Could you imagine somebody taking a shoelace and the time your balls and penis what would your reaction.
Be to get tying them together?
I was imagining like.
A cockering or a cage type vibe. It's like, maybe like take the balls and you I'm not our good.
At arts and craft. You know what we do here destroy shame around sex by talking about sex. Now, let me tell you something messy. So I was thinking about, you know, when was the first time I had a sex talk.
Some of you might know something you might not know. I'm working on my stage show, my new stage show called ho Church, which I had done a workshop of it last January, and I am about to do another workshop in New York next month, but then we're doing the full production at the end of the year. So if you're in New York, keep a lookout because I'm
about to be telling all my business on stage. So the concept of the show is, you know, kind of redefining and re understanding or reshaping what church is and what it means. If you don't know, I'm a PK pastor's kid. My grandmother was a minister, and my mother, which we'll talk about on some episode is a born again Christian. We've been a strange for about fifteen years. So the show is kind of my exploration of like what was church and what is church to me?
Now?
If you listen to our episode with your fight Master a few weeks back, we talked about like the inner Cathedral and this idea that you know, church to me is honestly, whatever the fuck you wanted to be right. Wherever you feel celebrated, loved, where you feel at peace, where you feel at home, that's church. A Beyonce concert is church. Great sex is church. You know, eating a slice of pizza with some pepperoni and a drizzle of.
Branch baby, that's church.
Okay, So part of the Hoe Church that I'm writing is, you know, what is my origin story?
And where did I learn about sex?
And I was trying to think of about like when was the first time that I learned about sex? And no one really gave me a sex talk. Obviously there was certainly no sex talk about queer sex.
And as we all.
Know, or a lot of us know from our schooling, any kind of sex education there was was certainly not female focus, was not vulva focus, was not pleasure focused, but it was about safe sex. So I'm recalling that when I was maybe in seventh grade, my classrooms and I came back inside from recess, walked into our classroom, and at the front of the classroom, on like one of our desks was this wooden a dick. It looked it looked like a wooden dick. It was like really phallic.
And we all walked and we're like, yeah, that looks like a dick.
What is that dick doing there? Like, you know, twelve year olds, We're like, what the fuck is this.
Five minutes later, my teacher, my homeroom teacher, shout out, mister Verraldi, wherever the fuck you are. I walked in with a nurse and said we were having a sex agg class. Like listen, I hope they don't do this anymore, but if you're going to have a sex ad class, I do believe you should tell the students ahead of time that that's going to happen, Like, don't let them just walk in and there's a dick or a resemblance of a dick sitting on a desk with no kind
of explanation. So you know, the nurse is like, yeah, this is our sex ad class. She ain't say it like that, but that's me if I was a nurse. Welcome to your sex ad class, bitchus.
Uh. So she proceeded to teach us how to put on a condom, and I think they give us bananas to like practice on ourselves, but like she showed us on the wooden dick and you know, talk to us about like how you know the importance of condoms and you know how like you want to make sure it's not punctured and you know it protects against pregnancy, and da da da dah. And then the class is over. Like that was it. And it's just dawned on me how much how much of sex education was steeped in
promoting safe sex, if at all? Like I I went in high school, it was about abstinence, but safe sex, safe sex, but no discussion about any other part of sex, Like what happens after you put the condom one, my love? What happens you know, before we even put the condom onre what happens you know with the after gear after somebody is coming, Like there was just none of that.
And so I don't know like all of this to say that I'm really interested in uh, in the work that we do here, in like redefining what safe sex is right, that it has to be more than just putting on a condom. And so for me, and you might have seen this on Instagram, I've created a little acronym for safe sex that I hope that we can like implement he and you know, I hope that it supports you on your whole journey as it is supporting me on my whole journey. But safe sex for me
is satisfying, affirming, freeing, and emotionally connected. I'm not saying I don't use the Kondo. I'm like, if you need to use a kind of use Coonda, like you know, you know, particularly with your partners, get yourself tested, if you know, know what your baby plans are, all this stuff. But apart from that, like, let's talk about what sex should be. I do believe sex should be safe. It
should be satisfying, affirming, freeing, and emotionally connected. Now I do want to say this because we can let's work through it. What is that like when I say emotionally connected, Because some of y'all get like, but I want my anonymous ex. Yeah, that's okay, But you can look me in my eye when you braid me.
You know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying.
You could tell me what your favorite song is. Like, emotionally connected does not mean that we need to get married and I need to know even your last name. Girl, I don't even need to know your first name. Okay, shout out to the queers in the dark room. But like a connection, like you know, we're here together, We're taking care of each other. I have your bag because at the end of the day, it's still your body.
Like whether this is somebody you're gonna be with for one night, for a couple of nights, for the rest of your life, it is still your body. And how you use it and how you have it used.
Matters.
It just matters. And so as you pursue sex in whatever form, whether it is penetrated, whether it's oral, whether it's anal vulva, whether it's you know, we're defining sex as you know, just a massage, or however you're defining it, I really hope that you aim for it to be satisfying, for it to be affirming, for it to be freeing, and for it to be emotionally connected. Satisfying as in what is it that you want sex to look at
and feel like? Affirming as in the way that you desire to have your body used or to use your body is okay. If you're like girl, I need a playlist, and I need candles that are scented, and I need, you know, soft sheets, be affirmed that that's okay.
If you're like girl, I need to be in the alleyway and I want to be.
Watched by ten other guys, or you know, I want to be in a circle jerk or a vulva jerk, Like.
Are there volvo jerks?
Yeah, vulva owners, y'all be doing volvo jerks. But if that's what you want, you should be affirmed to know that that's okay.
Freeing.
I hope that when you have sex, you're allowed to relax, that you're allowed to exhale, that it doesn't feel like you have to tense, It doesn't feel like you're chasing validation, It doesn't feel like you're chasing being liked or wanted, but that you can just be, that you can just exist. That it's freeing and then again, emotionally connected.
We don't have to get married, but.
Look me in my motherfucking eyes if you're gonna breed me, okay, ask me. Oh my day was before you put this dick in my mouth?
That's all you know?
Oh shit? Okay.
By the way, welcome to the show. This is tell me something messy. I'm your host, Brandon Kyle Goodman. Most people call me messy mom, but you kid call me nurse. Hah yeah, bitch, call me nurse and say it just like that nurse.
That's how I know it's about me. That's how I know you calling me.
And by the way, stick around to the end of Hose with heart for our first Messy Community Challenge. It's like a workout challenge, but for our hearts, mind, and spirit.
I'm very excited. I love you. Let's get the show started. Where's that doorbell? Maybe you know what that means. It's time for I guess now why they get situated and before we do our hole manifest out and get up into this messy key key a little bit of homekeeping. Now y'all may know by now, but maybe you knew here.
We're trying to get to one hundred and fifty ratings and reviews on Apple.
Podcasts and Spotify.
Podcast before this month is out, because it just helps us grow this show.
It helps get you know that we gotta play with this motherfucker algorithm. You understand it.
So if you have it, and I know a lot of you haven't because there are thousands of you here and only like ratings. So if you haven't it, just take a second give us that five star rating and you can write us a little review. It doesn't have to be anything in depth.
It could literally just be like this show is lit baby, Okay, this is the one to check out, very simple. It really again does help the show. So thank you, and and if you have it, please check the link in the show notes and vote for us. Our show is nominated for a Queer t Award. If you don't know query award, it sounds like exactly what it is. It is awarding all things queer okay, and we are nominated for best Podcasts and you can vote every day until February twenty fifth, So click the.
Link in the show notes and give us a little vote. It takes one little second. But I really do appreciate you. I listen, I say it, but I can't say it enough. I can't do this without you the show exists because you are here listening and engaging, and it just means so much to me that you trust me with this hour of your life, that you trust me week after week, and that you join me and my guests for these conversations.
Honey, you know what. These raunchy, howie, but also heartfilled and hopefully enlightening and educational conversations. So thank you all.
Right now, time for the whole manifest out. Grant me the serenity to unpack my shame, the courage to heal, the wisdom to know that sex is not just about penetration, the audacity to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries, the strength to not call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl, or fuck bay, for it is better to masturbate by myself in peace than to let someone play in my
motherfucker face. That the community say hoolujah. Kit Fury, born and raised in Miami, Florida is a Jamaican American comedian, writer, and podcaster, one half of The Read podcast, a comedy show that has garnered over two hundred and fifty million listens worldwide. Work Bitch.
The show celebrated its ten year anniversary in twenty twenty three and has been highly awarded, such as winning Iheart's Best Comedy Podcast in twenty twenty one and Vulture's Top Comedy Podcast of twenty twenty two. The show celebrated its ten year anniversary in twenty twenty three and has been highly awarded such as winning Iheart's Best Comedy Podcast in twenty twenty one and Vultures Top Comedy Podcasts of twenty twenty two.
Y'all please heelp me. Welcome, kid Fury.
Thank you.
How are you? How you doing?
Before we get our messy key key started, we have some messy mandates, so here they are. Things get to be unprocessed. Any thoughts or opinion shared have the right to evolve, shift change today tomorrow, ten years from now at work. And if during the Kiki something feels too personal or unintentionally offense, we'll use the safe word foolsball, which gives us a moment foosball, which gives us a moment to pause, pivot, you know, address it accordingly.
That's not good. Yes, you want to play a loup breaker. Sure, it's like an icebreaker, but with.
Loup we're gonn play again a smash or pass smash your past sex with socks.
One, socks on my feet, on your feet, on their feet on my feet, smash, okay, because I like my feet to be more. Okay, that's on his feet. You want it off? You want that naked? Yeah, you need to be able.
To hold one.
What I'm saying, I have wood floors. You need to be able to I don't want you slipping inside like Grioby socks.
Guys on.
Yeah, yeahs as long as you are able to complete our mission together then.
And that's period, then you don't care however you I I think socks on is a hot aesthetic, but by the end of sex and when it's having to come, I want socks off, like I want to feel naked.
Yeah, yeah, that's it. Okay, smash your pass ball tapping.
I don't think I've experienced Okay.
Okay, okay.
I experienced it, and I didn't think I would like it, but I loved it. I was in a steam room and this sixty nine, which is probably the only reason I allowed to happen, because he was.
So I'm sure that person allows stops him doing anything.
He sat down next to me and he was like drinking me off, and then he just like did on my balls and.
It was imagine it was it was oh, but it was just like oh. And then he did it again. But I was like, oh, I kind of like this.
I'm afraid to do it on other people or to ask people to do it, because I know somebody got people got heavy hands.
You try to fuck somebody up, you know.
But I did enjoy it that one time. So I'll say I'll say smash.
I'm gonna let you. I'm gonna you know what, I'm gonna say, smash because it hasn't happened yet, So why passed on experience?
I passed on the opportunity.
Okay, work, okay, smash the past, couch sex ish smashish smash.
I don't mind starting on the couch.
Yeah, but then you need the space. Yeah. I like a couch moment. I think it's hot again.
It like, you know, like we're sitting on the couch watching porn, watching whatever, like starts there, but then it's like I need to get you hell out.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay, last one, smash your pass biting biting? Yeah, have you ever been bit? Somebody into biting?
I'm gonna say smash. It is though, the intensity. Obviously, it can't be too intense, like too painful, like a nice you know, in the heat of the moment type of a bite that bite on the neck, bite on the neck, maybe the ear, yeah, nipple maybe even But.
Just somebody told me about I think I was actually here what I was talking about. Somebody talking about they like like teeth marks down.
There, like arms and like their legs.
And they were teaching me how to do it, and it was very I was like, oh work, I'm glad this is but it is like a I wouldn't trust anybody again, heavy teeth I don't want.
Yeah, that's something that definitely again like a say for it in communication. Yeah, all right, well baby, you won the game.
Really, yes, you and my unconditional love because season one, well you know the podcast is called tell Me Something Messy, so kid, tell me something messy.
My goodness.
Okay, well let me start this Bice saying where's my camera? Grandma? This isn't the one for you. I know that you know you graciously and beautifully support me in silence on the on the internet, in silence.
Yeah, because I prefer.
Them to not tell me that they're engaging. This is the one to skip. This is the one to skip. Thank you so much. Should we take a moment Grandma? Good bye? Okay, So this is I'm just gonna go right headed into it. I'm figuring out where my prostate is located and how to get to know her and really and build a bond and a friendship. So for clarity, yes, I'm not scared of dick. I'm not.
Okay, I'm I'm fully grown.
But clarity, I'm not scared of dick. Put it on a fucking shirt.
Yes, I am an adult. Okay.
What I'm saying here is that I'm learning to receive pleasure from anal stimulation on my own because up till now, really at my grown age, for me sex when bottoming, my pleasure has mostly come from the pleasure that the receiving their receiving. Yes, yes, which is still I think gonna be a huge fundamental part of what pleases me.
But yeah, really, I would just get turned on by the connection with the person, right, and not so much that whereas you know, as I've gotten older and I'm watching more porn and I have friends that are just like they when we talk about sex from the bottom perspective, or experience the bottom experience. I'm just like, Okay, some things aren't clicking for me the way they are clicking for you. Like I want I want it to feel like I can use these niggas for their body too,
you know, absolutely, yes, Like what about me? Yeah, yeah, I think it's just yeah, there's just things that that we would discuss talking about sex, specifically about anal stimulation, and you're like, I'm I'm not really experiencing that yet. So it's like, oh girl, it's up to you to do that work. So how are you doing the work or what's the work that you're doing? So I invest in a quality prostate stimulator or whatever that's called, just
lots of everything. Yeah, it's just kind of like a like probe has a little vibrating section, but I'm not graduating to the vibrating. I'm just getting started locate her, introduce ourselves, you know what I mean. Gift Yeah, you know, yeah, I'm just kind of getting my bearings with that and seeing if I'm coming to any new revelation.
So far, so good, so far, so good.
Yes, any new revelations coming in or yes? Because you know something, tell me it's been a while like a ridiculous amount of time since I've had an orgasm while being penetrated.
So it was like, oh that, okay, hello.
You do you think it's like do you think it's the niggas you fucking that aren't doing it? Or do you think it's you not understanding where to put them or what do you It's a mixture.
Yeah, I think though a lot of it is going to be on me in terms of being like, hey, hello, this is what I need, This is what I need more of this right there? You're hot your cold former, Yes, that that is.
The hardest part I think for all of us is like, especially if you're receiving, so whether you're you know, the bottom volva owner, like if you're receiving, I think learning how to give feedback because you're still like, well, I'm not actually sure with the feedback. I know this saying it or I think this might not be it, but I'm not sure how to tell you to get to
where I want you. So that is the solo exploration of like putting it up there or playing with it and being like Okay, I like it fast, I like it on my stomach, I.
Like it back.
Do you have a favorite position where like I have experienced some kind of euphoria or something close to it.
Probably missionary, missionary, Yeah, yeah, probably missionary, especially because like the higher or further back your legs or I feel like it's like deeper like reach and probably find that area. But then again to what I was saying before, I'm in full view of you. I can see your facial expressions, you're you're sweating, I can touch your chest, you know what I mean?
Literally, yeah, I.
Think I am. I am too, I like need that connection. I like want to.
I had a guy out who's to fuck me, and missionary was always my favorite, but he wouldn't look at me, so he.
Fuck me, like closing his eyes and looking away. And I'm like, I'm like, we don't we ain't got to get married, baby, I'm already married. But like like I'm not trying to trap you, Like, can we look at each other?
Can we have a moment? I think that that's I don't know, people get scared of that. Yeah, why do you think people are scared of that? M I mean, I can give you basic answers, but like, what's the what's the note under the under the note?
I think intimacy and like vulnerabil there's a lot in the eye and in the face, being witnessed, being yeah, being witnessed, being seen, all of those things I think can be a little intimidating for people and then distracting possibly, And then on the flip side of that, I think it could just be that some people, you know, a person might be trying not to bus That's.
Fair because I will say, like if I'm if I'm topping and I'm looking at the person, I'm attracted to them, and like where the vibe is connecting, like this hard missionary, like you pounded them in the right whatever, it can be hard to keep that alone.
Yeah, sometimes let me look away, breath pull out, just like a little.
Bit some of the real quations. Yeah, I think that could be a lot of time.
Yeah, I love that. Thank you for sharing that.
That's why I'm here. I'm an open book.
I love that.
Shall we do some messy mail please?
I'm all about that if you listen to my podcast. Yes, all right, here we go.
I hooked up with the bear Daddy and he took a shoelace and tied my balls and penis.
What do you think about that.
That's it.
That's it.
Okay.
Could you imagine somebody taking a shoelace and the tying your balls and penis?
What would your reaction be toget tying them together?
I take? I mean I I was imagining.
I was imagining like a cockring or a cage type vibe. It's like maybe you like take the balls and you wrap I'm not our good at arts and craft, but it's like you wrap it around the balls and then you come around the penis.
Maybe I haven't really experienced like bondage or anything like that. Do you want to I'm open to it. Okay, I'm open to it.
So this sounds.
Like it is in that ballpark? Yeah? Sorry, pun absolutely and so like I mean, if you I'm curious, like it was it the fact that he used shoelace step bothered you? Was it the experience altogether that was new and fascinating? Because I mean, this sounds like for a couple of people, even though a few people I know personally, if I were to say, hey, you know, I heard this happy someone, they'd be like, yeah, sounds great. Does this sound great to you? I'd want to know why shoelace? Yeah,
I don't want to know why why shoelace? But that could be a thing. It could be.
I'm curious because I'm like the texture of a suit shoelace. Sometimes I guess that depends on the shoelace because someone have ridges. I'm a little more plastic.
But I feel like it could one.
I feel like I'd be impressed by it. So that would be a turn on, like if somebody was like, let me grab you, and then that would be impressed by it, and so that would keep me turned on. But I don't know. I don't know if i'd want to repeat it though, you know what I'm saying.
Yeah, that's one of those things where it's like, you know, God willing I make it to U Shady Pines and I'm like a one time back to Oh my god, remember this man gots some rush air Force one. It's just like over and over again, though I'm not sure why. Got it A good story, A good story. It's a great story exactly. Yeah, Yeah, this one says, which I wonder what's your what's your take on this? Said?
I slept with my ex boyfriend's best friend a year after we broke up. He cheated so I'm always curious about people fucking people's best friends, Like I'm always so curious about what that relationship is. Like a year later, I go, fuck his best friend.
Yeah, I don't sound like your problem, like like your it's not nice. It is, it isn't nice, but it's not your problems.
Necessarily, that's not your best friend. You can go with that. No more like.
Out of it. It's between it's between them two. Now you're right. I don't know, probably beloved, but yeah, you're right. I was trying to be like, oh, because you know ethics more of you know, the man cheated, you got him back, okay, but like.
His best friend has some explaining.
Absolutely, I just the best friend part of it. I mean, like not for for the person, but like the best friend, Like, damn, you're gonna fuck your best friend's ex.
That ship is nasty.
That's nasty work. That's that's nasty work.
That's nasty work. But to the to the caller, oh this is somebody want some advice. They said, I met a guy, turns out he's a doctor. How do I keep him on my roster and still do hoolish activities?
What is your advice for that how do you keep him on your roster and still do hoish activity.
I think doctors are the biggest hoes, and I think that because they know my body, they got access to the man. It's like, I honestly think you keep them on the roster by telling them you're you down for some whole ship.
I was literally going to say that, yeah, like, what makes you so sure that this person is like some sort of prude or would not be interested in being on the roster? Yeah, just because they're a doctor, regardless at my grown age again, I'm just like, look, do you kind of tell people what you want and what you don't want and let the chips follow.
The Honestly, you can't handle my whole activities, and we're probably not a match because there is somebody there that you would match with.
But like, if you can't handle it, then like I'm not It's like, don't keep it from them because.
It's gonna come out eventual exactly, So you might.
As well just say it up front, like I like some kinky or holy shit, are you down? Are you not? So off your back?
But I will say I've been to some of the nastiest parties and there were doctors there, like people that I know for sure, doctors and nurses and nasty judges.
Literally literally like people like sex, and you would be surprised how many of them.
Especially queer people.
Oh my god, I'm not going to be like, oh god, no, yeah, I think you's just say you just say it, just say it.
This one.
I think there's one more, which is we talked about this, which I'd like to talk more about. Hooked up with a friend, gave him head, but then he wouldn't kiss.
Me after very off before I'm assuming I so I so, okay, I went to a party.
It was a sex party. I think it was a party that was literally called a sex or something like that. So I went to the party and uh, it was an afters so you know you're not afters, like you know, people won't be nasty. So I get there and like you know, swings are happening, people are fucking, and one of my friends walks in. Somebody that I'm friendly with
walks in and we've always like flirted. We're not like besties, but like we've always like flirted in passing, and so oh here's an opportunity to like, so I like went to suck his dick, and then I went to make out.
With him and he said, oh no, no no, and like wouldn't didn't want to continue, like wanted me to keep sucking you dick, but like don't want to get tell me why I get that? Is it because we were at the party and a second a lot of other people's did. No. I think it might just be well, first of all, some people are not big kissers. I'm not one of those people. I do kissing, but some people are not really big on kissing, but they will eat and ask like a dig vice versa all day long.
And I don't argue those people like doors, you know, but.
I think that another thing about it could be that your friends and like the kissing part of it is more intimate and personal than just the act of sex or Shanitalia being stimulated, Like getting up there and kissing is like, oh you really kissing your rand. I'm just kind of like, I don't think I would give a shit if it's like, oh, we both happen to be here, this is the thing that's going on here. But I could see for some others it could be a little
too intent. I never thought about that but that makes sense. Kissing I feel like I can't. Kissing is both.
Intimate to me and it's also like, I don't look it's fun, and so I don't think I have the same uh stakes around it, but I can imagine that somebody would where it's like, oh I can get my dick suck. That feels impersonal, but once we start kissing, that feels more personal. And so then okay, all right, So I forgive this friend of mine because I was like, I'll never talk to again.
Have you rooked up with friends?
Yeah?
What are your like? How did that happen? Or how did that?
Because I think that's all always a question is like is it okay to hook up with your friends?
I say, don't hook up with all your friends, but don't them all.
But you know, if there's like a couple of friends that you have a sexual I think that it's fine.
Yeah.
With some friends that I have felt that connection our chemistry with, it's kind of like, let's just get this done and out the way, and this is the thing, there's a thing here, Let's just do it. Let's just do it. Because I've noticed, like a lot of friends of mine have said like they want to, but I don't want to mess our friendship up.
I don't, And I'm like, well, I.
Understand that if you think that I, maybe or maybe you one of us is not capable of having sex without a relationship or without emotion shifting. I don't really feel that way. I can completely have sex with someone that I find attracted to and still be cool with them and let the sex be the sex, if that's what we're communicating and we're clear about, right.
Yes, So in that's situation.
So sometimes it's like you meet someone and you might even have like a sexual chemistry or flirty relationship when you meet and become friends, but never do anything anything.
Yes, So sometimes I'm just kind.
Of like if the right time, right place, or that if they unity opportunity toize it's a game night, a vacation.
Cleaning up the board pieces, and then you know, I fall into your hole. I had a friend who I've had for years and years, like we've known each other for years, as I just said, but we've like never been able to have a sexual thing, and then we were able to recently, and I actually found it so healing, Like I found it so beautiful because it's like, well, I do care.
We have that friendship in that bond, and I do care about you. Neither of us are trying to be in a relationship, so I'm already in. So it felt like it got to be the emotional connection is there, which we're emotional connection girl is and so like the friendship already has that, and so the sex was able to be this beautiful healing thing that wasn't like, oh, it's going to fuck us up or like now we
got to talk and have like a serious conversation. It was just like no, we like fucked, like yeah, so beautiful.
Yeah, I wish more people were fuck there for Honestly, is that a hot take controversial?
I think it's a hot take by definition, but I don't think it's like a controversial opinion at all. I think that though sex as straightforward and normal and human and healthy as it is, it is complicated for a lot of people. And look, different people have different ideas, concepts, feeling surrounding it. So I get why some people it's like I can't cross that round. But you know, in my opinion, it's like you are sharing your body and experience and something with someone that you.
Are attracted to or care about or.
Both, And that doesn't have to necessarily be indicative of anything much more than that unless you want it.
To sex mean for you or like what is it? Because I'm sure it's changed over time, but like, what does sex mean for you?
Now?
I don't know?
It means like power, and not power over a person, but like power, yeah, individual like power and spirituality, right, because again, it's so human, it's so human, it's so natural and and vulnerable, and it's so there's so much that is true to me into any individual person. I don't think that we really tap into outside of sexual desire or experience or whatever. Now there's anything wrong with that, but it's just kind of like a really beautiful, normal
way to become very very close to yourself. Yes, yes, yes, possibly other people who you feel, you know you can trust and so on and so forth.
So I guess like power to me is just like a really beautiful human thing that we can do.
I like, then we can.
Think about us starting this conversation with like you exploring your prostate, because when I learned how to douche, I found such a power in learning how to do that. It was like, well, I'm learning about my body and how it works and how it operates, and like learning
how to use sex toys. It's like, oh, this is a way for I think sex we're taught is about the other person, and also oftentimes, especially if you're a bottom or your receiver, about pleasuring the other person, pleasuring a man specifically, Yeah, and never about your own pleasure and your own power, and like how do I figure out where that dick should go?
So it makes me feel good? And so there is a level of power that sex has given back to me in the exploration, which in itself is spiritual. It's its own religion.
It's the religion I subscribe to where it's like, oh, like this our body is my body, how my body interacts with yours or all of yours is it is spiritual.
It is you're right, Like when you're not unless unless you're like a heterosexual CIS male who has sex with CIS women, you are taught to kind of feel like enjoying pleasure as a thing that you shouldn't yes, like be open about, shouldn't feel, shouldn't express. And so when your folks like us who can sort of unshackle ourselves from that Yeah, there's power and spirituality in that where it's just like, oh, yeah, I not only like sex
and I'm allowed to. Yeah, I like this kind of sex. Yes, And I haven't tried this kind of sex yet, but I'm open to. There's just some it's we don't have much time in these things, you know what I mean, We don't, so we want to. I want to. I want to wear mine out. I'm always like you know, and maybe in my eighties, I'll still be you know, riding dicks, but like the knees won't be the same. I just know that. So I'm like, at this age, let me let me learn my body, let me let
me embrace that power. Now, let me, you know, make as many dicks squirt and holes, you know, just give me that squirt as possible, and and learn something about myself in the process. In fact, maybe first and foremost, what is my relationship to myself? First?
Because oftentimes sex can be used as a way to validate yourself, and it's like, you know, don't use them to.
Validate you, it your self, affirm yourself. You know what I'm saying. You know exactly what I was saying. That's what I'm saying it doesn't matter what it is. It like dick ass, sugar, alcohol, weed, protein, creatine, Like it doesn't really matter what it is like if you're not going after the thing or enjoying this thing for the right reasons, if you're not unpacking why this is important to you or drives you are passionate to you and what that means where it comes from, then like you're
in for trouble, Yes you are. Like it's going to catch up to you. It is going to catch up to catch up to you. So regardless of you know, all the things I'm saying about enjoying our bodies, having sex with friends, if you want to this sentence or it really is. I think the reason I'm able to find power and spirituality and fun in it is because I stay tapped into my intentions, my desires, the all
the threads behind those things. And so I feel like I'm able to when I am having sex or doing anything, if I'm pleasing myself, do it without the sense of like shame or inhibition or feeling like I'm going out here throwing ass around and ruining people's lives, because I know, you know, when what my intention is behind it and I'm not I know.
What my intention is behind it. Having Yeah, having an intention with your body and with your sex is a game changer because it is your body, you know. I think that, like we downplay that, but it's your it's your body. So whether it's a casual and anonymous a partner, like, it's still your body that's being of service or being used.
And I don't mean that in bad ways. I mean like in a great way some use, So like it's going to impact some way somehow, and you might as well know what that is, you know, so that you can do it the way you want to do it, avoid the ways that you don't want to do it. Like I And now that I know that, I'm emotional, girly, like that's where I that's my bread and butter.
Like I'm not stressed about going too dark rooms all the time because I know that that might not be the way I want to have sex. I think we are so often trying to have sex the way we see other people having it on TV are peers, but like, how do you want to have sex?
Is the thing's.
M hmmm.
Can I ask you one of the questions we're asking everyone, which is what do you need to learn to love more about yourself?
Learn more about?
Like, what about yourself do you need to learn to love more? As we talk about reflections on you know, our intentions about our body and our sex, like, what is the thing that you need to learn to love more about yourself?
I don't know. I think just my body in general. It's it's feels so like cliche with you know, I've been in La now for two years. Yeah, and you know, men here are La is gorgeous, just like perfect, perfect bodies, and that can be a lot sometimes when I'm you you know, trying to keep up or feel like I have to aspire to that, and so recently I've kind of just been like, you know what, this is the body that I've got.
It's relatively healthy.
I like it sexy as you know, I can just I can do things here and there, like workout, diet and so on and so forth.
But I'm not gonna like, I'm not.
Going to have my mood or confidence take a dive because I don't feel like I look like this thing or.
That person or whatever. You know. Yeah, So I think probably.
Just overall, like my body and shape and stuff, I think I had to kind of do some rewiring I'm in the process of and outside of that, probably.
Just my quirkiness, yes, the fact that I'm a little dork.
I love that whirdos run the world. Misfits run the world.
Truthfully, no, seriously.
The people who are not quirking, like you're living a boring life.
True.
The other question I asked is, have you ever had sex in a port of body?
Not penetration?
Okay, the other day oral sex? Was it the beginning of the night, at the end of the night, in the middle, so it was still like, yeah, it was like you know, shoun I say, the name of the party you could give a big name is okay, it's a part named after a worse.
Okay, whatever, whatever.
And it was actually was that the first time the actually two of them. Yeah, it might have been like maybe the first or second time I had been to that party, and I bumped into someone who I hadn't seen in a very very long time, and I didn't even know that we had like a little synergy and he just kind of became my circuit party boo. I love that it's the best. It is the best because those things are so overwhelming and you have like your little all I ever want.
My friends make fun of me because when I go to those parties, I like just need one person that can be like my boo for the night and.
We're good and it's like all the buddy who's keeping you know, but then you also can like make out.
And make our dance like like I'm not I'm actually not interested in like how many people I can make that with.
I'm like, just give me one.
I'm so solid. Especially you had to you know, pee.
Yeah, and then he went with you and and came out, and I'm just like, well I need that. That dick flopped out you so well, it didn't smell, It wasn't like it wasn't like filthy in the porter body.
Otherwise I couldn't have done That's all.
That's all I ask I asked. I asked for a clean Yeah.
Yeah, it wasn't disgusting.
It wasn't disgusting because I would have been trying to get out of it.
Yeah.
That so it was hot and wet and dark.
It was raining that day or that night.
Rather, it's kind of beautiful, poetic, the sounds of.
Tip tapping on top of that romance.
Yeah, I love that kid. Thank you so much for being here. Oh my god, thank you for having me on one of the most fun podcasts I've ever done.
Yes, well, you know that we are hose here, but hoes with heart. So before we get out of here, let me speak to yours. I did not say this on the pod, but I am obsessed with Fury. I've been following Kid Fury for years. If you don't know, Kif Fury is a co host of one of the most incredible podcasts called The Read. And I remember I had this memory of being in New York, so this is over ten years ago, and walking down in Chelsea
on I believe it was fourteenth Street. I think it's SBA, had like a theater and they were doing I believe maybe their first big live show, which.
I had no money so I couldn't come. But I remember being like, just so.
Inspired by this black queer duo who were talking shit on mics and recounting pop culture and just literally being themselves. And so to all these years later, have a kid come on our show means a lot. You know. I always say this to y'all, and I say this to anyone who listen. Representation matters. A lot of times you don't know if you can do something or even consider that you can do something unless you see some version of it out there.
And so I am always.
Just so grateful for the lighthouses that have been out in the world as I have tried to figure out what I want to do and how I want to show up. And so you know, kid was one of those lighthouses for me. So getting to sit down with them was.
Just a key. Okay. I love when Furia said sex is its own religion, and it is, and I think I was saying something about that at the top, because we're talking about the old church, that sex is church. Baby, it can be. I think it should be.
And how do you make it church? How do you how do you worship at the altar of sex? I think it's really about learning about you, right, learning about your body, learning about what turns you on, learning about what brings you pleasure. I said, this is the top, right, safe, sex, satisfying, affirming, freeing, emotionally connected learning What gets you there, what allows that, what does satisfy you, what does affirm you? What does make you feel free? What does emotional connection look like
to you? If you can figure those pieces out.
Baby. You had church, okay, and you should worship as often as you want. For some of y'all, y'all, Lord have mercy, and some of y'all, all my friends, is every goddamn day. It's a couple of times a day. For some of us. If you like me, it might be once twice a week because I'm a busy girl. I'm a working girl.
Okay.
Some of y'all be fucking in the middle of the day and I don't know how God bless, God bless.
I'm in a meeting, bitch, Okay.
And for some of y'all, it's once a month, or it's it, or maybe it's not even at all.
You know, shout out to the ACE community.
If you're like not into the kind of traditional sense of sex or penetrative sex or any kind of whatever, but redefining what sex.
Is for you, is sex a conversation? Huh? Hello?
It can be it's sex holding hands hello, Huh, it can be like I really really really can't impress enough about expanding what the definition of sex is and you defining it for yourself because the people out here, Oh Lord, let me get off my let me get off my little box.
But but hold on, I'm gonna get up on it one second. Let me let me get up on this box and.
Let me get off of it. Okay, But people out here, what have y'all think of sex? Is just about dick im pussy, okay, dick and pussy. Dick, im pussy, dick, dick, dick. That's what people have you think it's sexy about, and it is not.
Okay.
So sex is what it is for you, what makes you feel again, safe, satisfied, affirmed, free, and emotional connected.
That's what sex is.
So figure that shit out and worship at that as often as you would like. I'm having an intention with your body and sex. You know, I really believe that there should be an intention and everything, like, Uh, my hope when I'm operating at my highest self is that
everything that comes out of my mouth is intentional. That I don't say a thing to a person without knowing what my intention is, because that's how we you know, that's how things can become harmful is when people don't understand what they're saying or they're trying to say, or don't know how they're approaching things. You just say and do all kinds of random man shit and you end
up being harmful. And so intention is important. And I don't know if we're been I know that we are not taught to be intentional about our bodies, about how we use our bodies and how we let our bodies be used. We're not often taught to that we have agency, that we're allowed to have, We're allowed to How do I say it not only just own our bodies, but that we are in charge of it. That it doesn't have to operate the way it works for somebody else.
It doesn't have to operate the way that movie said it should, or that TV show it said it should, or that you know, straight white man said it should. Right, it gets to operate how we want it to. And so creating an intention about how you want to engage in sex, what you want to learn from sex, what you want to gain from sex, how you want to use your body, hav any intention with your body and sex,
I think is everything. My intention with my body is to allow it to express itself in the most expansive, free, satisfying way possible. My intention with my body is to know it intimately, that like when I feel something, whether it's physical, emotional, energetic. When I feel something, I know how to identify what that thing is. And if I don't know how to identify it, I know what resources I have available to me to help me identify what it is.
My intention with my body is to treat it with kindness, to treat it with love, to treat it with respect. That is my intention with my body and my sex. To treat sex with love, kindness, and respect. Which makes me think about when Kid was talking at the end about what he could learn to love more, which was you know, I think he said, I'm not going to have my mood or confidence take a diet because I feel like it. My body doesn't look like whatever, And I think that that is crucial. I had a friend.
I don't know if I said this on the show, but I said to somebody I had a friend. There's a couple of years ago I was doing a live show in la and my costume that you like, I used to be able to There was a version of myself that used to be incredibly skinny. I grew very
very like tiny. My mom's tiny, I'm tiny, and so I would be able to shop in the women's section for these clothes that I was wearing on stage, and my body has changed over time and got a little bigger, and I was trying on clothes and it just nothing would fit. Nothing would fit. All the things, nothing would fit. And I was about to beat myself up. I was already beating myself up about it. And my friend said
so gently and kindly, he said, bodies change. And though he said it so lovingly and without any judgment, that I just released and was able to not just accept that but respect that that my body is going to change and it's allowed to change, and how I feel about myself doesn't have to change with it, that my mood, my confidence doesn't have to change because my body has shifted.
I know that a lot of people see me in the body that I have right now, which is particularly muscular, but they don't know all the different versions of my body that I've had and that I've loved and that I've honored and respected, and the versions of my body to come as I as I continue to live this life. And so I say it from my own space and from every version of body that I've had, and also somebody who is in an industry that is very a little.
Obviously culturally we are very body conscious, but also to be in an industry and to have a job where your body is always up for critique and criticism, you will sacrifice your joy. You will sacrifice your life, your ability to live and experience and thrive if your mood and your confidence is tied to what you look like and what you think other people think about what you look like. So I don't know who needs to hear this, but it's not an overnight shift. It's not a switch.
But get about the business of learning to love and you and respect your body right the fuck now, where it is, where it will be, where it has been loved all because all of it is you. And I really learned this lesson. I don't know why I'm gonna dive deep into this just for a second. I want to pull this thread out because this is something that comes up a lot, which is I.
Remember I was in I was in like a my which I loved, my daddy thick face. And then when I got more muscular, lean, people who weren't paying attention to me and my thick face or my thick eraror started paying attention to me, And I remember feeling so.
Grossed out by that, if I can be real, because it was like, well I didn't change, Like, yeah, my body change. I did a couple more pushups, and but like, I'm the same. I'm the same girl, the same girl, the same sense of humor, same you know, coziness, same kindness, the same So.
Why now am I being valued?
And so I think I have learned in that experience and in other experiences that I cannot attach my worth to what my body looks like. I can't attach my worth to what other people think about me. I have to know my worth from the ground up. And when it comes to other people, the only opinions I care about are the people who are for me always and on mean for me as a like they're always like, yeah,
you're doing right, like I want pushback. But the people who are for me as in they love me, whatever version of.
Me they get, they love. Those are the people whose opinions I value.
Everybody else, you know, thank you for your opinion, you know, thank you whatever it is good or bad, thank you for opinion. But I can't take it to I can't base my life around that.
That is a that is a battle waiting to be lost.
If that's the battle, you're fighting to be appreciated and valued and loved by everybody and to take the opinions of people who are not your people to heart. If that's where you're at, you've lost the battle. So I don't know why I'm went all off on that, but I needed to. I needed to, so I did, And finally, get you a circuit party boo.
I don't know who needs to hear that, but get you a circuit party boot Okay.
If you're going to a circuit party, you don't have to go. But you know, if you're going to a little party, going to a little dark remiction, go a little warehouse situation, little sex party action.
You like to float around and you know you like to just like, you know, be with as many whop as possible.
Beautiful.
But if that's not your speed, okay, if that's not your speed, that's okay. Find you a circuit party, boo, find you a boo for the evening.
Okay, it's okay.
If you're like, listen, I'm not the.
Girl who can float from this to this to this to this.
I might need a little more connection, that is okay, Okay, affirm yourself in that all right.
It, I love you.
Okay, let's talk about this messy community challenge and girl, I don't know if it's gonna work, but we're gonna try it. I'm gonna try and engage all of us together. Because I had someone comment on a photo of me in the Out magazine that I recently came out, and they were saying they wondered what I did to I think make my muscles pop, is what they said.
And you know, as we're talking.
To kid about body stuff, and I feel like I'm talking about bodies all the time and people are always talking to me about it, I was like, I heard that, and I think it was a compliment. I'm sure it was a compliment, but then it started to make me spiral about what I look like. Here's what I've learned. Here's what I've learned from being in many versions of my body and from my time as a fitness instructor, which also allowed me to work with many versions of bodies.
And y'all, no, I'm an actor. I'm on camera a lot, and so you know, my job is about what I look like, and my peers and my colleagues are jobs or about what they look like. And so what I've learned is everyone is critical, the muscular girlies, the skinny girlies,
the plus sized girlies, everyone. Everyone is talking about their body in disparaging ways, and those flames are fanned by media, the beauty industry, and also in our own communities, people naming innocent comments like whether they're negative or they're positive, that pull at the threads of our self worth.
So here's the challenge for us. One week, one week from this Thursday or whenever you hear this to next Thursday. Okay, one week of not commenting on bodies, positive or negative, friends, celebrities, and most importantly you. The way you might innocently be critical of others is likely how you are critical of yourself. Possibly worse. If you're like me, it's very much worse. So let's come up with other things to point out
about ourselves and each other. If you hear a thought come up about your body or others, I want you to interrupt it. Stop telling people they look like they gained weight or lost weight, or you look like you've been working out. I want you to Here's what I'm gonna help you out. I want you to write.
Now, pull up your notes app or your journal, or take note of this timecode, and you can come back to this when you have a second as I'm going to just offer you a few new options of things to say, and I hope that it will inspire you to come up with some of your own. All right, So, if you're like, I hate how my tits look, turn that into I love how I show up for my friends in their time of need. I love the sound of my laughter. I love the sound of their laughter.
You look so good, right, which sounds innocent, but a lot of times that is directly related to our body, turns into your glowing what's bringing you joy today? Your body is amazing right again, which can activate for positive or negative, turns into whenever I see you, I light up, I think you're inspiring, or even more simply, your body is amazing turns into you are amazing, or you look amazing? Is you are amazing, you look beautiful, you are beautiful.
Take out whatever might reference the body and just talk about the person in their humanity. If you're like, I'm too fat or too skinny, turn that into I'm grateful to be breathing. I'm grateful for how my community loves me. I'm grateful for the.
Joy Real Housewives, Assault Lake City brings me ls t lst. Okay, I want to lose weight or I want to gain weight turns into I am enough right now? As I am. This will be hard. This is not about toxic positivity, but it really is about working that muscle, being intentional about how you talk about yourself. Failure should be expected. Okay, perfection is not the goal.
Awareness is failure and to me is a code word for growth. So grow, my love. Award yourself just for noticing when you slip. So if you do, go damn.
I look to this or to that or I hate how this and you notice it, give yourself a pat in the back. That's huge, that's massive, and pivot replace it with a new thought.
Do it for one week. Reset every day. Remind yourself in the morning with a notification on your phone or post it on your front door. That's how I do it, know talking about bodies, others or my own. Review your options, the ones I just gave you and the ones that you might come up for yourself, and.
Hour by hour, don't think about the whole week. Just take it hour by hour. If you need to take it second by second. Do that, okay.
Just be intentional about how you talk to yourself and others about body. Tell your personal community that you're doing it right. So if you're going out to brunch and people start talking about bodies, listen, this is what I'm doing. If y'all want to join me, join me. But otherwise I'm just not I'm not doing that for one week.
I'm on a fast.
It's a cleanse, okay, a reminder that you are more than your body. And I want you to engage with me about this, so you can email me or dm me throughout the week the good shit, the hard shit, the unprocessed shit, like if it's working, if it's hard, if it's.
Rather easy, email me, dm me. I want to hear about it, and we will talk more about it next week. I'm so excited about this messy challenge and I really can't wait to hear what you discover. Again, there are no there's no right, there's no wrong. There's just curiosity and compassion. I love you. If you are enjoying this podcast and you are vibing with me and our guests, please please please do not forget to rate and review and subscribe to the podcast, give us this five stars,
write us a little. That show is so good y'all should check it out.
Also, send it to your group chat, send it to people who you think would also vibe. Spread the mess really helps the show. You can find me on Instagram as well at Brandon Kyle Goodman. You can find our podcast at tell Me Something Messy.
And you can join our community on.
The Messy Monday's substack. When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts, recommendations on sex and self and so much more. Also, I want to hear from you, so send your topic ideas, your messy stories, your submissions, your game ideas to tell Me Something Messy at gmail dot com. You can also call us at six six nine sixty nine messy. That is six six nine six nine six three seven seven nine. Rate review and share this podcast with all your hoe
and aspiring HOE friends. Really really helps the show out. All right, Until next time, ask about the politics of that dick before you make it spit, make sure they eat the kitty, buffore day, beat the kitty before fucation or succation, come unication. And in case you haven't heard it yet, today you are so deeply loved, I Love you bye. Thank you so much for listening to Tell Me Something Messy. If you all enjoyed the show, send
me episode to someone else who might like it. Tell Me Something Messy was executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly. Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio and The Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app or anywhere you subscribe to your favorite shows.