The Person Who Looks Free w/ VINCINT

I'm going to give you a little exclusive here that I've never talked about anywhere else. Yes, my relationship with sex started with trauma, and so for me, sex for a very long time was a dangerous thing.

Yeah. It is taking a very.

Very long time and a lot of self reflection and therapy to understand that sex could be something to be enjoyed.

Yeah, And you know what we do here destroy shame around sex by talking about sex. Now, let me tell you something messy. All right, y'all. I did it. I fucked in a porta potty. Now listen, listen. If you know me, you know that. Uh, I'm really against it.

There's that space between the closing of the door. There's a little bit of space where like the where like the little sink is and then the toilet, right, So I was never My hands weren't over the toilet.

They were over the sink, you know, saying. So we would do it from the side. It was like if you opened the porta potty door, you would see us from a profile position, right, you wouldn't see the back of us. Just because I still didn't you know one, I don't because you got the you got your phone, got your things. I don't want nothing to fall into as fresh as it is, not trying to fish nothing

Now, go ahead, tell me something mercy.

Yes, I don't get the royalties. Will I'll take you out to Photo Ruckers or something that was actually really good. You should do that. You should do that. We might, we might, but we also might get somebody else to do it. Anyway, Thank you so much for having me on the pod today. I had a blast, which is great. You gotta get out, Hey, baby, Hi, I love you so much. Well, I get it. I understand that. I'm so glad you're here. I'm happy to be here. I

Yeah trip, my god, I thought I was dead for a week and a half.

It was rough, it was. We were quite busy. Yeah we were. I saw you girl, and I saw you there. It is, yeah, all right, anyway, my family listens to this. Okay, Now, a few messikiki guidelines. Vincent things get to be unprocessed. Any thoughts or opinions shared have the right to evolve, shift, or change today, tomorrow, ten years from now. And this is important. If during the ki ki something feels too personal or unintentionally offends, we use the safe word fool's ball,

Yeah, it's just like what are you doing back there? If not, what are we doing? What are we doing?

Well?

Yes, but also trying to get to know it, I mean, talk about it. Here's the thing.

I have had good experiences with it and bad experiences with it.

Where what are the bad experiences?

I've had a guy fully spit on my health and it just was like, Oh, you don't like drink water?

Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? You know the difference, you know the difference, and you know what I mean, and you know you know what I mean. Don't talk to me like hey, you know what I mean?

And you know you've experienced those girls and you're like, hey, get from back there.

Absolutely.

And then there are girls who are like, oh, you've you're trained at this.

Yeah, you're a connoisseur, You're you're a trained girl. I am. I am first in the language of but a lingus, Okay, I really need but a lingus. Thats okay, It's it's getting worse. See, I feel like I'm the unhingerele on this show because it is my show. But then you're here and you're out unhinging me. It's it's very funny because I'm just answering questions. It's crazy as if I am hinged. Okay, I love it. Well, I do know that you drink your water. So yes, smash a smash

I have had a ma and try to do that at a festival and I said, honey, there's a dovet of shit in here.

What are we doing? What are we doing?

But but theties we use, the porta parties we used in Madrid were oh sure, stunning.

Now that is okay, that is fair, That is fair place. Because so this is this is a constant debate on messy Mondays, which is that people talk about having sex and porta potties and I always go, that's disgusting. Let's have a little bit of standards. But my understanding is that outside of America, the porta potties are kind of very not There.

Were people peeing in the streets into into beautiful porta pines with art on them were gorgeous, and they were out in the open and I was like, oh.

This is this is why y'all fucking the porta poties. You love yourselves and your people and you treat them well. Yes, whereas here I don't know you were performing. But at the West, the West Hollywood Pride, where the porta potties and the urinals were, by the end of day one, the grass it's self was a puddle of shit. Ship.

Nobody was shitting on the grass, but it was like the standing urine because to save time, there are now those standing urinal where you just step up to it and p but the people were missing it, I guess, And so like the grass was filled with pea and it was just.

It's just not we're not doing it right here. I don't think we're not doing it right.

And it showed so much. It smelled beautiful in London and there are people peeing.

Outside and then I realized drinking their water. Well, we're not doing well. Yeah all right, so sex, so sex and a porter potty is a past past. But if we are abroad and those different different girls okay, snash pass, wax poured on you, pass, talk about it.

I'm a girl who believes in all form of pleasure if anything reminds me of slave trauma, yeah yeah.

Yeah, yeah, no, and then we're gonna talk about it. Because here's the thing.

If I'm lay that uncomfortable, you've given me a massage, there are rose puddles around my head, Luther's in the bag, no too much.

And a hot piece of wax hits the back of my neck.

I need you to know something about me, Babe, Babe, something in my head is gonna click, and I'm gonna get a slash of maussage and I'm gonna hit.

I don't understand why it's why it's being poured on the back of your neck. To begin with, why is it being poured on me? To begin with? Well, I well, well, hopefully okay. First of all, hopefully if you have wax being poured on you, there was a conversation beforehand, you would hope like, yes, like, don't surprise me with some wax, because yeah, I'll fight you, of course, right. Yeah. But but if somebody were to say, hey, I would like to you know, this is a kinky thing, would you

Okay, okay, there are wax, there are, but there are some candles that you like and they turn into a massage or.

Anyway massage yourself. Yeah, I don't. Well, for me, it is a well, I don't want to say. It's real freaky bitch. You can say smash, baby, say smash. That's okay, it's a smash. Judge. Okay, thank you, thank you face. Well that's the game, babe.

Crazy to end on that crazy.

And you win what you always win here at tell me something messy, which is my unconditional love. I'd rather have.

Careful, careful hush, there we go there, all right, babies, if you.

Have any prompts. Don't like this basically, honey, you can email us it tell me something messy at gmail dot com. That that's what I'm trying to say. Vincent, can you tell me something.

Messy, something messy, something messy.

And I know you a messy bitch, so come on, I could tell your.

Business something messy, will cut and suddenly.

Something messy.

Okay, I guess we can go to Madrid. I mean you know, we went to a party there. It was called we.

Something went to a party. Oh got it? I was alone in Madrid.

I went to a party and for the first time in my life had fun with multiple partners at once at the same time at the same time.

That's what once. That means. Thank you? How was that for you? It was so much fun? Now, let me ask you this before that, were you curious about multiple partners at once like a group orgy situation or did you have like any kind of responses or reactions? We're like, oh, I don't actually ever want to do that, Like, well, you know me, I barely want to be touched, so but I hope you really do. Almost every time I try to get back.

But it's I told you before we start our trip, what I wanted to experience on this trip was sexual freedom, and I wanted to let my afroid iity out and to kind of find her again. And so that was my plan going into it and not thinking that this would be the outcome of it, but really unbridling myself to the possibility of what that trip could be for

What's happening here? What have you done? Who are you?

But it was just so it was so intoxicatingly refreshing that I was like, Oh, this is what your life could be like.

Yes, you know, not every day, but it is if you want you There are some dolls here that every day, every single time I don't have the time or the time, I just don't. She's got it was so.

It was just that part of myself I had not been able to experience, and as I get older, I'm I would rather look back on my life and be like, Wow, you probably shouldn't have done that, but you did.

I want a story.

Chaer said that on stage yet I think she was seventy five, and she's like, don't I wish that I would have done some of the crazy things that I thought about doing. And I'm like, cool, I want to feel that way because me missing out on things has become the paramount of my days and that's crazy.

We can't do that. No. Yes, I actually reposted that clip of her where she's like, I wish I did more things, and she's like, I was pretty bad. But like I wish I would have done was worse? Yeah, was worse. Who was gonna judge me?

Come on?

Because when you are and well, we can get into this later. But like when you are, like I feel like when I'm like in my eighties or my nineties hopefully one, I'm still fucking if I want to. But I will look back over my life and I don't want to say I wish I did that, I wish i'd done that, or why didn't I try that orgy? Or why didn't I try that thing? You know, destiny fulfilled. That's what I want, period, What I want destiny fulfilled

More than the three of them singing it in the studio, Beyonce going I'm loving it.

Those were good times, miss it. I missed that time in music when McDonald sponsored Like, everyone's still looking McDonald, come on, clip pop start here. All right, Well, let's get into some messy mail. Okay, So it is time for messy mail, where I will read out messy patron stories and submissions. As always, your submissions remain anonymous. Now one of your submissions will be my messy pick for a messy key key, which is a more in depth

I am a stickler out mouths, mainly because I get word about getting sick and things like that. Sure someone that I can't you know? And then I'm like too much. People have smelly spits. Sometimes we're getting into it, we're talking about it. Tell me I can understand it, because there are some Here's the thing, it varies, it varies,

To Yeah, lunch understood. I don't mind it if I know your mouth is cleaned. And how do you know the mouth is clean because you've issed it first? No, No, I've made you brush your teeth. That's real, which I will say. I just you know, whoever needs to hear this. I think it's important to brush your teeth before.

Any any anything, but especially a sexual engagement. I think that you know, we shower and we brush our teeth.

Now, listen and scrape your tongue and scrape your tongue metal scraper, not plastic one. With the spit of it all. I will say, before you spit on somebody, you should actually make sure they like that stuff, because yeah, some people don't like spit, and that's fair. This person didn't. The throwing up in the mouth. Have you ever thrown up in your mouth? People tell me that they've sometimes thrown up in their mouth when they gag on a penis, and I experienced it in London for the first time.

I could say that it was only a little bit, but I I have not been on the I have been the cause. Oh yeah, I have been the cause, but not the receiving end of it. And you have to be careful of things like that because I'm a communicator, thank you, during sex.

So it's like, this is where we're gonna go. Yes, be aware of that. Yes, are you comfortable with that? Yes, this is the journey fair. I think it's tough it can be to this was how what happened. I was on my bed and so like my head is hanging off, which is already like that's already professional. They like, you know, you're already like that's advanced deep throat and the dick was a sizable dick and then he like slid it into my uh, which you know, the angle of it

You just because I think in your head you're like, I don't want to run the moment. It was also kind of hot, like it's like it's kind of hot, but also like there's a cleanup involved me to come, you know.

And some some guys are like they like are proud, They're proud, they're proud.

I on the other hand, I'm like, I know that you're not happy because now your throat's burning.

Okay, So okay, that's that's a fair point.

This wasn't I think it's like is it throw like has like but then there's like just like a little bit of spits a little.

Spit of little little acid from the stomach. He had no food, like no chunky.

It's just your body being like, oh yeah, this is I'm just gagging and this is it went far enough for it to be like let me just like get it out so you can breathe.

Yes, just like you.

It's your body trying to save your life from the horse things that you're doing.

Is what's happening your body. Your body's like, say you're at you get him out of us. We're dying. Yes, that hanging off the bed. There's no way proud proud of myself. Okay. Uh this one says I eloped with my ex who's twenty years older, and none of my family knows. So what's the question.

Maybe you got away with it, you, I guess, I guess what's the question there?

I don't think there is a question. I think it's just like a thing, a messy thing they did. You know. I'm actually not concerned with the elopean. I'm not even concerned with the you know, the age gap, like you know, a thirty year old with a fifty year old work, Yeah, work if that, like you know, but the the ex of at all. I feel like there's a reason you didn't tell your family.

Yeah, I mean like well, I mean of course if they're twenty years older than you, I think there's a bit of like fear of judgment from the family of how old the partner may be. It's eloping always to me is like this is for us, I wouldn't do this for us, But it also has the opposite side where it's like I don't need other people love in this.

You know, it's it's it's it's it's for you.

And I think if you feel good with that, yeah, that's okay. If you feel as though at some point in your life your family's going to be open to meeting this person and this partner, that's fine too.

Yeah, but you don't have to you know what I would say, because this is probably a good distinction, like with family, depends on what your relationship to your family is. But if you're not telling like your bestie, do you know what I'm saying, Like, if they're the people who are like really a reflection to you, who will really tell you, maybe that's some wild doing. This is crazy or like people who can be like your truth barometer or or your I think I heard somebody say like

I mean, yeah, there's no you don't have to explain yourself. And I think it's it sounds like you're excited about it and you wanted to get it out and that's amazing.

So congratulations, I guess that's right. Congratulations. You know you told someone, and I think that's a beautiful thing. You found. Love you with someone, You're happy? Fuck them? Fuck them? Wow in every sense, So I love that's great advice. Fuck them. This one says, uh, went to my went to Miami to grieve a divorce and got spit roasted by two Danish guys. Really calms a bitch down. For

Yeah, yeah, I think the Eiffel Tower happens if if the two people in the end holding hands.

When they hold hands, it's an Eiffel tower. If they're not holding hands, it's a spit roast. Right. Community. Yeah, this singularity absolutely community, hands up down. I want to say congratulations. I want to say congratulations too. I love that for you. What a powerful thing to do.

Absolutely, I'm going I'm finalizing my divorce and then to celebrate, I'm gonna let I'm gonna just let these two people rail.

Me and I say the N word on here is that I'm gonna let these niggas have And I think that's great.

That's it's great. I think that's wonderful.

What a wonderful thing to do for yourself, to be so done with a part of your life that you're like, hey, this was what it was, and I'm out of that now. Let me remind my body and my mind that what I want I can.

Have absolutely and step into your freedom and your liberations. What a time for her? Hey, they yes? Hopefully my goodness. Never you girl gets my show. I'm taking a back you ready for the messy thing? Girl? The question is what has been and is your relationship to sex. That's a big question.

But okay, we got time, and also, like can we start here. Actually, so Vincent and I are both black, queer and non binary, and so I think that will also influence what that relationship is as well.

I'm going to give you a little exclusive here that I've never talked about anywhere else. Yes, my relationship with sex started with trauma, and so for me, sex for a very long time was a dangerous thing. It is taken a very very long time and a lot of self reflection and therapy to understand that sex could be something to be enjoyed and not something to run away from.

Know that this is what it is it started with violence.

And so I think up until the time I got to college, and I had my first boyfriend in high school and we never had sex, but I learned love through that person. That was a saving thing for me before I got to college, where I was like, oh, you know what I've been through and you never once made me feel as though I should be ashamed of it.

Boston is not the best place for a black little boy at.

The time, but an amazing place for a college kid who is experiencing everything new and alone and freedom for the first time. So that was amazing for me. Boston taught me that, and then New York and La taught me what dealing with men was like, uh huh, and then my relationship to dealing with men and dealing with sex. I had to figure out the difference between the two of them.

What is the difference between the two of them.

Men are temperamental, drag them. Sex is experiential.

I don't know if that's the word, but I think it is, yeah, experiential.

And I'd rather have the experience more than the headache of men. And so I and I've been here for ten years. I figured out what I enjoy and what I like and what I don't like. So my roster is small, and it is concise, and it is intentional tee. And it had been the way for a while my relationship with sex now after our trip, because I think I was celibate for maybe a while, like maybe two

Enjoying What did you discover?

I went to a sex therapist here in La, Okay, And we just kind of unpacked what it was for me that was not turning me on. And I have found out from that experience that I am someone who I love a game.

I love it.

I love someone who is up for the not the chase, but the excitement of the give and take.

Yeah. And most men here in La at least like to take and can't.

They're not mature enough to understand that sex doesn't need to be everything in your life, but it also doesn't need to be the most minuscule part of your day.

It should be something that's like fun. This is fun. Yeah, that sex, the game of sex, the fun of sex, the pleasure of sex should be at the forefront, not just penetration. Yeah, not just like when my dicking. You're not We're not just like a notch on your belt.

There's so much more to it. Yeah, you can have sex with me and not touch me.

Yes, a thousand. But I don't think people understand that energetic sex. Oh oh my good looking at me for a cross room? Why are you in me? You know my soul like this talking.

About me in front of a group of people and lifting me up. Yes, And like making talking about how beautiful you think I am in front of a room full of people.

That's sex base sex. Yeah, I will leave.

This room and kill everyone in the hallway and to have sex with you.

Do you understand? How do you think? So there was a therapist there, and there was obviously the the willingness to engage with the big questions around your your relationship to sex. Was there something that was like a real aha moment, Like was there a real whether it's a person or a situation where you're like, oh, click, this works or this is what I'm after?

Yeah, meeting you, Yeah, to get emotional meeting you and just from Afar, I mean like we talk all the time, we talk almost every day, but I started reading the blog and listening to the stories and actually taking reading the book and taking the time to understand that it's there's something to be said. And I know what you say this all the time. My Angelo quote where nothing that is human can be foreign to me. You have it on your body. I know it back and forth.

It is.

Seeing what has happened to someone who channels you in such a way helps you free yourself from something. And so by going and like just watching from Afar and like you being my friend of me, never being like I watched.

But it was for me.

It's like, you know, it's like it's it's such a balm to have a visual representation of what getting through something looks like, you know what I mean. And just even with just looking at your life, I'm like, good, that's a thing that you can have, you know, freedom of self, you know, freedom of expression, freedom of sexual liberties that don't involve you feeling guilty after everything. And I think I really needed that because I don't. I'm

That is first of all, one thank you that my hope is that living and speaking, that people are able to want to be curious about their lives. So and that coming from my best friend is obviously even more meaningful. I believe that you know the things that we don't navigate around our sexuality. And it doesn't mean that you like again, you can be I say, you could be a sexual and be a hope right Like, it's it's just the willingness to engage with what do I want?

It's all about how are you sitting in this this this vessel of yours And if you don't know what brings that vessel pleasure, what brings that vessel joy, what the boundaries of that vessel is, it shows up in other areas of your life. And to me, I always say, if you know how to advocate for yourself. When you are your most vulnerable, which is naked in a bedroom with somebody else, then you can step up into that boardroom.

And command it whatever you needs to. Absolutely, absolutely, it's so it is such an it's it's an I think sex gets this wrap of just being you know, I don't want to say optional, frivolous or like, you know, it's in after school activity. Yeah, it's like you know, it's like it's it's not needed, but it actually like the conversations are actually necessary because it's how you find your power, It's what empowers you.

Of course, no, I think a lot of people don't know their bodies. Oh, when you don't know your body, it throws your entire equilibrium off.

I didn't know my body until I started my whole journey, which my whole journey didn't begin until probably twenty twenty, maybe like percolating slightly before that, but like really didn't fully begin to like be intentional about it until twenty twenty. So like in my thirties is when I really started having asking questions. But before that, sex was so transactional. For sure. It was about not about pleasure, but it

It was more about the temperary all yeah, yeah, and not not not realizing that there's so much more. And I think for me poking that bear and like asking those questions, I discovered that there was nothing wrong with the fact that I actually did need more that that it was okay. If I didn't want to be the bottom or the top who just came and went that. If I wanted more connection, that was okay. And if I wanted my roster to be smaller or bigger, like

But most of us don't, most of us, not in the way that is helpful, not in a.

Helpful way, not beyond like, hey, the dick goes in here, put a condom on, like you know, get tested, like beyond me. I feel this way after this here's how you manage that suffe. Yeah, like there's no there's no like emotional conversation about it. And that's that's the whole thing, right, Like everything we talked about sex is like the surface, it's the beach, but like there's a whole ocean to be discovered and explored, and it's scary, like the ocean. Y'a, No,

The guy to fuck you, which is like nuts. And then also under also understanding what people want from a black male body, whether whatever race they are, which is usually masculinity. Like I think that anybody in a black male body knows that, like, masculinity is so valued and coveted and expected.

So boring.

It's so boring, honey, There's so many more colors to paint with. But if you are not naturally and there's nothing wrong with masculinity, but if you're not naturally that then.

It starts to be trying to play that role, trying to put something on, and it then ruins it. It ruins it because then you're not showing up as yourself, and then I'm then then I'm just having an out of body experience. I'm able to actually connect, I'm not how to do this. Yeah, came here to have sex, yes, yeah,

There's data, of course, there's never nothing's ever going to be like one hundred percent the time of your life. Yes, until it is, Until it is, you know, like every hookup is not going to be that. And don't get me wrong, masculinity is lovely in the places where it needs to be sure, But for me, I think leading with like I'm masculine, I need you to be masculine. And it's like, well, I told you when we started this that that wasn't what you were going to get.

Are you comfy with people saying masks from mask?

You can say what the fuck you need to say, Like, I'm the kind of girl ask for what you want. Sure, I can only give you what I got. I'm not going to show up to your place like big and beef and brawn. That's not what I look like. That's not the energy that I give. There are times throughout my days where I'm like, Oh, she could definitely go and play basketball right now, or she can go and get her fucking hair down and get her nails.

Absolutely, and I live in both of those daily.

I switch back and forth every minute on the minute moved through it does this dick still pipe down T But that's like that's the thing, but you know what I mean, Like, I don't want to have to play the parent trap to get.

You to be okay with what I'm giving you. This is what it is HI. And that, to me, though, is the where because I think anyone, not everyone, but some people listening, it's like how do I get to that? And what you are doing is you've taken ownership back because sometimes I think we try to be compatible with people and then when we're not, we confuse it with our worth and suddenly we're not worthy. And it's like

And it's also you're I think, getting to this point in my life, you will lose out on some things that you want. Sure, getting people that don't want to experience that, and that's fine, you don't have to be It's you're just gonna lose out on some people who don't get to enjoy who you are.

And that's how I look at it.

Yes, it sucks, is there are definitely some guys I'm like, oh, would have loved to have that experience.

But then it's also like, then you leave the States, you leave the Saints, Teddy, go on a trip. But also, no matter what, you make space for somebody who will see you. Think. I think that, you know, I think we we we show people how to treat us, We

The moment you stop being in your head about it, because it chows on you, you walk around with it on you, you're like, well, I don't know.

If I should move this way? Yes, yes, space.

The day that I walked into a room full of attractive people and was like, this is.

What it is, miss people are like, oh, that's connect okay, period period. Because and think about what for y'all listening, think about when you find somebody attractive. I feel like what we find the most attractive is the person who looks free, right, Like, yes, there's like beauty politics, but that it's like when the when a person walks into a room and they don't actually want anything in here, they're just thereselves. They're there to experience their day.

Yes, and they're having fun, or they're on the dance floor, they're just or they're they're just being themselves.

That to me is so fucking attract them. Now, they're not going to attract every single person. But it's like be say, be like, save yourself time and be yourself because if you're not being yourself, you're gonna attract a whole bunch of shit that doesn't the line because you're worried about the wrong thing.

You're worried about what people are worrying about, and no one's worrying about you.

Baby.

They worry about They think about themselves themselves and how they're standing and how they're looking.

Don't waste your day doing that. Yeah, you just be your baby. You be your beautiful ass self and getting eye baby.

Drink your water, make sure your piss smells good, brush your teeth, scrape your to you know, you know, worry about you, yourself, worry about you, don't worry about these other motherfuckers worry about makes a difference.

Yeah, you you glow different. You really glow different when you start to pour into when you start to ask yourself what pleases me instead of people pleasing self? Please like what pleases makes me? Think? What makes me happy? Doesn't mean that you're going to be you know, uh, disregard other people's knee When they're your partner. But in terms of the like the courting or the flirting, it's like what pleases me? What am I? What am I

Don't like put don't do this thing that you put on. You put people put on masks before they get on dates. And it's like, I get it. You want to put your best forward. That makes sense. Show up as yourself.

I want to meet you, show and like show up hope, hopeful, yeah, yeah.

And also, don't talk about your fucking ex's sorry, sorry, d three, that's a date three.

Date four moment yea date one date one. I want to get to know you and how you like me. I think you're cute, and where we can go from this period. I think that's really important. Okay, thank you, baby, you were here, happy to be here.

So I'm so happy to have you have a guest on my podcast. I'm so excited about this and where this is going to go.

Okay, have a good day. Thank y'all so much. All right, well you already know that we're hose here, but hose with heart, so before you get out of here, let me speak to yours. I think really today, what I'm reflecting on is Vincent mentioned one of my favorite quotes that I learned from my Angelou. But it's the philosopher Terrence and you, I'm sure you've heard me say it on here or it's in my book. But Vincent had said,