self-doubt and self-blame. I've never tried so hard in anything in my life as I did at this marriage This is not a normal relationship, a normal marriage, or a normal breakup. Fortress Debt can help you gain your financial freedom! www.covertnarcissism.com/fortress I am Renee...
Aug 11, 2024•17 min•Ep. 261
The entitlement of a narcissistic person screams, "I am special simply because! I am better than everyone. I am more important than everyone. Everyone knows I am special and should treat me as such." Individuals with narcissistic tendencies expect special treatment. They feel that good things should come their way simply because of who they are. Not because of anything they have or haven't done, but rather just because they "deserve" it. They believe that they are superior to others and thus des...
Aug 09, 2024•23 min•Ep. 70
Today we're talking about the thousand bee stings in a relationship with a covert narcissist. Actually we are not talking about the thousand bee stings because that's not what the actual problem is. We are talking about what happens between the bee stings. Healthy marriages have bee stings too, but healthy marriages reconcile. With covert narcissists, there is no reconciliation. You are met with circular conversations, silent treatment, blame shifting, gaslighting and passive aggressiveness. I a...
Aug 04, 2024•18 min•Ep. 259
Covert narcissists are experts at passive aggressiveness. They have this down so well. As a victim of the abuse, we are so conditioned that we don’t see it! Cognitive dissonance keeps us blind to so much for so long. I tell you now though, once you start to see what is going on, you cannot unsee it. Once you cross that threshold, you can’t go back. The door behind you closes and locks. Can you put the passive aggressive behavior into words? Can you describe it, define it, explain it? Can you giv...
Aug 01, 2024•30 min•Ep. 258
Rebecca Zung is a top ranked trial lawyer and globally sought after expert in the art of high conflict negotiation resolution. Speaking on platforms worldwide, she is also a bestselling author of several books including the USA Today National Bestselling book SLAY the Bully: How to Negotiate with a Narcissist and Win. In this episode, she shares her views on negotiating with a covert narcissist. For more information on her program, check out her site here. Crush My Negotiation Prep Worksheet (Fr...
Jul 28, 2024•31 min•Ep. 69
I was so excited for the day that my husband was to move out of our home. I just knew how happy I would be. You could not erase the smile off my face as he was loading his last load. Finally!! This day was here. He would no longer be in my home. My home!! That sounded so amazing. He drove off with his last things. I just knew I would be dancing in the street. But I wasn’t. I was overwhelmed with emotions I didn’t expect. I dropped on my bed and sobbed. I cried for many days. Why? This isn’t what...
Jul 25, 2024•24 min•Ep. 256
Narcissistic people need two dominant things: supply and scapegoats. They need someone who cares for their every need and want. This supply feeds their ego, boosting them up, laughing at all of their jokes, hanging on every word they say, and giving them all of their attention. In addition, they need scapegoats. Nothing is ever their fault, so they need somewhere for their blame to go, all the time. Everything that has ever gone wrong in their life is to be blamed on someone or something else. C...
Jul 21, 2024•18 min•Ep. 255
I get asked frequently, how do I heal from this? How do you ever get over it? How do you move forward? Will I ever trust again? Can I have a healthy relationship? These are excellent questions and they go through the minds of many victims of covert narcissistic abuse. The journey is tortuously painful and can seem completely unending. It feels like it will simply last forever. Not only is there no end in sight, there isn’t even a simple path going forward. If I do this, if I do that, if I go thi...
Jul 18, 2024•21 min•Ep. 254
"I don't know myself anymore. I don't recognize me. Who am I? I didn't used to be this way. What happened?" Are you asking these questions? Have you become someone that you don't recognize anymore? You are certainly not alone! The behaviors of covert narcissism are destructive, manipulative, antagonistic, harmful, coercive, abusive, and emotionally violent. These behaviors leave deep wounds in the victims. This changes you, their target, in two dominant ways. The first is that these wounds cause...
Jul 14, 2024•20 min•Ep. 253
Today’s guest is Vanessa Reiser, a narcissistic abuse expert. Vanessa is a mother, author, entrepreneur, 2X Ironman and ground-breaking licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), specializing in narcissistic and cult abuse. She is also the founder of Tell a Therapist, LLC and is best known for her run across the state of New York (285 miles in 11 days) in a wedding dress to raise awareness for narcissistic abuse. She also subsequently ran across NJ, CT & MA. Her insights are both personal and p...
Jul 11, 2024•29 min•Ep. 252
Bullying is not a kid’s problem. Someone recently said to me that it is. They said that we deal with bullies in our childhood. Teen years, there may be a few bullies here and there, but not really. By adulthood, we are past all that kid stuff. That got me thinking. Really? Are we really past all the bullying behavior in adulthood? So I looked up the definition of bullying. Bullying is the use of force, coercion, hurtful teasing or threat, to abuse, aggressively dominate or intimidate. The behavi...
Jul 07, 2024•21 min•Ep. 251
When friends and family members don't understand the abuse we are enduring from covert narcissism, this adds to the pain and confusion we are already experiencing. Their dismissiveness of the abusive behavior only compounds our frustration. They often dismiss it, not to add to our pain, but in an attempt to keep the peace and move on. When our loved ones see the small glimpses of abusive behavior, they conclude that these are isolated events and suggest that we treat them as such. However, we kn...
Jul 04, 2024•22 min•Ep. 250
I sure don't need a diagnosis to know what I've been through. When I first read the words about covert narcissism, I immediately knew that I had found an answer to what was going on. The words resonated SO deeply in my heart that it was both painful and freeing. When the words line up, you just know it. When you read or hear something that describes exactly what you have been living through, you recognize it for what it is. Instantly. The words simply connect with something deep inside you. In f...
Jun 30, 2024•21 min•Ep. 249
Listening to some music the other day, a song came on that really spoke to me. It was by Jelly Roll and titled “I Am Not Okay.” I can’t speak for Jelly Roll, but as a victim of covert narcissism, these lyrics could not have been more fitting. I am not okay I'm barely getting by I'm losing track of days I'm losing sleep at night I am not okay I'm hanging on the rails So if I say I'm fine just know I learned to hide it well. I know I can't be the only one who's holding on for dear life But I know ...
Jun 27, 2024•10 min•Ep. 248
If you ever want a covert narcissist to talk about you, point out something they have done that upset you. See how their language changes. They live a very me-focused life. Until you come to that moment in the conversation where an apology from them should be. Then their script changes, and they become very you-focused. "You made me mad. You hurt my feelings. You told me to help you." As soon as you take their bait and start defending yourself, then the language switches back to their me-focused...
Jun 23, 2024•18 min•Ep. 247
THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU!! •The way they talk to you •The way they treat you •The reactions they have •The looks •The silent treatment •The circular conversations from •The abuse •All of it It was never about you. You need to know that. You need to hear what I am saying. If you want to find healing inside of you, this is so vitally important. This experience you have been through, the pain, the anguish, the anxiety, none of it had anything to do with you. I’m Renee Swanson, creator of the Covert...
Jun 20, 2024•24 min•Ep. 246
Time doesn't heal all wounds, effort does. You can't lay around and wait for a broken leg to heal. It takes doctor visits and physical therapy visits. If you just wait for time to heal it, you will face residual pain and issues for the rest of your life. Negative feelings are normal along the way, such as regret, frustration, self-judgment, despair, impatience and caution. An abused and beaten heart is no different. Time won't heal it. It takes effort, purposeful healing and work. Get on the jou...
Jun 16, 2024•18 min•Ep. 245
When you’ve been living with a covert narcissist for many years, your self-care is almost non-existent. You don’t have the time, energy, mental capacity, or freedom to take care of yourself. Any efforts at self-care may have been labeled as selfish. Over the years, you've paid a high price for trying to even do the bare minimum of caring for yourself. It just isn't worth the price. Robbing you of the right to care for yourself is abuse! No one should ever have the right to take that away from yo...
Jun 13, 2024•22 min•Ep. 244
"I love you" does not mean the same thing coming out of a covert narcissist as it does when you say it. For non-narcissistic people, "I love you" means I care about your thoughts and feelings. I love when you are happy, peaceful and relaxed. I want what is best for you. I care about you. For a covert narcissist, "I love you" is not quite the same. For them, it means I love how YOU make ME feel. I love what you do for ME. I love the attention that you give ME. I love it when you are happy with ME...
Jun 09, 2024•19 min•Ep. 243
Survivors of covert narcissistic abuse feel like they are going crazy. They often tell me that they are losing their mind. They don’t know which end is up, what reality is or what to do next. They are often frozen in self-doubt and confusion. This is because of cognitive dissonance. In this episode, I am going to help you understand what cognitive dissonance is, why it happens, and what to do about it. Cognitive dissonance is when a single individual holds conflicting attitudes or beliefs within...
Jun 06, 2024•26 min•Ep. 242
Trauma causes people to make changes in the way they interact with their world. Emotional abuse is traumatic. It takes away one's perception of safety. When we experience trauma, our system will work hard to re-establish a perceived sense of safety. Thus we pick up survival skills that can become walls between us and others. What behaviors do we pick up in response to covert narcissistic abuse? What about our kids? What traits are they picking up? It is so crucial to do some trauma healing, for ...
Jun 02, 2024•20 min•Ep. 241
