292. If You Feel Hopeless… Watch This

I still feel a bit under the weather. So no, I don't have the energy to even try to put makeup on my face right now. I'm in a big old Grand T shirt and I'm loving that for me right now. And I also, oh, here's the big part of the podcast. I don't feel that hopeful this week. I just don't. Okay, I don't feel like being hopeful. I'm always so positive. This podcast is literally called that bitch is Positive. Well, guess what this week? This bitch

is nihilistic. Okay, she is nihilistic. I've had like twelve existential crisis sees in the past week and a half. I do believe Wuthering Heights has caused that. I was watching the damn movie and then these channel messages started coming through. I had a karate chop them away. They were coming at me fast, and I realized for this collective, but I'm included in it. So I say, we we have been looking for our yellow person, okay, and yet

all if we've been getting is orange people. We've been having orange connections, orange conversations, and I'm just using random colors because this is how it came through. We have been in orange places, and all we want is the damn yellow. We want the yellow connection, the yellow conversation, our yellow person, the person that feels like we've known them for lifetimes. And I'm gonna start crying. I can already feel it. This podcast has no point. Okay, this

is a nihilistic episode. It has no point besides me talking. There might be some codes in here that elevate your consciousness. I don't know. I have no idea what's about to happen. I'm just showing up because last week when I did it, some people yelled at me, meaning you guys, the positive bitches.

I don't work for anyone but God. Anyway, I've realized in my life, in collective's life, that we have been looking for our yellow and every time we date someone or have a friendship and we realize, uh, they're just orange. They are just orange. It's so disappointing. It's so disappointing. I asked you, guys, what do you want to hear on this week's podcast? And there was something that I'm gonna cry. There's something that caught my eye. It was

how to find excitement to live. I don't want dopamine from food people's stuff. I try a lot of new things, but everything feels so shallow and boring and I don't recognize me. Welcome to the party. Do you like it here? Do you like being self aware? Is it fun for you? It's a lot of fun for me. I don't actually wish this, but I will say it would be so much easier for us if we could just be in a cow and date Dave from the freaking hall down

the whatever. I don't know what I'm saying here. You know what I'm saying, though, It would be so much easier if we could settle for orange connections and an orange life and orange relationships. But we just know that's not our destined frequency. It's not where we're meant to be. And when I was channeling, what I heard is every time you release someone, it's not even that orange person that you care about, that you want back, that you wish it would have worked out with. You're mourning the

fact that they are not your yellow person. Every time you said bye to Bob or Steve or Karen wasn't really about them. You were just upset that they were freaking orange. And all you want is a yellow person, a yellow connection. The disappointment of it all is just a lot. Sometimes I still know that yellow eggs for me, and I know it exists for you. So even when I'm nihilistic af I still have like a little bit

of hope. You can take the girl out of Florida because I'm in New York right now, but you can't take the hope out of the girl, even when she wants to be a nihilist. Apparently I have really taken out anything that has brought me joy, like my codependent relationships. Goodbye, no thank you. I want to break the generational curse on my family. I don't want to become it. I have completely gone off coffee, but I do have good news.

I am allowed to start mushroom coffee or mushroom macha now on this cleanse, at the phase I'm at so cool vibes, I have completely unplugged from any binging issue that I've ever had, And like, I know what this person is saying. I feel like right now I'm just a bleak bitch and it is what it is. I feel everything so deeply, and I'm feeling this deeply right now.

And what I don't feel like doing is putting on makeup and like being that version of myself because that's not how I feel right now, and I just don't care to feel fake about it. So this is life again. If you're still watching, I didn't even I told you to click off shit. I think I still have hope. I'm sorry. I still believe in something. That's who we are, can we if you have found this random video on YouTube, this is just who we are. We're that of the

builders of the ant. My cousin just sent me something today. She said something about bamboo. She said, bamboo gets watered for three years and nothing happens. Then it grows ninety feet in six weeks. Those three years weren't wasted. They were the foundation that made growth possible. I know that we are the builders, and so it is going to be dark Knight of the Soul, after dark Knight of the Soul, after existential crisis. I mean, I remember my

first existential crisis. I didn't know what to call it, but I remember I was sitting I think it was in the backseat and we were in front of like Dunkin Donuts or something CBS, and I remember literally questioningly, what is all of this for and what's the point of any of this? And logically I know, but I think sometimes you go through that revolving door so many times that you're just so tired. And that's definitely why

my body made itself sick to just rest. It was like Christas, stop stop going out, stop seeing people, stop doing everything. You need to chill. I think this is really BEU full moment in my life because I get to reevaluate everything. I get to say what actually is bringing me joy and what is it? Who do I want to keep around and who do I not. So if you're having an existential crisis. What a time to

be alive. Honestly, we get to reevalguate and one of my favorite things about myself, I'm gonna hype myself up for a moment. I don't stay stuck. I don't. I see so many people in my family in codependent relationships. They're not even happy, They're literally miserable. They want to escape them. And I did that. I did that. I was in a seven year relationship and I ended that. And then I listened to Ray's new album How She's Been Loved Before nighting Gale Lane the song oh Oh Gosh.

I listened to it and I started crying on the plane because I miss what that felt like to be so loved by someone. But they're not my yellow so like it doesn't even matter because I don't want them. I just miss that feeling. And I think it's important to recognize that sometimes we think we miss someone, but we don't actually miss them. We miss what they were able to make us feel. Maybe we even miss parts of the connection, but if we were to go back,

we wouldn't actually be happy. And we need to remember that I really love love, and I love being in a relationship with the right person. The wrong person will make you ugly, and I've been that ugly version of myself. I don't want to go back to that one hundred percent. No, I don't want to go back to that. But I just love love, and I do, and I don't want to be like how everyone else has been, where they deny what they want to other people because they don't

have it. I think so many celebrities do that. I know Taylor Swift at one point said she didn't even want marriage in a song even and said that she would say she didn't want it, but of course she did. And I say, of course, because most women do. And if that offends you, I don't care. You need to seek help.

And I think for me, I've changed so much mind, body, spirit, soul, working with energy coaches and all these different things, and I'm way more peaceful now than ever and happier than ever. But I still have this feeling disappointment, and I think that it's just there's nothing to say about it. Sorry, Like that's just it. I'm just sharing my thoughts. I don't have a teaching moment. In my past. I would bypass my emotions and intellectualize them and try to just

find a silver lining. And I don't really want to do that anymore because it's kind of boring. It's like psychological coffee. You're just always pumping yourself up with a caffeinated thought to get you through the day. And I don't want to live on caffeated thoughts. I want.

parties for like, do you know what I mean? One time I was at a wedding and I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom, and I just cried. Not because I wanted marriage in that moment, I was disgusted by how matrixy it all felt, how fake it all felt. I'm like, why the hell am I even here? What is anyone doing here? What is this even about? I can't help that, that's how my brain operates. But I love the person who got married, and I'm so

happy for her and him, and I hope. I really do believe they're in love, and I really do believe they'll have a beautiful marriage. But the whole celebration of it all, maybe want to cry because it felt fake. I have this picture when I was little and I was on Santa Claus's lap and I was hysterically crying. My face is beat red. I look miserable in the photo, and it's so symbolic of how I feel about things lately.

And maybe it's the I don't know war and Iran, or maybe it's how weird everyone is now I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just everything. Maybe it's me, am I the corporate of my own life. Damn it. But I didn't think a dark Knight of the soul could go any deeper. I've had like seventeen million of them. But I think the deeper you go, the more isolating it is. And I just look at people and I still don't want to be that. I don't think ignorance is bliss. I rather be me. I rather know, I

rather take the road less traveled. I rather do what my mission is and my divine assignment is. But I think when you're on this type of path, which if you're listening, you're on this type of path where your life is going to look different, whether it's your career or your love life or everything, you are meant to be used as an instrument of the divine. What I

would love is to find those moments of pleasure. Again, I'm so against hedonism where you're all about pleasure all the time, because I really know what my life is supposed to look like and what yours is going to look like. But I do think I would love some pleasure enjoy right now, like I really would, maybe it's the no coffee. Maybe it's the abstinence, the no alcohol, the no cookies, no cakes, no nothing. Maybe it's the

strict cleanse that I'm on. Maybe I'm going too far in one direction, one end of the spectrum, and I'm wanting to polarize now, But I just feel like I need a metaphor cigarette or something to be like for a damn minute, and you know, to be honest, I was looking at my vision board the other day and even that kind of felt new matrixy, like what And I think while I've had the flu and I all I could do is rest, there was this beautiful feeling

that I really loved. And it was that feeling of surrender. I'm not gonna work out and I'm just gonna let my body do its thing. I'm not gonna take any clients and I'm just gonna allow life to do its thing right now. I'm gonna take my herbs and I'm gonna let my body heal and everything's gonna be fine. And then when I look at my vision board again, I'm like, oh, like, I don't really feel like envisioning all this and I don't really feel like feeding this with energy, and I kind of just want God to

do the damn thing. And there's so much peace in that. I think some of us get too wrapped up in manifestation that yes we do have co control. Yes it's important to feed your energy to that which you do want, but sometimes it's so nice to just take a back seat and say, you know what, I surrender God, just do it for me. And that's I think that's where I am right now. And this won't be every season.

This is just my current season. And I do feel quite existential, and I do feel a little bit nihilistic, and I do feel not hopeless. Hopeless isn't the right word. It's like I'm seeing the world so clearly and it's making me disgusted. Like I can feel so clearly that it's making me disgusted. That's what I'm feeling. I still love hope for us and me, and I still believe in yellow. I'm always gonna believe. I don't care if

I'm fifty. Okay, you will see me on YouTube, you will hear me on Spotify or Apple podcasts wherever you listen. By the way, don't forget. Please give this a thumbs up like a subscribe so we can grow this damn thing. I would always be like this, I promise, but this week I am. I rather go to sleep every single night by myself and have peace in my heart that I'm not laying down next to an orange person, then give up on believing in yellow. I rather be alone

than giving up on believing in yellow. I rather be in this season right now, sad and still believe in a yellow person. I'd rather give all of my energy to my business than give up belief on a yellow person. I refuse to settle into orange connections. These people who just you know what. I was thinking about this the other day because it came through, and I don't think it's politically correct. I'm nihilistic right now, so I don't care,

but I really do know. It doesn't matter. If I couldn't see and I couldn't hear, I would never be satisfied with orange. It doesn't matter if I couldn't smell, I wouldn't be satisfied with orange. And you know why that kind of came through. This lady was walking with I don't know her husband, man, person, animal, whatever that thing is, and she was giving me the dirtiest look as I was walking past her, and I just it's like, I don't This is not a self generated thought. This is what I heard.

I would rather work every day of my life striving to get to yellow then live in orange. I rather have no evidence of yellow but have hope in my heart that it exists than be an orange. I rather work so hard till I'm crying and bleeding and sweating towards yellow, then to settle with orange. And again, this is just a metaphor, this is just how it came through. We are meant to live in yellow, and I'm not

gonna stop till I get it. So if I have to go through a freaking season where I'm nihilistic and having an existential crisis, then I'll do it. And if I have to cry, then I'll do it. If I have to have Kleenex as my guests, and then I'll do it. I don't care if you want to knock me down, I will get back up. Am I alive? Am I breathing? Then I'm gonna keep going. I'm going

towards Yellow. And that's why I'm gonna show up even though I still low key have the flu, and I'm still gonna show up without makeup, and I'm gonna show up in a raggedy T shirt because yellow exists. And I'm not stopping till I get it. Why Because I owe it to myself. You owe it to yourself. We owe it to ourselves. And sometimes we just have to remember I did not come all the way down to planet Earth, incarnate here to miss out on what I

came for, which is yellow. If you're living, if you're breathing, get back up. The world is gonna keep turning. You have to keep breathing. Let's go, let's go. You gotta get back up. So even in these emotions Yeah, they're there, and yes, i will cry, and I'm not gonna give myself a caffeinated thought of It's fine. No, I'm not doing that. That pisces me off. It's what people call toxic positivity. To me, it's just annoying. So if I'm feeling down, screw it. I'll watch to Withering Heights again

and I'll watch it a third time. I will do what I have to do. But I'm gonna keep going, and please, please keep going. You can't give up because I know that it gets hard. That's why I'm showing up like this. It's dude, I'm a human too. Hello, Can anyone hear me in this void of the internet. I'm a human too. If I'm not giving up, where do you get off getting up?

I need you to because you signed up to come to Blanet Earth to play your part, to share your light. You can't give up. I need you here, the planet needs you here. You have to keep going, and so do I. So we're gonna let the feelings be there. We're gonna acknowledge them. We're not gonna run from them. We're not gonna binge. Put the oreos down, put them down. We're not gonna binge, put the bottle down. We're not

gonna drink. No, we're not. We're gonna face this shit in the face, face to face with our own shit. What's up, bitch, Welcome, Welcome to the fun house. This is how we play it, so fun. We're gonna look our life in the face and if it's not going the way we want, we're gonna audit. We're going to reclaim our parts of self. We're gonna rengle ourselves. We're gonna keep going. We're gonna try again. But we, however, are not giving up. That is not in our nature.

If you give up now, you will resent yourself for the rest of your life. You will resent yourself for the rest of your life. If you have any inkling within you that you're in the wrong relationship, get out. I was in a seven year one. I'm fine. I'm fine. As I cry about being existential on the on the internet, I'm fine. No, But seriously, there's not one day in my life that I haven't regret about that. It was

the best thing I ever did for myself. If you have an inkling that you're at the wrong job, that you're in the wrong city, that you're in the wrong place, you have to get out. And yes, it's going to be hard. I'm not gonna lie to you. Why would I do that. Yeah, Yeah, it's gonna be hard. You're gonna have to make new friends, new connections, new relationships. You're gonna have to go through surface level mumbo jumbo. You're gonna have to be alone. You're gonna have to

work on yourself. You're gonna have to look at yourself. You're gonna have to transcend your shadows. You're gonna have to do all of that, and it's gonna be worth it because you will get to your yellow I want to read you something someone recently took my Shadow Alchemy course, and this is what they wrote. Hello. I just wanted to say that I finally got around to be getting the Art of Alchemy course. I'm on part four where you show how to do the shamanic shaking. I am shook.

I can't believe what happens. I legit felt like I was having an emotional exorcism. I don't know how I ended up on the floor. It's not in tears and spit coming out of my face and shaking and shrieking. WTF Lol, welcome to the funhouse. Like I said, I scared the shit out of my cat and potentially my neighbors because that shit was loud. Anyways, just want to say that I legit didn't even know what was where that was gonna go, but it went well. It's terrifying,

but it was good. Thank you for putting this together. It's worth every cent, if only for this one part of the course. You gotta do this, admit, you gotta do this the Art of Alchemy. I will teach you how to take these emotions and do something with them. How do you think? I have courses and work books and a literal published book and mugs and a podcast and tiktoking it. What do you think I do you

think I just sit in this all day? No, I allow myself to feel it, and then I use those emotions to build up my life because I'm an ultra sensitive bitch and that works for me because I use that energy to create. And you're gonna do the same thing. I love you so much. Get the art of alchemy, course, reclaim your power. If you're looking for one on one guidance, I am, if you can believe it, an intuitive channel, a reiki practitioner, life and energy coach. And I don't

always cry on the internet. Only when the winds are blowing in the right direction, and today they are so. Like I said, we're making a vow to each other. We're not giving up getting our yellow existence. And I will be on that frontier with you, holding your hand, showing you that it's possible. Tissue cheers to becoming our yellow version of ourselves. I will see you in the next one.