A Look Back At... Some Of Our Favourite Guests

This is the Christy Swan shows a while since we've had a proper guest that we love song.

And here she is.

That's brutal to whoever your last guest was.

Who was it?

I don't even remember.

Oh my gosh, that's going on my next poster. More love than it's nice to see your eyeballs is? I didn't make myself.

I didn't.

I didn't get to see L's eyeballs because she had sunglasses on the whole time. Oh an icon, Hey, I haven't been paying attention.

You are?

What do you mean? Thank you? Sorry all the time?

What is it with working dog working?

All these love them more than anything in the world than my comedy heroes and bosses and I owe them everything. Make the most incredible shows. They are responsible for so much of a comedy landscape in this country.

Titles their titles suck.

Thank god to hear no one can remember it. My mum still thinks it's called what have you come as? Have you been paying attention? Is like, oh, you're on that show? What's the news this week? Like it's just so The Blue Door One? Thank god you here is the Blue Door One?

Yes that I host?

Can we talk about Virginia guy.

Yes, we can so tonight's episode. We have such a fun line up. We have Virginia Gay, He'll turnament, Susan Yusef, Susi Usef who you would know from the project, and a million other things. Her first time through the door, Lloyd Langford done it so many times, our favorite Welshman in partner of Anne Edmonds. Yes, and Ray O'Leary other New Zealand comedian who was on the show last time. So much fun, such a really great bunch. But yeah, Virginia Gay, if you were living under a rock last season,

I think does she get like a get a lot of that.

It's really warm and tight and like earth mother Earth kinds of seels.

I'm loving this season of Thank God You're Here.

I've got to say my favorite so far has been Jillian Cosgriff last week.

So yeah, she's said the first time on the show, and she just got it. She was just in this character like I couldn't write something that funny if I'd spent a month scripting it, and she just just she was so her scene was in a courtroom and we brought out a larmer and she was like a fake wellness person and she was just stunning.

Go and check it out.

I seen it on the Instagram.

I want to ask, are you ever involved in the scenarios that are brought to the show, Like, what's what's the meeting? Like with all those working dog top dogs? Do they just sit in a room and brainstorm together.

I love that you think that I'm included in that.

I love it.

I'm not at all. I have no idea who the guests are going to be and the scenario is going to be. I'm finding out like the day before, because I need to know because sometimes there's a special entrance or I have to make sure they don't bump into the alpaca. That's yeah, yeah, but no, I don't have a saying it. But I think about that as well, how much fun that meeting would be when they sit in there and they go, right, this season, what are

I feel like it's weird as the host to go through now as well. We've got to keep that separate.

I mean, look, I had the same problem with mass Singer.

Once I was yeah, once I was guessing, you know, the fourth member of Destiny's Child, I just blew any arts of me being inside the giants.

It was very sad. I wanted to do both.

Can you sing yes?

She'll say no no.

I do sing all the time. I've got a microphone set up in my kitchen for singing.

Yeah, where does it amplify to just for your family?

An amplifier is plugged in and sometimes I'm just humming a song. I'll go this, this needs to get out, getting on the MARKEROPHE through the bluetooth and I sing it please on the door.

Hell, I'm getting another call about your girls. Just want to have fun?

Can you please stop singing the Doobie Brothers before.

We go to a song.

We really need to talk about the logis because we haven't seen you since this moment seven.

I still can't quite believe it. You know, when you have a night out and the next day you're like, that can't have happened. How I think that happened?

And you made a memore.

Live television? Did I know that I made a swear? It just it just came out in my fence. It was midnight and it was It was very funny in the room. I'm not embarrassed at all. It was proud of it.

It made the night.

You should be made the night for the fifteen people who were still watching, all of.

Us in the room having just sit you know, it.

Was so what happened was the auto que was wrong. Okay, so I read the wrong thing, but I knew it was wrong, and I think my just good girl of like, I can't get I don't want to get in trouble. I don't want people to think that I made a mistake. So what my brain handed me in that moment was to go. And it was like I took a breath too.

It was some.

It wasn't just like what expeded funny in the room funnier. I think watching it back because the edit of it like they almost cut me off, like it's so close to not hearing it. And the first category, the first nominee was love Me, a show that I'm in weirdly, and the mees timed up like someone at Channel seven has f love me.

Anyway?

Did the exec get matter you? Did anyone at seven say anything?

No?

I mean, I'm in no danger of getting a job at Channel seven any times, so that is fine. But I was on having been paying attention. On the other day. They made me merch. They may be my own merch. They gave me a t shirt and a tote bag that says someone And I think we're considering what's happening over there. There might be a bit of a market for this merch.

Absolutely, cy Swan show.

Has hung around. Well, we had somebody you were a quizzy question? Was this week?

Yes in our little quizzy? Oh right to that? And oh my god, it's been a very long day for me anyway. The pronunciation of your name, it never gets old.

It's very funny because it doesn't bother me at all. It's Pecola, it's Italian. But honestly, whatever you say, I'm coming out, well you.

Accept What did she say, Cecilia?

Who's it? Did someone say a caller in a christ question?

When thank God you're here? She knew you though, she just didn't know how to say your name.

Funny. But my favorite one was lovely Adam Rosenbacks, who's a comedian. Was m seeing a gig?

Was it him?

Maybe it was Mick Bully, I can't remember, but it was a long time ago, and they introduced me and not it was him as Pokowski Celia Pokowski, and I really liked it because it made me sound like sipper Wits, Like I felt like I was like a New York detective.

Yeah give me your bed, Yeah, come out.

Play by your own ruleski out on the stage.

And I'm very lucky as well that I'm I think there's a few Celia's. So if it's Celia, you know there was one. There was a singer. There was a reality show singer who was a Celia p who was more famous than me. I can't remember who.

Yeah, not more famous than you. I don't know it.

I want to talk about your hoop earrings?

Do you like it?

I just walked in like hoops and I'm in my hoop earring era?

Do I like them? I'm every day the thirty years.

Do you have a range of hoops though? Or is it this this gold hoop that I'm looking at right now?

Every day?

I go once a year to le Lisa of the three pairs for five dollars sale, and I buy fifteen pairs right and I just have them monoormentating.

Can I tell you how much I love her peerings because I have a toddler. Do you know the risks that I am taking wearing grabby hands and I could lose a lobe any day?

Those greedy eyes they see them bang.

I've lent it to the giant hoops. Here's what happened is I had an event, and right before I went on stage, if someone said to me, you've lost an earring. So I did a whole gig with just one hoop, but it was a medium sized hoop, so my that well no, My response to that was like, right, I need them to be so big that I'm noticeably going to start walking in the circle if someone one of them falls off.

I went really big ones.

I think beyoncey what in one decade went super super big.

Like massive, Yeah, and I knew. I knew that it was too big.

When when I was shrugging it nearly dislike it, nearly all my Yeah, you know.

I'm really into it. I don't I thought I would be thank you everybody.

But they're the like reverse one.

Well, I don't know. No, they're just big, chunky ones. But they're also from an excellent shop in the city. Oh no, its because I just twisted. It was like a death becomes Her moment, which I just way, absolutely no, They're just no normal hoops, everybody.

Now, I'm cleaning my bench, weird flexure. I do all my thinking when I'm cleaning cleaning my bag, and I came.

Up with a joke out of the blue, my very first and probably last joke ever.

You say funny things all the time. I think actual set up, punchline.

Joke, an actual joke. And it just came to me.

And I came to work the next day and I said to Jack, it was so good, I think I should have a comedy festival show. Right, you know you just got to it's why it's a start, okay. And he said, well, Celia's coming in. Why don't you see how good it is and pay it to a real bona fide.

Two things you haven't heard thee I have not heard the joke.

I want to hear it in real time.

And you've recorded it yourself on your microphone of your microphones.

I love microphones. I've got microphones everywhere. I recorded it in the microphone out there.

All right, I will give you my next opinion. Do you see the stress in my face when someone's gone, this is a joke, Like, even if it's a very good joke, I might react weird?

Okay, great, I'm pressing play.

Okay, okay, yep, I'll give you the context.

That's my easy to the show with only one single joke delivered by the first lady of Lady Madness Chrissy s.

Hi. Everyone is so great to see you or thank you so much for coming out.

So what have I been up to? Well? I am single now, yes, I hope, yes, that's right and thanks to that.

Yes single, and everyone is just so interested what happened?

How are you? Are you on the apps?

Have you met anyone? Well, I can tell you. I am on the apps. Well, I'm on.

One app specifically, and we all know that one, don't we? Yes, you know the one full of middle aged.

People offering their wares.

Keen as beans.

They are, my god, yep, I'm on gum Tree. And I did meet someone actually, a lovely gent called Glenn from Redhill, when I swiped right on his delightful collection of mid century souvenir tea spoons.

Thank you so much.

That's the joke.

Also, I'll be the front signing rubbish that I found from around my house and eleven year old copies of my book good Night.

Oh My. I don't know where to start with this, because the production effort that you've gone to creating your own audience, I thought you were gonna you were going to appear as your own heckler at some point just to make.

It feel look in fan, I didn't. I didn't do that.

You're very kind to yourself because I imaginary audience were loving it.

They loved it, didn't they?

I mean, it's it's definitely a joke, thank you.

Do you know what?

I will say, it's a good joke, but it just left me too long to guess what it was. I would just edit it, go on on the apps. You know, great, just needs an edit.

That's a good job.

Great, And that's a quicker show for you with your one joke.

Fantastic.

I'd be home for to be honest.

Thank got to here.

And as a professional comedian, I wish all comedy shows with one joke.

The Creasy Swan Show, The Creasy Swan Show.

We are so thrilled to welcome to the studio Felicity Ward.

Hello, Hello, how are you chripy?

It's such a thrill to see you, Irl. I've been stalking you like a mad woman.

Than I appreciate that. What have you garnered from stalking me?

Bitch can move.

Chris came into the office.

She's like Jack, You've got to watch Felicity Ward doing jazz ballet on our Instagram.

Yeah, I'm jazz ballet till I die mate like ninety two Peninsula School of Dance and Drama. I just shout out, miss Angela, she yelled at us. I would say abusively for a couple of years. Mum was always late dropping us off, like always, and Miss Angel's like, and You're like, I am eleven yelling, and that's exactly right. Yes, But I just I love the expression on your face when you're doing it.

I love the busies, bouncing, all of it.

Jazz ballet is in your like once you get trained in jazz ballet, it's very hard, like if I'm trying to do any other kind of dance. I like to think occasionally of myself as someone who can dance, but every now and again, like I just want to.

I just want to do a split leap.

I just want to, like my my I have very good like extension, good straight lines, you know, and that's not very hip hop to have straight lines from long, gentle extensions.

I want to. I want to acknowledge that we have a professional dance.

I didn't tap in jars on the Peninsula growing up, and then I ended up at the Victorian. I went to a school called Lada School of Dance. I can still have.

My God, I don't know if I can still do that for anyone I'm about to nearly.

Nearly can I that tell you that?

Okay, So, Felicity war just extended her leg up and one of the one of the things that I've seen in my life that lives in my head.

Rent Free, Oh, I think I know what you're gonna say is and I think that it's so weird.

I think that this this image comes into my mind at least once a week, once a fortnight, yes, years ago, a stand up.

And yes, about a cat, about a cat flicking itself. Yes, And I every time I see a cat a little thought bubble of oh my god.

Really going for it with the leg extended. There was into my head.

Well that was a jazz ballet leg.

Of course it was cat leg. There was.

There was a couple of photos of that, and for years it just haunted me on the Internet where people go, oh, you know, Felicity Wards appearing in this and it was just me pretending to lick myself out a cat, And it's my own fault, like I got no one else to blame.

Let's be honest.

It haunts you and it haunts me.

Stay speaking of amazing things that the Felicity Ward is doing.

The office drops today on Prime video.

Go and watch it all eight episodes.

You can binge it today.

Oh that is good, we say.

I coined the phrase, which it's quite you can have a cringe binge binge eight episodes are going. Oh no, when this opportunity came up, when I presume your agent call and said, look I've got something. Yeah, will you like I hope I get it? Yeah, look you will know this, chrissy.

But when you have been.

Around a few years auditions, I'm not being rude. Don't excite me anymore because I assume that I'm not going to get them, or even if I get them, it won't go ahead. Or it goes ahead, but then it gets thwarted at some point. And yeah, that's the bit that people don't see it, like Simon has gone.

Is like sex in a long term relationship. Yeah, like if you again, I'll do what you want me to do. If you get it.

Great, like no one expected that, very low expectations like hey, good for you, thank you. Yes, I would like to be paid, so so like when the audition came up, I was like, oh, okay, and then then it was a call back, and then it was like chemistry tests, and then then it was such a long process. Before I got the part, I'd sort of forgotten about it, and then I got the call and I had to cry.

I of course you.

Are stepping into the shoes of David Brant. I mean that's the that's the role.

Yep.

Do you have a favorite Office because it's it's always a great dinner party conversation.

Which series is your favorite apart from the Australian.

One apart from the Australian Man. There's two things to say here. Number one, I had never seen an episode of The American Office until we'd finished filming ours. I'd never seen it.

Wow, and then I got back to oh. And also, on the last day of filming our ones, they're all original scripts, so there's nothing from or storyline scripts, characters, they are all original, right. But on the last day of filming our one, we did a couple of like some of the more like the famous monologues, just in case they ended up going, you know what, we do want to use that because I don't because I don't live in Australia, so they were like covering their bases.

Oh my god, that's me.

And then I went, I should probably watch some of The American Office I started from season two.

Look, I'm very glad I didn't watch it.

Before we fled, because I'm like, Stephen Carrell is a very American.

I've watched. I've watched one and absolutely loved it. And there's a little narrative in it.

I really loved where someone is trying to flog some office chairs on eBay. Oh yeah, and it made me wonder, what's the weirdest thing you've bought or sold online for a city ward?

Have you ever made a weird purchase?

I don't know if I've made a weird purchase. I mostly just buy clothes or sell clothes. It's the pick up that drives me, Like you know, to Facebook.

No no, So when you're selling clothes, are people coming together them or are you posting it now?

We're posting it?

Oh yes?

Oh mate. So there's like there's Vinted which is out. We've got deepop as well, and yes they've got Vinted. That's what That's what I mostly buy and sell on. It's absolutely fair.

I mean, the best thing that ever came out of COVID was the word contactless and felicity.

The doorstep.

Thank you so much for coming in the office is available on Prime Video from today. And in honor of David Brent and the Office and your new role and your jazz ballet background, will you please be upstanding?

Oh I think I know what you're gonna do.

Thank you so much.

Welcome the Crispy Swan Show.

We're thrilled to welcome Kitty Flanagan, Mike Plane, Hello, Kitty, Hello, I'm here you.

Are, and Fisk is also here back for a third season.

Is back and as the kids would say, dropping a week at a time, one episode at a time.

I've got a couple of things on in the press release.

Have you read it?

By the way, do you read your press release?

Oh?

I'm sure I write them. Chrissy hit me.

This one says starring one of Australia's favorite comedians, which is undoubtedly true.

It could be Aaron Chen, could be March she Gold, could be me. We don't know which one that is.

I was going to say, who would you add to that list?

Be any or all of us? Reese Nicholson is appearing this time round, Tom Ballard, Ballad's appearing, and Edmunds. I mean, she'd be up there as my favorite comedian.

Oh god, we love her too.

Is there anything better than a loose cannon she? I think she's this country's Will Ferrell. She's just she does random shouting, she does loose cannon work. She's she's unreal. She's in a couple of episodes. She's coming up in episode three next week and episode five as well's.

I'm gonna put that in the diary. Big news for Helen.

Your character such a sensible name. There's no other name for her. There's a coffee machine. She's organized a coffee machine. Do you have a coffee.

Machine and is it very important to you and your sanity?

Okay, so I'm a bit of a dag. I really like filter coffee. I've got a filter coffee machine.

Like the American ones with the paper filter.

Yeah. Yeah, I've got one of those.

Do you I had one, but I had to put in like four cups of coffee.

Well, it's called a mock a master. I think it's Dutch, so I have a nice Dutch coffee of a morning. But yeah, it's it's I really like it smooth because I drink black coffee, so I don't put milk in it, so I need it nice and smooth.

Oh, I like this element. Speaking of the brown suit, it's back. I've got a suggestion for series four. Okay, yeah, because.

I don't want to like yuck Helen's yum. Do you know that?

But I like it.

So when you yuck someone's yum, it's like they she likes that brown suit. I'm not going to yuck that it's her yum. But I want to suggest something, maybe even for weeknds Helen could mix it up with this brown, same brown, so she's comfortable.

CORDI ROI.

Overall, well, I'm loving all of that. I love an overall and I love a fabric that talks when you walk, and that is called GIROI for me the King's fabric. Apparently that's what it means, really called de Roy King.

Hey. Speaking of fashion.

In EP one, You Are Mudy, sheer Gold's character Ray reveals that he's seen a fashion psychologist. Yes, correct, I like me some fashion, but I've never heard of a fashion psychologist.

Where did this come from?

Look, we were inspired by life, but I won't say by who know who. They're kind of out there.

He's a fashion psychologist.

Yes, they tell you it's they help you discover what's on the inside through what's on the outside that I can ever quite get my head around. It's basically like they judge you what you wear. That's the wrong way.

The mean girls at school, but they make money from it.

Yes, I'd be really good at that.

You're my fashion psychologist. You are. I'm like, is this okay? You always tell me.

You look at that and you go, oh, okay, Chris, is this type of person or that type of person looking at what they're wearing?

You can see the childhood trauma and that dnim try it out now.

By am by accident double denim?

Is that by accident or by design?

No, that is by accident. I was leaving the house and I just threw this on.

It is double denim. And they're not the same denim. Do I end it all today or do.

You get a scene? I dog so you can find how.

That was an accident? Total accident like. They're both very denim like. It's not like there's a bit of denim.

I was just wearing this and then I came downstairs and the only jacket on the hook was this one, and I went, I was stuff it all right?

You did it in a rush, then, not by accident, rush, you did it in a rush. I'll forgive that.

Thank you. Kim planning.

It says a lot about your personality, doesn't it. You're rushing, You're always late. You need to be prepared earlier.

Correct, Correct, that is exactly me.

Fis season three, Sunday's at eight o'clock on ABC TV, catch up on ABC I View. We also need to speak about have you been paying attention the season finale eight four tonight on ten?

You're on it? Who else is there?

I'm on it? Ray O'Leary, the deadpan New Zealand. It everybody's favorite who looks a lot like me in a weird w ome my favorite. And Edmonds is on Sam and Ed of course. And the master Stroke it's Larry mda as our guest quiz master. Oh yeah, I won't lie. I really lost my mind when I knew Larry wasn't big Larry you winner. Yeah, Larry well deserved. He's a lovely man.

He is the Chrissy Swan show.

We're thrilled the Kitty Flanagan is sticking around there.

You do a podcast with the great Dave O'Neil I do called the Junkies, and we are going to hijack that concept for a game.

Of jeez shippy choices.

We get down to the supermarket and all the new weird and wacky and wonderful flavors.

All right, I've sliced the bags open for you.

Thank you.

I'm that sort of woman.

Have you sliced them open or have you just had to go at them before you gave them to me?

I haven't, and I should have no.

All right, So what we want you to do is take one, whichever one you want. And now that's what the flavor is and then give us your review.

Okay, I'm going to go for the twisty sweet and sour because I have seen this some flavor in the shops and they've changed the bag.

Did it used to be blue and white? Yes, yes, that was the one I was asking.

And they've changed the bag, and so I'm interested to see why. I'm thinking maybe they're trying to make it a permanent fixture.

I think they're trying to make it more obvious because the blue and white one reminded me of Zaltan from Big.

She's giving it a good sniff yep.

Okay, so this is sweet and sour, and I can smell the vinegar in there. Oh nice, and a little bit tomatoe as well, a little bit like atomic tomato sandboy chip. Nothing better. Yeah, I'm going for the crunch. If you don't like people crunching on the microphone, turn away.

Now you do it very.

Daintily, because I hate it, but she does it in a great fashion.

Yeah, Now, I kind of like it. It kind of works all right. It's weird. I think it's like a sweet and sour sauce that you might get at McDonald's that you dip your things into your nugs, like that sweet and sour source because I can't quite put my finger on it's not quite Asian, but it's.

A it's a glow. It's like sampang.

Half good enough that I finished the twisty.

Oh that's good. It's a glowing recommendation. What are we moving on to the next?

All right, I'm going to move on to thee the tree of cheeses.

Okay, so this makes me nervous because anything we cheese involved in a chip reminds me of sick.

Yeah, yeah, I agree.

That funny little smell that comes out of your belly button and your tone, you know what I mean. Yeah, there's a wrong cheese and weirdly for me the top of my ear.

Right, you really put me off. Now I might move to a different.

Red rock.

I need to hear what it's like.

And what are the cheeses cheed up?

Amazon and Bree? Now, I think we'll be hard pressed to taste the bree Harmazon's always the strongest one. Yes, just having a good sniff.

How's the odor?

Now, I'll just give you a bit of a bit of a tip from an expert in order to really smell the flavor. Often you have to lick the chip first. Then's my Okay, oh god, that's strong. Yeah, the parmesan is strong in this one. Okay, the cheddar is also there, but again, the bree is not there. I will take a bite just because I'm professional. Please, I don't really want to.

Oh okay, that is not a glowing recommendation at all.

They're too much for me. Okay, but then I don't eat cheese, so I.

Like cheese either.

My sister does love these chips, though, she's always buying them.

Okay, well, so they're not for you, but that doesn't mean they're not for everyone.

They're not for me. But I'm going to take them because my sister arrives, so that's kind of a win.

We've got one more.

Oh, I'm excited about this one too, because I love a Smith's chip.

This is a weird inspired by Squid Game.

Is the flavor of squid death.

Flavor of murder ummy front man fried chicken? Whatever? That means that I've not watched squid Game. They're a smith chip.

They're only going to take a bite of that and then die.

There's going to be a weird sort of what happens in squid game.

No, someone shoots you, shoots you?

Yeah, I do have a rifle stand by.

M m oh, that's not nice. I don't like that at all.

So it's not fried chicken.

Well it is fried chicken, but I don't like fried chicken.

Yeah.

I can really taste the oil and the fry.

Eat it any It's crispy.

The good crumb Smith is always a good crumch no question, one of the best. And crinkle cut that's very deep fried. Yeah, that is there.

You say that as if it's a bad thing.

Yeah, well, I mean they've nailed it. If they're going for front Man for dead Man, fried chicken, whatever it is.

You are a delight.

I'm going to go straight down and and definitely buy the sweet and sour ones, and I would buy the I would take those cheese ones, but obviously they're going to your beautiful sister and Kitty.

Don't forget to take the brown overalls for Helen to wear in season four?

Are you jaking?

You must?

You must?

Can I have those?

Yes?

There a gift for you.

Oh my god, I'm in heaven.

Fis Season three airs Sundays at eight pm on ABC TV.

And ABC I View.

Chrissy Swan Show is a Nova podcast.

For more great comedy shows like this, head to Nova podcast dot com.

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