270. Being the Chill Girl Is a Sin

mothering and who cannot see you. Recently, in Taylor Swift's new album, she has a song eldest Daughter, and she says, I said I didn't believe in marriage, but that was a lie. Right. That hit home with me because so many of us want to be seen, want to be heard,

want to be loved. Yet we're lying to ourselves and in lying to our partners and still expecting for them to somehow break the mold beyond the millions of masks that we're wearing, and somehow they're gonna know us, know what to give us know how to make us happy. That doesn't really make any sense. In fact, if we're lying to ourselves and lying to them about what we need, we actually don't even know how to make ourselves happy. So let's start there. Remember, no man is your friend,

No man is your enemy. Every single man is your portal. So if you feel like no one is meeting your needs, no one is seeing you, no one's there for you, perhaps you're not giving them space to see you, know you, and be there for you. Why do we lie to ourselves to others. It's not because we are these dark demons trying to manipulate everyone. No, we are trying to protect ourselves. We have convinced ourselves, through our human experience, that we don't need so much. That we're fine, We're

low maintenance, we're so chill, we're so cool. We allow ourselves to get disrespected by our friends, by our partners, and we slap on a happy face. We allow people to completely disregard our emotions and we act like it's okay. For what might I ask? The truth is, we are so scared, and we are scared to admit that we are scared. We are scared to need we are scared to be disappointed. We are scared to be too much.

But here's the thing. When we lie to ourselves about what we need and therefore cannot be honest and communicate what we need with our partners, we block the entire channel for those needs to ever be met. If you ask for the chicken caesar salad, how the hell are you going to get the chicken palm. If you can't communicate to yourself what you need, it's going to be near damn impossible to get your partner to understand what you need. To your coworker, your friend. I don't care

what relationship you are in. You need to know how to be in touch with yourself and therefore communicate to others. This recent librot new Moon is calling us to be erotically honest. Can we take off the mask? Can we stop being shameful about what it is we need. I used to feel embarrassed, embarrassed to say, hey, you know, I actually do need you to text me in the morning. And why did I feel embarrassed Because other people made

me feel like it was a big deal. Other people made me feel like I was asking for too much. I was not asking for too much. I was asking the wrong person and maybe there is a difference. There is a difference. This Libra new Moon is inviting us to intend how we want to feel in relationship, what we want to receive in relationship, what we want in relationship. This is all about asking ourselves. Are my relationships balanced?

Do I feel seen and heard? And if I don't, am I giving them space to even show up for me? Am I being honest about my truth? So we're going to talk about it. What's a positive bitches? How are you doing today? You're hearing this episode. You are meant to be here, So keep listening on that Bitch is Positive podcast. Sometimes we're gonna laugh. Other times, baby, we're gonna cry, but we will always walk away feeling our most empowered, positive bitchself. That is Babe in true connection

with herself, himself, human self. I don't care if you identify ask cucumber. If you want to step into your most magnetic timeline, then you have simply come to the right place. This podcast is all about unbecoming who we are not so we can fully step into exactly who we came here to be. Can I get an eight men? If you are wanting to really in this season, place yourself on a pedestal. Your pedestal to be specific, get the pedestal path course. The link will be in the

show notes. It is the perfect pairing for this episode. Also, if you want a track to help you get that mind right, then make sure to rewire your mind and make your mind with my very own affirmation track. Link will be in the bio. If you want step by step guide to unlocking your most magnetic self, my books Show Up as Her is the perfect book for you.

It is ten laws of positive biology to help you magnify your energy to attract exactly what you want, feel your best, look your best, and get your best results. Without further ado, let's get into today's episode. I have some team. Recently, my friend is going through something with her partner and she has had that canon moment. I swear every single one of us women have this moment in our life where we realize we're in a long term relationship and we're giving so much more than we're getting.

We feel underappreciated, undervalued, we don't feel seen, we feel overlooked, and that moment in a woman's life is truly initiation into her power where Damn, I've been told that I have to perform in order to get love. I've been told I have to be a certain way in order to attract a partner. It's been all about them, But what about me? And once we pass that threshold of

feeling undervalued, there is no going back. It's like the feral feminine wakes up within us and oh, you don't want to be around when it happens, But damn is it a beautyful thing? So this has been happening in my friend's life, and her partner kept asking her, Okay, I hear you, but what do you need from me? What do you need? That was the question over and over and over again. And I swear the masculine energy, when it is healed enough anyway, does want to give

to the feminine, because the masculine is the giver. So there is, when it's healthy enough, this natural inclination. I want to give to you. What do you need? Can I give it to you? And so forth. She is upset that he doesn't know what she needs, and we've all been there, and she communicated to him, to me, you should know what I need. You should know what I need by now sound familiar. We've all had that experience. We're looking at this person we've been dating for so long,

we're able to into it. Would they need? Why the hell can they not into it what we need? And there could be multiple answers here. Could be the wrong person. It could also be they've never been in this type of relationship. It could be they weren't taught by their mother how to give to the feminine. It could be so many different things. But here's what I want to bring to you. We cannot I don't care how long you have known them. We cannot expect people to read

our minds. My own mother doesn't know what I need sometimes and says the worst sentence I could possibly conceive to me where my brain wants to fall out of my head and bury itself into the ground for seventy two years, And I wish I could unhear. If my own mother doesn't know what I need sometimes, if I don't even know what I need sometimes, how could I expect someone else to know what I need? We expect people to into it what we need before we even know what we need, and when we don't, we label

them as emotionally unavailable, as disconnected as bad. But the truth is people aren't mind readers. And the reason we don't say what we need most often is because we think it's gonna make us sound needy. We don't want to sound like a spoiled brat. We feel like in the past when we did say what we needed, we were disappointed because someone couldn't rise to meet our needs, or we were told we were being too much. So we don't even want to say it. We just want

them to to know. Listen, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. If you have a need, you can't expect someone to just know what that need is. You need to communicate it. And she was saying to me, maybe it's because he's young. It's not an age thing. I have dated men from twenty seven my age to forty one. Let me tell you, it's not an age thing. It's not an age thing.

You have to communicate what it is you need. I literally work as an intuitive channel, and sometimes I might misread what my partner's going through, what they need because I am not them, and I can be as intuitive as I want, and usually I can kind of sense it out, but I'm not one hundred percent correct. Because I'm not them, and sometimes they don't know what they even want or need. I do think we need to give our partners great simultaneously, we need to be willing

to speak up for ourselves. If no one has told you thus far, you are not needy because you have needs. That's called being a human, that's called existing. That's actually amazing. If you're able to identify and communicate your needs, that makes you highly emotionally intelligent. It also makes your partner's job so much easier. I've had so many men tell me, Ceci, you are the best communicator. I'm so happy you just tell me what you need so I can give it

to you. I recently have that happened to me. Literally, a man telling me, I just need you to tell me what you need and I will do it. And whatever it is, just let me know and I can do it for you. I wasn't insulted that I had to tell him what I need. I thought, great, I can say what I want, I can speak up for myself and he's just gonna do it. Perfect works for me.

There is nothing wrong with expressing yourself. There's nothing wrong for saying what you need, and that doesn't mean that's a bad partner or that there's something wrong with them. It means this is a healthy relationship where communication must be had. The less you communicate your needs, it's a direct correlation, the more likely they're going to go unmet. Resentment will grow. Silence will not help you. I know there's an urge to jump ship before they can jump ship.

I know there's an urge to just be the cool girl, acts like it doesn't bother you. What does that get you so you can go home and cry into your bed later that no one loves you, that no one can see you. Baby, be honest. Are you seeing yourself if you're unwilling to even communicate what you need? Are you seeing yourself if you're unwilling to just speak up to me? That sounds like self? But try let's start here. Do you even know what you need? Sometimes we don't,

And that's okay. We have been so busy protecting ourselves, pretending to be easy going, pretending to not care, that a lot of us have lost touch with our intuition, with our truth. I do want to say there are basic human needs that every human should have an understanding about. I'm talking about respect, kindness, honesty, safety, consistency, not cheating, like those are basic things that should not have to be said. I mean, come on, now, I know to not lie to my friend, to not hurt my friend.

Everyone should know that basic human needs. Okay, fine, those are non negotiables. If you don't have those, what are you even doing in that dynamic? But beyond that, you might need to communicate specific needs. A good morning text, a phone call once a day time on the weekends, verbal reassurance, physical affection, someone to pray with, laugh with, plan with. I tell men straight up, I like more so traditional gender roles. It's not going to be exact

because we live in a modern world. But I'm not going on a date and splitting it with you. To me voltaile discuss grotesque. I won't be able to look at you. Some may say that's extreme. I'm just being honest. If someone tells me that's too much, okay, baby boo, love peace and uh wish you well, I have other things to do. Begone, begone. That's it. I have expressed

what I've needed to some people. For example, I've needed a good morning text because it was long distance and he was forty You think he could do that, right, Well, you're wrong. He could, he couldn't. And when he said he couldn't, I said, okay, well this just doesn't work for me. I don't feel like you're pursuing me. I don't feel like you're in your mask and energy creating a safe space. This is important to me. I have made sure that whatever you needed you got, so you're

not reciprocating that same energy. I don't want to do this anymore, and I didn't. There have been other men who said a good morning text, I could totally do that. That's not a big deal at all. That's nothing. That's light work, and therefore they got the opportunity to get to know me on a deeper level. You have to have non negotiables, you have to have boundaries to even let these people in your life. I mean, you cannot be allowing just any Joe schmil and their father into

your orbit. You gotta vet these people out of love for yourself and them. I'm not wasting their time, and I'm certainly not going to waste my own. If something isn't someone's style, we don't hate them, we don't blame them. We just say awesome, cool, not for me next. If you don't like the ice cream flavor Rocky Road, you're not mad at the ice cream flavor, you just don't eat it. If you don't like the flavor chocolate, you're

not mad at it, you just don't eat it. If you don't like the flavor that someone's bringing to your table, you don't have to be mad at it, you just don't eat it. You do not fill in their silences with your own imagination. You do not romanticize them. You do not see who they could be. You just see them for who they are and allow that to be it. Thank you so much, Thank you so much. Instead of me trying to decode someone, they can just tell me if they can provide what I need or not, and

I can move on, and so can they. Speaking your needs is never going to push away the right person. It's only going to attract them closer to you. It's going to show you who you should remove, and please be my guest and do so. It's a filter. It filters in what and who is for you, and it filter out what can never rise to meet you. Sometimes when you're in this season of trying to discover what it is you need I want you to not just have grace with them, have grace with yourself. Okay, this

is the first time you're being this human. Yes, you may have been to Earth a plethora of times, but this is the first time that you are you. So it might take some seasons, some relationships, some time alone to figure out what do I need. Even asking yourself this simple question, intending to know what do I need, it will start to show you what you want and what you need. I was talking to someone and one night he told me, look, I'm super exhausted, and I knew he had a long day. He asked me, do

you mind if we don't FaceTime tonight. I'm just gonna head to bed and I said, yeah, yeah, that's fine, don't worry about it. And in the moment that was true for me. It was fine. I didn't mind go to sleep. I was busy. I still had like an hour and a half of things I had to get to. And when about two hours passed, I realized, I feel something in my body that I don't like. I fell off. I felt weird, I felt upset, and I realized, oh, what I thought was okay, wasn't I missed hearing his voice.

I missed having that time to just chat. What often happens with the masculine energy is when there's distance, the masculine energy wants to grow closer for a lot of them, not all of them, but for a lot of them. But for the feminine energy, when there's distance, we tend to yeah, we'll miss them, but if there's too much of it, we tend to kind of unplug. It's an opposite effect. Some distance for the masculine, they want to come closer, some distance. For the feminine, we tend to

plug a bit. And that was happening to me. I felt it. I felt the oh, there's too much space here, and I don't like how this feels. The next day I said, hey, I misjudged the situation. I thought I was going to be fine with the no phone call thing, but I really felt off. I felt kind of sad, and I missed you. There is so much beauty in not only learning as you go. You're allowed to change your mind, you're allowed to misjudge a situation, but then

expressing it. When you express what you need, it's a sign not only of high emotional intelligence, but of confidence. You're saying, I'm willing to say what it is I want and what I need because I'm willing to be brave and go out on a limb and make sure I get what I want and what I need. I'm not going to siphen myself or act like I'm fine when I'm not. I'm not going to betray myself for another. I know that I'm valuable enough to speak on what

I need and therefore get it. This process doesn't have to be perfect. It's not gonna be perfect. You're gonna be learning yourself in real time, and that's okay. There are gonna be times where you know you need and there's gonna be times where you misjudge it. So allow some trial and error to happen and give yourself grace.

I really feel like that is the name of the game this season, giving ourselves grace, Let yourself learn yourself, give yourself time, and if you're not sure where to start with what you need, you can ask yourself some questions. What situations strained me? Okay, maybe I need less of those and more of what fills me up. When do I feel unseen or unsafe? Is it because my partner isn't seeing me or is it because I'm not expressing myself. I would literally get so mad at people for not

knowing how I was feeling. But I wasn't telling them. And I'm a real good actress when I need to be. Most women are anyway, as I was saying, I would get so mad, and I was keeping myself in a cycle of self rejection because I was emotionally addicted to it. I felt abandoned by friends, by family, by partners, and I wouldn't allow myself to break the cycle, and I would allow myself to feel rejected once again when they couldn't realize what I was feeling. But I had more

control than I was allowing myself to take. I could have expressed myself. I could have said I wasn't happy. I could have said I needed more, but I didn't. I didn't because I didn't think maybe I was worthy of more, or because I didn't want to be alone, because because because it doesn't matter. Though, What matters is you learn yourself, because you came here first and foremost to exist and know the energy you incarnated as you can ask yourself, what did I crave as a child

wile that I still long for? Is it a safe space. Is it someone who listens? Is it someone I can share my wildest dreams with and not be judged for them? What is it? Self? Reflection is going to help you a lot more than scrolling on TikTok all day. I recently have been thinking a lot about relationships through my own experiences, but also just seeing my friends experiences and

hearing the online narrative, and okay, concerned, concerned. I recently channel that there are three levels to love, and a lot of what I'm seeing, unfortunately, is level one and two. Level one is when we're acting from our wounds. We're codependent, We're anxious, We're so afraid to be alone, so we

just give, give, give, give give. We're attracting narcissistic personalities, people who need mothers, those with addictions, because we ourselves are so wounded and we cannot identify with anything but the people please are the mother. So we attract those who want to be a parasitic energy and feed on our light rather than love us. We are attracting people who are our wound mates, not our soul mates. And yes, is this valuable because hopefully we can learn from it

and break out of it. But do we want it? No, no, we don't. But so many people online leave them before they can leave, you, get them before they can get you. Use them as an ATM. What I'm sorry. I resonate more with a Disney narrative to love, which I believe is closer to divine union than most of what we're seeing on the planet. Does art imitate us or do we imitate art? I don't know. I don't know. Isn't that the question of the freaking century? I don't know

the answer. What I do know is that these Disney fairy tales light something up within us for good reason. Perhaps they're actually the divine design to divine union, and that's why we feel so deeply for them. And whatever we're experiencing in our simulation is the BS. Our life is pretty much a movie anyway. It's just a simulation, is a bunch of particles. Who's to say which is

the real divine design. Most of us are living at level one, acting from our wounds, attracting people who remind us of our caregivers, rather than allowing ourselves to open up to a new definition of love. Then there's level two, which is transactional love. Tit for tat. I'll do this if you do that keeping score. I see a lot of this. I think Shira seven or whatever her name is, is really funny, but a lot of it is, Yeah, use them for what they have and they'll give you this.

And maybe sometimes you'll do that, but you're really just doing it so they give you this. I don't feel like making business deals all the time because I do feel like that's just making a deal. The devil is your relationship more than just love. Do you have to have aligned values and aligned vision? Absolutely? Yes. So you can say, well, it's kind of like going into business, but your business is going to be your overall life. That's fine, but it should not be a transactional thing

unless you want it to be. I mean, it's your life. You get to choose your adventure. But don't you want more to me? I want more? I want more. I want level three, which is absolute devotion, showing up so much for yourself that you overflow into them, showing up for them because it's who you are, not because you're keeping score and wondering what you're going to get back. I personally think if you can't be devoted to me, if you don't want to study me like I'm your

favorite subject. If you don't want to learn my language to understand me, what are we doing? Because that's what I'm gonna do for you. I'm going to learn every single part of you. I'm gonna know you inside and out. I'm going to literally look at your soul like it is its own universe, and I am going to discover it like well, I was gonna say, like Christopher Columbus, but perhaps I could do it in a better way. Yeah,

I'm just gonna discover it in a way that's not cancelable. Cancellable. Sure, fine, Okay? Moving on level three is where I want to exist? Where do you want to exist? Here's a coveyat. You can't exist at level three though, if you don't know yourself, How are you supposed to meet someone deeply? If you can't meet yourself DEEPLYO mm hmm, how are you supposed to understand what they need? If you don't know what you need? How can they know what you need if

you don't express yourself as well? Ooh, it's almost as if people are mirroring us, and where we are at you don't necessarily get what you want, you get where you are. You get what you embody, you get what you broadcast. So many people assume that when they're expressing their needs, they're being needy. But expressing your needs is actually putting yourself on the pedestal. It says, I'm not

going to abandon myself for temporary comfort, validation, or potential. No. No, I'm going to make sure that I see myself, that I value myself, and I express myself. When you say what you need, one of two things is going to happen. They will either rise to meet you, and the relationship will expand, possibly into level three. It will grow deeper, you'll feel more love than ever. It's going to create a new definition of love. Oh, they don't want to do it. They can't do it, they don't have the

capacity to do it. And you're then free to find someone who can and maybe for a season, the person who's meeting your needs is just you. Okay, Well that's fine, you're capable of that. Either way you win. They either rise to meet you or you rise yourself to meet you. But if you don't express what you need, not only are you betraying yourself, but they also have no potential to give you, to meet you where you're at. You're cutting both your feet off. There's just no upside. There's

no upside. No. So with this Libra new Moon energy, we're asking ourselves, what do I truly need in love, in friendship, in partnership? What do I need from myself in order to get that? Where have I been pretending? I don't care, You'll know, you'll know wherever you feel the most resentment is where the most pretending is happening. Yeah, I do want to say. There are going to be

some people in your life. These are going to be family like members or maybe coworkers, people who are just in your life, not by choice, but by circumstance that maybe can't meet some of your needs. With those people, you just speak to them less. That's all you can do. Protect your own energy from them. If you know every time you tell them good news they say something terrible to you because they're locked into fear, don't share it

with them. If you know every time that you try to express yourself to them they are committed to misunderstanding, you don't express it to them. Okay, there are going to be some people not that you're choosing to necessarily be around, but might be at a family function or might be at a work event. Know your audience and act accordingly. All right, you're not here to convince people to rise to meet you. You're not here to convince people to see you. Once you express what it is

you need, you're done. You're done. You're now a broccoli. You don't do anything else once you've expressed yourself. Now the ball is in their court and they can either rise or they cannot. It might take them some time, and okay, fine, you give them some grace. You watch it, you see it, and then you make your decision if you want to stay or go. The power is yours. You deserve to be loved in a way that actually

feel satisfying. Don't try to settle. Don't try to convince yourself this is fine, this is fine, this is fine. If you're telling yourself this is fine, it's not fine. Don't do what I did. And I don't want to discount my seven year relationship because there were so many times that were so beautiful and I was met and I was just young. But there were so many times I would tell myself because honestly, he low key made me feel like I was too needy, and there were

times where I was totally codependent. So yes, fine, but I was made to feel hard to love in that oohoo, okay tears. I was made to feel so hard to love, and my heart breaks that we as humans feel that way. My heart breaks that people of a low caliber, low capacity to give and receive love, had made us big

feelers feel like we are hard to love. And it wasn't until someone recently told me You're so easy to love that it kind of clicked in my brain and I thought, oh really, because I talk really fast just to end my stories quicker so that the other person has more time to talk, because I thought I was hard to love, and I didn't express myself because I thought it was too much, because I thought I was hard to love, and I would oftentimes just shut down

and pretend like everything was fine because I didn't want to be hard to love. Because I was made to feel like I was hard to love. And how many of us have freaking felt that. I know I'm not the only person who has felt that. I know. I think almost all of us have felt that, at one point or another, you are not hard to love. You were asking the wrong person. You were asking someone who wasn't capable. I don't ask cats to bark because I

know they're incapable. Don't ask someone who doesn't have the capacity to love you see you and know you to do so because they're just uncapable. It's not because you're not good enough. It's not because you're hard to love. It's because they don't have the capacity. And there's a difference. If this podcast episode resonated with you, please leave a positive review on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Please communicate with

me in the comments on YouTube. It helps this podcast grow, and I'm really intending for that to happen this year. I want you to commit to yourself, to stop lying, to protect yourself. The most positive protective measure you can take is to express what it is you need. And remember, if they can't meet you where you're at, it's not rejection,

it's just redirection. It's liberation. Maybe someone else will come in and meet your needs immediately, or maybe you will just meet your needs for yourself for a season, but either way, your needs will be met. I'm sending you so much love. If you've not yet gotten your copy of show up as herd be sure to do so. I'm also now offering ten minute energetic readings dm me on Instagram at vibe with CC to get yours and I will see you in the next one.