EP. 80: don't make [assumptions]

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And you know how that is, and you end up just kinda like getting in that freeze mode. So, out of the freeze mode, accepting that this is the message I have for this time and allowing myself to um enjoy the fact that I have the freedom to bring it up again later or as need be. So all right, let's get into it. So in the book The last agreement is don't make assumptions.

The book says find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

I think that you revisit these over and over and over and they grow with you. So I believe that on the most primary level of me getting into my self discovery journey, that is how I also took that particular agreement of don't make assumptions. I think that overall it made me step into a more secure and confident and aware and mature young woman. And I mean that to say just sometimes when people make a whole bunch of assumptions, it's just clear that they're insecure.

Like where you was at or like when people constantly assume negative things, like it just starts revealing their own insecurities within themselves or in their choice of friendships in the past and things like that. And so I think that Me tackling the no assumption thing on the most basic level helped me to understand that assumption is not directness. Those two are not the same thing.

not making assumptions helped me to step into being a more direct person. Now I I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm a Aries. You know what I'm saying? I'm fire sign, sun and rising. So I don't really have difficulty being blunt, but there's a d a difference between bluntness and directness and it not having that underlying passive aggressive tone. You know what I mean? Like

to be a better friend or person to deal with, a lot of us should do this. I don't like people making assumptions about me at all because also when you make these assumptions, you're also making it seem as though someone has to explain every single detail to you. And That's not necessary. Like that person's gonna have to kind of like bend their boundaries to make you feel comfortable to help talk you through your own assumption. If you have a question about something from me, I expect you to

Because I don't know why anyone would expect me to overshare unnecessarily because then that person will feel like they're overexplaining or having to explain everything. If you have a question, you're responsible. Don't expect people to just overshare and over give because then they're exhausted. I think with everything with everything in life, there's duality. It's not just about how it affects you. It's about okay, how would the other person on the other side

feel or perceive this. And when we go under this the knife of figuring out ourselves, right? Cutting away the things that we don't want and keeping the things that we do, a lot of us are like, you know what, why am I overexplained? And we're prepared to cut off people that require us to do so. So if you're a person that makes assumptions all the time.

That's might be why people are cutting you off because the higher they go in their healing journey and just what makes them feel comfortable in their own skin, they're realizing they don't have to perform so.

So, yeah. Anyways, um, I also wanted to pull up the definition of assumption, okay, because When I when I if I if I honestly just look back and reflect on myself, I can say that I'm a pretty secure, confident and aware and mature young woman, right?

So the fact that I'm sitting here talking to y'all about being a bankrupt millionaire and if you go bankrupt in one area of your life you bankrupt in another, I why are we here? We're coming back to revisit these four agreements because somewhere along the way D I messed up. And not just messed up. I was just unaware or not sure how I got myself into these situations.

I didn't get there by blatantly making some crazy ass mistakes. Everything I did was calculated, right? But it's what they were built off of. So On this one, I had to dig a little deeper to figure out how the hell like, okay, you got all four agreements. I see where I where I played myself with those, but don't make assumptions. I don't make assumptions. What you talking about? And here's how

I found out that is not true. Not not true at all. I absolutely messed up when it came to this agreement. So The definition of assumption is one, a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen without proof. And And number two, the action of taking on power or responsibility. That is the death.

So let's start with the first one. The biggest thing that I realized I ignored was the duality of that. A thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen without proof. And I think that we forget that. That's not just negative things. It's also the positive. I genuinely do not assume a lot of negative things about people. Why? Because I'm not judgmental. Okay, that's fair. Yay, for Samaya, two points. But why is it on the other hand, I do assume the positive.

About others, right? I don't assume negative about But I do assume the positive. That is just as equally dangerous because it's not true. You actually have no proof of that. That means that people can talk. And you'll say, Oh, okay and start putting your resources towards it because They say they wanna do this, you believe. That would be an assumption. I hear you talking, but I can't really make a judgment call off of that because I don't have any information.

Cause when it comes to something negative, I don't jump the gun. When y'all was in high school, y'all ever have to sell them not to be a good one. Or or you was trying to get a job and they tried to get you in one of them pyramid schemes, right? You know what I'm saying? Eventually the proof doesn't add up and you're like, yeah, this ain't gonna work.

But once you get to a certain age, you have to realize that we're doing that when it comes to people and assuming they're positive. And on the flip side of that, why is it that we force ourselves to not assume negative things about others. And then we fall into assuming more positive things. But when it comes to ourselves We easily fall into the negative assumptions about ourselves and you gotta beat you into assuming something positive.

With the positive though, you need a whole bunch of proof. I need to see you gotta you gotta not get no sleep, you gotta have three jobs. You gotta have a good partner. You gotta be super fit for you to assume that you are healthy, that you are happy, that you have a balanced life. You you need everything. It's so hard to ever get you to assume something positive about yourself because you need So much perfection. Which doesn't exist, right? So you're never gonna get there.

But then when it comes to the negative, you will have no fucking proof at all. And to the contrary, you will have a whole bunch of proof that you are a great person and still assume all these negative things about yourself. And you can hear it and how you talk to yourself. You know? So why is it what the hell is that? What the helly? What the hell? What is that? So

I think that when it comes to that definition, that's what I'm I'm looking at. So let's let's dig into that a little bit before we move on. Um so

The thing is is that when you when we go back to looking at assumptions as negative and positive, let's let's stay on that. One of the reasons that a person that makes a lot of negative assumptions um Or and when I say person, I mean job, entity, group, energy, a cult like a a certain type of culture. I mean so for some people that might be

whatever religion you grew up in. Like some people might be like, Oh, Christians are very judgmental. They always assume the worst. They assume if you got a boyfriend you sleeping with'em. I know that's how I grew up in the church. There was a whole bunch of assumptions. Sometimes those assumptions can feel like a crash out for lack of control or a crash out to maintain control. Like

You know, in a s in a certain sense. Anyways, I've just found that When people make a lot of assumptions, they give themselves a green light and almost like a full speed run ahead into victim mentality, hating, gossip and complain. I feel like it's a first class ticket. Like if you're making assumptions, I feel like the chances of you

Falling into victim mentality are much easier. Why why do you say that, Samaya? So glad that you asked. If you're making negative assumptions, because remember we're talking about negative and positive. When it goes to negative, you'll be like, Don't nobody fuck with me'cause ain't nobody come to my my first ever event. Like this why people don't be doing nothing. Like you making negative assumptions.

For people not showing up to something when it's your very first one. So that puts a lot of pressure on who you thought was supposed to show up, right? You assume That I think that's just it puts you in a victim mentality when you start judging the people that didn't do that didn't do something that you wanted them to do. Oh, so and so acting different because now they booking these bigger deals, da da da da. You have so many thoughts about why somebody else is

doing something. You've already attached a negative connotation to it. But what that tells me on the other side when I'm listening to people say something like that is you don't actually have a real relationship enough with this person to even ask if that's true. So you're m making all these rash judgments that are all negative. Not like, oh my gosh, I bet they are so busy that it is like just really hard for them to even come to w the the original whatever. You know what I'm saying? Like

It i it it's it's it's just so crazy and and working with the content house, I saw it a lot. I was working with a lot of people through podcasting. And so I got to hear how people would make a lot of assumptions about them. But it's like behind the scenes a lot of the work that it takes, the cost that it takes, like People will assume something negative so fast and they have no idea the the true stuff that's like on the plate to actually make that thing happen.

And so to perceive someone that you're not even close enough to to actually get the clarity, it's just a red flag. Okay. So yes, we're talking about assessing ourselves, but also we're talking about Are you requiring the people around you to also have these four agreements. Like they're not gonna work if if you're the only one that abides by these things and offers these type of things. That means that you're gonna be a well-rounded, secure individual

But you allow everybody else to be everything else. No, we gotta start getting picky. I don't I don't I'm not judgmental. I really don't be giving a fuck what people do. I do give a damn if we all live in by these four agreements, if you're gonna be in my circle. Okay?

Because if you were in the same position you would know you would know if that's true or not, or that's what you would do if you were in that situation. Like It it just gives hating. And also it it it is just a a slide away from gossip because if it's not true and you're talking about it, you're spreading it, it's your i it's the energy that you bring in, how is that not gossip? You know, so

Yeah. And I think the biggest one is the victim mentality. And that the all these play on the same team. Victim mentality, hating, gossip, complaining, all on the same team. So that's why I think that it it's just simpler and less judgmental just to say I would just prefer people to not make so many assumptions. I think you also need to make sure that the people around you are not making assumptions about you. I found that

last year when I started getting into taking care of myself, you know, I passed out from dehydration. I was overworking myself. I went bankrupt. Like I got myself sick in multiple areas of my life, right? And People started assuming or acting different or passive aggressive with me, the more that I started taking care of myself.

And I had to ask, why did you make this type of assumption like that? But when I was self-sacrificing, you were encouraging me. I was not okay. You were encouraging that. Why is it that when I overshared you felt more comfortable? But when I shared an appropriate amount of information and stopped oversharing to everyone, you no longer felt comfortable.

We have to understand that when you allow some of these things, you end up attracting or baiting in some of those traits that are really wanting to be controlled. Because as long as you overshare, then you're gonna make someone who who wants to know everything about you feel more comfortable. I don't wanna attract people with my oversharing because of that. Now they require it. Now they think, oh, okay, this is gonna be a person that overshare.

Also passive aggressiveness. When I hear passive aggressiveness What that tells me is that you have made a negative assumption about me and you have put it into play. You have made a negative assumption and now you believe it to be so. You are acting on it as if it is so and you haven't even spoken to me about it.

Whatever I did, even if I did something that hurt your feelings or that you read the wrong way, why would you not get clarity on it? People will start acting on what their mind has perceived without giving you a chance to clear your name or even express yourself, even if you did do something wrong.

Since when is not apolog like since when can people not apologize? I think people should be able to apologize if they did hurt your feelings or they did something or say, damn, I didn't realize it affected you like that. That was not my intention, but I fully acknowledge that this hurt you and I apologize.

Sometimes people don't want to address things with you because they want something to be wrong with you. You know, so you really gotta look at the root of the passive aggressive, the assumption, especially if it's always negative.

You know what I'm saying? Like i this the same with myself. If if I never give myself if I never make positive assumptions about myself, then it'll feel normal when other people don't make a lot of positive assumptions about myself. if I'm always quick to make a negative assumption about myself, like, oh, you over ate, oh, you could have done this better. Oh, you're not doing enough work, it's gonna give people the green light to treat me the same way and it doesn't feel as good.

You be like, uhuh, the only person that can mistreat me is me. And that's not how it worked. How you treat yourself is what is going to feel comfortable or normal and it's not gonna raise any type of red flag when someone else

does it to you. They're it it all feels the same. You don't even realize it until they go too damn far. Now they meaner to you than you mean to you. Okay? Just watch out for that, right? Watch out for people with themselves. If they always make negative assumptions about themselves and never positive

Eventually in that relationship, whether it's business or friendship, romantic, they're gonna expect you to fill those gaps. They're gonna expect you to make positive assumptions about them despite them not. All right, now on the other side of that with the positive. And when I say the positive Someone doing something for you or whatever, sometimes we attach a very strong positive assumption.

When it's just them being polite or giving you the respect that you are due. A good example of that is a lot of People will be like, oh, that's a good that's a good man. And I'm not being sexist here. I'm just a woman. So my example is a man. That's a that's a good man. He do this for you and do that for you, he da da da da da and then they le they're naming off things that are the standard. Like, he got a job, he opened a door for you, like

Why are you giving gold stars for people having the bare minimum? Or for them just treating you properly? How is that showing? I I I i i it e even even with women, like women will do it. A man will open your door or have like just chivalry and respect you. Like your booty call will make sure that you got home safe. Like, hey, did you make it home? And now you fall in for your booty call because they were polite to you. Do you know how much

I'ma say kooty cat because I'm really trying to do better, y'all. How much koody cat people get off of just having manner? And now in your mind you have made all these positive assumptions that they really like you, they're a really good person, they're a really good guy, da da da da da da da. One thing I tell people all the time

My ex husband did not like me. He swear to he swear to this day that that's not true. Yes it is. You don't you don't care for me. I'm not your cup of tea. I really don't give a fuck. It's okay. But there was never a rude bone

in that man body. That that that man was a southern dude. Like he was the most chivalrous in in in the basic senses. Like he was he always wanted to grab the door, right? And then I look at the TikTok the little tic tac comments And they like, may this love hit me at full speed. A man can open the door for you and still be plotting on you, be jealous of you, everything else. Like a lot of us make quick, fast assumptions.

about the good stuff. Ultimately, because we we want someone to to feel that way about us. But there's actually no proof of that. Even when it comes to like um the the type of contracts or projects I would I used to say yes to. I would say yes based off of what was picked. Oh, I think, you know, this would be a good idea, da da da da da da da. But it wasn't like sir submit to y sub and I'm not saying people didn't have to submit their work to me.

I would look at their skill and then I would look at what they said they wanted and see if they had the potential to do it. And that is how I would make an assumption. That is not enough information. The last thing that you need is that proof. Whether it's good or bad. I realized that I started investing in certain people before they had actually invested in themselves.

Having a skill and creating something are still two different things. One of the reasons that I really enjoyed my experience with the Real Mama Pod was because it was a very good decision. Honestly, it was a very good decision. Did it make us a lot of money? No, it did not. But it did everything it said it was gonna do because one they were equipped to do so. They were already doing a show.

They weren't coming to me like, Hey, this is my show idea and I think that this could be profitable for you and da da da da da. First and foremost, I went to them. Because I saw I had the proof that the way they were running, that if they had just tweaked a couple things, I think that they could really make themselves more visible consistently. And that's exactly what happened. We came in, we changed a couple of things and

Nothing else really had to change because they already had proof that their show was good, that it was consistent, that it was that. They weren't asking anybody to they they weren't selling a drink. They weren't selling the dream and all of their blood, sweat, and tears was already in what had been created. So I didn't have to make any assumptions.

The thing about assumption is it is the stepsister of of the benefit of the doubt. If you are making assumptions, ultimately, you're giving the benefit of the doubt. And I don't believe that the benefit of the doubt actually exists. Benefit of the doubt is a placeholder until I reach. Because once I if I feel like, hey You said something to me earlier and it seemed a little passive aggressive or a little snippy. Did I read that correctly or is there anything going on?

And then they say and and and in my mind I can say, No, they ain't mean nothing by it and keep going about my business. Then it starts popping up again and you start making these you know, y you start saying, Nah, that they wouldn't do that, they wouldn't do that. But if you were direct and you would get the clarity that you need. But the problem is sometimes people don't want to get the truth of what's going on because they want their narrative to be true.

They want their narrative to be true, so they don't want to clear it up. Also, they're not really ready to stand on business when they get that real ass answer. People give people the benefit of the doubt. I don't think that the benefit of the doubt exists because usually when you ask someone about it they're going to let you know what it was. They're gonna say, No, I didn't mean anything

I I see how you took that. I apologize. Or oh no, I'm talking about something I didn't even know that happened with you. I was just talking about X, Y, and Z. And then you know it it it it provides clarity. It provides clarity. And when you don't have clarity, then you have the the benefit of the doubt you have confusion and you you it's space for c assumptions. You see how it's kinda like all connected? So I don't I don't give people the benefit of the doubt.

If uh I I I I I I ask. I want to know. Alright, so when it comes to the other part that I messed up with this.

It was the second half of the definition altogether. I didn't even I didn't even acknowledge that second part. When it came to don't make assumptions, I was basically only operating from the perspective of I don't assume things to be true or negative without proof or clearing the air. But this is where I fucked up. This is the part where I fucked up like big time. The action of taking on power or responsibility.

So we're talking about assuming the risks of things as well. Assuming the responsibility of another What you say yes to, what you allow on your plate, what you put on your plate, are you assuming a whole bunch of responsibilities and then saying that oh you don't have a balanced life? Are you helping people with something and then not being clear about your capacity and being able to help and making sure that there are no assumptions that this is going to go on forever?

I found that when I was trying to build the content house, I assumed a lot of responsibility. to make sure that I fulfilled what I said I would do. I told people that hey if we barter then when you do your podcast you can shoot it here for free. But I would help them to create the podcast. That was me assuming a responsibility because I wanted to make sure that I fulfilled my part, right? But I started assuming the responsibility of making sure it would be good. That's none of my goddamn bus.

I'm offering you this for free. If you never show up to shoot it, if you never do the work to create the show to shoot it, that was not my responsibility. And because I started assuming the responsibility or holding them accountable, like, hey, did you do your outline for this? Or like, hey, let's run some ideas.

Because I had assumed the responsibility, it is the responsibility that they held me to. So much so that when I couldn't do that anymore because hey, I need to go find a job because I'm going bankrupt. Because I had assumed a whole bunch of responsibilities that weren't my And what I find is that when you're not willing to discuss the clarity or discuss the assumption of risk and responsibility, you're going to play into the hands of willful ignorance. People will weaponize ignorance.

And when you confront it, they'll say, Oh no, I'm not. Okay, then let's get direct about it. What is my responsibility? Let's line it out. When people don't wanna outline the rules of the contract, when they don't wanna sign contracts, you're assuming. And when it goes left and it's no longer in their favor or they don't reciprocate, they'll say, Oh, you never said that you wanted me to do that.

A lot of people use willful ignorance like in their relationships for fun or to be funny or like with their parents. Like they got a little meme and it says like, Let me call my mama and see if she g wanna go to lunch, her treat.

Sometimes it's willful ignorance. Like you'll get there, you'd be like, Dang, you ain't paying mom like you know what I'm saying? And sometimes we have that like joke with our parents or with our spouse, like, Come on, bae, let me take you out to eat, knowing damn well like they gon' pay or Something like that and it's like a joke but the thing is that a lot of people do that seriously

They do that in business contracts. They do that like I had a homeboy who his parents had helped him get his car And I saw him like try to play his parents and was like, Oh, I didn't know I had to pay the insurance. Like y'all didn't mention that. And I pulled him to the side just like as a friend. I said, That's not cool. I said, First off You should be grateful that they helped you get that. I said, but the fact that you are literally like

having a attitude when you should have asked like, Okay, i do I need to pay the insurance? Do like you know that it's something that you need and you're playing them And that's just how I am as a friend. If I see someone being purposely ignorant about something, I'm gonna say, like, that's not cool. Like what's going on? Like

I do require people to have the same type of approach to certain things. Oh, my gym partner here. Okay. I gotta get ready to go in a second. When you start assuming the risks of things that are not your responsibility i you run the risk of burnout. So let's say like a lot of people, especially single people, do this a lot. A lot of people will assume they have free time just because that person

So I don't know about y'all but if you in the family and you single and you ain't got no kids, I've seen that a lot of people will assume that y'all gonna show up to everything because you don't got no other responsibilities. They assume that you have the time to help out that you know, things like that, or because you're the youngest people assume. Like, you know?

And I found that if you're going to do something with somebody, um, or for somebody, like as a favor or whatever, you guys should be very heavy on the assumptions. So if your sister says, Hey, can you pick the kids up from school? I need you to do that

you know, um, can you pick the kids up from school for me? I I they need another after school daycare and I'm trying to get You might be like, Okay, yeah and then you do it for two weeks or you do it and it ends up being a couple months and now you want to go on vacation and you're like, Hey, I can't do it and now there's a little bit of passive aggressiveness and you like hold the f hold the fucking phone. Like I d

I did this to help, but guess what? You also assume the responsibility by not discussing what are the terms of this, what are the expectations. Hey, I do not want to do this continuously. I can give you about 30 days. That person's response to your boundaries and not making assumptions that this will go on for as long as they need it is going to show you how much people really respect.

You know, like it's gonna show you how much people truly respect you. So when it comes to assumptions, the things I want you to take away from this the most are one

that man being polite because that is his character, not because he's trying to get something from you or because they really like you. Like there's a lot of over positive assumptions and a lot of people are avoiding negative assumptions because they don't want to be direct. They're leaning into passive aggressiveness.

And also because birds of a feather flock together. So a lot of people wanna sit in victim mentality. They wanna hate, they wanna gossip and they hide under the umbrella of calling it an assumption because that sounds way less negative. And the other half is don't forget the full definition. It's not just about assuming something without proof. It's also about What risk and responsibilities have you assumed also without clarity? Make sure that you have the proof for the good and the bad.

Does that person really care about you? Is there proof? Or is everything that they do for you also of benefit to them? And I'm not telling you to test people. I'm saying learn to ask for stuff just like you learn to give. You have no problem giving and helping and all that other shit. If you never ask for anything, you can never really Assess if the people around you are loyal or care for you or if these situations

also want the relationship to be healthy. You're assuming it because you never actually require other people to do anything to show up for you because you're uncomfortable with receiving, but that's a whole So I hope that you guys enjoyed the series on the four agreements. Please, please, please let me know if you have more questions, if you want to dig into this, and make sure that you join us on Patreon because my community meets every Sunday. And so

when I put these out, we always discuss these things there. We relate it back to your birth chart and we like come up with actionable steps for for each person. Like everybody is different. And so If you need some advice or just want to chit-chat it up with me or join the community, please do so. And also, if you like this one, I definitely suggest you check out.

Clarity is lack of confusion. It's something like that. I'll link it below. But I think that that is also a really good one to listen to as it relates Love you guys. I hope you enjoyed the series. Thank you for tuning in. And if nothing else, please recommend this video on YouTube. My YouTube is monetized, and you can also check out my van life content as well. I put up a I love y'all. Bye.