I'm sorry. What's up? Positive bitches? How are we doing today? If you're hearing this episode, you were meant to be here, So keep listening on that Bitch's Positive Podcast. Sometimes we will laugh. Other times, baby Girl, we're gonna cry, but we will always walk away feeling our most empowered positive bitch self. That is baby and true connection with herself. That's right. On this podcast, we unbecome who we are not so we can fully step into the wholeness of who we came here to be. Can
I get a nammen? Today we are talking about how to become secure again, how how to become secure in our relationships. I've realized I had some things recently come up that in the past would trigger the absolute fuck out of me, and they come up now and I think, whoe am I on a different timeline because it has no effect on my being? And it shocks me every time. The woman is too stunned to speak. I'm shook it of how different I react to my external world now when these little triggers come
up there, I can't even call them triggers anymore. Their bibity boppits, Okay, that's what they are, because they don't even do anything to me anymore. So we're going to talk about what I've done to get here today as a codependent in recovery. Hello, my name is Cecy and I used to be codependent. And if you are there right now, do not worry about it, okay, because there is a path we can forge ahead and we're going to do it together. Oh, a girl has to take her
magic mind. I'm obsessed with magic mind and I need to take it before I have a podcast create a podcast. It just gives me that extra pep in my step, and honestly, it helps me focus on the point that I want to get to you. A lot of my podcasts I have some notes, but it's mostly done through my own channeling of whatever comes in that moment. A magic mind, man, it is truly my magic in a bottle. It helps me focus and be a good little human, so the
messages can come through. So excuse me, but Pinky's up and if you have some water, maybe you have your own magic mind. Let's take our magic in a bottle. I swear the taste of this is so good too. Usually I do this before podcast, but a girl forgot. This is what happens when I don't drink it. I forget to do stuff, and that's why we're here right now. Okay, a bitch is primed. Now,
a couple of announcements today before we get into it. If you are not yet following me on Instagram at vibe in with cc at that Bitch is Positive, go follow me because I give you daily tips and tricks on how to become your most magnetic self, how to tap into the frequency, the positive bitch frequency, so you can get anything in anyone you want. I also have a twenty one day break Up Globe Challenge and the Pedestal Path as
my two evergreen courses. If you're interested in becoming your most magnetic self, go check those out. All of these links will be in the show notes. I also have a little other announcements that is related to my book that's coming out very soon. I have two meditations that I created specifically to be paired with my book, but as a little gratitude thank you gift, I've
released these meditations early so you can start working with them now. One is the Manifesting Technique meditation and the other one is a sacral Chakra Technique meditation to call your power back, get them obsessed with you. Those links will also be in the show notes. Without further ado, let's get into today's episode. First things Okay, first things first, a little tea. I have to spill. So recently, my partner told me that he was going on
a business trip. And I used to have such bad anxiety every time he would go on a business trip. It was the worst thing that gonna happened to me. And now I don't even care at all. The spin on this business trip is he's going to be in an airbnb. It's gonna be him and two other women, just like living together in a house for a week. And I was like, oh, okay, that's new. That's different. Why was my first question? That's not what they usually do.
Everyone else is in a hotel, but for whatever reason, he's in a house with these two women. And I did think, okay, that's kind of weird. And I don't have a corporate job. I work for myself. I have my own business, so I don't know if that's actually weird. But in Cecy's mind, I was like, hmm, it's kind of weird. Old Cecy would be flipping the fuck out so worried, so anxious, the thoughts of what's gonna happen. What are you guys gonna do?
Are you gonna be talking all night all day? What is gonna be going on in this house? It should it's not here. Do I love the idea of it? No, I think it's weird, But like I said, I don't know if that's normal. I'm pretty sure it's not. But it's not freaking me out. What I've realized from someone who used to be totally terribly codependent to someone who is freed herself is that it's not so much about my external reality as it is about my perception of my external reality.
What is reality but our perception. At the end of the day, nothing matters besides what we perceive, and we are constantly perceiving things in different ways, and not always in the right way. This is why they have multiple eyewitnesses. Two people can see the exact same situation and come away with two
completely different scenarios that they remember, two completely different meanings. Another thing that used to trigger me, and this is to give you hope that if these things are triggering you now, do not worry, because, like I said,
we're transcending these emotions Okay. Another thing that used to drive me crazy is if it didn't matter if he was on a business trip or not, but if we were having a conversation and like four hours would go by and he was at work, but four hours would go by and he didn't text me back the whole entire four hours, I would be spiraling, who's he talking to? What is he doing, what's going on? Why isn't he answering me? And it would just take the joy out of my freaking day.
It would take all of my energy and throw it on the floor and just beat it up, that energy and make it dead energy. That's what it would do. I realize recently some days, and I had to really get conscious about this because some days we would go either I would leave the conversation on red or not even on red, but I just wouldn't answer for four hours, or he wouldn't answer for four hours, just because we're both
working human beings. And I realize now when that happens, I don't even notice it, and if I do notice it, I'm not spiraling about how we're gonna break up and how our relationship sucks and how he's going to leave me for someone better, but I used to. So what I've noticed is that the same thing sometimes still happens, but how I'm perceiving it and the meeting I'm giving it is the only thing that has changed. He used to go on business trips. He still does. I used to have anxiety.
I don't anymore. We used to have these spans of time. We wouldn't speak for four to five hours. They used to drive me in stay. Now I don't even notice. And it hit me one day where I was like, wow, Wow, First of all, hello growth. Secondly, the same thing is happening, yet I'm perceiving it's so much different. I don't even care anymore. It's not even a thing. Even when we would go to the gym together. At first, I go to a body building gym. Why, I don't know, Okay, can I go to a
normal gym? Sharp I've just gone to this gym for most of my life. And I used to be like, holy fucking shit, all these muscle mommies are here, and like I'm walking in, I'm like, what's up everyone, I'm not a bodybuilder? Hi mcc how are you? And I used to get so insecure, like everyone their butt is like up to their chin and their muscles, and I'm just standing around. I'm like, holy
shit, And you really used to make me feel insecure. Like if my partner looked at one of their asses, I'd be like he or anything anything he couldn't Even before he could even look at their ass, I was scanning to see if he was Like I was just so hyper vigilant of who is he looking at? Is he talking to someone? What is happening now when we go to gym, And by the way, there was nothing that was happening. I was just like scanning to see just in case there was a
potential threat, I would take him down. Yeah, that's not a fun way to live, but it's how I lived for a lot of my life, and maybe it's how you're living now. There's hope, don't worry. Now. When we go to the gym, I'm like, peace, I'm gonna go do legs or piece. I'm gonna go do you know whatever the
fuck I doing at the gym. It's just such a different energy. So I noticed that, Okay, there are so many patterns in my life right now that are repeating, and instead of me being triggered by going to the gym, or him going on a business trip, him being in a house with women, just him and women I don't know, instead of me getting so worried about the texting or this or that, I don't care. I love him, we have a great relationship, but I don't care. I
don't care. I'm secure in myself now that if you want to leave, say a fucking Nora. If you want to stay, welcome home. If you want to come have fun with me, Let's go have fun, Let's go heal, Let's let's have a healing session with a shaman. Let's go on a roller coaster Disney World. I'm coming. If you want to stay safe. If you don't, I don't have the energy anymore to try to get people to stay in my life. If you don't want to stay,
fucking leave. Okay. There's a quote that says, go where you're celebrated, not where you're tolerated. And for any codependent or codependent in recovery, we need we need this reminder. I've done things across my journey that have helped me, but today we're going to talk about some of the main things that I've shifted in my life that has really helped me become secure in my relationship. We need to change ourselves and the rest of the world will change
with us. Why Because, like I said, our perception is our reality. I think a lot of us try so hard to control everything. We try to control our boyfriend, We try to control our girlfriend, we try to control the circumstance. We try to control who they're talking to. I
don't want to control anyone. I want to see what you do, and then based on that, I will decide whether or not I want to stay in your life and if I want you to stay in mind because if you think about it, if your partner wants to let other girls photos, they want to comment on their half naked photos, if they want to do it, let them and leave because why would you want someone with that character in your life. I had to come to myself and just be real and say
CC. If someone doesn't want to be in your life, if they're going to do shady shit, why a fuck do you want them to be in your life? Why do you want to hold on so badly to people who don't want to hold on to you? Why are you trying so hard? You're exhausted, My girl, you are tired, What are you doing? And in that moment, now, this was years ago now, but in that moment, it just made me realize, Yeah, what am I doing? I'm wasting so much energy trying to control other people when I could be
using that energy to fine tune my vibration. I could be using that energy to build friendships. I could be using that energy to build my own career, my brand, my social media platforms. Why am I wasting my own energy? Why? What is the point so I can hold on to someone who's kind of shitty? What would be the point of that? So I can keep people around who make me feel small? What would be the point of that? Let go and let God. Our internal world quickly bleeds out
into our external world and starts to make us feel very uncomfortable. And our beliefs will color our relationships so fast you will blank and your whole entire relationship will be your worst nightmare. What do I mean by this? If you have an internal belief that you are not good enough, that you are not pretty enough, that you are not smart enough, you will start painting that belief in your relationship. You will fill in their blanks with your worst nightmare,
your biggest fear. This is how our internal world becomes our external one. When I was dealing with codependency and I have this deep seated fear that I wasn't good enough. Every time we would have a two hour silence span because he was working or I was working, I would think, well, I'm not good enough. He's gonna find someone else. This is why he's
not texting back. Forget being in a long term relationship. If we're dating, this is oh my god, it's very difficult because every time someone doesn't answer right away, every time someone maybe is at work or maybe they do ghosts, We're constantly making it about how we are not good enough, how we're not smart enough, we're not pretty enough. Only if I changed everything that I did, he would have liked me. Why are we chasing everyone?
We have to realize that our beliefs about ourselves will bleed into our external and it will color everything in our life. It will color our relationships. So if we have a fear or a belief that we're not good enough, we're not pretty enough, we're always chosen. Second, this is an inside job. This is something Yeah, your relationships will trigger it, but they won't heal it. You have to do that. Your relationship will bring out
your biggest fear. Who's going to transcend your fear? You are? That's a you job. Your triggers are your problem. We want to have gratitude for our relationships because they really are the things that are going to trigger us the most deeply. Our intimate relationships. People think, oh, it's gonna be so fun and like rainbows and love and lollypops. No, your intimate relationships are going to be your deepest triggers. Welcome, Welcome. They will
trigger you the deepest. They're gonna push you to heal the furthest That's the whole entire point. Your relationship with another is supposed to trigger you so fucking hard that you go back to your true, authentic frequency. It's meant to trigger you so hard that you peel back every single layer of who you think you are and you just step into exactly who you truly are. That's what your relationship is supposed to be, not just I bid it indeed into you
that it's not bring you anywhere. It's not gonna bring you anywhere. It's not going to do anything. Surface level relationships or surface level that's it, end of story period. Most of the time, our fears and what we're perceiving has nothing to do with our partner, but it has so much more to do with our beliefs. Our beliefs will build our world. So even though your partner may be triggering the belief I'm not good enough, it didn't
start with your partner. It started with you, probably when you're about four years old and your mom told you not to do something, or your mom or dad made you feel type of way. That's when it started. So this is an inner child's healing moment, not a moment for you to energetically chase them and try to prove your worth your value. Why are we doing that? If someone can't see your value, let them continuously be blind to your value. You're not a saleswoman. You're not meant to sell yourself to
every which person. You're meant to find someone who can see your worth and you can see theirs. There's a difference. So what we want to do to become secure in our relationship is first become secure within ourselves. I want you to find something first that you're good at, and every time you do
this thing, I want I need you to celebrate yourself. I just had one of my clients not energetically chase someone who she usually would She would usually do this thing, and for the first time she didn't do it, and I was like, hello, we need to celebrate this moment. This is progress. We're not looking for perfection. We're looking for progress. To build
up your self esteem and your security within yourself. You need to stop talking to yourself so negatively, and we need to start to shift into positive self talk. How can we shift into positive self talk? Start celebrating your big and your little winds. I don't care if you made CEO or you made your fucking bed. Celebrate yourself, acknowledge your wins. Why because you know what, people out there, they're gonna hurt us. They're gonna find our
faults. They're gonna see where we're losing, and they'll point it out. You know who halts to fucking celebrate you? You do? You do? There are going to be people out there who are going to try to take you down. Do not be one of those people. You came here onto
this planet to live a good life, to learn developing row. You didn't come here to beat yourself up. So every time we do something, even if it's a little bit good, a little or a big win, I need you to start celebrating yourself because over time, these little celebratory talks that you have with yourself are going to build up your self esteem and have you quantum leaping onto your desired timeline. They're gonna have you feeling secure within yourself.
How can you feel secure within yourself if all you do is shit talk yourself internally? The voice you hear the most, it's your own. What are you saying to yourself? How you're not good at anything, how everyone is better, how you're a failure. Oh yeah, that's really going to make you feel so secure. Hello, this is common sense, but sometimes we just need someone to remind us of this. I know I did,
and that's why I'm here for you. We're being reminded that the voice we hear the most is our own, and if we're constantly telling ourselves negative things about ourselves, we are building a very scary place for our own spirit to live. How could our energy feel safe in a vessel that's trying to destroy it telling it how terrible it is If you lived in a home that was
verbally abusive. That doesn't feel like a safe home. If internally you're being verbally abusive to yourself, that is not a safe place for you to live. So of course you're going to feel insecure within yourself, and of course that will bleed into every one of your relationships because your internal world will always be mirrored back to you in your external one. So first things first, we're gonna start to shift our negative talk. And I'm giving you an exact
tool to use. I'm not just saying, hey, talk to yourself positively. No, when you do something daily. I'm talking daily, three times a day. If you can, Oh, yay, I actually brushed my hair today, Good jobs E see oh yes, I did my workout. Let's fucking go. Clap for yourself, Pat yourself on the back, give yourself a hug. You know that our own touch can reduce cordisal in our body, our stress hormone. Do not sleep on the hugs that you can
give to yourself. We need to create a harmonious, peaceful sanctuary internally for us to feel peaceful externally, because let me tell you, when I hated my body the most I ever had, when I was depressed, when I was anxious when I had someone trying to give me sleeping pills. When all that was happening and more, I felt very insecure in my own body, and of course I felt so insecure in my relationship. I was calm suddenly looking over who's but is he looking at? What is he doing? What
are is it going to do next? Instead of giving all your power away trying to figure out what your partner is doing wrong, start celebrating what you're doing right. You incarnated in your body. This person may be inside of you, I don't know a couple times a week. You're inside of you every day for the rest of your life. So you better start talking to yourself in a way that's a little bit more sweet. Okay, thank you. Next point, I want you to choose something you want to work on.
What is something that you're like, yeah, and I'm okay, it could be better. I have adopted the belief. And it's really because the Pelton I think it's Lena, the Pelton instructor always says, or it's Rebecca, I can't remember. One of them always says, how you do one thing is how you do everything. And I love that because it always pushes me to just do better in whatever I'm doing, whether I'm editing my book or doing a workout or making this podcast. I say to myself, how
I do one thing is how I do everything. Let me do this the best that I possibly can. What's one thing that you want to work on? And I want you to start practicing this thing weekly daily if you can, but if not daily, some life gets crazy weekly. Something I want to work on is really getting down more of my yoga poses and becoming more flexible. Since I was little in dancing school, I've always wanted to be able to do the splits. A girl has not been able to do the
splits. However, as I've become more psychologically flexible, I also want to become more flexible in my physical vessel. So I'm really committing myself to I do yoga anyway, but I'm really committing myself to putting in that extra time and extra attention to fully stepping into my yoga moment and being able to do all the is that I can kind of do but want to get better at. Find a strain something that you're not that great at, and find a
strain that's going to serve you meaning practice this thing. The more you practice something, the better you get, no matter what it is. The more you practice and the better you get, you're gonna start to build up self esteem within yourself. You're gonna be like, damn, look at my progress, Damn, look at how good I am at this. Also, you're gonna feel diversified. When I went through a breakup, all I was was
a girlfriend. I was in school at the time, and I had good grades, whatever, I go to the gym, but I was just like, you know, existing, and I didn't feel diversified. When my partner left me, I was like, the only identity I just realized I had was that I'm a girlfriend. And now I don't have the identity of a girlfriend. So what am I supposed to do now? Diversify yourself. That's what makes you so magnetic, if you think about it. You go out
right and you're at a bar and you meet someone. Maybe they're really funny, but if they have nothing else going for them, you're like, yeah, they're really funny, but that's it. Or maybe they're really good looking, but that's it. They're sorry to say this, but dumb as a rock. And so you're like yeah, they're really good looking, but like surface level, you know, maybe you meet someone they have a really good job, but that's it. What makes someone so magnetic is they have a
diversified set of attributes. They might be funny, but they also have a pretty good job, and they have a great work ethic, and they love to read, and they have hobbies. What makes someone interesting, which is another way of saying what makes someone magnetic, is that they have a diversified set of attributes. This is your moment, baby girl, stop focusing on that other person and say what can I What can I strengthen in my own life? Okay, I'm good at that, So I'm going to sell a
bring myself doing that every day. I'm gonna start shifting myself. Talk. What's something I can actually grow through? Is it yoga? Is it? I'm going to start reading. I'm gonna start listening to Ted talks. I'm going to learn a new language. I'm going to learn how to build stuff. Whatever it is, whatever it is? What is something you can start to pick up and diversify something maybe you've always been interested in but haven't gone
after. Something you've wanted to do but maybe haven't set aside the time. This is the moment to set aside the time. Why because it's going to help you take back your focus, which takes back your power and your energy. But it also is going to build your confidence. It's going to build you to be a more secure person because when you go out, you're not thinking, I have to rely just on my looks. I've seen women in my life who have only been validated for their looks and then going through the
aging process because they're getting older now is not pretty. They are not They are having a crisis. All they've ever been validated for is their looks, and now that they feel I think they're beautiful, they feel that they don't have that anymore. They are going through crisis. You want to feel that you can validate yourself in a diversified set of ways. Okay, I'm smart, I like to read, I love spirituality, but you know what, I'm also really into going to yoga and fitness and food. And I'm also
really into it. It doesn't matter like whatever it is. But don't make it a passive hobby like oh I love how I met your mother. No, make it something that you do, like I love making jewelry, I have this side hustle. I'm really into my job, but I also love
to have fun. You want to make it so you're diversified, not only so you can have a diversified set of attributes making you magnetic, not only so you can take your power back and refocus on you, but because you're going to have so much fun discovering all new parts of yourself as you find
a strain that serves you. I always get the question, how can I thinking of them, my ax, my partner, whatever it may be, the person I'm dating, And I always say, you need to be focused on doing something new, because when you're doing something new, that's a strain that's a little bit harder. You have to be present. When I'm in yoga trying to do a split, I can't focus on what my partner is doing, or in ex is doing. I need to focus on my body
or else I'm going to break myself. When I'm trying to do a headstand, I can't focus on what he said last week. I need to be focused on what I'm doing. When you are trying to learn a new language, learn a new pose, trying a new hobby, you can't be thinking about what someone else is doing in their reality, because you are so plugged in to what's in front of you, because you're trying to learn something. And as you build new neurological pathways in relation to this new hobby, you're
going to have less neurological pathways in relation to obsessing about them. The more you break the habit of thinking about them, and the more you refocus on you, the more magnetic you become, the less anxious you become, the happier you become. Everything falls into place. It's a beautiful life to live. Let's start living it. Another thing, I want you to pick out something you're insecure about. Now. This can be your body. It can
be your looks. It can be your brain you feel like you're not smart enough. It can be your job, your career, your path. It can be I feel like I have no friends. I want you to pick something you're insecure about, and I want you to ask yourself, is this something I can change? Okay, what should I do to change it? Or is this something I can't change? How can I surrender to it? So we're asking ourselves these questions because it's very important. If I think I
hate my body, I hate my body. I hate my body. That's not doing anything, that's always time and energy. It's gonna make me feel worse about myself. Not gonna help, it's gonna be boring. Instead of saying I hate my body, I hate my body. What I want, what I want you to do, and what I would do for myself, is say, okay, hmm, this is something I'm insecure about. That's fine. Is this something I can change? Well? I can eat different, I can drink more water. I can get cuter clothes. I can
get clothes that fit me. I can go to the gym. I can try a yoga class. I can stretch, I can go for a walk. If there's an actionable step you can take, fucking take it. Stop wasting your own time. We're all gonna be dead one day. Hello, stop wasting your own time. If there's an actual step, fucking do it. What are you doing? If there's an actual step, take it? If not, say all right, how can I surrender to this? This is one of those moments where we have to let go and like God.
If it's something like oh I hate that I was fired, blah blah, okay, well you were, so what can you learn from it, and how can you surrender? I personally love the Serenity prayer, which you can look up, or you can make up your own surrender statement and say, God, I don't know what the fuck is going on. I feel miserable. I don't know what to do with my life right now. Give it up to God. Let go, let God, let go, and let
flow. There's either an actionable step you can take or you have to surrender. If it's out of your control, it's out of your control. Stop wasting your own time. Stop stop stop it, stop it and work on what you're insecure about. Because a lot of the things we're insecure about we
can simply change. And I know people are like, well, just accept it, Like just love it. If you hate something about yourself and it can be changed, change it. When I was thirty to forty plus pounds, if someone told me, we'll just accept it, I was like, no, I feel like shit. I don't feel good in this size. It's just not what I feel my best self in. I'm not eating good. I was drinking way too much on the weekends. I'm not really working out as best as I could. I was doing the wrong workouts for my
body as well. If someone told me we'll just accept it. No no, no, no, no no no. If you don't like something about yourself and it's something that can be changed, but I also do I'll say this, Okay, if you don't like something about yourself and it can be changed, go change it, okay, whatever, but make it realistic, okay, because I think some people think, well, if I just get bigger lips or bigger boobs or a bigger butt, everything in my life,
oh my god, it's it's gonna be so sweet. Everything's gonna be perfect for me. Everything will change it. I'm gonna be the Queen of England. That's not true. So if you're going to change something, just be real about why you're changing it and what your intention is. If you want bigger lips because you're like I just think it would look better and I just prefer that, okay, fine, But if you think it's gonna solve your
worst fears and your insecurity and your codependency, that's not true. No amount of filler or botox or any plastic thing you can do to your body can make you not codependent. Codependency is an inside job. I just want to put that out there. It can make you feel better if you don't like something physically, and that's the reason you're doing it. Sure, but it's not going to Oh, you wake up and you're no longer codependent. You
can get all the botox you want. When your partner's on a business trip, you will still feel codependent because it's an inside job. So change what you want to change, but have realistic, a realistic understanding of what the results are going to bring you. Okay, that's just like the caveat side. Note, Now let's talk about those are things we can do right. We can celebrate ourselves. We can find something to work on, find something to diversify, we can find out what am I insecure about? Okay,
how can I just start changing this instead of harping on it? Because harping on it doesn't do anything. Talking about the problem doesn't solve it. So instead of being problem oriented, we want to become solution oriented. The next thing I want you to do is, now we're going to shift gears a little bit and start to talk about our partner. One thing you can do heavy on the law of assumption for this episode. The law of assumption basically
says that what you assume will be stop assuming the worst. I know when codependency for me was at its height, I was on constant SS, constant threat scanning, analysis analysis. Paralysis is like my new favorite word because I have experienced it so many times and didn't have a name for it. That is exactly what it is. You're so in your head, you're so looking around, you're so anxious that you just can't even think straight, and you
start assuming the worst. If you need help balancing your nervous system, go back to last week for how to stress Less, because we talk about the vagus nerve and that is going to help you get from this really stressed out state to a more relaxed state. But for this episode, we're going to talk more so about how to assume the correct way. I want you to start assuming the best things about your partner. Start assuming the best. I'm
not saying ignore red flags. I'm not saying ignore what's in front of you. Have your eyes open. But if they've given you no reason to doubt them, they've not done anything when they're out for yourself. This is not even for them. I don't care who's listening to this. Them are you. I don't really care about what they're doing. I care about you. I care about how you're feeling. Assume the best for yourself. When I started assuming the best about what my partner was doing, not only did it
help our relationship, I'm sure he was happy. It made me feel so much better. Assuming my partner is cheating on me feels like shit. Assuming my partner's just doing his job makes me feel really good. Woo money yay. Totally totally different mindset. Assume the best, not for them, but for you. You got to get out of this lifetime alive. Girl. It's you, So what can you do to help yourself? Assume the best
about them. Something I would do is every time my partner did something caring for me, I would just make a note of it, because sometimes when you're at the height of your codependent tendencies, they won't answer for one hour, and you'll start scanning everything they've ever done that you didn't like, and you'll go into a full anxious mindset. I want you to start writing down everything they do that you really appreciate. They text you good morning, they
leave you notes, they open the car door for you. Write down and note their caring behaviors and have that list on your phone, so when you're about to spiral, interrupt that spiral and look at the list. Remind yourself that this is a good person. If they are, remind yourself of the reality of what it is. So if they're not great, then there's nothing to remind yourself about. But if they are, and you have this list and it's going to help you, this is an important point to bring up
now. I was watching The Ultimatum the Queer Love season, and it was just so crazy to see that when in the Ultimatum you switch partner. So let's say you and your partner go on you once you get there, you'll switch partner, so you'll get a new boyfriend girlfriend, and your partner will be with someone else, and now you have to date that other person. So it's really crazy, but it's such a good show. Highly recommend it.
And in the Ultimatum Queer Love specifically, I really notice how different partners affect your nervous system and your attachment system so differently. It wasn't sane to see and I know this logically, but to see a play out, I was like, damn, I want you to not just listen to me, but hear me when I say there are some partners that are going to bring out your most anxious self, and there are some partners who are going to bring out your most secure self. You want to find the partner that's going
to bring out your most secure self. If you're with someone right now and they're not making you feel secure, not all is lost. There are things you can do to help your relationship that I've done that will help, and we're going to talk about it. But I want you to understand different partners will affect you differently. You can see this in Queer Love the Ultimatum season.
Go watch it. You can see how different partners would bring out different anxieties and some would quell the anxiety, some would make them feel safe, and others would make them lose their fucking shit. You want to find the person who makes you feel safe. We've talked about chemistry before. Chemistry is just a bunch of chemicals. What you want is a feeling of safety,
that is healthy love that's going to make you feel secure. So we want to acknowledge some partners who are liking half naked pictures of girls they don't know and not changing that that's someone you don't want to go for Number one immature? Number two? What are you doing number three? That's going to make you feel anxious? Now, let's say you're with someone and they're not the worst, but they're not the best, or you just need some work in
your relationship. You have to communicate it. I know if you tend towards anxiety, that speaking up for your needs. If you've been a people pleaser your whole life is like the worst thing you've ever heard. But the squeaky wheel gets the grease if you don't speak up for what it is you need and want, how is that other person supposed to provide that? If you don't speak up for what you need and what you want, that person can't
give it to you because they cannot read your mind. You might be thinking, CC, well, I want someone who can just know what to do. Okay, have on finding that you can. But it's much much, much much better when you can just learn how to speak up for yourself, because maybe that's the divine lesson that you need. In my situation, I had to learn, Okay, how can I speak up for myself? My partner had a different culture, different how do I say this childhood, different
upbringing, different everything. He's not going to know what I need, different attachment style. He's not going to understand me. If I don't even understand me, and if I don't communicate me, you have to communicate what it is that you need. If you need help with making boundaries. Two episodes ago we talked about how to set up boundaries, So go listen to that. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. You wouldn't know how to do your
homework if your teacher didn't explain what to do. Okay, they don't know how to fulfill your needs. If you don't tell them what it is you need, you have to communicate it. Once you communicate what you need, they do it. Great. If they don't, then you have to decide how you want to move forward. Is this person worth keeping around? Should I repeat myself or are they just not getting it and I need to remove myself from the situation. But no matter what, you cannot blame them if
you can't even speak up for yourself. My partner wouldn't know to call me once a day at least, or open the car door, or do all these things, because that's not what he had in his upbringing. I had to show him. I had to tell him what I want, and frankly, I don't really care. That doesn't bother me. To tell you how I want to be treated doesn't bother me. I was changing and growing, so is he. This is a person I want to build a life with, a person who I deeply value. So I don't mind telling them,
Hey, this doesn't work for me, but this does to me. It's so much more intriguing to see someone who listens to you and is willing to compromise and meet you halfway or meet your needs versus someone who already does these things. That's great too. But to see someone listen to you and say, oh, okay, this is what you need, I'm going to do it to me, that just shows Oh that's a green flag. This is someone I can keep, This is someone I want to keep around. This
is someone who celebrates me, not just tolerates me. So we need to know what we want. We need communicate what we want. We need to keep our eyes open and say, is this someone who in general is making me more anxious? Is it their actions or is it mine? Do I need to work on my internal world? Because in relationships, you are bridging your internal world with the external because you're coming into union with another person.
So most of your relationship will be just things from your own beliefs, but they also will be bringing their own projections and filters to the table, so they may sometimes be doing something that you're like, wait a second, no, no, I'm not just being anxious right now. That isn't okay, you know, talking to girls liking their stories. That is crossing a line. You have to know your boundaries in order to communicate them. Maybe you need some space to figure out, you know, what are my boundaries,
what am I not okay with? What works and what doesn't in order to actually communicate them. Positive bitches. If this episode resonated with you, if you enjoyed it, please leave a positive review on Apple podcast and Spotify. It helps the podcast grow, it helps me, it helps us, it helps our community. I really do appreciate it. I love reading them, and if not for me, do it for you, because hello, some good karma? Why not? If you are not yet following me on Instagram,
be sure to follow me after this episode. I would love to connect and hear your thoughts. It's also where you get to suggest topics for this very podcast. I hope this episode was helpful and I hope it opened you up to yourself a little bit more, a little more discovery. Shall we say, a little chef's kiss, Hello, a moment. I love you so much, And as always, a sparkle in me honors a sparkle in you. I will see you in the next one knows can spa spa can't ask me, can't ask me