You do not need to sacrifice the functionality of your whole for some fleeting pleasure.
You know what I'm saying.
Tell yourself there are plenty of dicks in the sea, and I am worthy of each and every one of them.
Come on, that's team right there. Now, you know what.
This is a safe space to talk about relationships, love and sex. Now let me tell you something messy. I don't know who needs to hear this, but please have lube in your house. I don't. I always I've gotten into the habit of bringing lube with me if I go to like a hook up, because on more than several occasions I have shown up as a top, as a bottom, as ready to flip and be verse, and the person doesn't have lube. I'll even now, I'll be like,
do you need me to bring anything? Because I want them to be like, I need to bring lub if they need because.
What are y'all doing?
What are y'all doing in people over to your house to fuck and you don't have loub That's confusing to me. It's like, if I invite people over to my house, I would make sure there was toilet paper and paper towel, because how am I inviting you over to my house for a dinner and there's no toilet paper and there's no paper towel. That's crazy to me. That's how you also know like it's a boy's house, because like you like,
what are you talking? Like, why don't you don't I'm not saying everybody's gotta take a shit at your apartment or they're taking a shit in your house, but if they're gonna pee, you know, ladies want a pet pet and also like, by the way, I like to pet pat, so I'm not dribbling into my underwear. So I've got I've lost the rates on this. All of this to say, please have lub with chiuds. Please also have toilet paper and paper toblet chowls. But please, if you invite people
over and you host it, be a host. That's what it is. If you're being a host, be a host. Some of you, some of you don't know how to host. You said you put hosts on the app I'm hosting.
You can come.
You don't know how to host. I need I need a water filter. Don't give me your tap water. I'm serious as fuck girl. If you offer me water, don't go to that tap. I don't know where that TAP's been. I want you to have a water filter or water bottles. Maybe I'm being bougie, and y'all could tell me. Y'all can foozball me if you need to, But I'm gonna tell you right now. I don't want your tap water. We're not in college.
Girl. You know what I'm saying.
Give me, Give me a water bottle or a filter water I bring. I'm this bougie. I usually bring a water bottle because I don't know, because I don't know, because I don't know.
I fuck men. You know what I'm saying. I fuck men and men. You know ladies, you know you know you gotta become prepared, have the water, and have the lube. I don't go and not am Oh my god, can I say this?
If you pull out the lube and it's just a dribble left.
Throw it out? What do you have? Girl? What are you doing? That's not enough.
That's not gonna get us through that's not gonna get us through this you got. I don't understand that you got that little dribble you If we need to put a line on the loub box that says refill I was. I was refilling my don So and I realized there's a line that says time to refill, and so I bought the refill thing and I refilled it. And I think we need that on the Loub bottles because some y'all are forgetting. Y'all are inviting people over and you are forgetting that you need.
We need it. We need the loop.
Babe, listen, spit it's hot. I'm gonna spit with you. I got you. You know I'm gonna eat that ass. I'm gonna get it wet. I'm gonna suck that dick. I'm gonna get it wet. Absolutely, I'm with you on that. I'm with you on that. But we also won't We will need that lube if we're if if if somebody's getting inside somebody.
Tonight, we will need that loob.
So you know, if you got to put that on like an auto subscribe or whatever, like find your Loube company and like I don't know, I don't know if Loub companies have like an auto subscribe situation. But you know, every month, let them send you a new bottle, or you need to put a calendar remind you know, every couple of weeks, calendar of MyD time to go to the sex store, pick up lube, order lube, do what
you gotta do. But do not have people coming over to your house and you ain't got lube and you off from them.
Tap water.
I'm I don't know where your pipes have been, girl filting that water for me. And same thing if you just invite people over for dinner, make sure you got toilet paper and paper towel, don't play, and soap and soap and soap, please please.
We are not in our life.
We are not nineteen. And if you're nineteen, shout out, okay you hear me, I love you, Hi. Make sure you know be better than the other nineteen year olds and have paper towel and toilet paper and the lube and whatnot.
But we are not we not we not, We're not there no more. We grown.
We grown as fuck. Okay, we're grown as fuck. So and if you can't listen, and if it's a financial thing, because sometimes let's tea right, it might be a financial thing. I listen, lube can be price at fuck.
If it's a.
Financial thing, baby life hack, I want you to go to you can go to the clinics, or you can go to the sex store.
I want you to get samples.
I want you to get samples, and then you're gonna take those samples and you're gonna refill your actual bottle with those samples. Don't throw out your bottle, baby, refill that bottle with the samples.
Look at that.
Look at that. Messy Mom is helping you out. Well you speaking of By the way, welcome to the show. This is telling me something messy. I am your host, Brandon cok goodness. Some people call me messy mom, but you could call me. Oh no, what can you call me? Luberacchi?
What y'all? Some of y'all turn this podcast off immediately.
I know.
I'm sorry, sorry to come back. Don't leave me. Don't leave me, don't leave me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. But that's kind of genius, Luberaci come on, come on.
Anyways, Speaking of messy Mom, this is our first Ask Messy Mom episode, which is just to say that there is no guest. It's you and me maybe answering your messy submissions, your your questions. Some of you email me longer submissions, so I'll be reading some of those out and we're gonna have us a little a good time, a good key key. But before we get into the messy mail, might I share some my messy mom what?
What? What?
What can we call this segment? Messy Mom Cares, messy Mom, messy Mom Wisdom, messy mom Nuggets. I just want to share something called the over over over rule, which is
something that I created to help me navigate relationships. And I shared this on Watch What Happens Live in November when I was promoting our podcast, I was asked a question about polyamory, uh, and so I offered my over over overrule, which I think can work for polyamory, can work for monogamy, can work for romantic relationsships, platonic relationships, professional relationships.
I think it's just a rule that's.
Really great for building relationships and making relationships feel safe and secure, loving and compassionate.
So can I share it with you? Can I share with you? Right now? Okay?
This is the over over overall communication over no communication, transparency over honesty, dumb questions over no questions.
All right, girl, are you with me? Are you with me? All right? Let me break it down.
So communication over no communication. That obviously seems obvious. But talk to your partner compassionately. Say everything what you're afraid of, jealous of, nervous about, excited about. Do not assume your partner knows. Set them up for success by communicating your feelings.
Here's the deal.
Because of like you know, the Verman Took Levels and our TV shows, we are taught that like real love is you just know everything about me.
It's like, that's not true me.
Like you're evolving, you're growing, you're shifting, and how would I know all those evolutions that are happening inside of you if you're not communicating it. So that you might have loved in our first year together, you might not love so much in our third year together. Something you would were completely averse to in our first month you might be all about in our sixth month. So communication communication over no communication. Do not assume that you know
everything about your partner. Do not assume they know everything about you. Do not require them to know everything about you. We want to learn about each other constantly, so talking. Oh. The next one is transparency over honesty. So honesty is great, but honesty is when I ask you a question, you tell me the truth Transparency is I'm just gonna tell you the information before it's asked.
And I think that this is such an important.
Opponent, you know how that's spelled baby, because it helps us build trust. Transparency offers information before being asked, which allows your partner to feel safe that you're not keeping things from them in secret. Now, you may not keep thinking in secret, and that may just not be who you are, but it doesn't mean that your partner doesn't have baggage. We all have baggage. You have baggage. We're
coming to the table baggage. And so if you have come from a family or previous relationships where there was secrecy, where people weren't honest, how many of y'all can relate, Yes, where people did lie, where there was betrayal.
Or people just didn't talk. Come on suburban families.
That's inside of your your your makeup as a as a person like you're you're you're wired to be. We're not conscious of it, but to be looking for that, to be assuming that right. And your partner may not be somebody who keeps things from you whatever, but it doesn't mean that you aren't by default going to assume that they might write or vice versa, and so transparency is just a really loving and compassionate tool to just
get in the habit of now. By the way, secrecy and privacy are not the same thing.
I do believe in privacy.
I do believe even if you're you're in love and you love each other, you're together, that is okay if there are certain things that you keep private that are yours, and that is totally fine, and you will share when you feel ready. But secrets or what we're trying to avoid the things that you're like, I know I shouldn't be doing this, or I know I need to tell them right, So just offering transparency and just saying the thing, Hey,
I am going out with these people tonight. That might be an example, just so that you're not thinking that I'm out with you know somebody I shouldn't be out with, or I am going to be doing this, or I'm my plan is to head over here, or or.
This is how I'm feeling about this.
Like, just the transparency over honesty I think is uh is fundamental in building that trust. Okay, and now dumb questions over no questions, It is okay to not know how to navigate the humps in your partnership. No relationship looks exactly like yours because you.
Are co creating it in real time.
So instead of mustling through or pretending like you know what you're doing, be brave and ask the dumb questions. Learn about your partner and your relationship together. So you know, I think about this with polyamory specifically because sometimes you know people like well assume, oh, I should know how to relate to all these partners, or I should know how to have a conversation when I'm feeling jealous about something. Baby, you shouldn't or I should. The shoulds are actually killing you.
You don't have to know anything. Ask the question, don't assume, don't hold it in. Even if it's a dumb question. You get to say, this is a this may be a really dumb question, but how do you feel about this?
Or how do you do this? Or how do we navigate this? Ask the question.
Now, all these components communication over no communication, transparency over honesty, dumb questions over no questions. What they're really facilitating is over communication, which is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. That's ultimately what I'm getting to is that over communicate, Baby, I'll say it again, over communicate. I think it is so loving and generous and kind to over communicate. It
leaves no guessing. It's very clear, and even if we don't know certain things, we get to say I don't know how I feel about this, or I don't know what I think about that, and that is also helpful. Yeah, so all of this, the overrule is really about facilitating over communication, and I promise you over communication will help you build a safe relationship, whether it is polyamorous, whether it is monogamous, whether it is romantic, whether it is platonic,
whether it is professional. Being able to say the things will make you feel better and will just allow everyone to always be on the same page or to get back on the same page and to feel aligned.
Okay, oh fucking gay. Yeah maby, we did that. All right.
Let's get into your submissions and your questions. But before we do that, we have to do, you know, our home manifest o. Grant me the serenity to unpack my shame, the courage to heal, the wisdom to know that sex is not about penetration, the audacity to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries, the strength and not call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl, or fuck day for it is better to masturbate by myself in peace than to let someone play in my motherfucking face. Let the hommunity
say holujah ooh. A bit of homekeeping before we get into this first mess email, which is we are trying to get to those two hundred and sixty reviews and ratings before.
The end of the month.
I think we're like at two eleven on Spotify and I can't remember how many we have on Apple.
But if you.
Haven't, baby, do me a favor. When you review and rate the show. Give it the five stars. Really helps the show grow, helps it get into the hearts and the hands and the ears of people who might really want to be part of it but just don't know that re exists. So that really helps to thank you, Thank you so much. Okay, give me that bail, give me that, give me that chime, that that the messy mail chime.
Ah. All right, let's read this first one.
Can I be polyamorous and only want to date monogamousts? I mean, you could be, babe, You could be whatever you want.
You know what I'm saying. You could be whatever you want.
I guess my question would be if you are polyamorous and only wanting to date monogamous, this is feeling like, you know, the gay who only wants to date the straight guy. You know what I'm saying, which the note beneath the note, the thing that's happening underneath is essentially you are afraid.
Of somebody who wants you back.
And so you know, if you're somebody who's polyamorous purposely wanting to date people who are monogamous, I feel like you're afraid to be wanted back because you know they're monogamous. They don't want to do this thing that you're doing, and are you trying to turn them? That's not very loving or compassionate. You know, I want to respect where you are in your journey and what it is that you see for relationships in the same way that I
want somebody to respect what I see for relationships. But also if I'm going for that person no wing ahead of time, that we are at conflict like this, then I would say, for you, my dear love, are you scared of somebody who actually is aligned with you?
Are you scared of being loved?
Like? Can we just go there and say it head on. Are you scared of being loved? Which is a fair a fair fear. That's an understandable fear because with love comes heartbreak, right, and that's not to be morbid or whatever, but this, you know, when we love people, things happen, right, the relationship may not last forever. Things ebb and flow, and so you give of your heart knowing there's a gamble. Whereas if you are going after someone that you know
you can't have, that's you just trying to control. That's you try to like control shit, which when it comes to love, you don't have control. You know you you you have control over over how you show up, which is kindly and compassionately and lovingly, but you don't have control over whether or not that person stays or doesn't stay, or whether that person stays the same, which hopefully neither you do.
In the the.
Trajectory relationship, hopefully you're both growing and you grow together. But in that growth can also be a growth apart. So all that to say, I would reflect on yourself first before before trying to go turn a monogamous or go after monogamous. I would ask what are you afraid of? What? Are you afraid of losing if you were to be with somebody who actually is also polyamorous like you are? Okay, I gotta hate that what I've didn that? Yes, I
know things, I know things. I do know things, not everything, but I know some things.
Okay.
This one says my hubs finally all caps wants butt play, but it's so smelly.
We need to laugh.
I don't need to laugh, no, worry is just funny. And how do I tell him.
To wash it? He's straight and cists.
I'm a straight CIS female who wants to blow his mind, but without gaggy, at least not from that patron. This really made me giggle. I'm patroon. I'm gonna hold your hand when I say this. You're gonna tell him to wash it respectfully, just like that, Hey baby, You're gonna.
Hold his hand.
You're gonna say, hey baby, I want this. I've been waiting to get in that ass. I would love to blow your mind, but we gotta wash it.
Get in a shower.
And if you don't want to do that, then you know I've heard somebody say, you know, we you take a shower with the partner and then you wash you know, make it text of him and wash your chest, and then I wash your stomach.
It'll wash your pubs, and then turn around and wash your ass. Wash it.
Also, get a bedet in the house. You know, it's like add that little bitat fixture which you have anyway, because that's just gonna be better for the antal health. But get a beday in the house so that he's naturally always you know, washing it. That said, let me say this is a straight man. It's the camera's camera straight man.
Baby.
Ain't nothing wrong with having your ass played with. I just want to say that right now. Okay, it's not gay.
It's pleasure. Can I say that it's not gay?
It's pleasure. You got a process of that. It feels good. It's nothing wrong with having your ass played with. It does not compromise your manhood, not even a little bit. Okay, so I have your ass played with, But let me tell you this. You gotta wash it because a lot of stuff comes out of that hole, you know what
I'm saying. And so before you can put anything up there, a toy, your partner's mouth, their nose, it would be respectful of you, it would be healthy, safe, and respectful of you to clean that ass.
Don't be asking somebody to eat your.
Ass, knowing full well you ain't putting out a drop of water, let alone soap on that whole. That to me, to present a shitty asshole, knowing that ain't my cake. To present a shitty asshole, if it's not somebody's cake, to present a shitty asshole is disrespectful. And I know you a man, I know and love to be disrespectful sometimes I know, I know, but not like this.
Please please, please please wash your ass, you grown. I don't know why we have to tell you. This ain't your booty itch? You in it.
Even if you're not getting it eaten out? Is it an itch when it ain't clean? You ain't tied in the skin marks? Babe, Babe, you ain't tired of throwing them underwear out. You're not throwing it out, are you? Damn damn, you're not throwing that underwear out. You just skidding and sliding and putting the right back on. Ain't you don't do that? You deserve better, You deserve more, love yourself, just a little bit more. Okay, wash that
ass and throw that shitty underwear out. Love, throw it out. Okay, okay, I hope that helped Fatrian. This one says, I'm trying not to catch feelings after two dates and it's been tough.
Please slap me to wake the fuck up. Two dates? Well, I don't like slapping.
Actually sorry, I don't like slapping, but unless I like spanking, okay, work. You are not catching feelings. You are catching fantasies. You are projecting your fantasies on to this person you don't know.
Two dates. You don't know nothing about them.
What's their middle name, what's their favorite scent, what's their credit score? You don't know nothing about them. You not catching feelings. You are catching the most. Maybe a smile, my love right because you found out that they like aoli with their fries. That's I'm catching a smile because I also like aoli with my fries. But that's not feelings. Well, I guess it is feeling like like I feel happy to know that you also like aoli. But I'm not
building my life with you. Nigga, what are you talking about?
It's two dates. It is two dates.
I could like you a lot, I could be intrigued, I could be eager and excited or I feel something here.
Beautiful, but that's it. But I got questions. I'm so sorry.
We are not.
Twenty years old, love. Okay, this is not Dawson's Creek.
That's such an old reference. Girl. It's not Riverdale. I never watched it. This is not name a show. What's the show where they fall in love all the time?
I don't know, But it's not that. Okay, this is real life. What the fuck is your credit score and your middle name?
My love? What's your favorite scent? Do you like the same candles that I like?
Because if you don't, if you like something more floral and I like something more woodsy, this is gonna be a problem in our cohabitation situation. I'm dead ass. I'm dead ass. You don't know nothing about this person. You ain't catching no feelings. Okay, come on, at least give me, at least tell me. We've been together two months, you know what I'm saying. At that point, I'm like, yeah, you are catching feelings. You'll be talking to each other.
For two months? Two dates?
Is it in the same week even or did it was a week in between. I don't like. You're in your fantasy, You're in your fantasy. Love, You're in your fantasy m.
Wake up. Wake up. That's your slap. That's me tapping table. Wake up? What are you wanna say? Not on my watch?
Sorry, I'm slamming tables like I'm not on a podcast. But she slams the tables and she goes not on my watch and.
Saying, none of my watch. This I got you.
Wake the fuck up. Okay, stop projecting your fantasies. Catching fantasies, not feelings. Mostly you gonna catch again is a smile and smile especially and if they pay for the bill, smile even harder. Okay, that's not feelings. I'm gonna catch your feelings. I'm smiling. You paid that bill, Thank.
You, thank you.
Love.
You might get a second date, you might get a third date. Talk to me after date five.
If we are on five, if we go on five dates five business days, you see what I'm saying, five dates, that's the equivalent of five business days. Okay, that might be enough time to stay. I like this person. This person is something. Now you know what I'm saying. How long is the day now? Okay, here's the difference. Okay, okay, if your two dates, I'm making this up. But if your two dates equal twelve hours, we.
Might have something to talk about, okay.
But it has to be in your local city, like where you live. Okay, it has to be twelve hours in your city where you live. Then we might talk because I don't know about y'all. But sometimes you be having that international okay, to be twelve hours. You know, you be up in Madrid, you be up in by you, I mean me, you be up or somewhere foreign, and you know you have them dates that are twelve hours, and you be feeling all the fields you're in Spain my love. Of course you catch you feel is it's
lovely here. Your real life is not here. Of course you catch you feel as for niggas across the pond because you're not in your real life.
Oh lord, okay, y'all get me tired. Okay, I'm sorry. Okay.
This one says I do not experience sexual desire until I've grown an in person connection with someone of any gender identity. And also, I think until I know that the attraction is reciprocated. I would like to move into a kind communicative learning whe era, but I'm struggling with making connections that are clear enough for me to feel the trust I need to feel sexual attraction. What tips do you have about how to look for people who
are ready for transparency and fun? Thank you for the light and laughter and fun of the show and also all of your content. It is pulling me through quite the life momento. Ah.
Well, hello, what should we name you? Let's name you Jerika. I don't know why, but hey, Jericha, thank you for this question.
Well, first of all, it sounds like you might be demisexual. So demisexual is when you need to know somebody in order to experience that sexual attraction. But by the way you maybe that doesn't resonate. But I would you know, suggest researching demisexuals, going on YouTube, listening to somebody who is sexual talk about their experience and see if it resonates. At the very least, it'll give you maybe more language to articulate more of how you might identify or make
you feel seen and how you're feeling. My advice here, which you know, you know, I'm always gonna say this. I'm gonna say this to everything. Take what you need to, take what's useful, and leave the rest. But when it comes to finding people who are ready, for transparency and fun, it requires, in my opinion, for you to also be transparent and fun. And what I mean by being fun is to lower the stakes and have a good time.
To take the pressure off. And I'm sure you've heard me say this, take the pressure off the dating or meeting this person having to be the be all end all, or having to be the perfect fit, and just show
up in curiosity and compassion and be transparent. I have found better partners by offering the transparency first because it allows me to see how they respond to it, and if they don't respond well to it, that's not a partner that I'm gonna fox with, right But the people that do respond well to it, who are like, I'm like, this is what I'm looking for, this is who I am, or this is what I'm interested in or whatever, or however, however I show up in my transparency and they respond
in the same way and they like are engaged in the conversation. Those are people that I can really fuckx with. Also, people who are like not necessarily trying to talk about sex right away, even if even if we are on the apps, even if we're on the sex apps, but they're like how's your day? What kind of music do
you like? Did you are you watching this show? Like whatever it is, where it's just a it's an expansive conversation that doesn't just have to do with you know, where do you want to put your dick?
Or how wit is that pussy? Right?
Which there are times for that, but I think in what you're looking for, which is emotional connection, to build the sexual attraction and sexual connection, just talk like that, be the be the transparent one, talk about the other things besides sex, and see how that person responds, and then go from there.
I hope that's helpful.
I think that's a delicious place to start. And I'll also affirm that your desire to move into a kind communicative learning whole era is perfectly wonderful. So even though maybe you're meeting people who are not on that same wavelength, it doesn't mean that there aren't people who exist who would be on that same wavelength. So I think sometimes when we are pursuing what we want and it goes against what we've seen in media and have been socialized, we can feel like we're the odd one out. But
you're not, baby, You're absolutely not. So that those transparent and fun partners are out there. Start with you being transparent and fun. All right, I love you, Dereka, Thank you for the question. This one says I got dped without lube in a Brazilian bath house on my birthday.
I can't poop.
Now, Well, please don't do this. Y'all be getting so digmatized that you make dumb ass decisions. You know what I'm saying, dickmatized making dumb ass decisions. You only get one hole in your life. Why are you putting dicks, not one, but two dicks in your hole with no loop?
This is no judgment.
This is my messy mam is talking to you with love.
Okay, why would you do that? What was the reason? What was the reason?
I know you in Brazil and listen in Brazil. From what I understand, I haven't been yet before. I understand they be serving face somebody. They are so fine, they are other other worldly.
I get it.
But who are you impressing by taking two dicks with no lube and now you can't poop.
You only get the one hole. Who are you impressing?
Not your proctologist you, Who are you impressing? Who are you impressing taking two dicks with no lube in a bath house with some Brazilians, not them.
But now you can't poop. My god, my god, now you can't poop.
You know how vital it is that you poop, You're how important it is that.
You're uh uh no.
Hmmm, because if you can't, if you can't poop, you can't take no more dick. We want them to ruin our pussies, not turn our pussies into ruins.
I don't know who needs to hear that. Let me say that again. Let me say that again.
We want them to ruin our pussies, not turn our pussies into ruins. Amen, somebody, a fem somebody, who are you trying to press? There should be loup all over? If you know this thing? To me, this is what this was wild to me. If you know that you're going to the Brazilian bath house, you are about to take dick's. You've cleared out, you've douched, you've prepared.
Where's the little blve? Why not bring the lube with you? Why not? Why not?
Why not cary the lube with you? Why would you leave the lube there? You know what I'm saying why not, why not bring the loop drown me in loup. You know what you could do, because wen this with Alex Hall, you could.
You could.
You could take a syringe and pre loob at the very least, at the very least, take a little syringe and pre loops. There's some loop in there. Suck them dicks real good. Wow, this is the show. Oh my god, I just I saw if you're listening to this, I just saw myself in camera mimic two dicks coming to my face, and I thought, wow, So this is the show, this is this is my job, this is my career. But te you grabbed those dicks and you suck them. You suck them until they're nice and wet, sloppy, and
then maybe you get one. You don't need to get both of them in there. Bring you a little bit of loub honey next time. Next time you see two beautiful dicks or just some dicks and you want to take it and you can't because you don't have LOUB on you. I want you to say this to yourself. I want you to shake yourself and I want you to say there are plenty of dicks in the sea, because really, Ooh, we're about to get this. What's happening,
my love is you're approaching this from a scarcity mindset. Yeah, babe, I'm gonna go into it.
You think of these are.
The only dicks that I will ever get if the universe?
All right, go with me, honey.
If the universe provided you those beautiful dicks, it will provide you more beautiful dicks.
You do not need to.
Sacrifice the functionality of your whole for some fleeting pleasure.
You know what I'm saying. Tell yourself.
There are plenty of dicks in the sea, and I am worthy of each and every one of them.
Come on, come on, come on. That's tea right there. I'm gonna do it again.
I do not have to sacrifice the functionality of my whole for fleeting pleasure, because there are plenty of dicks in the sea, and I am worthy of each and every one of them.
AFM, this one says Hi.
I've been listening to this podcast the last few months and have enjoyed the PEP talks about sexuality, blackness, and queerness. I need some advice. I've been dating this guy since October, almost six months. We started out with spontaneous sexual chemistry and seeing each other almost every day or every other day.
We've gone on many.
Dates, from park days, sports bars to a getaway in Palm Springs. In all honesty, we've had our issues, but we do like one another a lot. However, we have not had sex since February. We've had little mess arounds, but he has not typically initiated anything. Even a BJA or hand job session has varied anywhere from two to three weeks at this point. I've talked to him about it and told him that I've been frustrated and feeling undesired. I'm not sure what to do. His responses keep varying
and are confusing me. I've also asked him if he thinks he's asexual. He was depressed for a bit because he lost his job, but now he's got a new gig which has him working over time. It's April and I'm not really sure what to do now that we aren't being as intimate. I'm wondering if we're death than to be just friends. My needs are not being met, and although I've communicated with him on multiple occasions, nothing has changed. I'm sad, confused sexually frustrated and a bit
helpless right now, I am not sure what to do. Okay, let's call you tender heart, because that's what I'm feeling in your message, that you are tenderhearted right now, high tender heart. First of all, I want to affirm that this is very frustrating, and I want to hold space for your sadness, for your confusion, for your sexual frustration. That's a lot, and especially since it's only it's been a short not only but it's been a short amount of time, right that you've been seeing this person less
than a year. You know, the sex waiting so quickly can be confusing. Here's what I will offer, and I'm gonna hold your hand when I say this. Okay, actions speak louder than words, and so although his responses might be confusing, his actions are very clear. If you have communicated, you've asked the questions, you've asked about asexuality, you've asked about the get you, you've said what you've wanted, and there's no change, then now the ball is in your court,
which is to say what do you need? And it might not be to be in this partnership or this relationship. If we were talking about you've been with this person for three or four years and this is happening. That's a very different conversation than within the first couple months. And I'm not I don't know anything about you know this partner, And there can be a myriad of reasons why they are no longer engaging in sex. That can be personal. They may not know how to communicate what
they're experiencing. They might not even think that anything is wrong, but you feel it. And so I'm going to talk to you, tender heart and say that this might be And I don't want to tell you what to do, so again, and take what you need to, take what's useful,
leave the rest. But this might be one of those moments where you have to choose you and you have to go, Okay, I see the actions, I hear the words, but they're not matching the actions, and I'm gonna trust the actions and this person I've asked for change and hasn't made change. And so now what do I want for myself? And if it's hard to make that change, I want you to think about yourself in third person.
So if you were your best friend and your best friend wrote this tenderhearted letter, or said these tenderhearted things to you. What advice would you give them? My guess is you would say, hey, babe, you a badass bitch and you deserve more than what's happening. And so if you know homeboy is not making the change to the shifts,
then you get to walk away. And that is sad, of course, and heartbreaking because you have somebody that you've connected to, but you can still be friends, you can still make a friendship, you can still make a connection. You don't have to lose that person completely, but they just might not be your romantic partner. Yeah, sometimes we're not compatible with people. It doesn't mean that we're not worthy, doesn't mean that we're not a badass bitch. It just
means we're not combatible. We're not aligned, and that's okay. Yeah, the sooner you get about the business of making a shift on your end, the sooner you will be able to make space for.
A partner that you might be more aligned with.
So be sad, grieve this relationship, grieve the excitement you had around it, and then also allow it to transform, shift, morph, and expand into something else.
Yeah, Kinderheart, I love you. Thank you for this service.
This next one says, honestly, would love to hear you talk more about post anal conversations when you're new to it. How mature conversation should sound if there are messes. I always feel so shameful and embarrassed even talking about the potential of anal play, even though it might not bother me personally. Don't get me wrong, No mess is best, but there's always a potential for one, and I might
just need to explore to get over my fear. Any tips would help, Hi, what should we call you anal bestie?
Lovely? Hi, anal bestie? I think this is such a great question and so important.
The way that I think those conversations should go is full compassion and love. If a mess happens and somebody's like aal grows ah, I don't want to be around those fuckers at all, right, because, as you said, you were gonna do our best to not make a mess, but it is the fucking asshole. Shit happens, literally, and when it happens, you wonder that you're with people who are compassionate and the way the conversation should go. Especially I believe right the person who had the accident, the
and it's not irresponsible to make the space compassionate. You are navigating a lot in that moment, so I think it's the responsibility of the other partner or partners to support you to you know, what do you need. Let's get you the shower, Let's clean this up, you know, reaffirm you you're good, don't worry it happens. I still
find you sexy, right like you. Shitting should not make you less sexy, cause everybody shits, okay, even if you don't put nothing in your butt, all airbody shit, so you shitting should not or having an accident should not make you less attractive or less desirable. You might decide that you you know, we're not gonna have any more sex that evening, or obviously no more butt stuff, and take a shower and maybe we'll just do hand stuff.
There are countless ways to figure out the aftermath of that, which I often say follow the lead of the the person whose butt is being played with. So you might decide after that, I don't want nothing near me and I just want to go home, and that's fine. You might also decide, okay, I just need to clean up, and then, you know, I want to do hand stuff or we can just like cuddle and that's also fine.
I think I'm answering your question.
But that's how that's how I would operate if I'm if my butt was not the one being played with and my partner had an accent, and I'm going to defer to them what they need and be of the utmost support to them. And if I'm the one who had the accident, uh, you know, I'm going to do my best in that moment to ask for what I need. But the hope is that I've picked a partner who is already compassionate and can you know, step in to support me in that?
Yeah? Does that answer your question? I hope? So thanks Antal, Bestie. What a good question.
So this one says, my mental health is spiraling. How do you make yourself believe you're worthy of love?
I love this question.
It's a common question, and also I would say a difficult question because people always say love yourself, But what is the what are the steps to that? I'm gonna say this right now. Everybody steps or blueprint to that is going to be different. But I will offer you what has worked for me, and my hope is that you know, you'll take what you know what what my mentor yous always say, like, take what's useful, take what
you need to leave the rest. But at the very least, if I give you this little base, it might inspire other things that you can add to your toolbox towards getting there. Because I think loving yourself. You know, it always sounds cheesy and corny when we talk about it, but it is literally the most important part of this existence of yours. It will change your life from being this miserable, burdensome thing to something that feels light and loving.
I'm not saying what will still be hard, and life is hard and hard things happen, but you don't need to add not loving yourself.
To the baggage.
So I think it all starts with knowing that you're lovable. And I say, no, not believing. Believing will come with time and with work. But there is a need or not a need, there's a necessity to know that you're lovable, and I'll talk about ways to do that. But also you can dedicate your life to yourself. You talk to yourself in third person and you commit to it, so you know, I become my advocate. I think about myself as you know, what if I'm my own parent? So
how am I talking to Brandon? Am I critical? Am I judgmental? Am I yelling? Am I rageful?
Am I angry?
Or? Am I gentle? Am I soft? Am I compassionate? Am I curious? How are you talking to yourself? It really does help, you know in the beginning stages, talk to yourself in third person without you go, without arrogance, just like all right, Brandon, I hear you on this, but you're fine, or let me give you some grace, or how are you talking to yourself?
Is important.
Finding your resources for that support of yourself, whether it's a therapist, whether it's podcasts, books. Some books that have really helped me on this journey was Gifts of Imperfection, The Artist Way, Happiness Advantage. I will also offer my book You Got to Be You as a resource. But there are people writing about mental health and building your life and living softer.
What is that book?
Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hearsy, which you know, all about giving yourself permission to rest. A lot of times, as we're hating on ourselves, we also make sure that we're not ever relaxing. We're just working because we're chasing our worth. Our productivity makes us feel like we're worthy of something, and so we we overwork and we overextend our bodies. And so I find that book also incredibly helpful. Find the authors or creators who reflect your identity and
watch them speak about their journey. So you have social media, we have you know, podcasts, books like who are the people that have your similar experience whether it's that they're also black, or they're also queer, or they are you know, also for generation, or they're also you know, from New York or from wherever you're from, like whatever it is, like, find somebody who has similarities to you and listen to
them speak about their journey. I do this thing which I love, which is I call evening with my ancestors and elders, which is essentially I will spend the evening or the afternoon watching YouTube videos of like may Angelo or Nikki Giovanni or James Baldwin or Beyonce or Laura and Hill and just like watch them in interviews or watch their art or in cage with their art, and remind myself that like they've been through shit too, and so they've been through shit and we're able to overcome shit,
and so like, so can I and what can I learn? What nuggets of wisdom can I gain from them? Affirmations rewiring your brain? So you know, it's not about positive talk or toxic positive talk. It is that when I talk about, you know, keeping your brain in a compassionate space to be. So you know, if I'm gonna say, oh, I'm just gonna use this.
My nose is too.
Big, or I hate my nose, my nose is ugly, then I need something to counteract that, which is my nose is beautiful, or my nose is perfect. The way it is, So when those negative thoughts come up, you have you have at your fingertips the affirmation to rewire. Re wiring is it just gonna happen without active engagement. So the negative talk isn't just gonna disappear. You're gonna need to replace it with something else. And so sitting down and like, what are what are the constant things
that you're always telling yourself, those negative bad things? What is the inverse of it? Can you have those at your fingertips? You know I am if you're like, I'm such a failure at this, at this thing, whatever it is you in versus I am always learning and I'm successful.
Even before you are successful, say I am successful, Even before you have the thing that you want, say it, Say the thing that you're becoming, and speak into that because all the time where you spend your energy is what's going to manifest.
So you spend your energy saying that.
You're a failure, that your nose is ugly, that you suck, that you're like, then that will be what but blossoms. But if you can spend your time talking about the things that you're becoming, the spaces that you see yourself and the things that you want for your life, then you just you start to pivot towards that energy. And the last thing I'm going to offer you is, you know an exercise that I think really helps support in
knowing that you're lovable. And it's a visualization exercise that I learned from one of my theater teachers, Peggy Petit, and I've taught it myself and it's actually in my stage show ho Church that I'm doing this fall, and so I'll do it with you now because we're talking about how to love yourself, and this is one of the tools that I use to remember and to know that I'm lovable, and so I will share this with
you right now. You can consider this like a meditation in case you're like theater shit, It's like a visualization meditation, if you will. Also, I am recording this from home, and it is spring, so you may hear some birds chirping in the background. Allow it to kind of build out the ambiance for our meditation.
Yeah, let's go now.
If you are driving, you don't want to pull over for this. If you are on the subway or on the train, you know you don't have to close your eyes. I'm going to offer you to close your eyes, but you know, ideally you can maybe if you need to save this, pause here and save this from when you're by yourself. But girls, sometimes we are never by ourselves. So wherever you are is totally fine. But just don't
be driving. If you are comfortable, close your eyes and only go as deeply into this as feels good to you.
Okay, in hall and exhale, in.
Helle and exhale as you keep breathing.
I want you to think about someone who loves you well, living or past, parent, grandparent, partner, bestie, teacher, coworker, pet truly, no wrong answers, just someone who loves you well. Think about what they look like, what they smell like, what is their voice sound like?
Now? What does their love feel like? Warm?
Safe, honest? How do they show their love? Forehead kisses, tight hugs, words of affirmation, saving you a plate of food? How do they show their love? Can you, in your mind thank them for the way they love you?
Can you, in your mind.
Let them know you love them? And what does that love between the two of you feel like? Hold on to that feeling, hold on to it, dight.
And now.
See yourself. It could be yourself right now, It could be yourself twenty years ago, twenty years from now, see some version of yourself. No wrong answers, and however you want, give yourself some.
Of that love.
Breathe.
We're gonna inhale and on an exhale as genuinely as possible. We're gonna say out loud, I love you ho. Okay, whatever comes up for you is fine. Okay, it could be silly, It could be whatever comes up for you, it is fine.
Are you ready? All right?
Inhale and ex heal, I love you ho again inhale and exhale, I love you Ho.
And one more time, baby in hell.
And exhale, I love you Ho. And whenever you're ready, gently open your eyes and you can say it to yourself again. Let's inhale and exhale, I love you Ho.
Yeah.
So, as you move through your days, as you move through your life, when things get hard and rough and tough, when you find yourself beating yourself up or not being compassionate, where your mind just feels heavy and burdensome, come back to this. Remember the people who love you, remember what their love feels like, and then see yourself and give yourself that love. You can simply go I love you O, or I love you, whatever your name is, I love you, Brandon, I love you.
I love you.
Say that, say that to yourself and it might be hard to believe it again. This is not about believing it. That will take time. But you know that you're lovable. And if you ever need a reminder, hear my voice reminding you you are lovable. I would never lie to you. You are lovable right now as you are. You are loved. You are so so deeply loved. I do not say that with any kind of exaggeration. You are so deeply loved and you have not even met all the people in the world who are gonna love you yet.
Baby.
Yeah, but I want you to love yourself best. So every day get about the business of loving yourself. Every day, take a moment to say to yourself, I love you. How okay if you can look in the mirror, if you need to, you got a mirror, pull up your camera on your phone, look at yourself, look at your beautiful fucking self, and say I love you. Ho.
All right, Well, that is it for ask Messy Mom. Baby. We did it first, asked Messy Mom episode. I hope you enjoyed.
If you have questions, obviously submissions. If you you know, have stories, you can always email me at tell me something Messy at gmail dot com.
It takes me a second.
I know some of these messages I got or a long time ago or a few months ago or whatnot, So it can take me a second, but you know we'll get there.
We get there. Also, don't forget.
You can join me for more mess on my substack Brandon Kagaman dot substack dot com. We were like number eighty five ranked number eighty five in the health and wellness category last week and this week we're number sixty three, So y'all are joining and I'm so excited.
To have you there.
This week we dropped the video from Katia's episode of.
Our pod You know months later, but here we are.
We had a live stream with Vspare from Under the Desk News and one of you asked for a playlist that made you feel soft and love. So there are many,
many messy goodies that I got for you there. Plus when you become a paid subscriber, which is five dollars a month, you get access to monthly essays, our group chat with other hommunity members, and my subsec exclusive pod, Hey Everybody, which drops every Friday where I answer more of your questions, give you updates on my life, personal and professional and other messy things.
Let's take a listen to.
A clip from last week's Hey Everybody. Most he came before was five times not with me, so we set a new record. He usually fucks my throat when he comes, so hard to know the amount. He's back in the morning. He does this in my bed while he's at work quote unquote watches straight porn with headphones, but he gives me verbal directions sometimes and uses hands on the back
of my head. Also calls me fag sometimes because I've asked him to controversial I know, thinking of asking him to say good boy after each time I swallow.
Well, hello, patron.
Uh wow, dope, get it. What will I address here, which is to say, multi orgasmic is great? I actually think a lot of dudes can have Well, I guess you're considering multi orgasms the amount of times he comes, because I can probably only come once or twice depending.
I ain't come a five times. I don't know about that. Have I ever come five times? I mean, we'd take me a minute, but I have.
I do have body orgasms, and I do think that a lot of guys and male bodied folks can have multiple orgasms if you're including body orgasms, if they okay, Juicy questions deserve juicy answers.
So yeah, sometimes I'll answer you a lot of times.
I'll answer one of your questions over there, I'll give you some bts about what's happening, and I'll tell you some messy things and also just give you some more insight on what we've discussed on this podcast. Tell me something messy over there on the Hey Everybody Substack podcast, so I.
Hope you'll join me.
Also on Monday night, we do these substack live, so I stream live at nine pm Eastern six pm Pacific. It's called Messy Mondays at Night. And this coming Monday, the what's the date for the next Monday. It is the twenty eighth. Consciously will be my guest, and I love him so much. He is so smart and brilliant and so wise. And we're gonna be talking about mental health and allyship and advocacy and all those wonderful things that we get into here on the pod. I love
you so much. I love you so much. Again again again I say I love you so fucking much. Okay whah. You can find me on Instagram as well at Brandon Kyle Goodman. You can find our podcast at tell Me Something Messy, and you can join our community on the Messy Monday's substack. When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts, recommendations on sex and self and so much more. Also, I want to hear from you, so send your topic ideas, your messy stories, your submissions, your game ideas to tell
Me Something Messy at gmail dot com. You can also call us at six six nine sixty nine Messy. That is six six nine six ninety six three seven seven nine, rate review, and share this podcast with all your hoe and aspiring hoe friends.
Really really helps the show out.
All right. Until next time, ask about the politics of that dick before you make it spit, make sure they eat the kitty before they beat the kitty, before fuckation or succation communication. And in case you haven't heard it yet, today you are so deeply loved. Hi, thank you so much for listening to tell Me Something Messy. If you all enjoyed the show, send the episode to someone else
who might like it. Tell Me Something Messy was executive produced by Ali Pair Sorry, Gabrielle Collins, and yours truly. Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio and The Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app or anywhere you subscribe to your favorite shows.