Seeing Where We Are Stuck

Even in the world of personal development, I don't see much in terms of working on loving our bodies the way they are. Sure, there's always weight loss and there's weight loss disguised as body positivity, which is literally the worst. But we'll get to that on another episode. So anyway, people are working on spirituality, mindfulness, parenting, money mindset, business growth, physical health, relationship, intimacy. The list goes on and on and on. Everything but body image.

And I think there are a couple reasons for this. Number one, it's really fucking uncomfortable for us to face our insecurities, and there's a lot of work we need to do to actually improve our relationships with ourselves. Number two, and perhaps this is the bigger issue, it's become the norm to hate our body. The diet industry alone totals to, okay, wait for this 72 billion dollars. And everywhere we look, we're taught that our bodies are not good enough the way they are.

So it's become what we expect of ourselves and others to feel about our bodies, and we don't believe it's possible to really love our bodies as they are. I'm here to tell you that's not true, and also provide you with a framework to start to work on these things in a loving and compassionate way. This is not another place for you to start to feel like you're not enough if you don't love your body right now. I feel you, girl. It's okay. You're okay.

I just wanna use this episode as a way to gain some awareness of where we're at and see where we might wanna focus some of our efforts towards personal growth. So let's define body image first. Simply put body image is a combination of the thoughts and feelings that we have about our bodies. Okay. Now hang tight with me because I wanna go through the four aspects of body image with you. The first aspect of body image is called perceptual body image. It's the way that we see our bodies.

This is where things like body dysmorphia might come in, and when we look in the mirror, we'll see one thing, but in reality, our bodies look totally different. The second aspect is the way that we feel about our bodies, and that's called effective body image. Emotions like happiness and contentment or disgust, resentment, or anger may come up in relation to our bodies as a whole or even specific parts that we're insecure about.

I have many clients who went through health struggles and they feel like their body betrayed them, and so they have a lot of resentment and sadness towards their body. These feelings are also a part of body image. The third part of body image is cognitive body image, and that's the way we think about our body. Negative thoughts can sometimes be obsessive and overtake our brain with thoughts of dieting, food, losing weight, or changing our bodies.

The fourth and final aspect of body image is behavioral body image. Which of course is the way we act based on our body image. This could be positive, like we take care of our body because we love it so much. Or negative, we isolate because we don't wanna be seen. So that actually perfectly leads me to some areas that having a poor body image may be holding us back.

There's no way that we can go over all of the ways body image may be holding us back, but I really see positive body image as a foundation and springboard for personal growth. So I'll share the things that come to mind first, and the first thing may seem pretty obvious, but I'm gonna say it anyway. When we have a poor body image, we're really mean to ourselves. It affects the way we talk to ourselves. It's preoccupying and emotionally exhausting. Believe me, I know.

Because for many years my inner critic was a fucking bitch. I'd look in the mirror and say the meanest things to myself. You could be so much cuter if you lost at least 10 pounds. Wow, that fat on your stomach is disgusting. There's no way anyone is attracted to you anymore. Like, damn, would you ever say that to a friend? This orientation holds us back from experiencing the love and kindness that we deserve, and like I said, it's fucking draining.

The second thing I think about often, especially as a photographer, is that struggling with our body image really holds us back from being in pictures. We stop taking pictures with our friends and our family, with our kids at holidays and special events on birthdays because we don't like the way we look or feel in our skin. and it's so sad because we won't have those moments to look back on and our kids won't have those moments to look back on.

I know my kids could care less about what I weigh, and they're probably always going to think I'm beautiful, especially when I'm happy and smiling and in the moment and expressing my love towards them. That is what is going to be so powerful when they look back on family albums.

One of my boudoir clients did a session for her 60th birthday, and she said that one of the reasons she did it was because she looked at her family albums and realized that she was nowhere to be found over all of the years of having several kids. And when she said that, I just had this pit in my stomach, because I could totally resonate with that, and I could have seen that happening at certain points in my own journey.

So her boudoir experience really became a proclamation to herself that she's worthy of being seen and celebrated and documented. And it was really life changing. So speaking of special occasion and events, that's another area where we can feel really stuck if we don't love our bodies, social stuff, parties, gatherings, even just going to shul. When we don't love our bodies, when we don't like the way we look, we don't wanna go out. We'd rather get in our PJs and turn on Netflix for the evening.

And don't get me wrong, I love a good movie night, but when we're constantly choosing to isolate instead of connecting with others, that can start to become damaging for our mental health. And we know what it's like after going through Covid where we were forced to spend less time with others. It can really take a toll and over time it's not a great feeling. We want to have the choice to go out and not let our feelings towards our bodies control the way that we're acting.

Same thing with going to the pool or the beach or places where our bodies are more exposed. And don't get mad at me, but I'm not a huge fan of the beach. I'm much more of a forest type of girl, but I would not want to feel like I couldn't go to the beach or that I'd have to hide my body if I did. This is all about life being pleasurable and expansive and giving ourselves a real choice based on what we truly desire. Another obvious thing that we're being held back by is food.

Personally, I had many years that I was obsessing about food and restricting myself. There were many moments when I was choosing food that I didn't enjoy so much, or when I did eat foods that I liked, I either didn't allow myself much of it, or I felt super guilty about eating it for hours or days afterwards. Having food freedom. is amazing because I'm so much more in touch with what I enjoy and what works for my body, my hunger and my fullness cues.

It's very honoring to myself, and it's mindful, it's fun, it's delicious, and that's the life I want to live. When I lost my smell and taste last year, I literally almost broke down in tears. I freaking love food and I can't imagine a life where I don't get to fully enjoy it. So this part is actually super important. So many women tell me that they struggle with their body image and how it affects their intimacy and pleasure.

I've heard over and over again how women feel like they need to have sex with the lights off or with some of their clothing on, or they won't let their partners touch certain parts of their bodies. They feel completely in their heads. They can't get into their bodies as real intimacy and higher levels of pleasure, demand. I've definitely been through all of that myself.

This year has been a sexual revolution for my husband and I, which I'm excited to share at a later point, but the only way I got there was through years of inner work and honestly, a lot of body image work. I remember the very first time I really allowed my husband to grab my stomach, which has been an insecurity for me in the past. It completely changed our dynamic and brought us so much closer, and it was actually super hot.

If we don't love our bodies, we can't stop thinking about the things we're insecure about when we're naked, and that can really hold us back from the sexual experiences that are available and possible for us. Okay, so next thing, clothing. I'm a creative person. I love fashion. I love expressing myself through clothing, jewelry, lingerie. When I don't feel comfortable in my skin, it really limits my ability to express myself and wear what I really want to wear.

I think a lot of us will think, oh, I'm a mom, so I can't wear that, or, I live in this community, so there's no way in hell I can wear that. But if we're really honest with ourselves, a lot of it comes down to how we're feeling about our bodies and if we think we can pull something off or not. As much as I love big sweatshirts and leggings, I don't wanna feel like I can't wear anything else. And like I mentioned before, I don't wanna feel like I need to hide my body.

I want to feel comfortable being seen. The next place that I found negative body image to be holding women back is online. And specifically with their businesses and careers. As an entrepreneur, I had to get really comfortable with being uncomfortable with sharing things online, whether that be pictures or vulnerable posts, or going live on Facebook or Instagram.

I've worked with clients who are business owners who don't even have a profile picture of themselves, or they didn't, at the beginning of working together, it was blank, or they had a picture of a flower or their pet. They didn't wanna be seen, and that is partly to do with their feelings about their bodies and the way that they look.

I've worked with women both in my coaching programs and through boudoir who have used their new found self-confidence to grow their business exponentially because they are more comfortable in their skin and being seen as their authentic selves. They're able to do all of the things that they want and need to do to grow their business. If we don't like the way we look, we might not take as many opportunities or even subconsciously cut off opportunities that are right in front of us.

When we're confident in ourselves, a lot more doors will open for us. Okay, so I just have two more ways that body image may be holding us back and they're important ones. I know a lot of people really care about this. It's the way that loving or not loving our bodies can affect our children. When we don't love our bodies, it's very hard to pass down body positivity and self-love to the next generation. And I'll give you a few of my own examples.

When I was in the thick of body image struggles, I'd weigh myself every day. And I, of course did not want my kids to see that. So I'd run into the bathroom and shut the door. But kids pick up on that stuff, they just do.

Or I'd be silently counting calories and restricting my food, or we'd go out for ice cream but I'd say to my kids that I wasn't in the mood and they pick up on all of that and they relate to themselves in different ways and relate to food in different ways based on how we are interacting with ourselves and what our relationship to food is. It affects the way we speak to ourselves, which also informs the beliefs our children will have about their own bodies.

This is an ever evolving journey and we're not going to be perfect at it. There is literally no perfect parent, but it's kind of cool to know that as we love ourselves more, it teaches and inspires our kids to love themselves too, and we can't really ask for more than that. This is definitely a topic that I'd like to go into more depth about in the future. And lastly, having a poor body image can and most likely will hold us back from physically taking care of ourselves.

We think that we need shame as a motivator, or that we need to be critiquing ourselves in order to get shit done. But there is a ton of research to prove the opposite. The more love and compassion we can give ourselves, the more inspired and motivated we will be with our personal goals. So that could be the basics, which are actually not so basic for a lot of people. But sleep, water, eating, nutritious food, getting in movement.

It could mean taking time for yourself, creating healthy boundaries. It could mean just going to the doctor. I had an amazing client who was in my group coaching program. She started the program feeling really down about herself, even though she knew all the things she needed to do, she just didn't feel the desire to take care of herself, to go to the doctor, to work out, to eat foods that worked best for her body. She wanted to feel inspired and motivated again.

And so just a few weeks into the program after specifically working on her body image and giving herself the love and compassion that was necessary. She was already in a consistent workout routine, taking care of her mind, body, and soul in a multitude of ways. We cannot hate ourselves into a version of ourselves that we will love. It just doesn't work. So with that, I'll wrap up episode one. This is really exciting, guys. I'm so glad that I got to talk to you today.

I'd love for you to reach out to me or tag me on Instagram and tell me which part of this episode resonated with you the most, and be sure to tune into the next episode. I'll be dishing out some juicy stuff about the Netflix show, Love is Blind, and it's gonna be a lot of fun. All right, love you all. Until next time.