Hey fam Today, on the bright Side, we are unpacking the ghosting phenomenon and answering all your questions about what to do when it happens to you, Because what's scarier than being left on red?
Y'all.
Our guide on this journey through scary dating etiquette is dating coach and bright Side bestie, Sabrina Zohar. It's Tuesday, October twenty ninth. I'm Simone Boyce, I'm.
Danielle Robe and this is the bright Side from Hello Sunshine, a daily show where we come together to share women's stories, to laugh, learn and brighten your day. So it's officially spooky season and we couldn't think of a better time to dive into one of the creepiest trends in dating ghosting mm hmm.
It is the ultimate disappearing act. For those who don't know, ghosting is when someone just vanishes from your life without a trace, no texts, no calls, no explanations. It's like they were never there. But it just leaves you feeling all sorts of confused.
It's so scary, it's really really freaky, and we're gonna try and sort out all that confusion.
Today.
You might remember our next guest Sabrina Zohar, from a past episode where we unpacked relationship red flags. Well, she's back for another round of Catching Feelings, where we dig into all things dating and relationships.
And lucky for us, Sabrina is back to help us decode why people ghost, whether it's ever permissible, and we'll chat about some classic ghosting scenarios and hopefully give you some answers as to how to navigate this.
I think we have to discuss just how pervasive this is because Forbes magazine did a survey that found that seventy six percent of people dating are affected by ghosting.
Well, with those kind of numbers, I think we should just get into it. Sabrina Zohar, welcome back to the bright Side.
Hey, girls, have sonsity to be back.
It's so fun to have you in person.
I am so excited. We're gonna have a good talk today.
Oh yeah, Okay, So today we're diving into a topic that everybody and their mama has an opinion on, including my mama ghosting.
Boo, Happy Halloween.
So you've talked about this topic a ton on The Sabrina Zohar Show, and I think more broadly too, what we're talking about is dating etiquette.
Yeah, I think you know. Here's the thing with ghosting is, to your point, everyone has an opinion on it, everyone has a thought on it, and everybody has a definition on it. And so for me, when I look at ghosting, it's like I'm looking at objectively as an abrupt ending in the middle of a relationship. That's just the definition. If we're going to look it up, I'm like, you know, whatever the fucks website, But what we really want to
start to look at is like, wait a minute. There's a lot of nuance though, because we have to remember too. If we just go around and say, like I just keep getting ghosted, I keep getting ghosted, it's like, what do I think that's doing to your mental health? What do you think that's doing to your psyche? And then we have to kind of look and say, what's my part in this? What's the other person? There's just a
lot of variables. So I'm excited for us today to at least be able to just click ref I some things and hopefully release some of the tension and anxiety that comes with dating, because I think there's so much fear that they're gonna get ghosted that inadvertently you're like, oh, which comes first to the chicken or the egg? Well, it kind of just like popped up.
I remember all of a sudden, my girlfriends were talking about being ghosted, and I don't know if it was happening and we just didn't have a term for it, or if all of a sudden it started happening.
My first ghosting experience happened when I was twenty and I lived in New York, so many moments ago, and online dating had just become a thing, and so it was like, Okay, I'd been dating this guy for six weeks. We had been intimate, like we were seeing each other, and that night we had plans to go out. And I saw him in the morning, like we were walking in the city and I saw him and I was with my friends, and he gave me this big hug and kiss. Babe, I can't wait to see you tonight.
I'm so excited. I'm gonna meet all your friends. And I never heard from the guy again, like never, Like I went to that Psycho and I went to the party. I remember, like I took myself out to dinner and text him like, hey, babe, borre it out, I'll see you in a bit and like nothing, and then just the whole night being like I'm so confused what happened. And then maybe two weeks later I saw him on the street and it's like you live in my neighborhood,
Like plan this a little bit better. And I just remember I flicked him off when I walked by and I just called him. I just screamed out I was a coward and I crossed the street. And then I got a text from him and he was like, I apologize. What I did was cowardice. I owe you an explanation. Never got that explanation, but really at the time, I just remember being like I don't understand this. And that was my first time saying like, oh so this is ghosting,
got it? And then it kept happening or like what's that? Not really? No, I'm for me. It happened to maybe a couple more times than these were real people that like I met in person, and like we see higher opportunity for ghosting is usually when people come in real quick, they leave real quick. And so my mom always to say, when you started a hundred, where else are you going
to go? And so when we see that ghosting behavior really comes because like if we look at it psychologically, right, if we really peel back the layers and like what is ghosting and why do people do it? A lot of the times it's either like a fear of confrontation. A lot of people don't want to deal with somebody else's emotions. It could be emotional a availability like you're upset. I now have to deal with your being upset. I don't want to deal with that or this. It's easier,
I don't owe you anything. It's like, okay, is that how you want to live your life? Because that's personally not how I want to live my life. So if I'm at least going to be talking to somebody or interacting with them and spending my time with this person, I'm going to let them know if I don't want to continue. Yeah.
I think also ghosting can happen whenever it's kind of like the simple, clean way to make a cut, like if you don't want to engage in a back and forth with that person about the reasons why it's not working out. I feel like some people choose ghosting because it seems like a more straightforward option.
It goes back to like, oh, it's easier, and it's like okay. So here is my thoughts on ghosting when it comes to like proper dating etiquette. If there's a mutual fizzle, Like if I go on a date with somebody and they just never call me and I don't call them, I'm not going to say that person ghosted me. It's like, well, am either one of us reached out to each other. Yeah. If I've gone out with someone and they're like, hey, you know they text you at and iight like, hey, you know how to great time?
Like I would love to see you again, and you're like yeah, yeah, let's keep in touch, and again no one texts each other. It's like cool, just no one ghosted each other. No one, just no one communicated. For me, where it comes into the like the word ghosting to me is the issue is when you have someone that's really trying to communicate with you, right, Like you're getting the text from someone being like, hey, I'm really confused
what happened, Like just tell me what's going on. At that point, I'd rather someone just be like hey, I don't deal well with confrontation. I just want to let you know I'm done. I'm going to block your number because I can't handle this, right I Even my own partner, I've asked him have you had this? And he's like, oh, I've broken up with women and I get a barrage, like just berated with text.
Right. I feel like this is not the nicest thing to say, but I'm going to say it anyways.
Go on.
Some of my girlfriends get ghosted and some of them don't, and I'm I don't know what that means. Can you elaborate on that, like is it their fault or is it the guys they're dating? Like I feel really confused by it, actually.
Totally, And I want to be able to even before we start, like remove any shame and blame on anyone, Yeah, because I would never want anyone to feel like, oh god, is it my looked? What do I do? And it's like no, no, no, we can take accountability though, we can absolutely take ownership of what's my part in this? And what I see is like i'd be curious your friends that get ghosted. Have you seen a pattern that we see with the men, Like is it that they're all
really charming at first? And call them a ton and text them a ton like do we notice? Because oftentimes what happens, especially with people that are love bombing, right, they'll come on strong. It's an unfortunate reality. But when people come on really strong like that, it's not about you, it's how they feel.
So my one friend that I'm thinking about, she comes on really strong, and I think that's why she gets ghosted a lot. She freaks them out. And it's not in a way that feels like natural. It's it doesn't feel like, okay, we just really vibed.
Yeah. I think they feel the pressure well because we don't have to look and say are they she attaching to them or connecting to them? Ooh right? Those are question two very different circumstances. So if you're connecting to somebody, it takes time, It takes patience, it takes a trust you're building something right. It could take a few months to really be like, WHOA, we're really jiving because I
see consistency, it's built over time. Whereas attaching to somebody really comes from how I could say it scinctly is want verse need Connecting is I want you in my life? I don't need you? Attaching is I need you? Otherwise I'm not going to be okay, And that comes from
that fear of being abandoned, being rejected. The reality is when you're dating someone and you've come on strong like that, let's say you're really just showing up one hundred percent, it can be really, really off putting to someone else, because of course my thought would be, well, how could you think I'm so amazing? You don't really know me. And what I think a lot of the people could
be picking up is her anxiety. And there might be saying I don't even want to bother because I'm going to get a thousand texts from this person as to why this didn't work, and to me, I'd rather just be out.
Yeah.
That's where we have to stop and say, listen, it's no one's fault, it's no one to blame. But we have to be able to say, Okay, what is my common denominator in every circumstance, and if I continuously get ghosted, I need to look at the behavior that's being exhibited before that happens.
I was shocked to read a Forbes survey that said that seventy six percent of people who are dating get ghosted, men and women they're equally likely to get ghosted forty four and forty seven percent. So men a little bit less.
Have you reverend ghosted?
No, But I'm going to be honest. I think you can get unlucky and get ghosted. You can run into somebody, and that's that is what it is. But I think I'm a over communicator in a healthy way that I think they would be embarrassed to ghost me because it'd be like, what a loser thing to do.
It also could be a testament to the people that you're choosing as well, right, because if you're being a better buyer as well, like you're communicating, which means you're setting a precedence to them of like, here's the baseline of what I'm willing to accept, and here's how I
want to be in a relationship. So that way off the bat, if you're coming in being like, hey, I'm communicative, I'm honest, I'm upfront, you're going to scare those people off real quick that are not able to do that because they can see I can't bullshit her, I can't pull the wool over her eyes. Versus when someone just oh my god, he was so charming and so amazing. It's like you could also be narcissistic, you know, like
that might not be the best thing. And that's again where we have to look at because there's a higher propensity of you know, I don't know if you saw the meme of like the guy like the day before a guy goes Yeah, it's like, that's what I've been thinking about this whole conversation. Yeah, it's so like, you know, you're the love of my life and I've never met anyone like you. And it's like that's because those are the people. They are higher propensity to a ghost because again,
it's not about you and your connection. It's about you make me feel this when I'm with you, so I like it. But the second this becomes intimate or there's a real connection, see.
Yeah, I think it's really hard to identify when it's happening in the moment, Like I identify, okay, I have found myself a love bomber and this might lead to this sort of outcome. What are your tips for identifying these patterns in the moment or these traits in the moment.
It's a great question. A couple things. One, we have to look at the pinch match the ouch and so you have such good things. It's like one of my favorites because we have to look and see is am I getting too much?
Right?
Like, Okay, I don't know you, but yet a week after I met you, you saying that you're falling in love with me and you want to meet my friends and family. It's like, how would you know all of this about me? Like just because I walk by your house and say it's pretty, I don't expect you to throw me the keys. So that's the first thing. The second thing that we want to really look at is oftentimes when we go for the love bomber, we're very disconnected from her own body, and so we want to
start to understand what are the sensations I'm feeling. Am I feeling a little like when I'm with them, am I feeling a little off? Like I was a dinner with my girlfriend last night and she was saying, how oh all these things? And then my partner Ryan and I were like just kind of looking at her being like, wait, are you are you sure that this is healthy? And then she stopped. She was like, huh, now you say it.
My gut was feeling a little icky when he said some of these things, and she's like, yeah, I did notice. I actually got really anxious when he said this. And I was like, that's what we overlook because we're so excited to be chosen that we don't actually realize, Like, wait a minute, I'm self abandoning to be chosen and I'm not actually setting boundaries, which is Daniel kind of sounds like what you do of Hey, here's how I'm going to do things that will cut that right there.
I'll say this, you said a boundary, and someone runs open the door for them and let them go. It is the best thing they could do for you, because you're not wasting your time.
This one girlfriend that I'm thinking about does the opposite, Saverna. She just like when some guy goes she goes at.
Him, and I'm like, no, he does.
He's not going to make him respond Girlfriends, No, it's it's bad.
What you're describing right now is often like the amygdala hijack, and it's a terrible term, but I'll go in it. And so what happens is like, okay, you're dating right when we get triggered. A trigger is a cue to your nervous system that you're in danger. So people really misuse that word and they'll be like, that triggered me. It's like, no, he punched you in the face. That's not a trigger. That's disrespect right like that. A trigger is a neutral action ary inaction. So it's a really
good distinction. And when we get disregulated, prefrontal cortex shuts off. That's our decision making, our common sense. We go into the amygdalah, we go into that limbic system. And when we're in the limbic system, what she sees is challenge accepted. If I try harder, let me run after them, because maybe as a kid, that's what she was used to. She had to earn the love of a caregiver. The problem is you're not dating mom or dad because you're trying to replicate, and it's it's also a term called
repetition compulsion. So we continue to date the parts of us that are essentially unhealed, hoping that if I date you and you're like my dad and you choose me, it'll heal everything I went through. And all it does is it keeps her running and keeps her going because she's so disconnected from herself that she's just self abandoning and running after somebody because she's not really choosing herself.
And I think I want to also be clear, like I've had guys not be interested in me, Like it's that that hurts too, But it's different than being ghosted.
Because cohasting is just because it leaves you in your own thoughts, right, Like the person receiving the ghosting is sitting there ruminating, spiraling, checking every text doesn't understand because you're blind signing somebody.
I think it says so much more about them, like can't like I don't know if guys have this, but my girlfriends basically have this one paragraph text that we all send around. And if you go on a date and it's you don't feel anything, we're like okay, like send the text and it's just says hey, you know, like it's five lines and it's really respectful and that's it. It's pretty easy to send that text. So when you don't want to send that to me, that signals like way more emotional issues.
Men don't know how to communicate. I mean, they haven't been conditioned or socialized to number one, sit with their feelings and embrace their feelings. So how can we expect them to be able to communicate them to other people.
We have to really look at who taught us, right, like who taught us all of this?
We need to take a short break, but we'll be right back with Sabrina Zohar.
And we're back with dating coach Sabrina Zohar.
Okay, so we want to throw out some scenarios for you, because I love the nuance that you have in ghosting. If you have a one night stand with someone and you don't hear back from them, is that considered ghosting?
That's a toughie. I would say, contingent upon a few things. One, did you discuss anything before you left? Right, Like, did you leave saying hey, I'd really like to see you again. Did the other person agree with that? And then you text them the next day and you never hear from them again. That's a shitty feeling. Would I say that that person ghosted you? Potentially? I would also then just say they're probably just not picking up what you're putting down,
because what are they going to say the next day? Hey, this was great, but like cause, okay, let's also bear in mind most people don't want to be honest because okay, let's say you are intimate, like my partner and I. We were intimate the first date, and I was very I left being like, listen, if I don't hear from this guy again, like what are I'm an adult. I made a decision, and he did. He text me the
next day. But we have to be aware as well of like, if I'm going to make that decision, then I'm also going to know that there is a possibility that this doesn't work out. And the more the less personal I take it of, like, well he ghosted me, it's like or this guy's not for me, right, like, or this person's just not my person, or I had an experience exactly. I was walking away with that what a fun night, right, Like I've had nights where I'm like, this was great, and I the guy I never heard
from them again. I'm like, okay, so I think that there's to me. I try to avoid even just using like he ghosted me or she ghosted me, because I'm like, it's just messes with your psyche because then you just think what's wrong with me?
Well comes back to patterns, and I think that's such a key word in this conversation. You know, the patterns that we need to identify in other people and the ones we need to identify in ourselves.
One hundred percent, and then really being cognizant and aware of how am I presenting myself?
Right?
Am I being a better buyer? Am I really putting myself out there in the appropriate ways? Or am I having all these similar experiences like your girlfriend who just is stuck in her loop? And if we actually zoomed out, it's not that she's to blame or that she's at fault, but she can be accountable for what she's allowing into her life.
Yeah, Okay, another scenario, if it's a first date, there's no kiss, no contact, but you don't hear from them.
Again, is that a ghost to me? It's just not a ghost I for me? First date. That's why again we go back to take control of your life. Right? Did you guys see there was that that poor girl that went on the date and she made a TikTok saying like it was the short shortest first date of her life. And they went in and he literally before he even like said to the person, how many people? He said, listen, can we actually go outside? And he came in he said I'm sorry. I'm not feeling this.
I don't want to waste your time, like I'm going to go whoa And she's crying and it's like and then you see everybody kind of saying and you're like, okay, well, how do you handle this?
Right?
If you show up on a date, it's like, cool, yeah, I've done it. I have. Oh god, I can't tell you how many days have gone on that you in the minute you see the person walk in, you're like, all right, forty five minutes in amount, right, like, I'm here, I'm not going to say anything. But then to some people, they'd say, well, my time is worth something. I don't want to spend it with this person. I'd rather be honest. What do you think about that? I personally, I thought
he could have handled it a little bit better. I think there's some decorum in the way that you tell someone. I would never walk in and be like you know what, I'm sorry, I can't do this. It's like I would have sat down for a drink and been like, hey, I think you're fantastic. I don't think there's a connection here, so let's not waste any more of our time. Yeah, I think you can at least spend some time feels
pretty harsh. Harsh. The thing with the first date is like, that's why I would say, don't go Like this girl went to dinner and she was like, I got all dressed up, and it's like, please don't do that, Like go to dinner the second date. Right, at least going a coffee date, going a hike, on a walk, go get whatever. I don't care, go on an erran, just do a vibe check to see do I want to spend more time with you or not. That's why to me, it doesn't really feel like ghosting because you go out.
It's not a match.
It's not a match.
Next.
I had a therapist tell me one time because like, I'm obsessive about my time and so dating is tough. And she was like, okay, you're going to set up four dates in a row at a coffee shop on a Saturday or Sunday.
And I was like, that's horrible.
I'm not doing that and she was like, it's the only way for you.
What do you think about that? So for me, the way I dated personally was practical. So if I match with somebody online, I'm like, I have no idea who you are. I don't even know your I don't even know your middle name. I'm not going to give you an evening of my time. I'd be like cool, I'm about to like, I have to have to go to Arawon, have to go there, So why don't you meet me?
We can sit outside have a quick catch up. So if you're like cool, on Saturday, I have an hour, why don't you meet me for a walk on the beach. I get my steps in, I get to take the dog, and I get to meet someone. If this works, yay, and if it doesn't, I go on with my day.
You have control of your dating life, but there is a vulnerability that is required of like give a little, but also take control of your life, because we don't want the rigidity of the boundaries to be too inflexible to where it's like, well, then you're not going to ever meet anybody.
Okay, what if you've been dating for a while but you haven't slept together yet.
I think it goes yeah, I think intimacy or not. If you've spent time with somebody, you've been vulnerable. You've been like we're talking to me more than one or two dates like, especially after the second date, if you still haven't kissed and you text, I'm like, hey, I'd love to see you again, and they don't answer. You're like, okay, well whatever next. So for me, if you've spent time with somebody, at the very least, yeah, I do think it's quote unquote ode that you are respectful about that
person's time of thank you for spending the time. It was really great. But this isn't a match, and I don't want to waste more of it.
I have some friends who abide by your idea of ghosting, like if it's a date or two and no one kind of texts. I am so in the camp of like, just send the text that you like, just send it anyways you can send it.
Listen. I think it won't be a ghoster if, Like for me, if I had a date. I remember when I was dating. If I had a date where I was just like not into the guy, and no one text after, no one text after, I didn't have to say anything. The times I would send it was when they would send a message after like hey I had a great time, I'd love to see you again. Then I would say, hey, I think you're lovely, this isn't
a match personally, I agree. The only reason I say like, oh, it's not as sary is because if it doesn't happen, it's okay. Yeah, but I would prefer at least if somebody communicates, just tell someone take that in misery.
I like that rule. If somebody texts, then you just send the text. If no one texts, then it's fine.
Yeah, because if no one texts, you're both kind of like mutually understanding that. Like, I'm with that.
I like that rule.
Yeah, okay.
What about if you are set up with someone by a mutual friend or coworker, so you were matched up, but you don't vibe with the match and they don't follow up with you.
Is that a ghost? I don't think so. I think I said that's not mutual. Like, if you're not vibing, they're not vibing for me personally, if it's a friend group situation that you're gonna see this person again, just for the integrity of the group, right, say something like, hey, you're so cool. Just protect the integrity of your friend group. Yeah, okay.
I want to get your take on some reasons why people reportedly ghost.
This is according to Forbes.
So the number one most common reason is there were different expectations, and number two it's because this person didn't like the other person's personality. What do you think about those two reasons? Does that sound accurate to you?
Basically, I hate everything about you ghost no, I said. The minute you said, I was like, call bullshit. I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'm not sure either. Yeah.
To me, I'm like, that's just a lack of integrity in my opinion, Like, what do you mean lack of difference of expectations. It's like, so you think by not commune indicating you're doing your job, but with expectations.
Maybe it's that people just have super low expectations for dating right now, like abysmally low expectations.
It's tough. Was I'm not I was single because I think people will look at me and be like, oh, you have a partner, and like I just met him two years ago, like I was in the trenches with the rest of us, like I have. I dated in New York and LA for years, and like here is the reality. I was the common denominator of a lot of the reasons it didn't work out because I had either high expectations. I thought, well, if you're spending time with me, then you want me, and it was like, no,
that doesn't mean anything. Or you're texting me every day that means you like me, and it's like, no, that person was automating those messages or was bored. That doesn't mean anything. And I think what we really have to see here is yes, does it gain? Like really is not immorant? I get that, but if we continue to enter in with like God, dating is so hard. Remember
cognitive biases. If you go outside right now and you say I want a red car, all you're going to see is a red car because your brain wires it. So when I met my partner personally, I was like, I have no expectations, it doesn't matter. I'm just going to be present. And I remember just thinking in my head like, wow, he's very different than most of the men that I dated. If I hadn't done the work on myself to be aware of that, then I wouldn't have been at least honed in on who he was.
But that also then came with me having to manage my own expectations. I love that it.
Sounds like you took your ego out of the game entirely, which is so beautiful.
How did you do it? A lot of challenging my own thoughts really, because when we first started to date and he wasn't a big texture, I was like, no, that's it. He doesn't like you. He just used you. He wanted your body, and it was like I had no facts to back that up. And then what I also did was I challenged myself to do things differently. So I was like, Okay, in the past, I wouldn't bring this up, and I was like, no, it's important that I do it. But first I sat with it
and I saw, like, what's coming up for me? Is this my anxiety? Nope, this is a gut reaction that what he said really bothered me, or you know whatever. Like when I reached out to my partner to ask for more texting, he easily could have said no, and he did, but nonetheless, like he set a boundary and we communicated very clearly from the get so that my ego didn't have a place because my ego had never
helped me. I just looked at this as like every date, third date, just to see if I want to have a fourth, fourth date, just to see if I want to have a fifth because when you're really present, you again can build a connection. You're connecting, you're connecting, you're not attaching to people, and I think that's the attachment part is where we get the ghosting aspect, because our attachments come into play and our attachment styles again, the love bombing and the coming on to me. Though Forbes,
i'd love to know where they got the data. But if we're going to look at psychology as to why people ghost, it's not just because I didn't like their personality. It's like, so that's your reasoning, but you could still communicate that, yeah, hey, I think you're great. I just don't think this is a match.
We need to take another quick break, but we'll be right back to our spooky conversation with dating coach Sabrina is Ohire, and we're back with Sabrina Zohire. So there was this idea that was purported by friends the series. It's actually not true, but it was like the idea that lobsters like regenerate and never die. They just like come back to life or their shells live on, and so a lot of girls will be like, oh, he's
my lobster, Like he came back. You're rolling your eyes, But okay, here's my question for you in thinking about men as lobsters that they come back a lot of times, say that you've been ghosted and that person then reaches back out to you.
What's the move? Oh, you get to decide what you want to do here. Now here's the reality. You're going to respond back? What changed that person goes? Did you want? You don't think they're going to do it again. It's one thing if you come back and you say, hey, I've been in therapy, I've done the work. Like if you just get like hey, you get bent like I am not even I am not even entertaining this, Like that's not even a blip on my screen, versus like, hey,
you know, Danielle, I am so sorry. I was going through a lot and I didn't handle this the right way. Can I please make this up to you? I apologize. Then you get to decide if this is something you still want to pursue. Would I advise it? Probably not, because I want to know what transpired in that time
that they ghosted you until they came back. Because for me, when I hear they always come back, it's like get better boundaries, have sterner boundaries, and that way they won't come back because I don't you go once, I'm not going to let you do that to me again.
So we've talked a lot about all the different forms of ghosting, what it means, how it can manifest. This is the bright side. So we also want to talk about solutions. What do you think constitutes an empowered response to ghosting.
Speaking up for yourself right, And that means it's a decision that you make from a regulated state. So if you're getting that text, it instantly disregulates you. Your sweating, you don't know what's going Oh, you're like spiraling in your thoughts. That's not going to be the good time to make a response because you're coming out of that limbic system of like oh my god, MoMA just came
home or Dad just came back versus. We want to put some space, right, Like, we want to be able to put a in it in between that message and go regulate, Go for a walk, Go call a friend and talk to your therapist, go co regulate with somebody. Then when you come back, we can unpack because you have every right, like if that's your moment to say like, hey, what you did was incredibly hurtful to me. It actually really did impact me, and for that, I want to tell you I wish you all the best, but I
have zero interest ever speaking to you again. Please don't contact me if that's the case, if somebody really hurt you versus if it wasn't a big deal and you're like, hey, thank you so much. Great to hear from you. I'm not interested in pursuing anything further. But I wish you all the best. You know what I should rephrase. I'm more wondering, like, what is an empowered response? Whenever someone ghosts you and you just you haven't heard from them, is the most empowered way to respond?
Is it? Is it reaching out to them and like chastising them, Is it ghosting them back and like just not responding to them at all or reaching out to them at all?
What is the best path way to handle the guests? Yeah, okay, I think give it a shot, right, Like if you're if you're like, Okay, I haven't heard from this person in three days, and it's like okay, but if I've hung out with this person, I'm going to reach out like, hey, I haven't heard from you or you Okay, if they don't answer that, maybe I would send one more if I depending again on like how long I've known this person, if I've slept with them and we were dating and
you met my friends and family, Like I'm going to at least be like, yo, this is so not cool, Like I really don't appreciate that. I really hope that you would just contact me and we can talk about this. But if not, like, I'm going to take no answer as quite an answer to me. I think it's if you're going to speak your piece and say it, go be. Do not brate somebody, Do not send a thousand texts. It's like avoidant avoidant attachment style. They remove themselves because
that makes them feel more regulated. So when we think about the nervous system and we're looking at like the attachment styles, right, you have the secure and then you have the insecure ones that are anxious, avoidant, disorganized. And so if we're thinking about somebody who's more anxious, that person wants the can you know I need you to tell me it's okay, give me an answer, right, So they're the people that are seeking you tell me I'm okay,
validate me. The avoidant. On the other hand, when they remove themselves, that's they're regulating. Okay, I'm out. You continue to contact them. What you're doing is reaffirming to them, Oh, I made the best decision that was right for me, because they're disregularly. The more you come after, you're flushing them further back. So it's like, fine, say what you want, and then.
Leave one final question for you. Okay, what's the best revenge for ghosting? Because if we're all being honest, that's what you want. Whenever you've been ghosted, whenever you've been abandoned, you're like, oh, I just want to I want them to see me thriving. You know, I want them to see me dating this hot new person. I know this is so base human nature, but indulge me here.
I will give What comes to mind first is what my dad always used to say to me whenever I had like an issue, and he would say, my love, the best revenge is success. Go focus on you. And to this day I always think that because it's like, sure, I could try to prove a point, but if I'm trying to prove a point too, if I'm doing first traps and I'm doing all these sexy photos. Then what I'm doing is I'm doing that because of someone else.
I'm not actually doing that because I authentically want that. Yeah, so somebody goes to you. The best revenge you can have is a difference. I'm not going to give you more importance than you deserve in myne life, and that to me is something I get to take control over. And that is the best revenge is me moving on from you.
Sabrina. You did not disappoint me at all in that answer. That was so perfect, so perfect. Indifference is the best revenge truly.
Because it allows you to move on, and it allows you to make space for somebody that's not going to ghost to you and treat you like this. Because every person that's listening to this is worthy and deserving of love, is worthy and deserving of having what they admire and desire. But it's about are you actually going to be the one that calls the shots on that or you can allow other people to do that.
Thank you for sharing your time with us.
You're so awesome.
Thank you so much, Sabrina. We love you so much, love me two girls.
Thank you for having me.
Sabrina Zohar is a dating coach and host of the Sabrina Zohar.
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