Create More Meaningful Gatherings with Priya Parker

Today.

On the bright side, we're talking about building community and connection. We have the brilliant author Pria Parker here to teach us how to gather meaningfully.

She completely changed the gathering game for me.

It's Tuesday, March twenty sixth.

I'm Danielle Robe and I'm Simone Boyce and this is the bright side from Hello, Sunshine, Vitamin D. We are in the world. The bright side is real, people are listening.

You know.

I figured out your nickname because you keep calling me Sonny D or Vitamin D. Yeah, and you know what rhyme's Simone B, Simone B.

I like it, Cinny B, Simmy. I don't know.

I'll work on it.

Yeah, maybe we need to workshop that one a little bit.

Simone is such a hot girl name. It's hard for me to nickname you.

It's one of those names that is unnicknameable. It is very hard to break down.

Your mom really did a good job with that one.

She did. I grew into my name. I like it.

Okay, how do you feel we birthed a podcast, baby, we.

Birthed the podcast, baby. I'm feeling good. You know. I got a really sweet message from someone this morning who was like I totally related to your comments on motherhood. I get it. I'm right there in the trenches with you. That kind of solidarity, that's the kind of community that we want to build with this show.

Yeah that's really cool.

Yeah, how about you? How you feeling?

I feel the same.

I got a lot of really nice messages from people saying that it made them happy, which is really the goal of the show. What made me happy is my mom sent me a text message saying the show was phenomenal. And you know, she's my toughest critic, so she's now our toughest critic.

She is because she's now following me on Instagram. We are following each other.

So but she gave us two thumbs up.

Yay.

Yeah, thanks Deanna, Thank you girl.

Well, I guess let's jump into our show today.

Yeah, yeah, We've got a big show today, all right. We got to start with a story that has been weighing heavily on a lot of our minds right now, and that is Kate Middle's health. So for those who haven't kept up with everything that's been going on, we're

Then in February, a Palace source told people that Kate Middleton was quote doing well in recovery.

But that's when the conspiracy theories began.

Yeah somewhere about the status of her marriage with Prince William, others about botched plastic surgeries or medical procedures, but perhaps the most wild conspiracy theories of all were that she's no longer alive and photos and videos of her are actually deep fakes. Now that, of course, was not helped by a photoshopped photo of Princess Kate with her three children and then almost immediately taken down after the associated

And on Friday, the Princess of Wales announced in a video message that she'd been diagnosed with cancer and is currently undergoing preventive chemotherapy. So I think the overarching feeling most people had when they watched this was sadness. This was so sad, and I think there's some confusion for people too, because they don't know what to expect from her because she's a public servant and a public person.

I feel so sad. My chest feels so heavy watching all of this, because I'm just putting myself in her shoes. It's already a lot to be a public figure in her capacity, dealing with constant speculation, but then when you have this huge news, this major life change where your health is impacted, She's probably fearful about her her future.

It was hard to watch. The media was in a flurry. Here's my personal perspective on it. I think that it's best to share from the scar, not the wound. It's really difficult to share a story while you're processing it, and so in that respect, I'm totally with you. It felt gut wrenching to watch that video. She didn't seem okay. I think that people feel like she was bullied into a statement because the conspiracy theories in the gossip was a worst case scenario. On the flip side, she's a celebrity.

You have to own your story.

Our first episode was literally write your own story. My personal opinion is I think this could have been avoided. I don't like what transpired, but I do think it could have been avoided. I think that they could have put out a statement saying we'll update you as we know more and please respect our privacy. And instead, I think they let the media and people on the internet makeup and speculate what was going on, and it all got really weird.

I love what you said about it's better to speak from the scar and not the wound. Is that get that right? That's yeah, that's beautiful and I think that's so accurate. I take issue with people seemingly gleefully speculating about what was going on.

There was a lot of that.

There was a lot of that, just like taking pleasure in this woman's pain right now and ooh, let's figure out what is the next you know, crazy conspiracy theory that we can drum up around her whereabouts. That to me is sickening. Okay, we want to just add a little bright side button here. While the response to Kate's health has been extremely disappointing, the news of Kate's cancer diagnosis actually drove record traffic to McMillan Cancer Support, which

Yeah, that is a bright side for sure, Okay, Simone, Yes, Simmy, b I.

Don't know, I don't know.

We need to workshop it hot Girl, Simone. Do you consider yourself a happy woman?

I do consider myself a happy woman.

If you were to rate one through ten on the happiness scale, where are you?

Woo?

That's hard.

I mean you can't say seven.

Why is seven?

Because it's like a middle ground answer and it's it's a cop out.

I would I would say, I would say today maybe an eight.

That's pretty good.

That's pretty good for today. How about you? Do you consider yourself a happy woman?

Yeah?

I do.

I wake up. I'm like an eternally optimistic person. Yeah, my happiness fluctuates, but and the job doesn't. Yeah. I think we were both hired because we're optimistic. But I recently saw an article on the every Girl and they say there are five traits that the happiest women in the world all have in common. So I want to go through them with you and see how we both rank. Okay, the first is they say no to things that don't bring them joy.

Yes, which is hard for us. A lot of us have been conditioned to do the opposite.

So I'm from Chicago in the Midwest.

You just say yes all the time, Like do you want to drive someone to the airport? Even though it's during rush hour traffic. Yeah, of course you do.

So I had to unlearn this a lot.

The only caveat I have to this is I think that our world in a lot of ways had like the Internet at least. The discourse is do only things that bring you joy? And I don't believe in that because there's like short term joy and long term joy. So, for instance, do I want to go to another bridal shower?

No?

In the short term, absolutely not. Do I value that friendship? Does that bring me joy?

Yes?

Yeah, I think that's a good distinction.

Okay. Number two, They prioritize their health.

Yeah, got to health is wealth, Health is happiness.

Well, what do you do to prioritize your health?

Oh? My gosh. I work out probably like four to five times a week. I pretty good. I try to be mindful of what I'm eating. I try to have balanced meals. I get a lot of protein in I'm kind of like, I'm a wellness girl. I'm a wellness junkie.

So are Yeah, you dive deep into it too.

I do. I love me some wellness science.

I'm a sleepy girl, and if I don't get my sleep, I am useless to everybody, including myself. So for me, that is the number one thing on the health radar, and I am my word for the I do a word every single year. At New Year's my word for the year was discipline. And I was really undisciplined with my workouts last year and it decreased my happiness. So now I'm trying to work out three to five times a week and be a disciplined wellness girl.

Nice. How's it going.

I'm getting three in. That's good, I'm not getting five.

Well. Here's the thing about wellness. I think we tend to think of it as an all or nothing game, like a zero sum game, but there's so much there's so many benefits in the in between. If you get twenty minutes in as opposed to zero minutes in, you're way better off.

Okay, number three they don't take things personally? Do you take things personally?

Sometimes it depends no.

One can see you. But you really had to think about that one.

Yeah, I was like, I don't know that that one's for me?

Why not?

You know what's interesting. I think of myself as a resilient person, but I do still take some things personally.

So that's only natural.

Yeah, I'm only human people.

It's natural to take things personally.

How about you? Do you take things personally?

This one I'm pretty good at. And it's this changed my life. My friend in college said this to me because I lived with four other girls and we had this one roommate who would always like try on outfits and then she'd be like, oh, I can't wear this, So because I wore this last Thursday, and my friend, my friend Julia from college would always be like, nobody remembers what you wore last Thursday because they're all obsessed with what they wore last Thursday.

Yeah.

And so the idea of like everybody is so obsessed with themselves they're not thinking about you, yes, really helps.

Me not take things personally.

Yeah, totally.

Number four they confront their problems.

Yeah. I think you have to confront your problems in order to change. And action is the path out of despair. So you have to take action.

I feel like you can run, but you eventually run into yourself again, so you got.

To face them totally.

And number five is they don't compete with anyone but themselves.

That's a good one. Yeah. I had to make that mindset shift in my career, I would say that I made that shift, probably not until I turned thirty. I think it took me a long time.

What happened at thirty, I.

Think I became women. According to the research, women gain more confidence as we get older, but for men, their confidence declines no way they get older. Yeah, so I think it just starts to come more naturally, Like you become more confident, you become more aware of your strengths and and also you lean into those and you lean into the factors that differentiate you from your perceived competition. And I think that's the best way to think about it.

I love that staff because women do get better as they get older, and the cultural perception, like the they're always telling us we don't, except for we really do, which is so great.

Totally. Okay, we're going to take a quick break, and when we get back, author Mediator and reigning authority on gatherings, Priya Parker stops by to talk about the power of a really good gathering. We're back, y'all. I'm Simone Boyce. Listen, Brightside besties. We're a new show here. Okay, we're just getting started. And as Danielle and I begin our journey. As hosts, we want to make sure we're creating a meaningful and intentional space for our listeners and guests on

That, we're talking with Priya Parker. She's an expert in gathering and creating community, and she's the author of the book The Art of Gathering, How We Meet and Why It Matters.

Pria is here to show us how to make every gathering transformative, whether it's a big birthday party or just a small zoom call. She's nothing short of magical people, and she is here to share her wisdom with us.

That's right, Pria Parker, welcome to the bright Side. We're so excited to have you here.

Thank you so much for having me.

So we want to take a page out of your book, The Art of Gathering. We're both big Prea Parker fans Ouche. We've read the book and we want to name our intention for the conversation today. So we were thinking that our intention is to learn how to build community for a podcast in a meaningful and joyful way.

Ooh, I like the class, Kay, we.

Got some applause right side Bessies.

Can you please share with us why setting an intention before gathering is so important.

The biggest mistake we make when we gather is we assume that the purpose is obvious and shared. Oh, I know what a podcast is, I know what a wedding is, I know what a funeral is, I know what a staff meeting is. And when we don't actually pause to ask why are we doing this?

What is the purpose? What does the purpose of this podcast?

With all of the million of podcasts in the world, what is it that we are uniquely trying to do? We tend to then replicate forms that may not make sense for this community or for these hosts. And so setting an attention and actually thinking well ahead of the gathering, why am I doing this? What is the need? How do I want to spend this time? Allows you to then make decisions and be imaginative about what that time actually looks like and feels like, and helps you make practical decisions to.

Get you there.

So in your book you write that the first five minutes of any gathering are critical, and there's actually a lot of research that backs that up, and I love what you wrote about it. You say your opening needs to be a kind of pleasant shock therapy. It should grab people, and in grabbing them, it should both awe the guests and honor them. So how do we create significant openings? And why are opening so important?

We are all part.

Of different communities, and I think of a gathering as a temporary alternative world, whether that is a mosh pit or a rave, or a bagel brunch or a protest. And in order to create that temporary world and invite people into it, you need to prepare them so they know what they're signing up for and they can be successful in that world. But you need to also usher them into that world. And very specifically, all of these studies show that the first five percent of an experience

Are these people?

Well?

Did I wear the right thing?

Yeah?

Can I show my tattoos?

Like?

You know, do I need to get a tattoo?

You know?

Who are these people?

And the best gatherers, the best hosts, understand that you're hosting from that moment of entry, and they do a really good job of welcoming people of literally saying hello. And the way in which people choose to share what risks they take is fundamentally related to whether or not they feel like they belong there and that they're wanted there.

And it is not rocket science, but it is intentional.

So that social anxiety that you mentioned is so real. We've all felt that where you walk into a party you don't know too many people. What's a practical tip that we can use in order to kind of massage some of that social anxiety that happens whenever you step into a gathering as a host.

What can we do so in the art of gathering?

I interviewed over one hundred different types of gatherers from all walks of life. Choir conductors, hockey coaches, party planners, professors that students love every year and ask, you know, what is it that they're doing that is so transformative? And one of the people I interviewed is a guy named Anthony Rocco and he is an underground party planner and he would create these secret events for new members

That they want to be a part of.

And the last thing I'll say is you can help people really feel that way, actually not only at the moment they entered the room with a zoom, but actually an invitation. The invitation is the first moment to create a sense of belonging, of comfort, of ease, and we tend to just think that they're carrier's logistics.

Priya, you have completely changed the way that I host Now whenever I'm throwing a party, I try to preify it. I try to think what would Pria do? So I tried your method recently when I hosted a dinner party and I opened it with a short speech about what my friends mean to me. We answered these table questions that facilitated a really vulnerable and candid and funny discussion. And at the end of the night, everyone was just beaming. You could just feel the energy in the magic in

Thank you so much. That means so much to me. And I think that's some level what you're learning to do, you is make the implicit explicit.

You're turning up the meaning dial right, You're you're.

Sort of we tend to assume like, oh, people know that I love them, right right, they know, And actually so many of us are parched. It is so beautiful to be able to water each other's gardens and in these tiny ways to say this is what I see in you, this is how I appreciate you, and then to have that come back it's literally nourishing.

Oh I matter. Oh this is what they see me.

Oh, maybe I'll take a risk if they see me that way, Maybe I will take this risk.

Maybe I will actually quit this job.

Maybe I will, you know, call my parents, who haven't talked to it a long time. Wow, they see something in me. It's and in modern life. We have to invent these moments of tiny ritual.

Priya, I'm still a little bit unsure about how to start from scratch and invent those moments ourselves. This is just week one of our podcasts, and you're an expert, especially in creating community online. How do we build our community and have everybody feel invited and connected?

I think so often in our in our in person gatherings, the role of the host, there's so much physicality that's helping you.

Right.

People are going under doorways, they're walking through hallways, they're perhaps taking off their jacket, which is actually a moment of transition, they're getting settled. And in a virtual gathering, whether that's a zoom or whether it's a podcast, people are doing all sorts of different things, and you actually have to the role of the host is to create a psychological togetherness.

And so what does that mean?

My advice to you would be to start with an opening or beginning that feels authentic to you both. You're kind of beginning this podcast both this week but also in every single episode by gathering yourself, gathering your guest, gathering your producers, which your listeners may not even hear but they're part of this gathering and then gathering and what welcoming your listeners. But the element to create a shared experience is if you invite your guests to be part of the same.

Ritual, and it should be.

It could be as simple as like three deep breaths and you're just all taking it together and they can do that and know where they want and so having some opening ritual that allows each person to kind of mark the day and say, I'm here even if I'm walking in the park with my dog or i am biking to work, I'm having a shared experience with you both.

Okay, besties, you heard Priya.

What could we all of us do together as an opening ritual?

Send us your wildest ideas. I'm talking wild anything.

And everything at Hello at the bright sidepodcast dot com and we might just try them out on air.

Coming up after the break.

How not to be like me the chill host with the not so chill gatherings.

Pria, I want to talk about your background a little bit. So you actually have a background in conflict resolution and as a facilitator around race relations conversations on college campuses. So how did your work in conflict resolution teach you more about how to host more meaningful gatherings.

It's core.

I'm biracial. I grew up in two households. My mother is Indian, my father's white American. And I'll maybe just go back to the story a little bit because it actually deeply informs my convict resolution.

I grew up in these two households.

They divorced, and then they each remarried other people, and they had joint custody, and so I went back and forth between these two homes every two weeks. And that meant leaving my mother and stepfather's home, which was this Indian, British Buddhist, vegetarian, incense filled progressive household, and then travel one point four miles to my father and stepmother's home, which was and still is a white American, Evangelical, Christian, conservative,

Touched by what you said.

And instead of giving their stump speech right like a PR PR publicist, they give a sprout speech with their voices shaking, and they say something that they're not even fully sure themselves they haven't spoken out before.

And so the core of my.

Work as a dialogue facilitator is actually helping people have the right conversations, the right groups, have the right conversations and ask the right questions. To go back to your comment on questions, but contract resolution at some level is the deep training to help people hold healthy heat and relevance and bring themselves to a conversation while still being curious to others.

I am also a biracial woman, and so everything you're saying about that need for belonging and what it feels like to straddle to worlds that so deeply resonates with me. How do you think gatherings can help us build bridges between worlds?

You know, when I researched for the art of gathering, one of the things I realized was, and maybe it's obvious, but it wasn't a ha to me, which is traditional communities, ancient communities, tribal communities in which people were born on the same plot of earth, they prayed to the same god, they followed the same dietary restrictions, they had inherited ways of being.

They know how to gather, they have shared.

Ritual and in our modern life, in a diverse life where people like you and I and so many are biracial and bicultural and by religious where norms are breaking and shifting around who gets to wed and who is out in the workplace and what and we get to choose our friends and our faith and our God or are not God. Basically, we no longer have shared ways, shared assumed ways of making ritual together, and in trying to not offend one another, we end up doing nothing.

Okay.

So, ho is a huge part of gathering and our title now is quite literally podcast host. So can you describe what the role of a host is?

I'm so glad you asked.

So.

A host is someone who should practice what I call generous authority. Generous authority is using your power for the good of the group, to help it achieve its purpose. And a good host has three roles. The first to connect your guests to each other in appropriate ways that are relevant to the purpose. The second is to protect your guests from each other.

Right.

And if you're at a volunteer training and all of a sudden, one person is taking over the whole thing, it's the role of the host to make sure that that person is not dominating the entire meeting.

Right.

If you're hosting a party and there's one guest that's cornering all of your friends, it's the role.

The hosts to protect your guests.

Right.

So we tend to think the only way to bring people together is to connect them, but there's also a lot of problems that happen when people come together, and so the role of.

The host is how do you protect them?

Right?

And then finally to temporarily equalize your guests so that they feel like they belong here. Mmmm.

You know, when I read your book, I realized I was the chill host.

I was the worst host you could possibly have.

For everybody who hasn't read the book yet, it's the host who doesn't put out place cards or name cards. It's the host who doesn't say you should wear this or that, just come in whatever. And I thought that I was relinquishing power because I was like, who cares just come as you are, but you actually say that you need rules, you need boundaries.

Why is that?

What I mean by that is we tend in many places to think by letting our guests be, we're giving them a good time. And that is certainly sometimes the case. If you're listening to this and you have a group of friends and you love the way you hang out, keep doing that. You're lucky, right if you feel like, oh, I love my people and we are good like God bless.

This is really about for those.

Moments where you're wanting to really up the ante, up the meaning factor, up the sense of connection.

And also particularly when people don't know.

Each other, because basically gathering is about connection, but it's also about power. And if you don't give some kind of guidance as to either what is this for, or give some kind of common shared context, someone else's kind of come up and do it for you.

People just need a little bit of shared.

Context to connect to banter, to have a way into each other. And the really good host finds just enough structure. It doesn't need to be place cars necessarily, but just enough structure and no more to help the group take off.

Kria, you have left us with so many incredible insights about gathering. We talked about some of the mistakes people commonly make, so not setting a clear intention, not having enough structure, not using generous authority. Is there one more major faux pas that we tend to do with hosting and gathering that you want to leave us with today?

I might reframe the faux pas in part because part of what this work is is it's a realization that we don't really know how to do this anymore. We're writing our own rules, and if anything, the invitation is to think deeply to ask how do I want to spend my time? And like host gatherings that you're like, oh my gosh, I want to go to that? Yeah, right, I want to go. If you're dreading something that's data, you think about, okay, so what is it that I

You can feel when people are disengaged.

You can feel, you know, like you send out an email and like the one friend right, Sonjay is.

Like I'll be there.

I can't wait. How can I help? And you're like, thank you, Sonjay?

Right?

Yes, right, be either an.

Enthusiastic yes or a connected no. Thank you so much for the invitation. I can't make it. I love that you're doing this. I'm so grateful that you thought of me.

It's like the person at the wedding who like is the first to the dance floor.

The people that are getting married are like, thank you.

Exactly.

How do you practice being a generous guest? How do you help people? And then how you be intentional about what you would attend when we choose, how we spend our time also, and when we choose, and that doesn't mean not to have any obligation, we also come in with a lot more energy.

That is the perfect note to end our conversation with you today, Pria. Thank you so much.

Pria, you add so much to people's lives.

When we were thinking about who could sort of christen our first week, we were all hoping that you would say yes. So thank you for sharing your time with us.

Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for modeling beautiful hosting. You're already hosts that are paying attention to honoring the guests that you're bringing in and bringing yourselves to it and making it relevant to your listeners. And it's such a pleasure and privilege to be part of the opening parts of your journey.

Thank you so much for saying that.

Thank you, Pria. What a joy it was to speak with Pria. She has completely transformed how I think about bringing people together. And with that in mind, here's your spark of the day.

We're going to end on a quote from Pria, reverse engineer and outcome. Think of what you want to be different because you gathered and work backward from that outcome. So with all that, we're going to gather intentionally, meaningfully and build beautiful community. If you want to improve your gathering skills, Pria has a free workbook for all of our bright Side besties. It's called The New Rules of Gathering. You can find it at Priaparker dot com, slash the bright.

Side And remember, we want to hear from you. What opening rituals do you love? Which should we try? Right here? Together on the bright Side. Send a voice memo to Hello at the bridsidepodcast dot com.

Tomorrow on the show, We're looking to the Stars with the Queen of Astrology herself, Channy Nicholas.

Listen and follow the bright Side on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can find me Simone Voice on Instagram and TikTok at Simone Voice and I'm.

At Danielle Robe on Instagram and TikTok.

We'll be back tomorrow with a brand new episode, same time, same place,