Hating How We Look in Pictures

It's something that informs their body image and how confident they are. It's something that is so uncomfortable and they can't seem to get away from it. Can you guess what it is? Pictures. It makes so much sense to me that I got into body image coaching through my work as a boudoir photographer because photography brings out a ton of emotion in people, and oftentimes a lot of discomfort.

Literally every single week I get emails saying, "I'm interested in doing a boudoir session, but I'm so scared." And then I learn that their wedding pictures were a disaster, or they cried when they got their kid's Bar Mitzvah photos, usually because they didn't recognize themselves. Or that they avoid pictures at all costs because they're just not "photogenic."

I would say that the majority of women have had less than amazing experiences being photographed and generally feel awkward or in their head. This is so normal. It's literally the most normal thing in the world. I'm talking about this today because I want women to know a couple things about pictures. Number one, a lot of photographers do not have experience with taking portraits of women, or they're not sensitive enough to deeply understand how a woman would perceive themselves.

Generally, if you're at an event or taking a group shot, it's very difficult for a photographer to think specifically about you, how your chin is angled, if you should put your shoulders back, or even just take a deep breath so that you can get out of your head. These photographers are generally thinking about the composition of the photograph, the light, the overarching feeling, and artistic feel of the picture. And they're not thinking about how you look in it.

So it's super easy for you to see a picture of yourself that is less than flattering. And when I say flattering, I don't just mean that you look thinner than you actually are. I mean that you look closest to yourself, that the picture is bringing out the beauty in you. Number two, if you're thinking about the last picture your partner took of you and cringing, even more so please, please, please do not think that this picture is accurate.

There is so much that goes into creating a beautiful image, and if you're not a photographer or have an artistic and sensitive eye, any one little thing can throw it all off. The lighting, the angle, the posing, the camera, the lens, the composition, the feeling of the moment, literally moving your face or your hand a millimeter could change the way you look and the way your picture will come out.

A couple people have told me that maybe instead of doing a professional boudoir shoot, they'd just have their partner take some sexy pictures of them. Don't do this. Unless, of course your partner is really good at it. If they don't have the eye for it, there's just no way that they will come out the way that you hope for them to be. And oftentimes it makes women second guess themselves and their body image is affected by it. If you have any doubt, just don't do it.

Number three, the lens you're using changes everything. The actual physical lens, there are lenses that can distort the way you look. Especially if it's a wide angle lens, your body and face can appear significantly wider than what it is. I have a specific portrait lens that I use when I photograph women so that your body and face appear as they are in real life. So for those of you who think the camera adds weight onto your body, it's actually just the lens.

Not that there is anything wrong with being large, it's just that when you look at a picture of yourself, you wanna see you and when it feels off, when it feels like this isn't me, it's an uneasy and uncomfortable feeling. Even if you look amazing, but don't look or feel like you. That's something that I really work with my clients on when they prepare for a boudoir session. We don't want the makeup and hair and lingerie to feel like armor or a costume.

We want it to feel like it enhances their natural beauty and helps them see themselves for who they really are. Even with posing and style of photos, there's a line between pushing my clients outside of their comfort zone and doing something that is totally not them. So that's something I'm just really aware of. I want the feeling and the images to be timeless, and I want you to look back on them and think, wow, that's me. I'm so beautiful, and feel this proud and life-affirming energy.

Number four, most of us hate being photographed so much that we stay in our heads the entire time the camera is on us. Even though that's not my experience, and I actually love being photographed by photographers that I trust, I completely understand why women feel this way. I completely understand how experiences in the past have led them to feeling that they're just not photogenic and they want to run away from pictures. The truth is being photogenic, or not, is a myth, at least in my opinion.

I'd say that probably 60% of my clients tell me that they are not photogenic, but end up loving their boudoir images. Why? Because it's never about them not being photogenic. It was all these other factors that have to do with the photographer, the circumstances, the ability for them to be present and comfortable and trust the process, as well as intentionally cultivating the feeling of feeling beautiful and sexy in their skin.

What I'm saying is if we're not comfortable in a picture, that will come through. If we're not present, that will come through. If we're thinking thoughts like, "I wonder what these pictures will look like," or, "I don't think this pose is that great," or "I feel awkward and silly trying to be sexy."

Those thoughts will often translate to the images, and even if they don't translate physically, when you look at the images, your brain will connect how you felt in the moment to the actual picture, and you might like them a little less. This is why I see boudoir as an embodiment practice. Every single client of mine goes through a process of coaching, mindfulness practices like meditation and journaling, as well as setting personal goals so that they can truly let go on the day of the session.

I also set up the day so that people feel relaxed as they get their hair and makeup done. We chill and drink coffee and listen to music. Sometimes I'll even meditate with my clients before we begin, and I have things that I do throughout the session to bring people back to their bodies. It's all about being in your body, letting go, trusting yourself, and trusting the process. If you've never experienced this before, it's probably hard to let go when someone else takes a picture of you.

It makes 100% sense. The point is, when we can be in our bodies and be in the moment, our most beautiful and authentic selves will come through. Our healing journey and personal development can really contribute to this as well. That brings me to number five. If you work on your body image, you will like pictures of yourself more, and the ones that you don't like, you won't care about as much. It won't take up brain space in a way that it once did.

If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know that working on your body image is foundational and can change so many parts of your life, and this is one of them. When I start working with my clients one-on-one or in my signature group coaching program, women start taking more pictures of themselves and not hiding from pictures, in general. It's pretty much a direct link.

As you start to like the way you look more, you start to like the pictures of yourself more and you're compassionate to yourself, if it doesn't look the way you envisioned it to be, or it doesn't fit into societal standards of beauty. That's actually a huge part of it as well. As you reprogram your brain to not associate thin with beautiful or healthy or ideal.

As you start to see the beauty in every single kind of body, curvy or not, big boobs or small boobs, short hair, long hair or no hair, bodies with scars and wrinkles. Then you start to see your body differently, and when you look at a picture of yourself, it will bring you joy. You will see the beauty in it, even if it's not "perfect."

If you're working on your body image and it's improving, you're also looking at yourself in the mirror more, so you know what you look like and if the picture doesn't represent you well, it's obvious. I often blame bad lighting and weird lenses for pictures I don't like of myself, and that definitely serves me well. It's just not a big deal anymore if I don't like a picture of myself because that picture isn't me. Number six, the last one, which is super important.

Women often judge themselves for even caring about this at all. They think it's vain or superficial. Why do I even care about the way I look? First of all, babe, look at the world around you. Of course, you care about how you look. Diet culture has associated thinness and beauty to being healthy, to being more moral, to being in a higher status of society. To being more disciplined and overall just better than people who do not fit into that box.

Of course, we want to be desired and appreciated and seen for who we are, and society has created a really small window of what is acceptable, that almost nobody fits into. It's such bullshit. Honestly. We feel wrong. We feel ugly. We feel rejected. We feel like we're just not disciplined or good enough. How terrible is that? But when you think about the idea of simply being seen and desired by another person, that's a natural human need.

There is nothing wrong with wanting that kind of recognition. I'd venture to say that it's really fucking important. It's not vain or superficial to want that. It's not even vain to want your body to look a certain way or want to lose weight. But the issue that I do take with intentional weight loss is that our desire for that is not natural. That didn't come from us. That desire comes from us being a victim of diet culture.

And when we decide to continue that cycle, we perpetuate diet culture even more. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you want to look a certain way, but it is helpful to recognize where it's coming from, especially if you'd like to change your mindset and have a deeper and more positive relationship with your body. So I'm here to tell you all, stop feeling badly about feeling badly. Your feelings are normal. They are welcome here. They are okay.

Let's just stomp the shame out of caring about our looks, once and for all. The way you see your body affects every part of your life. When you like the way you look, you show up differently for yourself and everyone else around you. That's like the least vain or selfish thing in the world. Also you can ask yourself, how would you want your daughter or son to feel about their body? Would you want them to love and appreciate it or simply tolerate it?

So let's sum up here what we've been talking about today. One, lots of professional photographers are not experienced or sensitive enough to understand what you want to see when you look at an image of yourself. And it is that much more difficult when it's at an event or there are other people in the photograph. Number two, people without photography experience will often take unflattering pictures of you, that do not represent what you actually look like.

Number three, the lens people are using changes everything, and can really distort your body. Number four, being photogenic is a myth. Number five, working on your body image will significantly change the way you see yourself in pictures. And number six, caring about the way you look is not vain or superficial. It's actually really deep and is human nature. So there you have it.

It breaks my heart when people tell me about their experience with pictures of themselves because I know that it doesn't have to be that way. And even if you're not doing a boudoir session, feeling comfortable with pictures is really important. Can you imagine going your entire life with barely having any pictures of yourself? Nothing for you to look back on and remember meaningful parts of your journey. Nothing for your kids to love and appreciate as you get older and after you're gone.

I know that it is so healing to see pictures of myself at different stages of my life. I've even done inner child work as I've looked at pictures of myself, and when I see my parents with me as a baby, it reminds me of their deep and true love for me. Even though our relationship is complicated in the present day. Could you imagine if they were too self-conscious to never be in a picture?

Photography is so fucking healing in so many ways, and when we run away from pictures, it's almost like we're running away from ourselves. It points to where we are struggling with ourselves, and it is an opportunity to start working through things and grow from within. I feel this way because I've seen it so clearly in the last decade of being a boudoir photographer.

I've seen the internal transformations firsthand, and being aware and doing the work can literally change everything in your life. I want that for every single one of you. I want you to feel so fucking beautiful. I want you to love how you look in pictures. I want you to be able to be free from the limiting beliefs running through your mind all day long. I want you to experience pleasure and nourishment from eating. I want you to know that the world is full of possibilities.

I want you to feel safe to be your sexy and authentic self in every single area of your life. I mean, if you want that for yourself, I want that for you too. I'm not telling anybody what to do. Okay, y'all, thanks for tuning in. I also wanna mention that if you're interested in coaching or boudoir, please reach out to me. I offer free consultations right now. You can email me at rebecca@rebeccasigala.com and we will figure out a time to connect. I'll be back next week with more of this goodness.

Stay sexy. Love you all.