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It's not Sorryenogy. What's up? Positive bitches?
How are we doing today? If you're hearing this episode, then you are meant to be here? So keep listening on the Bitch's Positive Podcast. Sometimes we will laugh. Other times, Baby, we're gonna cry, but we will always walk away feeling our most empowered, positive bitch self that is Babe, but in true connection with herself. On this podcast, we unbecome who we are not so we can fully step into
exactly who we came here to be. Today's episode is going to have absolutely no structure, but we're going to talk about how we can love ourselves. I feel like, as I've grown up on this planet, there have been so many messages of people screaming in my face to just love myself, but they don't actually tell you how to do that.
I do help you.
Gain and harness tools to like yourself, trust yourself, respect yourself, and therefore love yourself.
In my book show Up as.
Her, So if you do want prompts and examples and you want it in written form, you can get my book Show Up as Her in the description in the show notes. Also, if you do want to magnetize your mornings, you want to call in abundance or guidance or even peace,
you can get a magnetizing mug. I recently went on a retreat and all the girls on a retreat had their own magnetizing mugs with their favorite angel number, and it was so cute and amazing to just see everyone every morning put their little palms over their coffee and call in what it is that they want to experience
in this reality. One of the ceremonies we did, Bart who was leading us through that ceremony, was telling us how in the mornings, we're so quick to just go on our phone or just to listen to the news, and how this completely takes us out of our own vessel and distracts us. It's so important that we are with ourselves in this body to experience this incarnation. And one of the ways to ground yourself is to get
one of these magnetizing mugs. You can pick your favorite angel number, or just pick the mug that is most resonant in what you're wanting to call into your reality. At this point, go take a peek. The link again will be in the show notes. If you want more information, on that I have such a different experience when I use my mug versus not using my mug. When I'm with my mug, I feel grounded. I feel like I
am plugged in to my day. I feel more joyful, more peaceful, versus looking at social media and getting an influx of information from every single platform that we all have on our phones. It's so imperative we take a breath and we focus. If you want to manifest, you don't get what you want, you get what you are. So if you want to shift your vibration, it starts with well what am I focusing on? Because where focus goes, energy flows. Let's get into today's episode on how to
actually love yourself. As I was on this retreat in Joshua Tree, which was hosted by someone I can now call a friend, Bianca, who I loved dearly. We had one night in Joshua Tree at the retreat where we did a sound journey. Now, Joshua Tree, I should just say, is very much like Sedona. It's considered to have a bunch of vortexes where there are spikes in the electromagnetic fields of that area. This means that if you go to a place like Joshua Tree, like Sedona. When you go,
you're expected to have more spiritual experiences. There's more energies that are whirling around. You might feel more grounded or more spacey, but overall your vessel will be more open to receiving the messages you need right now in your life. So I knew going into this retreat, I was going to have downloads. I was going to uncover parts of myself that maybe I wasn't sure about. I really had the intention of diving deeper into what am I on this planet to really do. I have an idea. I'm
on the journey. I'm doing a lot of things, but I wanted to get a clearer vision. I wanted clarity on why I'm here and how I can expand what I'm already doing. And there was one specific night where we did a sound journey. I've done sound journeys with crystal bowls before.
We literally did one the day before.
I know what to expect from a sound journey, but we're all laying together. I'm in Joshua Tree, so there is a spike in the electromagnetic field. It's something that's measurable. And while we're in the sound journey, and the woman is using the sound bowls. She starts to weave in her voice and just sing.
And she started to do that.
My consciousness started to connect to my lineage, and I started to see my maternal bloodline, where we were all connected to one another by our hair being braided to one another's heads. It's as if I was standing right here and my hair was braided into my mother, and my mother's hair was braided into her mother, and my grandmother's hair was braided into her mother.
And so on.
And it went back, and it went back, and it went back, and it went back, and I see all of us women standing together, and then I have goosebumps.
Right now.
I see this shadowy figure, and I knew this shadowy figure was a love being. It looked a little, I guess you can say scary, because it wasn't an angelic looking thing. It wasn't a pink, puffy, marshmallow looking thing. No, it was a shadow being. So that's not the most comforting thing to see. However, I knew in my heart that this was a loving being trying to show me something. And the shadow said to me, you have to follow me. You must follow me, follow me, come with me, because
at first I definitely was resisting a little bit. I take a couple of steps towards the shadow, and the shadow says, okay, it's time that we go through this tunnel. So we're walking through this tunnel and I can already feel in my body that I'm about to see something. I didn't know what I was going to see, but I could start to feel momentum building. I started to feel my body tightening a little bit because I knew I was going to see something that I had to uncover, because here's a shadow.
And what a shadow have to do with but shadow work.
We're going down this long, shadowy tunnel. We're walking and we're walking and we're walking, and eventually we're in this space where it's dark out and there's just a bunch of hills. I guess you could say it kind of looked like Joshua Tree in a way.
At night.
It was hilly, it was a lot of dirt, and the shadows said.
Start digging.
So I get on my knees and with my bare hands, I start just digging. I'm digging, I'm digging, I'm digging. And this goes on for a while, or what felt like a while from my own perception. And again, this is all happening during the soundbath. My eyes are closed and I'm totally plugged into this other place, this other dimension, and I'm digging and I'm digging, and I'm digging, and I'm getting tired. I'm getting frustrated because i am hands in the dirt, digging, digging, digging, and I start to
hear whimpers and I'm thinking, is that a dog? What is that sound? And so I dig faster because I'm thinking, Oh, no, is there a dog down there that I'm digging for. So I dig faster, and I'm getting more frustrated and I'm feeling more momentum building. And then I hear again a whimper and I go, no, that that's not a dog. It goes that and then I hear a little cry. It sounds like a human cry. Is there a human down there? So I'm digging, I'm digging, I'm digging, I'm digging,
I'm digging, and finally I uncover. And I'm probably going to get emotional here because in my head when I was perceiving this, it felt very real and it looks very real. And I'm experiencing this as if I'm recording this podcast right now, right here. That's how real it feels. I see this little baby in the mud and in the dirt, and it's all messy and dirty, and it looks like someone just left it in the dirt, but they buried it because it was under piles and piles
and piles of mud. And so I reach down and I'm shocked, and I'm holding this baby and I'm just crying because of the image of a baby buried under dirt was horrifying to me. And I'm thinking, who would leave this baby? No, not, who would leave this baby? Who would bury this baby? Who buried this baby underneath all of this, this dirt and this mud. And I'm looking at the shadow and I'm asking, and the shadow goes, you did.
You buried that baby.
You buried this part of yourself a long, long, long time ago, and it's time that you reclaim her. You reclaim the essence that you came onto this planet. As you reclaim who you are, not who you think you have to be, not who you have been, not the parts of you that get along great with society. You reclaim who you are.
So I'm at this point bawling my.
Eyes out because I have come to the awareness, oh wow, I've buried so much of myself, so many parts of myself, so far underneath the dirt. And who did I actually bury but this innocent baby, this innocent energy, my inner child, the parts of me that are just authentic and kind of honestly weird and just real and me. So I'm holding this baby, I'm looking down at myself as this infant, and I just start apologizing. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
And the shadow figure is telling me, you have to give yourself grace.
You made key decisions growing.
Up that in order to survive, you had to downplay certain traits and highlight other ones. This is not a time to get mad at yourself or be upset with yourself.
Give yourself grace.
For doing the best you could with what you knew because you were a child just trying to survive.
The next thing I saw was me in.
The delivery room and my mother was giving birth to me, and I saw her, and I saw my father, and instead of the doctor being there to deliver me, I was sitting down and I delivered myself. And this was metaphorically a rebirth for me, and as my mom was delivering me, I took the infant and I said, I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to protect you. I'm going to love you. I'm going to feed you nourishing foods. I'm going to make sure that you uphold
your authenticity. I'm going to be the person that helps you, heals you, guides you. I'm going to be with you here day in and day out. So the first thing I want us to do is actually, if you can close your eyes and take a deep breath and through your nose and just let some of that go with an audible sigh and another deep breath in Theora knows and release with an audible sigh. I'm one more deep
deep breath. I'm releasing with an audible sigh. I want you to just envision what it might have been like when your mother was giving birth to you. Who is in that room, what was the energy like? And even if you're driving and your eyes are open, you can still think about this, Or if you're taking a walk and your eyes are open, just envision it in your mind's eye. See who is there in the delivery room.
Whether it's in a hospital, a house, a tub, And as your mother's breathing deeply and about to give birth, sit right in front of her, and as a baby's coming out of the birth canal, as you are coming out of the birth canal, I want you to reach into your mother's room and I want you to take
this baby out. And as you're holding this baby, which is you, look down at this beautiful God creation, this infant that has beautiful, authentic essence, energy, magnetic energy, powerful energy, this little infant that will be a master, masterful creator, this miracle, this magical being looking down at you as
an infant. I want you to tell yourself that you are going to love you, that you are going to protect you, that you are going to be there for you, that you are going to guide yourself to where you need to go. And in this moment, reclaim your essence.
I you can say this with me.
I reclaim my true essence. I reclaim my true essence. I reclaim all that that is my true essence, this authentic frequency that I was born with. I give myself permission to exist within this now, this authentic frequency.
That I was born with.
I give myself permission to exist within this Now we are reclaiming what we were born onto this planet with, and in tandem with that, we are giving ourselves permission to exist within that frequency, that energy, that place. And take a moment here, sitting with this infant self, sitting
with this energy, remembering your true authentic energy. Before you had friends who made you feel unworthy, before the coach made you feel like you weren't good enough, before your parents made you feel like you had to be perfect in order to be loved. Go back to that authentic energy, that authentic frequency, that is you. It's not your fault what has happened to you, but it is your responsibility to reclaim your energy. It is your responsibility to do
the healing. If you want to love yourself, how can you love who you are not? If you want to love yourself, you have to reclaim yourself. You have to reclaim your essence, your energy, your power that you were born with that you might have buried a long, long, long time ago. I know that I have buried parts of myself because they were not allowed to be engaged with growing up. I grew up going to Catholic school. I was in a very Catholic family, and there were parts of me that were very mystical.
Growing up.
I slept in my parents' bedroom till I was about in fifth grade because I would feel so many different energies around me, and I just remember every night, and I still do this sometimes, looking around my room, looking around my room, so afraid to just see a person at the end of my bed. And you know, it was night after night after night after night that I was so scared in my room to see something because
I could feel it. And I would just sleep in my parents' room night after night after night because I could not. There was too much energy in my room for me to sleep. And as a child, I didn't
know I could have boundaries with spirit. So I was kind of lost in the sauce for a while, and I really turned off those parts of me, partly because I was scared and didn't know how to control it, and no one was teaching me how to control it, and partly because that was deemed the devil, that was deemed that wasn't something I was supposed to be engaging with. And so.
I now am really opening.
Myself up to my gifts that I've tuned away from because I was number one scared and number two thought, well, I'm not allowed to do that because my mom's gonna get mad at me. I'm not allowed to engage with that really psychic part of me because that might be of the devil. And now I'm learning it's of God. This ability that I have is of God.
It is God given.
And I think a lot of us turn away from our intuitive abilities because we're so programmed into a certain institution and something that is tied to the shadow. Yeah, our shadow is the weirder parts of ourselves or the parts of ourselves that we deem.
Unworthy or not good enough.
But it's also our gifts and our talents. Our golden shadow are parts of ourselves that we have pushed down because well, if we're that smart, maybe we're going to be called a nerd and then we're gonna have no friends. Well, if I tap into my psychic ability, then my mom's gonna get mad at me and say that it's satan. There are parts of ourselves that are gifts that we are meant to embody in this lifetime that we are pushing down, and this is something called our golden shadow.
If you want more guidance with a golden shadow. I really encourage you to join my Shadow Alchemy course. In this course, we work with the golden shadow, of course, the actual darker shadow, and I give you somematic healing meditations, journal prompts, and it will take you through everything you need with the shadow. I highly recommend that because the shadow is the key to us unlocking all the parts
of ourself. If you are listening to my words right now, it's because you too are being called to unlock your golden shadow. You two are being asked. You're being guided to look at the parts of you that you may have buried a long time ago. Now, why would we bury parts of ourself? The first night when we did a cacao ceremony, I went into a meditation and I went pretty deep.
Again.
Why is it so easy to go so deep in Joshua Tree. It's because it has that energy vortex that spike an electromagnetic field.
So I when I was in meditation, you.
Know, I've been talking about how uh here it comes here it comes more crying and releasing who Okay, this is part of the integration process, but I want to share it with you because it did you know, shed a lot of light on myself and what I'm going through. I'm in this new relationship, okay, and this dude is just amazing, the best person ever.
And I'm noticing that is hard some tis for me to be receptive of so much love coming from another human being.
And I was talking about this with some of the girls, and they too have experienced this, so I'm bringing it to you. In addition to me reclaiming parts of myself and loving parts of myself and learning how to actually do that, I also realized that in loving myself that would have to mean I allow myself. I give myself permission to accept in positive energy and love from other people. And in the first night I I'm looking at my journal, if you're seeing me, have looked down.
I realized this is what I wrote.
The only thing I'm creating and love is limitation. Because I remember that love and even abundance and positive energy it's not something we create. It's something we allow in because there's always an everflow of love and abundance and positive.
Energy and light.
We don't create these things, we allow them in. We don't create these things, but we do sometimes create limitation and I realized that even in my own relationship, I have to sometimes take breaks from him and his energy because he is so much beautiful, loving energy, and I'm not used to accepting all that in and I have to actually right now expand my threshold for how much love I can be receptive too.
Growing up, whether this was.
Real or perceived, I felt like there was a lot of conditions on who I had to be in order to be loved, from family, from friends, just everyone. And it's not because they maybe said something, but that's how I felt. I felt like I had to be really perfect. I had to look perfect, I had to have perfect grades, and I really tried to do everything to be.
Perfect.
In my book, I talk about this how I was always called the can do girl, and I was in girl Scouts, I had every ap class, I was in student counsel, I was varsity tennis. I was doing kipboxing. Everything you could do, I was doing and I burnt out so badly because I wasn't living.
From love and wholeness and allowance.
I was living from fear that if I didn't do all these things, that I wouldn't be loved.
I wasn't loving myself.
I was trying to create someone to get low quality love from other people, and in doing that, I buried so much of just me. There was no time for me to have fun.
There was no time for me to be silly.
Because I was always hyper vigilant of how I was being perceived, and I was always hyper vigilant of being perceived as perfect creating love. I was creating a block. And in real love, there are no conditions. Love is unconditional in its truest form. And I felt Mother Isis come in that night, and I just felt like love from a divine, feminine energy like Mother Earth Isis, whatever you want to call her, the Blessed Mother, but that energy, and I feel like I felt what love was for
the second time in my life. The first time I felt it for my spirit guides. But I just realized that how I've been loving myself and.
How I've been receiving.
Love is not to my fullest capacity. This episode is, I know, a little different than the other episodes, but I'm just sharing with you what I'm experiencing because I know that when I hear what other people experience, it helps me understand myself better. Something I wrote down is I've not experienced love, experienced conditions, yeah, and I'm ready to be receptive to love instead. Why am I talking about any of this. I'm bringing this up because loving
ourself means we have to drop the conditions. I'll love myself if I do this workout, I'll love myself. If I look perfect, I'll love myself if I finish X amount of whatever it might be that day. That's not love, that's conditions. And if I'm gonna be a human being, I don't want to do it like maybe how I've been doing it. I don't want to do it based off of conditions. I want to do it based off of love.
So I'm really.
Recommitting to a practice of love, and I'm calling it a practice because we're human and some days it's just easier to love ourselves than others. Some days it's easier to have than others. We're not here to be perfect, and I'm not going to put a condition on myself
where I feel like I have to do that. Instead, I'm gonna enter into this newfound practice of love where regardless of how I feel in my body that day, I'm gonna choose to try to love myself anyway, regardless if I go as hard as I did yesterday in my workout class, I'm going to choose to love myself anyway, regardless of how I feel I did in work that month, or how much money I have in my bank account that month. I'm going to choose to love myself anyway
because real love. What Mother isis was showing me, is that real love is unconditional. It's not focused on the three D, because that is that's three D love. That's low quality love. It's if then statements. If I do this, then I can love myself. If I do this, then
I can love myself. But if you exist like that, you're never going to escape the three D because you're base saying your relationship to yourself on external matters instead of basing your relationship to yourself in the spiritual world, realm, in the five D.
Regardless of what shifts in.
My external world, because it's always gonna be shifting, it's always going to be changing, I have to just decide, because it's a decision to love myself anyway. I can simply make a decision of well, I'm just gonna try to love myself through this anyway. I'm gonna try to be gentle with myself through this anyway. The voice we hear the most is our own, and I think a lot of us copy and paste the narrative that our coaches had, our parents had, and then we say.
Those words to ourselves all day.
Our parents maybe made us feel like we were never good enough, we had to be the perfect child, and now we're telling ourselves that wasn't good enough. You're not good enough, You're not perfect enough. I saw this a lot when I was creating content. At first, I would always think, Oh, this is it's not perfect, this is not how it's supposed to be. I was such a
perfectionist with it. And I realized, you know what, if I love creating, If I'm going to create, but I'm going to create in this space where nothing is good enough and I feel stressed out every single day, it's not worth it. I love to create, I'm not gonna make my art a prison. I'm going to focus and value creation over perfection. And even that little mindset shift made such a change for me, and I'm reminded of that in this season.
I'm going to.
Value creating a beautiful life for myself from love over being perfect. I'm still gonna eat clean, I'm still gonna work out, I'm still gonna give to my vessel. I'm still going to want to be successful and do all these amazing things, but I'm going to do it from love from the five D. Maybe ask yourself where am I creating from? Am I creating from three D conditions? I'll love myself if I do X, Y and Z? Or am I creating from wholeness from the five D?
And when we're in the five D, it's not so much even about creating, but about allowing what am I allowing in problems, stress, worry, or am I allowing in the everflow of love and abundance and peace and happiness and joy. Another thing I realized about love is not only was I living from the three D conditions of I love myself if I do X, Y and Z, but I was.
Also doing that kind of to my partner.
I would be a little bit strict and have a lot of restrictions when it came to how I was going to love him. Make sure that you remind yourself that your relationship to yourself is going to be projected into your relationships with others. So if you're having restrictions on how much love you're allowing yourself to give to yourself, you might also be doing that to your partner.
Have a check in.
I found myself thinking he has to be like this and like this and like this in order for me to give him my love, and really that's not love.
That is once again conditions.
Now this doesn't mean you have no standards. Of course, you need standards in your life.
Life. Hello, please have standards. The higher your standard, the higher quality life are going to have. But also.
Don't go so far where it's just conditional. There's a difference between a standard. I'm not going to be mistreated. I'm only going to allow in positive loving energy versus conditions. Oh this person's so kind to me, they're so nice to me, they're giving me all their love. Well you're still not good enough. Like that's that's conditions. When everything's perfect,
but you're still trying to look for a threat. Something I wrote down was that it's safe for me to open fully to love, it's safe for me to love myself, and it's safe for me to accept love from others. And this is kind of tied to this, but I find myself always asking what else can I do with my body? Should I go for a walk, Should I do the workout, Should I do yoga? Should I eat this or that? What's healthier? But I never actually asked
my body, what do you need from me? And I realized that a lot of the time I'm fighting against my body or facing my body rather than existing within my body and working as a team. So something I'm now doing like this morning. I've had a protein shake every single morning for breakfast for years and years and years, but I recently after this retreat, because on the retreat I was having avocado toast with fruit. I felt better
in my body. So today I asked my body. Instead of me saying this is what you're going to have so you look a certain way, I asked my body, what do you need to perform your best? What do you need to feel your best? And then I just allowed whatever came to my mind to be the answer, and that was avocado toast and berries. So I went ahead, got some avocado toasts and berries, made it for myself. And there's something about making yourself a meal that feels
so loving. I in that vision during the meditation of me taking myself out of my mother's birth canal and saying I'm going to take care of you. I'm now realizing I really want to take care of myself through the meals I make for me, and I really want to give love to this food and really take time to prepare nutrition and for my body. And that was just another thing that came up, never asking what my body needed, but instead telling it what it should want
to exist in a certain form. Now, I'm going to make a commitment to asking my body, what do you need from me? Regardless of who was your caretaker, your mother, you get to remother yourself every single day in your own thoughts, in how you react to the external world, in how you exist within your body. I'm committing to remothering myself. As much as our inner child lives on within us, we also have this in our wise adult.
And I'm committing to speaking to myself with love, speaking to myself in a way that's allowing me to practice opening to love rather than creating fear in my body every single day. Because think about it. If you're saying I'll only love myself if I do X, Y and Z, you're creating from fear you're going.
To close it down.
You're going to feel restrictive versus, what does my body need? How can I love myself right now? If love was personified in front of me, what would she say to me? It's gonna be hard to feel safe in your body if you're constantly telling yourself that you're not good enough, that you can't do this, that you have to exist within a certain form in order to be loved. So pay attention to that inner narrative. So pay attention to
that inner narrative. I think it's in chapter one, two or three in my book where I give you something called the four R System to help you literally detangle any of your negative thoughts. So it's on page sixty nine of my book, My four R System, and it will really help you release all of these negative thoughts that you're having about yourself and release this outdated narrative that is not yours and never was yours. You adopted this narrative, but you didn't birth it, and it's time
to release that story that has never been you. I hope this episode has helped shed some light on how you can begin to reclaim your own energy and love yourself. I'm sharing this because it helps me to hear other people's experiences, so I wanted to share mine. This felt really special to me, so I just wanted to share that with you. I love you so much, and as always a sparkle in me honor as a sparkle within you. I will see you in the next one.
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